I believe that writing is like any other artistic creation. A piece is never really done until the artist says it is—and any artist who shoots only for perfection often doesn’t even start, much less finish their art. That’s why I can agree with Mark Zuckerman who has said, “Done is better than perfect.” But lately I’ve seen a number of other bloggers and writers complain on Facebook and their blogs that they are appalled at the poor writing, grammar and spelling that gets posted on the Internet these days. And I have to admit that a part of me, the perfectionist part of me, squirms a bit when I read that. Maybe because I know without question that my writing isn’t perfect, comments like those spark feelings of doubt or guilt around the merit of my work. So what is it about perfectionism, by a person who doesn’t believe she is a perfectionist, that has the power to make us question our gifts to the world?
These days there is an enormous amount of research in the study of perfectionism. While all of us would likely agree that striving for excellence in all our actions is a good thing, an obsession with perfection can grow incrementally until out of control. Professor Tracey Wade of the School of Psychology at Flinders University in South Australia defines “unhealthy perfectionism” as “high standards combined with brutal self-criticism.” Harvard psychologist and author Dr. Jeff Szymanski describes perfectionism as a phobia about making mistakes. That fear then paralyzes those afflicted and then often keeps them from doing anything they can’t do perfectly. This of course can then lead perfectionists to the thing they fear in the first place—failure.
A great example is the workaholic who spends hours every week attempting to complete projects. Even though setting high standards for themselves and their work can be a big benefit, if they obsess about the work so that it never gets completed (or started!) that in turn interferes with all their other work, which snowballs the problem. Common areas of identified perfectionists are:
- Workaholics
- Those with eating disorders (anorexia & bulimia)
- People with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorders)
- Over-exercisers who can’t miss a day of exercise even if they are sick or injured.
- Black and white/all-or-nothing thinkers
- Chronic procrastinators
- Those who routinely “should” on themselves
- People who are overly critical and constantly find fault with themselves and others.
- Tend to experience periods of depression and high anxiety
- Those tense, stressed out and easily irritated
- Chronic worriers
Perfectionism research also identifies three types of perfectionism. These traits can overlap considerably and are often practiced all at the same time. They are:
- The self-blaming perfectionist. This person often sets unattainable, rigid and unrealistic expectations for themselves. Even when they accomplish a great deal, it comes with a high cost. And they always see their flaws much larger than their strengths.
- The taskmaster perfectionist. This person allows their rigid and unrealistic expectations to extend to everyone around them—families and loved ones as well as peers and co-workers.
- The conforming perfectionist. This person believes those around them, including society, expect them to be perfect. This expectation comes mainly from the need to please.
When reading through the information about perfectionism it’s fairly easy to see that an underlying motive is one of control. Wanting to make everything perfect, with nothing out of place and no possibility of mistake, seems to be a control issue. I think author Anne Lamott nailed it when she said,
“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won’t have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren’t even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they’re doing it.”
Perhaps the most helpful advocate of a un-perfectionist lifestyle is author Brene Brown in her book Daring Greatly. Brown says, “Perfectionism is a defensive move. It’s the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around, thinking it will protect us, when in fact it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from being seen.”
Brown is also clear that, “Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval.” She goes on to say, “For some folks, perfectionism may only emerge when they are feeling particularly vulnerable. For others, perfectionism is compulsive, chronic and debilitating—it looks and feels like an addiction.”
But when and where does perfectionism come from? According to research about 50% of it is hereditary. It’s speculated that the rest of it comes from our family and culture. Dr. Alice Donner, author of Be Happy Without Being Perfect believes that women carry the brunt of it. She explained that a recent study reports that men routinely worry about three things every day—family, money, and job. On the other hand Donner says, “Women fret about a dozen things, on average: their kids, their kids’ social life and after-school sports activities, the house, their husband’s job, how much they volunteer, the clothes they wear, and the makeup they wear. You name it,” Donner said, “women worry about it.”
Donner also believes that a big part of the problem comes from the media and other women. Donner says, “The message women get every single day is ‘you are not okay the way you are.’ The message I want women to hear is that you are fabulous the way you are.”
What can we do?
- Learn to breathe and relax
- Practice visualization and/or meditation
- Find the humor in the situation.
- Practice gratitude.
- Challenge your thinking when it is clearly wrong.
- Prioritize what is really important to you.
- Practice mindfulness
- Stop trying to impress others
Ultimately though, Brene Brown believes that if we want freedom from perfection we have to, “make the long journey from ‘What will people think?’ to ‘I am enough.’” Brown believes the solution is to practice, “shame resilience, self compassion and owning our stories.” To do that we must, “…claim the truths about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, and the very imperfect nature of our lives. We have to be willing to give ourselves a break and appreciate the beauty of our cracks or imperfections. To be kinder and gentler to ourselves the same way we’d talk to someone we care about.”
Like I said before, I don’t normally think of myself as a perfectionist. Instead I’ve been plagued by the idea that I care too much about what others think of me, especially in areas where I feel most vulnerable—like my writing. But it’s possible instead that this thinking is related to a deep-seated belief in perfectionism. By unconsciously striving to be more perfect, my own self-criticism is reflected onto others with the mistaken belief that those “others” are doing the judging. While all the time I’ve been putting the words in the mouths of others, feeling the sting of what they say, and then blaming myself for caring what they think. Talk about a double-whammy!
Anytime any of us are hoping for the approval of others, be they loved ones or strangers, we can be certain that perfectionism is involved. Of course perfectionism sounds better than “caring too much what others think,” but make no mistake, at our core we are hoping to deflect the judgment, shame and possible rejection that we sometimes secretly suspect we deserve.
I think everyone in every walk of life is susceptible to perfectionism but those of us who routinely share our creativity with the world must be particularly cautious. That is because if we let our fear of being judged or criticized stop us, our art will never be shared with others, and a primary meaning in our life sacrificed. It would be far easier never to expose ourselves and stay safe and sound in lives much too small for our souls. But at what cost?
At the same time I think it is important that we stand as encouragement for everyone who is attempting to share their gifts with the world. Plus it might be wise to acknowledge that the criticism we share with others may just be our own voice of perfectionism. Finally, it’s probably SMART to remember that good enough and done are better than perfect.
Kathy, I just found this post today and am so glad I did. I’ve fought many a battle with myself over perfectionism and you’ve hit the nail on the head on so many issues. Yours is a post that I think I will be reading over and over again to gain new insight from.
Hi Jessica! Thank you for stopping by SMART living and joining the conversation. I’m glad you liked this post because it is one I too return to over and over. I don’t think most of us can hear this message enough. I still have that tendency to over-think and wonder a little too much, instead of just focusing on the feeling of accomplishment and knowing when it’s time to move on. Thanks again for coming by and leaving a comment! ~Kathy
Hi Judy! It is actually fairly easy if you know your way around the computer. 🙂 I used the kindle program for the ebook and Amazon’s Create Space for the print. The print book looks lovely and so far no complaints about the kindle book. It does take time and determination but if I can do it anyone can. Let me know if you have any other specific questions. Go for it! ~Kathy
A great post and loved the way you mentioned yourself in it. Brene brown work is just awesome , cant explain in words that how many times i get help from it. I don’t know what is the magical power in words but they give such a positivity and boost me up with a new energy and thoughts.
Hi Kuldeep! Thank you for stopping by SMART Living and adding your thoughts. Yes, isn’t Brene Brown amazing? I love her approach to something we all face no matter where we are in the world.
And now I’ll have to pop over to your blog and check out how the power of now and EFT Tapping work together. Thanks again for stopping by. ~Kathy
I can relate to Dr. Donner. Women do worry about everything, but I think men are changing, too. Some men, anyway, and they are feeling the brunt of not good enough, just along side the rest of us. Do you know what I mean? Men still enjoy more privilege but I think times are changing and they are feeling it. I just have a massive amount of more male referrals in the last few months. Massive. It’s got to be something. All of them talking about their own inadequacy. Very intense! I’ll just keep pushing out my message to let it go!
Hi Jodi! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience on this issue. How interesting that you’ve seen a massive increase in the anxiety of men in recent history. I wonder if it is related to the ideas that I shared in my other post of how all of us are experiencing more stress and struggle (especially related to work and debt) than ever before. And if men traditionally worry about work and money more than women, they could definitely be taking the majority of that stress to heart in ways that we haven’t understood much yet. I do believe that men probably struggle more with expectations to be superior “bread-winners” more than women do–and definitely do the “workaholic” and “perfectionism” to extreme–so that all makes sense.
Keep doing the good work that you do and let’s all keep reminding ourselves to we are already good enough no matter what! ~Kathy
Loved this post and reading all the comments as well. Such deep thoughtfulness on your part shows writing talent and depth of character! Thanks for stopping by Nanahood. As soon as I post this I’m going to find a way to follow you so we can keep in touch.
You are a great writer!
Teresa
Hi Teresa! Thank you so much for dropping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts. I just found your site yesterday–where you wrote about how sponsors and advertisers seem to be overlooking our demographic as opposed to sites that feature young mothers. You make a great case for it an I hope the sponsors read it! As you can see my site is a bit eclectic but I do attempt to write about things that I think effect us all on a deeper level. Please stay in touch! ~Kathy
Anyhow, perfection is in the eyes of the beholder. Years and years after Edison invented the incandescent light bulb his first series was probably hopelessly imperfect in comparison what standardization of production processes and further research made possible. Yet his first working specimen was “perfect” as it stood out to do what it was meant to from among (in his own words) roughly ten thousand (!) failed experiments that went before. To me there are two lessons here: a) had he not striven for that (then) final perfection, his work would all have gone to waste. But if he had persisted on a perfection that was to come later, we equally might never have heard of his invention as it might well have gone beyond even Edison’s mans to “finish” the job “perfectly”.
Hi Oona! Thank you so much for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts. I actually very much agree that there are times when perfectionism seems like a good idea and I think science is a good one. I for one would LOVE for my surgeon to be a perfectionist if I need to go in for an operation. So your example of Edison is a good one, he kept at it and at it until he was finally able to achieve his desired result. But much of the time our work isn’t so exacting and yet we make ourselves crazy trying to perfect it–especially if you are a writer or an artist. Of course, as I said in the post, striving to offer the best you can is good–but at some point it is best to accept our gift and let it be done. I like the statement that says, “Letting something be perfectly imperfect” as a good way to go. Thanks again for your comment. ~Kathy
Kathy, I may have mentioned before that I was in fact a perfectionist by training. I was told often enough that if I couldn’t do something perfectly there was no reason to do it. I held myself back for years wishing I was more creative and doing nothing about it. But in the last year or so I decided I wanted to try. Today I had a visit from the new manager of my apartment building and one of the first things she asked was whether I painted the painting hanging over my bed and that she loved it. Yes, I did paint it. It was the first painting I did and made my day to receive a compliment on it as I can still look at it and wish I had done this spot or that slightly different. The thing is while I know it’s not perfect I love it because I finally stepped out of that rigid training and did something I had longed to do….and it didn’t turn out half bad. 🙂
Hi Lois! How great to hear from you. I guess I didn’t know you were a perfectionist. Of course when I think about it I guess that more of us are than aren’t these days. I am so glad to hear that you’ve found a way to get past some of it and not let it box you in. You have such a great blog that is so helpful and inspiring to others, and I happen to think that you are wonderfully creative in so many ways, that letting things be “done” and keep sharing your gift is something I hope you continue. And now I REALLY want to see a photo of that painting too. 🙂 You’ll have to write a blog post about it so we can all see it. ~Kathy
Oh boy, Kathy, you have struck a nerve in me for sure.
It’s funny, isn’t it, when you read yourself on a page. I’ve done that quite a bit lately in my pursuit to feel better and climb from the depths of massive depression.
I even found a couple books on a lawn (FREE!) as I passed by to my therapy session that were absolutely perfect for what I was going through. I took it as a sign. It was my time to heal. Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life” and a really excellent book on Depression and Anxiety. It was like the universe KNEW.
As I read through the beginning pages of the depression and anxiety workbook I wept because I’d never been so concretely and explicitly described (or I should say I’d never read myself described) in a book before. All the reasons, the underlying causes from my childhood, for my perfectionism were there, and all of my hangups were too. Just written on a page. It was a humbling experience to say the least. I thought I was soooooo original. 😉
It’s intense. I swear I am 95% of this post. But the good thing is that with therapy and through my blog (having to “ship” every week) I’ve been able to really chip away at that control factor and let it go… mostly. And I’m learning to let go of my expectations of OTHERS to be perfect. That’s a huge one for me.
And what you said about projecting your own perfectionism on others, believing that they’re judging you the way you are, wow, that was me to a tee! I’m really learning to recognize that in myself (first step of any process of healing or making change) and handle it when I do.
That perfectionist beast held me hostage for three excrutiating years where the longest thing I wrote was a grocery list. Grocery lists are safe, we are not judged for our lack of beautiful language or perfect metaphor when we’re writing about eggs and cheese. Unless you’re Dr. Seuss.
I was miserable because I wasn’t doing what my soul knew I was meant to do, as you said.
So now I’m doing it. Some days are incredibly productive, some are not. But every day is good because I’m moving further from that prison and out into the light. Of course I still revise the hell out of whatever I write for my blog till the wee hours if it comes to that, but at least I ship when the time comes. I set it free out into the world. It’s a great release. Scary, hell yes. But wonderful too, especially when you get to meet people like you.
Fantastic post. Thank you again for dropping by my blog. I’m so glad you did so I could come find you here. 🙂
Hi Kelly! I am so very glad you stopped by and shared your thoughts on this. My heart goes out to you for some of your struggles but I do think lots of us have this issue to varying degrees. What is really good and inspiring to us all is that you recognized some of the causes of your unhappiness and took steps to move past it. I love the idea that by putting your intention to heal out there you came across Louise Hay’s book–she is an amazing lady with so much wisdom to share. And while I don’t doubt that you still have challenges (we all do don’t we!) , it is obvious you are making progress. I happen to believe that writing and blogging can be wonderfully therapeutic so you’re headed in the right direction. I’m so looking forward to more of your posts and like I tell myself constantly, “It’s better to be done than perfect” and hit that “post” button! ~Thanks again for your thoughts. ~Kathy
I LOVED the comment that although you wouldn’t have called yourself a perfectionist you pay too much attention to what people think of you. I am exactly like that. How do you stop caring? I’m trying, and some days I’m better than others. I guess it’s just important that I keep at it. Thanks for a great post- Virginia
Hi Virginia! Glad you appreciated my humor AND my candor! 🙂 It is definitely one step at a time but now I’m really attempting to recognize that much of my pain and suffering is coming from me judging ME most of all. Just thinking that thought seems to help me–and remind me that many of us deal with the same thing! And you said something else yourself just now….”how do you stop caring?” and that might be a big key too. We are putting the focus of care on other people instead of “caring” for ourselves. Maybe when we put our peace of mind and self-acceptance as primary that will help? What do you think?
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts! ~Kathy
Pardon me while I clear my throat delicately and say that although Mark Zuckerberg (Facebook) and Sheryl Sandberg (“Lean In”) and others have been widely credited for originating the saying, “Done is better than perfect,” I am, in fact, the person who said it first. I have concrete evidence in the form of a tote bag dating from the 1990s, where I am quoted along with a lot of great and famous Americans. I was perfectly happy to have launched this aphorism nearly anonymously into our cultural ether until I saw other people beginning to take credit for coining it. Then I decided to give the backstory on the blog http://brooklyn-artisan.net, where the account appears as a Think Piece. You’re invited to take a look! –Anne
Hi Anne! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and clarifying where the statement came from. It is indeed a great idea and you should feel very proud for coming up with something that so many of people find inspiring. I will definitely take a look at the back story to see what inspired you to come up with it. ~ Kathy
P.S. And thank you for the direct link–the story is fascinating! http://brooklyn-artisan.net/2012/09/01/whats-better-than-perfect/
Thanks, Kathy, for helping me set the record straight. Your blog is obviously helpful to a lot of people who wrestle with procrastination and perfectionism. –Anne
****I’ve seen a number of other bloggers and writers complain on Facebook and their blogs that they are appalled at the poor writing, grammar and spelling that gets posted on the Internet these days***
I’ve seen this, too, and it bothers me…because I know I’m probably one of those culprits (sometimes) — I also know the people saying this are snobs & judging others when they should be cultivating their OWN craft.
I LOoooVE the blogging platform because there are NO editors, no rules, & one can be completely and utterly liberated. I mean, it’s our space, our virtual home to EXPRESSSSSS, cry, scream, cuss, tell our stories, whatever we wish, man.
Perfectionism is Dead.
To the people who are appalled and insulted by improper grammar, misspellings & imperfection….I say, Shut the eff up and fix your own Dangling Participles!
Great post. xx
Hi Inner Chick! I so appreciate your humor AND your wise perspective! I say yes to “Perfectionism is Dead!” too. And like you say, the blogging platform is such an amazing gift to all of us who want to use it. In this day and age I think any of us who want to write and see the many advantages of it for ourselves and others that we should be as encouraging as possible. As the old saying goes, “water rises to it’s own level” meaning people will find who they resonate with and they won’t like those they don’t. Plain and simple. I would much rather people liked my writing for my “thoughts” rather than my ability to spell or write perfectly–and I’m totally betting you are the same! Thanks for your thoughts on this and LET’S KEEP WRITING! ~Kathy
I struggle with Perfectionism. I have made many strides but still fall back into the thinking at times. I do use many of Donner’s 8 steps. Breaking a major goal or project into smaller steps is always a great help. Great post. Thanks for sharing
Hi Kathy! I’d say you are ahead of the crowd for recognizing that it can be an issue for you. I think that is the best way to “make strides” like you say because unless we realize what we are doing and where and why, that thinking keeps us stuck we can never change. And don’t you think the “eight steps” are good advice for us just to live a sane and happy life no matter what’s going on? I sure find things work more smoothly in my life when I make them part of my life….Thanks for your thoughts. ~Kathy
I grew up with perfectionist parents. Nothing was ever good enough and many of my childhood tasks were repeated violently and forcibly under great distress. Now I care for both parents and they are having to learn that done is better than perfect. There are not enough hours in the day to aim for perfection.
Thank you for your wise words and healing thoughts.
Hi Suzan! Sorry to hear you had a tough time of it as a kid. It’s hard enough for all of us with the messages in our culture and the media constantly beating that drum. But it sounds like you have come through it all and learned to accept yourself as you are. That’s what I sure hope for all of us! And good for you for being able to model that to your parents now–hopefully they’ve learned from your great example. ~Kathy
Dear Kathy,
Thanks for this wonderful blog. I should really print it out and put it in a frame 😉 so I can read it more often. It has so much in it for me.
Please carry on with your wonderful gift of writing (no more self-doubts…), Kathy.
Love from Germany, Alex
Hi Alex! What a lovely surprise to hear from you! 🙂 Have you recovered from your trip to the great white north? You so, so, so have my admiration for your adventurous nature and lovely support of your husband. The photos Gerhard sent were awesome and I’ll bet just a tiny bit of what you all took. I can’t wait to hear YOUR perspective when you catch up. Hope the next trip is somewhere WARM! 🙂
And thank you for your thoughts on this. I’m getting that I’m not the only one who beats herself up now and then! Love back to you from California! ~Kathy
I know people who get everyone around them crazy with their perfectionism. I know others who never start anything for fear it won’t be perfect. I feel sad for these people. If they want to criticize my blogs and grammar and use of punctuation, go at it but I ask show me yours too.
Hey Haralee! Thanks for jumping in here with your thoughts. Isn’t it the truth that we can see so clearly in others when they are making US crazy with their perfectionism….but honestly, I’ve had a hard time seeing it in myself. Hopefully this post and what I’ve learned from it will help me in the future. And I agree that none of us should throw stones if we live in glass houses! Instead my goal is to be encouraging and supportive as I can. Thank YOU for your encouragement! ~Kathy
I’ll keep you honest if you keep me honest. How’s that? 🙂 xoxo
PERFECT!!!! 🙂
Believe me, Kathy, I am struggling every day to get over what was life-long in-bred perfectionism. I inherited mine from my mother. 🙂 And, yes, you probably see clear evidence of my perfectionist ways in some of the less than stellar decisions I make.
I think for me it’s part perfectionist and part people pleaser. That’s a deadly combo…
Awareness is the first step. Then every day it’s just about trying to work on it… 🙂
Hi Nancy….Unfortunately I think I can relate! Sounds like another double whammy to me!
You know I don’t think either of my parents were perfectionists. But it wasn’t until fairly recently that I realized my mother did have major body image issues and I do remember her harping on me as a teen to “loose weight.” I was “healthy” although never fat. But I did love to eat and she constantly told me I should watch it. Who knows how deeply those kind of messages get? Plus I remember the kid in the family who was always trying to get everyone else happy? Hmmmm…sounds like a bit of a problem to me now, right?
Let’s just do our best to REMEMBER this huh? It really really helps me when I remember that I’m the one that assigned the speaking parts to all the critics in my life!!! Please remind me if it looks like I’m heading off track! 🙂 ~Kathy
Such an important post, Kathy. You hit it on the head! I’m very self critical but learning to be less so after reading Brene Brown. I think if we’re raised with much criticism it can cause this fear of failure or fear of imperfection. I whole heartedly agree, “good enough and done are better than perfect”!! Thanks for this beautiful post.
hi Lisa! Thanks for joining the conversation on this. I too love what Brene says about perfectionism (and other ideas about being vulnerable and open) but I know I can use all the reminders I can get! Why is it so easy to forget? I’m sure that if we were raised with lots of criticism it would make it worse, but I also think we do a lot of it to ourselves andwith each other. More than anything I was reminded to be as kind and encouraging as I can with everyone I come in contact with….I think we all beat ourselves up far too much. Thank YOU for your encouragement! ~Kathy
This was a wonderful piece. I like to say I’m perfectly imperfect. I’m usually okay with that, but sometimes my inner goblin argues with me. I love Brene’ Brown…! I was fortunate to hear her speak in person at a conference a few months ago. She was hysterical!
Hi Lisa! Thanks for your thoughts on this. And I love that statement “perfectly imperfect” because it says so much! Just got to keep an eye on that inner goblin. Wasn’t it Staurt Wilde who said something about those “inner voices.” I think he said to “bit it’s little tongue out and sit it in the corner!” Okay, so maybe that’s a little violent but it was vivid enough to stick with me.
And yes, Brene is doing really good work in the world. I’ve seen all her TED talks and seen her on Oprah but not in person. Definitely something to look forward to. Thanks again for coming by. ~Kathy
While some people with OCD can be troubled with perfectionism, the vast majority of people with ocPd have it (a very different mental disorder, but often confused or conflated with ocd).
Consistent perfection is unobtainable. (Fairly) consistent excellence, however, is a reasonable goal.
There IS a line between “lemme just throw any old slop up on a blog or in a tweet or in a self-pubbed book and if it’s a hot mess of there/they’re/their and you’re/yours and other common mistakes, who gives a crap,” and paying attention to detail and making sure, if we know we have certain grammatical weaknesses, that somebody else runs their eyeballs over it.
As a reader, if I found a work riddled with MANY grammatical errors or formatting that makes me strain my eyes, then I feel disrespected. If I find one or two mistakes, I shrug and say, “S/he must have been busy and/or human.”
Hi Beverly! Ahh…thanks for the clarification about the OCD and the ocPd. I don’t have any real background or training in either and was just reporting what I had read published by others. And yes, a focus on excellence is far better than perfect.
I agree that it is important for us to do our best when we can, but I still believe it is better to “do” than not do in just about every case. I realize that if my work is less than stellar then I must be responsible for that, but tearing myself up for not doing it would be an even worse experience IMHO. Maybe not everyone else feels that way but I sure do. As far as my writing is concerned, I honestly believe in the long run that people will either resonate with my work, or they won’t. If they are looking for a reason to stop reading my work, or anyone else’s, then they will find it. And I don’t think we need to monitor or critique other work (unless asked) because those others will either find their readers or they won’t. Still the experience of it all is bound to have made some difference in the one who did it.
My goal for myself in the future is to recognize that I won’t like everyone else’s writing or necessarily the way they write, but I will always advocate for their right and privilege to do it!
Well said Kathy. Obsessive perfectionism can be crippling in business as well as personal life. If a company refuses to ship until it’s product is absolutely perfect they will not last very long. And if I read and re-read my blog there is always something I can tweak or change. But if I am afraid to hit the post button until attaining perfection, you won’t be reading much of my works! A little moderation in all things including our efforts to be perfect may make for a more enjoyable life experience. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Dave! Thanks for jumping in here and sharing thoughts from a guy’s perspective. 🙂 And yes, my research definitely pointed out that studies are now showing that perfectionism is actually a detriment in business and the work environment. Plus, as a writer yourself you know that we could be constantly changing, rearranging and over-thinking our posts until we went crazy if we don’t just push that “POST” button eventually and let it go. Moderation is a good way to express that awareness that done and good-enough are better than perfect. Thanks as always for your thoughts. ~Kathy
Kathy, this paragraph hit home the most for me:
“By unconsciously striving to be more perfect, my own self-criticism is reflected onto others with the mistaken believe that those “others” are doing the judging. While all the time I’ve been putting the words in the mouths of others, feeling the sting of what they say, and then blaming myself for caring what they think. Talk about a double-whammy!”
I can totally relate to the questions you’re asking yourself and the stinging sensation when the realization of your own role in this hits.
This post was a home-run! Thank you for sharing.
Hi Nancy! Glad you liked this one! I have to admit your post about running even when you were really sick inspired me a bit with this one. Why do we push ourselves so hard? And yes, when I realized it was me, doing it to me, that really made me say “ah-ha!” It also reminded me a lot of the song from back a few years by Paula Cole titled, “Me”…remember that one? She sang,
Oh yeah….I’m hoping that by clarifying it all for myself that I’ll be better from now on….I’ll let you know 🙂 ~Kathy
You got me again! I needed to hear this today. Yes, I do tend to be a bit of perfectionist and am learning to release myself. Thank you so much for the encouragement!
Hey Mary! Thanks for joining the conversation. Glad you liked this one too. I’ll bet every woman reading this has at least one or two areas in their life where we strive to be perfect if we are willing to admit it! Glad you found this encouraging. The trick is for us to stay awake, aware and conscious…and to give ourselves and all other woman some slack when it comes to being perfect! Thanks as always for the comment. ~Kathy
Excellent post! Brene Brown’s work has helped me in my struggle with some of these issues. While I had not seen Alice Donner’s 8 steps, I have been using several of the suggestions in that list, and they really do help a person to change her thinking. Little steps really do make a big difference.
Hi Kathy D! Yes, don’t you just love Brene Brown’s perspective on perfectionism and so many other things? And I agree that little steps to working on changing our perspective is critical. But now that I think about it, probably the most important step for me is to increase my awareness of when I’m doing it and how often I do it to others. Staying aware and awake with this habit is critical! Thanks for your thoughts! ~Kathy
Wonderful post.
Brown’s comment: “Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval.” I identify with the earning approval aspect of this. It was how I was raised–to be aware of what others thought. ALL the time. With the belief that without that approval of others I was nothing. What a burden it must have been for my mother to live under that constant self-scrutiny and projection of her insecurities. What a pain in the a** it’s been for me to get that script out of my head! I don’t know that I saw it as a need for perfectionism but certainly when we hold on that belief we give our power away to others and we may stop ourselves from accomplishing things by the fear of not being good enough.
Hi Walker! Thanks for stopping by and joining this conversation. As you say, that need for approval doesn’t always show up for us as seeking for perfection but until I thought this through and did a little research on it I never tied the two together myself. I think a key factor is how you recognize how difficult it was for your mom and how you also picked up that torch and ran with it. And ultimately, unless we are willing to drop the torch and let other women off the hook as well it just keeps going and going and going! Thanks for your thoughts! ~Kathy