What you probably don’t know about me is that I like to talk. While I tend to believe that my writing represents my best form of communication, good conversation with interesting people is one of my greatest joys. Put me together in a room with people who are creating new possibilities, transforming their part of the world, or passionately involved in subjects I find intriguing, and it’s hard to shut me up. On the flip side, invite me to a cocktail party where people care more about what they look like, who they know, and what they own, and I have little to say. Or start a conversation with me and then stop the minute your cell phone rings to answer, and I’ll likely just walk away. While conversation often means different things to different people, for me, big talk and meaningful conversations are what really matters.
What do I mean by big talk? First it’s important to note that big talk isn’t talking big. A “big talker” who monopolizes the conversation with their accomplishments and acquisitions is arrogant. Instead, I take my definition from a story told by psychologist and author Gay Hendricks in his book, Five Wishes.
Hendricks tells the story of going to a cocktail party to please his soon to be new wife, Kathlyn. Normally Hendricks did his best to avoid most social events. In this case, he went to the party to nurture his relationship. After a very brief time of meeting and greeting, he began exploring on his own the rooms of the home he was visiting. One room was a library stuffed full of rows of books and a roaring fire in an elaborate stone fireplace. Not until he approached the fire did he notice a man sitting in a chair in the corner of the room.
The man said, “Don’t like parties much do you?
“No, I actually don’t.”
“Me neither,” returned the man. “Hate the small talk.”
“I hate small talk too,” Hendricks quickly answered.
The man smiled and asked, “Wanna have some big talk?”
The resulting conversation led to not only a deep and meaningful evening, but a lifelong friendship as well. Even better, Hendricks used what he learned about himself during the conversation to go on to overcome many of the hurdles holding him back in life. Instead of the often-mindless entertainment that comes from small talk, big talk opens the door for new opportunity, transformation and more rewarding relationships.
So why don’t we do it all the time? A new and growing problem is technology. Sherry Turkle, Professor of the Social Studies of Science and Technology at MIT, and author of the book Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age offers her advice. Turkle believes that while technology connects us by computer and phone in fantastic ways, it hinders real conversation. She explains, “We are too busy connecting to have conversations that count.” The conversations she believes are most advantageous are those where we give our full attention, allow ideas to develop, and open ourselves to be vulnerable. Those kinds of conversations foster intimacy, empathy, collaboration, and allow creativity to grow and thrive.
In other words, chatting on Facebook or texting back and forth might provide us with a form of connection, but it is not a conversation. In fact, a study done at the University of Essex in the UK shows that just putting a phone on the table during any form of get-together like lunch or a date, hinders conversation. When a cell phone is sitting nearby, conversations veer toward the more trivial and that lessons the empathetic connection between those present. Even worse, Turkle says, “Our phones offer us gifts as though from a benevolent genie: that we will never again be alone, that we can put our attention wherever we want it, that we can always be heard, that we can present ourselves as we wish to be seen, that we can avoid difficult confrontations, and that we never have to be bored.” Yes, but at what cost?
In many ways, our constant attention and focus on technology are little more than the latest version of small talk. Tweets, Facebook posts, Pinterest and many blog posts are similar to cocktail party banter that can sometimes be amusing—but easily forgettable within minutes. For example, people often accuse me of writing blog posts that are too long because they can take up to 15 minutes to read. Even those who enjoy digging deeper into subjects often prefer to watch a news story or documentary on YouTube or television than read a book or long article on the internet. Has our attention span become so condensed that no one has time for a big conversation or to thoroughly explore ideas that matter? I hope not.
Fortunately, some people realize the importance of a rewarding, meaningful and big conversation. One such organization is called, “The World Café.” With a book, website and international online resources, the organization works to promote and facilitate conversations that matter. By offering a simple and dialogic process for people to connect, cross-pollinate ideas, and access the collective intelligence between participants, The World Café does its best to encourage conversation. This month, they celebrate 20 years of transformative work.
What about the rest of us? Where can most of us reduce small talk and find conversations that matter? It’s critical to remember that a big conversation is our responsibility—both to start it and keep it headed in that direction. Here are eight suggestions:
1) Make the effort to get together with others in settings that encourage conversation.
2) Put your cell phone away and encourage others to do the same.
3) Don’t run and grab the computer to either prove or make a point to others.
4) Ask questions that dig deeper about things that matter to you.
5) Spend at least as much time listening as you do speaking.
6) Avoid interrupting or trying to one-up the last bit of information shared.
7) Look people in the eye when talking.
8) If the people you are talking to don’t want to follow you towards a meaningful conversation, find another group.
Of course, a major key to finding a big conversation that matters to any one of us is recognizing that we are all different with subjects we find important and worthy of discussing. Plus, like so many other things in life, it is always SMART to remember that quality conversations begin with intention and focus. Equally important is the awareness that we each craft meaningful conversations by the alchemy of people coming together with common interests and concerns, to connect, create and transform together. So, are you ready to include some big talk in your life today?
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I can’t stand small talk. It’s the only thing I dislike about my monthly visit to the hair salon. On the flip side of that, I do enjoy quick and witty banter on vehicles like Twitter. I know those aren’t conversations, but they can be entertaining, nonetheless. It’s the banal stuff about weather, what’s on TV or gossip that drives me bonkers.
Hi Nancy! Don’t get me wrong. I’m no expert and neither am I pure. I enjoy entertainment as much as others. I think the challenge is just remember that what really matters is so much more important than that. Plus, part of my research suggests that too much shallow conversation and/or technology leads to a lack of empathy and compassion. People get habituated to feeling separate and individualized rather than connected and whole. While it is a very subtle change, it does bode well for us all as compassionate beings. ~Kathy
Since I’m shallow I thrive on small talk, but I’m intrigued by your post and think I could do better. In real life, I do enjoy a deep conversation and connecting with people beyond social media and 140 character communications. Great post Kathy.
Hi Molly! Hahahaha! I think it takes a great deal of awareness to know if we are being shallow or not at any given time. Far too many people don’t seem to know the different! And I also think that being a bit shallow now and then is totally okay…I just don’t want to live my life that way! True connection takes more than the 140 character chats. ~Kathy
This is a great post—it really got me thinking. I do feel that the art of conversation has been lost in the age of technology. But every now and then when I’m at a party, I meet someone and feel an instant connection. We inevitably end up in a “big talk” conversation, and I love making that connection with a stranger who then becomes a friend!
Hi Marcia! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and joining the conversation. And I agree that when we meet certain people there is an automatic connection. When that happens it’s almost as if we slip into big talk without effort. With others it’s a bit more challenging. But ultimately I do think that’s what we crave. And everyone is a strange until they become our friend. 🙂 Thanks for your thoughts. ~Kathy
Kathy, I love this. ‘Small Talk’ is the reason I usually dislike large parties. It’s the same meaningless conversation over and over again. I much prefer Big Talk: concepts, ideas, sharing with meaning. Thank you for a thought provoking post!
Kimberly XO
Hi Kimberly! I think I could tell after reading your blog posts for a while that you and I would have much to talk about if we got together. Who knows? Lake Tahoe isn’t that far from La Quinta! It could happen??? Meanwhile I am very grateful to have met you here in the blogosphere and look forward to the time our paths cross in person. Have a GREAT Thanksgiving! ~Kathy
Oh, Kathy, would I just love to sit with you over a nice pot of tea, while we listen to one another and have one of those conversations where we explore life. You know, that’s actually my favorite thing to do 🙂 I’m so blessed to have good friends whose phone stays in their purses, and we sit on the porch and wonder at life.
Is there anything better?
Thank you for this!
http://www.susanmarymalone.com/do-something-that-you-enjoy-today/
Hi Susan! Me too! I would love to sit and talk with you too. It is really wonderful that I’ve made friends here in the blogosphere with women I KNOW I would love to sit and talk with in person. I so wish everyone lived close by. Any chance you are going to the BAM conference in April? I’m hoping that is one place I can meet some of my blogging friends in person and at spend some quality time together! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this and may you have a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving! ~Kathy
Terrific Kathy! This really resonated with me because I hate small talk, but had he not gone he would have never met such a good lifelong friend. When you have friends that you can really sit and talk it can be almost magical. I have a friend that I don’t get to see often, but when we do we know that we will sit and talk for hours and it fills us both up until we see each other again! Have a Happy Thanksgiving!
Hi Rena! Happy Thanksgiving to you too. And yes, isn’t it wonderful when we have close friends who we can really sit with and talk with about things that are important. As a care-giver I’m sure that is CRITICAL for your wellbeing! And yes, thanks for pointing out that if Gay Henricks hadn’t gone to the party he would never have met his future friend. That’s a great reminder for us all to make the effort to reach out when possible. ~Kathy
Ten years ago, I didn’t know what it meant to “create and hold the space” for something. Lately I have thought about this idea mostly in regards to the workshops I do: I put intention into the kind of physical and energetic environment I create so that it will foster learning and conversation. But reading this post made me realize how important it is to create and hold space for any and all (big) conversation. There’s definitely a level of commitment and intention involved.
Hi Laura! As a “workshop junkie” myself I can honestly say that in the very best that I’ve attended through the years, that “space” of commitment and intention has not only been created in a loving and compassionate way–but I think it also helps to bring attendees to the very furthest they are capable of at any given time. A good workshop is in many ways a very good conversation! Good for you for recognizing that and making that space possible! ~Kathy
I love this! I find all too often that my husband and I will go days sometimes even weeks with nothing more then small talk, and once I notice it, I make sure to make time for real conversation. There is nothing wrong with the small talk, I believe small talk can turn into some deep meaningful relationships, so it’s a great starting point. But there are times I crave talking about more then the rain and things that won’t matter tomorrow. And it’s in those deep conversations that intimacy occurs and builds strong bonds.
Hi April! Thank you for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts. I agree that small talk can be a springboard for deeper and more meaningful conversation. But I do believe that lots of us get into the habit of just covering the trivial when we are rushed or preoccupied and then forgetting that deep conversation requires more time. Good for you for recognizing it and then doing something about it. Catching ourselves when we’ve wandered off track is VERY SMART! ~Kathy
Although I’m an introvert I love conversations – the deeper the better. As I grow older, I’m so fed up of small talk that I need a whole day to recover from social functions that I have to attend. Last week, I had three of those and I think I’m still in recovery mode!
I’m so glad that my husband loves to chat and we can go on and on about the larger world, politics, our own lives. I know that’s a huge blessing.
I love your blog posts, Kathy – don’t worry what people say about the length.
Hi Corinne! I wonder if that tendency to crave deeper and better conversations happens to all of us as we “mature?” At least maybe the tendency to tolerate meaningless chatter grows as we age. I would think that closer we get to our own mortality, the less likely we are to “suffer” idle chit-chat. After all, if we only have so much time left, who wants to talk about things we care nothing about. It also sounds like you are very lucky to have a husband who likes to talk. When you live with your best conversationalist, it makes life so very rewarding! And thank you….I am happy to say I’ve found my “tribe” of people who appreciate my writing and thoughts. I consider myself very fortunate. ~Kathy
Good stuff, Kathy! I really enjoy big talking too…I have had some great experiences in a book club.
Shellie
http://www.thefabjourney.com
Hi Shellie! Yes I think book clubs are an excellent way to get started on a “big” conversation. Of course that depends a bit on the book, but most of the time any excuse makes it possible depending upon those presents. Glad you to hear you have an avenue. ~Kathy
I really enjoy your blogs– no matter whet the length. They are thorough and filled with interesting ideas. Like you, I enjoy deep conversation. I can do the “small talk” too, but I get bored with it.
Hi Lisa! Thank you. I appreciate you checking in and agreeing that there is a place for longer blogs. I think the same about yours. As long as the topic hold interest I love longer articles. I suppose that also extends to books, as well. I wonder how many people are willing to read a full length book these days. Or are most attracted to the new “short” twitter type fiction like T.O. Weller mentioned in her latest blog post titled, “Zola the Stripper?” I hope not. While I agree that they might provide a few minutes of light-weight entertainment, they are like eating junk food. Ultimately not very satisfying nor healthy for our longer term well-being! I’m hoping that us writers (and bloggers) will continue to do our best to share ideas of value rather than ideas that just drive traffic. ~Kathy
There’s a lot of very astute stuff in this post. Of course, I’m one of those who doesn’t own a smart phone or a tablet. Just a non-internet-connected cell phone and a laptop. And also one who doesn’t generally like parties very much because they’re too loud and too crowded to carry on a real conversation. I also write blog posts that are “too long.”
Parts of what you say recall the many things I’ve read about being an introvert, versus an extrovert, however. I certainly don’t want to say that extroverts are shallow, but it does sometimes seem that they glory in small talk. Since they do seem to make real connections at those parties I hate, and seem to be able to make things happen in the world as a result, maybe they’re just masters of the short-but-meaningful conversation? Does big talk have to be long?
Hi Carol! Thanks for jumping in here with your thoughts on this post. You raise a couple of good questions. First, does big talk need to be long? Hmmm….I’m thinking it doesn’t have to be REALLY long, but I think it is difficult for us to blurt out things that are intimate when we first get together with anyone, except maybe a longtime really close friend. Otherwise I think trust takes a while to build. And now that I think about it, anyone who reveals personal and vulnerable thoughts too early in a conversation are a bit suspect. As a big fan of author Carolyn Myss, she calls some people who dump their wounds on you the minute you meet, something like wound-ology addicts. According to Carolyn they get so much attention and feedback from their wounds that they use them to monopolize the conversation. I tend to agree with that in general. So my thoughts are that it takes a bit of time to get to big conversation.
On the other hand I think the introvert/extrovert is too complicated to be an either/or call. While I test as an extrovert when doing the myers-briggs, I’m fairly close to being an introvert as well. I’d bet most of us aren’t completely one or the other either–especially those of us that write. If I’m talking all the time or around others, my thoughts are hijacked and I never get anything done. I need quiet and peace to do my best. BUT–after writing all day I have to get out and I crave conversation. Sometimes even superficial conversation is better than none after I’ve been alone with my thoughts all day. So yeah, I can do shallow for a while if it’s close to a topic I enjoy like travel. But things like fashion, cooking and even grandkids makes me squirm pretty fast!
What I’ve discovered through this entire “conversation” is that while big conversation with compatible people is one of my greatest joys–I can also appreciate some light banter now and then when necessary. What’s REALLY important IMHO is having people we enjoy being with who can offer us what we need when we need it! ~Kathy
Amen to that last thought. And introverts definitely still need people. They just prefer them one at a time with spaces between. I wasn’t taking “big” to mean intimate so much as just serious. It could be seriously intimate, or just serious about the world and how it works.
Kathy,
Well this blog post openly explains why I consider you such a dear friend. Not only are you a brilliant speaker and writer, you are a wonderful conversationalist! I don’t mind small talk for a bit, but grow quickly bored with it, and want to get down to the deeper conversations when possible.
I like parties, but usually seek out the few people with whom I can share a real conversation, and if there isn’t anyone like that, I am quickly bored.
In fact, I know that I met you and Thom at a party, where Thom and I quickly discovered we share the same birthday. That was … 25 years ago?
I”m so grateful for all the meaningful, enlightening, deep conversations we’ve shared over the years. Our friendship has brought me more joy than I can express in just words.
Sometimes you can just throw all the words out, and a hug can say it all. <3
Jamie
Awwww Jamie! I so agree that this is one of the reasons we’ve always been drawn to you as well. And yes, we have known each other for nearly 25 years, and Thom considers you a twin (younger, 🙂 but still a twin!) And I also agree that like you, I can do small talk for a while but then if it doesn’t move on to something deeper then it just wears me out. I suppose that is why for the most part I prefer “dinner parties” to just regular cocktail parties. It also explains that the only reason I really like to go to any other type of party is if there is dancing!!!! 🙂 After all, if there isn’t big conversation happening, we might as well dance!
I too appreciate all the deep and enlightening conversations Thom, and I have had with you throughout the years. We’ve gone through all sorts of ups and downs and I too value our friendship. We don’t seem to get together as much these days but perhaps this is a good reason to make more of it in the near future? May you and Cindy have an awesome Thanksgiving and let’s set the intention for getting together more after we return from Egypt, okay? Sending love and huggin’ you back. ~Kathy
I like the big talk name and I like big talk.I like having a conversation. I am always weary of people who’s conversations never include anything important or about themselves. I find them manipulative talkers, not better at big talk than the superficial talkers or the talk at talkers.
Hi Haralee! I sort of guessed you might be a good conversationalist after reading your blog for a while now. I think some of us stand out that way. And I LOVE that name “talk-at-talkers.” I certainly know what that means. Unfortunately those kind never do seem to get that awareness. Oh well, it’s enough that those who care do find others we can connect with in good conversation. Are you going to BAM in April Haralee? It would be great to meet you in person and have a big conversation! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy! I’ve never been very good at small talk. I much prefer a good, deep conversation with a give-and-take of ideas. I think I will borrow the term “big talk” for those special times when I can really connect with others. I had a friend visit this last week who also enjoys good conversation. For instance, we have very different views about religion, but the subject isn’t taboo with us. We treat each other with respect and , although our fundamental views don’t change, we always learn from each other. Fortunately, we don’t seem to have a problem with phones and tablets generally with our friends, probably because we are all over 50 and can remember when we actually existed without them.
Hi Janis! How are you? Have you been traveling? Nice to hear from you. I’m reminded of our lunch get-together this summer in Encinitas. That was so much fun and far more satisfying than a phone conversation would have been IMHO. I do think that for our generation it is a bit easier to leave the phone alone while having lunch/dinner or get-togethers, but some people are still highly addicted. Plus, when my dad was alive, and he got his cell phone he could never “not answer” if it rang. I think in an earlier generation we were all conditioned to answer when the phone rang and now that we have them with us all the time, some have not adjusted. Living in a senior area, I see older adults answer their phone just like my dad in all sorts of places. Then, of course, they talk with really loud voices because many are struggling to hear (been there done that before I got my hearing aids!) so that is problematic too. Good for you for having a good close friend you can dialogue with about all sorts of topics. That’s one of the greatest pleasures on the planet in my opinion. ~Kathy
Yes, I can do without the cell phones at the lunches and game nights and book clubs, etc. I have a circle of friends, the klatch – we get together to socialize and to support one another. There are a couple who have difficulty leaving their phones under wraps. We are constantly being interrupted by their trivial texts that they feel compelled to share with us all. I’m not a big cell phone user, especially to text; I much prefer to talk person-to-person. Within the klatch, it’s amazing what I don’t need to know when they can’t text me!
Hi Mona! I agree that keeping the phone tucked away at times is getting more and more challenging. My hearing aids are connected to them which easily allows me to answer the phone (if it rings) and I can also adjust the volume. So if I’m out at a restaurant with others I had gotten into the habit of laying it on the table so I can adjust the volume–until now. I’m making a special effort to keep it hidden just so it doesn’t disrupt conversation OR inspire others to pull it out. And I agree with you–given a choice I always prefer person-to-person conversation. I’ve never really liked talking on the phone that much and vastly prefer looking into someone’s eyes. ~Kathy
I am right there with you, Kathy. I am an introvert, so parties are a chore and suck energy out of me. Give me an interesting person or two to talk with deeply, then I feel nourished and energized. I am lucky that I have a few people on my Facebook crew who post significant articles that I enjoy reading and talking about; otherwise, I might have ditched my account by now.
We live in an area where people visit and talk, without a cellphone or even a TV present (at least in our house). But that doesn’t mean that “talk” becomes “big talk.” I started to invite individual women to my house to have conversations with and that has gone really well (except for one, I am still waiting for a return invitation from the rest, hmmm…).
Virtually all of the issues we are faced with (terrorism, political control by corporate contributions, systemic racism, refugees, global warming, GMOs, etc) are so incredibly complex that it takes a good amount of time to just lay out all of the variables affecting the issue. That requires the ability to listen deeply and to exchange information in a meaningful manner as well as analyzing and synthesizing the information being discussed.
What percentage of the population is actually capable of doing that? It’s so much easier to spout a few one-liners, have an emotional knee jerk response and then move on to talk about the newest TV series…:-)
Hi Annette! I am actually an extravert much of the time but too much small talk wears me out! On the other hand, good conversation energiezes me. I think as a writer I probably lie somewhere in the middle between extravert and introvert. I agree that there are some on Facebook and even twitter who do post good and thoughtful ideas and posts and that too is reason to stay. If someone gets to negative or insists on posts that bring up the lowest level of humanity, I usually drop them.
And thank you for mentioning that most “big talk” is very complex and requires not only interest in following the information but also the willingness to stick to it. As you say, listening deeply and exchanging information is a key. I sometimes wonder what I can do here on SMART Living to more fully engage readers in what I’m talking about. I don’t think I’ve been that successful in creating conversation but I hope that at least I’ve gotten people to think. Any ideas? I wish I could gather all my interested readers together and we could do a World Cafe about some of these topics but I don’t see how that might be. Anyone else have any suggestions? If you do I would love to hear them. ~Kathy
I’d like the idea of a World Cafe! It might be interesting to invite several writers to address each topic. I am always amazed about the posts that get the most comments; it’s hard to predict what will generate the strongest interest and involvement.
Hi Annette! That’s an interesting idea. We could pick a “theme”, and then all write a part of it–sort of like pieces of a puzzle–and then cross pollinate. Why don’t we start thinking about something like that for the spring? I’m going to be traveling in December, and it would be tricky (at least for me) around the holidays. Is anyone else (other commenters/readers) interested in something like that???? Please let Annette or I know. ~Kathy
Great post. Conversation can save the world if handled properly. World leaders need to sit and talk and look each other in the eye and reveal their true thoughts on how to keep our planet spinning. And we all need to find more time to truly talk and relate. Yes, put away the cell phone and get involved with a person’s thoughts and feelings. It’s really the best way. It was, after all, the initial invention. Beth
Hi Beth! Thank you for pointing out the power of good conversation to resolve issues and create peace. Wouldn’t it be nice to see that on a global scale? But then I’ve always believed that things like peace begin with “me” so to the extent that I can be peaceful and communicate in a nonviolent way, to that extent I can start a snowball effect and gradually make change. And YES to putting away the cell phone. I have been so sensitive to my phone and other s since writing this. Let’s start a movement for peace Beth! ~Kathy
Loved your reply, Kathy. Happy Thanksgiving and yes we can all keep the conversation going. Beth
Good, thoughtful post. I find that most people are very interested in telling you what THEY think; but get very impatient when they have to listen to what YOU think. Twitter and facebook sure don’t help. Maybe I’ll go over and take a look at The World Cafe.
Hi Tom! I found it so interesting to think that our addiction to technology has really encouraged that sort of “I’ll tell you what to think but I don’t have time to hear what you think!” In order to communicate we have to really slow down and listen to each other. I suppose our ancestors would have laughed at us for thinking we had to make a special effort to do that! It will be interesting to see what happens with younger generations. Will they even talk?? Yes, check out The World Cafe. ~Kathy
I am definitely not a fan of small talk so this really resonates with me. I do sometimes feel like our culture is hurtling toward shorter, shallow, distracted ways of connecting.
It’s interesting that you mention the World Cafe because I just recently heard about it. The founder of the new college we’re helping to start (Wayfinding Academy) used the World Cafe model in the school’s first public workshop yesterday!
Hi Michelle! Yes, it does look like we are heading toward a cliff if you read too much Facebook doesn’t it? I could tell from reading your blog a while now that you too like to think things through and talk about ideas and concepts that matter, rather than merely entertain. And what a small world it is that you just heard about The World Cafe model. I had the pleasure of participating in a couple of conferences where it was used and think it is wonderful, especially in larger groups and with people who don’t know each other. Wouldn’t it be great for most public gatherings to allow that type of communication? ~Kathy
Oh Kathy you have hit my hot button. I agree with every syllable you wrote. I believe that we have a dichotomy between what we really want to happen and what is feasible. I want to have more meaningful conversations with people and I try, but most of the time I just end up listening. Being talked at is not the same as a conversation. There is so much competition for other people’s attention that we feel we need to interrupt to be heard!
I am a big reader and have moved to another city with no book club to discuss what I read and I miss that. I actually met a woman in the elevator of my building who looked to be my age and we started an elevator relationship.
I could tell that she was a little shy, but it seemed that we have a great deal in common. I asked her if she would like to get coffee sometime. So often people say that, but they don’t really mean it. I followed through with my suggestion and today we are having lunch. I am proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and look forward to hearing what my new friend has to say.
Have a great weekend.
Hi Suzanne! Good for you for reaching out to a new friend. You have an especially unique situation with living in Seattle for a temporary time. I know I really have to push myself to speak to strangers even when the voice inside is saying yes, yes! I think I let the few times I’ve been rejected keep haunting me even though I KNOW that’s not healthy or in my best interests. I did join a women’s discussion group lately and it took a bit to get myself there but it’s been very satisfying because there are a couple of women there who I know will become good friends. Pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone is important. And taking the time to find people who we like to communicate with (and who want to communicate with us) is so very important. Have a wonderful weekend yourself with GOOD conversation! ~Kathy
Well, Kathy, you and I have another thing in common. I love great conversations. One of the things I miss most after moving is not being able to find people who want to have conversations.
And cell phones being out all the time, drives me nuts. If you come to my house to visit why do you have to keep checking Facebook? I think cell phones are just the latest distraction. Historically, people would sit around and tell stories or converse, then the radio came along. Now people listened to stories being told to them from the radio and did less talking. Next came the television which we know people zone out in front of, again missing opportunities to converse.
Each new form of entertainment has removed us from the art of conversing. Look at video games, now instead of getting together to play games friends sit home and compete against another person who is in another house thanks to the internet.
So my point is we have been a society who has allowed the art of conversation to be forgotten while we are entertained by machines.
Hi Lois! I suspected after reading your blog for several years now that you and I share a LOT in common. I just wish we lived close by and then we could really get into it, right? But I also sense that you too use your blog to “communicate” those things that matter to you and although it’s not as easy (or maybe as fun!) as in person, it is still very rewarding, don’t you think? Let’s NEVER let the art of conversation die as long as we are around. ~Kathy
Yes!!!
Wow, Kathy! Were you reading my mind?!
I lay in bed this morning feeling somewhat despondent. Earlier in the week, I tried posting articles on Facebook in the hopes of starting a dialogue about the subject. Then I published an article on my blog yesterday that was meant to provoke conversation about something important (to me as a writer, teacher and lover of books). At issue for me: how we should define literature, and the state of the art of writing in this online world.
I was seriously offended by the proposal made in the media that a viral story about a stripper was the “future of American storytelling”. Yes, I was emotional. Yes, I expressed a strong distaste for the story. But after my rant, I asked questions.
I want to know what people think. I want to hear others thoughts and I want my own ideas and arguments to be challenged. As one commenter so perfectly put it, I wanted it to be the beginning of a “literate analysis”.
Some comments agreed with me. Some started to converse but didn’t come back to go deeper, and most didn’t even read the offending story to know what I was even talking about.
So this morning, after thinking about it, I have now resolved to seek out other platforms for conversation. They must exist, right? As you say, Facebook or Pinterest won’t do. My blog clearly isn’t the place for it, either. I’m checking out websites like Salon.com, Slate, Upworthy and Medium. Now I also add The World Café to my list.
Thank you.
Hi Tracey! Yes we were both thinking similar thoughts for sure. I just read your post and agree that sometimes it is daunting when reading so very many blog posts on the internet that are fluff pieces that will be forgotten in seconds but are still going viral! But I also think that there are still plenty of people who really do want to read about issues and ideas that matter so I keep plugging away–and I’m sure you will too. I do agree that our world is changing so of course writing and how we communicate will too–but I surely hope that big conversation never goes completely out of style.
And yes, check out The World Cafe. While they tend to work in large groups,their guidelines are useful for us all. (oh and do check out slate and salon… ) ~Kathy
I’d love to talk with you, T.O. We could email. The world today is full of fluff and we are all pushed in that direction because of time constraints. But conversation must have some heft to it between people or the promise that later when there is time that worthwhile ideas will be explored. Going to check out your blog post. Beth
Thank you Beth!
I hope you didn’t give up (it seems the server was down this afternoon, of all times for that to happen).
I look forward to the conversation.