On a clear day the sun always casts a shadow. In fact, the brighter the light, the more vivid the corresponding silhouette. That is why any complete discussion about positive aging requires the acknowledgment that a dark side exists. And while I am certainly not a professional who understands all the implications, I do think it is important to explore how it may affect us as we age. That’s because no matter how optimistic we remain about aging, none of us knows for sure what our complete future holds. And, like with all shadow work, it’s SMART to accept its existence as well as how it can potentially affect our lives if we want to experience the days to come as an authentic and whole individual.
In case you are someone unfamiliar with the metaphor of the shadow, let me provide a brief definition. The famed psychologist Carl Jung first used the phrase to describe those parts of a person’s personality that were repressed or lying below our normal waking consciousness. In other words, the thoughts, urges, reactions and dreams that we usually don’t even want to admit to ourselves are a “shadow” that we often pretend doesn’t exist. Unfortunately, the more we try to hide or reject those things we suspect lie deep inside us, the more they pop out in destructive or inappropriate ways. Ever feel like you sabotage yourself? Guess what—that is probably your shadow trying to be seen. Have a lot of fears? Yep—those are likely shadows too. Like to judge the actions of others? That’s a classic shadow reaction.
The shadow can be particularly problematic for those of us who like to see the good in everything. They can also be a hindrance for those who like to think of themselves as “good,” or spiritual, or anything that focuses solely on the positive. But the truth is, all of us—yes me and you included—have some very positive qualities and some less than pleasant characteristics. What Jung recommended, and many other psychologists and teachers have gone on to teach, is that we recognize and accept all parts of ourselves if we want to be whole and self-actualized. That doesn’t mean we act out those dark parts of ourselves, or indulge them whenever they pop out. What it means is that we acknowledge that all of us are filled with light and contradiction, and from there, we can consciously choose which part of ourselves we will express at any given moment.
The same holds true for positive aging. I consider myself to be a cheerleader for the positive aspects of getting older. But it would be naïve and perhaps even less helpful to others if I pretended that it is all goodness and light. The truth is that some of us have it much better than we imagined—and others have it pretty tough. That doesn’t mean those of us who have it good ought to be sad, worried or guilty about our experience. But it may be more compassionate to recognize that others see it differently AND that our own experience can change as well. Plus, only when we see all aspects of ourselves and our situation can we make the best choices for ourselves and those we love.
With that in mind, I thought it might be helpful for me to list a few shadows about aging that I recognize inside myself as well as in others I know. They are:
- There will be good days and there will be bad days. Let’s face it, it doesn’t really matter how old you are—some days are a lot better than others. Sometimes we wake up with a pain we didn’t have before or something happens that rocks our world. Fortunately, it seldom lasts forever. If we recognize that not every day is sunshine and light, it very likely will help us move through a rainy day. It’s also good to know that pain is unavoidable but suffering is a choice. (yes, I have a blog post about that!)
- If I just eat right, exercise a lot, and take lots of vitamins I will stay young forever. While you and I might want this to be true, I think it is wise to remember that no matter how healthy we are today, things happen. We have all heard stories of men and women who appeared to do absolutely everything right and were at the peak of physical health and then just keeled over. It happens. That doesn’t mean that we don’t attempt to take care of ourselves, but to pretend that we can fight off all illness or changing capacities for the rest of our lives isn’t realistic.
- I seem to be more forgetful these days—can’t remember many people’s names and sometimes forget where I parked my car—so I will probably get Alzheimer’s like my mom. I admit that I sometimes worry about ending up like my mom—it is a possibility for sure. But I must also remember that all the reading and research I am doing tells me that only a relatively minor percentage of people slide into full dementia at old age in spite of the fear. And sure, I might not remember everything the way I want, but sometimes that is just an indication of an over-busy mind that thinks too much. And let’s face it, worrying about it doesn’t help a bit.
- If we aren’t really careful with our money we will end up broke and destitute. (another variation of this shadow is the idea that Social Security will soon be bankrupted and we will end up destitute.) Like I said earlier, none of us knows for sure what the future will bring. But chances are good that this fear is not one that many of us, especially those of us who have made decent arrangements, will ever have to face. But if we allow this shadow to stay repressed, we will worry and be angry at anything (and anybody) who seems to tell us that it won’t happen. So not only will we pessimistically face the days ahead filled with anxiety, we might often blame others for the problem, and make them miserable too.
- Other people might get old but I am special and I look as young as ever and can physically do everything I could do when I was 25. Every single person I know my age or older has a little of this shadow inside. We want to believe we are somehow special, different, better(?) or unusual enough that the regular statistics about aging won’t apply to us. But again, the reality of that shadow is something we often don’t allow ourselves to just accept and acknowledge. No matter how healthy and happy I am today, tomorrow might be different. There are things we can do (especially mentally) but the only constant is change.
- Because I don’t have children (or a spouse, or good friends, etc.) I will die alone. I’ll admit that one of my biggest concerns is living beyond my husband. We are very interdependent and I know that if I live longer than him it will be extremely difficult to move past. However, I also know that having a spouse, or children or even friends are no guarantee that I won’t die alone. But by the same token, who says? If knowing I want to have people I can count on right up to the time I die, then the time to do what I can to help make that happen is now. Worrying is never the solution. Taking steps, accepting the endless possibilities and then making the best of it is a solution I am choosing in this moment.
- If I just figure out the right formula, I won’t ever grow older and die. The biggest shadow of all is probably the fear of death. As I’ve mentioned before, I prefer to call death a “transition” because I really like to think of it as a movement between this level of existence and another. But the shadow of thinking that we can live forever, or refusing to acknowledge that those we love will eventually pass, is very often denied in our culture. That repression ends up making people spend money trying everything they can do to look, feel and act young. Or acting overly protective to keep loved ones safe. In some ways, I think that it also promotes ageism because it tells others that getting older is scary and holds no advantage—just the ongoing struggle to hold off death. I think the sooner that we can consciously accept that all of us will eventually “transition” to another realm (whatever that realm may be to us) the more whole and healthy our approach will be to the days we do have to live.
Many teachers who specialize in shadow work promote the idea that once we learn to accept those repressed fears and thoughts, we will be more at peace. Plus, instead of using a lot of our conscious energy to hold down those aspects of ourselves, we will free ours to be more creative, open, and yes, even loving, to those around us. Chances are very good, we will also be more understanding and accepting of others when we learn to accept ourselves. After all, how can any of us make true conscious choices, and act in the best interest of ourselves and others, if we aren’t even aware of what we repress out of fear?
While I doubt I touched on all the shadows that exist around aging—positive or otherwise—I think it is critical that we recognize they exist. From there, the SMART perspective reminds us that our own awareness is key to making conscious choices for ourselves and others regardless of what the future holds.
Okay, your turn. Have you heard of “shadow work” before? What do you think of it? And are you in touch with some of your “shadows” regarding aging or any other aspect of your life? Please share in the comments below.
Kathy, I love this article! You take such a balanced perspective – as you said in the comments, both/and rather than either/or. Some of my shadows: fear of dementia (my grandmother had it), fear of dying alone and incapacitated (But both my daughters have told me that there is no way they would let that happen!). When written down, the fears look rather silly. What will happen will happen, and I will deal with it when it occurs. I also laughed at your comment that it is so much easier to see others’ shadows than one’s own. So true.
Jude
Hi Jude! Thank you for pointing out something that I think is really important. Much of the time if we write down (or sometimes even just talk it out with a trusted friend) then our “fears” look much less intimidating. And by the same token, by pretending away or stuffing some of our fears, they grow silently and become far worse! While I sure don’t want to sit around complaining about my fears or worse yet, going on and on and on about them so that they gain even more traction, I do want to get them out in the open where I can consider if there is anything I can do about them or if they are even that likely to happen. Thanks so much for that idea! ~Kathy
The concept of shadows to our values, perceptions, personality, etc was a new one to me until very recently and I read this post with great interest. We call carry our doubts and fears about aging and death in different shapes and forms. Certainly denial is a favourite.
I think my worst shadow out of all of these is the dementia/Alzheimer’s, likely because my mother has dementia, and every time I visit here in the nursing home (where she’s been for 9 years), it sets off some fears. But I just read your post on brain health, and I think I’m doing the things that help keep the brain healthy, so I feel good about that.
It feels like Byron Katie’s process would be a good thing to do with shadow thoughts. Her first questions are always, “Is that true?” and then “Are you sure it’s true?” It
Hi Laura! Nice to hear from you. And I agree–that Alzheimer’s/dementia shadow is a big one. But I do believe that letting it smolder below our waking consciousness is not healthy. Far better to acknowledge it and get it out in the light and go from there. And I so agree that Katie’s approach is a good one. Because after all, do we know it’s true? And if yes, why fight it? And if not, why worry about it? Thanks for your thoughts on this! ~Kathy
Reminds me of the old quote: A coward dies a thousand times before his death, but the valiant taste of death but once
It is good and realistic to occasional take a look at the dark side and to realize that there are negative aspects to aging. My Mom died young of a heart attack, so I worry about that. I know that I have all kinds of aches and pains that are now part of life- especially when I get up in the morning. I am aware, and take precautions when I can, but nothing is ever guaranteed for you. We can choose to be aware and to not dwell on the negative. I’ve discovered that grumbling usually makes me feel worse rather than better.
Hi Michele! Thanks for letting me know you agree that recognizing that everything has a potential downside–even positive aging! I believe that someone very close to me would still be alive if she had gone to the doctor for some regular age-related tests instead of us pretending (or ignoring) that we still need to be proactive when it comes to certain things. Of course, as you say, that is still never a guarantee but at least we do what we can with precaution. But oh yeah, I definitely agree about the grumbling and complaining! That’s why I think it is so important to encourage each other as much as possible so we can make the most of the days we have left. ~Kathy
What a brave post, Kathy. You’re 100% right: we can’t age mindfully without awareness that there is dark alongside the light. I’m married to a car guy, so I see it this way: no matter how lucky we are, if we have 250K miles on our odometer, there will be some wear. Over a lifetime, some of us are carefully maintained and some not. Some were more expertly manufactured than others. Some sat out in the sun and some in the garage so paint jobs look different after a while, some rings and gaskets are holding up better than others due to a number of factors. But regardless, things happen. The challenge is to appreciate the good times and the blessings (e.g. I slept well last night, yay!) so we can have a mental bank account from which to draw resilience for the bad.
Hi Lynne! Thank you! Even though I remain a cheerleader for the positive aspects of aging, shadow work provides a very practical way of seeing both sides of the issue without sliding completely into one or the other. Thank you so much for your wonderful analogy of the paradox. We all have different “vehicles” with all sorts of unique characteristics. Hopefully, our vehicles will continue to take us down the road one way or the other–but we’re the ones who will judge the quality of the experience as well as decide what we will see as we pass by! And yes to a good night of sleep! ~Kathy
Shadow work is a new concept for me. It’s obvious, though, given your explanation. “While I remain very optimistic and positive about getting older, I don’t want to be in denial about some of the issues that could come along.” My intention has always been to engage in life in it’s totality so that includes the positive and the negative. I liken it to having bears in the area – I don’t want to be scared; I want to be aware. All things are relative and it seems there are so many things in life that are blessings and curses simultaneously. Sometimes the blessings only become obvious in retrospect.
Hi Mona! Thank you for providing an excellent example of the reason I think it’s SMART to consider the shadow of positive aging. Thinking of it as we do about bears or any other natural potential problem is the same. Being “scared” doesn’t really help anyway–it’s the awareness of them and what they can and can’t do that’s so important. Another example is that we know we need to brush our teeth to avoid problems. Can they still happen–yes! But rather than pretend something isn’t happening we just go to the dentist and take whatever steps necessary. And yes, I also agree that sometimes we don’t realize our blessings until afterward. But I’m convinced that worrying about things without action is pointless. What’s the serenity prayer? “Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.” ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
As you know, I’m keenly interested in shadow work. There are many excellent books on the topic – I’m working my way through some of them now. If you’re interested in various perspectives, you might want to take a look at ‘Meeting the Shadow: The Hidden Power of the Dark Side of Human Nature” edited by Connie Zweig and Jeremiah Abrams. It has articles by all of the biggies: Jung, Robert Bly, Joseph Campbell, James Hillman, Ernest Becker etc.
I appreciate the way you’ve applied the shadow concept to views on aging. You have a wonderful ability to make connections amongst related ideas and write about those connections in ways that are both accessible and helpful.
Hi Karen! Thank you for sharing some of your resources about shadow work. I haven’t read that new one you mention but am familiar with Jung, Bly, Campbell, and Hillman. These and many others are helpful as well. Thanks for letting me know you felt my connection between aging and shadows makes sense. I certainly thought it wasn’t something I had considered before but like I said in my reply to Haralee’s comment, I believe shadow work adds an important element to anyone on any journey of self-discovery. I am really appreciating the comments I’m getting on this post because it is a little more “challenging” than many of my others. ~Kathy
I can relate to so many of those Kathy (my dad died from early onset dementia) so I wonder about that – then my husband reminds me that dad was an alcoholic and a chain smoker – so probably not going to be my issue, then I get annoyed that I’m doing all the right things and slowly adding a bit of weight – well, metabolism etc comes into play and I just need to get over myself, the dying alone thing is definitely not just for childless people – my kids don’t live nearby and I tell my husband I need to die first because he’s better at living alone! It’s funny the things that hang around in the shadows isn’t it? Great post and it made me smile a little too 🙂
Hi Leanne! Thank you so much for letting me know you got a smile out of this! I hoped it was scary or depressing because I really don’t think that shadow work necessarily leads to that (of course our minds can do whatever they want if we just let them–but that’s another topic!). And when you think about it, perhaps aging is all about learning to accept ourselves as we are…and everyone else too! ~Kathy
I, too, had not heard much of the shadow world, but am aware of its existence. I’m pragmatic and know that I am aging, and my brain still thinks everything else is 30 years old. I get tired easier, I don’t bounce back from injury as quickly, I definitely don’t hear as well and now wear glasses. I used to be so vain about my appearance, not so much anymore, but I refuse to schlepp around in pajamas and slippers to go to the store. Old people used to scare me and I equated old with sick as a teen. Now I look in the mirror and see the gray, the wrinkles, sagging skin and believe I may scare someone someday 🙂 I do expect to continue in good health and positive thinking with lots of laughter. Maybe that’s why I adore sunflowers (got a nice garden full) whose faces turn toward the sun but expire after a few short days. Always thought-provoking, Kathy!
Hi Terri! Thanks for sharing some of your personal experience with aging. While I too have experienced many of the same things, I accept and deal with them as they occur but always do my best to stay focused on the good things that I can do and all the other good things in my life. I love your perspective on sunflowers because isn’t that the truth with just about everything? Some days look more wonderful than others, but without the sunflowers giving way to seeds, we wouldn’t have more in the future. And I believe the whole vision of older people being “scary” is changing as well. I think old people have AMAZING character and insight and that the way I want to see them and hopefully be seen when the time comes. Let us all acknowledge the good but never be afraid of everything else. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy! I don’t think I have heard of “shadows” in this context but it makes a lot of sense. Although I have a positive outlook on life, I confess to sharing a few of those concerns (potential memory loss, not having children to help me in my old age being the top two). Your response to Diane got me thinking about how my “looking on the bright side of life” might also mean that I’m denying a few realities. Interesting…
Hi Janis! Oh good! I so enjoy introducing new ideas. 🙂 But again, the idea isn’t to make us feel more guilty or “face up” to our fears. For me it is just acknowledging that I have them and realizing that in spite of all the good I do for myself and my family, sometimes “stuff happens.” And even though I love Helen Keller’s quote “Keep your face to the sunshine and you will never see the shadow,” I don’t think she was saying there wasn’t a shadow, just that we don’t have spend all our time focusing on it. Does that make sense? ~Kathy
I love that quote. And considering who said it, I agree that she wasn’t denying the existence of shadows.
Indeed – much easier seeing others’ shadows – especially when we don’t have our own. :). LOL. For me, trying to be honest about the totality of a person — and respecting and loving the person (shadows and all) is the greatest respect.
Hi Janet! Yes…that’s a wonderful way to put it. “respecting and loving the person (shadows and all) is the greatest respect.” For ourselves and for everyone else, right? Thanks for adding that! ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – I seem to be one of your readers who was not keenly aware of ‘shadow work” (at least not by name). Once again, your post is very clear and makes good sense. Although I believe that I have a fairly positive personality (at least I try), I do have several fears that can grab hold of me at the least expected times. Your suggestions and insights are very helpful in addressing these fears in a positive and proactive way.
Hi Donna! Great! Thank you for letting me know I’ve introduced you to a new concept. I LOVE doing that! And while I know professionals or students of shadow work (and yes some of my readers!) know far more about its intricacies than I do, I personally find it a helpful check to monitor my otherwise optimistic nature. I suppose that is one reason I like the idea of “both/and” so much better than the “either/or” perspective. And thanks for throwing out the “proactive” word because I definitely believe that shadow work helps those of us who strive for great self-awareness do that. ~Kathy
Hi! I have not heard of shadow work!
All the things written, scare me terribly.
I wish I could change my mind set.
Hi Kate. So sorry that you found this post a challenge. While I’m no expert by any means, I don’t believe that shadow work is supposed to scare us any more than we already are about a topic. Challenge yes! Scary no! Hopefully, all of us will grow older each and every day because consider the alternative? The key is to understand that things change whether we want them to or not but that much of the time, the scary things are only worries and fears that we hold, not the reality. I applaud you for recognizing that another key to it is changing your mindset. While not easy, it is entirely possible. My first suggestion to you would be for you to start reading all the good and positive news you can about aging. I believe that once you read that and look at all the good information out there, you might be able to soothe some of your concerns so that they don’t’ seem so terrifying. I would also recommend that you find some older people who are living fairly well, fairly healthy and optimistic about life at an advanced age (stay away from those who aren’t) and see if that helps. It REALLY helps me to hang out with my friends Bernie and Maureen who are in their 90s and GREAT role models. I surely hope that helps you. ~Kathy
Thank you Kathy for your great tips!
So very kind of you taking the time to Reply back!
I will try!?
You are very welcome, Kate. Don’t give up. Just keep focusing on all the good things that can come as we get older. 🙂
It’s been years since I heard a discussion on shadows in personality. Thanks Kathy for the overview in regards to aging. There are those people who like to wind up others with their doom and gloom looking for akin to their beliefs which is to me just negative aging! I think you really hit upon all I have come into contact with on the subject. I am all about living well and taking care to be able to live well tomorrow!
Hi Haralee! The idea to write about the shadow side of positive aging came to me recently when chatting with a friend about my book on this topic. I admitted that I was a little surprised that some people didn’t seem that interested in the topic (not to mention my book 🙂 ) and the more we talked, the more convinced I became that that person wanted to avoid EVERYTHING associated with the topic–positive or not. It also came up when my sister passed away recently and how difficult people find to talk about THAT. I’m the sort that would rather lay all her cards out on the table and see what happens so those avoidances surprised me a little. And I’m convinced it is “shadow work” that is the culprit. I get that it can be a troubling conversation for us all. But like so many things, it really is our perceptions that make it so. And from there, we can all do like you suggest and be “living well and taking care to be able to live well tomorrow.” ~Kathy
Yup, you nailed it, Kathy! Your descriptions of the shadow made me pause in my reading, and do a quick assessment of whether or not I hide or reject the shadows in my subconscious, and of course I found that I do! I’ve done the work, for sure, but obviously I still need to revisit what lies underneath, and, at the very least, recognize what still exists there.
Hi Diane! Thank you for being so honest and sharing that you recognize a few of these yourself. I doubt that anyone can escape at least a few of these if they are willing to do the same. But again, shadow work isn’t about being right or wrong. Our shadow is actually there to help us if what I read about it is correct. It is only when we pretend we don’t have those thoughts or urges (that are lying deep down) that they can trip us up. Being able to accept ourselves fully means that we have to be willing to admit that sometimes we aren’t all sweetness and light (who me???) and that still each of us is a worthy and whole being. While I remain very optimistic and positive about getting older, I don’t want to be in denial about some of the issues that could come along. ~Kathy
Kathy – I did loads of shadow work in my younger days but haven’t really spent much time considering how shadows are impacting my current reality. After years of very stressful conditions, I’m enjoying the ‘luxury’ of having more good days than bad. I’m perhaps deceiving myself in thinking that I’m still riding the wave of the heavy work I did in my thirties….
Hi Janet! You likely know a LOT more about shadows than I do if you worked on it a lot in the past–so good for you for taking a break. I agree it can be rather “intense” if you take it all the way. But I’m also witnessed people close to me to so completely denied their shadow or how it played out in their lives and I’ve decided that for me, I’d rather take my chances with complete awareness if I can. Of course, I am also fortunate to have many more good days than bad so that makes it much easier. And I’ve also noticed that it is MUCH EASIER to see other people’s shadow than our own!!!! 🙂 ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, Yes, I’ve heard of shadow work and believe in it. I had not applied it to aging though. Interesting thinking!
It also feels a bit like “old” perceptions/beliefs of aging too…i.e. aging being decline, loss, and dependency. While I consciously fight those beliefs, I know they are deeply held based on experience (grand parents, parents, media through the years). Yes, I do worry about being alone, being destitute, getting dementia, being dependent…not too often, but on those bad days! And then I make conscious choices to be positive, live every day with healthy habits, and work on connections. Every day might be a new start on some things, but that’s OK!
Hi Pat! Yes. I would agree that there is a shadow behind the idea of “old” for most of us too. And I also agree that we pick up many of our shadows from our families and the media through the years. Fortunately, I tend to believe, and I sure hope I shared this through the post, that by being more aware of some of our underlying beliefs we can think them through and choose differently. So much better to “make conscious choices to be positive, live every day with healthy habits, and work on connections.” Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. ~Kathy