Ever had someone say something to you that felt like a punch in your gut? Even worse, ever have someone you care about do something that felt like a sharp knife in your heart? Fortunately, as I’ve gotten older, my extreme reactions are now further and further apart. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that every now and then I still react in ways that are viscerally painful. Then this last week I was listening to a podcast interview of author Brene Brown and she shared something I found brilliant—as well as a perfect exercise to counteract those painful moments that catch us by surprise. And that practice is to remind myself not to believe my “shitty first draft.”
As Brown explains, we all tell ourselves stories all the time. I doubt I have to explain this to anyone who is a writer or who has been reading my blog for any length of time. If we are aware stories are constantly being formed in our minds, we have the choice to do it in ways that either support us and inspire us, or tear us down and scare us to death. Now with Brown’s help I have a new perspective that I had not considered before. It starts with her experience and research showing that whenever we feel threatened by anxiety, fear or loss or whenever our shame is triggered in any way, our brains immediately and automatically demand a story about the situation to help understand it.
The problem is, the fearful primitive part of our brain doesn’t want a story with nuance or uncertainty. According to Brown, our brains usually default to a simple binary answer to the either/or questions of: Danger or safe? Good or bad? Helpful or hurtful? And also according to Brown, our stories usually exaggerate our greatest fears, shame triggers, and insecurities. So even if we remember we are telling ourselves stories about what is happening in the moment, unless we are really conscious we can be startled into a reactionary state and immediately come up with a story that is filled with fear, anger and pain. Let me give you an embarrassing but true example.
A couple of weeks ago Thom and I got together for dinner with friends. We laughed and talked about our plans for the coming summer and had an altogether great time. Or so I thought. A few days later Thom sent a text asking them about one of the plans they had mentioned that we were curious about. No answer. The next day I sent another text. Still no answer. Then, during my morning walk I walked by their house and saw a for sale sign in the yard!
For no other reason than I hadn’t slept well the night before, my brain switched into reactionary mode and I immediately came up with a story that had me convinced that something horrible had been said during dinner and that they were moving out of state without telling us and no longer accepting our phone calls. Remember, the brain isn’t looking for nuance or logic. It simply reacts to input in the most exaggerated way. And I probably don’t need to tell you I have a very dramatic and creative mind that can easily build a mountain out of a molehill.
Fortunately, I had just listened to the podcast interview of Brene Brown and almost as quickly as I had come up with my dramatic rejection story, I told myself, “Well that’s a really shitty first draft.” And it’s true. Not only was my first draft about as negative as it could be, it wasn’t even close to true. But in a moment when we are feeling vulnerable, fearful, or uncertain, we can easily convince ourselves that “danger” is everywhere. That’s why remembering that I was only just telling myself a story about what I “thought” might be true, was the best thing I could do for myself. Of course this is just a minor example, but I’ll bet you get the idea.
Brown then suggests that if we catch ourselves telling a shitty first draft that we ask ourselves, “how can I do a reality check on it?” In other words, if we can take the time to think it through logically and find out what is really happening, we will often discover that our first reaction wasn’t anywhere near the truth. That’s what happened to me when I took the time to talk to our friends and hear their side of my drama.
The problem is, if we keep running that shitty first draft through our minds over and over again, we can (okay I can!) easily come up with a 10-episode mini-series before I’m done! I think a lot of us can. Brown tells the story of how her son was convinced he was the dumbest kid in his class because he got a very low mark on a test. Only after Brown fact-checked the test with his teacher did he realize that the test was a new one and nearly everyone in the class did horribly too. Or what about the stories you might create when looking at all your friends having a fabulous life on Facebook?
Brown also explained how it is so easy to jump to (negative) conclusions with just about anything if we aren’t careful. Again, the trick is to catch ourselves as quickly as possibly whenever we hear that shitty first draft going on in our heads and start on a more positive rewrite. Particularly problematic are close relationships, especially if we are feeling vulnerable. And it is almost always worse when our defenses are down and we aren’t feeling healthy, strong or peaceful.
A key is to stop and pay attention to the story we are telling ourselves in any given situation. And make no mistake, we are telling ourselves stories all day long. The question is: is that story a shitty first draft that hasn’t been fact checked or edited? Or are we telling a well-researched story that accepts compassion, logic and nuance? I also believe that even if all the facts aren’t going in our favor, we still have the ability to do multiple rewrites of any story so that it heads in a more healthy, compassionate and positive direction.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to turn off the storyteller in my mind. Sometimes she can amuse me, inspire me and comfort me just when I need it most. But if I don’t pause and consider whether my first draft is worthy of the life I want to live, then it’s time for a rewrite. The SMART thing to do is to remember that sometimes the story in our head is nothing more than a shitty first draft.
It is so very powerful! To catch ourselves before we attach an emotional reaction to a “shitty first draft”! Our minds are so interesting. I just watched her Netflix special A Call To Courage, I wrote down a few key points to remember. She has such a wonderful way with words. I am grateful for her reminders to pause and consider what we are thinking is likely not true.
Hi Misty! Yes I’m obviously a big fan of Brene Brown too and that is a GREAT special on Netflix. She does help us all to remember many, many important things. ~Kathy
Kathy, I’m also a big fan of Brene Brown. I love the way she takes findings of psychological research and weaves it in with personal anecdotes in a very accessible way. Here’s a personal example of one of my shitty first drafts. I didn’t hear from a friend for an unusually long time. I started to think: “she never bothers to phone. Maybe she doesn’t care about me anymore.” But then I phoned her and found out that the had been going through some really difficult things in her life and had sunk into depression. That’s why she hadn’t phoned. It wasn’t all about me, and I felt bad that I hadn’t called her sooner.
Jude
Hi Jude! Thank you for providing a real world example of how this works on a regular basis. So many times I catch myself thinking something that probably isn’t true and the idea of the “shitty first draft” helps me talk myself down! Whatever works for us right? Especially when it brings us back to a more peaceful and accepting state. ~Kathy
I really like the phrase “shitty first draft” when it comes to our thoughts about life and events and experiences. I guess I’ll be editing my entire life, even when my memoir is done! 🙂
What an interesting topic, Kathy, as I’m sure everyone is guilty of coming up with stories and explanations that are often not true or too negative. That’s why communication is one of the most important qualities in my book, in regards to others as well as to ourselves!
Hi Liesbet! I think if most of us remember that is what we are doing then I so agree that we will be “editing” our entire lives. Sometimes it can lead us to great things…but not ALWAYS. So important to remember right? And I also agree that communication, good communication, is key as well. ~Kathy
That is a good thing to remember. Drama is usually not the answer or reason!
Hi Haralee! I agree that it isn’t the answer or usually the reason…but it can be entertaining as long as we don’t automatically assume it’s true right? In many ways I feel it fuels my creativity…but we have to use it rather than it using us. ~Kathy
As a story teller what I want to know is why was your friends’ house up for sale? And yes, I’ve written some shitty first drafts and done some shitty things in my life–that’s how we learn. That’s how we grow and improve. Here’s hoping your friends are okay and thanks for the post.
Hi Beth! As it turns out our friends bought a new house in the area and that is why they had the sign in their yard. They had mentioned that was a possibility but it happened REALLY fast and that threw me off. They are actually doing fine and like I mentioned, the drama was all mine. And yes, hopefully we all continue to learn as we go right? ~Kathy
Catastrophizing is definitely what is happening, when we fabricate an interpretation of an incident that happens in our lives. And to make matters worse, we tend to make it all about ‘us’! Your story is a perfect illustration of how an innocent event can be personalized to become threatening and negative. I loved it—probably because it sounds so familiar!
Hi Diane! Yes, I’ve known about catastrophizing and even written about it myself–but something about this “story” idea gives me a more practical way to deal with the experience right in the moment. For whatever reason, it really helps me divert the story line. Maybe because if/when I catch myself catastrophizing I tend to judge the experience as true at its core and then blowing it out of proportion. With editing my crappy first draft, I think it helps me realize that a big part of what’s happening probably isn’t even true. Does that make sense? Regardless, anyway we can pause and look at our reactions is a good thing, right? Thanks for your thoughts on this! ~Kathy
To think I’ve always thought I was just a natural born extreme pessimist. I much prefer your explanation.
Hi Caree! Doesn’t it sound better? Maybe yes, maybe no? To say you are a natural born storyteller with a preference for drama and tragedy. Some people make a fortune at doing that Knowing we have choices always helps me. ~Kathy
I think another word for it is “catastrophizing.” And unfortunately, just like you, I’m very good at it.
Hi Tom! Yeah it’s catastrophizing for sure. But even though I’ve known about that word and the reasoning behind it, just knowing about it was nearly as helpful to me as putting it in the story context and then relating to how automatically I can write that crappy first draft. I also like thinking about it as a potential positive too (this IS me remember!). If we dramatize the things that scare us or hurt us, then we can also dramatize the good and optimistic things just as easily. It might not come so “automatically” because of our amygdala (fear center of our brains) but it can be developed with habit don’t you think? So let’s all get good at that huh? ~Kathy
Hi, I do this all the time, but I do get very paranoid. Yes so many stories in my head.. so many shitty first drafts… great post..
Hi Marian! I’ll be this practice would work well with stories that more paranoid too, don’t you think. While it’s not my usually default, I doubt there isn’t one among us who doesn’t have certain triggers that make us paranoid! Let’s just remember to fact check and then rewrite huh? Thanks for your comment. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, I look forward to opening up my email and reading your posts. This post gave me goosebumps. Donna and I briefly discussed Brene Brown last Monday and the concept of “being in the arena.” I brought up a situation where I had received a back handed compliment from someone that does not write, is not in the arena. I now have a name for it. It was likely “a shitty first draft.”
Thank you for sharing your insecurities, vulnerability and just being human. As I have become older, I usually take things in stride, stay calm and not overreact. Occasionally I have a “shitty first draft.”
I have listened to a podcast recently, Dax Shepherd interviewing Brene Brown. I have watched about half of the Brene Brown Netflix special. I plan to finish it. I would love to know the exact podcast you are writing about Kathy. Another great post that resonates with me! 🙂 Erica
Hi Erica! It is very cool how so many of us are interested in the same stuff isn’t it? I suppose that is why we follow each other rather than so many other bloggers out there. It is indeed a “tribe” that I’m happy to be a part of. And I also think it is so important to just admit that we are all just women doing our best with the life we have been given. On one hand I recognize the tremendous benefits I have in my life, but that doesn’t mean my challenges aren’t real or important either. So when I come across something that I find helpful or interesting in my life, why not share it? And yes…Brene Brown comes up with some REALLY helpful stuff 🙂 I’ll have to find that one with Dax Shepard. The one I was listening to was on the GOOP channel by Gwyneth Paltrow. She has some good guests there too and I thought her interview with Brene was excellent. ~Kathy
I agree with you, Kathy, we are all just doing the best with the life we have been given. I appreciate you sharing information. Wisdom has been around forever. Sometimes the teacher appears when the student is ready (or something like that:) Dax Shepard has also interviewed Gwyneth Paltrow recently. A good listen. I have GOOP on my list now. Thank you!
I do this ALL the time. My husband says that it’s part of our psyche to create stories so that things we see or hear make sense. It’s just a shame that the story is often so dramatic and negative isn’t it? I laughed at how your lovely meal together morphed into your friends moving interstate to get away from you! I’m a big fan of Brene Brown and her life teachings but I hadn’t heard the ‘shitty first draft’ before – I’ll be adding it to my collection and doing some rewrites when I catch myself out!
Hi Leanne! Yes it sounds like your husband backs up Brene Brown’s research for sure. And maybe not everyone spins the story in a negative way, but I’m afraid that’s what I’ve done far too often. But for whatever reason, I really like the reasoning and idea beyond this way of dealing with those stories so I’m hoping it will help me over and over again. Good luck to us all! ~Kathy
Isn’t it funny how shitty first drafts are often written when we are stressed or tired (or both)? I will definitely put this phrase in my back pocket so I can take it out when I need to remind myself to take a deep breath. I’ve written plenty of shitty first drafts too. It’s always such a relief when we realize that we’ve totally made something up based on nothing, but wouldn’t it be better if we didn’t put ourselves through it in the first place?
Hi Janis! I actually found it comforting when I heard Brene say that she too tends to jump to (negative) conclusions far too often and definitely gets far more startled by things that other people. I had it happen to me again yesterday at Costco of all places when a man literally yelled at me for accidentally grabbing his cart by mistake. It so threw me off guard I felt emotionally shaken. I immediately started spinning a shitty story but thankfully caught myself…but it wasn’t easy. Being so off guard really threw me. I don’t know that I could ever be so “zen” that I wouldn’t react at first, but a real benefit to me is being able to stop that shitty storyline as quickly as possible. But who knows? I’m MUCH better than I was 20 or 30 years ago so who knows? Maybe in another 20 I won’t let ANYTHING get to me. ~Kathy
I love that as a phrase to use. Of course I write stories…and friends ghosting me is a story to write with myself as the wrong-doer, because of course it’s all about me. Not that I’ve done that recently… oh yeah, I did last week. But yes, how often I can catch myself in the Compare & Despair story, the I’m obviously not good/lovable enough story, or the I’m doing it wrong story. Definitely keeping that phrase handy! It’s another shitty first draft!
Hi Pat! I KNEW we had a lot in common 🙂 I think I’ve written that “Compare & Despair” story a few times. But my favorites tend to be the “not good enough” or the “I’m doing it wrong” story lines. Fortunately I also frequently swing to the “Things are working out for me,” and “I get to make it up” themes as well–I just have to remember that shitty first draft is nearly always a tragedy! Thanks for a good laugh and another way to remember this great practice. ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – I had never really thought about this before. Your example is a good one — anxiety-filled first drafts are so often the case. Fortunately, we have the power to write, fact check and rewrite those drafts. 🙂
Hi Donna! I especially appreciated hearing that Brene admitted that she too tended to startle and react very easily–but that this really worked for her too. Thom doesn’t react nearly as “quickly” as I do and he often wonders why I let it get to me so much. I’m blaming it on my over active imagination but NOW I have something I can do to “create” something more positive. And yeah, who can’t use a bit of editing? ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – I believe that the reaction you described is pretty normal. In the same way that the primitive part of our brain asks “good or bad?”, “safe or danger?”, I believe it can also warn “abnormal pattern….exhibit caution!” I’m glad that there are tools and strategies that we can use to help revise fear-filled first drafts.
Well said! Thanks for adding that. it might be instinctual but we can always work to counteract it if we stay aware!
I so love reading your blog. Thanks for your insight and advice on yet another very relevant topic to my life. 🙂
Hi Cicely! Thank you for letting me know this was helpful to you. Brene Brown always seems to offer me good information but this one I KNEW I had to adopt and practice. May we both get better and better, right? ~Kathy
Loved this blog. Great way to take some insights from a well-known academic and apply it to the real world and our own internal stories. I am a Baby Boomer but only in the last couple of years have I truly understood the power of the stories running through our own head. Good and bad, but often as your story relates so well, incomplete and sometimes totally off-base. Thanks for a wonderful article.
Hi Eric! Thanks. Doesn’t Brene Brown have such great information? She takes all her research and puts it into real world examples in such a helpful way. I know this “practice” will be something I do my best to remember for the rest of my life. I had another chance to practice it again yesterday and caught myself before spinning out of control. I still “headed” in that direction but caught myself and was able to rewrite the story pretty quickly. Not too bad for a beginner, huh? Good luck to us all! ~Kathy