A musician friend named Rudi Harst wrote a song titled, “Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda.” It’s both a catchy tune and a great reminder that feelings of regret can hold us back from living a happy and fulfilled life. But I suspect that one reason why the song makes us laugh and wince at the same time is because we all wish on some level that we could do one or two things differently, that we’d made at least one other choice along the line, or that we’ve neglected to do something we wished we had. Still, what I’ve discovered over the last couple of days is that regret isn’t one of those negative emotions like fear, shame or jealousy that has little or no redeeming value. Instead regret can serve as a signpost for pointing out choices and changes that can help us lead a SMART and happier life—365.
Interestingly enough, regret is a little tricky to define precisely because it isn’t just an emotion. While regret elicits an emotion, it usually comes along with a judgment or appraisal of something—in other words a choice. In countries like the U.S. where we have a great deal of personal freedom in education, work, and relationships, those choices can lead to feelings of regret. In countries where choice and options are limited, far fewer feelings of regret are reported.
More interesting facts about regret comes from Happify.com which claims that 90% of people (in the U.S. at least) admit to a major regret about something in their lives. Regrets can also vary at different ages, and whether you are a man or a woman. For example 44% of women have romantic regrets while only 19% of men share that feeling.
Other facts suggest that regret is most detrimental to seniors and can lead to depression and illness. A big part of that is because many elders believe it is too late to change. Fortunately, younger adults usually feel they have plenty of time to avoid and alter many of their regrets.
Another fascinating tidbit about regret is that it can occur both because of something a person does, or because of something a person didn’t do—in other words, either from our actions or our inactions. According to Thomas Giloviqh and Victoria Husted Medvec from Cornell University, “Actions produce greater regret in the short term; inactions generate more regret in the long run.” Beyond that Giloviqh and Medec report, “The most common regret of action was to “[rush] in too soon.” But, “When people look back on their lives, it is the things they have not done that generate the greatest regret.” In fact, over the long-term, inaction is usually regretted 75% more than regrettable action.
But there is good news. Harvard Healthy Publications explains that regret can be useful no matter what our age when faced directly. The four main benefits of regret are:
- Allows us to make sense of our past experiences;
- Allows us to avoid more or similar mistakes made by others or ourselves;
- Helps us fix our missteps and guide us toward greater fulfillment.
- Helps us improve our relationships with others.
Because we can learn from regrets, it is extremely beneficial to recognize our own blunders and those of others. The book, 30 Life Lessons For Living by Karl Pillemer, Ph.D. offers five suggestions that can help us avoid such regrets. Pillemer interviewed 1,200 senior Americans, average age 78, and they offered the following advice:
- Always be honest. Being honest, trustworthy and “fair and square.” According to Pillemer his “experts” unanimously and vehemently agreed that living otherwise leads to certain and eventual regret.
- Say yes to opportunities. Just like where I mentioned above, most regret comes from inaction rather than our actions. As the quote goes, “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
- Travel more. You know I loved this one! What’s amazing is that most of the “experts” interviewed in the book admitted that they lived rather small and local lives, yet part of them deeply regretted not experiencing new places, new people, or new ideas. As Pillemer says, “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.”
- Choose a mate with extreme care. It’s likely that the most important “choice” we make in our lives is the person we marry. Unfortunately, according to the “experts” we usually make three big mistakes when it comes to our life partners. 1) We think love and lust are the same thing; 2) we commit out of desperation; 3) we commit without thinking much at all. Any one of the three can lead to regret.
- Say it now. According to Pillemer, “…when it comes to deep, long-lasting regret, the experts pointed instead toward things left unsaid.” Their advice? “If you have something to say to someone, do it before it’s too late.”
Another set of “experts” come from palliative care nurse and author Bonnie Ware in her book, The Top Five Regrets of The Dying. They are:
- I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. “Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.”
- I wish I hadn’t worked so hard. “All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”
- I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. “They settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.
- I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. “Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.”
- I wish I had let myself be happier. “Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice.”
According to Happify.com a few current regrets are:
- The biggest regret of all is taking a dissatisfying job just for the money;
- 25% of homeowners have buyer’s remorse.
- 29% of adults under 35 believe they have posted something that could harm their career on social media.
- 25% regret sharing selfies.
- 31% regret their tattoos.
Regret doesn’t have to be something we deny or pretend never happens to us. Instead, regret can be a wake-up call where we realize we’ve made a decision (or two) that is leading us away from the peace and happiness we crave. In fact, if we are still alive and able to read this, we can start right now following the expert advice that I’ve shared above. Letting go of our regrets might not be easy, but the SMART thing to do is to allow it to redirect our lives toward greater happiness, purpose and peace.
Your turn: Has regret taught you anything that helps you be happier today? Please share in the comments below.
I think regrets in life are areal and we all struggle with them. However, it is important to remember that there are ways to overcome these and live with peace of mind. In fact, I view this as a major feat that is worthy of recognition.
Hi Jason! Thanks! So do I. ~Kathy
Having just lost my dad I was thinking through some of these things. Very helpful thanks
Hi Charles! You’re welcome. I’m glad you found some of this helpful after going though a difficult time. ~Kathy
Totally agree with you.
I believe that we must be happy and fun in our life.
Because when we fell sad and especially regret, we will let down and it’s really hard to move on.
Hi Lova! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and I’m glad you found this post helpful. ~Kathy
Everyone experiences regrets once in a while, but at least, we learn the lessons. I cannot agree more when you said that regret is more than just an emotion.You are right. It’s a choice. If you choose to deal with a regret forever, then you’ll deal with it forever.
Hi Sharayelee! Thank your for stopping by SMART Living and share your thoughts on this. I’m glad you agree that when we learn from our experiences they can always turn our regrets to a benefit. As you say, if you choose to deal with it forever, then you’ll be dealing with it forever. ~Kathy
Hi
This post touched my heart. There are very many things in this post that I can associate with. Yes “Regrets” can become pretty dangerous especially when it transcends into “depression” (which it can due to constant frustration). I actually felt scared when reading the Top 5 regrets of the Dying. I was wondering if I would have any. I think its time to do some course correction for me. Thanks for bringing this up
Hi Ganeshkumar! Thanks for your thoughts on this. And thank you for letting me know that it got you thinking about your own life and choices. Hopefully any one of us who wants to look back after a long and happy life can say we avoided them all. Meanwhile, now is the time for us to make sure we don’t! ~Kathy
I do understand today, that all I have done was done due to that it felt correct at time when it was done.
I had a lot of regrets from the past, but I realized that having them made me only unhappy and did not give me anything else than worries.
Today I live by the rule, that I follow my instinct completely.
Sometimes my ” train trip in life ” is on the wrong path but if I did not go how would I know and learn?
Beeing 50 years today is the best time ever.
I can look back and say ” hey I did it my own way and the mistakes or wrong things I experience made me the woman I am today!
Regards
The Swedish woman living in Copenhagen
( smiley 🙂 just because I followed love when I was young an married a Dane.)
Hi Marie Louise! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on ideas of regret. I agree that we all usually do the very best we are capable and yes, sometimes that is making choices that cause us to regret. But just like with the idea of failure, if we learn something valuable about ourselves and our place in the world, then how can it not eventually lead to the good. Of course a big part of it is looking forward and NOT looking back and it sounds like you’ve learned to do that too. And congratulations for following your heart and celebrating the woman you have become! ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy! ~
Great post! I’m amazed every day at the regretful choices I see clients, friends and family making! To avoid this, I ask myself constantly, “How will you feel about this act or decision on your deathbed, Linda?” I may be in for a wild ride at times, but I refuse to have regrets!
Hi Linda! Thank you for coming by SMART Living and sharing some of your “dangerous” wisdom! And you are so right that living dangerously requires a courageous approach to life–but consider the alternative? Much better to take that “wild ride” then regret things when we have no choice. Thanks again for your comment. ~Kathy
Great post, and as a former family therapist, I echo what Gary said about choosing a partner.
I particularly liked “In countries like the U.S. where we have a great deal of personal freedom in education, work, and relationships, those choices can lead to feelings of regret. In countries where choice and options are limited, far fewer feelings of regret are reported.”
I thought of my grandmother. I’ve just finished writing her story and got in touch with her losses and challenges. She suffered through WWI and all the wars that followed in what is now Western Ukraine. I never heard her talk of regret. It wasn’t in her vocabulary. She accepted what life brought her and kept moving forward.
Hi Diana! Thank you so much for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts. Thanks also for confirming the importance of choosing a good partner AND for sharing your Grandmother’s perspective. We tend to take so much of what happens in our country for granted, and although we have many, many advantages, those advantages also have some costs. ~Kathy
As a Marriage and Family Therpist, in choosing mates I see these two most often: commiting out of desperation and commiting without thinking much at all. Lets help our friends and family be patient with this so very important decision.
Hi Gary! Thank you so much for your sharing your experiences with this. I too thought this was fascinating and so very important. And you’re right, the more we can encourage others to be patient and think this important choice through throughly the better! ~Kathy
Something I think that’s important to learn, too, is balance. I used to spend EVERY vacation with family. And I love my family. BUT, I also had a bucket list of places I wanted to go, like the Grand Canyon. I do NOT regret making sure that I got to the Grand Canyon, even though it meant that year, that I didn’t visit with family during my vacation.
As I segue off emergency mode back to regular-life mode, I’m reconnecting with friends , because absolutely, that’s important.
Hi Beverly! I definitely agree that balance is a critical part of a happy life. I think what happens is that most of us teeter so far on one side that we feel compelled to do exactly the opposite just to make up for lost time. Ideally if we can stay balanced the entire time we can avoid the roller coasters. Thanks for that thought….and yes, no matter how difficult our challenges, staying connected to friends is essential. ~Kathy
Great points but my favorite has to be “say it now”. There is no time like the present to make a difference in someone’s life by something as simple as speaking what’s in your heart.
Hi Sandy! Thank you for stopping by SMART Living and leaving a comment. Yes, I too love that reminder for us all to “say it now” while we can. That’s another reason why I like song by John Mayer, “Say what you need to say.” Not only does it allow us like you say to share from our heart, it also helps us be true and authentic to ourself. All important stuff. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. ~Kathy
I agree, Travel More, is definitely one way to avoid regret. But, yes, I agree, regret is harmful, and we would make better use of our time, to use those thoughts to create what we DO want in our lives!
Hi Valen! When I read that travel was one of the things that Pillemer’s “experts” regretted not doing I KNEW that will not be a regret that I have. I have done a lot of it so far and intend to keep on as long as I am able. By learning what others regret late in life I am planning to learn from their lives and not regret a thing. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this! ~Kathy
What a fantastic post … this is one of my favorites so far. I think regret IS a powerful indicator of choices made correctly or incorrectly, and I try to listen to it. And yes, it’s easy to regret wince-inducing moments (I’ve had more than a few embarrassments that could have been avoided), but the main regrets in my life come from not acting when I could or going down a path that seemed easy but wasn’t true to myself. These macro-regrets (if you will) are far more potent than the little things I did wrong along the way, but consequently much better for learning. My best friend always says “What will you wish you’d done when you’re 80?” This doesn’t mean you should blog your bank account on buying the entire the Whole Foods deli section, but rather that seeking out meaningful experience over short-term gratification or the insidious appeal of inaction is always the way to go.
Hi Sarah! Glad you liked this one. I know for sure that when I hear or read about what others have done it always helps me so this was one of those things I wanted to share. And I like your word “macro-regret” to differentiate between those and the tiny micro-regrets that all of us have now and then. In this day and age how can we NOT have a few of them…like yesterday I bought an app for my phone only to discover about 15 minutes later that there was a better and cheaper one available than I just bought. Did I let it ruin my day? Absolutely not. But for the BIG stuff, I want to be prepared and do my very best to avoid them…and like you said, that “meaningful experience over short-term gratification OR the insidious appeal of inaction” is where I want to go too. ~Kathy
Great, insightful tips here, Kathy.
I remember talking to a woman year ago and she told me she started praying for the right partner for her sons before they were born. I LOVE THAT!
Also, I have one regret in life….that I didn’t see Kay’s husband for what he was. Other than that, I have NO regret whatsoever.
Love your words and insight! xx
Hi Kim! Glad you liked these tips…when I read them I knew I wanted to share them. They are GREAT reminders for us all….and yes about choosing our partners as well as we can. Plus I think it is always good to know that the ONE regret you do have is no making you so very helpful to others. ~Kathy
Another great post. I have already seen how past regrets from things I’ve done have helped me learn to make better, more careful choices. And I also try to evaluate major life decisions based on what I might regret leaving undone. For example, my husband and I passed on buying a house because I felt I would regret not taking the opportunity to live abroad and travel more. We ended up doing Peace Corps and I’m so glad we actually went and did it instead of just dreaming about it. “Actions produce greater regret in the short term; inactions generate more regret in the long run.”
Hi Michelle! Thank you for offering a great real-world example of the how we usually regret things we don’t do much more than what we do. Your experiences and travels will be part of your life no matter what. Houses? They come and go! Thanks again for sharing that story. ~Kathy
I think that having picked a good spouse has given me the least regrets in life. I work with too many people who have difficult relationships and it is horrible. This is a must for me to live regret free!
Hi Jodi! Yes, it so makes sense that having a good and compatible spouse makes a big difference in our lives but this sure put it into a good perspective for me. I have long thought that being single would be vastly superior to being in a loveless marriage and this confirmed it. It sounds like we are both fortunate that this will never be a regret for you and me. ~Kathy
Reading this post, two songs popped into my mind: Frank Sinatra’s My Way (Regrets, I’ve had a few…) 🙂 and then Sheryl Crow’s You’re My Favorite Mistake. 🙂
I try not to dwell on regrets, but some of mine are the stuff of which an interesting life has been built. 😉
The concept you describe above about how countries that offer more choices have citizens experiencing more regret — this is very interesting – and makes total sense. Without choice, there isn’t much opportunity to experience regret. Great post, as usual, Kathy!
Hi Nancy! Hahaha…I hadn’t thought of Frank Sinatra but his song does fit…and so does Cheryl’s….it all depends on how we look at it right? And yes, some of those things I wish I might have done a little differently do make for GREAT stories and blog posts–not to mention and interesting life. 🙂
We are actually quite fortunate to live in a country with millions of choices, the challenge is to see them as opportunities and to let go of anything else that might hold us back. Plus, we can always learn from other’s examples: i.e. I for one am NOT getting a tattoo! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
What an interesting topic and you have handled it so well! The figures you have mentioned are quite fascinating. Regrets are universal, people who don’t have much choice in living their life according to their wishes also have a lot of regrets. There is always a decision or two in our lives, which we regret later on but at the time of taking that decision, we feel we are right. Only time and age makes us prudent enough to understand the difference.
I think it is better to acknowledge your regrets and move on. Happiness lies in knowing that we couldn’t have done much at that time and can’t go back in time to change what we regret now. We don’t take such decisions, knowing that we would regret them later. So regret just happens…nobody can elbow it out!
Thanks for sharing a wonderful article.
Hi Balroop! I’m glad this one got you thinking. I so agree that time and age allows us many advantages. I also agree that is is ALWAYS better to acknowledge your regrets, learn from them and move on. One of the worst experiences is to dwell on them over and over and allow depression, guilt and anxiety to overtake you. And you are also correct that none of us makes a choice expecting to regret it–but we can hopefully learn from others that have walked a similar path and help us make wiser choices to begin with. Thanks as always Balroop for your thought on this. ~Kathy
WOW! What an amazing post full of essential information about living life without regret! I only seemed to learn all of this after I bottomed out around age 49. Now I live each day as if it was my last, with no regrets at all!
Hi Laura! Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts on this. Isn’t it amazing that it sometimes takes us a while to get this? I too spent a lot of my younger years chasing around after things I “thought I was supposed to do and want.” I’m now determined to learn from all that and as you say, live “with no regrets at all!” Thanks for your comment. ~Kathy
Second thoughts are always a waste of energy in my opinion…after the fact is “too late.” So best to move on and see what’s next!
Hi Carol! Yes, it’s clear that sitting around thinking about why anyone screwed up can be detrimental, but if it helps us to redirect our course and learn then it CAN be good for us. What’s the saying, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a new result?” Learning from and redirecting our actions can go a LONG way toward a happier life! Thanks as always for your thoughts on this! ~Kathy