As some of you know, both Thom and I are self-employed. I get to be the writer and Thom has been a commercial real estate broker for nearly 30 years. While we both enjoy an incredible amount of freedom with our work, now and then things get challenging.
For example, this last week Thom made a commitment to a project he was working on for a client. But instead of being able to finish it as expected, several new opportunities popped up that demanded attention. Yet rather than enjoy the abundance of new business, he started stressing about not being able to meet his previous commitment. Fortunately when his neck and shoulders constricted like tight rubber bands, and he heard the catch in his breath, he knew it was time to stop and figure out what was going on. That’s when he admitted that his thinking was responsible for his stress. In fact, he had built the jail that was slowly closing in around him.
Ever do that? Do you ever find yourself in a self-imposed prison of circumstances? I say self-imposed because most of the time we are the ones who create it. But instead of recognizing that, and then choosing to either continue or let go with awareness, we stay trapped in a jail that we alone built.
For the most part I’m not talking about the big setbacks or huge obstacles in our lives. We all know of people who have overcome incredible odds and managed to turn themselves around and accomplish outstanding results. Consider a person like Nelson Mandela who spent 27 years of his life in a real-life prison only to come out of it a changed man who went on to liberate his country and become one of the most influential people on the planet. While most of us are inspired by stories like that, the majority of us (yeah me too!) let day-to-day little challenges in our life keep us stuck in ruts and circumstances. Unfortunately, if we don’t stay awake and aware, those small compromises and limited perceptions are like tiny bricks we use to wall ourselves in to a frustrated, tiny and unfulfilled life.
After giving it some thought, I believe there are seven big traps in our lives where we repeatedly lock ourselves up. They are:
#1 Finances and debt. Face it, debt is poverty. It is obvious that far too many people trap themselves in lifestyles that they no longer want, need or can afford. Debt traps us in unfulfilling jobs, hour-after-hour doing things that often suck the life out of us. Uncontrolled spending enslaves us to a life of mediocrity, routine and quiet desperation.
#2 Toxic Relationships. We all know at least one other person that just can’t seem to let go of people in their lives who take advantage of them and sometimes even abuse them. Hopefully the person being abused isn’t you. What makes it even more difficult is when it is a family member. Anyone who is toxic to our physical and mental well-being should be eliminated. To do otherwise is to enslave ourselves.
#3 Work. Forbes Magazine recently did a survey asking people in 189 different countries how they felt about their jobs. According Forbes, nearly 25% of people hate their jobs while 63% are “not engaged.” Forbes interprets that to mean, “Work is more often a source of frustration than one of fulfillment for nearly 90% of the world’s workers.” Surely there is a better way to live?
#4 Addictive Habits and Behaviors. I don’t think there is any doubt that addictions and bad habits are a big area where we remain trapped. If we have a problem here it’s critical we acknowledge it and then take whatever steps necessary to break free.
#5 Fear of change or loss. Whatever we are afraid of has the ability to back us into a corner that keeps getting smaller the longer we live. Remember in most cases that FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real.
#6 Feelings of Unworthiness. Telling yourself you’re not smart enough, young enough, educated enough, talented enough or anything negative is sure to trap you into a crowded jail with lots of peers. Every one of us has value and deserves a life of wellbeing.
#7 Blaming others, refusing to forgive, or feelings of guilt. These negative actions are toxic and leave us feeling victimized and powerless. They each bind us to the past with the mistaken belief that others are responsible for our happiness or our misery.
While most of us don’t “live” regularly in any one of the above “traps” just about all of us experience them now and then. And although it’s not pleasant to admit that we are often responsible for falling into them on occasion, there is one simple but not easy solution to the problem. The way to escape is usually to just change our mind.
Actually, a song with that title came out a number of years ago by a band named Sister Hazel. The lyrics said simply,
“If you want to be somebody else,
If you’re tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind…”
You may not want to be someone else, but if you’re in a mental prison you certainly want to experience something else. And that is often much easier said than done. Still the first critical step is to be able to clearly see what aspect of our thinking got us to where we are. Once there, we can reverse or alter the course of what got us stuck in the first place.
One the finest people I ever read about or heard speak about clarifiying our thinking was a man named Zig Ziglar. Long before most people called themselves personal coaches or self-help gurus, Zig led with his down-to-earth version of motivation to anyone who would listen. He called such thinking, “stinkin-thinkin” and admonished everyone with sayings like, “You are where you are, you are what you are, by what goes into your mind. Change where you are, change what you are, by changing what goes into your mind.”
He also had two classic stories to encourage others to never stay trapped by their challenges. The first one has been called the “Circus Elephant Syndrome.” Basically it tells that baby elephants are routinely trained when very young to be captivated by a secure rope tied to a tether. Because the young elephant is easily contained by the rope, they learn quickly that they cannot pull free without hurting themselves. So they give in and from that time on any rope around their ankle holds them captive. That mindset holds them prisoner even when they grow to be a full-grown elephant that could easily break free. Zig continually reminded, “Don’t be that elephant!”
Another favorite example was his encouragement to be a “flea trainer.” According to Zig, fleas are normally great jumpers. These tiny creatures can jump 8 to 10 inches without much trouble. So if you put them in a jar with a lid, they will start jumping and immediately hit their tiny bodies against the lid. Very quickly they learn not to jump as high so they don’t get hurt. Once that happens you can take the lid off the jar and the fleas will stay in the jar even though they could easily jump out. So what does flea training have to do with it? Flea trainers remind themselves and others that the only thing holding us back from jumping out of our prison is ourselves.
Earlier this week my website crashed. I installed a plug-in like I’ve done hundreds of times before and a message came up on the screen with an ERROR warning, effectively shutting down the entire site. As anyone who works with websites without actually knowing how they work knows, such experiences can be terrifying. But thankfully I was able to stay calm, contact my web host, and over the course of an hour figured out the problem. The situation worked itself out, just as Thom’s did last week. What I mainly had to do was keep my mind out of prison.
Like I say many times here on this blog, I realize that it isn’t easy to change our mind as quickly, easily or as often as I would like. But I think it is so important to keep reminding each other that we have more influence and control over the details of our lives than we normally admit to having. Stuff happens. Things change. Challenges occur. We can’t stop life from unfolding but it’s SMART to know that we always have control over how we respond and where we go from there.
I had not heard of Dr. Emoto — even his name is so perfect for the theories he’s trying to impart!
Thank you for the Zig Ziglar primer! He was definitely one of the originals in that area of training and self-help. And while I hate to admit this to myself, I have found recently that the less I listen to the music that revs me up (alt rock, usually, sometimes a little Metallica thrown in), the less revved up I get when challenges pop up and threaten to send me to one of those jails. I have been listening to a lot of meditation and New Age music for the past couple of months, and it is changing my responses! I do miss Metallica, though.
Hi Laura! Thanks for joining this conversation. And yes, wasn’t Zig a TRUE original?
That’s so funny about your music choices 🙂 I do like alt rock myself but never was drawn to heavy metal. I guess cuz I was raised in southern california I went for the more happy Dobie Brothers and other groups like that 🙂 Have you ever heard of the work done by a Dr. Emoto on “Messages From Water?” While there has been a bit of controversy about it, he believes that the molecules in water are actually effected by the words attached to it….and yes, even the music attached to it. He has photographs of water crystalized after being subjected to heavy metal music. Not pretty. He then contrasts it to crystalized water subjected to meditation music…beautiful. Very interesting work and definitely makes you think…. 🙂 Maybe a song on too by Metallica should be like eating rich chocolate….a little is fine…just don’t overindulge! 🙂
Thanks for stopping by! ~Kathy
This is such a good post, and so in line with everything I’ve been dealing with lately. Too often I trap myself into weird lines of thinking about how much I CAN’T accomplish that are actually fairly divergent from reality, so you best believe no. 6 rings a barn-sized bell. It’s so important to remember that almost every time, WE are the ones who decide what we can and cannot succeed at. The only thing standing in the way is that fake prison. Thanks for another beautiful post, Kathy.
Hi Sarah! Yeah as I mentioned to Carol in my response to her, I keep writing about these topics because I can use as many reminders as I can find! I have been listening to a lot of Law Of Attraction material this year and it seems to be coming at the issue of worthiness from a couple of different directions that I hope to write more about as I go. But at the same time I’m also aware of the continual messages in our culture (and our individual lives) where our “worth” is continually chipped away at. If nothing else, those of us who write about such issues have a duty to encourage each other and all women to break out of that “jail” and be free. Thanks for your thoughts on this as always. ~Kathy
You’ve written a comprehensive list of our traps and pointed out how our thinking makes us nuts. This is seriously true. We do have control and we often forget that. A good reminder.
Hi Carol! I’ve heard said that we speak or write most about what we need to hear ourselves so I obviously need to hear this message myself quite a bit! I know it for sure in my head but I don’t always remember it. I just hope enough others need to hear it as often as I do. Thanks for confirming that! ~Kathy
I believe #7 is the most soul-sucking of your 7 points. Until we let go of blaming others for what’s wrong in our lives, we can never grow and move forward. I learned that years ago in reference to my father. Once I let the blame go, I was able to have a positive relationship with him and also be a much more happy and content person.
Hi Sharon! Yes, isn’t it amazing how so many people go through life blaming other people or circumstances for why they can’t be, and do and have want in their life. I think Carolyn Myss calls it “victimology” How great that you were able to let go of that with your Dad early enough to be able to appreciate him while you could. I like to think that at midlife it is time for us al to put blame, unforgiveness and guilt behind us. ~Kathy
This is an important blog post. I find these traps are in almost everyone’s lives. even in my own. I feel trapped about all of these things from time to time. Last night i got a bit worried about money and almost went into a panic thinking of all the crazy mistakes I have made. Terrible head space! I finally made it to sleep, but I think it made my sleep restless. A new day is starting in a new office and I’m just going to fake it until I make it!
Hi Jodi! Thank you for coming by and joining this conversation! I appreciate that you like this post because you write about this topic a lot yourself on your great blog. And yes, isn’t it crazy that we do this to ourselves all the time even when we know better. But as you said, you caught yourself and know where some of the issues are coming from. Isn’t that always one of the best places to start? I hope you were able to get some good sleep in and that today really is a great new day for you. I hadn’t read yet about your new office so I’ll have to pop over to your site and check it out. Good luck on your new venture and I’ll bet that it will be fabulous! ~Kathy
How blessed your are to work from home & Writing!
What a kick.
Superb, thought-provoking post. I loved it. x
Hi Inner Chick! Yes I actually do feel VERY blessed to be working from home and writing! And you? I know you have a great blog and share many empowering thoughts with lots of women so I hope your day job supports that in every way. Glad you liked the post and hope you are feeling free today and every day! ~Kathy
So did your husband get the new work as well as keep the current client happy? Your item #7 is so key – if we blame others we cannot learn from our mistakes in order to move ahead.
Hi Kymberly! Thanks for coming by SMART Living and joining the conversation. Yes! Thom did get all the new work AND he was still able to keep his current client happy. That’s why it struck me as such a great example because he KNEW that it was mainly him making himself so crazy. And once he got clear about that, he was able to slow down, put things in perspective and realize that his client was responsible for his stress (or calm) he was! And unfortunately I’ve been guilty of doing much of the same thing myself on more than one occasion. That’s why I firmly believe that it isn’t others or even circumstances that lock us in jail–it’s how we are thinking and/or responding. Blame is really a wasted emotion if we really want to progress. Thank you again for your thoughts (and reminders) on this idea! ~Kathy
Thanks as always Kathy. I can identify with your examples and dont’ want to be a flea or elephant. I like your great reminders in #1 about debt and also about change… Glad the site and YOU are working smoothly.
Hi Gary! Ha! Yes, it’s better not to be a flea or an elephant. But I don’t know about you….but I sure need to be reminded of that on a regular basis! And I’m not surprised to see that you agree with me about the debt thing…It sure traps us for sure. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment! ~Kathy
I worked for Hallmark. I was a sales rep. I called on the Hallmark stores. It was a great job and I only left because they transferred me to LA where at that time the cost of living was much higher than Portland Oregon. It was the heyday of Hallmark and when they put on a meeting it was sensational like having Zig. He also talked about his wife who he called ‘the redhead’ but to her face I think he said he called her ‘honey’. He really was motivating in a secular, don’t have to buy books or program kind of way.
Ah…I’ll bet working for Hallmark could be interesting. I thought at one time I should write greeting cards. I can spend hours in a store reading them all (just ask Thom.) And that’s cool that they brought in someone like Zig to speak to you all. I knew he didn’t just speak about real estate but didn’t even imagine at the time how many groups he covered. Back then I don’t think there were that many noteworthy speakers out there. Glad we had the opportunity to hear him when we did. And yes, I agree he gave us all A LOT when he spoke without being pushing about selling his own stuff. A very special man.
Beautiful column Kathy. I think that when you address 1, 2, and 3 then you are fully equipped to leave #4-7 behind. Those first three are the key.
In solving those three things for myself, I reached a new level of peace in my own life where every day is a great one!
Hi Kelly! Thanks for your thoughts on this! I hadn’t thought about how the first three were different before–but looking back they definitely are. I would say the first three are more externally focused while the last three are more internal. I would guess that if I focused more on one group or the other first, it would likewise effect the others automatically. Hmmm…there’s probably an entire other article in just that thought alone. Thank you for that Kelly! And I’m very happy to hear that you’ve managed to create a high level of peace and happiness in your life. Stay FREE! ~Kathy
“But I think it is so important to keep reminding each other that we have more influence and control over the details of our lives than we normally admit to having.” Hear, hear, Kathy! It’s when we fully internalize just how much power we have to change our circumstance that we can start to create magic in our lives. It also drives a ton of accountability, which I’m a big fan of, as you know. 🙂
Hi Nancy! So, so true to keep remembering that Nancy. Even though I KNOW it–I sure need to hear it over and over. Okay, so call me a slow learner. 🙂 As I’ve heard many times it is getting it out of my head and getting it into my soul that challenges me the most. That or maybe a few “midlife moments?” ~Kathy
I am an im-prison-er. I wall myself in all the time. This is a fabulous article. I will be referring back to it again and again! Thank you!
Hi Diane! I’m glad this helped you identify a few ways you’ve kept yourself trapped like we all do! Did you like the graphic I used. Thom actually saw that reflection on the wall of his office the very day he was stressing out about work–and I used it for some of my inspiration on this post. Thanks for stopping by and STAY FREE! ~Kathy
I was talking about this very thing today. I am going to apply cognitive behavioral therapy to what is going on in my life. Replacing one good thought with a bad one, and repeating this until (hopefully) the bad thoughts and emotions are gone.
I loved this post for so many reasons, Kathy. Thank you for writing it.
Hi Cathy! Yes, cognitive behavioral therapy speaks these same issue in much the same way. All these techniques DEFINITELY help us to take out mind off the problem and put it where it can be in a healthy way. Not always easy, but so very important. Thanks for your input on this! ~Kathy
Great thoughts in this blog! I saw Zig Ziglar in the early 80’s when he came and gave a talk to the annual meeting of the company I was working for at the time. I was truly motivated by him. He talked about having a “pity party” for yourself that can stall all positive actions and that keeps you like you say in jail.
Hi Haralee! Yes, wasn’t Zig an amazing man? Thom and I first saw him shortly after we entered the real estate field back in the 80s ourselves? What was your company? Real estate related? He did a lot of work in real estate and lots of other fields so I just wondered.
And yes, his pity party examples were so funny but so true. He may have gone on but his stories will stay with us forever! Thanks for sharing your thoughts! ~Kathy