Twenty plus years ago I had a very close friend I’ll call Susan. Shortly after we met she invited me to lunch and I came right out and told her that while I knew a lot of people and had quite a few friends, I was really looking for a very close friend. Was she? In agreement, we then spent over five years talking, laughing, and sharing our lives. I felt closer to her than my own sisters. Then? She ghosted me. Of course, it wasn’t an immediate thing. I knew our circumstances had changes—that we had changed. The phone calls got shorter and fewer, and the times together dwindled. Sadly, it ended a slow death, and I never knew exactly why. I mourned that relationship for many years.
This last week I came across an author who has written a book called How To Break Up With Friends and something about the title sparked my curiosity. I barely finished the podcast interview before my mind returned to Susan. At the same time, I wondered if I had done the same to other friends (yeah, probably!) without being aware of how it might have hurt them. The idea of how and why friendships break up seems important. And because I’m currently trying to write about things that not only spark my interest—when a topic makes me a bit squirmy, there is likely something juicy to explore.
The author of the book, Erin Falconer comes right out and admits that women’s friendships are complicated. I agree. After all, most of us have heard how important they are. Dozens of books and articles tell us that in order to live a long and healthy life we really need them. But what about when they go south? Or what about when they aren’t that great? Still, none of us wants to be thought of unkind or heaven forbid, “unfriendly!” So, is it any wonder that many of us get into and stay in relationships that don’t really serve us in our day-to day-lives? And what about when the other person doesn’t seem that interested in us? That had me asking myself, “Is it ever SMART to break up with friends as we age?”
I’ll confess that I really like the idea of having lots of friends. I know that Thom is both my best friend and my soul partner, but I also appreciate and enjoy the company of women. As close as Thom and I are, there are some things he simply can’t (and probably doesn’t want to) relate to in my life. But when I think about it, and it is something that Falconer recommends, a large majority of my friends are casual. In fact, I could probably put them into categories of 1) friends that have your back no matter what; 2) fun friends; 3) deep conversation friends, 4) now and then friends; and 5) just above acquaintances.
What’s the difference? It doesn’t really matter how I describe the friends on my list, what Falconer recommends is that we all do an inventory and categorize our friends. She calls it a friend audit. Who exactly do you call friend and what is the quality of those friendships? She also makes the distinction between those that “give you energy” when you are together as opposed to those who “suck the energy out of you” every time you see them. She describes those energy-sucking-acquaintances as toxic friends. Falconer believes that knowing the difference is the first step toward cultivating intentional friendships.
Last week Thom and I happened to be talking with a single friend we both know. During the conversation our friend mentioned our relationship and wondered if we had any advice. We both agreed that, “In our opinion it is better to be single than to be in the wrong relationship.” But when considering it in terms of friendship—I haven’t always followed that advice. Some of my “friends,” even though they might be wonderful people—just aren’t my kind of people (if you know what I mean.) And no matter how much I might like them—not everyone sees me as a match. So why on earth would I be inclined to work to keep a lot of friends through the years even when the time for us has clearly passed? Or why would I strive to be friends with people who aren’t really into me? After all, who needs toxic friends in our lives?
From what I can tell Erin Falconer’s book spends a lot more time asking questions like that rather than offering advice about how to actually break up with friends. What she does recommend repeatedly is being very honest with ourselves about who we are and what really matters to us. She then encourages women to spend the time thinking about who their real friends are and what they want from friendship. As a mom and young professional, Falconer is adamant that there are only so many hours in the day and it’s best to learn to be discerning about your friendships and what you and they expect in return. For example: ever gone to a multilevel marketing presentation just because a friend asked you to? Surely our time is more precious than that?
What it comes down to is that so many of us have a hard time being completely honest with each other or saying “no” to anyone we think of as a friend. We often overlook situations and behaviors because we don’t want to “hurt their feelings.” Or we have fears they will judge us harshly or, heaven forbid, stop being our friend. And then there is our fear of confrontation. Instead of recognizing that some friendships have grown toxic or that every friendship runs a course that might eventually end, we hang on to people we have known from our past rather than admit they are past their prime. Or we are so worried we’ll end up with no friends that we put up with much more than is healthy.
Another interesting point Falconer makes is the awareness that friendships take work. Yeah, I know for those of us not working any more that idea of “work” and friendship doesn’t seem to mix. We assume that the best friendships should just be flowing and easy—but most of us acknowledge that the best marriages take ongoing effort, intention, and communication. Why aren’t we willing to admit that if we want good and healthy friendships, they take work too? And while many go to marriage counseling—how many of us have ever considered friendship counseling? When it comes down to it, a mediocre friendship is no more desirable to me than a mediocre marriage.
I still miss Susan in some ways—or at least the ways I thought we were friends. I wish I could have been upfront with her enough to ask her straight out why she started avoiding me. And then had the graciousness to accept the honesty of her response. Just because we want to be friends with others that doesn’t make them obligated to be our friend. And yes, being honest with ourselves and them about our needs and expectations is equally critical. Falconer insists that if we can face our fears and be honest, then our friendships will do one of two things. They will either become deeper, stronger, and more intimate. Or they will help us realize it is time to part ways.
As an extrovert I still like the idea of having lots of friends, but I want to remember it’s the right kind of friends that matter most. The best kind of friends take time and effort if we want to stay close. And every relationship runs into conflicts now and then, so we can’t avoid those without paying the price such avoidance creates. I also want to remember that all friendships ebb and flow. And like so many things I’ve learned along the way, it’s the quality of our friendships, not the quantity.
I’m still thinking about this idea of friendships and how and where they fit into my life. With time feeling so much more precious these days, I want to acknowledge it is SMART to work to create the kind of friendships I crave. And to be the kind of friend that my friends want and need as well.
How did I miss this last year? It’s worth reposting for those of us who might have been overwhelmed with emails at the time. I have to pace myself and that applies to emails and friends. I found my friends are all so different it keeps life interesting. As long as my energy is up I have time to spend with friends. Some friends I only see once a year but it’s still a meaningful get together because we get each other. The people who have changed over time still have value in a friendship just not in the same dimensions or frequency. I ghosted someone though and I feel I could have managed that better so guidance on this topic is helpful so I don’t do it again.
Hi Ann! Glad you found it. You’re right. I should repost some of my older posts. Not only do they sometimes get missed when people are busy, I have posts from years ago that are still good! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy. I’ve taken a several month break from the blogging world, and coming back I see you’ve written on a number of really interesting topics. I am very fortunate to have a number of close friends and I value those friendships deeply. Some of those friendships have spanned decades, distance, and multiple changes in circumstances, such as changing workplaces, having children or not, retirement or not, and marriage breakdowns or deaths. A fundamental factor, for me, in whether a friendship deepens is if you can trust the person with your unvarnished self. Can you share your troubles with them and they with you, even if you’re the “bay guy”in the scenario? If they drop in unannounced and catch you in your PJs with a less than pristine house, are you thrilled to see them or worried about how messy the house is? If you have a difference of opinion on some key issue, can you talk it out or not? I agree with you that friendships really thrive when you make the opportunity to spend time doing things together, but often a good friendship can persist despite geographical distance if you regularly phone or write.
Jude
Hi Jude! Welcome back! As you can see I’ve just sort of “slowed down” my blogging rather than taking a break. But I’ll be heading off for the summer and not sure what that might bring. But the joy of writing (and blogging) the way we do is that we can create when called to do it right? I really appreciate the experience.
But with that said what you said about friendship is so important, it’s about the trust. When we truly trust a friend we can be ourselves and they appreciate us for that. As long as that trust remains we can all weather the ups and downs that come along. So yes, of course they can exist despite differences in location. But the value and again, the trust involved, usually determines if they are a long friendship or have run its course. And that is different for each of us. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. ~Kathy
I am widowed 8 years now and have moved. While I was married (30 years), my husband was my best friend for the most part. I have three really good friends that I see all the time, that are also widowed and one divorced. It means so much to me now. But we are all on the same page politically and our more secular views on religion. I’m too old now (75) to try to accommodate far different life views than mine. Other minor things, of course, can be different, but I feel the best and most content with friends of like minds and values. Just the way it is for me.
Hi Mary. You have faced a challenge that many of us face as we grow older–losing a best friend. I’m so glad to hear that you’ve found new really good friends. And while I agree that it is wonderful to discover people who share our values and beliefs, I also think that it is still wise to be open to all different kinds of people. Of course that doesn’t mean those “different” friends will be besties or someone you want to live with!!! But I keep reading how important it is to keep meeting new people as we age. Because as you sadly discovered, there are no guarantees that those we are close to will be there forever. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experience. ~Kathy
You start to notice who your friends are based on how they deal in times of stress and COVID has been a very interesting testing ground for a lot of people. Essentially, knowing who’s gonna be there for you will allow *you* to be there for you. Personally, my closest relationships have been the sole thing keeping me going this year.
This is a great topic, Kathy. I’d hate to see long term friendships go, but staying in touch is a two-way road. The good thing about my friends in Belgium and me is that we pretty much don’t email each other until I return to Belgium for a visit. At that point, they all want to see me, spoil me, and catch up and it is as if I never left. I like these kinds of friendships – people are there when you’d like them too, but there’s no need to write emails once a week or month. 🙂
On the other hand, there are a bunch of people who I stay in touch with via email. These are the people that I might never meet again, because they are all nomads or travelers. But we have a lot of common and enjoy staying in touch. So, different friendships…
Of course, things would be different for us if we’d live somewhere in one place. There’s less “coming and going” of friends and acquaintances and I’d have different good friends for different occasions as well.
I agree that if a friendship is draining, we should let go.
Hi Liesbet! Good for you for having found a way to make your friendships work for you. I do think it is much more challenging with a nomadic lifestyle. And while I don’t think “I” have one (especially compared to you and Mark) I have had friends say they never know where I am because I’m always on the go. I’m not sure if she meant that as a good thing or not!!! But it does make me aware that we all need to be aware of what we need and want from our friends and also whether we are able to be what they need and want if we hope to be close. As you said your friends back in Belgium know that about you and don’t expect otherwise.
I also think the need and perhaps the quality of our friendships change as we age. Again, here’s hoping we all find what we need. Thanks as always for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
This is a fantastic post and subject! Friendship is a very intriguing topic indeed. I’m introverted by nature and have never had a lot of friends. Growing up was not easy and it taught me to rely on my instincts and me knowing what’s right for me. If a person wasn’t right for my energy or space, I tried my best to avoid them. On the other hand, I did have a few friends that ranged from acquaintances to fun friends. None that I would consider close or deep friendships. Then that changed. One that started as a fun friendship ended up turning into a life long one.
My friendship style is very open. I don’t need to hear from someone or be with them all the time. I know that when we do get together/talk, it’ll be like old times and we never missed a beat. This suits me and my friends as well. Some I have had to let fade away because, like you said, they just weren’t serving either of our purposes. Our styles were just too different and it became apparent. Also, when talking about “work friends”, they’re just acquaintances. I found after I retired, the contact stopped almost immediately. Sad but that’s life I guess. I did enjoy their company however that common bond was no longer there.
Like Thom, I like meeting people however I, too, am also fine with my own company or Shannon’s. We have a blast on our travels and meet so many interesting people. Then we get home and it’s a total shift back to normal life.
I really enjoyed your article. And all the comments were so insightful and I gleaned tidbits of information from all of them. I especially liked Debbie H’s comment about blogging/online friendships are like the pen pals of old. Great analogy and so true! Thanks, Kathy, for broaching this topic in such an open and interesting way.
Hi Debbie! I just about missed your comment with two Debbies in a row. And you are also making me REALLY wish I had done a “poll” with this post so I could track how many of my readers (or at least those that comment) are introverts vs extroverts. From the comments it seems like most are introverts. Of course that might mean that introverts are more likely to leave a comment???? Hmmmm…there’s probably a blog post in there somewhere.
And isn’t it good to have a sense about your friendship style? I’ve really spent a lot of time thinking about this subject and find it is helpful to just “know.” I’m sure it will help with future friends and I’m hoping everyone who reads it feels the same. Thank you for sharing your impression. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, I enjoyed your post and the comments have all been fabulous. I don’t have much to add that hasn’t already been said but I do want to acknowledge the ‘new’ online/blogging type of friendship, which I liken to pen-pals of previous years. It’s not just about meeting the person face to face physically but a meeting of the minds through posts like yours, comments and connections. I think I have a wide circle of friends and consider myself an extrovert and often wonder why and how we actually make friends. I went through a stage of trying not to get too attached to teachers who came to town as I knew they would invariably leave in a few years time and I’d have to start all over again with new people once they moved on, but many of he friendships survived despite the distance between us. It can be hard work though keeping a friendship going!
Hi Debbie. You bring up a good point with online relationships. While I’ve grown to really value the women I’ve met through blogging, I still sense a need to visit in person that isn’t easily replaced by writing and/or zooming! I suppose that’s why I’ve made an effort to meet in person many of the woman I’ve grown closest to online–and that makes a big difference. But when I heard something Falconer said about identifying some of my primary needs with having friends and realized how much I enjoy and appreciate “doing things with” my friends, I realized that’s why real life friends are so important to me. And I also realized why I’ve burnt out on zooming…even with people I really like. Although being around groups can be somewhat fun, I mostly enjoy being with just one or two others at a time when it comes to conversation. I don’t have to talk for hours but I do like the conversation to be stimulating, engaging and personal–and that is harder with more than a couple at a time. In the end, I don’t think any of our approaches to friendship are better or worse than others. What’s important is know what works best for us. After 66 years it’s about time I learned that huh? Thanks for your ideas about this topic! ~Kathy
I have a friend with whom I discuss this topic from time to time. Over the years, we have both been the ones to keep up with a number of friends for reasons we can’t really articulate. Just because! We don’t like to lose friendships, but do these friendships really add some soul value to our lives? Are they really even friendships? (I loved your categories.) In recent years, I seem much more willing to let them go. I don’t want to be the one to have to carry the friendship by being the one who gets in touch, or initiates communication or visits. So now I am content with fewer friends, those with whom I feel a deep connection and a mutual affection.
Hi Galen. I’m guessing that many of us haven’t always spent time wondering why we are friends with certain people. I love your question about doe they really add soul value? And as you say, it does seem to get a bit easier to let them go. And I COMPLETELY agree that in many cases if I’m always the one initiating the connection then that tells me something about the relationship doesn’t it? Finding contentment with the friends we feel best about and with is surely a good place to be in. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, as an ambivert, I like being with people but I am not likely to devote time cultivating deep relationships, especially at this stage of life. Malcolm is my best friend, and I have a couple of long-time girlfriends of the ‘pick up where we left off variety.’ I sort my everyday friends into activity-related categories and enjoy them very much. They are a source of energy and entertainment, but It is rare that one will reach the level of a close friend. I have had friends that were in my life for a time and then faded away and I have had a few ugly breakups. Of course, I always try to learn from each experience and avoid traveling down the same path. Usually, it traces back to fundamental differences that I chose to overlook at the beginning of the relationship. Those initial evaluations have gotten much better with age, acceptance of what I bring or leave out of a relationship, and my expectations of others. Thank you for another thoughtful and very well written post to ponder.
Hi Suzanne. I saw in one of your recent blog posts the definition of ambivert. But I’m thinking it is a bit too vague for me. Sort of like a horoscope that could likely be any of us. I’m an introverted extrovert that loves being around people until I don’t :-). Some people give me energy and other people seem to draw it out. I need quiet to think and write but love to get out and do things with people. Of course I am a “Gemini” so is it any wonder I tend to be a bit of everything?
I also think that like you and Malcom, we are very fortunate to live with our best friend. And Thom (as an introvert) is perfectly happy with it that way. But like I said in the post, I seem to have more of a need to get together with women every now and then that feeds a part of me that he isn’t able to fill. It takes intention and effort for sure but I find it very rewarding. And although I value my online friends, it doesn’t replace my need to meet IRL with friends. Of course in the long run as long as we learn great awareness of ourselves and our place in the world it is a benefit don’t you think? Thanks for your great thoughts about this idea. ~Kathy
Great – and timely – post, Kathy. I recently “broke up” with a long time friend. We met in grade school and, although not always super close throughout the years, we were close enough when I got married that she was my maid of honor. She recently moved to another state and I have chosen not to continue our relationship. I was seeing a disconnect in our world views for a long time but thought our friendship could overcome them. For several months before she moved, I began to realize that our value differences were too much to ignore. No arguments, no drama, just a slow death of a friendship. It happens.
I found the idea of a “friend audit” intriguing. As an introvert (mostly), I don’t have tons of close friends – although lots of “now-and-thens” and “just aboves.” Wouldn’t it be great to have a dating-type ap for making friends?
Hi Janis! I’m guessing the last few years have resulted in more than one breakup like you describe based upon values. While I would like to think I can overlook it when a friends beliefs are different than mine, when they get very vocal or their actions highlight how different we are, I find that very difficult to ignore. To me, too much compromise results in mediocrity–and that is something I really want to avoid. And again, I do think that personality differences determine what we want/need in a friend in the first place, don’t you?
And apparently Falconer says that there are a number of friendship apps out there already. Who knew? There is a very popular one for new moms and others that just focus on making friends. But when I looked through them they seemed fairly superficial. It would be great if they made one for Boomer women though wouldn’t it? Hey, there is a business idea! ~Kathy
Kathy – You’ve published another thought-provoking article on a topic that we often don’t talk about with our friends! Of course, when friendships are doing well, it’s easy to talk about how much you like each other as friends. But when things go south, we often don’t say enough and don’t do the extra work it takes to fix something, if the friendship is worth fixing. It’s a good idea to spend some time thinking about why you are friends with various people, even before you break up. Then, when something happens, you are not so shocked about why.
I once had a friend who I adored and spent a lot of time with. I remember her asking me “why we were friends” a few times later in the relationship but we never landed on the true answer, in our conversation. We had a lot of fun times together. But I realized one day that I was more useful to her than anything else, and that’s why she liked having me around. I had taught her how to use a computer because she was technologically challenged. I also helped her with her business, guiding women on hiking trips. I took care of her publicity, helped her with the office work, and worked as an assistant guide on several trips, for free. Well, working as an assistant was a trade for the trip. But the relationship fell apart because we were not a great “friend match.” She needed my help while I gladly provided it, as a friend, I thought. I finally realized that we were not true friends when she helped me move but didn’t have time to step inside my new place to see what it looked like and said she might come visit me sometime when she was visiting her sister nearby. Not because she would come to see me. That was an ah-ha moment. The friendship quickly dwindled to nothing at that point.
But sometimes the dividing line between an active friendship and one that has run its course is not so clear. It might seem like you are sharing a lot of intimacy in conversation, doing fun things together, checking in with each other, and then something suddenly blows up. The visits and the phone calls disappear into nothingness, without any conversation or acknowledgement about what happened. At that point, the only option is to assess the friendship to see if you missed any red flags. Maybe the friend who was upset was not really digging the friendship and was already on edge about spending time with you. Letting someone know that you’d like to fix things is appropriate, but if that falls on deaf ears, you have your answer. It’s time to let that friendship run its course.
I’m the type of person who likes to think that friendship will last forever. But it’s so much more complex than that, as you mentioned in your article, Kathy! One thing that I believe is important is to keep an open mind about friendships that have seemingly ended. If you’ve been close once, it’s possible to reconnect, even if it’s in another “friend category.” One of my closest friends is someone I didn’t speak with for 20 years. She had ended it, and fortunately, she also reached out and reconnected. It took a long time but I’m glad she did.
Hey Donna! Thanks for sharing so many of your thoughts on this idea. When I first heard the podcast about friendship it made me realize that like you said, many of us don’t spend much time thinking about our friendships–the hows and whys of them–until something goes wrong. And as Falconer says, if we value our friendships then it would be good to really take the time to be honest with ourselves about what our needs and expectations are in the first place.
Your first example made it pretty clear that you were the giver and the other person was the taker. But like with most things, even though you were doing, doing, doing you must have felt you were getting something or you wouldn’t have done. Asking why we do what we do is pretty important. After a time you get a lot more clear that it wasn’t serving you and you broke it off. I’m not saying I’ve done much better in my life but I sure hope in the future I’ll be able to spot where I’m compromising myself in exchange for ???? And then stop it!
Of course I get a big problem is that in order to really get clear with friends we have to be honest. And if you’re anything like me, I would prefer to avoid something that could be a conflict. But if I don’t speak up, then nothing changes. Unfortunately, that is not a good recipe for a close friendship. If we can just learn to be more honest with each other, it has to be a benefit to the friendship in the long run. Yes it’s nice to think the best ones will last forever but as long as we are true to ourselves we will be able to survive the outcome! ~Kathy
Kathy I have been pondering your last great post. Deeply thinking about connections I regret not maintaining. This weeks article has me taking a look at my various friendships. Last summer I came across the phone number of a sweet friend I had meant to keep in touch with but didn’t. More than 20 years since we last spoke I called her number. Her husband answered and seemed very startled by my call. He told me that she had died some years ago and he had kept her phone. He was doing well and had remarried. He and I talked about ‘our’ Tammy. He revealed his deep love for her and the hole she left in his heart even to this day. He talked about her to me in ways I know he was not able to express to anyone else. After our call I felt that by finally calling her number and talking to her husband I had taken care of something important for my dear friend.
That happened to me also. I lost touch with a friend from second grade and she searched for me. She found me through my children’s social media. She told me she wasn’t giving up until she found me. Linda and I are friends for life. We talk frequently and get together at least a couple times a month. I treasure our friendship. Life does get in the way and our connections to friends changes over time. True friends remain in our hearts and memories no matter what. It is never too late to reach out and let someone know we valued their friendship. Even if they were only there for a season.
Hi Amanda….awwwww… I love your stories. Thank you. The first one about Tammy is such a great reminder of that saying, “Friends for a season, friends for a reason…” I don’t think we can always know how we touch each other, even if it is to say goodbye. And then your story of Linda and how you’ve reconnected is also powerful. When we connect with the right person the time and distance tend to slip away. As you say, “True friends remain in our hearts and memories no matter what.” And yes, reaching out to an old friend is sometimes the perfect thing to do. ~Kathy
Kathy – another wonderful post. I’ve honestly had so many friendships end in my life that I can’t really grasp this idea of having “girl friends” or a best friend. I have one or two women I would rank as 5) just above acquaintances but no one in categories 1-4. Just the nature of my life. I am open to that changing some day but I only feel it as a loss when I read posts and articles about the importance of female friendships. If they are needed for a long and healthy life, I think I’m screwed. I don’t share this lightly – nor am I looking for pity. Just wanted to share my thoughts triggered by your post. Thanks for the food for thought.
Hi Janet. Thank you for honestly sharing your thoughts on this. I’m wondering if you are, personality wise, an introvert with a few other characteristics like Thom. Although he can be very social, he is VERY happy just by himself (or with me) and really doesn’t need many people. Again he likes them, but he also very much likes his own company. I’d say as long as you are fully aware of yourself and your needs, and in that just don’t need that “connection” with other women, then who is to say that isn’t right for you??? One of the most important things I got from listening to Falconer was how important “knowing ourselves” and our own needs is the most important thing of all. ~Kathy
Kathy, Your reminisces on Susan reminded me of a friendship that fell apart for me, many years ago. Someone who i would have said at the time was my best friend and to this day I don’t know really what happened. And you make me wonder, do I even want to know?
I agree with you that friendships change. I love the phrase “friends for a reason, friends for a season, friends for life”. Upon retirement, I learned many friends were friends for a reason – we worked together. And when the work went away, so did the friendship, very quickly. I realized that women still working do not understand that. I was talking to someone where I used to work (they actually needed to understand some work I did 12 years ago and connected with me to see if I was willing to chat about it – I was) and mentioned coming back into town for a wedding. She immediately assumed I would be seeing “all my old friends still working at the company”. I connect with only 3 women still – those friendships morphed from “for a reason” into “friends for life” with intentional desire on both sides.
I’m going to think on your 5 categories as I think mine might be similar. I’m learning to appreciate my “fun friends”, trying to build up my deep conversation friends (would love 1-2 that are IRL), and really trying to stay connected to my no-matter-what friends who are now all not near-by. Yes, friendship takes work. Intentional Connections remains a key element of my life plan.
thanks for sharing your thoughts on this book.
Hi Pat! You bring up a very important phrase–intentional connections. Falconer is a big proponent of creating intentional relationships as well. She reminds us that the most important relationship should be with ourselves. And from there, once we are open to knowing and accepting ourselves we can then go out and intentionally create the very best kind of friendships. Again, she really stresses the idea that we take the time to find out what matters to us in life and friendship and then create relationships. Not just grab (or keep) any out there to keep us from knowing ourselves or what matters to us. I thought you asked a GREAT question when you said, “Do I really want to know why my friendship fell apart. That is a very brave questions and regardless of the answer, just asking it is full of promise. Thanks for all your thoughts. ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – Thank you for another very well-written and thought-provoking post. In regards to friendship, I tend to be on the same page as Bethany. I accept that many friends will ebb and flow through my life. Regardless of the depth and length of the friendship, I have learned something (often many things) from each and every one of them. Also, like Bethany, I’ve had friends with whom I lost touch with for quite some time and then another connection is made and that friendship is instantly rekindled. For that reason, I try mot to give up on friendships but just accept them as they are.
Hi Donna. Good for you for finding the right balance in your friendships. I’m not sure what you’d call it but having that perspective works for you and your “friendship expectation.” Like I mentioned in earlier replies, I’ve discovered I have a preference for friends I “do things with.” And even though it doesn’t have to be on a regular basis (a long time can go by) when we do get together it is as though no time goes by. Of course I am finding as time goes by that I am more discerning about who I spend time with rather than just grab at any “event” with people I know. Accepting friends as they are is a great practice as long as it is true to your nature. Thanks for your perspective on this! ~Kathy
I love this, Kathy! I have found that a lot of my friendships ebb and flow, and I try not to overthink it too much. I’ll be out of touch with a friend for years, then we will suddenly cross paths again and become close.
I did consciously “pare down” some of my friendships when I left my previous job and went through some personal changes. I noticed that these friends (who happened to be my closest girl friends at the time) were not helping me to move forward. Lots of negativity, and I realized none of us were growing from our interactions.
That being said, I am careful about calling people “toxic.” Sometimes, people are just in a season of life where they don’t have much to give, but need support. My yoga teacher was a mentor to me during such a season, and I grew because of it. If someone is being helped by our interactions, I set boundaries but definitely stay in touch. Maybe I don’t answer texts after 10:00. Maybe I answer texts once a week. But if they are hurting but being helped by me, I will be there in the capacity that I am able. If neither of us are growing, it’s a different story.
Hi Bethany! You’re right. We should avoid calling anyone else toxic. But I didn’t get the impression that Falconer ever thought that former friends were toxic, but she wasn’t afraid to call the relationship toxic when it didn’t have value. And good for you for finding a nice ebb and flow with relationships. It’s true that some can be really close for a while, cool off some, and then come right back to where they were. I think it is being okay with the natural flow of relationships without force is important. And then that honesty thing with ourselves is really important. What are our needs? Are they being met? Are we as good a friend as we ask them to be? If not, why not? The list goes on and on. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this! ~Kathy
I had a similar experience with one of my best friends in college. We did everything together. After graduation, we visited each other and kept in touch for about a year as we lived in separate states. In that time, we both met our fiancees. I invited her to our wedding, then she scheduled her wedding the day after ours, which was kind of fun but made it impossible to attend each other’s celebrations. I didn’t think anything of it until I didn’t really hear from her as time went on.
It’s not a total “ghosting” situation, it’s more like she suddenly moved to the “Facebook acquaintance” category instead of friendship. I think part of it is that our relationship relied heavily on being together, and now we have very different lives in separate places. I suspect there may have been another reason behind the withdrawal on her part – and similar to you, I sometimes wonder if I should just be up front and ask about it. But I have come to accept that though it was a great friendship during the season of college, it’s not going to endure.
Hi Michelle. Thank you for sharing your unique experience with friendship with all of us. It’s hard to say and really tempting to try to guess the “why” of it and without really talking with her (and her being willing to be honest) it is all just a story, right? But I do tend to imagine that it might be as you say, once you were separated, the glue that held you together didn’t mean as much to her as it did to you. Just me knowing that I like friends “to do things with” does color how I view any particular friendship so it might have been the same with your friend. The challenge is for all of us to learn to let go of what is clearly over but to never lose hope that we will find more just around the corner. Thanks again for your thoughts. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
Interesting article about friendships, thank you for writing about that. I tend to think that our expectations play a large part in friendships. For example to expect one person to meet all of our needs is asking a lot! So as you mention you have your different categories of friends and I think that is helpful as it keeps our friendships in perspective and we are not asking more of a person than they are able to give us. And when we view them through that lens it may help save hurt feelings as it isn’t really about us, it’s more about realistic expectations for that particular friendship.
With that being said if you are fortunate to have a friend that you know always has your back no matter what – you can’t ask for more than that!
Hi Marnie! I so agree that expectations is a BIG part of our satisfaction (or lack thereof) with our friendships. I get myself in trouble any time my expectations get unrealistic and/or when I have a difficult time expressing them with others. And Falconer also makes a point of saying that we can’t rely on any ONE particular person to be everything for us (including and most especially our spouses–although that is also a tricky one for me.) Far better to accept that as multidimensional people we can get our needs and desires met by a variety of people far better than trying to make one person be that. Like you say, that gives us a far more realistic expectation for any one friendship in the long run. Thanks for you thoughts on this! ~Kathy
Thanks for this post Kathy. Coincidentally, this morning I woke having had a dream about my former best friend. We were very close until circumstances changed: she married, I set up an organisation, she had twins, I moved home. We went from chatting almost every day on the ‘phone, seeing each other at least once a week to longer and longer gaps …
We did talk about it and agreed our friendship was worth working for, but we just didn’t manage it. It was like a lovely plant that we didn’t water so it withered and died – a slow death. For many years I missed her terribly. Occasionally (25 years+ later) I think of her, wonder how she is and what she’s doing and dream of her. I wish we’d ended better.
Hi Mary! Oh that’s tough. It sounds like you both valued your friendship but there just wasn’t enough to keep you going. One other thing I got from hearing the author was that we all have a different “friendship style”. (sort of like how we all have a different “love style.”) When I thought about it what I really value from friends is doing things together. And when I say “doing things together” it can be as simple as getting together for coffee and conversation. I’m guessing that is why certain friends seem closer to me than others. And no doubt we all have different ways of valuing friendships too. Maybe your friendship with your “former friend” came down to different styles? I’m thinking that was something that divided me and my former friend. Lots to think about for sure and thank for sharing your personal example with us. ~Kathy
Very thought-provoking, Kathy. I think our conditioning to be “nice” plays into it in a big way. I was talking about female friendships with my daughter recently, and we remarked on how quickly women are to judge each other and push away, and then how unforgiving they are. Men can get into an argument that might even turn violent, and 30 minutes later, have a beer and a laugh. Whereas women may get into a tiff that is slight, or even imagined, and NEVER forgive each other! She was lamenting about introducing two of her newly-acquainted friends, and after only a few weeks, the two of them got into a senseless argument. Then, they made a game out of a sort of emotional torture of each other. My daughter was dismayed at it, because she had been so excited to finally have a small group of girlfriends. “I should have known it couldn’t last,” she told me.
I feel like my own friendships go through phases – that ebb and flow. The lasting friendships are the ones that understand that ebb and flow, without blame or resentment. For me, the less-than-authentic or more shallow friendships fall away quite naturally. And a very few end with a bang. But, I don’t generally pick needy friends, nor am I dependent on others. The handful of long-term friendships I have are treasures to me, even when I rarely see that person (and her husband, too ?).
I think a person’s approach to relationships in general is reflected in their friendships as well as love relationships. It’s about boundaries for me, and how clear they are. I love clear boundaries, and I love being with people who have them. ??
Hi Jamie. Thank YOU for sharing some personal stuff about friendships. I think we all have a lot to learn from each other. And good for your daughter that she has you to talk about it with. I NEVER had that kind of talk with my mom. Of course you are a pretty wise woman so that makes a difference for sure.
And I’m guessing you are a bit more like Thom when it comes to friendships and don’t have any problem with boundaries. 🙂 While I’m pretty good with boundaries I find it a lot harder to be really honest with friends because I don’t think I have the great “tact” so I’m afraid I’ll say it wrong and never see that person again!!! I do believe I’m getting better though.
Another thing the author mentions is that when we really analyze our expectations we can learn a lot. She said most of us have a reason we want and keep friends and when I thought about it I think I really value “action” in friendship. (I think it is sort of like how we all have a “love style.”) I think my friendship style is activity. I like doing things with friends. It doesn’t have to be physically active (because as you know I love a great conversation) but I do crave being involved and doing things with my friends. Zoom just isn’t cutting it anymore. And just knowing that makes a lot of sense to me.
Anyway, thanks for your thoughts on this and I so agree that you don’t HAVE to see friends all the time to stay close…I think true friends are those you can get together with after days/weeks/months and it seems like it was just yesterday. 🙂 ~Kathy
This is such a timely post, Kathy. Your description of your friendship with Susan sounds so similar to two of my teenage + friendships that petered out. Of course, growing up, marriage, and moving away doesn’t help matters, but with technology, it should be easy to stay connected. My friend from high school was like a sister, and we had little in common but always had fun together. After she remarried in 2000, we lost touch for years, then reconnected again briefly. Sadly, her lack of interest in my life and mine in hers at that point signaled the final end. She was very close to my family and missed all the life events that happened in my life–my marriage to Hans, death of my mom, etc. Like you, left wondering about Susan, I catch myself thinking of Cathy and hope she is OK and satisfied with her life.
When we moved to Washington in December 2020, I left my two best friends in Sacramento. We still connect, neither have social media, but we text a couple of times a month. I think I’ve grieved the physical loss of those relationships but when we chat it’s as no time ever passed. Maintaining connections does take time and energy. I’m thankful we have neighbors within walking distance that I consider friends. Thanks again for spotlighting this issue. I am thankful for my online friendships, and sincerely hope we can meet up again soon, maybe in 2022! Take good care!
Hi Terri! Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience with friendship. I think your example also points out why so many are nervous about moving when they get older because they know it will alter their friendships. That’s not always bad but it can make it more challenging as you point out. And yes, when a relationship ends that we weren’t ready to let go of it hurts. I hope that if that happens in the future I will be better prepared now that I’ve actually given it some thought. Just like with all relationships, our friendships, at least MY friendships, deserve more thought and responsibility. Thanks again for your thoughts. ~Kathy
Great, Kathy! Deaths and life threatening illness can spotlight the depths of friendship. Who you can count on.
Hi Haralee! So very true. And obviously this woman’s work got me thinking about friendship in newer ways. Not only is she a big advocate to friendship she also helped to remind me that as in all relationships, it’s the right ones that matter. And yes, did you notice I avoiding throwing in the “rightsizing” word even though it definitely fits! ~Kathy