I’m not sure why but I tend to be almost fanatical about my commitments. If I say I’m going to do something, come hell or high water, I’ll do it. For the most part this quality has served me very well. However, sometimes this obsession gets me in trouble. That usually happens when the edges of my commitment get fuzzy with the actions or non-actions of others. Before I know it, I’m sucked into involvement and drama that is not of my doing, and often not even in my control. That’s why the Polish proverb, “Not my monkey, not my circus,” has become a valuable mantra for my life.
I first saw this phrase on Facebook. I know not everyone is happy with Facebook policies and some of the silliness we see there. But jewels like this statement pop up every now and then and make the experience valuable. I’ve since seen the quote as, “Not my circus. Not my monkeys.” But I prefer to put the monkey first because I usually get involved with the people first and then drawn into their circus. From now on I want to steer clear of both.
Need an example? A few years ago I agreed to volunteer for a local organization. Volunteering meant a significant commitment of my time and energy, but because I agreed to do it I jumped in feet first. Thankfully, the return on my “gift” has rewarded me in many ways. Then a year ago I saw a need in the organization and volunteered to fill that beyond my previous commitment. Unfortunately I underestimated the increased commitment making the new position more challenging. To top it off, a woman in the leadership of the group has ended up making my work even more difficult than anticipated.
A couple of weeks ago this woman I’ll call Jane phoned me in a panic telling me that she had screwed up and not checked some vital facts that affected dozens of people. She asked if I could help. In some ways, the wise answer would have been to pause and think it over before agreeing to help because this wasn’t the first time this had happened. But Jane didn’t stop there. Jane told me her father had just passed away and that she was critically needed to go to the aid of her sick mother. With that as an excuse, how could I not help?
The thing is, yesterday Jane called in a panic once again. Even though I had previously spent a couple of hours unraveling her mistake, she had not communicated the information to the right person and had essentially made the problem even worse. Could I help? Thankfully I was conscious and awake enough to tell myself what I needed to hear. “She is not my monkey. That is NOT my circus.”
Now I’m not saying that I am conscious enough to never be sucked again into someone else’s drama—but I hope I am getting there. Of course, the closer to home the “drama” is, the more likely we are to think it is ours in the first place. Plus, if the drama is happening to a family member or a close friend, most of us (especially women) feel that it is only right or compassionate to help whenever called upon. But when we are more compassionate to others, and neglect and abuse ourselves, is that what compassion is asking for? And at what point is that “help” more about our need for love, acceptance and approval, than it is to really offer that person what they need above all else? This of course ties into my post from last week about needing to be right. Does our desire to rescue others really hide our need to prove our “rightness?” To prove our “worth?”
Letting go of other people’s monkeys and circus is something many of us have wrestled with throughout our lives. I’ve always loved a Buddha story with the same theme that asks the question, “If someone offers you a gift and you refuse to accept it, who does it belong to?” According to the story, one day the Buddha was walking down the street and a man approached him and started hurtling insults and accusations at him. The Buddha calmly listened to the man until he stomped his feet, waved his arms in the air and marched off down the street.
Another man who saw the incident walked over to the Buddha and asked him, “How were you able to not respond to that man?” The Buddha merely paused and asked this new man, “If someone offers you a gift and you refuse to accept it, who does it belong to?” In other words, what the first man offered was not his monkey, not his circus.
This message is repeated over and over by others as well. Author Richard Carlson, Ph.D. said something just like it in his book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…and it’s all small stuff. Carlson reminds us that, “If someone throws you the ball, you don’t have to catch it.” Author Byron Katie in her book Loving What Is says, “To think that I know what’s best for anyone else is to be out of my business. Even in the name of love, it is pure arrogance, and the result is tension, anxiety, and fear. Do I know what’s right for me? That is my only business. Let me work with that before I try to solve problems for you.”
Is there ever any time I should get involved in someone else’s monkeys or circus? Maybe. That’s something only we can individually decide. But I’ll bet most of the time we do it unconsciously and out of habit without really thinking about whether it is something better left to the other person who “owns” it. And any time we are doing it with the underlying hope for approval, acceptance or love, chances are good that we are using it as a distraction (and excuse) from living our own life as fully and completely as possible. Maybe, just maybe, the SMART path would be for each of us to focus, learn from, and ultimately enjoy our own monkeys, and let everyone else do the same.
Think I will try that one on this week. Ain’t nobody got time for this, not my circus, not my monkey. Love it.
Hi Renee! This REALLY helps me–and I hope it will do exactly the same for you! ~Kathy
In the South we say, “I’ll sweep my porch, you sweep yours.” Which takes it all a step further…”That’s not my business. And this? Is not yours.”
My favorite saying I learned from Facebook?
“If you sit by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by.”
Hi Marianne! Welcome to SMART Living and thank you for sharing a “southern” perspective on this idea! I love them! Now all I have to do is remember them when the need arises!!! ~Kathy
Aw, this is one of my favorite newish things to say to myself! Love how you put it in to practice! I am not so great yet at remembering this, but it gives me great hope to see it can be done!!! Loving your blog, so glad I found you through #bigtopblogparty
Hugs and love,
Life With Green Eyes
Hi Angela! Thank you so much for stopping by SMART Living and leaving a comment. A motto of mine is to “comfort the disturbed and to disturb the comfortable” so if that sounds good to you please check back often. ~Kathy
I really need to remember that saying, “Not my monkey, not my circus!” I am way too often sucked into someone else’s circus as I am too nice to say no most of the time… I truly am my worst enemy at times like those. I loved the Buddha story as well it definitely has me thinking about things with a much different perspective! Thank you for joining us and linking up to Party Under the Big Top! Hope to see you again next time!
Wishing you a fabulous week!
Much love,
Lysa xx
Welcome to My Circus
#BigTopBlogParty
Hi Lysa! Thank you so much for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts. I think getting the “not my monkey, not my circus” is an ongoing process for sure. Just having that saying makes it easier for me to say, “oh yeah, there I go again!” Glad you enjoyed it and happy to be a part of your “blog party.” ~Kathy
What a terrific post and a wonderful reminder. I was raised to give my all to everything I do. This tends to get me in trouble. My dad would tell me “If you are going to do something, do it well, or not at all” That pretty much sums up my life. Trying to perfect everything I do, and everything I become involved in. I have to re-teach myself now that I can’t carry the burden of other’s mistakes. They need that growing/learning experience, too.
Thank you for tossing your hat into the ring at the Party Under The Big Top! We hope to see you again next week!
#BigTopBlogParty
Hi Mary! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living! Yes, thinking about it from that perspective of “give my all to everything I do,” is a trigger for accepting all sorts of monkeys! And while that trait, and the one about “If you are going to do something, do it well, or not at all,” are good for so many things, the “dark” side is that they often make us rigid or stuck in patterns that don’t serve us as well. Thank you for pointing that out!
And thanks too for your linky blog hop “Circus” over on your site. I’ll be checking back regularly! ~Kathy
I’ve been out of town and out of internet range for awhile so I just saw this great post.
I think I also read that great quote on Facebook a year or so ago and it struck a cord in me too. I’ve used it many a time since then. I’m not one to pick up other people’s craziness – I hate drama – but the quote is a friendly, funny way to say “no” to anyone trying to get me to board their bus headed to Crazytown.
Hi Janis! I like that phrase, “board their bus headed to Crazytown.” That bus pulled up to my house this morning and it had “MONKEY” written all over it. Thankfully I remembered. ~Kathy
Great post, Kathy. Your point about there often being an underlying desire to be seen to be as compassionate, good, right or worthy is spot on. I’m going to apply “not my monkey, not my circus” to a situation I’ve been dealing with. Thank you.
Hi Narelle! Isn’t that interesting about the underlying reason being something that sounds really good….it can just trip us up if we aren’t careful because then we end up disallowing our own needs (or desires) in the process which can definitely turn around and bite us in a negative way. I’m just finding it so helpful myself (and I hope you do too) to keep reminding myself. So far so good! ~Kathy
I’m 100% sure that we learn this with age. It’s been a long time now, since i’ve done it, but oh, i used to do it ALL the time!
Hi Carol! I have no idea why your comments still keep on ending up in my spam box but I do catch them eventually! And I am really relieved to hear this gets better and better as we age. Maybe in another 10 or 20 years I’ll have it down! Thanks! ~Kathy
Oh my goodness, this is just genius. I will even keep this in mind as I wander the mall or shop in a foreign market place. I can get sucked in so easily. I just need to remember that “it is not my monkey and no my circus!” I love it.
Hi B+! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts. Hahaha! I never thought about it in the shopping context you mention but you are so right? Letting ourselves get sucked into anything that isn’t in our best interest is really someone else’s circus. Thanks for the comment! ~Kathy
Second time in two days I’ve heard this quote. Coincidence? I think not. Drama magnet? Trying so hard to deactivate. Thanks for this!
Hi Nina! Welcome to SMART Living! And yes, isn’t it “funny” how we hear the same message over and over again when it is REALLY something we need to hear. Good luck “leave those other monkeys alone!!!” 🙂 ~Kathy
I made a commitment to do something. But the “assignment” is so vague and big I can’t do it.
the intentions are great—to study the history of South Carolina and look for commonalities among people plus I’m not really sure because the woman who came up with this “thinks in the big picture and can’t be more specific.” I adore her but….
Yes I’m a professional researcher who sees both big pictures and little details–which is why I’m the worst person to do this as I could make it into a book
Any ideas on how to make it less invasive of my life and time?
I love your above answer about the monkeys and circus–so true.
I have always been the go to person for problems but if I have any….I have taken to cutting some people off because it’s not my drama. I really wanted to say this morning to somebody who was complaining about her friend–“she sounds exactly like you,” but contained myself and said something about having to go. I still feel very guilty.
Hi Pia! I think one of the dangers of getting sucked into other people dramas AND monkeys is that fact that we are so competent and we know it. But (speaking only for myself of course) sometimes I take on those monkeys just to show others how much better I am at it all–and then I whine a bit when I become overwhelmed at all the “invasion.” I think (for me again of course!) that I want to get to a place where I could care less whether they fail at their monkey or circus and I still feel good about myself regardless. I really, really want to get to the point where I do what Wayne Dyer said when he said, “can you be okay if everyone thinks you are the village idiot?” I’m not there but I’m working on it… ~Kathy
OMG – Not my monkey. Not my circus. — is brilliant. I could have used this blog years ago. I am with you, Kathy. It has taken me years (61!) to figure this one out. I have learned how to be caring without being part of the circus. It is a delicate dance, but well worth the effort and discipline. I am all about “SmartLiving365!”
Hi Ellen! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and joining the conversation. Glad you liked this one. It is certainly a visual one huh? I love how you say, “it’s a delicate dance, but well worth the effort and discipline.” Thanks for your comment. ~Kathy
This has become my new mantra, too, since seeing it on Facebook a few months back. It’s SO liberating to step away from others’ drama, and I think it becomes easier to do as we get older and less invested in what others think of us. Great post!
Hi Roxanne! Yes! Isn’t it funny how something just hit the nail on the head when it comes to saying a LOT with so few words. And yes, it definitely gets easier as we age thank goodness. Plus, I’ve sort of noticed that there are those of us who tend to get sucked into other people’s dramas a bit too easily, and then there are those who tend to be the suck-ers, as it were. Given a choice, I’d don;t want to be one of those kinds of people either. Much better to just mind my own monkeys and play in my own circus! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts. ~Kathy
Sometimes you are outside of the tent when making your decision and do not realize how large that circus actually is.
Hi Tabor! YES….sometimes it is very difficult to tell just how big that tent is when making your decision. But as I’ve learned from reading a lot of Bryron Katie–that really don’t matter that much. Katie says there are three kinds of “business” in this world. Other people’s “stuff,” Stuff that can only be handled by God (or whatever you call that higher power) and your stuff. The problem is that we get sucked into other people business all the time and whether it’s big or small, it belongs to either them or God. We can only really do anything about our own anyway.
Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment! ~Kathy
Oh I know just what you mean, Kathy! It’s my plan for this year as well. Uncomplicating my life by cuttng myself off from drama!
Hi Corinne! I think you did a post on this one too but it is such a cute and important reminder for us all I couldn’t help myself. As you say, it is essential in order to “un-complicate” our lives. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy.
One of the things I’ve been learning to accept with the whole writing online and “putting yourself out there” is dealing with criticism (constructive or otherwise).
Your example with the volunteering situation was a perfect example of how difficult it can be to say no, and how necessary it is to know when it’s the best thing. I often feel find myself feeling so torn in these situations, especially when there are other people behind the scenes who are being affected by someone else’s negligence. Admire your calm awareness under pressure.
AJ
Hi AJ! Oh yeah. I think anyone who works in the creative field of any kind has to find peace with putting ourselves out there and then dealing with the reactions or non-reactions of others. Sometimes being ignored is even worse that criticism!
And I am just a work in progress as I go along and hopefully make progress so I’m not always “calm and aware under pressure.” But it certainly something I strive for and little sayings like “not my monkey, not my circus” help me. Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
This becomes especially challenging with family. I have always been unconditionally supportive and caring of family members, but as they have matured (and so have I) it is sometimes more complicated than it appears to simply say “I’m here for you no matter what.” I have been overwhelmed with guilt when I’ve had to pull away somewhat to maintain my peace of mind.
Hi Sharon. You are right of course. The closer the person is to you the more difficult this becomes. But again, when does our need to help come more from our need to be involved than their need to figure it out on their own. And being there “no matter what” is really complex as you say because there are so many ways that can be either helpful or co-dependent. And perhaps the biggest issue is not when we do it not just for our peace of mind, but for their personal growth and resiliency as well. Of course as I navigate life I’m just figuring that out with parents and siblings, but I’m sure it is even harder with your how kids. Good luck! ~Kathy
This mantra has been rearing its lovely head for me over the last few weeks. I’ve always been the go to person, to help fix the mistakes or help with advice for many people. I’ve realized lately, that I’ve given to much of myself away, and need to take the focus back on myself. Fix my own monkeys as you will. This was a great read. Thank you so much!
Hi Paula! Thank you for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts. Isn’t it interesting how some things just keep showing up for us? 🙂 As long as we don’t fight them and instead see them as reminders there is so much to learn from each other. Thanks for your comment. ~Kathy
LOVE that expression. I’m going to use it often, I can tell. I am practicing extending love and compassion without offering solutions or my view through my lens. And I do believe that compassion can be delivered from a distance. 🙂
Hi Laura! Glad you appreciate the sentiment! And I appreciate that thought that compassion can be delivered from a distance as well. I far too often we forget that so much can be done on a vibrational or soul level that is likely more effective that all the business we get sucked into anyway. Thank YOU for that reminder. ~Kathy
I love it! And, I love the Byron Katie quote. I’ve done what you have done–more times than I care to think about. In a post some months back I wrote about “no more nice”–sort of the same thing of realizing I needed to take care of me first.
This is a great post, worth returning to!
Hi Walker! So glad you like this one because I didn’t think I was alone in being haunted by the problem. And isn’t Byron Katie great? She brings me “back” and reminds me often of things I need to remember. Thanks for the comment! ~Kathy
I’ve never heard this phrase but it is definitely something I will keep in mind going forward. It is a great reminder on how to set boundaries when you need to.
Sometimes I am good at this and other times I’m not. I guess that’s life, tweaking the things you need to tweak without judgement and celebrating everything else! Thanks for the food for thought! Xoxo
Hi Jodi! I’m so glad I decided to put this post out there with this title because I’m hearing from quite a few people that they haven’t heard it before. I think that is a good reminder that when we find something that works for us and “inspires” us to put it out even if we think others may have heard it before. Ultimately most of us struggle with similar things but when we hear it one way vs another, it makes more sense. Glad you find it helpful and YES! to us tweaking and growing as we go! ~Kathy
I\’m waiting for that too! In the meantime I will continue to implement more and more SMART thinking into my life. 😉
This concept sort of reminds me of a proverb we learned in Jamaica with a similar sentiment: “Cockroach no business inna fowl fight.” Literally: The cockroach has no business getting involved in a chicken fight!
Hey Michelle….Oh I like that one too! “Cockroach no business inna fowl fight.” Wouldn’t they just get eaten? As tough as a cockroach is, we all have our danger point. Thanks for sharing. ~Kathy
I have never heard this phrase before but I love it! I don’t do drama and I don’t get involved or try not to be sucked into others’ drama. Sometimes I think I am just a sounding board and that is fine. I just listen and make some nonjudgmental noises and everyone is happy. This happens frequently lately with adult age children’s mothers who happen to be my friends.
Hi Haralee! I definitely think listening to someone as they vent is a different thing entirely. Most of us benefit by having friends to listen to us as we sort through our experiences. Unfortunately when someone vents on us and then asks us to do something to fix their problem they are inviting us to their circus. The good news is that most people will find someone else to take on their circus if we just don’t “catch that ball. Good for you for finding a way that helps you avoid the monkeys! ~Kathy
Great message Kathy. My wife and I are planning on looking into volunteering our time in some capacity when we arrive at our new retirement neighborhood. But we want to be careful to not over commit ourselves. The previous owner of the house we bought said one of the reasons she was moving was to get away from all of the commitments she had made to the local community – it left her no time for herself. We definitely want to pitch in and help out worthy causes but also need to know when to say no. Not my monkey – I will remember that! 🙂
I’m adding “not my monkey, not my circus” to my all time favorite lists of quotes!
I gave myself a pat on the back yesterday for side-stepping a fray. Yay!
Hey Nancy R! Yes, funny how a little quote like this says so much huh? And good for you for recognizing and “side-stepping” someone else’s circus yesterday!!! May we all be as fortunate today. ~Kathy
This is TOTALLY MY NEW MANTRA. I struggle with this so much, because a big part of me still wants to be the person I was for the decade before I had kids: helpful, nurturing, the one who always had the answer. Most of my friends came to me for a long time, because I was there, good at listening, provided food, etc. Now I don’t have the time, interest or energy to deal with a lot of these fabricated dramas, but it’s sad to watch the people who used to think I was the best go to other people to get their needs met … it challenges my idea of who I am, and the part of me that wants to be “right” always wants to jump back in. But I don’t, because I just can’t. I’ve been telling myself that in pretty much so many words, but now I have a WAY BETTER way to say it.
Thanks, Kathy! Inspiringly awesome, as usual!
Hey Sarah! Happy New Year! Doesn’t this just bring up all sorts of imagines in your head when you hear it? In some ways that helps me remember it because the crazier the request from someone else the easier it is to imagine monkeys, trapeze artists, elephants, you name it–all in a big circus ring with it all happening at once. 🙂 No wonder all that drama is attractive to us on some level!
Of course it now sounds you KNOW you don’t have time for it–but there’s still that attraction huh? Good for you for recognizing that things could not continue–and now you have a good name/phrase for it. Besides, you now have your own little monkeys at home to take care of right? I’m waiting for you to have the time to get your blog back up so the rest of us can see photos of them. 🙂 ~Kathy