In January of 2022 I selected the word surrender for my word of the year. Often referred to as WOTY, it is customary for people to pick a particular word to hold in their mind, and perhaps guide them, throughout the year. I wasn’t entirely sure why I selected surrender, only that it seemed like the perfect next step after using “trust” as my word for 2021. As things happen, surrender became more and more meaningful to me as the year unfolded. Then recently I reread a book from several years ago by Michael A Singer. That book, titled The Surrender Experience is Singer’s follow-up to his first book the untethered soul—the journey beyond yourself. Together, those two books are helping me recognize my own surrender experiment and where I hope to go from here.
Michael Singer didn’t start out to be an author of a book read by millions around the world, or to be a spiritual teacher interviewed by Oprah Winfrey and dozens of other leading podcasts or television thought leaders. Actually, in 1971 while studying for his doctorate in economics he had what he calls a deep inner awakening. Leaving school, he went into seclusion for several years, developed a deep meditation practice, and eventually founded a yoga and meditation center where “people of any religion or set of beliefs can come together to experience inner peace.” But he didn’t stop there. In addition to writing a number of very successful books, he has also gone on to create and excel in business management, building and computer software.
One of the best things about Michael Singer and his books is the simplicity of his message. Using everyday language and examples he explains ideas that many find difficult to absorb. One of those examples is the use of a thorn metaphor. Say something happened to you that was traumatic—someone close to you passes away, you go bankrupt, or you get very ill. Like with an embedded thorn, we have two ways to deal with it. Do we suffer the pain of pulling it out so it can heal fully? Or do we bandage it and then spend the rest of our life protecting it and not letting anything bother or trigger it ever again? Do we learn and grow from the experience—or allow it to define our entire life? The more levels of protection we apply around it (so we don’t feel that pain) becomes a cage. Best to remove all the thorns we’ve held on to (all the things that cause us disturbances) and heal.
While his book the untethered soul is by far his most well-known, in The Surrender Experiment he describes his own personal path of surrender. He asks, “…what would happen if we respected the flow of life and used our free will to participate in what’s unfolding, instead of fighting it? In other words, is it possible to accept, let go and trust life to unfold on a moment-to-moment basis, and have everything turn out better than we imagined? Or do we instead try and control and micromanage everything we encounter in order to be safe and happy? (There’s that thorn again!) Not only does he answer those questions, he shares what he did over the span of 50 years explaining that each of us can experience what he has learned—and no we don’t have to go into seclusion. After all, the journey of inner peace happens inside us and that exploration is one each of us can take as far as we are willing to go.
From what I’ve been able to understand, here are a few of his most important ideas:
- The first step is to become aware that we are not our thoughts or our emotions. We are not that voice in our heads that is constantly talking about this, that and everything. Our true nature is the witness to those voices—the awareness behind them. The more we become aware of that voice (or voices) the more we can detach from the melodramas our other thoughts are constantly creating.
- At our core is a well-spring of energy. As long as we keep our hearts and minds open and don’t block this energy it is life giving, creative and nurturing. However, if we get lost in the chattering voices we usually close-down in fear and build a wall around our hearts. There we block our energy, become depleted and live smaller and smaller lives.
- The more our thoughts become disturbed or fearful in any way, the more we try to control reality, and the more we restrict that flow of energy. If we try to fight, fix or run from our disturbances or fears we create blocks (thorns) that can become permanent restrictions in our psyche.
- The only way to keep the energy flowing in a positive way is to notice and then release those disturbances as we witness them. We must feel them and then allow them to pass through us and dissipate. If they happened in the past and have become blocked, then we must allow them to surface again if triggered—and then relax, accept the feeling, and then let it go.
- If we can surrender to what is happening, let go of trying to control, and keep our heart and minds open, we will have all the energy needed to best address what our next step might be. Best of all is the peace, joy and freedom that will come from open hearts and energy.
How does this work? Let me offer more examples. Singer is convinced this works as well on slight disturbances as well as BIG disturbances. Say you are driving down the street and the car in front of you is driving very slowly or all over the road. Do you get upset? Or say your neighbors decides to throw a huge noisy party on the night before you have to get up early—and didn’t even invite you. Do you lay awake in bed ruminating? Or what about if you plan an outdoor picnic and the next day it rains—completely ruining your plans? Do you complain and whine?
As Singer points out, if we are fighting or resisting these things—we are punishing ourselves—and fighting against something we cannot control. One of his favorite sayings is, “Eventually you will see that the real cause of a problem is not life itself. It’s the commotion the mind makes about life that really causes the problems.” If we stop allowing the thoughts to swirl in our minds, in many cases the problem goes away. If you can do that, you will have the energy and space to be better able to handle what’s in front of you.
What happens when the problem is bigger? This last year I had to deal with a couple of health issues that were potentially quite serious. Worrying about, complaining about, or denying them does absolutely no good. What about what’s happening in politics? Does my grumbling or griping about what is going on help in any way? Absolutely not. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel things—or take steps to help, it just means that I don’t get attached to the negative thoughts or feelings as they pass through me. I let them flow (to the best of my ability) and then address what needs to happen next. Again, it’s not the problem itself that makes me miserable—it is my thoughts, judgements and melodrama about the problem!
Why? Because we are constantly attempting to control reality so that we don’t have to experience pain or discomfort. Unfortunately, as we all know, that doesn’t work very well. We cannot control the world or keep all our thorns from ever getting triggered. Instead, accept reality as it is, and then feel the pain and discomfort that may arise, then let it pass through. Pull out the thorn and then move on from there.
While I won’t pretend that I have achieved anything near the level of Michael Singer, I do think that my surrender experiment is a beginning. Just like everyone I know—stuff happened in 2022 and not all of it was good. The story we tell, the thoughts we think, and the emotions we’ve had all add up to whether our energy is flowing strong and free—or is bottled up making us anxious and desolate. Like so many things in life, do we remember we have a choice? Maybe it’s best if we take the SMART approach and let our perceived problems flow past us while resting deep inside our awareness with an open heart? I know which I’m working toward.
There were some great thoughts in there Kathy (as always) and I know for me, control is a big issue that I’ve been dealing with over the last decade. Trying to release that tight grip I felt I needed to have on everything and the idea that I actually could control life in some way! Knowing it’s based in fear, and having the courage to let life unfold, and the positivity to know that eventually things tend to work out, have been big lessons for me and I’m still a WIP – but definitely making some inroads – Yay!
Happy New Year from Down Under!
Hi Leanne. It’s definitely an interesting book and worthy of a read if you have the time, inclination. I’m finding it very helpful. And Good Luck to you and yours in 20223! ~Kathy
He sounds like a very intriguing writer and thought provoker, like you. My favorite phrase is “Eventually you will see that the real cause of a problem is not life itself. It’s the commotion the mind makes about life that really causes the problems.” And that is so true!
I think you can call it surrender, however, as I read the post it made me think of the word “Zen”. Just be zen about it. If you can affect the outcome, then do something. If you can’t, don’t worry about it. And boy is that easier said that done.
Michael is right about it being a life long pursuit, too. I have been working on this concept most of my life and will for the rest of it. It’s the only way to have a peaceful, fulfilling and thoughful existence, I think. Thanks, again, for sharing your unique finds and insights into such a very timely and valid concept.
Hi Debbie! I think you really might enjoy his writing (and some of his writing online.) I really enjoyed podcasts where he is interviewed by others, but although he has his own podcast, just him talking can get pretty dull (IMHO). The Untethered Soul on the other hand is a great read and simple to follow. And your are correct referencing it to Zen…he has studied Zen so that is a big part of it, Toasim too as well as some Stoic philosophy thrown in there too. For anyone who has been reading/studying these topics they aren’t really NEW but I think he has a very intriguing way of putting it all together. Would love to get your thoughts on it if you do end up reading it. ~Kathy
That’s a book I need to read…I have a big project at work that I know is coming up in August and September and I find myself already worrying about it…and worry really is a joy-sapper. Great post, thank you.
Hi Jo! Thanks for stopping by. And I highly recommend The Untethered Soul” for advice about how to address our worrisome thoughts in any regard. May your 2023 be a good one! ~Kathy
I am grateful to you, Kathy, for bringing this vital point forward. Over the last several years, I’ve been making it a goal to become more surrendered. Even though I still have a ways to go, I can absolutely say that I’ve come a long way.
Hi Lara! Michael Singer himself constantly reminds us that we will never just “arrive” where we aren’t growing…As long as we keep moving forward that is a great thing. Thanks for stopping in and sharing your thoughts. ~Kathy
Kathy, I remember the words of a song we sang in church when I was growing up – ‘I surrender all, all to thee my blessed Savior, I surrender all’. We sang these words at the end of each service as a reminder (and comfort) that we are not in control, our commitment is to trust and let go, to surrender. Those words always made me doubt my faith – just a little.
I like the peacefulness of letting go, and sometimes I hum those song lyrics in my head when I am facing a difficult decision. But, as Liesbet said, sometimes our intervention and advocacy are not only appropriate but necessary. For me, it has been important not to let that part of myself rule, to find balance, and to understand that not everything is a crisis and that not every situation needs a response.
Just yesterday I lamented to Malcolm for an hour about a woman I just met who constantly talks over others to make herself the center of attention. After a while, he tired and said, ‘so don’t be around her.’ Simple right?
As always, I appreciate that you bring ‘food for thought’ to the table each month, along with the insights you lend to these conversations. I am constantly late to the party because I read, digest, then read again many of your posts. Thank you.
Hi Suzanne! That song was a great affirmation about trusting and letting go…and how great it has stayed with you through all these years. And I so agree that finding the right balance for ourselves and our world is so important…and you say, “not every situation needs a response.” I NEED to use that as an affirmation!!! Thank goodness we have spouses that can help remind us of what we know, right? And thank you for letting me know that this post triggered some thoughts in you…it doesn’t matter when…just nice to know it did. 🙂 ~Kathy
What a thought provoking post. Being a nurse, I really appreciate the thorn metaphor. If we do not remove the thorn, it will continue to fester and bother us and can eventually lead to more trauma. I have read several of your books but I just subscribed to your blog. I look forward to future posts and hearing what your 2023 WOTY will be.
Hi Marian! Welcome and thanks for subscribing. It’s always good to know that people appreciate my posts and ESPECIALLY that I provoked your thoughts in some way. I will definitely let everyone know my WOTY and you’ll have to let me know yours. ~Kathy
Yes, yes, and yes! I was hoping that you would sum up your engagement with “surrender” before the end of the year. The summary of Singer’s books was a bonus (love his books!). Everything in this post resonated deeply with me. Everything you described has certainly been my experience with this practice of surrender. So what a great word, following the great word “trust” the year before. Can’t wait to see what you come up with for 2023!
Hi Galen! Thank you for confirming that you also believe that Michael Singer’s teaching is a perfect example of surrendering. And while as you know his practice is quite simple, the mastering is an experience of a lifetime. And thank you also for your blog post today–it just might be my WOTY for 2023. Between that and surrender and trust I should be able to know if it’s a fit–right? 😉 ~Kathy
I love that — using trust and surrender to lead you to your new WOTY, which might be allowing. Brilliant.
Thank you, Kathy, for this important reminder. I have been working on surrendering for the last several years. It’s still a work in progress, but I have definitely made progress.
Hi Christie! You’re very welcome. I know I need all the reminders I can get. And Michael Singer is very clear that this is a work of a lifetime. While there is no where to arrive at…just slowly but surely remembering…then remembering again. Yes to progress! ~Kathy
Yes, “the real cause of a problem is… the commotion the mind makes…” Lets watch our choices…
DItto what Janis said. She has a way of stealing my comments before I have a chance to write them! 😀
Hi Donna! Yes Janis does have a way with words doesn’t she! I love how everyone fills in different aspects of what I’m hoping to communicate so it’s always great to hear her thoughts–AND yours as well! ~Kathy
I think we give up a lot of personal power (as well as add to our stress) when we fight hard against What Is rather than deal with it or, in some cases, just accept it and move on. I’ve been known to get upset with slow or inattentive drivers in front of me and yell or cuss in my own little cabin space (I’m not crazy enough to yell where others can hear 🙂 ), but, amazingly, I’ve found get to my destination at just the same time if I don’t yell… and with a lot less stress.
Hi Janis! Oh yes! Michael Singer is convinced that the freedom and energy we feel when we step away from our out-of-control-thoughts and just relax and let things unfold as they will we will be amazed. And yes, isn’t it funny how certain little things can trigger enormous frustration while sometimes big things are easier to let be? Singer is convinced that is because those little things with big reactions are actually triggering big blocks that we denied somewhere along the way. He suggests we start becoming aware when those small things are triggered and gradually learn to let go until it becomes second nature. I’m not there yet for sure but I’m working on it! ~Kathy
Your post opened my eyes once again, Kathy. And, I’m having an aha moment about why I have been feeling so depressed, helpless, frustrated, annoyed, and unhappy these last couple of months with everything going wrong with our camper getting to Colombia.
It’s a control thing! When things are out of our control, it makes us anxious, angry, uncomfortable. Especially when someone else messed up and put us in this situation, while it doesn’t even affect them.
“There’s nothing you can do about it,” is something we heard a lot recently. But, we only partly agree, because it’s due to our intervention that everyone’s camper wil still get here in mid-December instead of January. So, we try where we can and need to accept – surrender – when we can’t.
Hi Liesbet! I can only imagine the frustrations you had to deal with in the last few months (not to mention the last year!) But Michael Singer really gets to the heart of the matter with the quality of our thoughts that we tend to have running through our minds when we are stressed. Like you said, it DOES HELP to stay engaged and do what you can, but only to the extent that it doesn’t make us crazy. Learning to step back and not get sucked in to drama is a BIG lesson for me. Luckily, I think it is getting easier as I get older. Look what you have to look forward to! 🙂 ~Kathy
I say its not the problem that’s problem, it’s how we react to it that’s the problem. Or can be a problem depending on how we react. Another common expression here is “ the is no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothes” ??????
Hi Ann! Exactly. And Michael Singer also uses the weather as a good example…he doesn’t quite say it like you Canadians do, but he makes a big point of saying if it is REALLY hot and you’re tempted to complain about it, it is good to consider the energy of the sun and then goes into all sorts of details about the sun that shows what a gift it is to all of us and is something that we not only take for granted, but then fuss about the heat of it. But without the heat none of us would even exist. It’s all in what we tell ourselves that matters, huh? ~Kathy