A couple of weeks ago I cohosted a series of four podcasts with Kathe Kline of Rock Your Retirement. Kathe let me pick the topic of each of our discussions. After finding and selecting four articles I thought sounded intriguing, Kathe and I then spent 30 minutes discussing each of them from our individual perspectives. And although the podcasts are currently being edited and won’t be available until August, one of the topics stuck deeply in my mind. That topic is contentment. And while the word and concept sounds vaguely pleasant and benevolent, I must admit that I’m beginning to realize that I’ve overlooked its greater value and importance.
What do I mean by contentment? First let’s look at what it it’s not. From my viewpoint, contentment isn’t:
- Giving in and putting up with whatever is happening.
- Settling for less than what you’ve always wanted.
- Complacency or conformity.
- Pessimism
- Hopelessness
- Lazy, bored or unmotivated behavior.
It was only after reading, talking and thinking about the topic, did I begin to see that true contentment is really a deep-seated sense and appreciation Self. Not in an egoic way, but rather as an abiding acceptance of one’s inherent value and worth. That includes a personal sense of self-fulfillment, meaning, and purpose, along with gratitude for one’s very existence. It has nothing to do with what you look like, how much money you have, your age, whether you are married or single, have kids or not, or perhaps even the condition of your health and body. It can, and often does, exist despite your life circumstances, the political situation in the world, or other events or happenings going on around you. Even when challenged, even when it’s not easy, we can decide to experience the feeling of contentment no matter what!
And the more you think about it, contentment just might precede happiness. After all, if we don’t believe we are good enough or if we constantly crave what we don’t have (or might never have) we will continually struggle. If we can’t stop and find the beauty, or at least goodness, right here in the now, it is pretty much a given that happiness will elude us. If I am not happy being who I am, living where I live, doing what I do most days—then my happiness level goes out the window.
Of course, I can hear the objections—and some I’ve probably used myself. The big arguments against contentment are:
- If we are “content” with what is happening, we will just sit back and never reach our true potential.
- We will never accomplish anything good or important in our lives if we don’t struggle.
- It’s too hard, too painful, and I’ve gone through so much it is impossible to be content.
- The world (our children, our family) will fall apart if we don’t tirelessly fight and struggle to change it/them.
- It’s not fair that other people have more or are luckier than me—or that others get away with horrible things.
- It is wrong for any of us to feel happy and content when there are so many bad things in the world and there are people who need our help.
But again, those objections don’t fit with my newly revised definition of contentment. Those six items are claims that focus on loss and the idea that we, and life itself, is fundamentally flawed and must be fixed. They highlight what is wrong rather than seeking what is good. They ignore the present moment and the value of individual meaning and purpose. They reduce our lives to our productivity and ongoing efforts. They make us human doings—rather than human beings. And perhaps more dangerous, they convince us that we’ll never find peace and happiness unless everything is perfect and lives up to our expectations.
The particular article I selected about contentment for my co-podcast was written by an 88-year-old man named Robert Goldfarb. Goldfarb admits that he recently began to realize that in spite of the fact that he has spent a large portion of his retired life trying to keep his body physically fit and as vibrant as possible, he might have missed something important. That element is embodying contentment and the awareness of mind that comes with it. He supposes, that in spite of the fact that he is elderly and the years will continue to add up, he has the option to choose a state of mind at peace, and to welcome each new situation with gratitude. And perhaps by embracing contentment, Goldfarb believes he will live out the rest of his life in a far happier way, no matter what circumstances lie before him.
I especially appreciated that Goldfarb wasn’t suggesting that growing his sense of contentment would erase any of the challenges he faces (or any of us will) as we age. Instead, he realized that instead of focusing primarily on the muscles in his body, he should perhaps start focusing on the condition of his mental attitude. Going forward he wants to spend the rest of his days focused on those things in life that still worked (in his mind and his body) rather than what he is losing. He wants to celebrate opportunities to spend time with those he loves, to appreciate the beauty he sees around him, and to be a positive inspiration to everyone else. Rather than worry about things he can’t control, or fight against things that bother him on a personal level, he wants to remember that he can choose to experience peace, purpose and contentment, no matter what. He writes, “Aging had to be more than what I saw in the mirror.”
As I’ve mentioned in other blog posts, Thom and I spent the month of June in the mountains above our desert community. At the first of the month I had a list of things I hoped to accomplish. Did I get them all done? Nope. But what I managed to do instead was cultivate a sense of deep-seated, abiding sense of self-acceptance and peace of mind. I sat and listened to the wind whooshing through the trees overhead, the creek babbling nearby, and birds and squirrels playing around me. I hiked and marveled at the vivid greenery and the abundance of wildlife. I allowed myself to feel that just being alive, here and now, was enough. In other words, I luxuriated in contentment. And in my opinion, that was far better than finishing my to-do list.
Can I stay there? Like Goldfarb, I know that circumstances change—I change. My husband Thom and I left the mountain last week and now have new adventures planned. But also like Goldfarb, I believe we can all take steps (some big, some little) towards making those changes in our lives that allow us to experience greater contentment every single day. So I’m guessing that the SMART perspective is to remember the words of Lao Tzu who said,
“Be content with what you have;
rejoice in the way things are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking,
the world belongs to you.”
Amen!
Aaah, contentment. I totally agree that it’s needed for happiness. But, I also think that it’s only possible, long-term, when we are at ease (and at peace) with other factors, like our health, financial state, relationship… Your description of your time in the mountains is the perfect example of being happy in the here and now – not worrying about the future or whenever the moment ends. Just be, in nature and indulge in your surroundings. Yep… that would make me content!
Hi Susan! So nice to hear from you! I’ve missed you and was very happy to see that you are back to posting on your blog at least now and then. (I KNOW you’ve never stopped writing though!) And glad to hear your contentment level is high…that is what we all strive for IMHO! ~Kathy
Contentment, that’s what Chris and I had to keep coming back to during our move to Florida. Whenever anything went wrong (the movers) we would just pause, take a breath, and say, “At least we’re in Florida.” And then we would relax and “let go” of whatever was stressing us.
Hi Jennifer! Yes, isn’t bringing yourself back to present awareness while seeing the “gift” in the moment a good one. Sure stuff happens but we don’t have to keep focused on it! And like you said–you are NOW in Florida! ~Kathy
Love the idea that we can be human beings rather than “human doings”
Hi Caree! Yes, I’m sure you know it’s not “original” to me but ALWAYS deserves to be reminded!!! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
This is the second post I have read recently about contentment…my blogger friend Fritz from Retirement Manifesto recently wrote about how his retirement is about contentment.
Based on my research and the Happiness class that I took, I believe that contentment is a FORM of happiness. We cannot possibly be ecstatically happy or euphoric all of the time. Those feeling come with novelty…like those exciting days of new love, or the honeymoon phase after a marriage.
But contentment is steady and long-lasting, everyday happiness. And I am finding it more and more as I age, and certainly in this new phase of retirement.
Hi Nancy! How great others are writing about this too because I doubt I can be reminded about it enough. It sort of wraps acceptance, gratitude, appreciation, awareness, mindfulness and “be here now” all together. And heaven knows I can use as many reminders of that as possible. And marriage can be a great example…like you said, it can be all giddy in the beginning but it is only after the long experience of being together and deeply loving one another that a sense of connection happens. Thanks for that way of looking at it. ~Kathy
Why is it all spiritual roads seem to lead to acceptance? I find that’s the bottom line for me in any situation and can’t express how much its helped. Great post.
Hi Laurie! So true huh? But acceptance with appreciation and gratitude don’t you think? I think some people equate acceptance to resignation but there is a big difference IMHO. I want to savor my existence with gratitude! ~Kathy
Kathy, I’ve been using that term in my emotional assessment quite a lot lately. Contentment is really how I feel about life. (When I’m not sliding into worry.) However, your definition of “an abiding acceptance of one’s inherent value and worth” gave me pause! I never related my feeling with a positive feeling of self-worth but rather a gratitude for what is (I am truly, truly blessed with what is). Nor do I view a polarity between contentment and productivity. I can be content with a full day of value-based activities or a day spent sitting in the shade reading a book (yesterday, in fact). I guess I have never had negative feeling about the term contentment…. nor about the term acceptance, either. I was intrigued however with your POV and many of the comments. Thanks for sharing a thought provoking post!
Hi Pat! Thanks for your thoughts on this! I agree that you can be content AND productive. But where I think it is a slippery slope is when a person believes their self-worth is tied to being productive. What happens if productivity ends? What happens if a person comes down with an illness and can’t work, loses their job, retires, etc.? If we can separate our worth from what we do we will struggle. As you say, doing things that are meaningful and/or purposeful, regardless of how productive they are or they aren’t, is the key. And as for gratitude, is it possible that genuine gratitude requires a good sense of self worth? If we don’t know or appreciate who we are, then truly feeling grateful might be difficult. Not sure about that but it seems logical? What do you think? ~Kathy
Love this post. I think contentment comes when we have a sense of purpose and are working to fulfill it but not stressing about it. Challenges may happen but they are all part of the process that keeps us curious, engaged and alive.
Hi Rebecca. Yes. Thanks for pointing it out. That was another thing in the article that was mentioned….that being that even if you are rather busy, you can still feel content if you are engaged in a project or work that brings you deep fulfillment. And as you say, challenges can come and go as long as we stay curious, engaged, and alive. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
As I contemplate my own retirement, I’m observing what it means to others. And I see people struggling with that sense that they must still be “productive” in the Western sense, and feeling guilty that they are not – that they are too “busy” enjoying their new free hours instead, to accomplish anything else. And that makes me very sad. Because contentment and enjoying the life you have built is supposed to be the ultimate goal, is it not?
I also see people in my circle who chronically overschedule themselves (even when retired from full time work) and I suspect it’s because they are scared of too much time to stop and think and reflect. They don’t want to face certain things about themselves and their lives, so they keep running and running, away from themselves. Distracting themselves with all of this busy-ness. This is even sadder, to me. Perhaps these are the folks who are trying to make the rest of us feel guilty for not doing the same?
I really enjoyed your post. I plan to be quite a contented retiree and I think I will achieve that goal easily as I already have more than “my share” of guilt-free contentment about my life as it is now.
Thanks!
Deb
Hi Deb! Good for you for finding your contentment in retirement. I’ll bet that people who can find it in retirement also are able to find it beforehand with intention. Hmmmm….I wonder if there is a study about that? And while I believe contentment has been a part of my life (on and off at least!) I want to be more mindful about embracing it. It sounds to me like you’ve got that down. Please remind me if you see me veering off course! ~Kathy
Well, I haven’t retired just yet Kathy. But I am thinking a lot about what it will look like as it is on the horizon.
Hi Deb! Ah, I forgot! But think how ahead of the game feeling content NOW. Surely it will continue no matter how your future unfolds? ~Kathy
That’s what I hope! Thanks Kathy.
Hi Kathy, You always give me lots to think about, in a good way:) I look forward to listening to your podcasts. Contentment is The Happy Place for me. I agree with your description, content this moment in time. “Right here in the now” You likely have heard of Marc & Angel Hack Life. I have been a big fan of their blog for many years. This morning Marc Chernoff’s post used the the words “You are enough right now.” I think this follows along with your message. Thank you again for your candor describing your get away recently and how you had deep feelings of self-acceptance and peace of mind. You remind me of Long Beach on Vancouver Island. We have been camping there every Fall and I call it our “Retreat”. I have the same deep feelings when we are there:)
Hi Erica! Thank you! I’m looking forward to hearing how the podcasts come out too. I will be sure and let everyone know. And yes, I read Marc & Angel’s stuff quite a bit too. The the “enough” I refer to is definitely the same. And funny you mention Long Beach on Vancouver Island….we will be staying a short time in Ucluelet when we come up later this month. We’ll have to visit Long Beach to see one of your happy places! `Kathy
Your post reminded me of a conversation my husband had a while ago with his uncle about our marriage. We were in a big family group and it seemed that everyone had stories that included drama and some angst. Paul said to his uncle that we don’t have a lot of drama in our relationship and sometimes he wondered if maybe we were a little boring. His uncle replied, “don’t confuse boring with contentment.” I really appreciated that observation and think it was very wise. I prefer contentment to drama… and don’t consider our marriage – and our life together – boring at all.
Hi Janis! That’s a good one….”boring!” I could have included that on the list of fallacies, for sure. And that statement, “don’t confuse boring with contentment” says so much. I’ll bet a LOT of people are far more familiar with boredom than they are with contentment too. And I agree about preferring contentment to drama although I have been known to dramatize things a bit when necessary. 🙂 A content marriage is FAR better than a dramatic one! ~Kathy
Love this post! Contentment gets a bad rap. I will just throw it out there, but so does “Pleasant”. I really like the ending quote you use too. It is great for agin!
Thanks Haralee! Now that you mention it, “pleasant” isn’t thought that well of these days either. At any rate, I hope you are having a content and pleasant weekend! ~Kathy
Like some have commented, we all walk that fine line of contentment and productivity, not that these are diametrically opposed to each other, but productivity is quantifiable, whereas, contentment is not. I’ve mentioned before I fall into the productivity trap, always wanting to show something for my time spent. But your description, Kathy, of just sitting in your mountain retreat, feeling the wind in your hair and watching the critters play, is my version of contentment as well! As I write this, it is pretty warm outside on my deck, as I just thought I could sit and contentedly throw the ball for Brodie. Maybe later this evening! Thanks for the inspiration! 🙂
Hi Terri! I wonder if the line between contentment and productivity is all women around the world? I’m guessing not. Likely just western cultures don’t you think? And I’ll bet it wasn’t as prevalent in past generations. But again I’m just guessing. It seems like things have really ramped up in our culture (of course I’m speaking about myself here!) and that it has only been the last couple of decades that we even have to point this out. But on the other hand, I know most women who are mothers work VERY HARD to get everything done–and that hasn’t changed at all. Just hoping that we can all find little windows of contentment to sit in during our days because otherwise the hours rush by and are gone before we know it. I hope you and Brodie (not to mention Hans) had time to contentedly enjoy yourselves today. ~Kathy
Reminds me of the last line of the great Patrick Park song from The OC . . . “I always forget how strange it is just to be alive at all.”
Hi Tom! Great song. I must confess I had never heard it before…I had to go to Youtube….and in many ways the lyrics also fit last week’s post. For example…
“Oh, it’s time to let go of everything we used to know
Ideas that strengthen who we’ve been
It’s time to cut ties that won’t ever free our minds
From the chains and shackles that they’re in”
thanks for the referral! ~Kathy
Kathy,
Your post resonated with me. After reading it I realize that I have been struggling with early retirement specifically being content and happy. I just could not put it in words but I definitely was feeling something.
Late yesterday afternoon after emptying, cleaning and refilling our spa for the 2nd time in less than 2 weeks (yes, on the 4th) I relaxed on a hammock. For an hour I simply enjoyed the view and yes, I was content and happy.
This morning I enjoyed coffee on the deck watching birds feed and bathe.
I have a “to do” list and I will work on it but I realize that there will always be something on that list.
I realize my priorities have shifted from what they were when working. And that is OK. That has been my struggle, shifting priorities.
I am looking forward to listening to the podcasts when they are available
Jamie
Hi Jamie! Yes, isn’t that productivity habit a strong one for most of us? And at least for me, that habit triggers guilt if I’m not living up to what I told myself I should or could be doing. Plus, I think others (not to mention our society) puts that pressure on us too. On the flip side, there is that new perspective that retirement or getting older is all about just kicking back and indulging ourselves but from what I can tell, most retirees are as busy (if not busier!) than they were when they were working. Having a jammed full to-do list whether you work or not, is stressful any way you look at it. And while I didn’t mention the mindfulness word much in this post, how can we be content if we can’t stop and be aware (mindful) of what is happening in the moment. Good luck on your new priorities and may each of us find a way that helps us feel content.
Oh, and thanks for mentioning about the podcast. you KNOW I will let everyone know when they are available to listen to! ~Kathy
You raise several excellent points here, Kathy. I agree that it is easy to fall into the trap of “I can’t be content because I need to challenge myself” or “I can’t be content because I need to change the world.” As you wisely point out, being content with what we have liberates us from constantly longing for what we don’t. Similarly, being content within ourselves gives us the power to stand up against social systems that desperately require change.
Hi Donna! Welcome home from your big trip! I can’t wait to get together with you and hear the details in a couple of weeks. And I’m starting to realize that resting in that place of contentment just might be the “refuel” that so many of us need these days. I’m sure you’ll agree that Facebook & other SM can be crazy with all “news” happening around the world AND/OR all the things the retailers are constantly pushing on us to make us happier. Instead, just taking the time to pause sure recharges me. And yes, then if I feel compelled to act on something I’m not doing it out of fear or panic, but out of choice. Far better for me mentally and likely far more effective wouldn’t you say? I’m sure willing to find out! ~Kathy
It’s funny that you’re writing about contentment Kathy because I wrote about it a couple of weeks ago (https://www.crestingthehill.com.au/2019/06/whats-better-than-happiness.html) It had finally dawned on me that I’d finally reached a point of life where I felt a deep sense of contentment and that it was better than the more up and down feeling that I associate with happiness – less dependent on my immediate circumstances and more to do with being at peace with my choices and where they’d brought me.
I agree that things can change and contentment can leave us, but I think Midlife definitely lends itself to discovering that sweet spot in life where contentment dwells – and I’m enjoying every moment of it!
Hi Leanne! Great minds think alike–or at least I LIKE to believe that story!!! I guess I missed your post on contentment but I’ll have to check it out. It’s another one of those things (like being grateful as much as possible!) that I don’t think we can hear enough about. The more I hear it, the more likely I am to remember to pause, look around, and just BE. And while I might not have been as content in mid-life as I am now, I know it is growing. I can’t wait to experience it more and more as time goes by! ~Kathy