Imagine you’re a taking a late afternoon walk through your favorite woods. The distant chatter of birds and the tranquility of the late slanting sunlight is suddenly disrupted by the appearance of a large black bear. Upon seeing you, the bear raises to his back feet, lets out a roar, and starts eyeing you like a prime rib. What do you do?
When faced with such fear, there are likely four responses. First you run as fast as you can. Second, you freeze, third you faint, or four you try to fight (really?). What you probably won’t do in those first precious moments is to try to figure out when you will write your next blog post or how to resolve that issue with a friend/relative. That’s because when we are deeply stressed, all the blood from our brain drains away. While we might “think” we are thinking, all our energy and brain power is focused on survival. And even though you likely won’t be faced with a bear in the woods anytime soon, anything that triggers fear, anxiety, outrage or loss is reducing our ability to think clearly and react wholeheartedly. An antidote? Refuse to take most things so seriously.
I can hear your objections very clearly right now because I had the same when I first heard it. During the last few weeks, I have continued to read and listen to podcasts by author and speaker Jim Dethmer. In the book he coauthored, The Fifteen Commitments of Conscious Leadership he explains why one of the commitments is “Living a Life of Play and Rest.” At the core of that commitment is the admonition, “Stop taking most things so seriously.” I’m reminded of the quote by Mark Twain that goes something like, “”I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”
“But wait?” I said along with probably every other person who has read the book. “Some things are serious and need to be taken seriously—or that bear will likely eat me!” Dethmer does not fight or resist that response any more than he does with any of the other reactions people have to his work. But he does offer the bear in the woods story and put it all in context with his work around conscious leadership. Yes, it is important to address that bear when faced with an actual bear. However, most of the time our reaction is to take less important things and blow them out of proportion, laser-focus all our attention on them, and try to fix or fight them as fast as possible. Only then, once the issue isn’t so close and personal, that particular issue loses its urgency—and often we can’t remember what seemed so important at all. Of course, even if the problem does stick around remember that anytime we respond out of fear/stress, it will likely not be our best response (remember no blood in the brain?) It also offers a perfect example of living below the line versus living above the line (see previous blog post).
So when faced with something we call “serious,” do we respond below the line with hyper-reactivity and let defensiveness, worry and/or fear cloud our minds? Or, do we do our best to pause, breathe and consider that our seriousness about the issue won’t help? Are we fighting with the experience and trying to force things to go our way? Or can we shift above the line and accept the situation, breathe, trust there is a solution we can live with, and then do our best to be curious about how the issue will be resolved? When it comes down to it, how we respond is either below the line with reaction, judgement and fear, or above the line with trust, openness and curiosity.
If you are anything like me when dealing with a “serious issue”, I don’t usually relax, stay lighthearted and allow my body and mind to relax. Again, I’m not talking about things that need immediate attention and are critically important to us. I’m talking about when something seems enormous and overwhelming and makes us cling to a fix-it, get-er-done attitude where hard work, struggle and seriousness seems to be the best and only way to resolve it. Instead I am suggesting we develop a willingness to allow the situation to unfold easily, effortlessly and within its perfect time. An excellent reminder is Richard Carlson’s book where he says, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…and it’s all small stuff!”
I don’t usually think of myself as too serious of a person. But the more I was able to honestly look at myself, I realized that my willingness to play was frequently conditional. If the situation isn’t too serious, then sure, play is good. But a perfect example (at least for me) popped up last week when I started thinking it was time to write another blog post. While I’m starting to relax into my new schedule of a post every other week or so, I could tell that in the back of my mind it was becoming a concern. “I don’t want anyone to think I’m giving it up, do I? How long is too long between posts? Will people stop reading the blog at all? I’d better sit my butt down and get serious about writing something.” All these thoughts were lurking in the woods of my mind.
Then wham! I’ve been dealing on and off with high blood pressure for about a year now. Unfortunately finding a medication that keeps me well-regulated has proved tricky. Last week I woke up with skyrocketing numbers and ended up going to the ER. Fortunately they confirmed it was only my blood pressure and sent me home. But for anyone who has dealt with the experience, it takes a number of days to calm it down, feel normal, and then find a new medication that works. Okay, so maybe writing that blog post isn’t as serious as I thought.
Then, just when I was starting to feel better, my appointment for my COVID Booster arrived. The doctor approved it and said I should be fine, and I was—until about ten hours after the shot. While definitely uncomfortable for about 24 hours–I survived. Needless to say the blog post was still not happening. But you know what? During that time I also listened to that podcast of Jim Dethmer where he clearly said, “stop taking yourself so seriously!” And I realized that during the last week or so I was adding to the discomfort of my brain and my body by allowing my mind to go back to those reactions of worry and concern about my blog. I was clearly being too serious about something that didn’t need to be serious!
Now I suppose if I need money from my blog to buy food for my children, or I had a life-threatening illness, that would be more of a concern. But I am fortunate that neither are the case. I know not everyone is in that position. But what is important is the growing awareness of what triggers me about being serious. When you think about it, anything that you think is serious usually shows us where around issues where we hold some fear, anxiety and/or lack of control. Instead, if we can shift to being above the line we bring ourselves in the present moment with trust, peace of mind and a willingness to look for and explore a variety of options.
Of course, Dethmer is clear that being below the line isn’t bad—and yes, dealing with certain things right away is critical. Living below the line is often necessary for our survival. But I’ve been noticing that so much of what I call serious and believe to be so is just the story I tell myself about it. When I think about certain topics it is easy to slot them in the category of serious when my story about them appears threatening, scary or uber-important. Think climate change, think COVID deaths, think Kyle Rittenhouse—those are serious issues, right? But it is how I react to them, the story I tell myself about them, and what I feel is my personal responsibility for them that makes them look like big black bears that I alone must fix. When I do that I am reacting from a place of threat and loss. Like with a bear, I am limiting my responses to gut reactions rather than possibility, innovation, hope and collaboration.
So much of what is good about consciousness work is recognizing my own habits or reactions during different circumstances and then deciding if that is the way I want to proceed in the future. It’s not so much about whether I am above the line or below it—it is more about recognizing where I am in the moment, why I’m there, and whether I want to shift to a better perspective to change it. Dethmer and his co-writers are convinced that more light-heartedness, play and rest allow us to access our inner creativity, appreciation and joy when dealing with every circumstance we encounter. As for me, when I stopped making this blog post something serious I had to do, I wrote it in a couple of hours. Remember, the SMART choice is to give yourself a break, refuse to sweat the small stuff and refuse to take ourselves too seriously.
Kathy, I think a major obstacle to happiness and completeness is not being able to get out of our own way at times. Retirement has helped me to see that life goes on, even when my circle of influence has diminished greatly and I am no longer relevant in ways that I used to be. I have learned to embrace that it is ‘all about me’ and that I alone determine my reactions to issues, great or small. I get to choose whether to blow a kiss or flip a bird at the driver who cut me off, or the gal who insulted me in a committee meeting. Reacting seriously to every situation is a joy robber and confines us to a constant state of anxiety.
Your last paragraph summarizes this post beautifully. Isn’t ‘recognizing my own habits and reactions’ the very best we can do? Merry Christmas
Hi Suzanne! Your comment is very wise and helpful to me right now. I’m still riding that roller coaster with my BP and although I once again believe I am making progress…I do my best to remind myself that “I get to make it up” and my responses to anything happening is up to me. One thing we can count on is that Life will continue to offer us opportunities to “recognize our habits and reactions” to what is happening so we might as well learn what we can and stay as lighthearted as we can. That’s certainly my Christmas wish for myself and anyone else who wants to join me. Merry Christmas to you too! ~Kathy
I had a Communications professor back in ’84 say: we are raised in an educational system that beats the child out of us by the age of 8. Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to get that child back. I have never forgotten this statement. I infused humor, fun, laughter in my career even though I worked in the operating room. I would tell my patients that what we do is extremely serious but we don’t have to be serious about it. Patients respond to us being human. Dance in a rain puddle. Catch snowflakes on your tongue. Dance like no one’s watching. Only we can put the child back in our days 🙂
I’m glad you’re on top of your hypertension. It’s a very scary feeling (I’ve had 3 episodes in my life and usually my pressure is closer to 110/68).
Take good care 🙂
Hi Elle! I so need to going dancing right now! I’ve continued riding the roller coaster with my BP these last few weeks and it definitely makes it challenging to not worry and stay lighthearted about it all. But I do feel like I’m finding a more balanced place and also learning to surrender and let go of expectations for the current time. Hopefully that will all aid in the future…and who knows? Maybe my BP can get to where yours is at! ~Kathy
As I’ve gotten older and learned to take things (and myself!) less seriously, I might seem very wise. But actually, a large part of my lightening up is realizing that all the fretting and heavy thinking is just that — heavy. It’s exhausting. One time I had a migraine so bad that I could actually feel the energy that was expended, painfully, just by thinking. That’s right. Thinking itself wastes a LOT of our vital energy, and can actually cause us pain. That made an impression on me! Ha!
I agree with you that with time, we are better able to observe our own patterns and decide what best serves us. Lately, I’ve been exploring the nature of desire, as I’ve been wanting something that I cannot have right now. Watching the effect of that wanting has been very educational. Being with it, without grasping or rejecting it, without trying to repress it or satisfy it or escape from it, has taught me a lot. I like to use the acronym WOW — Watch, Open, Wait. Watch to see what is going on. Open to it without judgment. Wait to see what is revealed.
Great post. Thanks.
Hi Galen. Not sure if you are checking back to see my response to your comment but I do so appreciate it. I have continued to ride the roller-coaster of health these last few weeks and simply surrendered to being in the moment and accepting the “isness” of it all…very much like what you are mentioned you are doing in your comment. Your Taoist approach to life is such a great reminder to me even though it doesn’t come easily to me. And while I also hope that I accept the current situation without judgement (as much as I am able) I’m also continuing to avoid seeing it–or myself too seriously. Like you said, it can be very tiring to worry and stress and make things so heavy. I’d far rather use my energy to allow my body (and soul) to heal. Watch, Open, Wait. Sounds like a good approach to me! ~Kathy
My computer told me you responded–so glad I didn’t miss it. Sorry to hear about your ongoing health challenges. I hope you are still able to enjoy the holidays. I’m looking forward to a fresh new year. I’m going to start the year by getting off all social media for January. I suspect I won’t go back to it. I’m just going to rely on my website/blog. And I’m focused on getting my new book published. So I’m excited about the new year. Good wishes to both of us for a “lighter” 2022!
As with so many things in life, it’s all about the mindset. I can totally relate to your post, Kathy, especially the description of “seriousness” and even the blog reference. We tell ourselves stories about what’s important and this is often related to our routine, priorities, or goals. Or overachievers personalities.
Mark and I are both people who prefer to act immediately when there are issues or problems to solve. My mom told me a long time ago (when we were constantly dealing with Wirie customers and trying to make them happy) that time can be on our side and that letting issues rest for a few days, lessens our anxiety and might actually lead to problems being fixed by themselves.
Anyway, it’s a tough habit to break, but it sure is healthier to take a step back and try and relax more about necessities and potential challenges at hand.
Hi Liesbet! (and happy belated Birthday to you and Plunge!) I appreciate your synopsis by saying, “We tell ourselves stories about what’s important and this is often related to our routine, priorities, or goals. Or overachievers personalities.” So very, very true. And as you say, it is VERY tempting when we see something we think of as a problem to run in blazing! Instead, if we can like the book recommends, sit back, breathe, identify the feelings involved and what our true values/hopes/desires are before proceeding. Easier said than done though huh? And aren’t we fortunate that we have the option (as writers and entrepreneurs) to do that as long as we remember. Thanks as always for the thoughts. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
Great post!
I’ve always liked the saying “None of us are getting out of here alive, so please stop treating yourself like an after thought. Eat the delicious food. Walk in the sunshine. Jump in the ocean. Say the truth you’re carrying in your heart like hidden treasure. Be silly. Be kind. Be weird. There’s no time for anything else.” I think this epitomizes living in the moment and keeping perspective on the world around you.
I agree we’re conditioned to take life more seriously than we should sometimes. And it definitely sucks the joy out of living. I, too, have a tendency to sweat the small stuff thinking I have some sphere of influence over it. However, I do believe I’m getting better at letting it go and just enjoying the ride. Reacting from a place of abundance and happiness allows you to see how things really are not how you perceive them.
I know finding the right medication is trial and error so I hope you’re matched up with the perfect one to get your blood pressure under control. Thanks for sharing!
HI Debbie! Thank you. I need to hear that quote, “none of us are getting out of here alive…” over and over again. Like you said it is easy for us to use our rational mind to the extreme to keep us safe and “control” our world that we don’t realize how we are sacrificing our joy with that constant state of seriousness. I SO agree that letting go, enjoying the ride and “trusting” that we exist in a place of that abundance and happiness you talk about.
And yeah, the medication thing is certainly something to keep on my mind on until I find the exact right mix, but not a reason to give up on the good in my life. Thanks for your thoughts. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy so glad you are taking care of yourself and getting your BP under control. Great article! With retirement I have gained a greater sense of ease. I have never been a serious person but I was a serious grade A worrier. With my life style change the excessive worrying came to a halt. I joined a center for active adults and I am having so much fun. When told I should be more serious I laugh at that bad advice and go play with my friends 🙂 As for the bear, as Snagglepuss would say…exit stage left!
Hi Amanda! Good for you for letting go of a pattern of worry and instead allowing yourself to laugh, play and have fun with your life. And I’m pretty sure I read (or heard) that the authors of the book say that when someone tells you to “be more serious” then they are attempting to get you to do something–their way of course. What I really appreciate about their approach is the freedom it gives us to get back to our natural state of joy. Something tells me you have LOTS of that in abundance. Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
I resonate deeply with this post. It’s not just baby boomers but also people in their 30s and 40s who have been told that productivity is the only way to find self-worth. It is part of our cultural programming to be productive and create the widest influence for good. Accepting that my widest influence for good may in fact and possibly should, in fact, be much much smaller than previously believed is some thing I’ve been wrestling with for a couple of years. I am happily and slowly easing into that reality. It feels good to be reminded that this is my true nature. Not striving or proving or go go go lifestyle. Thanks for that.
Hi Mary! As usual I respect you for being able to know these things about yourself at a relatively early age. Both you and Kevin model such great growth and learning for your family and everyone you come in contact with. Learning to flow with your life and not struggle (and yes have a lighthearted and playful attitude) is sure to increase the quality of your lives in the years to come. Good for you! ~Kathy
Me too! I think I had it once but I’ve lost it over time…
I think that’s true for most of us Janet…what do they say about getting older? It might be the best time to unlearn all the things we’ve learned along the way that no longer serve us.
Kathy – another great post. I tend to not take too much very seriously anymore – after years of being in survival mode, we’ve fortunately had a spell in thriving mode. It makes all the difference in the world! That said, I’ve been “earnestly” (from Anne’s comment above) looking for a shift in my professional life – and a business coach I’ve been working with has been encouraging me to “have fun,” “be curious” — not be so serious…so a good reminder. Thanks!
Hi Janet! Glad you liked the post. I agree with you and Ann about approaching the world “earnestly.” I’m guessing more people find that word easier to label themselves with rather than “serious.” Maybe it is because earnestness is defined as “sincere with intense conviction” and that sort of makes it sound more admirable than seriousness? Good for your coach encouraging you to relax a bit and and try to have some fun. As the authors of the book point out, the more we can learn that playful curiosity that children have in abundance the better. I’m working on it! ~Kathy
Wouldn’t it be nice if our future self could send us a text message to let us know that thing we’re worried about right now really wasn’t a big deal after all? Would we listen? Good luck finding the right BP medication!
Hi Annie! Awww…now wouldn’t that make a wonderful app for our iphone? Having our future self give us a few tips would be wonderful…including when we take ourselves too seriously. But like you say, would we listen if we knew???? I would definitely listen if it could tell me what the perfect medication was for me! :-). ~Kathy
I’m always happy to see a post from you but also happy to see you pull back from your self-imposed schedule. Feels good, doesn’t it?
Good to know that you were able to get your BP under semi-control. I, on the other had, have such low BP I sometimes get dizzy just standing up. I wish I had a secret to share with you but I imagine it’s just our genetic makeup. I also had a yucky reaction to my booster shot but it was over after about a day-and-a-half so not that much to sacrifice to have greater protection.
Hi Janis! Yes, the BP is still a work in progress but I refuse to make it more serious than it needs to be. And yes, I have family history with it so I just want to get it under control before it does become serious. I DO wish we could share. And I completely agree with you about the booster. Definitely worth it. ~Kathy
I have heard people call Baby Boomers “earnest” and when I look around at my friends I go “un huh”. So your seriousness might not be about you! Or as I often say.. “It’s not about me”. Sorry you can’t own this. Maybe you could write a blog about earnest-ness and why we are all so earnest. I think it goes back to the Depression and our parents threating us to eat everything on the plate or other versions of this.
Hi Ann! I sort of think earnest and serious are VERY closely related down you? And yes, the authors of the book are convinced that much of our perspective on that comes from how we were raised and our culture itself. And oh yes, I’m sure the depression had something to do with it too! But especially here in the U.S. that need to be constantly doing, doing, doing is pretty epidemic. I was happy to see books and teachers like this one that are attempting to rewrite that old script. And truly, I’d rather NOT think of my self as too serious so this book was “all about me!!!!” 🙂 ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – i am sorry to read about your high bp and hope that you are feeling well now. I agree that most of us can blow small things out of proportion and let them cloud our thinking and unnecessarily increase our anxiety Great reminder and well-written post
Hi Donna! Thank you. And I’m doing pretty well with the BP although still a work in progress. I’m doing my best to stay above the line with it and see it with a willingness to learn and grow…AND to trust that there is a good solution for me. It’s definitely an ongoing “workshop” in learning to not take it TOO seriously! Thanks for your thoughts. ~Kathy
Well, can’t you be a serious person, yet still approach things with a sense of humor? Personally, in looking at my own life, I find that I don’t seem to sweat the big stuff, but I let the small things get to me — mostly because I think I can do something about the small stuff. But seriously, take care of yourself, don’t let the high blood pressure get out of hand.
Hi Tom! I think it all depends on how you define “a serious person” don’t you? And is it possible that we think “serious” is far, far better to be than trusting, curious and open? I think our culture sort of conditions us to think being serious is so much better to get us to work harder, do what we are supposed to do and not slack off. What do you think?
And I would also say there is sometimes a fine line between being above the line and below the line. I agree that sometimes those small issues can get under our skin and seem so much more bothersome. One for me is traffic. Not sure why but I tend to take it VERY personally and get righteous when someone doesn’t follow driving rules or races around unsafely. But with the bigger things like my blood pressure I’m able to put it in an “important” category that needs my attention–but I’m able to be a bit more philosophical about it–and honestly believe I will figure it out. But as I confessed, my blogging has been far too serious for me in the past so that is where my work is today.
~Kathy
P.S. I’ve always appreciated your sense of humor. I wish I could include more of that in my writing!