Is it better to feel marvelous or look marvelous?
Last weekend I decided to treat myself to a bit of relaxation by reading one of my magazines. As usual, I flipped through the slick front pages of glamorous women wearing designer clothes, ads promising hot sex and love by simply using certain cosmetics, and a list of the “Best of the Best” showcasing uber-expensive items the magazine believes we “must have.” Digging deeper to find something beyond the frivolous, I spotted, “Slow Anti-Aging ~ The New Secret To Looking Your Best.” Unfortunately, instead of offering advice on how to live well and happy no matter what your age, the entire article focused on expensive treatments that slow the effects of getting older while fooling others into thinking you come by it naturally. What? Is that even possible?
Before I go too far, I should confirm what you’ve already guessed—I am a low-maintenance kind of woman. I wear minimal makeup, grudgingly buy a few creams for my skin, wear only one or two pieces of jewelry and avoid nearly everything with a designer label. Instead, given the choice I spend my excess money on travel, learning experiences, fun and a few causes I support. Fortunately, my husband Thom not only likes me this way, but he’s also the same. Rightsizing comes naturally to us because we both prefer quality experiences over stuff.
With that kind of a personality, it’s no wonder that when I came to the end of the magazine article about slow aging, I almost choked. Apparently such treatments range in cost every year from around $4,500 for the bare minimum, to up to over $20,000 for the all-inclusive treatment. They recommend you start in your mid-30’s for maximum effect, and then every single year for the rest of your life! That could add up to the potential amount of $500,000 over the next 40 years. And guess what? You’re still going to die! So even if you achieve the goal of such a practice, and fool your “friends and colleagues” into not noticing the subtle differences provided by your youth treatments, it completely ignores the far more relevant question of whether or not that makes you happy.
Another article that I read over a year ago caused the same intake of breath as this one. That previous article cited a study done by the National Center For Health Statistics (NCHS) claiming that one out of every four women in mid-age takes antidepressant medication. In fact, women take twice as many antidepressants as men. And that slow aging article might be a big part of the cause. After all, if women convince themselves that spending enormous amounts of money to try to look younger, all the while tricking others into not knowing they had work done, the stress of that pressure could be overwhelming.
Does anyone remember a skit on Saturday Night Live back in the 1980’s done by Billy Crystal called, “Fernando’s Hideaway”? Regardless of who Fernando was interviewing in the skit, he would always say, “You look marvelous!” And that was usually followed by, “As we all know, it is better to look marvelous than feel marvelous.” Everyone I knew used to mimic that skit because what made it so hilarious, besides Billy Crystal’s acting, was how it pointed out the obvious mistake of grasping for superficial appearances, rather than authenticity. What I think we need to ask ourselves is, “How often do I make choices to look good, and completely ignore the far more important practices that allow me to feel good from the inside out?”
For several years now I have listened to talks and read the work of Esther Hicks and Abraham. Regardless of what you think of Law Of Attraction (LOA) or the origin of the material, I find it helpful that a focus of the work urges us all to make choices that feel good deep inside. Regrettably, according to Abraham, most of us are completely out of touch with our real feelings, and we’ve become trained to do whatever other people, our culture or background requires.
In fact, LOA teaches us that anyone or any institution that tries to get us to forgo our happiness is just attempting to manipulate and control us into sacrificing our feelings for their purposes. Is it possible that when we continue to pretend that our lives are perfectly fine when they are not, or force ourselves to maintain an image of looking good at any cost, those actions end up making us miserably unhappy? With that kind of unconscious focus, it is no wonder so many women are on medication.
Of course, some women out there might be telling themselves, “I couldn’t possibly feel good if I don’t look good.” Really? As Abraham says in LOA, “Your life is supposed to feel good to you.” Abraham continues with, “Someone who takes the time to understand their relationship with Source, who actively seeks alignment with their broader perspective, who deliberately finds alignment with who-they-really-are, is more charismatic, more attractive, more effective, and more powerful than a group of millions who have not achieved this alignment.”
Abraham is convinced that we can control the way we feel by controlling our thoughts. Instead of allowing outside circumstances to trigger responses in us and make us happy or not, we can put our time, attention and resources on what we can effect inside. As Abraham explains, “No one else knows your reason for being. You do. Your bliss guides you to it. When you follow your bliss, when you follow your path to joy, your conversation is of joy, your feelings are of joy—you’re on the right path.”
I know that when I’m in alignment with what I believe to be my passion and purpose here on the planet, I am happy. I also know that when I’m learning something new or passionately talking with friends about a new curiosity, I’m joyful. I realize that sometimes life hands us difficult circumstances, and painful things happen to us all. But I’m convinced that the path to wellbeing is not trying to force my face or my body into denying my age. I also can’t imagine that my journey to happiness is indicative of whether or not I fool other people into believing I’m young, that I’ve got it all together, or that I’m a success according to other people’s definitions. Instead, surely the SMART path is to take the time to find what bring each of us true joy and contentment. Once there, we will never again sacrifice feeling good for merely looking good—no matter what!
I love this! Whenever I feel good I always think I look better. For me it’s all about looking after myself: exercise, nutrition, sleep, etc. I’m far more concerned about how comfortable I feel within myself. When I feel great, I look at myself in a different way. No treatments have or ever will be able do this for me. They’re not the answer, if you ask me.
This is a well written article. I totally agree that today’s society, a lot of people judged base on looks. It is sad that this cause more people to feel insecure. Sometimes prone to bullying. 🙁
Hi Thea! Glad you liked it. Always important to remember that real beauty (at least to most of us!) comes from a happy heart! ~Kathy
Lovely article! Such blogs give me a reason to come back every week and read it. Thank you for sharing this. I completely agree that the society really does judge on looks. And this only adds on to people specially women on their insecurities about looks. Hence, they opt for anti-aging creams or treatments.
Nice to be here Kathy, and enjoyed reading this post; the multinational company’s are making a lot of money in manipulating especially women to believe that they can remain eternally young. unfortunately many of them are becoming victims to buy these ideas. True beauty comes when we love, accept and forgive ourselves all the time. I like the way you have written that ultimately all of us have to die no matter what 🙂 thanks for this interesting post and appreciate you for sharing !!
Hi G Angela! First off congratulations on completing 5 years as a counselor. It’s nice to know that people with your compassion and thoughtfulness are helping others feel better about their lives. And yes, feeling better about our lives usually comes from loving, accepting and forgiving ourselves. Thank you so much for adding to this conversation. ~Kathy
I am so glad most of my friends are aging gracefully and beautifully. None have felt the need to do anything surgically which rarely looks normal. I love eye creams and face creams, lipstick and mascara…but I also have zero problem with my friends who find makeup annoying. It is wonderful to be women of a certain age who know who they are, and feel great about it
Hi Donna! Thank you for pointing out that some women do love to work with cosmetics in a big way. My younger sister Lori does and it proves that it’s not genetic! I just hope to point out that as long as you are doing it for yourself, and not to win approval or feel you must because of outside pressure, then go right ahead. Of course I think it also needs to be balanced with what a person can afford as well. And as you say, knowing who you are and feeling good about it is a very SMART way to live. ~Kathy
The pressure to look younger and beautiful in the eyes of society…I’m happy in my own skin, just like you. I don’t wear makeup hardly ever and love my blue jeans. I think when we feel great, we look great. And…for the people who matter, they think we look great too.
Hi Jennifer! Thanks for checking in with this and letting me know that you are happy doing what feels good to you. I hope everyone understands that I’m not anti-looking good. I’m just far more pro-feeling good! And you are right, the people who love us for who we are rather than what we look like feel the same. ~Kathy
Kathy, I read this with the two conflicting messages I received when young. The first was to be frugal but the other was to never open the door of my home without looking perfect, a result of studying cosmetology where we sold an image by how we looked.
As a result I never wore designer clothes and didn’t have a closet full of shoes etc. But it took until my 30s before I realized how ridiculous the image part of the message was. It happened one day when I had been out of the work force for a while staying home to work and home school my children. I needed to go to the store for groceries and told the boys I just had to do my hair and face first. My oldest asked me who I was trying to impress. I froze in my tracks and realized he was right. I went to the store without makeup for the first time in my life. It was an uncomfortable experience. I kept looking around expecting someone to look at me with disgust but no one did. I decided that I needed to be more authentic from that day forward and stopped wearing make up, a few years later I stopped dyeing my hair and embraced the gray. It’s taught me a freedom I didn’t know.
So to answer your question, it’s better to feel good than to look good and there is no way I would ever spend money on anti-aging surgeries or creams. It’s time women were appreciated as they age. Men are considered distinguished as they age, we need to get the same respect.
Hi Lois! As usual you have added such a great personal example to my post. I know that we all have different personalities and that some women actually seem to enjoy all the time and effort that goes into looking perfect–but I’ve never been one. While I agree that it’s nice to look my best as much as possible, the key phrase for me is “my best.” That’s not an impossible best, or a “if you just spend this amount of money best” –or the worst of all, “the best that the media wants you to think is absolutely necessary for a happy life.” I strive for the best I can offer when I wake up happy looking forward to another day on planet Earth. Something tells me you are much the same. And as you point out, the freedom that comes from that is very soul-satisfying. Hopefully bloggers like us can let those looking for change find the courage to be themselves. ~Kathy
Kathy, you made me laugh out loud, first with “you’re still going to die” and then with your reminder of that Saturday Night Live skit routine.
Like you, I keep make up and all that guck to a minimum. When I have to wear something, both me and my husband are quite happy when I can take it off and ‘get back to myself’. There are many better ways to spend our money, in our view of things.
I haven’t looked at a glossy magazine in a long time, so I imagine it would hit me the same way. It’s sad to think that people believe anti-aging is about how you look. Really, what’s inside is reflected outside; it’s so much simpler than “they” would like us to believe.
BTW – having seen you via Skype, I can say this wholeheartedly: “You look marvelous!”
Hi T.O. Hahahahaha! Yes, now that we’ve chatted on SKYPE I can say the same about you TO! But even better, from what I can tell we are both feeling marvelous too! So great to find others who just can’t get that excited about buying a lot of stuff that I’m not convinced makes that big a difference — OR that won’t turn out to be fun or interesting. It was wonderful talking with you last week and I am so looking forward to meeting you in person in April. Now THAT will be something marvelous for sure! ~Kathy
Oops! I forgot something.
I’ve suffered from insomnia a pretty long time, and not even sleeping pills made me sleep, so I can definitely say it’s better to feel good than to look good. Yoga, meditation and a healthy diet is doing that to me now.
Hi Gosina. Good add….I’ve already written you a book in response to your other post so I’ll just say thanks again–you are so right! ~Kathy
Happy Valentine’s Day, Kathy!
Wonderful article. It seems that the beauty madness is all over the place. I used to spend a lot of money on cosmetics for my skin and hair. Today, I use olive oil for almost everything, and I stay away from beauty and fashion magazines. I still spend way too much money on things I don’t really need but I am working on it. 🙂
P.S.: Yesterday I downloaded your new book and I am enjoying it right now. I heard this expression the other day: ‘Abundance is too much – I’m downsizing my life.’ Rightsizing sounds soo much better and more positive. Sending you all the best from Germany! Rock the day! 🙂
Hi Gosina! Happy Valentine’s Day to you too. I guess this issue about spending gobs of money on product in the pursuit of happiness is a “developed world problem” so in that I’m not surprised to see that Germany is similar. Again, I’m not against spending money on things that are life enhancing to us individually, but I’ve witnessed far too many people who do it unconsciously. We have a friend who is always whining about money but then went out and leased a very expensive vehicle because he just wanted and needed to feel good about himself. Now a few months later he admitted to Thom that the “newness” is wearing off and now he is stuck with $500/month car payments. That kind of disappointment can be avoided if we all take the time to discover what it is we REALLY hope to accomplish with our purchases–be they things to look young, feel young or just feel better. And I think I read the same comment somewhere too about abundance being “too much.” But what I’ve discovered is that it isn’t abundance that is the problem, it’s where we look for it. Abundance in love, in happiness, in well being is always welcome in my life and I’ll bet yours as well. Everything else we can rightsize! And THANK YOU so much for ordering the book. Please, please let me know what your thoughts are about it once you’ve finished. ~Kathy
To tell the truth I used to pay more attention to to look good. I did workouts that I hated and it was almost always painful to start training. Moreover, I didn’t eat things that i had enjoyed so much, and I’m not talking about junk.
About two years ago, I changed my mind and I throw away my old workout routine, and I started boxing and calisthenics instead of pumping iron. It was such a great decision, I may not look so good but I love every minute of my training and I feel myself much better now.
Hi James! Welcome to SMART Living and thanks for adding your thoughts–especially from a male perspective. You are so right that if you do anything–exercise included in a way that others tell you is the “solution” to your issues, then you will likely find it to be an uphill battle. So much better to find a way that works for you and makes you FEEL GOOD about yourself, right? ~Kathy
I can’t imagine spending huge amounts of money on some beauty treatments. The only thing I do is highlight my hair twice a year, and that is mostly because it blends in the blond and gray. I’m with you, I would rather have vacations and experiences that spend my money trying to attain some artificial understanding of beauty.
Hi Kathy I think as we age we can still take care of ourselves but I agree a minimalist look is much better than trying to wear too much makeup. I respect people who want to have cosmetic surgery because if it makes them feel good then go for it. Personally, I believe if you are healthy, eating healthy options and exercising you look good because you feel good inside. Thanks for sharing your post which I saw at Midlife Bloggers Facebook page.
Hi Sue! I agree that everyone should have the option to live life in a way that is “life enhancing” for them but I constantly see people (at least on TV and where I live) trying to live up to other people’s guidelines and expectations. Sort of like “keeping up with the Jones” except from a youth and physical perspective. My biggest mission is to get people to realize our choices and then as long as we willing, able and consciously know why we want to do something and agree to the psychic and financial costs, then go right ahead. From my perspective, a person who is happy on the inside ALWAYS looks better than an unhappy person who might look physically stunning on the outside. Thank you so much for adding to this conversation. ~Kathy
I do care about how I look and yet my writing and my relationships come first in my life and always have. Ironically, another comment chain today was to define the word frumpy. I basically believe that we should all strive to be neat and tidy people–that’s not so hard. And I do regret that our society features and airbrushes images that ARE NOT ATTAINABLE. If you LIVE your life stuff happens. None of us are perfect when we enter the world and certainly won’t be when we leave it. LIVING works on us.
Hi Beth! Thank you for expressing this very well. I agree that taking care of ourselves and presenting ourselves is a good thing. When that desire comes from a place of wanting to be the best we can, and from feeling proud of ourselves, we naturally dress to suit our tastes and share our best selves to the world, both from an attitude place and from a physical place. But, as you say, “living works on us.” So doesn’t it make sense that we should celebrate the uniqueness of our lives including the variety of our looks instead of trying to homogenize ourselves into all looking the same “young” person? ~Kathy
I couldn’t agree with this more! I recently moved to Denver from Vermont and the focus on external beauty is so much stronger here. Even my dentist offers Botox. Why do we want to erase the laugh lines that show a life well lived?
Hi Anna! I do think that some areas of the country are different than others…just like different areas of the world are different. But we women in the U.S. are constantly being told by the media that we can and SHOULD try to look as young as possible in order to feel good and/or find happiness. I think the advertisers play on our desire for happiness and confuse us into believing all that external manipulation is all that is necessary. I need to remind myself (and anyone else who is listening) that when we are happy on the inside most of that outside stuff will take care of itself. AND I have never heard of a dentist who also does botox!!!! Maybe I’ve just never noticed before???? ~Kathy
I’m with you as far as the minimalist look goes. I say that as I look at my fingernails and toenails that could use painting and can’t remember if I brushed my hair today. Most of the time, I do think that feeling good is more important than looking good. Now when my honey takes me out on Valentine’s Day, I will be all about looking good. But sometimes when I go all out, looking good makes me feel good so it’s a win-win. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Hi Rev! I definitely agree that when I go out I also try to look my best with what I have. I think we all do. But I live in an area of Southern California where women routinely spend enormous amounts of money on clothing, jewelry and nipping and tucking their bodies. And as far as I can tell it doen’t stop the inevitable. In fact, some of them stand out for looking someone tragic. If a person has so much money that they don’t know what to do with it, I”m not against spending it and enjoying their purchases. I just want us all to think about what we spend our money on and deciding from there. Oh, and have an AWESOME Valentine’s Day. I’ll bet you will be beautiful to your honey no matter what! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy!
I think it’s a shame when women (and men) pin their happiness on achievement of a physical outcome. i.e. “My nose is the only thing I don’t like about myself. If I get my nose fixed, I’ll be happy.” or “When I lose 40 lbs, I’ll feel so much more confident, and then I’ll be happy.” or “I’m single because I look old. If I get a facelift, I’ll get a boyfriend, and then I’ll be happy.” Happiness comes from the inside as you often point out in your writing, and it’s really sad when people thing an outside change will drive inner peace or fulfillment. (Hence the crazy stats about anti-depressants…)
Personally, I try not to judge (too much) people’s choices around getting ‘work done’ because it is their choice. If it floats their boat, and gives them a little ego boost or more pep in their step (and they can easily afford it), then more power to them. Not for me to judge. However, when it’s an avalanche of procedures because you a) got the nose job and you still aren’t happy; then b) lost the 40lbs and you still aren’t happy; then c) had the face lift, and you still aren’t happy…well then that’s a psychological issue that probably needs some deeper focus…
Hi Nancy! I actually agree with you that if you have the money and you really, really want to spend the money to make your body different then you should go right ahead. I just wonder what the real motivation is– especially when putting other needs behind it. I love how Abraham-Hicks says repeatedly that, “everything we do is because we think it will make us happier.” The problem of course is that many of us are very delusional about what will really make us happy. If we just take the time to figure that out, we can actually experience the happiness we seek AND likely save ourselves a lot of money!!! I try to remind myself every day that “happiness” is the best thing I could possibly put on to make me look best. Thanks for adding to the conversation! ~Kathy
Great article. Isn’t it amazing how the media loves to push all these things that we simply MUST have. I’m also enjoying your book, Rightsizing, and agreeing that it is so much easier to do without all the fluff!
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1517467020?keywords=rightsizing%20by%20Kathy%20Gottberg&qid=1454685083&ref_=sr_1_1&sr=8-1
Hi Nora! So glad to hear you’re liking my rightsizing book. And yes, the message to simplify and focus on what’s important is a big theme for me in just about everything I write about. I think once we begin the journey to rightsizing we see it everywhere! ~Kathy
You always make me laugh, Kathy–I just love the inherent humor in your voice! I laughed out loud about the cosmetic procedures, especially, “And guess what? You’re still going to die!” Great way to start my morning!
While I still like to look cute, my expendable income goes to the dogs. Literally. 🙂
But more importantly, I’m not at all surprised you are an Abraham student! I just love the LOA work. And as you’re saying, really feeling good is a deep process. And changes your life. And, takes persistence.
Thank you for this!
Hi Susan! THANK YOU! I don’t usually think I write in a very humorously way so I consider your comment a compliment. And I guess if I’m honest a lot of my humor is sarcasm and sometimes I can’t help myself. And so nice to find another writer who appreciates Abraham. I’m not sure why I’ve really gotten into him/her/them in the last couple of years. I’ve studied lots of different religions and philosophies, but something about the way it is expressed as ABraham really resonates with me. As both a woman and a writer I think I’ve become more resilient and courageous because I listen to their talks regularly. THAT is a good thing. ~Kathy
The humor is inherent in your voice, Kathy, and I just love it! It just speaks to who you are–who is someone I’d love to sit down and laugh with 🙂
Abraham always makes me laugh too!