Richard Leider, co-author of the new book, Who Do You Want To Be When You Grow Old? highlights four things that many seniors feel are missing in older age. Those four things, along with numerous other gems of wisdom, are included in this book that was sent to me to review. And while I don’t know about you, with my 66th birthday happening later this month I grow increasing interested in such topics. Plus, as a person who has suffered from FOMO (fear-of-missing-out) much of her life, I don’t want to be one of those used as an example with such regrets. In fact, not only do I not want to miss anything that will keep me from experiencing what the authors call “the good life”, I look forward to becoming all I can become as I grow older.
A major theme in this book comes from its subtitle, The Path Of Purposeful Aging. Both Leider and his co-author David Shapiro have written a number of books on what it means to age well and much of that process includes finding and living on purpose. This book is no exception, although I was pleasantly surprised to read a number of insights that are new. Right up front the authors assert that getting older is really not about “what you do” with yourself as you age, but rather who you become. After all, we can’t ignore the fact that every single one of us is getting older every day. The authors point out that most people when they retire or get older focus on the “what” they are going to do with all their time rather than the “who” they can now be. And yet, Leider and Shapiro suggest that the path of becoming older is less about “outward accomplishment” and more about “inward growth.”
Why? The three main reasons they believe are necessary to live purposely are:
- “…it is energizing and life-affirming; it provides us with a why to get up in the morning.”
- “..it makes us more resilient as we face the inevitable adversities of aging.”
- “…it enables us to grow whole as we grow older.”
Actually, when you think about it, most of us are very familiar with saying we or someone else is growing older. But how many times do we actually believe we (or they) are still growing? The authors of this book point out repeatedly that there is a big difference between getting older and growing older. Of course, although our brains have the ability to grow throughout our lives, each individual has the choice about whether we/they are willing to keep it growing. Purposeful aging asks us to know the difference. Ultimately the authors say, “The time has come to change the story from a default anti-aging mindset to an intentional pro-aging mindset.” They even go so far to say, “It’s time to retire retirement as we know it.”
Yikes! I can see the loud objections from a lot of you who love your retirement. That kind of brings me back to the title of this article. Even though you love your retirement do you ever feel like something is missing? The authors identified four things that some people feel is missing as they get older—retired or not. According to the authors, these four factors can contribute or detract from a person experiencing “the good life.” If they are missing, then regret, dissatisfaction or what Leider and Shapiro call a “late-life crisis” can show up. However, keep in mind it isn’t just hearing about and accepting these four. Instead it is the examination and the conscious choices a person gives to each of these that lead to fulfillment.
- Where a person lives.
- Who do you spend your time with?
- Life work or expression. How do you spend your time all day, every day?
- Why do you do what you do.
Not quite what you expected? Me either. I think most of us are used to more pithy statements that make us say, “Oh wow, I never thought of that!” Instead the authors are convinced that being able to pause and reflect on these four important factors with deep consideration and choice makes the difference between a “default” existence and one created by your design.
Let’s look at them a bit closer. With numerous references to a designed life rather than one of default, where you live is either somewhere you consciously choose to be or, just somewhere you ended up. Your happiness and contentment has a lot to do with whether you take ownership of that choice or spend your entire life wondering how you ended up there and what it would be like if you lived where you always dreamed of living.
The same happens with the people in your life. Do you choose to be around them or are they all there because you didn’t have a choice? The thing is, you do. We all do. We decide who and when and how people will be in our lives and why there are there. Unfortunately, we often forget that we are making that choice every single day. While we all have plenty of reasons (excuses) to explain why we often end up with the people in our lives, let’s never forget we have a choice. It might not be comfortable or easy, but we have the choice.
It’s the same with our work. Obviously most of the people that the authors are talking about are older and most don’t work. But Lieder and Shapiro still believe that the details of your day is your work. How you spend it, who you spend it with, your intentions (or lack thereof) are either by design or by default. If you don’t realize the amount of choice you have over your days, then you will likely feel that something is missing or is ultimately dissatisfying to you.
And finally, your purpose is the conscious intention behind why you do what you do. Is it to check things off of a bucket list? Entertain yourself to get through the day without being bored? Is it just the lot you’ve been handed? Is it to take more than you give—because gall-darn-it—you deserve it? Again, what you think and believe about your purpose will indicate whether you will spend the remainder of your life feeling purposely satisfied or not.
While this book isn’t rocket science, it is a dive into asking yourself (and those you love) some really important questions about who you hope to be as you grow older. They don’t give many answers although the purpose “growing and giving” is repeated many times. They encourage us all to be more than just people seeking default comfort as we age and remind us all that we still have a lot to give others and the world as we grow older. If you too, are interested in becoming the best you that you can be as the days go by, it would be SMART to pick up a copy once it is released.
If interested, you can preorder the book for its release on Amazon by clicking on this link.
“Who Do You Want to Be When You Grow Old?” is such an interesting title to start with. Making life a purposeful endeavor at every stage is so vital. The title itself stands as a message to the masses that you need to lead life by you own terms and go on with the same zeal. One has to seek for ways to look forward to in the beautiful journey of discovering, giving, learning and teaching alike. I hope the books can bring more insights on our purpose and ensure that each one finds his/her and welcomes a new day no matter how mundane it may sound!
Kathy, I’ve always been a strong believer in personal choice and “by design or by default” was my motto for years! After all, I was a product designer. And my own approach to retirement was based on design thinking. So yes, I definitely live my life with intention – making choices based on my life vision which is grounded in my values. I continue to struggle however with “purpose”. (I kinda feel like Tom has commented). Does this book help with that last question differently than others have written?
Hi Pat! Good question. I don’t believe this book is focused on helping “discover” your purpose so much as it coming up with LOTS of questions to ask yourself and monitor what you are thinking about and doing or not doing as you get older. Yes they believe it is important to have a reason to get up in the morning and keep looking forward to living…you can call that a purpose and/or meaning…or not. I believe living with intention seems very similar to their ideas of purpose as I understand it, along with an awareness of our values and how aligned you are with them. They repeatedly say that “Purpose is a verb” so it isn’t something any one of us can capture. But, like I mentioned to Tom, don’t let the word throw you. And while I think you probably process much of what they relate in the book already (I know you and ready YOUR blog) I did feel that some of their questions and perspectives were posed differently than I had read or considered before so I do recommend the book. Especially the first half. Then again it is not that big a book so maybe wait until it is in a library? ~Kathy
You know, I think a lot of people believe that there is a point where we just stop growing, because we have “arrived.” I have to admit that it has surprised me how much I have learned and grown in my 30’s and 40’s, because I thought that I would just be a “grown up” and be done with all of that. I have been reflecting a lot on my journey lately, and it surprises me to see some of the things I wrote when I first started blogging back in 2011. It’s hard to believe I was the same person back then!
So my hope for older age is that I continue to learn and discover, to encounter many teachers and mentors, and to continue to find purpose and passion as I am able to give back.
Hi Bethany! Good for you for recognizing how you have changed through the years and celebrating that. Sadly I’m not sure everyone does that. To me it would signal an early death if I was the exact same as I was five or ten years ago (let alone when I was in my 30s or 40s!!!) Just continue to do that and who knows where you will be by the time you get to be my age! Oh, and don’t forget to enjoy the journey! ~Kathy
Yes, I agree with the author wholeheartedly. But . . . sometimes these books get me so focused on meaning and purpose that I start feeling guilty that I’m somehow not living life as fully as I should. Sometimes I want to say: Please, I’m retired, just leave me alone!
Hi Tom! Yeah I get you. I remember reading somewhere that the pressure to find a person’s purpose can promote more bad feelings than good for some. I tend to think a big problem is that we “judge” and compare our purpose with others doing AMAZING things and of course can shame ourselves into thinking ours doesn’t add up to that. Instead of just realizing what it is in life that makes our hearts glow and our minds buzz–who cares what anyone else thinks? And if it feels like a job to come up with those kinds of things, then let it go. Knowing you and reading your blog I think your actions demonstrate your purpose and I’m sure that and a few other things provide you with all the meaning you need. okay, now I will leave you alone!!! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, Thanks you for this great post. I can always count on you to offer sound and sage information. Keep reading and keep sharing. You’re right it’s not rocket science. And in fact, most of the necessary steps to live a full and wonderful life are pretty simple — if we’d just follow them. Thanks again for offering them up.
Hi Kate. Thanks for the compliment but I do what they commonly say, I write what I most need to hear. And yes, it isn’t usually a difficult message. The trick is to remember it! ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – Leider and Shapiro’s “four essential factors” make perfect sense to me. I wake up grateful every single day for who I live with, where we live and the privilege of being retired.
Thank you for sharing this post. It went very well with the discussion we had together earlier today. Very thought-provoking!
Hi Donna! It might not be surprising but it does make sense that those four things are so very critical to a happy and fulfilled life huh? and yes I was able to tie some of what I read and thought about into our discussion yesterday. While I do think about these things on a regular basis (largely because of this blog) I find it incredibly important for us all to talk about and hold them in our minds as the days go by. May we all continue to experience those four things as we move into the future. ~Kathy
This is definitely a book I will have to pick up! It sounds very insightful and helps in getting you into that reflective mood.
I loved your statement “I look forward to becoming all I can become as I grow older”. I, too, live by this motto. It doesn’t matter if you’re getting older, you should always work on improving yourself physically, mentally and spiritually. It makes life much richer. And I agree, it’s not what you do, it’s who you become that is important.
I also like the concept of purposeful aging. I think some people should be taking more of an active interest in their life and retirement. Not just sitting back and letting it pass them by. As the human race, we’re constantly changing and evolving. They really have no idea what they’re missing! ?
Thanks for the review of the book and your thoughts and impressions of it! Always helpful when picking out reading material. Have a great weekend, Kathy!
Hi Debbie! I’m sure you would find at least several ideas in this book to get you thinking and give you some ideas to write about on your blog. I too like that label, “purposeful aging.” I don’t think I’ve heard that one else where. It certainly gives one a description for that constant growth and involvement in life that I believe most of us want. May that continue to be part of our lives for the distant future! Thanks for your thoughts as always! ~Kathy
Great points and I especially like “growing and giving”!
Hi Gary! Yes that idea of growing and giving is easy to remember and means so much! ~Kathy
Lovely! Reflecting is always good! I don’t think of myself as having ONE purpose but a dynamic group of purposes — which is probably more or less what Jane Fonda meant in what Mona quoted in her reply about being “whole.” Some days I focus more on my intellectual growth, some days more on my physical health, some days on my emotional openness and stability, some days on what I can bring to the people around me….
Hey Nancy! Thank you. As I said to Joanne, I tend to believe that reflecting on our lives is imperative so that’s probably why I write about it so much. And I like your idea of a “dynamic group of purposes.” It is a lot about being a more “whole” and balanced person. The authors do address more about that idea of wholeness and they quote Parker Palmer with his book “Hidden Wholeness” (which is excellent by the way!) Mostly they do mean that combination of aspects of our lives that would be out of balance if not included. As you say, it takes the whole of us to become the person we are meant to be. ~Kathy
I love the concept and experience of synchronicity in my life, and I would put this post firmly in that category, for the theme of power-of-choice has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now.
In addition, the past year of pandemic living and the many (long, never-ending) months of social isolation have been contributing to these swirling thoughts of who am I and more importantly, who do I want to be.
Growth, learning, and development have been lifelong themes for me, and being a senior hasn’t changed that. This post has helped validate that this periodic soul-searching of who am I, and whether it consistent with where I want to go, is not just neurotic wheel-spinning … it’s an important tool in creating a life well lived.
Thanks Kathy for a great post.
Hi Joanne! I know it isn’t always easy to remember all the choices we have in our lives (not to mention taking action on them!) but I can’t help but believe when we do we can finally claim our lives as our own. Even if that choice is the one that says I might not be able to change the circumstances but I DO have the choice about how I will continue thinking about this.
And I join you in believing that growth, learning and development are lifelong themes that I plan to include for all my days on this earth. And while some might call it over-thinking 🙂 I also tend to believe that far too many don’t seem to even be thinking at all! As you say, it helps me/us create a life well lived.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and I’m glad you liked it. ~Kathy
I hear you. I don’t even like driving on auto-pilot, I’m sure as hell not going to live my life on auto-pilot. I’m afraid I might miss something interesting along the way ?
hmmmm…it sounds like you have a little FOMO too!
I kept a note on the bulletin board beside my desk – “At every moment you have the right to choose.” It helped me set intention and purpose. Jane Fonda said “The challenge is not to be perfect…it’s to be whole.” The idea of living by design vs default really appeals to me.
Hi Mona! Yes to both of those quotes. I think if we can remember and live out of them then our lives are sure to be better. ~Kathy