Nearly 40 years ago, in early October, Thom and I got married in the mountains of Colorado. Although the air was briskly cool, the sun was shining in the bright blue sky. Standing in front of a small wooden cabin surrounded by pine trees, we repeated our vows to each other in front of the seven people in attendance. I can vaguely recall being utterly in love with the young man standing next to me. And optimist that I am, I never doubted we were taking the next, best step for our relationship. Still, never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would look back after all these years and recognize the gift that my marriage would become. While I realize that Thom and I have shared a great deal of good fortune along the way, a big part of our happy marriage can be boiled down to four simple (but not always easy) elements of an extraordinary relationship.
#1 Like each other as much or more than you love each other. Before Thom, I had never had a man friend. Growing up without brothers or any close men in my life, I unconsciously viewed men more from a hormonal perspective than much else. In contrast, when Thom and I first met we spent hours talking about everything conceivable. Not only did our thoughts coincide on millions of things, he listened to me and seemed to enjoy my thinking as much as I enjoyed his. That talking, sharing and spending time together made him a dear friend, long before he became my lover. By recognizing and keeping our friendship front and center, our love has evolved and grown side by side.
A couple of years ago Thom and I were on vacation in Oaxaca Mexico. After a wonderful dinner in a quaint restaurant, we were walking back to our apartment holding hands and talking about our incredible day. Just as we were about to enter our apartment, a young couple approached us from across the street. With his arm draped around his girlfriend, the young man asked us, “Excuse me. You seem to be very happily married. Would you please share your secret with my fiancé and me?”
He still cracks me up!
Wow! What do you say to a question like that from a sincere but complete stranger? While I was still mulling it over in my mind, Thom said, “She has to be your best friend.”
I could tell the young man was completely caught off guard. And while I can’t remember how he responded exactly, he implied that he already had a best friend and it wasn’t her. I could see the look on her face when he tried to explain how important his man friends were to him. Clearly, defending those friends took priority. It’s hard to say what happened to that couple but I’d like to hope that he did some serious soul searching before they were married. Sure, a marriage can be reasonably happy if you just stay friends and lovers. But if you want an exceptional marriage, keeping the person you are married to as your “bestie” is a key.
#2 Continue to respect and appreciate each other. I think it goes without saying that if you don’t respect and appreciate the person you want to marry—then don’t. Just don’t. While you might have a few logical reasons to go ahead with it, if there is any doubt in your mind about whether he or she is worthy of your respect, that pretty much answers the question as well.
Right from the beginning, I recognized qualities in Thom that I admired. His quick wit and humor made me laugh. His generosity and kindness with others touched my heart. His self-confidence, good sense, and ambition appealed to my optimistic nature. His curiosity about all things, his desire to learn new things, and his love of adventure inspired mine. Yes, I found him attractive, but even more importantly, I felt an irresistible connection with his mind and heart.
After all these years I still see those qualities in the man I married—those and many more. Yet, how many times have we all observed others talking about all the deplorable things they dislike about their spouse. Really? It’s bad enough when the person being discussed isn’t present. But far worse is when the person does it loudly for all to hear right in front of his/her spouse. As the relationship expert John Gottman repeatedly says, two of the most destructive elements to a relationship are constant criticism and obvious contempt. If you don’t respect and appreciate the one you are with, best to just end it now.
Celebrating our 30th Anniversary in Tahiti
# 3 Make your relationship a true partnership. Thom and I got married before either of us had anything to guard and protect. Right from the beginning we threw it all together and shared everything—money, possessions, dreams, possibilities, and challenges. Making things even more of a partnership, we started and ran several of our own businesses through the years. Eventually, we both ended up in different aspects of the real estate field—but even there we both studied, learned and shared different sides of the same industry.
When I started writing, Thom became my biggest fan who continues to supply me with many of my ideas and also helps me with my books. My work is enhanced because of all that he adds to the mix. Meanwhile, Thom has become successful in commercial real estate, but he is always the first one to admit that my support, my input, and my help is a constant contribution to that outcome. Ultimately, when we work together as partners it benefits us both, and the relationship itself.
Of course, as with any business relationship, there are naturally compromises or tradeoffs. But behind it all, Thom knows that he comes first in my life and there is no doubt that I come first in his—no matter what. He celebrates my triumphs and I never neglect to rejoice and celebrate his. Anyone who wants an incredible marriage must work to make it an equal and supportive collaboration.
#4 Make sure you share the same core values and beliefs about the world. In the beginning, Thom and I realized that we shared many common interests and ideas about the world. But not all. Believe it or not, I was raised by my father to be a Republican. While I may have voted a few times in ways that now make me blush, I confess that I voted the way I did because I wasn’t that aware of what I really believe. Meanwhile, Thom who started out as an Independent is amazed at how progressive I’ve become through the years. But behind it all, is how we share the basic value of honoring and supporting all people regardless of their race, sex, religion, or station in life. Freedom and choice are fundamental to us both. That is sharing core values.
Another core value was our decision not to have children. Thom was very clear when we got together that he did not want to be a father for a number of reasons. Me? I wasn’t committed one way or another. What I did know is that it was far more important to me to have an extraordinary relationship with my spouse than to have a child. I made that decision and have never regretted it.
As I said above, I am well aware that Thom and I are different people. Yet behind it all, we are in alignment about what really, really matters to us both. While I can appreciate that others have different values than mine, I can’t imagine linking my life with them—let alone finding the deep happiness and fulfillment that my marriage provides.
A couple of years ago an article about marriage appeared in The New York Times written by Tara Parker-Pope. There she wrote about a study done by Brigham Young University where they discovered that nearly 77% of most marriages could be rated as ‘ambivalent.” In other words, most of the time those marriages weren’t that bad, but they weren’t that great either. Only 23% of those marriages studied could be considered “mostly positive” for both parties in the relationship.
When Thom and I got married forty years ago one thing we were very sure about was that we didn’t want to have an “ambivalent marriage.” Both of us had witnessed our parents take that route, so we vowed to one another that we would end it if that time ever came. Fortunately, 40 years later we not only love each other far more than we did so long ago, but our relationship is anything but ambivalent. While I am sure I don’t have all the answers for what makes a perfect marriage, surely it is SMART to look to others who exemplify the type of relationship you want and then make your choice.
Okay, your turn! Are you happily married? Can you add any tips that have helped your marriage thrive? Please comment below!
Kathy, this is such an insightful article on what makes the foundation of a great relationship —you have stated it so clearly! I have been with my husband ten wonderful years, and I believe that your four points characterize our relationship: best friends, true partnership, deep respect, shared values. It is a second marriage for both of us. We both experienced a long lonely period after our first marriages ended sadly/badly. Every day we thank our lucky stars that we found each other.
Jude
Hi Jude! Congratulations on your great 10 years with the RIGHT person for you. And yes, sometimes we have to experience what isn’t right to really hone in on what is. I’m glad you found each other too! ~Kathy
I love this and agree with pretty much everything. We’re in our 10th year of marriage and we always tell people that you have to share core values. We’re completely different in personality but we center our lives around the same values and we both want to be headed in the same direction.
Hi Michelle! Congratulations on your 10 year anniversary! You’ve made it through the most challenging part IMHO so it just keeps getting better and better especially if you share those core values. ~Kathy
A lot of things here I can relate to, Kathy. For one, I NEVER wanted an ambivalent marriage (relationship) either and agree that when it would turn into that (and when it did in the past), it is better to end it. To be honest, I never wanted a marriage at all, but some external factors (that’s another story) made us tie the knot. Not that we have any regrets about that.
From the beginning, Mark and I have been a team as well, and have encouraged and influenced each other along the way. There are ups and downs in every relationship, but respect and support go a long way. Two other factors I would add are communication and honesty. Two very important traits to have in a marriage. Also, with men, you have to say what you mean or what you want, and not try to have them read between the lines. 🙂 And, when you want them to be straightforward, you have to be OK with a comment like “This shirt does not look good on you.”
This is an insightful and “from the heart” post, Kathy, and I am so happy for you both to be together and have been for so long. Congratulations! What a compliment to be asked that question in Mexico. Your wedding photo reminds me of some of the photos I saw of my parents from the seventies.
And, looking forward to meeting you both soon! 🙂
Oh, Kathy. I did everything wrong, twice. I married the first guy when we were both way too young, but I loved him because he was cute and also he felt strangely familiar. Probably because, I realized later, he was a lot like my arrogant and self-centered father. Five years after that divorce, I married a guy out of extreme loneliness, and because he was smart and talented. But also poor and underemployed, like husband number one. That marriage went kaput, too.
When I met Bill, he chased me but I was ambivalent. I figured, Oh, well. I’ll learn to date again by practicing with him. Bill was unlike my previous husbands. When he proposed, I asked him to meet my therapist, because I was so unsure of my judgement at that point! Therapist said, “He’s got a job…what the hell do you see in HIM?” Well, he made me laugh, and he was responsible. Over the years, we’ve certainly had our ups and downs as we’ve matured together. Now I’m 63 and he’s 70, and he has become my best friend and the love of my life. But we had to grow together. We celebrated our 20th anniversary last April.
Hi Lynne! Well some of us take a little longer to learn 🙂 ha!ha! But like I, and other say, it is NEVER a mistake as long as you learn from it. And it sounds like you found your way. 20 years is nothing to sneeze at…and from my experience, it just gets better after that. Congratulations on your 20 years! ~Kathy
My husband and I have been together for 36 years. I remember when I first met him, he was age 26 and I was 32 (he’s 6 years younger than I am) his mother told me her son was too young to marry me. What age do you think is good? I asked her. She told me he needed to be single five more years. So, we moved in together and we waited the five years and then we got married! LOL!
Our secret is that we really like each other! I mean…really like! We share the same religion, politics, background, likes & dislikes, thoughts and opinions and yet we are so opposite (he likes death & gore movies…I like chick flicks i.e.) It’s strange, bizarre and never, ever boring.
It’s his first marriage. It’s my second. I kid my hubby a lot. I often tell him that I was old enough to be his babysitter.
Hi Cindi! Congratulations on your 36 year relationship. And yeah, it doesn’t really matter if they were “legal” marriage or not anymore. Good for you both for recognizing your deep connection to one another in spite of what others thought was good. So nice to hear other couples who really, really like one another. And no that doesn’t mean you’re exactly the same–it just means you are right (rightsized!) for each other. ~Kathy
Happy Anniversary, Kathy and Thom!
Like you, for some inexplicable reason, I have been blessed to meet and marry the most incredible person that I have ever known. I don’t have any advice to add to your four points above, other than to reinforce the importance of Gratitude, Communication, Respect and Listening. Spending time together with shared passions, as well as carving out regular time apart (especially in retirement) are also key.
Hi Donna! Thank you. And congratulations yourself for creating a wonderful marriage! I’m looking forward to meeting your husband very soon. ~Kathy
Congratulations to you and Thom, Kathy. As I read your post, I found myself nodding in agreement. I’ve always held that ‘liking’ and ‘respect’ are very necessary ingredients for a good relationship.
Hi Corinne! Thank you for your good wishes. I trust that things like respect and appreciation for your spouse are equally important to those on your side of the world as it is on ours. It’s nice when we can have that for everyone around us but it’s essential that we have it with our partners. ~Kathy
I think the best decision you two have made was NOT to have children.
I wish I had the guts to have made the same decision but I was shamed into having children.
Hi Herman. I’m sorry that you felt pressure to do something in your marriage that you did not want to do. I think that such an important decision should be fully communicated with a prospective spouse before marriage and then hvaing the courage to decide against it if the issue cannot be resolved. When two people in a relationship are in sync about issues like have children it can be wonderful. If not, it can be tragic for everyone. May your example help others clarify this decision for themselves. ~Kathy
Oh, my! I completely agree with your four points, Kathy, especially #3. So many independent women do not want to toss their complete independence and do that. But we all know it works better if you do! Congratulations on a well deserved happy marriage!
Hi Diane! Thanks! I have always preferred the idea of inter-dependence myself and certainly believe that any partnership works best under that approach. While most people who know us see us a strongly independent people when it comes to our marriage it is far more interdependent. And thanks for confirming all four points. ~Kathy
The 2 of youe are so obviously right for each other
Hi Carol! Yep…those who know us pretty much realize it was meant to be. Looking forward to the time we meet your beloved 🙂 ~Kathy
Kathy, this post and your examples are so right on! Being a best friend and sharing the same values are top keys in any relationship! I feel I have that now with hubby #2 (whom you’ve met). The relationship in my first marriage, both of us so young, did not have the qualities you so eloquently outline and it showed about 5 years into the marriage when baby number one was born, and ended after 17 years.
Hi Terri! Congratulations to you finding your best friend/partner. While I agree it is fortunate to find it the first time around…I congratulate you on not settling until you found your one true partner. ~Kathy
Congratulations on your upcoming anniversary! I have observed your special bond with Thom first hand, and it is obvious that you two are solid. My husband and I just celebrated our 14th year (together 27 years) and I think we can check off all four of your elements too. I can’t think of many things worse than being stuck in an ambivalent marriage. Enjoy your celebration!
Hi Janis! That’s a nice way to say it….”solid”. It’s sometimes difficult to say just exactly why a couple works…but when it does it is “solid.” Thanks Congrates to you and your husband too…and wow…I’ll bet there is a story behind your 27 years (14 years married) that I need to hear about over margaritas!!! Looking forward to the next time we get together. ~Kathy
All so true Kathy. So much to learn in one lifetime!
I made so many mistakes in love until I did a complete midlife crisis self-analysis at age 49. Then I met Mike and I knew almost immediately. Now we both feel so lucky to have found so much love, acceptance, affection and appreciation every day of our lives! No chance of ambivalence here! So glad you and I are a few of the lucky ones 🙂
Hi Laura Lee! Thank you. And congratulations to you too for finding such good love and partnership the 2nd time around. It doesn’t matter when, only if! ~Kathy
Oh, yes! All of the above. Husby and I have been married just a bit longer than you. And he is my favourite person. Always has been. Always will be.
Happy anniversary! You make some great points.A long term marriage is complex. I think when there are children there is more evolving from parents to back to 2 individuals. I agree respect is crucial in a happy marriage. I hate to be around couple that bicker constantly or voice put downs. Of course not every day is rainbows and unicorns but I say vent your frustration with someone else not when your spouse is right there! Also if you complain for decades about your spouse why stay? I know there are financial pit falls but happiness and life is fleeting.
Hi Haralee! Thank you. I’m sure that children change the mix and that requires different “life lessons!” And if I understand you correctly, I don’t doubt there is a big adjustment when the kids leave. But either way, like you say not every day is rainbows and unicorns. However, at least for us the bad days together are almost nonexistent these days. We sort of know areas we disagree and just head them off at the pass. And most importantly, as you say, I can’t conceive of just staying with someone because it works financially. A person’s happiness and life is so-o-o much more important. ~Kathy
Dearest Kathy Big happy congratulations to you and Thom. Your words are spot-on. Irwin and I were so blessed to have found one another, loving and being so “into each other” from the day we met until he passed away 39 years, 9 months, 9 days and 9 hours from when we married. Almost made it to 40?? We were so different in so many ways – and yet – irresistibly connected in the ways that mattered most. He – being Jewish – often referred to our finding one another as “Bashert” (we were one another’s bashert i.e. one another’s destiny.). Our differences served as challenging opportunities to grow and evolve (sometimes not without resistance? of course.). I miss him so much – but also give thanks every day for having been blessed with such a beautiful man who loved me unconditionally and lavishly – and for relationship rich in mutual respect, appreciation, fun, laughter, sharing, spirituality, and of course LOVE.
Hi Karen! Thank you so much for your words of support. I know you know what I was hoping to communicate here because I witnessed it with you and Irwin. As you say, it doesn’t mean there aren’t challenges. But when you are so aligned you just figure it out in a way that works for you both, right? I can only imagine the tenderness of your heart since he’s been gone. But if you’re anything like me (and I’m thinking you are!) then having that precious time together is worth it all. Sending you love and good intentions AND if we ever make it back to your area in Florida we will come and visit. ~Kathy
What a meaningful article. Thank you. My husband and I have been married 36 years. I agree 100%. With your take of a happy marriage. We also decided not to have children and have never regretted the decision.
Hi Lada! Congratulations on your 36 years of happy marriage. Don’t you think we should all be celebrating what makes a marriage happy rather than just ones that last a long time? And good for you for also making a choice together that works for you both. That’s a real key as far as I’m concerned. ~Kathy
Great article, thank you. Words of wisdom for sure.
Hi Deb! Thank you for letting me know that you found value in this. ~Kathy
You both are so very fortunate.
I had “red flags”but I ignored them because I really wanted to be married. The red flags were, I was his fourth marriage (my first) and he was already a bit controlling. Things were actually pretty good for 17 years and then we retired.
It had a negative effect on my husband, as we moved and he didn’t feel he fit in to the neighborhood, he no longer had a managerial job where he had control over people and policy and his health began to change as retirement rolled along. The writing was on the wall and I paid the brunt of his frustrations (mental not physical ).
He passed away four years ago and unfortunately I barely remember the good times and the later years of criticism and subtle putdowns even in front of others took its toll. I’m sure my reactions to his actions were not always helpful either in the situation. I often said he could bring out the worst in me.
I am not bitter, but sad that I never had the wonderful marriage my parents had and that I dreamed of and longed for.
I am making a new life and doing ok in that effort, but a deep disappointment will always be with me, not so much for his death, but for the lost dream of a long and happy marriage. It’s a constant sadness.
If I had to say one thing vital for a good marriage beyond what you said, it would be kindness and empathy.
Hi Mary! So sorry to hear that you have regrets about your former marriage. BUT–and I say this with all sincerity–don’t give up. After my mother died, my father was devastated. He had nursed her through at least 4 or 5 years of dementia and physical ailments in spite of the fact that they were such different people. When finally passed he acted as though his life was over–for nearly a year. Then suddenly he started dated the widow of a former friend and they fell madly in love. I don’t recall EVER seeing him that giddy and happy as he was with Carolyn. Unfortunately, he did die a couple of years later himself. But his last two years were incredible. He showed me that we can’t ever give up on love. You can’t change the past, but you can change the future. ~Kathy
What a wonderful post, Kathy! I wrote my own post recently on celebrating my 35th anniversary: https://www.thewellnestedlife.com/blog/keep-your-eyes-open-to-the-little-things-avoiding-a-thankless-marriage. To sum it up, my tip is two little words: “thank you,” but they have to be used often!
Hi Karen! Isn’t appreciation a real key to both a happy life AND a happy marriage. Congratulations on your 35th! ~Kathy
WOW…I believe you concisely identified the key aspects to not only a happy marriage, but also a friendship that will last forever!
(It is rare to find an article that doesn’t emphasize children, religion or an active sex life as the key to a long term relationship and it is so refreshing to see that your lessons are similar to the ones I’ve noticed in my 34 yr marriage.)
Congratulations on 40+years of a successful relationship!
Hi Karen! Thank you. And congratulations on your own 34 years. Isn’t it wonderful when it just keeps getting better and better? While it’s always good to have other friends–living with your BEST FRIEND has to win out! ~Kathy
What a fantastic tribute to 40 years of married life Kathy. And congrats on your anniversary in October. I think the key for me is the whole foundational values thing – you can be opposites in lots of areas if your core values are the same – it’s the basis of everything and it means that you can accept the little differences because underneath it all you’re both on the same page. It also helps to really like the person you’re married to or your life together would be pretty miserable!
Hi Leanne! Yes I don’t think most of us realize (especially when we are young and don’t even know what we don’t know) how important it is to marry (or commit to) someone who is on the same page as you. I sure didn’t. Fortunately we had both been around the block a little 😉 when we got together so that helped us recognize some of the traits we wanted. Then we just lucked out with the rest! And yes, of course there are always differences but if those big issues are similar it helps to overlook the little stuff. Thanks for your comment. ~Kathy