A few days ago while having dinner with friends I asked about their plans for the weekend. In an ever-perpetual dancing mood, I mentioned that I had noticed on Facebook that a new band was scheduled to play at a local hangout. But I was torn because I had also read in the local paper that a new exciting restaurant had just opened offering incredible free tapas for any who came by. Even then, I was curious if my friends had heard of something else that might be more fun or interesting. That’s when they all looked at me and simultaneously shouted, “STOP!” Then my dear friend Larry turned to me, put his hand on mine, and said with concern, “It sounds like you’ve got a bad case of FOMO—Fear of Missing Out!” Immediately, I knew that the best, and maybe the only cure, was to return to the mindful practice of simple living.
What is FOMO?
Before Larry pointed out my troubling condition, I was vaguely aware that I occasionally got carried away with analyzing and over-thinking choices and decisions I faced—but I didn’t know there was a word for it. Apparently, the term “FOMO” has become so widespread that it officially became a word in the Oxford English Dictionary in 2013.
The technical definition of FOMO speaks to the anxiety a person feels when potentially missing out on an exciting or interesting event or experience, especially when triggered by technology. But I’d bet that FOMO happens anytime anyone wonders if they made the right choice, worries about the choice they did make, or believes another option would/could be better. And I’ll also bet that just about everyone in the world has felt FOMO at one time or another.
Who Has FOMO?
So FOMO doesn’t just apply to party-animals (like me) who hate missing out on something that sounds fun. FOMO is prevalent everywhere, from the business office to the schoolyard. Anyone who can’t let the phone ring without answering it or checks their email first thing in the morning (and all day long) is also firmly within the grasp. My chiropractor told me that he had to outlaw cell phones in the office because so many people would answer their phone while he was administering a 10-minute treatment. Ever been in line at Starbucks when a person couldn’t put down their phone to make their order? Everyone is afraid they’ll miss something, and all are pure FOMO.
And I’ll bet we all know people who can’t take a vacation or even a long weekend because they believe they are just too busy at work. And it doesn’t matter how important your conversation, if the phone rings they answer it because business comes first, right? While they might think they are hardworking and dedicated, most of the time it is just another case of FOMO.
Or consider families who go deeply into debt buying expensive clothing, cars they can barely afford, or homes with mortgages that they eventually have to give back to the bank? All of that is observing what others have, and insisting on having it for themselves no matter what the cost. In fact, FOMO offers the latest incarnation of “Keeping up with the Joneses.”
Ever witnessed a family at a restaurant where every member is deeply engrossed in their Smartphone rather than talking to each other? What about kids sleeping with the phone clutched in their hands, or moms that insist on knowing where their child is 24/7? Ever answer your cell phone while driving? What about texting? All classic FOMO actions.
What Causes FOMO?
So what’s the motivation behind all of this? Fear—pure and simple. Fear that we will miss something important, interesting or exciting—be it a work-related issue, a childcare issue, a fun issue, or having something someone else has. It’s all coming from the same fear. Anytime we think something isn’t exactly okay the way it is, or that we aren’t okay the way we are—we are practicing FOMO. Jenny Giblin, a psychotherapist in New York, says about FOMO, “These irrational negative beliefs come from a place of feeling as if there is not enough to go around or worrying deep inside that we can not have—or do not deserve—what we really want. One thought leads to another and another, and without us even realizing it can develop into a pattern.”
FOMO triggers a host of other mental conditions including the inability to enjoy what we already have, inferiority and insecurity, feeling excluded and unconnected, distrust of our decisions and choices, a lack of self-regulation, failure to live in the moment, and a tendency to constantly compare and envy. Clearly, all of those conditions lead to lower life satisfaction and unhappiness.
Unfortunately, the current explosion of technology in our world offers nearly unlimited access and connection, which then leads to more and more choices and FOMO. In this day and age of cell phones, email, Facebook, Instagram and Google+ we are all exposed to more information in one day than previous-era individuals had during their entire lifetimes. Some of this is great of course. But the downside is that we now have impressions of what everyone else is doing, having, experiencing and expressing all over the world every single minute of every single day. Like an addictive drug, it’s difficult to say no to such constant stimulation.
How To Spot FOMO
Not only does FOMO make us crave what others are having, being or doing that looks appealing, we are also constantly holding out for something as good, if not better, than what is happening right now. That perpetual over-exposure makes us doubt ourselves and our choices and decisions. It affects us in the workplace because we are afraid we will miss that perfect job, the right client, or the perfect opportunity if we don’t stay constantly connected.
Or what about relationships? How could one person ever satisfy us? Maybe there is someone better, smarter, sexier or more fun? Why settle down when FOMO makes us question if there isn’t someone or something better just around the corner. And how do you rate as a mother or a friend? FOMO pushes us to do more, have more, and be more.
Plus, in a world full of options, how can we not crave buying every glittery thing we see? When continually exposed to others experiencing exciting and glamorous things and traveling to exotic locations, how can we not want to do the same?
What’s The Solution?
As I said in the beginning I think the best antidote for FOMO is consciously choosing a life of simple living, essentialism or minimalism. I’ve written dozens of articles and even written a book on the subject, so I won’t go into details here. Just remember, those lifestyles recommend that we stay clear and focused on those things in life that bring the greatest amount of joy and wellbeing. Once we know what they are and consciously choose them, we let go of all the rest. From this mindset, less is not only better—less is best!
Of course there are a few other things we can to help with FOMO. They are:
#1 Technology is wonderful as long as we remember that we control it rather than it controlling us. Turn off the phone—none of us are that important. Close the laptop—and stop reading what every other author and blogger is doing. And please, please don’t let your children’s lives be dictated by technology. Teach them self-regulation when they are young and it will help them their entire lives.
#2 Remind yourself and others that what we see on social media or in advertising isn’t necessarily real. Most people share the very best of their lives there, but that seldom shows what is really going on. A friend of mine was going through a huge health crisis, but if all you saw were her Facebook posts, you’d think she was having the best time of her life. It’s not real. It’s best never to compare your life with anyone—especially not on social media. While it can be fun and entertaining, it isn’t a place that should guide our important life decisions.
#3 Stay conscious and aware. This really applies to everything but if you are ever snagged by feelings of FOMO—see if you can catch yourself before the urge to participate happens. Try to find out what your biggest triggers are and then steer clear.
#4 Learn to control the mind chatter. This is a big one for me because I LOVE information. New input is like crack-cocaine to me, so I have to really practice mindfulness or I can jump on that run-away train like nobody’s business. Saying, “STOP!” or having friends who will say it, is critical for any of us who have multiple minds going at any one time.
#5 Learn to meditate. Chances are good if you can’t take 15 minutes out of your day to be silent and still, you are experiencing chronic FOMO.
FOMO has become a silent and severe epidemic within our culture that far too few of us are discussing. We must not forget that behind it all is FEAR. Our over-exposed, hyper-busy, stressed-out lives are being driven by our insatiable need to stay connected, informed and engaged at every minute of every day—because we’re afraid we will miss something. I know this because I’ve been-there-done-that. Unfortunately, that engagement is superficial and keeps us from what we really long for—true connection with ourselves, others and things that really matter. Until we recognize FOMO for what it is, and take steps to eliminate from our lives, we can never live SMART 365.
Okay your turn: Here is a link to the FOMO Quiz!
Whoops – got to comment again as I missed the tweet option. Oh dear FOMO again! 🙂 Worth it though. This is an excellent site.
Yep, yep, yep! That’s me too. The other day, I heard a noise and left my computer to see what it was and I discovered a place called ‘outside’. Ha Ha – not really – but it is like that at times. Thanks for reminding me about life outside the web. Didn’t know about FOMO. Ok rest of day off. I wish!
Hi Gilly! Hahahaha! Yes…there is a WHOLE wondrous world out there if we take the time to look! Gotta watch that FOMO! ~Kathy
What a great post! Thanks, Kathy. I’m aware of FOMO and have been a sufferer of that. But as you say, with today’s smartphones and laptops, etc. it’s too easy to get trapped.
Hi Diana! Glad you liked this post but I must confess that I’m still a work in progress. The good news is that I know that I have this tendency so I try to stay as awake and aware as possible. I think in this day and age us writers have to be especially careful about it or we’ll never get anything written, right? Thanks for sharing your thoughts. ~Kathy
hi, very informative. True indeed that we should stay clear and focused on those things in life that bring the greatest amount of joy and well being. Having a positive perspective and being aware of what we truly want will help us a lot. Thanks for sharing. Great post.
Hi Lynne! Glad you liked this post. And if you’ve read very many of them you’ve probably noticed it’s a BIG theme of mine! Thanks for your comment. ~Kathy
Awesomely mind blowing article! FOMO can be associated with so many things now that I get to think of it. A visitto my sister’s place left me insecure when she had this huge party thrown to celebrate her husbad’s birthday, and I was left behind to take care of the preparations. It is indeed a great abhorring feeling, but it also instils courage in you. I agree with you there. 🙂
Hi Madeline! Thank you for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts on this. Yes, FOMO can come from all sorts of experiences even though it shows up most frequently when related to technology. Always best to take our time and recognize that we can’t do everything all the time anyway, so we might as well enjoy the NOW! ~Kathy
new follower at Seven Flowers…thank you for the timely advice …love your ideas and planning to implement a few of them in my family like add a fmaily meditation hour and a tech free weekend once a month!
Hi Nicole! Thank you for stopping by SMART Living and joining the conversation. I’m sure it is very difficult not to get sucked into the busy FOMO mode as a family but believe me, it is so worth it. Your suggestions to have a family mediation hour (EXCELLENT!) and a tech free weekend once a month are both great. I’d love to hear how that works for you over time. Please stop back and check it out when you can…now, I’ll have to pop over and see what you have going on at Seven Flowers. Thanks again for stopping by. ~Kathy
Ha! Yes, FOMO and travel are a killer combo. Although I think I pretty much conquered mine when I was in India in 2009 and found out that the trains were all booked on the two options of days I had available to go to Agra to see the Taj Mahal. I could have gone by car, but it’s 8 hours in a care roundtrip from Delhi and I wasn’t feeling it. So I said, “oh well, I’ll have to come back!”
Hi Laura! Hahaha! Yes, travel sets us up for FOMO but it also teaches us to surrender too right? I also used to “fear” that I would never return so I’d have to see and do everything while I was there–the good news is I have finally reached the place where I know I CAN come back and that feeling is very liberating! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
Here you again come up with an awesome article!!! 🙂
If say honestly, then before reading your article i was totally unaware from the fomo word. But after reading your article got lots of things and found it very helpful.
Thanks for sharing
Keep posting.
Hi Addison! Thanks again for stopping by and letting me know you liked the post. Don’t let FOMO run your life! ~Kathy
I sometimes get hooked into it, but given that I miss most of social events, those are not what I am afraid of missing. I guess I am more afraid of missing getting things done. But I force myself to stop and just hang out with people. And always choose people first.
Hi Jodi! Yes it is easy to get hooked into especially when there are triggers everywhere we look. And isn’t it interesting what fears it generates in each of us? While I obviously am always on the lookout for fun and interesting things and “fear” missing those, my husband’s fear is that he isn’t serving his clients well enough if he isn’t connected, or reachable, at all times. A parent may fear that something might happen to their child if they don’t stay connected. There are as probably as many fears as there are people, and we are all so different, but that fear of missing out is really a fear of loss of some type. I think by identifying what our particular “fear of loss” is we can certainly help keep it all in check. ~Kathy
I knew I had FOMO even before your article and now I am in the middle on the graph. I also noticed recently that going home isn’t as exciting as years ago, because we already KNOW most of what has gone on at home and in the world. Thanks for the reminders and I had better get off the computer!
Hi Gary! Isn’t it fascinating to learn how deeply ingrained this concept is? I’ll bet you face it every day in some of the clients you see–cuz like you say it is in you and certainly in me and everyone I know! Hopefully we can all learn to keep it in balance and to know when exactly it’s time to say, enough is enough and turn off the computer and the phone! Have a peaceful and technology free afternoon! ~Kathy
Wise words! We are being taken further and further from minimalism and becoming more mindless about it, too. Waking up takes more people like you calling it to our attention!
Hi Carol! Thank you. One of the greatest rewards I receive from blogging is the information I uncover and the reminders I give myself so this was definitely one of those cases! Ever since I learned how all pervasive FOMO can be I’ve been a lot more mindful of how often it pops up in my own life. I’m happy if it helps others be more aware as well! ~Kathy
I didn’t do the quiz, but I know I totally have FOMO when it comes to career choices — I want to do everything, and feel like I should have also done half of it, so what’s taking me so long and I’d better hurry up and catch up to everyone else! LOL! Anyway, I am getting better about it. Meditation, check. Mindfulness, check. Being a watcher of my mind, check. And it is helping, truly.
Hey Laura! Sometimes we don’t have to take the quiz right? 🙂 I think those of us who have wanderlust and LOVE to travel are especially susceptible to FOMO if we aren’t careful. I used to be so-o-o much worse (just ask Thom) because I would go on a trip and try to see absolutely everything until I practically collapsed from exhaustion. By learning to slow down and be way more mindful I have definitely learned to enjoy the moments of the travel not just the “to see” list. And yes, meditation is so very helpful. ~Kathy
I have a friend who has a long-term case of FOMO. I think I should make her read this. Thanks for sharing this!
Hi Connor! I think ALL of us have this to a certain extent–but yes, share it with a friend if you think it will help. Thanks for stopping by! ~Kathy
Well said, Kathy. Social media is sure adding to FOMO. That is why it is so important to tune out the cyber world and tune in to the inner self, family and friends. Thanks for your reminder. On that note, I am signing off now.
Hi Pat! Yes! I’ve been hyper-aware of how tempting it is to get onto SMART Living and check all my comments! Ultimately staying in tune with our inner self, the natural world, and those we care most about is a perfect way to counter-act the urge. ~Kathy
Kathy, I really enjoyed this post. I have some patients even in a therapy session that have a hard time not looking at their cell phones! That of course becomes a topic of conversation… I am sure you are aware that there is research out there that shows that those little text dings bring us poor humans the same kind of pleasure response in the brain that sex does so no wonder it can become a bit addictive! Great reminders. Thank you.
Hi Margaret! Thank you for your thoughts on this! And yes! I did read that our brains light up when we hear that ding on our phone in the same area that lights up during sex (or chocolate!) It can be so addicting. I am really glad that I grew up before all this technology because at least I have a little bit of perspective on how insidious it can be if we aren’t careful. But just like eating all that chocolate (and rich food) that I love, it is far, far better for me to learn moderation and balance. I love that you get to introduce some of that into therapy when people want to answer texts or their phone while in treatment. Actually, that is something real valuable that you can help them with! ~Kathy
I am so no FOMO! I think inside jokes are junior high schoolish and rude in a group. I don’t want to know every little thing about others nor do I want them to know about me.
Hi Haralee! Good for you for having great boundaries for FOMO! But I hope my article pointed out that the deep issue with FOMO isn’t just about fitting in or being accepted (although that certainly can be a part of it.) Think of men on the job who believe that if they don’t work 24/7 they won’t get promoted. They would NEVER see their FOMO as being junior high schoolish! I think helicopter parents also display FOMO constantly because they can’t bare the thought of their children having a life independent of them. FOMO isn’t just about revealing yourself, behind much of FOMO is the very real fear that life is a scary place to live and if we don’t play by the right rules (be they religious, social or psychological) then our lives are somehow “less than” others. ~Kathy
I agree that social media is creating an almost crippling addiction with people today but if you stand back from all the chaos and really examine human behavior, we’ve always had these insecurities inside of us. The longings to be a part of the group, to be accepted, to solicit attention so that we could feel our life was relevant. What makes today’s world different is that we now have an outlet to exorcise those demons using a computer or smart phone. The question is, how much of our individuality are we sacrificing in order to avoid “missing out” on something and how much of our lives are we wasting in the process? Great article, Kathy!
Hi Dana! Oh yes, long before I even had a computer or a cell phone I suffered mildly from this condition. I was born with wanderlust and curiosity and while that has served me in so very many ways, it also can become addictive if I’m not mindful. I tend to believe that every quality, even this one, has two sides (yin and yang) to it so I work to utilize this side of myself in productive and life serving ways that increase my happiness rather than distort it. I’ve met far too many people who are closed off and not curious about anything, who never question anything and refuse to ever move out of their comfort zone into something new. That’s why a good balance is so very important and why, in my case at least, embracing a more simple and essential view on life works so well for me. ~Kathy
My idea of a good time is to stay at home, read a good book and miss out on EVERYTHING. I’m NEVER in a dancing mood. And nobody would EVER describe me as a party animal. And I love your blog BECAUSE we’re such polar opposites.
Hi Roz! Good for you for not being driven by this crazy compulsion! I am definitely getting better and better at being able to slow down and enjoy the things right in front of me, but I’m not always there. I always had the wanderlust gene because even as a child I was scheming how to get out of the house and go somewhere and DO something! I’m glad my blog can show you a different side 🙂 and I definitely appreciate yours as well. Isn’t it great that we can reach out here on the internet and share our differences in such a fun way? I’ll just keep reading your blog and hopefully some of that calm nature will rub off on me! ~Kathy
Hi, I’m Sarah and I have FOMO. (Nice to meet you, Sarah.)
Yep, I’m definitely firmly in the fear-of-missing-out camp, and have been for a while. I’ve had to make some rules for myself to govern it, in fact. I now wait until I’m all the way out of bed before checking my phone, and I don’t check email after a certain time of night. The flip side of not missing something is that, well, you sometimes don’t miss it … so now before I check, I ask myself, “Do I really want to DEAL right now?” If not, I don’t look.
My main problem is connection, obviously, but I have friends who are in the party-animal camp or who worry about “going steady” (awesome throwback lingo) because then they have to pass up good date opportunities. Gretchen Rubin says that this is in large part because we’re afraid of “killing” all the other opportunities, which is a traumatizing prospect to the psyche.
Ah, humans. What weirdos.
Hi Sarah! Aren’t we humans so fascinating? I’m actually pretty good about my phone (and dreadful about voice mail) but my computer is about as close to me as Thom and Kloe 🙂 I do set boundaries for myself just so I can get things done and fortunately I can be disciplined. But I constantly have to keep an eye on myself.
I am happy to say that I have slowed down and learned to relax about the party animal thing now that I have “matured.” 🙂 I didn’t ever consider myself really wild but I do like to stay on the move and have a definite wanderlust type personality so that has calmed quite a bit. And that’s a good way to think about it, “killing all the other opportunities” because that is some of the initial feeling that comes up. But what a more simple life has helped me see is that I actually ENJOY the experience more when I can slow down, be mindful and take them one at a time. HOpefully we all find something that helps us! ~Kathy
Guilty in some ways. What makes it tougher is the fact that I am a Libra– the sign of the scales. We are always weighing and measuring ( and second guessing). Lol
Hi Lisa! Yes I get the Libra thing because I am a Gemini with some of the same compulsions! If you’re anything like me you don’t just see everything from one side or another, but from multiple dimensions too! While it can be helpful to see things from many sides in one way, it can also trip us up! Just stay mindful right? ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
Long ago, when I was still young I had read a very meaningful article about phones. Those were the times when cell phone had not taken a monster like grip on our lives… (my sister carries it even to the restroom!)
That article taught me the real use of phone…it said that most of the time the phone rings when you are in the middle of a shower and you can’t enjoy your bath, thinking there must be something important, some news which can’t wait but then the prudent author suggests: just think, whosoever is calling can wait till you finish your bath and if it is really urgent, he can call again.
Our mind is such a weird piece of our body that it never stops chattering! and the first chatter is negative, however hard you try to train it till we start telling it — let it happen, I will face both. FOMO is a modern epidemic, trigged by social networks and its grip is tightening faster.
Thanks for spreading the awareness!
Hi Balroop! Oh, what a great example of FOMO you’ve given us all! Yes, to resisting taking that phone into the bathroom or anywhere else where a little privacy is good.
And while most of us will admit that social media can drive FOMO, the phone and email is also a huge part of the problem because it can LOOK important to others but is just the same fear. If any one of us can’t resist checking our voicemail if our child is in the hospital or our daughter is getting married, then YOU have FOMO right? Let’s work together to make people more aware Balroop! ~Kathy
Excellent. Brilliant. Relevant. Significant.
For me, it’s the social media. I’m so afraid of missing a tweet, a facebook posting, a blog, an email.
It’s ridiculous. And what it comes down to
–is I don’t want people to think I don’t value them, read what they have to say, think their words are worthwhile.
This, I must release.
This, can become an addiction.
But at least I’m aware.
Right?
Sometimes the chatter out there is JUST TOO MUCH.
xx
Happy 4th Of July. Have fun w/ Family!
Hi Kim! I tend to believe that recognizing our addictions is half way there! (at least that’s what I tell myself! 🙂 ) FOMOism is so deeply rooted in all sorts of unconscious fears that it’s difficult to untangle them all–but I agree that we women are much more sensitive to how we are being perceived (on online and in person) so technology and social media just exaggerates it all. Men tend to have more FOMO around their image and around work so it doesn’t always show up the same on FB–but it’s still there.
Just paying attention and being truthful about our motivations is a big step. And today and this whole weekend is a good one for us to simply unplug don’t you think? 🙂 And I’ll do that (really!) right after I head over and read your blog post! 😉
Happy 4th! ~Kathy
I took the test honestly believing I would end up in the red zone. Colour me shocked to see my results: yellow/middle.
Very interesting post, Kathy.
I think for me the FOMO is less about indecisiveness around making the right decision when multiple attractive options are in front of me; and more about the need to feel constantly connected. Working at a tech company for 10+ years certainly didn’t dissuade that mindset. The phone is the first thing I reach for when I get downstairs in the morning. (Note: I do not keep it in the bedroom – so that’s something positive!)
You’re lucky to have friends who will call out the FOMO tendencies when you start to display them!
Cheers,
Nancy
Hi Nancy! Good for you being in the middle of the spectrum. Fortunately that’s where I was too and I was happy about it. Most of the time I can bring myself back and remind myself that’s where I want to be…but it is an ongoing discipline for me. What shocked me is how it has become such a part of our culture that we don’t even see it as that underlying fear. There is lots of talk about internet addiction, but this is a big part of what is driving that and until we recognize the psychological cause, I doubt we can ever get a handle on it.
The good news is that every time I write about something like this it helps to keep me more mindful and aware than usual. Today is a GREAT day to unplug. ~Kathy