As we all know by now, actor Robin Williams died by suicide earlier this week. Sadly, his passing comes on the heels of other departures by famous people like Maya Angelou, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Shirley Temple and Paul Walker to name just a few. And while death always catches our attention, sometimes it also causes us to catch our breath—especially when it strikes those we consider too young. Yet the truth is, we don’t know these people. Our only connection to them comes from highly filtered stories from the media. So what is it that triggers the widespread mourning that so many feel when tragedy hits our celebrities? Here are nine reasons I found that might help to explain the phenomenon.
1) People want to connect to powerful stories. While we don’t know the real person behind the celebrity, they do offer us a powerful story that we can connect and relate to on many levels. “If you look historically, it was common for people to stand outside the palace gates when kings or emperors died,” said Karen A. Cerulo, chair of the Department of Sociology at Rutgers. “I think there has always been a sense that the very visible – we have a connection with them,” said Cerulo.
2) They fulfill our need for social connectedness. Many people consider celebrities to be “intimate strangers” that we often know better than our neighbors, coworkers and sometimes even our family. According to Tracy Marks, M.D., “ Research shows that celebrities fill a need for social connectedness in a world grown increasingly isolated.” We especially connect to any who we believe shares something we ourselves can relate to on a personal level.
3) They are a bridge to our past. “When a celebrity passes, the loss is personal — not because we knew the celebrity but because they were with us as we grew up and as we had our own special moments,” says Dr. Alan Hilfer, director of psychology at Maimonides Medical Center in New York. Dr. Tracy Marks continues with, “When a celebrity dies, we cherish their art in which we’ve enfolded our own memories, and we mourn their death for the piece of our own cultural history that dies with them.
4) Celebrity death reminds us of our own mortality. The surprise of unexpected death is always a reminder of how fleeting life can be. While most of us are fortunate that those close to us usually pass less frequently or as unexpectedly, in some ways such loss prepares us for when that time comes.
5) By recognizing that other lives matter, we assure ourselves that ours do too. Grief expert and author David Kessler explains that centuries ago we gathered together in churches or town squares to talk about the dearly departed. Now we do it on the internet. Those gatherings allowed us to share our grief, have it witnessed, and acknowledge that death is something universal to us all.
6) It gives us social solidarity. One form of that is BIRG (basking in reflected glory.) Spee Kosloff, an experimental psychologist at California State University at Fresno says about celebrity death, “It’s abbreviated ‘BIRG’. Celebrities are symbols…symbols of fame, wealth, uniqueness, good hair. By our association with them, we can BIRG and gain a feeling of cosmic specialness.” Of course when celebrities die we must hold on to the memories that told us that we identified with them, we understood them, we related better than others. “It’s inflating your own personal tie to the thing that makes you exceptional.”
7) We are empathetic by nature. Most of us care about others, especially those we know. And because some of the time we know celebrities as well as some family members (or at least think we do) when something tragic happens to them, we put ourselves in their shoes and imagine both what they and the survivors are experiencing.
8) We are obsessed with death as a culture. Journalist Jawn Murray says, “There are three topics that Americans are fascinated with, birth, death and marriages. And we tend to go overboard with all of them. You hear ‘Bridezilla’ stories, you see the paparazzi frenzy over celebrity baby pictures, and when it comes to death, we see people at their best or worst.” And because of this obsession Murray says, “Sometimes the media creates a demand for celebrity death coverage that plays into the insatiable appetites of these fans, and that appetite can be overzealous.”
9) Death always triggers our own fears about loss. Most of us dislike change of any kind and death narrows the choices considerably. Also triggered by this loss are our own personal beliefs about whether life is eternal, whether there is a heaven or hell and whether we are more than biological beings. Those without an abiding philosophical or spiritual perspective on what happens after death may experience a crisis of finality.
On one side of the equation is seems odd that approximately 25,000 children around the world died of starvation today, yet Twitter and Facebook are flooded with R.I.P.s for a man who took his own life. But the world we live in, the technology that surrounds us, has changed much of the way we connect, relate and engage with one another. So naturally how we see death and mourn is changing as well.
I grew up watching Robin Williams in Mork & Mindy. I laughed watching him in Mrs. Doubtfire and The Birdcage, I thought deeply about his charactor in Good Will Hunting and The Dead Poets Society, and I grimaced at his involvement with Insomnia and One Hour Photo. Out of a lifetime of inspired statements and jokes one stands out when he said, “You’re only given one little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.”
No, I didn’t know him at all but what I thought I saw was a person who was amazingly creative, outrageously funny, and downright special. Of course, maybe in the end it is SMART to remember that we are all special just because we are uniquely ourselves, and because of Robin Williams, today is a good day to remember just that.
I know for me, one of the things was – of all the hours I spent with Robin Williams, I ENJOYED all of them. Funny pieces, serious pieces, that made me think about those roles for a long time, it was still all good.
Time with certain family members, not so much.
All good points here.
Hi Beverly! Yes, that is a nice way of explaining it. Nearly all the time we spent with Robin (except for the couple of “dark” movies he made) were very enjoyable with lots of laughter or insight. And yeah, family isn’t always that way for sure. How could we not be more attracted to that? Thanks for adding that perspective. ~Kathy
So happy to have introduced the two of you! Sorry I never thought to do that earlier!
For me Robin William’s death made him seem less like a celebrity and more like a regular person with pain no one could help him with.
Very thoughtful post Kathy.
Hi Suzanne! Thank you for stopping by SMART Living and leaving a comment. Yes, I agree that Robin Williams did seem like a very regular person in spite of his celebrity. But again that is probably why so very many of us can relate to him. As opposed to Philip Seymour Hoffman, who had some of the same conditions, Robin connected in a much more personal way. ~Kathy
I count myself as one of his fans in mourning. To me, his death is not just the loss of an incredible talent, but also the loss of a humanitarian who did so much good in his lifetime. Knowing how tortured he was makes me very sad.
Hi Helene! Yes, I think most people in our age group can relate to who Robin was on one or more of the levels I mention. It is sad to think that anyone who was capable of bringing us such joy should be sad himself. ~Kathy
Fantastic insights into the phenomenon, Kathy. Nancy mentioned your post in the comment thread of my post today and I swung by to see your thoughts. Thanks for sharing.
Hey NR! Thank you so much for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts….I’ve been following Nancy for a while so what a surprise to find your page and see that you and I seem to share a lot of the same curiosity and zest for Life! Your article about Robin Williams passing is also illuminating and for anyone who wants to dig deeper into the subject here is the link: http://nrhatch.wordpress.com/2014/08/17/reality-what-a-concept/?blogsub=confirmed#blog_subscription-4
I am so looking forward to catching up with your blog and following in the future. ~Kathy
—-Kathy,
all of this content is so wonderful that it’s hard to pick one, but # 9 is a big one: **Death always triggers our own fears about loss** I believe some of us assume actors & famous people are immune from death. They. Are. Not.
Excellent, as usual. xxx
Hey Kim! Thank you! I know this topic likely brings up different and deep emotions and connections for us all, but I continue to believe that it can be helpful for us all to identify where some of that is coming from and whether or not it helps or hinders us. As I’ve mentioned before in other comments, it certainly helped me to understand all the different tugs that we have when someone famous passes away. And yes, behind it all we learn that we are all human and face many of the same fears and conditions regardless of whether anyone knows our name or not. Thanks as always for your comment. ~Kathy
I loved your approach on this….I think you nailed the universal experience. I enjoyed reading it; I enjoy all of your blogs.
Hi Lisa! Thank you. I greatly admire your blog as well so I really appreciate your encouragement. And yes…let’s all remember to “Say what we need to say today!” ~Kathy
Well, Kathy, I think I’ve said this before, but I think this was your best post I’ve ever read. I really don’t have anything to add to it … it was beautiful. Thanks for sharing what it means to be human and putting a teeny bit of sense to this tragedy. <3
Hey Sarah! Glad you liked this one, but I am continually amazed to see which posts seem to resonate the most with readers. I know that we are supposed to aim our writing to what people seem to want, but I can’t help myself and end up writing about what most catches my own curiosity. Fortunately, some of it seems to click with others 🙂 And yeah, something we ALL share is the human condition. ~Kathy
#3 was it for me too. The past has a strong pull, and the death of someone who played a role in your past brings you right back to that moment. What I’ve found is that my reaction to a person’s death, one from whom I’m fairly removed, like a celebrity, mirrors the way I felt at the time their presence was strongest in my life. It’s guilt (or happiness or anger or jealousy) by association. They end up being like a soundtrack in a movie—listen to the soundtrack when you haven’t seen its corresponding movie and your reaction will be different than if you’d experienced them at the same time.
Hi Kelly! I like that association about how it resembles a “soundtrack” to a movie. You’re right that the memories and the “connection” that we have with a star or other famous person really depends upon where we are mentally at any given time and how we relate. So many people who have battled depression during their lives are particularly struck with memories and connection to Robin Williams in ways that I can’t really comprehend. The important thing (at least to me) is never to deny the feeling of grief, but also to never be afraid to understand why it is happening to the degree that it is. Thanks for your thoughts on this… ~Kathy
I was shocked by Robin Williams’ death because his works have been a huge part of my life. I laughed along with some of the same movies you did, but I keep coming back to Popeye as my favorite comedy but it’s hard to pick one out of all his work. He made my son’s day when serving overseas in a third world country in the War on Terror by doing a USO show there. He expressed his dislike of war but believed the soldiers needed a break from the stresses they faced and did many of them.
When it comes to celebrities there aren’t many whose loss affects me because I am disconnected from most of the entertainment outlets having no television and not liking to go to movies when I see an entertainment magazine I have no idea who most of the people are, but this one loss did hit me more than any other.
Hi Lois! Nice to hear from you! And isn’t it funny–Popeye was only marginal in my opinion so it’s hard for me to relate to that one. But all my research just explained how we connect to famous people, and I find it very interesting to know why. Although Thom wasn’t in Vietnam he definitely appreciated Good Morning Vietnam as one of Robin’s memorable movies for both the comedy AND The sentiment about war that it portrayed. And now that you watch so little TV or read those kind of magazine you are probably safe from getting attached to too many other stars and famous people. Again, there is never anything wrong with grieving I just find it important to look at the “why” of it. ~Kathy
Every day since his death, I’ve remembered another movie I loved him in. Thinking about those movies takes me back to the time in my life when I saw them. I do agree that we tend to overdo it when a celebrity dies or becomes sick – there are so many other things going on in this world that should be getting more attention.
Hi Lana! Yes isn’t it good to know that anyone in our demographic is going to recall much of our lives as we remember him? While I would never tell anyone not to mourn or grieve if they feel that is important to them, I think it is always SMART to be awake and aware of our choice to do just that. Thanks for your comment Lana!
Hi Kathy
This is such a lovely and insightful post. I especially agree with #3 – books, music, movies, celebrities etc. are a connection to our past. Robin Williams entered many of our lives in many ways over the past few decades – he will be missed. Thanks for the quote you shared in the 2nd last paragraph, which I had never heard.
Thanks for stopping by my blog today!
Hi Susan! Thank you…I’m glad you liked what I was able to dig up. I found it helpful myself because it both explains what’s going on as well as why people can feel the way that they do. It doesn’t deny that some of us experience deep grief sometimes when a celebrity dies and explains why that is completely understandable. It mostly reminded me that we all need to find our own way to grieve or not grieve when something like this happens. And yes! Isn’t that the best Robin Williams quote? ~Kathy
Hello Balroop,
While I can appreciate your point-of-view, I have to disagree with your claim about change. Things can only change if we change it ourselves. We may not have known Robin Williams or any other celebrity, but when they appear on screen they bring life to characters that influence or relate to us. We perceive those symbols as being lost when the actor dies because we fear that the memory will die with them. Kings were never mourned for their acts of conquering lands and slaughtering villages, they were mourned by their own people, for showing them mercy and kindness. In the end, the lens through which each of us views the world (or the media chooses to sensationalize) is the one that will appeal to those with the most access.
Hi Elliot! I don’t know if Balroop will be checking back in with the comments so I’ll jump in here too. I agree with you that things can and DO change although it doesn’t always happen as quickly (or as perceivably) as we’d like. While I imagine we will all tend to mourn those aspects of celebrity that we symbolize or identify with, we can hope that makes us more aware of the larger picture of humanity as well. But as you say, what the media sensationalizes is certainly biased. Hopefully we all stay awake an aware to our own personal motivations and drives while staying extremely SMART about what the media is sharing with us as well. Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
Yes, we are all special, whether we’re known to the world or not. We bring joy to those around us the same way Robin Williams brought joy via mass communication. But oh, the joy he brought. Knowing the pain that he was in leading up to his death makes me wish we could go back in time, have a do-over, so that he could be hugged and held, and still with us today.
Hi Laura! Yes isn’t it a good reminder to hug and love every single person who we know that brings light to our world as much as possible? I think it is true that many of us are saddened by the very idea that someone who brought so much good to the world would struggle the way he did. Hopefully that awareness can help us all address the many issues his death has generated. ~Kathy
I think another reason is that it helps us process our more personal losses. I managed to ignore the first Father’s Day after my dad’s death, but when Jack Buck (a father figure for the St. Louis region) died a few weeks later, the collective mourning helped further my grief process for my dad.
Hi Joy! Yes, I agree that it does help us process our own losses. And thank you for sharing that personal story about your grief for you Dad. That’s likely what is happening in a big way when a person takes the “celebrity” death very very hard. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
While I agree with the quoted opinions of all the experts and your own reflections about death, what caught my attention was the hypocrisy that you have hinted at in pointing out how many children die of starvation!
Isn’t it a tragic paradox of human psychology that we still mourn the loss of the famous and the wealthy – the age old phenomenon? And turn a blind eye to the real issues? Nothing ever changes! The ancient practice of mourning the kings has been modernised in the digital world – that is probably the only change! Media also highlights what sells!
Thanks for another angle of celebrity death.
Hi Balroop! Thank you for pointing out that issue about the hypocrisy that celebrity death seems to highlight. I agree it does seem strange but when I realize like the one guy I quoted says, “celebrities are our symbols.” As humans it is far more difficult for us to relate to thousands of people dying every day around the world. Most of us need to put a face to it to be able to relate. And when an actor has been seen over and over again in our living room for years (on the TV of course!) then we see that face much more easily than the thousands that passed away today as well. Until we are able to connect with those faceless victims around the world, I don’t see that changing. And yes, media works it’s perspective in there always to sell us something! ~Kathy
This is a great post, Kathy! I agree that the roots our our obsession with celebrities are deep, and related our social and empathetic needs. Sometimes it can seem bizarre that with so many larger-scale tragedies occurring in the world, we choose to focus on the death of a man who made his living being funny for our entertainment, but when you think about it, it makes complete sense.
Hi Karen! Thank you for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts on this. As the one guy I quote in the article said, “celebrities are symbols” to us all so it does start making sense even though they are one person out of thousands who passed on any given day. Of course that raises the question, who else are the symbols we consider important enough to mourn? ~Kathy
Mental illness and addiction are insidious beasts. RW’s death was a tragedy, and I’m sad that the world has lost his giant spark of madness.
That said, while I was shocked and saddened by the news, and took time to discuss and share my feelings with my husband, I wasn’t compelled to add to the barrage of RIPs on Twitter and Facebook. I do find that phenomenon a little strange — but your article here has helped me understand the psychology behind it a little better. Thanks Kathy.
Hi Nancy! Yes, it is a paradox because I think we are all stunned a bit by the tragedy of his passing. BUT, I was also stunned by the FLOOD of comments on FB and Twitter–and something I didn’t include in the post was the almost competition to be first and to be the most devastated by the news. In some ways social media has made it a contest to see who can spread bad news the quickest and incite the most hysterics. But I didn’t get into that in the post because I’m afraid THAT would have taken me off on a wild tangent 🙂 Maybe that’s my next post??? Thanks for letting share that with at least you! ~Kathy
Robin Williams was special to me with his instantaneous craziness and quick humor for all occasions. While I was in college and found my way to a party somewhere it was common for new acquaintances to say I reminded them of Robin Williams. My friends used to bet how long it would take for someone to say those magic words and it typically was not long! As I often said any comparison to Robin was as good as it gets as far as I was concerned. I will miss what he might have done next but will always have what he did along the way to keep him alive in my mind. Sad story for a wonderful person and truly funny man.
Hi Dave! Because you have related to him so closely for so long I don’t doubt that his passing was much more difficult for you than many others. One thing I read over and over while researching this idea was that there are really so many reasons why people mourn and grieve the passing of both those they know and others in celebrity. The important thing is to be compassionate as much as possible with anyone who is grieving what they feel called to mourn. ~Kathy
Kathy, what a thoughtful post. Robin Williams’s death is a shock, but my husband raised some of the same questions. Why such an outpouring of grief, especially on all the TV channels? You’ve answered his question. The bridge to the past is something I wouldn’t have thought of. With his death, a little of our life goes as well. The associations, the memories. Perhaps, too, because through his art, he was able to touch us so strongly, whether it was to make us laugh in hysterics or weep with him when he played his dramatic roles. In the end, it was more than he could handle.
Hi Diana! Yes that “history” many of us share with Robin is something that affects most baby boomers. I would guess that’s why the passing of older or even younger stars tend to effect others of those generations more deeply because they can identify more with them. And certainly because Robin Williams had such a HUGE body of work he touched us all in so many ways. Thanks for including your thoughts with this. ~Kathy
You bring up a lot of interesting points, Kathy!
First off, I’ve noticed #8 ever since I’ve rejoined Facebook. In fact, sometimes I jokingly call it “Deathbook”! So many posts about who died, and pictures of tombstones. I think death is really a source of fear in our culture, and something people don’t want to look at too closely and don’t really know how to cope with it.
Second, what’s been interesting about Robin Williams’s death in particular are the discussions that have sprung from it. It has been great to see people becoming more aware of depression and other emotional challenges, since, really, we all face them to some degree. And it’s been refreshing to see suicidal thoughts being viewed in a less judgmental light. But it’s also shown how much misunderstanding people have.
For example, there are these posts going around on Facebook saying, “I would stay up all night to talk a friend out of killing themself.” But people need to know that the reality isn’t that pretty or romantic. A good friend being there in a crisis is priceless, but there is more going on than that one difficult night. When someone is drowning, they are going to cling to their “rescuer” for dear life, and it’s easy to get sucked into a difficult situation. I would like to see the discussion turn more toward reality, which means being there with limits and still caring for yourself, and gently encouraging professional help.
Wow, Kathy! Your posts have led me to write LONG responses lately. I guess that means you’ve got my brain going. 😉
Hi Bethany! So glad I got you thinking on this one because you’ve really added in some very important aspects. I do acknowledge that anyone who has experiences with depression and other emotional illnesses would have a MUCH more emotional response to the death of Robin Williams. And how could they not. But I really appreciate how it should just stay in the “isn’t this so sad” department and hopefully can translate into that deeper and more “real” discussion about depression, suicide and all the other aspects to that experience. Thank you again for adding your thoughts to this…and yes, keep thinking! ~Kathy
I have to say that the gushing and mourning I see for celebrities is baffling. I do feel a sense of sorrow at a life lost too young and I feel deeply for the families who must endure the public scrutiny on top of their grief but I can’t really understand the overwhelming outpouring on FB and other places.
I think it’s a little sad when people identify with celebrities so closely–particularly, as you also noted, when right in our own communities there are people dying.
I have the same memories of Robin Williams that you do. I loved his work and thought him a master of comedy–watched The Birdcage just a couple of weeks ago.
Hi Walker! Yes, I had hoped that my post shared my two minds about the experience as well. It is indeed baffling to me that some people can take the experience so deeply. Even when my own parents died I grieved, but never to the extent of one of my sisters. It just isn’t my way of dealing with things–even highly personal or emotional. On the other hand I was saddened to think that I will never have another experience of Robin Williams–which I admired for most of his work. At least my research helped me understand why we all grieve differently and how some people can be much more impacted by a celebrity death than others. ~Kathy