For over 30 years I have been self-employed and for the most part, worked alone. Although there are many advantages to being a self-employed writer, I’ve never had the luxury of meeting co-workers after work or sharing life’s ups and downs with fellow employees. And because I am childfree, I also never bonded with other moms over the joys and challenges of raising kids. But since the media recently exploded with news bits equating loneliness and isolation with such health risks as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, making new friends is now a priority. Not only is it SMART to recognize that loneliness is a potential life hazard, it is also beneficial to come up with ways to reverse the trend.
If you’ve ever felt lonely you likely know why it can be such a problem. According to research done by AARP, over 35% of people 45 and over are lonely. Plus, those between 45 and 65 are considered the loneliest people in the United States. Why does that matter? With more and more people remaining single, living alone and being isolated, the mental, emotional, and physical repercussions are dramatic. Research shows that:
- Loneliness raises blood pressure and dumps stress hormones into your bloodstream leading to tissue damage and all forms of diseases including heart disease.
- Loneliness can reprogram genes and attack immune systems making you more vulnerable to infectious diseases and viruses—yep, that means everything from a cold to HIV.
- Isolation increases your risk for diabetes and neurodegenerative diseases. That means that lonely people in midlife are more susceptible to memory loss, dementia and Alzheimer’s.
- Loneliness can keep you from sleeping well and sends your system into hyper-alert with stress hormones flooding your body for most of the day.
- Lonely people over 60 experience a 45% greater likelihood of dying.
As author, Barbara Bradley Hagerty says in her book, Life Reimagined, “I once believed that having friends was a luxury. Now I know that losing friends can be lethal…maintaining relationships with friends, family or work colleagues increases your odds of survival by 50 percent.” Wow!
Backing that up, a study done on over 1,500 people in Australia shows that those who had a large circle of friends were 22% less likely to die than those with few friends. What made this study so interesting is that this increased longevity had nothing to do with how close you were to family and/or your children. It was all about friends.
Okay, so anyone who is lonely knows how it feels and likely wants to do something about it. The obvious benefits of having a strong circle of friends, especially as we age, are:
- The boost to our physical health in seen and unseen ways.
- The boost to our mental health in seen and unseen ways.
- It lengthens our lives.
- It preserves our memory.
- It can help our careers or business.
- It helps to promote the purpose and meaning of our lives.
- It “gentles” the aging process.
- It’s fun!
So, while the advantages are pretty clear, why don’t we all do our very best to hang on to our friendships when we do have them? According to Bradley Hagerty, “…friendships also demand effort, because they are so easy to neglect…. the strength of a friendship lies in its voluntary nature, so does its fragility.” With friendships, it sometimes might seem easier to walk away when the going gets tough—or perhaps even more problematic, we become apathetic and just let them fade away without effort because we get busy or distracted.
In other words, if we get lazy about our friendships, ignore the value, or overestimate the “investment” they require, we may find ourselves with no one to call when we really need help or comfort. If that happens, we’ve done ourselves a big disservice. As Bradley Hagerty concludes, “All the research converges on one unshakeable imperative: If you want to live a long and healthy life, invest in friends, particularly at midlife.”
The good news is that there are some simple actions we can take to continue to make (and keep) friends no matter what our age. They are:
- Get married, get a roommate you like or find someone to love. Studies show that people who have at least one other person they can count on feel less isolated.
- Get a dog! Having a pet can lead to connecting with other people (pet owners) as well as provide social support for the owner.
- Attend a spiritual, religious or philosophical organization on a regular basis.
- Volunteering helps to connect us to others with the similar values.
- Join local clubs or groups with similar interests or values. Yoga or book clubs are great examples.
- Hobbies or sports that you enjoy are great ways to connect with others. Pickleball anyone?
- Help put together a meet-up or group of people who have passions or interests like you do. (see below for my recent meet-up with fellow bloggers!)
I get that it isn’t always easy to put ourselves out there when we feel shy or unsure of how we will be received. And as is my case, sometimes being alone is just a habit we’ve become accustomed to living. It can also be intimidating at the start if you are making a new connection all by yourself—surely having a friend or partner go with you the first time helps to break the ice. But the results are in. For those of us who want to remain happy and healthy in the years to come, expanding and deepening our friendships matters even more than what we eat or how much exercise we get. Perhaps it is SMART to put growing our friendships at the top of any to-do list we might have in the years to come.
So, what does a writer/blogger like myself do to stay connected to people? One unique thing you can do is put together a meetup with other writers/bloggers (or anyone else you share common interests with.) During the last two months, I have been fortunate to get together with several women who write and blog. While these women don’t live near me, they came to town to get together and talk about something very near and dear to our hearts. Oh, and to have fun too. A special thanks to Donna Connolly for putting us all together. Because these women are uniquely special in their own ways, I invite you to check out their blogs in case you may want to connect with them the way I have. All of us plan to write a blog post (and post it today) about our meetup in a way that fits our personality and blog. Please pop over to each of their sites and leave a comment just to say Hi!
Donna Connolly who writes at Retirement Reflections lives on Vancouver Island in British Columbia, Canada where she and her husband “reflect” on their retirement life when not busy traveling and meeting up with other bloggers.
Liesbet Collaert is originally from Belgium but now she and her husband Mark travel around the U.S. in their RV doing house and pet sitting AND writing. On her blog Roaming About she encourages us all to live a life less ordinary.
Janis Heppell lives in the San Diego area of California and on her blog, Retiremently Challenged she writes about the joys and challenges of the retirement process along with her frequent travels and photography.
Terri Webster-Schrandt is from Sacramento who teaches part-time at the local university, loves to paddleboard, and shares thoughts and photos about life and staying active and happy on her blog Second Wind Leisure.
Okay, your turn. What is one thing you are doing to connect with and maintain your friendships?
Hi Kathy, Donna had sent me links to her site blogging about past meet ups. I began searching on your site for a post about the 2017 meet up and I began reading this post. Great information on friendships and health! I was not aware that you were including the 2017 meet up in this post. I can see why the two topics would go hand in hand. I always read your entire posts, often twice. Engaging and relatable information. I am fortunate I have people I love in my life (friends are included in this category:). If we are lucky to get older, I know I will be losing many of these people. I try not to look too far ahead, yet it is inevitable. Great phrase, Kathy “It gentles the aging process.” I I have a couple of quiet hours in a motel room right now and I am thrilled to find these gems:)
Hi Erica! Thank you. And thanks for going back through some of my older posts. I think one of the main reasons that I put together some of my books (filled with posts from this site) is that I suspect that not many take the time to go back and read the archives. And yes, I wanted to write about that first meetup but I also thought it was a good example of why we all need connection. It sounds like you are well connected but like so many things, I don’t think it is something that we can EVER take for granted. Meanwhile I am SO looking forward to meeting you in person in a week! ~Kathy
Kathy, this is a really excellent post. For a long time loneliness was one of those “elephant in the room” kinds of topics. I am glad that you and others are writing about it because I think many people experience loneliness and alienation, but do not necessarily know what to do about it. It is interesting that the current research is showing that social connectedness is incredibly important for one’s health.
I am grateful to have a number of really close friends (although I do not live near most of them), a beloved spouse who is a wonderful companion, and close relationships with my adult kids and a number of other family members. But when my first husband passed away at a young age and I was a single parent of young children, there were many evenings and weekends that I felt lonely. I was lucky to have a few good friends who included me in social outings, great work colleagues, and a supportive extended family, but I do know how it feels to be lonely.
As you know, we have recently moved to a new community. Since arriving here, we have both made it a priority to get to know people. We are fortunate to live in a friendly community. We have met many of our neighbours and have joined a community service group. As well, I have connected with a group of artists and am planning to formally join that group in the new year. Rob has reconnected with a good friend whom he had lost touch with for years. I also make time to travel to visit my close friends elsewhere and keep in touch regularly by phone. I think that if one is willing to reach out to help others, through volunteer work or neighbourly acts, and to take the time to have conversations with people that you encounter, it is easier to make people’s acquaintance.
Jude
Hi Jude! Thank you for providing such a personal experience for all of us. I do think we learn from one another (I sure do!) and hearing how other people have come through our experiences are incredibly helpful. It sounds like you are taking many of the right approaches to getting to know people and expand your friendships in your new community. You are fortunate to have a spouse so that can be helpful but more than anything is the willingness to reach out. And staying connected with your friends from the past (as well as family) also requires effort and intention. Thanks again for your great examples. ~Kathy
I knew friendship was important but you’ve shared information I did not know. It’s hard sometimes for us introverts to make ourselves get out there and focus on friendships – but since it might help me live longer I need to make it more of a priority. I’m sharing this in a roundup to publish on 12-2-17.
H Shelley! It is a good idea for all of us to remember that the time and effort we put into cultivating and maintaining friendships is a benefit to us and to those we befriend. I agree that it isn’t always easy…and yes, it’s even more challenging if we are introverted, but again, I don’t think it is the number of friends that we have-only that we have support if and when we need it. And thank you so much for sharing the message. I think the more of us that know about this the better. ~Kathy
what do you do when you are90 yrs old and just lost your wife and best friend and so many old friends are gone
Hello Jim! I am so very sorry to hear about your wife. I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be for you. I don’t think I am nearly qualified to answer your question but you definitely have my sincerest thoughts. Have you considered grief counseling? When you are ready that might be one tiny step in the right direction. At least then you would not be all alone in your grief. Take care, my friend. ~Kathy
An especially relevant topic for me since we recently moved a hundred miles away from our old hometown. We’re trying to keep up with old friend while making new ones – thru church, the senior center, the university — but it’s not that easy. You have to work at it . . . and always say “Yes” to new things.
Hi Tom! Thanks for sharing some of your own experience here. Reseach shows that people who move are more likely to be depressed that first year after moving exactly because it takes a while to make new friends. What that points out to me is that if we are thinking about relocating at some point in the future (upon retirement or just aging) then it’s better to do it while we still have the energy and good health to reach out to others. And thanks for the advice, “You have to work at it . . . and always say “Yes” to new things.” ~Kathy
I am in the midst of what I am calling a two week family and friends tour. I flew from South Carolina where I live now to Boston where I went to college to see my niece, some old friends and some new ones (through FB).
Then I came to NY where I lived the majority of my life to see my sister, best friends I have had forever and some other people. My old friends and I have “lost” too many people too young–we are making sure that we stay connected and visit one another regularly.
There is nothing like a trip like this to make you feel invigorated, remember what people liked about you through out your life, and ready to re-boot life at home on Saturday–staying here for American Thanksgiving.
I dont have a man or much family. A few friends lived in South Carolina and for the first time in my life I had to actively seek friends. Fortunately some people reached out to me through my formerly very popular blog, I joined groups and met more people. It takes awhile and you have to mentally prepare to be rejected but reaching out is so worth it.
As luck would have it I live in a small cul de sac and all the others (five houses) sold within the past two years and some incredible people took their places.
Hi Pia! Nice to hear from you. And your plan to stay connected to all your friends and family sounds wonderful. And thank you for confirming what I think most of us know deep inside, and that is how great it feels to connect to people who are important to you. I also commend you for being proactive when you moved so that you are gradually building your base of friends where you live now. And how GREAT that your new neighbors are wonderful people. A house in our neighborhood just went on sale and instead of thinking I would be sad when they move, I will instead focus on your example that they very likely will turn out to be the best neighbors yet. ~Kathy
I like your approach—offering specific suggestions of how to ensure we are not lonely as we age. We need to make a conscious commitment to our relationships in order to move forward with the issue of making and keeping our friends. As you acknowledge, it’s so easy to let friendships slip away. Once gone, they are not so easy to rejuvinate!
Hi Diane! You point out something that is very important–and that is making a “conscious commitment to our relationships.” As with so many things, awareness and intention are critical. May we both continue to make and maintain our friendships! ~Kathy
I like what Mary says – to have a friend you have to be a friend. I like reciprocal relationships. Relationships take time and energy. I have a few circles of friends. In one circle we celebrate birthdays, go shopping, attend concerts. In another circle we have deep discussions about life and spirituality. There’s a circle of friends connected to a sporting event. There’s the community association connections. There’s the circle of “old” work colleagues. There is the circle of extended relatives who are friends, not just cousins and in-laws. There are the neighbors I grew up with who are like family to me. I keep reading about the difficulty establishing and maintaining friendships in retirement and have yet to have someone expound on the reasons for that. Is it a surrender to loneliness as close people move or die? Is it an onset of mental or physical demise? Is it a lack of a skill set? I don’t know where I would be without my circles.
Hi Mona! Good for you for having such a wide group of friends and family. It sounds like you have always managed to reach out and connect with others of from all sorts of backgrounds and interests and that is actually pretty rare. In answer to your question, I think what happens to many people, especially as they age, they move to a place where they don’t know anyone (I think I read that for the first year in a new location around 35% of the people call themselves depressed.) I think that the more people relied on work and/or their children to connect them with other people, the more they can find themselves isolated. And if they never really learned the art of friendship before that, once they lose the convenient avenues of friendship they might feel disconnected. Plus, let’s face it, now that the internet and the cell phone have proliferated, more people are avoiding going out to connect to others. It’s so easy to sit and watch TV or go on the internet, that many of us get lazy and don’t do what it takes to reach out. Another strong form of connection is a church or spiritual organization, but attendance there is dropping all over the world. The bottom line is that people are less and less connected (in person) than ever before. May your example help to motivate us all. ~Kathy
Kathy: Cannot agree more, many connect at work, then retire or move elsewhere, some friends die. As people become a widow or widower withdrawing from couples, some try to find singles or join a seniors center where lunch is served and exercise classes etc. take place usually several hours a day in most towns and cities. Hubby and I are readers, spend time online, do not play golf, tennis.
We ride bikes in the neighborhood and sometimes chat with people casually. Not interested in joining civic clubs or churches (been there done that) since we don’t want obligations to be on a schedule or get demanding phone calls. Few play cards or board games anymore, too many other choices, some only spend time with grandkids or taking care of elderly parents..
Hi Laura Ann! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. It is challenging to find a way to connect with others that “fits” with our own interests and capabilities. Like you said, if sports isn’t your thing, it would be pointless to try to fit into that kind of a friendship. Just off the top of my head, it sounds like joining book clubs might be something you and your husband might find rewarding. Sure there is a schedule but the one I belong to is pretty flexible. And I think my local museum and library at attempting to put together game nights for exactly the reason you bring up–far too many do it these days. OR…sometimes the solution is sticking my (shy) neck out and inviting a casual friend to dinner AND to play cards or a board game. It just might turn out to be a great relationship. After gathering this information I really believe we must keep trying. Good luck! ~Kathy
I feel a fairly okay with this one Kathy – I have a husband, two pets, attend a church PLUS I have a few really good friends. Nice to know that loneliness won’t be a problem in the short term – but it’s true about making the effort to nurture and invest in our friendships or risk losing them. Great to see you getting together with some other great bloggers – it gave me a smile 🙂
Hi Leanne! Good for you for feeling well supported and connected at this time in your life. But just like other steps we all take to stay well and happy–let’s keep friendships front and center. And yes! Wouldn’t it be great to meet up with bloggers that we know on the other side of the planet? Maybe one of these days it will happen! ~Kathy
I love this article. I really wish we lived closer to each other so we could meet up in person, but I do feel grateful for our Facebook friendship. I love the idea of getting together with other bloggers in the area. Something I might look into. Between having a writing career and dealing with some health issues, this year has definitely been challenging. Loneliness is something I am working through a lot this year. Very relatable article!
Hi Wendy! I too wish we lived closer. There are definitely those in the blogosphere that I read on a regular basis and think, “I would love to meet this friend over coffee (or wine!) Who knows? Perhaps it will happen? And yes, I know you’ve had some health stuff going on for sure so I don’t doubt that makes it particularly challenging to focus on other things. I am hoping that you (and all of us really!) are surrounded by loving people to support you. ~Kathy
I can really relate to this post. In the past 2 years I quit my long time job, moved to a town I hadn’t lived in for years, and began working from home. It can feel very isolating because few people understand the work at home situation. However, seeing the statistics about the harm to your health I’m going to make more of an effort to get out of my little space. I’m going to share this in a roundup post on 12-2-17.
Hi Shelley! Isn’t it good to know how important it is for us to keep working toward making and keeping friends. I always suspected that it helped to make it a good life, but had no idea how important it was for our physical and mental health. Good for you for vowing to make the effort. I hope that this post helps others make that decision. And THANK YOU for sharing it with others. ~Kathy
My mother was a widow from the age of 33. She knew the value of friends and had many. The hardest time in her life occurred when we were grown and flown and her friends still had husbands that they traveled with and cared for. Once those men died, she found a whole new life. That’s not to say she didn’t try ALWAYS to make and have friends. She knew the value of having someone to talk to. It keeps us sane and alive.
Hi Beth! It sounds like your mother gave you a great example of the importance of continuing to make friends (and maintain friends) no matter what our age. I remember both my parents, especially my dad, when he was lamenting the fact that so many of his friends were dying off. I admit that sounds daunting, but I can’t help but believe that we need to continue to work toward friendships as some of them fade away. And as you say, that will keep us “sane and alive.” Thanks for sharing this! ~Kathy
Your article on loneliness really resonated with me, especially last summer! I have really never been alone or felt lonely. When I left full-time City service I gleefully spent my first summer happily alone (first summer EVER not stressed!). Summer 2016 I wrote a book and did a lot of blogging, and we traveled a lot so that loneliness did not creep in. As I mentioned to you at our meet-up, this past summer was when I felt loneliness for the first time and it was a whammy! Between a sick dog and a broken bone, I was full of weirdness and anxiety and some of those effects are still clinging to me. Being able to talk to each other as we did at our meet-up was a salve to an open would I barely knew I had and I appreciate you all listening and your support! So many women don’t always recognize the effects of loneliness and this post is so important to read. Will be sharing!! This was our third time meeting, Kathy and I treasured every moment (And thanks for the book!!).
Hi Terri! Thank you for pointing out something else that I think is really important. When we are busy and focused on other things is it easy to forget that our connections are important (at least it is for me!) But your example shows that when circumstances change and we find ourselves facing challenges (especially illness) it is so important to know there are others in our life that care and support us. Those isolating factors can really take a toll on us. I am so happy to hear that you are coming out of a bit of a funk and are now back in action. And yes to a wonderful time sitting and talking about our lives and our blogs. Let’s remember to do it more often. (and you’re welcome, for the book!) ~Kathy
When I was writing my book, I became a hermit–until I suddenly remembered I had a world of friends out there that I was neglecting. When I started reconnecting with them, life became so much better–and I felt healthier!
Hi Nora! How are you? I agree that it is easy to get very focused on projects that are near and dear to our heart. But after everything I’ve learned about how important our friends are, I’m really making an extra effort to stay connected. I don’t think any of us want to be that person at a certain age that finds themselves all alone and doesn’t know why. And thank you for confirming that it does make life better AND healthier. ~Kathy
I’m building community through a couple groups and have started a sewing circle. It’s been great.
Hi Anne! Thank you for sharing your efforts to connect to others. Joining groups and other circles is an excellent way to share something interesting and/or fun with others and then deepen our connections. ~Kathy
Brilliant post, Kathy! I greatly appreciate all of the research that you have shared here. I am honoured to be part of your group of friends and look forward to this continuing.
Hi Donna! Me too! I am also honored to be a part of your “Annual Bloggers Desert Meetup!” Notice how I just gave it a name 🙂 Knowing we have friends out there in the blogosphere is very rewarding. Meeting in person is icing on the cake. Looking forward to seeing you next October! ~Kathy
I’ve often thought that loneliness hits extroverts more than introverts. And that if you grew up with siblings around you’re more prone to feel lonely when you are by yourself. I say this from an introvert/only child perspective. Not that I’m antisocial, but seeing the stats you mentioned makes me sad for the people out there who find loneliness to be a burden. I just consider it to be how life sometimes is, no big deal.
[Found you via Donna and Janis, btw. “Hi!”]
Hi Ally! Welcome to SMART Living. And you bring up a really important thing. I was talking about positive aging to a group of people last week and the topic of isolation and loneliness came up. One person asked about how that affected introverts and extroverts. I mentioned that I had read that it wasn’t how many people specifically that were in your life–but the quality, support, and connection you felt even when you are alone. As you said, most introverts are quite happy alone and don’t need that many people around them. I think it is more about whether how you “feel” about connections. It sounds to me that you feel connected and are happy the way you are. AWESOME! That is what I hope for us all! Thanks for your comment. ~Kathy
Very interesting post, Kathy. Every time I read your blog, I learn something new. 🙂
The symptoms of loneliness sound pretty similar to those of stress, which surely can affect your health as many of us can attest to. I knew that having friends and taking part of social gatherings was important, but not to this extent. I thought – from personal experience – that it was more of mental importance. In our isolated lifestyle, I have come to appreciate social contacts more than ever. I have always been good keeping in touch with friends and I’m not planning to slack on that, especially not after reading your article.
Another benefit of growing your circle of friends is the social networking part, which might come in handy in different ways, from gathering more advice, to learning new things, to sharing important experiences, to possibly selling your house via a friend of a friend. The more people you know, added to the people they know, grows a community and the wealth of connections and information.
Of course, it was so incredibly nice to meet you a few weeks ago. Thanks again for hosting dinner. I hope we get to hang out with you and Thom again, here in San Diego. We have a lot of similar values in life and I’d like to keep talking about those just a little bit more. 🙂
Hi Liesbet! Yes to our ongoing friendship. I knew from reading your blog (before we met in person) that you share a lot of SMART (:-) ) commonalities with me and that we would have loads to talk about. Unfortunately, our time together was pretty short. But we are planning to connect with you in January while you are in San Diego…and you know where I live so you are welcome for a return visit here as well. I obviously think that growing and maintaining our friendships are vital not only for personal health but society as well–one friendship at a time! ~Kathy
Great post Kathy. It does take effort to be a friend, phone conversations and going out together. Just this week I spent a few hours with a friend. This is my busiest time of the year but I had already put her off a week and don’t regret putting in the investment in our friendship.
Hi Haralee! I thought one of the best points that Bradley Haggerty made was how many people neglect their friendships when they are busy with other things. She makes a big case saying that one of the reasons that perpetually lonely people often die faster revolves around the concept of “closeting.” She sites examples where studies were done showing that gay men who were lonely were three to ten times more likely to die of the HIV virus. What they believe is that without friends people tend to see the world as more hostile. Friends actually enhance our immune system and lower any inflammation. She quotes a doctor who says, “when you feel isolated, whether you are with others or not, your brain goes into self-preservation mode.” Such a fascinating subject and it proves that what you are doing to preserve your friends is so very important. ~Kathy
Friendships are the key to a successful retirement – and life. The main thing I miss about working in a corporate environment (besides the IT department) is the easy social network I had. Creating and nurturing a solid group of friends now that I’m no longer working has been a focus of mine. Blogging has been a wonderful – and unexpected – way to help do this.
It was so great to spend time with my good friends last week. You, Donna, and Terri were so much fun and so generous with your insights. I’m hoping the stars will align next year too!
Hi Janis! Yes, I’m sure many people who hit retirement underestimate how that cuts them off from the people they just automatically had around them at work. Good for you for making that an ongoing focus for you! And I’m so glad that you and I have managed to connect a couple of times ourselves. It’s nice that we live within a few hours of each other. I’m looking forward to your visit with Paul in the springtime–maybe we can play pickleball!?! ~Kathy
I think I may have found a pickleball court/team/game close to where we live so you might have a challenge (as soon as I can figure it out 🙂 ).
oh good! It’s not difficult to pick up if you’ve ever played tennis, badminton or ping pong. It’s actually a combination of that. The scoring is a bit tricky but anyone who has played a few times can usually help keep you on track. And as for challenge…I’m not really competitive so I’d gladly let you win the challenge just for spending a fun time together. Let me know what you think….
I’m a 4 year widow, but my ex SIL lives with me. We get along well, but she does have a guy and we do a lot of separate things, which is good. I have three other girlfriends, all widows, and we get together often. But nothing can take the place of a close relationship with a husband or partner. The dynamics are just different not even counting intimacy. Loneliness still is there even though I stay busy. But friends are very necessary and the old saying “to have a friend you have to be a friend” is very true.
Mary: Many people interact at work, church and are busy with family and don’t have time for more than several friends outside work and church. Now days people spend time on social media and internet taking up most of our spare time. Nothing wrong with solitude as some people enjoy spending hours reading or watching movies. I have a partner (spouse) which really means not much time to hang around w. friends.
Hi Mary! Thank you for sharing some of your own experiences with us. I’m sure it is extra challenging losing a spouse but it sounds to me you are doing well in re-establishing connections with others. But because we women tend to outlive our male partners, it is important for us women to continue to grow and maintain whatever friendships we can manage. And although not easy, finding a new intimate relationship is also something to consider. Good luck to you on staying connected. ~Kathy