I arrived on this planet 61 years ago, and I don’t think I’m old. Sure, I’ve been around a while and have certainly aged. But again, I don’t think that necessarily makes me old. Then this last week a friend and fellow blogger wrote an article saying that it was “ageist” to deny that we aren’t old past a certain age. While my friend didn’t mention when that exact number occurs, just knowing she is only a year or two older than me, made me guess that she believes I’m in the same boat. But the thing is, I don’t think she is old either, regardless of her age.
Of course, I do agree with her that rampant age discrimination exists in our country. It’s been around for as long as I can remember and I’m guilty of it too. I distinctly recall thinking my parents were old when I introduced Thom to them back in the late 1970s. At the time, they were in their early 40’s, and I am now two decades older than them at that introduction. Your perspective clearly changes as you age and until you reach certain milestones yourself, it is tough to relate.
At the same time, I am not the same age as my mother was when she was 61. Even if we compare the same calendar years, her attitude, her health, her enthusiasm (or lack thereof), her relationships and her outlook on life all put her in a dramatically different reality. Demanding that all of us claim that we are old past a certain age, without considering significant life characteristics and conditions doesn’t work for me. Haven’t we all met people who are “old” in their 20s?
But make no mistake; I’m not into denying my age whatsoever. I freely tell people the number if they ask, but don’t let their definition of that define me. I agree that my body doesn’t look the same as it used to, or that I have all the same physical attributes that I possessed at certain phases of my life. Sure, I’ve had some health issues and am battered and bruised a bit. However, rather than focus on what I have lost, I spend far more time thinking about what I’ve gained instead.
- My health is good, and I’m able to do everything I want to do physically at this point in my life.
- My marriage has deepened and grown tremendously through the years, and I can easily say I am more in love with my husband than I ever even guessed at 39 years ago.
- Our finances are comfortable and secure. The freedom and peace of mind from rightsizing our life is highly rewarding.
- I have the privilege of being a writer and can express my creativity and myself on a regular basis.
- I feel my writing and my other actions are a service to the world providing me with meaning and purpose.
- I love and accept myself to a significant degree.
I realize that not everyone who is 61 can claim these blessings. But should I deny all the good in my life to make others feel better? Or is it necessary to throw us all under the same bus just because they don’t apply to everyone?
Another reason I count myself fortunate is that I have a couple of great role models who live and work nearby who have aged in extremely positive ways. My hometown is near Palm Springs, CA in a desert community long considered a retirement haven in Southern California. One of my friends, a successful restaurateur is opening his second local restaurant this fall. He just turned 80 and wears me out trying to keep up with all he and his wife have going on in their lives. My other friends are a couple, aged 93 and 92, who stay active in business, philanthropy, and life. I have never once heard them call themselves old and I surely don’t think of them that way. They demonstrate repeatedly that an advanced age does not make you old.
Of course, like I said earlier, I do believe that ageism is a problem in our culture. Open any magazine and the majority of people you see are young and predominately Anglo. That is until you come to an article about health, certain pharmaceuticals, and/or insurance and they nearly always depict aged people with gray hair and wrinkles. The implication is that older people should focus on health and security, while younger people get to have all the fun. Rewriting that theme from old age to positive aging is critically needed in my opinion.
The way I see it, we all have two ways to address the ageism prejudice. First, we can require everyone to redefine “old” from the commonly accepted word in use for millennium. Part of that requirement would ask that everyone over the age of 50 (?) to begin calling themselves “old,” 24/7. And regardless of how you feel, what you do, and the circumstances of your life, you just accept that old is what you are.
The second way to address the issue is to start promoting the idea of positive aging. Positive aging does not deny that aging carries certain liabilities. It does not endorse the idea that we go from middle age to death without any experience in between. It does not recommend that we act, dress, talk and live as though we are younger than we are. Instead, it fully embraces the good along with the less than desirable of who we are in the present moment, while still staying actively engaged with life as much as possible.
And it matters. As I’ve written about before, what we think about aging affects us on a mental, emotional and physical manner. Besides impacting our attitude in all sorts of positive ways, a study performed at Yale University by Becca Levy and others reports that people who view positive aging live on average an extra seven and a half years. Yes! You add seven and a half years to your life by holding on to the self-perception that aging is a positive experience rather than a negative one. Which do you choose?
I get it. I know that not everyone is as healthy as they would like to be. When our bodies don’t perform the way they did when we were younger, we tend to compare them in ways that are usually less than positive. But if we neglect to address all the benefici aspects of aging, we make our existence totally reliant on the condition of our bodies. I happen to believe that our true selves are so much more than just that alone.
Perhaps rather than trying to convince ourselves that it is okay to be old, we should instead spend time focusing on what it means to be vibrantly alive at any age. I don’t think that’s ageist, I think that’s SMART. Enthusiasm, curiosity, love of learning, eagerness, excitement and positively anticipating the future all add up to a person who is not only aging well, but someone who will likely be alive seven and a half years later. And while all of us are certainly growing older every single day, I think the SMART choice is to refuse to call yourself old. Instead, I’m going to start calling myself and others I admire, “well-aged.”
Just a thought, months after this originally appeared: I dream of the day when the word “old” is no longer used as a negative, even when well-intentioned. (as in, “I don’t feel old bec.” or “You’re as old as you feel,” “I’ll never be old bec.” Etc.) These brave comments are just whistling past the graveyard. True freedom will be when we can say “I am old,” and it’s okay.
Hi Lynne! Could you tell that I actually played off of your post about using the word “old.” I’m still not convinced that using a word that has so much baggage to it will ever be able to be changed in a positive way. It doesn’t just refer to people–but all sorts products, situations, and even mindsets. I’m convinced we need a NEW word to express positive aging. If you can think of one, let me know! ~Kathy
Yes, you are as old as you feel. I am 66 and my husband and I still have a great sex life (in between aches and pains!). My biggest regret wil be when this finally disappears from our lives – if we live long enough. Meantime, the big thing is – not to sit still for too long. We are both of us practical people, so we are always busy and we try to walk for half an hour a day – and to stand up straight! According to the doc – posture is vital for lower back maintenance. Think about it. When you walk with your shoulders back, stomach in – yours boobs look better!
Hi Anthea! Thanks for your thoughts on this. Yes, having a good sex life is an indication that age has nothing to do with how good you feel! And I happen to know several couples in their well-aged lives who continue to do it far into the future. It does not have to be something that ends any more than walking or standing up straight is…but it does take attention and focus. And I’ve never had a big chest so standing up straight does help me much in that area…but it DOES make me feel better! ~Kathy
Right on, and I think the biggest tool for remaining ageless is being grateful. When we are grateful we don’t bother taking time to think about what’s wrong or worrying about what could go wrong!
Hi Nora! Yes, isn’t gratitude the best cure for no matter what is going on in our lives? It turns everything, and I mean everything, around to the positive. Thanks for highlighting that! ~Kathy
Oh, I am so with you! I can’t imagine even considering you as “old.” I’m always so jazzed to see all that you’re doing!
I’m in your bracket, and don’t feel the slightest old. Again, As Christian Northrup says, is just a number.
And it’s really funny–over the past year, my energy level has skyrocketed so, along with my spiritual practice, that I actually feel better than ever in my life. And so eager to see what comes next!
Thanks for this post, Kathy. I just love it!
Hi Susan! Thank you! I hope to be able to say the same about us both in 10 and 20 years. It doesn’t mean we won’t have an “issue” now and then as it goes, but we don’t have to let that define us or be the story of our lives. And you also hit on something else that’s important….taking your energy AND your spiritual practice to higher and deeper levels is another way to stay continually growing and evolving. So glad to hear things are GREAT in your life and getting better. Yes to what comes next. ~Kathy
Kathy, my heart just jumped up and waltzed reading your post. I totally agree, and believe that “ageing” is just an attitude. And age, just a number. In fact, I remember when I turned 50, I wrote a post about the benefits of ageing. Life is what we make it and with the gift of each new day, it is up to us to choose how we feel.
I like the phrase “positive ageing” and you are such an inspiration. Thank you for such an uplifting and encouraging post!
i was thrilled to see the poll results, how nice that 50.82% think they’re well-aged and getting better every day.
Oh, I just love your header photo!
Hi Vidya! Thank you so much for checking in on this issue from your side of the planet. Are women (and men) as obsessed with youth where you live as they seem to be in Western Cultures? Hopefully we can all turn this around so that people realize that attitude is far more important than a date on a birth certificate. ~Kathy
I’m 47, so not that far behind you, but I just want to say that you are a fantastic role model. 🙂 xo
Hi Laura! What a sweet woman you are! If my age and what I’ve learned through the years can help others and be a good role model then I feel happily on purpose. Thank you and may your ongoing years be as fulfilling and well-aged as possible. ~Kathy
I’m still searching for a term I like. Well-aged sounds like what happens to a piece of cured meat…though if it’s a well-aged bottle of wine/bourbon I could relate to that.
In general I don’t refer to myself as any of them–why use a label? I do relate to your attitude and what you, and readers, have shared. I own my 62 years proudly and take a proactive stance to the fact that I am aging. And I hope that by writing about the aging process and talking openly and comfortably about it that we reduce the stigma and bias around us.
Hi Walker! In case you’re wondering I did think of well-aged as wine (not meat!) I’m hoping we all come up with another word for it — but “old” just doesn’t work for me. And yes, the more of us that write and speak about it the better don’t you think? Times are changing and we need new words to describe the change. ~Kathy
I think many of us these days are “younger’ old people, than our parents and grandparents were. The photos of my mother at my wedding show and oldish woman and she was only 44. I think a lot of that has to do with dress and mannerisms, once you were a mother or grandmother, you dressed and behaved a certain way.
For our generation and certainly the generations following us, that is no longer true. For a start there are far better health and wellbeing options available to us now than our parents had and women (men too) work longer, go to gym classes or have other hobbies that keep them in a younger frame of mind.
But there are still some around who are old and staring into that dark corridor leading to the end of life even in their forties and fifties. They have that “old’ mindset and once they pass a certain age they think and act like elderly people. If their parents or grandparents died early, they think they will too.
I’m 64 and in spite of arthritis and many muscle aches, I don’t feel old. On really bad days I tell people I feel like I’m 84, but for the rest of the time I don’t even think about my age.
Hi River! Thank you for bringing up that issue that we’ve all heard. And that is that if their parents died early or at a certain age they keep telling themselves that they are the same and expecting something similar. I just don’t get that. While I do agree that we have tendencies based upon our genes and our family of origin, there are many new scientific studies that show that there are dozens of other influences that are equally important. Things like diet, exercise, relationships, attitude, etc. add up to at least as important as genes. While I can’t control my family history, I refuse to give up on the things I can influence. Mostly of course is our mindset. And like you, I have good days and others not so great. But I firmly believe that the majority of us get to choose…and I’m staying well-aged! Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
Age is relative. The dictionary defines old as: having lived for a long time; no longer young.
Well define ‘long time’? Who get to decide how many years make up a ‘long time’?
Define: ‘no longer young’? As compared to what? What is the base of the beginning to measure and judge?
In other words, there is no such thing as old. You just merely have the blessing of ‘living’.
And that’s what I am doing. I am living. I am not growing old. I am not getting older. I am not aged. I am merely living. Just like everyone else.
As my blog clearly demonstrates.
Hi Cindi! I completely agree that age is relative. Isn’t everything really? And I also agree that just to live is a blessing and as long as it continues we have so much to be grateful for. The interesting thing about age is that it affects us all so differently and although all of us are indeed just living, we sure express the added years in so many different ways. I don’t mind so much getting older. In fact, as I’ve written about before, I think in so many ways I’m getting better and I’m very happy with that. I am particularly happy that I am not the person that I used to be and if aging is the price, then so be it. Thanks for adding your thoughts. ~Kathy
This is perfect timing to read this, Kathy, as I am lecturing on Aging, Leisure and Well-Being these next two weeks. I mention how Baby Boomers refuse to go to senior community centers because most do not believe they (we) are old. I can’t even begin to tell you the large number of middle-aged (and up!) windsurfers I see every summer, who a. still windsurf like they were 20, and b. look at least 10 years younger in face, body and attitude. I hope we boomers can change this face of aging and redefine it.
I attended a retirement seminar last week where the moderator brought us an essay where the writer was making fun of people he called “the immortals” — people who refuse to believe they are aging and spend their lives walking, running, swimming, skiing, biking, etc. The writer (I forget his name) preferred older people who accepted their physical decline and went into the darkness with grace and equanimity. But I say … just keep on doing your thing. Eventually, it’s true, you won’t be able to do it anymore — whether that comes at age 60 or 80 or 100 — and then you can develop your grace and equanimity.
I think the whole idea is to reframe the word ‘old’. It has always been a bad word in our culture. So we’ve danced around it, calling aging people seniors, older adults, people of a certain age, and worse. There is no acceptable word, it seems, to describe people who are growing older. Language does matter. I don’t know what the answer is, but many of us are concerned about it.
Hi Diane! I completely agree that new words need to be created to fit us all these days. Just like someone, at some time, came up with the name “Baby Boomer” and Gen X and Milleniels, let’s come up with another name for us who are past Midlife but not ready to be senior citizens. I’ve heard a few floating around but nothing has seemed that great to me. If you come up with something, please let me know okay? Meanwhile I’m sticking with “well-aged!” Thanks for your thoughts. ~Kathy
Wonderfully articulated Kathy! I am just your age and everyday when I look at the mirror, it tells me…’you are ageing beautifully.’ I have the same quest, the same enthusiasm to learn more and enjoy every moment. I feel blessed when I know I have all the time in the world to look at the clouds changing their shapes and myriad such natural phenomenon to savour!
Thank you for saying it so well – “well-aged.”
Hi Balroop! Thank you. I’m glad you appreciate my new word “well-aged.” I think so many of us are looking for new words to describe this new place we find ourselves. For whatever reason “midlife” is just not doing it for me so I’m keeping my eyes open. Surely we are all creative enough to reimagine ourselves in new ways as we approach this stage of our lives. There is so much in life to be grateful for and I don’t want to spend any of it wishing things were as they used to be–me included. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
Midlife? No. How about Stage Two?
Perception is everything on age. What we perceive ourselves and what the outer world perceives of us.
My sister has white hair and she gets good and bad from younger people because of it.
I can’t wait to turn 65 because of the cost of self employed health insurance and I can go on Medicare. 20 years ago I never thought I would be looking forward to turning 65 because of the benefits. 65 seemed ancient. Now I embrace my being close to ancient!
Hi Haralee! Yes there are always things that can make us see things in a positive light. And getting Medicare will be one of them for sure (especially after I just got notice that my rates will be going up $230/month next year!!!!!) But keep in mind that my friends who are in their 80s and 90s think you are still YOUNG and not at all “ancient!” ~Kathy
I think you nailed it when you wrote, “advanced age doesn’t make you old.” It really does come down to how we feel about ourselves and our attitude toward life. Sure, our bodies don’t work the way they used to, and our reflection in the mirror is proof positive that we’re not the dewy-skinned young things we were in our twenties. But we are privileged to have made it this far, and the gifts that come with age–so many of which you listed–are far more meaningful than a taut jawline or flat stomach. Great post, Kathy!
Hi Roxanne! Thanks! You know I’m a big one for having a good attitude about things. I do believe it is so very important but still need to remind myself over and over of the good in my life. We ARE privileged and I NEVER want to forget that. ~Kathy
When I think back, it seems that “old” has always been about two decades older than my current age. At sixteen, thirty-six seemed old. However, at fifty-six, seventy-six doesn’t seem as old as thirty-six did to me at sixteen!
Yes, I’m getting older but not old. Age is just a number. I gotta admit that that old woman that keeps popping up in my bathroom mirror kind of freaks me out a little, lol! It keeps blindsiding me……that my outside appearance doesn’t match up with how youthful I feel on the inside. Inside, I feel no different than I did three decades ago……a little wiser, more confident and sure of myself but no different in most respects. Ought to be interesting to see how I feel a couple of decades from now.
Hi Kim. So true! And guess what, it only gets more so that we think “older” isn’t really that old. Of course sometimes I’m around people who tell me how horrible it is to get old and then go through a whole list of what’s going wrong in their life. I cant’ wait to get away from them and I actually feel older just being around them. If the studies are correct that say that our friends and associates affect us more than we know, then it’s good to hang around younger friends OR at least friends who still feel vibrantly alive. And if I’m still blogging a couple of decades from now I’ll do another post and you can let me know. 🙂 ~Kathy
Lol! In a couple of decades, I’ll read your post, reply to you and let you know if 96 is looking like the new 76!
I’ve just turned 60 and some things have certainly changed as evidenced by the questions I’m asked when I purchase travel insurance or renew my driver’s licence. To my 80 yr old friends, I am just a kid. The kids in town refer to me as the old public health nurse. It’s all relative. I am more than a number and do not want to be defined by a number alone. It’s like the dash between the birth and death dates on a grave stone. Lots has gone down in that dash or that number. Now the birthday parties wrap up before midnight instead of starting Fri night and ending on Sunday. That’s ok; been there and bought the t-shirts. I like what you say about being vibrantly alive at any age. My goal is to engage in life.
Hi Mona! Yes, there ARE some very obvious benefits to turning 60+ like some of the discounts that are offered 🙂 But like you, all our friends and business acquaintences that are older definitely think we are still young ones. But what a good reminder right? To realize that in ten years we will be looking back at this time and remembering how we felt, I want to have positive memories don’t you? Let’s be vibrant as long as we can so when we do look back, we realize we made the best of it. ~Kathy
Someone once told me, “Old is always ten years older than you are.” I now think it may be 20 years older than you are. There are days I feel like methuselah but most days I don’t think about age at all. But, if you think you’re old, you are.
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Hi Barbara. Yes! As us babyboomers age we are reinventing the word “old” and the experience of aging. I’ll be curious to see the results of my “poll” from my readers at the end of this to see if you all agree with me. One thing I know for sure is that we can’t avoid it. Eventually, if we continue to live then it will be effecting us one way or another. Being ready to see it in a positive light makes the most sense of all. Because I believe exactly as you say, “if you think you’re old, you are.” ~Kathy
My father in-law used to say that any day that he woke up in the morning was a good day. I admired the fact that he accepted that he was getting older but didn’t sit in his recliner waiting for the Grim Reaper to come knocking on the door.
I had to have a major surgery at 27. There were a lot of things I couldn’t do any more. When I obsessed about what I couldn’t do any more, I was miserable. When I started focusing on what I could do or how I could do things in a different way, well, my overall outlook on life improved. I’m not saying that I don’t have days when I’m aggravated because I want to do a thing that I simply can no longer physically do….. but I don’t obsess over it. I pout about it for a little bit and then move on. Aging is the same way. Focusing on what we’ve lost….looks, figure, athletic ability……is a downward spiral. Focusing on what we CAN do and what we’ve gained……wisdom, confidence, skill, knowledge, a face full of character……is an upward spiral. Upward spirals are definitely better!