I woke up in the middle of the night last night and guilt was on my mind. My primary focus was guilt for not writing another blog post in weeks. Guilt about being unproductive. Guilt that doubted my value if I wasn’t doing what I feel is important to me. Guilt about my inherent worth as a human being. Ugh—that rabbit hole can be nasty! Fortunately, I am a good enough meditator that I was able to put those thoughts aside and go back to sleep. But unfortunately, they were still on my mind this morning. And because I suspect I’m not the only one who feels the nagging pull of guilt at least once in a while, I decided to write down some of the thoughts I’ve been able to explore as the morning progressed.
To start with I think many of you know I love to travel—especially during the summer. But guilt is not usually on the agenda. While Thom and I are pretty much sticking to one new location every month this year, there is still so much to see and explore that I’ve been distracted. Right now, we are staying in the beach town of Ventura, CA about a block from the ocean. Besides taking great walks, exploring the town and riding our e-bikes, it seems like something is always going on. Who has time to write?
On the other hand, because my blog is over twelve years old now it is frequently on my mind. I do check it regularly to make sure it is running okay and monitor if I need to update any plugins or answer comments on older posts. But because I’ve given myself permission to back away in the last year or two (I used to do a blog post every single week) I vowed to myself to only write if I had something worthwhile to say and the time to write it. So far so good, right?
Sadly, my guilt trip found a side door and started chattering away. It asked: If I don’t have something worthwhile to say (or write about!) does that lower my value and worth? If I can’t find interesting and provocative things to share with my readers, does that mean my mind has turned to mush? If I’m not writing does that mean I’ve lost my purpose? If I don’t do what others expect or want from me, does that diminish their love? Guilt is a bit like a worm that starts out small but can work its way into our thinking in all sorts of insidious ways if we aren’t watching out for it.
The thing is, I know that I (and anyone reading this) are so much more than what we “do”. I belong to the camp that says every person on the planet is a special and unique manifestation of the Universe, (or if you like your words to be a bit more Biblical, “A holy loving child of God.”) I tend to believe as Matthew Fox (and others) teach, that we were each born as “Original Blessings.” None of us need justify our existence. Of course we must accept responsibility for the choices we make and where they lead—but we are enough just as we are. Our value and worth as a living being (along with all other living beings and the planet herself) just Is.
So why do I (we) have a need to feel productive? Where does productivity shame come from? A big part of the reason is because we have been conditioned to do it. I’m not talking about the desire to create and contribute—I’m talking about that constant push to do more, be more, have more that is so prevalent in our culture. I’m referring to that unconscious drive to look busy even if we aren’t really doing something that important or in line with our highest intentions. Is it too bold to say that sometimes we run around doing productive things out of habit? Worse yet—are we afraid of being judged harshly if we aren’t?
At my age and place in life I am very fortunate that I don’t have to write blog posts to grind out a living—OR—to prove anything to anybody. But apparently that doesn’t necessarily stop the guilt train from showing up now and then to tell me I should. The good news is, there are things we can do if we want to get off that hamster wheel and get back to creating and expressing only if and when our hearts and minds guide us to do it.
Here are a few things that seem to help:
- Acknowledge the guilt if or when it shows up. Talk about it. Write about it. Shine the light on it and amazingly much of it will go away. Similar to the emotion of shame, guilt thrives on secrecy. Get it out and let go of any false messages it is trying to share.
- Pay attention to your self talk. Our inner critic loves to criticize us into feeling bad about something we either did or didn’t do. Fortunately, the more aware we are of those inner voices and how they are often not in our best interests, the more we can work to either eliminate them or change them to being supportive.
- Analyze if there is something you did or didn’t do that was a valid problem. Guilt can be helpful if it allows us to recognize and help with any behavior or situation we really want to improve. Then if action is required, the key is to take it—not just continue to ruminate on it and perpetuate the guilt.
- Be clear about your boundaries. When we take the time to establish what is important to us, it is much easier to know if what we are doing (or not doing) is in our best and highest interests. If there is something that truly needs to be done and we have the ability, time (and responsibility for it)—then do it. If not, let it go.
- Know what you can control and what you can’t. Sometimes we take on responsibility or obligation from others that is best left to them alone. Do what is ours to do and let the others go.
- Do what you can and are guided to do but never forget you are enough just being who you are.
While I’m sure there are more steps that could help us overcome guilt and/or productivity shame, these helped me this morning. Just by listening to me process during our walk, Thom gave me the space to share what was going on in my head. By the time we returned home, the guilt was gone. That’s also when I realized I probably wasn’t the only one who had this kind of “trip” showing up now and then—so this blog post popped out wanting to be written. (Funny how that works!) So with those thoughts, regardless of whatever travels you have planned this summer, it might be SMART to avoid any and all guilt trips along the way.
Hi Kathy,
I like the term “productivity shame”. It’s a real thing with the North American culture and, yes we’re conditioned that way. We’re told to always do more, strive for more and never slow down. I think this is where such high levels of stress come from for some.
And I couldn’t agree more “our value and worth as a living being just is”. We don’t have to be constantly producing something. I know what you mean about suffering from “guilt” for not producing. With summer being so short and so many things to do and see, it’s hard to focus on sitting in front of a computer LOL.
I think this is why Portugal is so appealing for us. Their philosophies are much different and more people centric than material/work centric. To me, there’s more acceptance of people just “being” not having to justify our existence.
Thanks for a thoughtful article and some great things to keep in mind!
Hi Debbie! I would love to say that I’ve completely let go of that guilt or shame related to not writing more–but I’m getting there. Right now Thom and I are in Mexico and just like you say about Portugal, the vibe here has very little to do with “working” or productivity. So I guess you could say I’m embracing that vibe—hahahaha! One reason (besides the culture itself) is that where we are are a lot of expats who have the free time to get together to socialize, read, learn new things and genuinely enjoy life. It’s REALLY easy for me to slip into these days. I recently took up line dancing which is WAY harder than I thought it would be…working and coordinating my brain and my feet is challenging. (and yes it is fun too!). May Portugal be everything you hope it will be as well. ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – You are definitely not alone with guilt – especially about productivity. I share this too. But I am getting better with this — work in progress!
Thank you so much for these tips. They are excellent!
Hey Donna! I tend to think we are ALL works in progress my friend. Of course from where I sit you are incredibly productive…but isn’t that the way it is. From the outside it might look one way but only “we” know inside how it feels. The good news is that it seems to be getting better and better as we age. I don’t know about you but I’m thinking by the time I’m 90 I won’t care a bit about productivity!!! ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – I sure hope that you are right about that 90s thing. That will give me something else to look forward to! 🙂
Donna you have good genes in your family! I don’t doubt it at all. 🙂
Here’s one of my guilt trips…not commenting on posts when I read them! I came back in here because of that guilt. LOL. I enjoyed your thinking here and really needed to hear the bits about “is it your responsibility” but I don’t usually feel guilty about not posting. If I don’t have something ready to say, I don’t force myself to write. So I felt like I had nothing to contribute… them, guilt trip! And yeah, now thinking I need to go back to 3 other posts I read this afternoon and didn’t comment on….sigh.
Hi Pat! Did you notice how I didn’t respond immediately to your comment. Even though your comment made my productivity urge trigger–I was busy and resisted it! I also planned to go to YOUR blog and leave a comment when I did…so I feel quite accomplished. Hahaha…isn’t the productivity drive interesting? Just by not responding (according to plan) I did exactly that! Ah well. As I readily admit, I am a work in progress. Baby steps, right? May we both get to that point where we hope to be someday…~Kathy
We put such pressure on ourselves, don’t we, subjecting ourselves to self imposed expectations and then judging ourselves when we fall short. We might take a lesson from nature. Nature embraces cycles of seasons, for example, seasons of production and seasons of rest. Farmers allow fields to lie fallow to keep up overall productivity. Some animals hibernate, or at least slow down at certain times of the year. And when I say “we” I mean those of us in a certain culture that values constant work. That is not universal in the human realm. And it’s not healthy as so many studies show.
So good for you for freeing yourself from your guilt trip — loved that connection to your travels, by the way.
Hi Galen, Thank you for putting such a lovely nature inspired “spin” on this idea of slowing down and resting rather than push, push, push. I think I and most of us KNOW this but if we aren’t careful (and mindful!) then we slowly get caught up in it over and over. Sort of like the frog in a pot of hot water that very gradually gets warmer and warmer if we don’t notice. When I’m exploring (i.e. traveling) I can get distracted and that’s obviously when it happens a lot for me. I might be a slow learner but as long as I can see a bit of progress I’m sticking to it. ~Kathy
And I’m sure publishing this post took care of some of that “unproductivity shame” as well! 🙂
I can so relate to this post, Kathy. Like you, I “need” to be productive to feel worthwhile, even though I don’t “have” to be productive. And, I feel guilty when I’m not productive (or doing more) and when I’m behind with my blog and other tasks, which is constantly the case.
Our life is super busy as it is. Yet, I have those tasks in my head that I want to keep on top off – have an “empty” inbox (replying to all emails, reading all the blogs that arrive, leave comments to those blogs), keep blogging once a week, reply to all Facebook comments (of course, the more I post in these forms, the more work I create with replies), keep up to date with my diary, and, work on translation assignments or other job opportunities when they arrive. All this on top of my nomadic lifestyle and keeping all that running smoothly.
So, it’s no surprise that I’m never caught up, which only keeps the guilt and feeling of not being productive enough alive. It’s a vicious circle. One that I create myself. Weird how that goes… Some days, I manage it all better – mentally – than others. 🙂
Hi Liesbet! I feel your pain. Is that a cultural thing from Belgium or just the way your personality works? I do think that like many traits we have there is a beneficial side and a less ?? side. For example, I’m guessing your productivity guilt helps to keep you motivated because you do amaze me with all your blog posts…in spite of the fact that you are constantly living on the road and on adventures. That’s a good thing right? But the penalty is that guilt if you aren’t living up to you intentions. The goal of course (at least for me) is to keep it all balanced. Plus when I was younger I didn’t mind it so much. But now that I’m at this age, it seems like it is “it running me instead of me choosing it” if you know what I mean. Maybe that will happen for you? Maybe not. May we all find what works best for us and rest there! ~Kathy
I’m sure it’s a personality thing (of the A-type and overachieving kind :)) and not a cultural thing. And you are right that there are pros and cons to this kind of personality and productivity guilt. Things get done (and that makes me feel good), but sometimes it is indeed like you state, that “it is running me instead of me being in charge.” As always, finding a balance is the solution. One day, I will get there! 🙂
I would be interested in hearing more about the places you chose to stay for one month intervals and how you decided where to go and your means of finding accommodations. This sounds very appealing! Another interesting post and ideas to consider! Thank you!
Hi Kathy! Welcome to SMART Living. I’ve written a LOT about our travels in the last 12 years so feel free to use the search line and type in “travel” or related items like Airbnb to find them. Here’s at least one that might get you started, Kathy’s SMART & Sometimes Frugal Travel Tips. I hope that helps! And most importantly–make it fun! ~Kathy
“Analyze if there is something you did or didn’t do..
Know what you can control and what you can’t.”
Good suggestions Kathy as always.
Hi Gary! Thank you. I always appreciate your words of encouragement. ~Kathy
I am a tiny bit sad to decline playing bridge with my brother on an on line bridge app that sucks. I am happy that I didn’t spend time trying to convince him the app sucks and that I am letting him find out for himself. I don’t feel I have to solve anyone’s problems or even my own. Two less problems to solve. More me time. And no guilt.
Hi Ann! I do suspect that some people have an easier time with guilt than others–I have a friend who has always insisted that “guilt is a wasted emotion” so I get that. But I do wonder if “productivity shame” is another way to say it that still sneaks in now and then? I ask that because even with my friend who insists he never feels guilt, I’ve observed him do things out of “obligation” or do things he just “had to do” and then complain about it later. I tend to think guilt is tricky enough to show up in ways that are unique to us and our personalities. Hopefully, as we age and grow in wisdom we are able to know ourselves and work through it in whatever ways work for us. Thanks for your perspective. ~Kathy
Thank you for talking about something I feel regularly, in spite of the fact that I simply cannot be as “productive” as I have always been. It seems in my mind lung disease, brain injuries and anemia aren’t enough to give myself a good excuse. Glad to see I’m not the only one who cannot shut off that: “worm that starts out small but can work its way into our thinking in all sorts of insidious ways if we aren’t watching out for it.” Great quote and great piece. Remember, blogging is for FUN!
Hi Laura Lee! Nice to hear from you. And yeah, I can only imagine how the desire to be productive flares up with you, even when you physically can’t do what you want to do. That’s also a great example how guilt or productivity shame shows up regardless of how we are feeling physically. Our minds can be pretty tricky huh? I hope you are having more good days than bad and thanks for the reminder that blogging is suppose to be FUN! ~Kathy
Thank you for this post!
Thank YOU Marceline for letting me know you appreciated this post. ~Kathy