Thom and I are renting a cottage at the beach until the end of September. Sounds wonderful, right? But I’m torn. Yes, it’s still sizzling hot back home in our desert community, but once September hits things start to kick off. Although not officially the beginning of the “desert season,” once school starts more and more activities pop up on the calendar. Traffic picks up, meetups get scheduled, and friends start calling with plans. So even while I’m loving the cooler weather at the beach, part of me is anticipating seeing those friends and getting involved in social and volunteer events back home.
When I think about it, that tension between what I have and what I’m possibly missing is something that happens to me/us all the time in one form or another. It’s similar to the oxymoron of celebrating life in one moment and yet feeling pain or sadness at the same moment. Or how about feeling optimistically excited, and yet somewhat anxious about what’s ahead? And probably the biggest one, feeling grateful and happy while recognizing deep in our heart that there are huge challenges going on all around us. How do we handle those paradoxes, and where do we go from there?
This has been on my mind for the last couple of weeks mainly because one of us, and I’m not naming any names, has been dealing with a persistent health challenge. Nothing that will take a person down, just a relentless discomfort. Know what I mean? If you do, or at least are willing to admit it, then chances are good that (when it happens to you) you do everything you can to fix it—get rid of it—and have it DONE! But time and again, no matter how much we want to move through or past something annoying or painful, it often has a life of its own. Or as I told another friend this week who sprained her ankle and expected it to heal in a week, “It takes as long as it takes!” No matter how true that is, most of the time we want a “healing!” and we want it NOW.
So what do we do? Do we just pretend that it isn’t happening? Well sometimes that isn’t possible, especially when we are like my friend who is in pain and hobbling around. Besides facing the fact that “It is what it is,” and we can’t change what is happening (or happened), about the only thing we do have 100% control over is how we respond. Ugh! I know, I know. That is really easy to say—but when it’s you and someone tells you that, you sometimes just want to slap them.
The thing is, I think we all know this. If you’ve been reading SMART Living 365 for long, I say this A LOT. That’s mainly because I need to hear it over and over again. I’m reminded that even when things seem really tough—and I’m not denying that sometimes situations are so devastating I can’t even imagine how some people manage—even then, there are examples of those who have remained optimistic, done good work, and kept going. I want to be one of those people.
And let’s face it, no matter what your age right now, as we age we will face other certain challenges that we may not be able to simply fix and move on from. Some of the “gifts” of aging means that we have to turn around and face the fact that our bodies don’t respond quite the same way as when we are young. I’m not talking here about not doing our best to maintain our bodies by exercising, eating well, getting good sleep, staying connected etc.—of course we want to do that. But when uncomfortable or tragic change occurs for one reason or another (accidents, genetics, lifestyle, circumstances) we still have the choice about how we will proceed. We can complain and fight it and make ourselves, and everyone around us, miserable. Or?
It’s the same with world events. I’m not blind, nor in denial that our world is facing enormous challenges on many different fronts. Politics are disastrous, healthcare is a nightmare, civility and civil rights are a war zone, and the climate is in flat-out crisis. And yet? And yet some people still manage do what they can to help change things, AND AT THE SAME TIME live a life of grace, purpose, optimism and generosity. I want to be one of those people.
Sometimes it is really hard. I know without a doubt that I and my family fall in the extremely fortunate side of just about any equation in the world today. Yet sometimes I still want to complain and ask, “why me? Why now?” Plus, I sometimes see and talk to others who in many cases are even better off than I am, but in a far worse state of mind. Their position or circumstances don’t seem to insulate them from being stuck in a state of deep mental, emotional or physical suffering.
Yet at the same time, I see others far WORSE than the rest of us, facing enormous health issues for themselves or loved ones, ruinous financial problems, broken families, tragically heart-breaking situations, or just about one of a hundred challenges—and yet they still somehow manage to see and express the bright side of life and possibility. Even from their tragic place they are able to offer constructive action and hope. They don’t deny the pain—they just don’t let it define them or the world they live in. I want to be one of those people.
This morning I read a great editorial by the author Mary Piper about turning 70. While I’m only 64, I read such optimism in her words about getting older. She said, “By our 70s, we’ve had decades to develop resilience. Many of us have learned that happiness is a skill and a choice. We don’t need to look at our horoscopes to know how our day will go. We know how to create a good day.” So true. What I hear her say is, “We get to make it up!”
Piper continues with, “We may not have control, but we have choices. With intention and focused attention, we can always find a forward path. We discover what we are looking for. If we look for evidence of love in the universe, we will find it. If we seek beauty, it will spill into our lives any moment we wish. If we search for events to appreciate, we discover them to be abundant.”
Is it any wonder that one of my favorite all-time quotes is from F. Scott Fitzgerald who wrote, “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.” I’m not sure about the “intelligence” required, but I know it takes what Mary Piper says, “intention and focused attention.” I strive to do that every day no matter how torn I am by what I am experiencing or seeing in the world around me.
So okay. I think I am, we all are, torn in two or more pieces all the time by opposing forces in either ourselves or the world. It’s the old story of the two wolves. One is good, the other bad. It always boils down to: which are we feeding? Let’s never forget that the SMART choice is to feed the good and to stay aware in every moment that we get to choose which way we want our thoughts and emotions to go. And maybe, just maybe, the world around us will flow that same way. I want to be one of those people. What about you?
I read this blog post with a sense that we are walking the same path. The oxymoron of being happy and sad at the same time seems so real to me. My family, of course, is everything to me. And when we are away from them for six month of the year, I miss them terrible. We come home each spring to them and all that family brings to our lives. Still, when the birds begin to fly south, I can hardly wait to follow them. One day, all of our connections in Arizona will be gone and we will fly back to our real home and our forever family. But until then I miss one when I am with the other.
As for health issues…facing your frailties is I think one of the hardest parts of aging. Take such good care of yourself. Oh, thank you for stopping by Retire In Style Blog. I love hearing from you.
Barbara
Hi Barbara! Yes…I’m guessing a lot of us are walking similar paths these days…and thank you for sharing your own personal paradox with us. I think that helps each of us realize how we have many of the same common issues. And thanks for the health encouragement…who can’t use that occasionally. Oh, and I loved your new blog design. Very nice. ~Kathy
You are one of the most positive people I know, Kathy. And you are thoughtful, considerate, and smart (with lower case letters :-)). But, that often makes life harder, because of certain realizations and the truths that are upon us, as you mention. We need to find a balance between doing whatever we can to improve situations – for ourselves, others, and the world – but not let it take us down.
As much as it drives me crazy, again, I had to toss recyclable paper, plastic, and glass in a garbage can today after carrying it around for three days without finding a recycling bin. Just a small example…
I’m sorry you are experiencing health issues, but I’m glad you know what you want, what makes you happy, and how to reach it. I find that this gives me peace these days as well. Enjoy the rest of your time at the beach. Friends and activities will be there upon your return home!
Hi Liesbet! Thank you. We are both actually doing pretty good today and that’s all that matters right? And yes, I think finding a way to be at peace with some of the choices and actions before us is always a good thing. And I think the more we practice that balance, the better. Thanks for your thoughts on this! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
Boy did this hit home with me! I’m sorry for the health issues that you are dealing with…we are here, too, both of us. But you are correct, some of this we cannot control – we are aging, after all – but we can control our attitude and outlook. I want to be one of those optimistic, gracious people! And, I’m determined to try. Thankfully, our challenges have been manageable so far, but challenges none-the-less. Working through them one day at a time.
And finding peace in this crazy, scary world of ours does require some real focus away from the negativity. Still, if we feel we make a difference in this world, even a small one, it goes better for us as well as those we positively affect.
Thank for for such a lovely, personal, thoughtful post. A highlight for today!
Hi Nancy! Thank you…but sorry to hear you’ve had a few health challenges too! But I’m guessing that nearly all of us have something going on now and then–especially our age and older–but if all you see if FB and other SM it’s easy to imagine everyone else’s life is perfect except for us. While I don’t intend to whine about it, and I don’t read that on your blog at all either, I do think that it is probably good to at least admit it occasionally so that we realize that we can support each other and move on in spite of it. Don’t you think? And I want to believe that nearly EVERYTHING is workable as Mary Piper says as long as we don’t give up or go completely negative. So good luck to you as well and if I forget, please remind me okay? ~Kathy
Although it’s not great to know that you are facing some challenges, I appreciate reading your thoughts about how we can choose to respond. I like to think of myself as an optimist but sometimes I wonder if my inclination to see “the bright side” can blind me to an approaching storm. It’s good to hope the hurricane won’t make a direct hit, but one should also gather some food and other necessities just in case. I also loved that piece by Mary Piper and shared it with several friends. Although none of is yet 70, her words were just as relevant to us 60-somethings. Oh, and you are “one of those people” my friend.
Hi Janis. You are so right that no matter how optimistic we are, we still need to take care and do what we can with what we have. But it is sometimes a “Razor’s Edge” to walk between optimism and despair isn’t it? I’m in the camp that thinks Pollyanna gets a bad rap. From my memory she didn’t deny that some people (or situations were bad) only that she refused to let them determine how she would live. I remember her crying in heartbreak but before long she was back to being her optimistic self. And thank YOU my friend, for believing in my hopes for myself. ~Kathy
Kathy, are you inside my head? In the following paragraph, you voiced exactly what I have been preoccupied with recently: “I’m not blind, nor in denial that our world is facing enormous challenges on many different fronts. Politics are disastrous, healthcare is a nightmare, civility and civil rights are a war zone, and the climate is in flat-out crisis. And yet? And yet some people still manage do what they can to help change things, AND AT THE SAME TIME live a life of grace, purpose, optimism and generosity. I want to be one of those people.”
The more I plunge into educating myself about global warming and the environmental crisis facing humanity, the more despair I feel, and the more pressure I feel to personally do something about it (even knowing that the solution is not in my hands alone). Yet, at the same time, I recognize that I have a beautiful life and am immensely grateful for it. But how can I simultaneously engage in this crisis and also live my life with contentment and joy?
Jude
Hi Jude! hahahaha….I actually think that any of us who are paying any attention at all are in the same boat. But again, developing the capacity to live in both worlds…or as Fitzgerald says, “holding those two opposing ideas” is challenging but possible. I’ve gone up and down on the environmental problem. Twelve years ago Thom and I were almost scaring ourselves to death with the overwhelming prospect of what was happening. Then we got busy and tried ALL SORTS OF THINGS everyone was recommending, and now quite frankly, we do our best but had to let go that we were the ones that were personally responsible for saving the world. There is a Buddha quote I love that says something like, “Work as though everything you do is critical for saving the world…all the time laughing at yourself for thinking you could even make a difference.” I try to stay in that place as much as possible. I’m guessing that’s why the Buddha laughs. And yes, a good sense of humor helps in times like this! May you find some peace in all this. ~Kathy
Ironically, I chose this post to open while sitting beside Richard with the news turned up FULL BLAST. Talk about ‘cognitive dissonance’! I needed to exit the room quickly because I didn’t want to miss any gems (which are numerous in this post).
I especially liked the quote, “Happiness is a skill and a choice”. That simple sentence provides HUGE food for thought.
I’m sorry to hear about the health issue. Sending positive healing vibes your way!
Hi Donna! Thank you! And I completely accept everyone’s positive vibes any time I can get them. And actually, we are both witnessing positive progress–I tend to think that happens when a person sets the right intentions! I just like to remember that no matter how AWESOME everyone else’s life looks like (especially on FB, etc.) it is good to remember we all are facing and hopefully dealing with “stuff” on a regular basis. It’s what we do with it that matters right? Thanks for checking in with me and stay away from that NEWS! I don’t know how Richard does it because he stays pretty positive whenever I’m around him. I’d be a basket case!!!! 🙂 Kathy
Thank you Kathy
Your post eloquently verbalizes what I have been thinking lately. I too want to spend my life seeking a life of grace, purpose, optimism and generosity. I understand that I my thoughts create my feelings and working on changing my thoughts when I go down the rabbit hole. Progress not perfection is my goal.
Jamie
Hi Jamie! Ah…”progress not perfection is my goal.” I love that statement. And if we don’t set our intentions for living a certain kind of life, it isn’t at all guaranteed we will find it. May we both be given that opportunity. Thank you so much for your encouragement. ~Kathy
Kathy, this post is so full of wisdom and encouragement. It resonated with me this week, I have linked it to my Sunday post. I hope you don’t mind.
Hi Suzanne. Thank you. I’m hoping it was as much encouragement to others and it was a reminder to me. If all we see is what we see/read on Social Media it is sometimes easy to think everyone else is living a “perfect” life. Not true. The longer we live the more we have to potentially “deal with.” Let us do our best to live it optimistically, hopefully, and contentedly as possibly. And remember to do the same for everyone else. And yes of course, thank you for the link. ~Kathy
I see people all around me aging with grace and good humour. I strive to be one of those people, especially if I am struck with a chronic, debilitating or life-threatening condition (other than just being alive, which is in itself a life-threatening condition…because none of us are getting out of here alive!!!). But sometimes I wonder if I will be able to pull it off. I haven’t been truly tested, yet.
Deb
Hi Deb! Isn’t it great when we have good role models for being positive no matter what? I think that is critical. If a person doesn’t, I strongly recommend they do…cuz like you said, “none of us are getting out of here alive.” And I think a BIG part of it is having the intention that you will be that way–so you’ve taken the first step nicely. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, You summarized a lot of these feelings when you used the word, paradoxes.
Oh no, on the persistent health challenge. You remind me of the saying, Kathy, that it is easy to be positive when all is going positive. You also remind me of the saying, you give what you need.
I have said this before and I mean it. I really appreciate your candor and genuine sharing even in the midst of adversity.
“A skill and a choice” I LOVE these words.
Your story makes me “…want to be one of those people.”
I am saving this post to reread and reread. Thank you.
Hi Erica! Awwww…thank you so much for the encouragement. I know a post like this is a bit more difficult to “comment” on than some of my others so I appreciate knowing that it was taken as the gift it was. And YES! It is much harder to be positive when everything is going good, huh? But it is also a reminder that most of us are not our “public persona” and that EVERYONE is going through more stuff than we realize. All the more reason to be kind to each other, right? But as I’ve said before, and will again for sure, I feel that part of my particular purpose is to be a “light” to others. And even though I don’t like to dwell on it, and I don’t think most of us do, I think it is far better for me/us to point toward what’s possible than to stay stuck where I am. I’m guessing you are exactly the same that’s why we are friends. ~Kathy
Hi Amin! How are you in your part of the world? I was getting some weird error messages from your email and URL a while back–I hope that’s been worked out? But like you said, those ups and downs happen anyway so it is better to “flow” when we can. I’m happy to hear that you love whatever position you are in. May that continue for us and all of us whenever possible. ~Kathy
Well, I don’t know if it pertains, but I’d been dealing with a knee problem for years. I was supposed to do my physical therapy exercises three times a week … and I tried, I really did try. But really, they got done on average about once a week — because I was too preoccupied, too busy, (too lazy?). Then this past spring my back started causing problems. Real problems. Again to the doctor, to the physical therapist. And again I went home with the admonition to do my exercises — this time, every day. And so now, every morning, no matter what else is happening, no matter what I’m missing, I do those exercises. Otherwise my back would be killing me.So it’s a habit now, like showering or brushing teeth. The day just doesn’t happen without it.
So is there a lesson? I guess it’s that for some things (like my knee) you can just power through and live your life normally. But then something happens. You have to accommodate. Then you have a slightly new life, and you can’t look back.
Hi Tom! Thank you for your personal example of what I’m talking about. Stuff happens all the time but we do have the choice of whether we learn to adjust and go on, or not. And in that “going on” we also have the choice of making the best of it and not letting it define us. There’s the idea of “flow” again. In many ways I think it touches on the idea that so many of us in Western cultures have gotten very used to thinking that life is always supposed to be perfect, easy and comfortable. And even though part of me likes that too, I think the best of us learn that we have to take the ups and downs of life to continue to appreciate (and celebrate) it for as long as we are here. I’m guessing that people in other cultures and countries are somewhat better able to handle the “variety” of life because they haven’t been always raised with such comfort and easy. But maybe not. Then again, it might just be our personalities to either handle it well, or? Good for you for finding a “new normal” that works for you. And yes, it is a slightly new life so what is the point in looking back? ~Kathy
I live in a constant state of cognitive dissonance, so I understand what you’re feeling and thinking. Some days I’m more optimistic than other days, but overall I go with the flow of what’s around me. I admit when something is lousy, but I don’t dwell on it. Fix the problem or get over it. Life is too short to focus on what isn’t.
Hi Ally! Calling it a state of “cognitive dissonance” sounds so much more scientific and comprehensive! I just call it the two-mind syndrome 🙂 But yeah, it is the same. I do consider myself fortunate that I am mostly an optimist so even when things look pretty bleak I can put a positive spin on it. But whichever our preference, I think it is good for us to find our own way of handling it. But I do agree that there is little point in dwelling on the obvious (negativity)… as you say, “Life is too short to focus on what isn’t.” Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy