Years ago, Thom and I went to a seminar to hear “relationship guru” Barbara De Angelis give a lecture. How did we know she was a relationship guru? She had written a book, was doing the lecture circuit and told everyone right up front that she was an expert because she had gone through so many breakups and knew what didn’t work. Sorry? Even at the time Thom and I both knew that we didn’t want to take marriage advice from someone who wasn’t living the ideal experience. De Angelis may have discovered what doesn’t work, but she was only guessing at what did. This week, after celebrating 41 years of marriage with a man I love and appreciate more each and every year, I’ve put down a few thoughts that might be helpful to others. And it never ever hurts to remind ourselves what we are grateful for in our lives.
So here they are:
- It takes effort and intention—yes even after 41 years! I know we all want to think that once we “learn something” we can just put it on the shelf and it will keep on doing its thing. That is not how relationships work. They are living, evolving creations that need to be fed, watered and cared for on a regular basis. I’ve seen lots of people cater to their children, their parents or their friends and almost ignore their spouse or partner. Like a pet or a plant, if you don’t take care of it, we should never be surprised if it wilts and dies.
- Avoid complacency—seek novelty. When a couple first falls in love the brain is flooded with feel-good chemicals like dopamine. Gradually as relationships become more settled and predictable, the surge of chemicals often declines. If we aren’t careful, boredom can set in and that is deadly to relationships. But experiments now
show that simply doing new and novel things together as a couple creates the same boost of chemicals. It’s not just time together that is important, it’s time together doing something new, interesting and with a potential for growth. Taking classes, dancing, creating a business or traveling all qualify for bringing you closer together. Arthur Aron from the University of New York says, “partners who regularly share new experiences report greater boosts in marital happiness than those who simply share pleasant but familiar experiences.” - Make play and laughter a regular part of your lives. “The more you invest in fun and friendship and being there for your partner, the happier the relationship will get over time,” says Howard Markman, a psychologist who co-directs The University of Denver’s Center for Marital and Family Studies. “The correlation between fun and marital happiness is high and significant.” When was the last time you did something fun together?
- Support each other emotionally and stay intimately connected. Who do you go to when you need support? Hopefully, it is the person you live with. In fact, if one person in a relationship holds themselves back, and the other wants and needs comfort and reinforcement, then the quality of that relationship will suffer. Research studies show that if we hold the hand of someone we trust when confronted by pain or anxiety it soothes us physically, mentally and even reduces the pain. And, as James Coan from the University of Virginia says, “When relationships are functioning well, your spouse takes your problem away. If the relationship is not functioning well, this adds an additional problem.”
- Eat together and socialize regularly. Researchers at the University of Oxford last year found that the more that people eat with others, the more likely they are to feel happy and satisfied with their lives. In addition, Professors Geoffry Grief and Kathleen Holtz Deal, both from the University Maryland School of Social Work said that socializing with other couples allows each to stand back and look at our partners with new appreciation. Plus, when you are having fun with people you enjoy you are usually happy, and that happiness is contagious.
- Let go of getting the other person to change and instead change yourself. According to Dr. David Burns in his book, Feeling Good Together the number one reason that relationships fail boils down to blame. He strongly recommends we each take full responsibility for our relationship by saying, “ We all have far more power than we think to transform troubled relationships into loving ones, and this can nearly always be done quickly. But we’ll have to focus entirely on changing ourselves instead of blaming the other person. And although the rewards of intimacy can be enormous, there will be a stiff price to pay. The transformation will require humility, pain, and some hard work.”
- Make it “we” instead of me. It always surprises me when we encounter a couple who continue to keep their lives separate in spite of how long they have been together. When bank accounts, investments, and other important family matters are considered “mine”, not ours, we hold ourselves and our intimacy in check from the other. That might make for an acceptable partnership, but it is a strain on an intimate and committed marriage. Robert Levenson, a professor of psychology at Berkley says, “If we-ness isn’t there by the time you get to fifteen years, you’re in trouble. From my personal perspective, I like to think of Thom and my marriage as a creation that we have created together—and that we both need to care and nurture it if we want it to grow, stay healthy and deepen as the years go by. So far so good.
It is now fairly common knowledge that couples who divorce when they are in their first seven years of marriage usually do so with a lot of drama. They either weren’t compatible in the first place or they can’t figure out how to make it work. In contrast, the divorces of older couples usually happen because one or both of them simply stop caring and drift apart. As author Barbara Bradley Hagerty says, “Young marriages die amid crashing plates and angry words, seasoned marriages usually end with a whimper, when both sides stop trying, when they become disconnected and bored, when they quit investing domestically and look abroad.” Hagerty strongly recommends that we “Engage with verve, because autopilot is death.”
When young, it is tempting to believe that if you find someone you are physically attracted to and share a few interests with, then you’ll make a good couple. But Barbara Bradley Hagerty claims that “marriage research is overwhelming and emphatic on one point: Opposites attract, then attack. People who share personality traits, worldviews, education levels, and conflict styles tend to have happier marriages than those who do not.”
Do Thom and I see everything exactly the same? Not hardly. But we do value each other’s perspective in all things, respect each other deeply, and there is no one I’d rather be with most of the time than him. When we were young there weren’t many examples of truly happy marriages to use as a goal for our own. While we both came from families where our parents stayed together their entire lives, their example was more about comfort and compromise than happiness. Instead, we feel we have created something unique and special and hope our version confirms what is possible for couples over the long run. And never forget, if you want to live something special in your life, the SMART choice is to look for positive examples to learn from and follow.
Okay, your turn. Have you been in a marriage or relationship for a long time? What is it that has helped your love grow and evolve? If not, what do you think might be beneficial in the future? Any and all thoughts on good relationships are welcome in the comments below.
Kathy, I love the wedding photo of you and Thom 41 years ago. Rob and I have been together for 11 years now, and we are happy and very much in love.
I think one of the factors for us is that both of us were single for quite a few years before we met — 12 years for me after I was widowed, and 5 years for him after a divorce. We both had happy, satisfying lives as single people, and I think from that we both learned that we could survive and thrive independently. Sometimes, I think people stay in bad marriages way too long because they are afraid of being alone.
The other thing I/we learned from being single is to not take a relationship for granted. Eleven years later, we still find joy and surprises in being together, and continue to be grateful for the other’s love and companionship.
Jude
Great post, Kathy. These are all well-tested and valuable tips! Where do I start with my comments? There is so much advice and examples to share that I could write a whole post about it myselfl. 🙂
I guess the advice that is most prominent in our relationship is “Avoid complacency—seek novelty” If we go by that guideline, Mark and I have it covered for the rest of our lives, as we do (or see or experience) something new almost every day, because of our lifestyle. I also always want to avoid “taking things for granted”, that’s where boredom sets in and you eventually start drifting apart.
I remember you wrote before about how your partner should be your best friend and that’s where the tip about supporting each other comes in. Yes, we discuss issues (and everything else) with each other first and foremost. Of course, we don’t really have a social network around us. But, we are happy with that in this context.
And, yes, eating together (which we do three times a day) is important. I like it, even when being together 24/7 already. 🙂 And, I love being in the company with friends and sharing meals. You are so right – when we have fun, we are happy!
As far as “change” is concerned, people seem to forget that they fell in love with their partner, because of who he/she was when they met. The need to change people’s personality, to me, is a negative influence within the relationship. Yet, you see this happen all the time… Changing yourself to make your relationship better makes sense, but is a tough one!
“Me vs We” is interesting as well. While you discuss this more in a material and logistic way, I also find it interesting in discussions where one of the two people in the relationship talk about “my son”, or “my honeymoon”, while the partner is present. I would think those are “our” things. On the other hand, I always talk about “we” fixed that issue on the camper, while it was all Mark! 🙂 And, I have no problem when Mark talks about “his” phone.
I can go on about this for a long time, as I really feel like we know what works (for us anyway), having been together for 14 years, and 24/7 from day one. Yet, while some standards are universal, there are personal differences, of course. Mark and I are a team. We have been through a lot together and always figured things out.
My suggestion to a couple before they get married is that they should do something very intensive for a year first, whether it’s working at the same business or going on a backpacking trip. Or even any other means of travel, being in a small space, needing to deal with each other’s emotions and wits for a while…
As an extra tip to what helps for a good relationship is “me-time” or personal quality time where each person in the relationship can focus on what it is they want (to do) during that time. No compromises and not feeling guilty…
Hi Liesbet! Congratulations on your 14 years and yes, like you say, that is actually far more than many who don’t spend nearly as much time together. Of course, Thom and I have been self-employed and worked together for most of our 41 years so we actually have LOTS of that together time as well. And I can say from where I am that if you hang in there and continue to work as a team it will just get better and better from here on out. Also thanks for that great advice of spending lots of “intense time together” early on. I agree that will often make or break you. You’ll know for sure if you (and your partner) are in it 100% and whether you will stick it out when times get tough. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this! ~Kathy
First of all, congratulations. 41 years is epic in today’s world. We have been married 35years. Sometimes it seems like forever, and sometimes it seems like it was yesterday!
Your words here are so true- every bit of it. This should be required reading for anyone about to get married. I am sharing it with both of my daughters who are planning their own weddings. You really understand and put into words just what it takes to succeed in a marriage. Of course every marriage is different, as are the people involved, but I would agree that we have or do these same things. You should share this on bridal websites or in bridal magazines so young people who need it will read it!
Hi Michele! Good on you for 35 years! I think it is so important for those of us who’ve been in long relationships to speak out and let those just getting started know that it is possible–and ways to keep it growing and healthy through the years. Thanks for the suggestion to share it around on other websites or FB feeds for brides or those just getting married. ~Kathy
What a positive and uplifting post to read and after 41 years of being together, Kathy, your relationship bears much wisdom. Even after only 5 years married (almost 10 together), we appreciate where we are because our first marriages suffered. I am always so thrilled to read so many people are hitting their 25th wedding anniversaries and beyond (found out a few at our 40-yr class reunion), quite the accomplishment in these times! Congrats on 41 years and cheers to another! As I told Donna, I will miss seeing you this year, but will live vicariously through your posts 🙂
Hi Terri! You will be missed for sure at our little blogger get-together. Maybe next year. And good for you and Hans for your years together and what you have learned going forward. I sincerely believe that is a key “learning where we miss the mark!” May your future years be filled with happiness and engagement–and I look forward to wishing you a happy 41 many years in the future. ~Kathy
Happy Anniversary! 41 years together is pretty amazing. We’re at 26 ourselves. I posted last week similarly about making marriage work, so you know I love this post and your points. One thing I also know is that we choose to stay together, to do the work. Maybe it’s part of both our core values. Hubby once said “marriage is not 50/50, it’s 100/100”, meaning you need to put 100% effort into it.
It’s wonderful to be with a guy who thinks that way. 🙂
Hi Pat! Congratulations on your 26 years! And thank you for bringing in that important perspective about the level of commitment required of both people in the relationship. I agree with you and your husband that it takes 100% by both of us to make it thrive. Of course, neither one has to do that, but the evidence of less than that by either party will show up sooner or later. And yes! It is wonderful to be with a partner who “gets” that! ~Kathy
Congratulations on having such a wonderful marriage. You are truly lucky. There are a lot of toads in the pond but you found a Prince.
Hi Rebecca! Thank you. Although I would have to point out that while Thom is certainly a prince to me, I’ve actually had other women say something like, “Isn’t he hard to live with?” Of course if truth be told, I’ve thought that about some other friends husbands as well! (I just don’t say that out loud!) hahaha…I think that some men are just right for us but that doesn’t mean they are right for everyone. And I can tell you that I would be the exact same for some men. The challenge is to find a close enough fit and then do what we can to keep melding it together in ways that are positive for both people. Even then, I agree that there is some powerful luck involved. ~Kathy
Happy anniversary and congratulations! 21 years for Bill and me…not counting our other marriages! We’re going through a readjustment phase right now. It’s good, and holds promise, but it’s a little uncomfortable. Yet as you say, these things require attention (work) and you can’t be complacent. The exciting element is the potential for growth, for reassessing what’s needed, and for greater joy in the future.
Hi Lynne! Thank you and as I said to Laura in my response, I know that second marriages and corresponded blended families adds a dynamic that I can only guess at. So good for you for making it for 21 years and most especially, with a mindset that wants to keep figuring it out to make it better in the days ahead. I would never encourage someone to stay in an unhealthy relationship, but I also subscribe to the understanding that unless we heal (or work out) those things in ourselves that keep showing up, we’ll likely just find someone else to mirror that to us. Make sense? LIke the saying, “Wherever you go, there you are.” ~Kathy
Hi Kathy
Happy Anniversary!!
31 years for us. He knocked on my door one afternoon and we’ve been together every since. It’s a second marriage for both of us and bringing together two families has had it’s “interesting moments.”
Today we’re just hanging out. He’s watching football and I’m reading/commenting on blog posts. Sometimes just being in the same space together is enough.
Loved your post
Laura
Hi Laura! Thank you. And congratulations on your 31 years. And I’m sure that blending families adds a “unique” element to the relationship that I can only guess at so good for you on that too. Plus, I so agree that sometimes it is those simple times and places you spending together that are so very special. I’m doing my best NEVER to take any of it for granted. ~Kathy
Opposites attract, then attack. This is so true, it made me laugh out loud! But seriously, Kathy, I loved this post, and all of the insights you shared. And Happy anniversary, BTW—you two are a shining example!
Hi Diane! Isn’t that a great line? Hagerty has some wonderful thoughts in her book that I barely touched on. Glad you enjoyed the post and thank you 🙂 ~Kathy
Congratulations, Kathy, to you and Thom! It’s always heartwarming to see couples celebrating long term marriages and commitments. The two of you look just as sweet together now as you did way back when!
Alan and I have been married for 39 years and I firmly believe that, although couples don’t need to agree on everything (how boring would THAT be?!), shared values do make a solid foundation for what is to come after the vows have been said. Another thing that has kept our marriage rock solid is the sharing of goals – both in supporting each other’s goals and working together toward our family goals. Building a life together and making dreams come true is such an amazing adventure! One of my favorite quotes has always been, “Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” (Antoine de Saint-Exupéry)
Hi Mary! And congratulations to you and your husband on 39. You are right behind us. And I agree that Thom and I don’t always agree either. But those shared values make much of it easier. I also agree that supporting each other’s dreams and being a “cheerleader” for each other is also important. I find it difficult to understand if another couple seems oblivious to the triumphs of their spouse. If we don’t support each other, who will? And I too love that quote. Thank you so much for sharing! ~Kathy
Happy Anniversary. We are at 48 and still learning every day. It is an amazing journey and each day is a gift. Thanks for the reminders, Beth
Neither of us is perfect, but we are perfect for each other. 45 years this summer. 4 kids, 5 grandkids. Family loves get togethers. Thanksgiving will include our brothers, our sisters and most nieces and nephews. 36 or so. Eating at tables, on floors, bedrooms. Outside. Just to be together and live love laugh so all the cousins see what love is all about.
I know it sounds sappy, but we really enjoy “family”.
Hi Jack! Congratulations on your 45! Isn’t it rather amazing to reach that number so relatively fast? And good for you for finding what brings you joy–you know I find that rightsized. And if happy is sappy, then count me in too. ~Kathy
Happy Anniversary, Kathy and Thom! You’ve made some very wise points. I especially like, “avoid complacency and seek novelty.” I agree that trying new things together can greatly add to the strength of a relationship. It also keeps things fresh, and increases fun and adventure. Very nice post!
Hi Donna! Yes, that might be why “Grey Divorce” is growing in our country. Grey Divorce is the increasing number of 50 and older adults now getting divorced. A large law firm recently reported that it used to be just 10% of their clients over 50’s getting divorced every year. Now the percentage is closer to 40%. What I think is happening is that so many adults who are now living far longer than expected look at their lives once the children have left and they are nearing retirement AND asking themselves, “Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life?” If it looks like just another 30 years of routine and putting up with things they never liked in each other, I can’t say that I blame some of them. As you say, we must do our best to “keep things fresh, and increase the fun and adventure.”–for the sake of our marriage and for ourselves. ~Kathy
Happy anniversary, you two! I love when you share something personal in your posts and this one definitely is that. Interesting comparison of young relationship breakups vs. those that die of neglect and becoming stale. We haven’t been married as long as you have (we started late) but we have learned many of the lessons you’ve listed along the way. Fostering good communication and avoiding complacency are biggies… as is choosing well to begin with. You two obviously made a good decision when you chose each other.
Hi Janis! Well I am a big sucker for celebrating just about anything so of course my anniversaries are a good excuse right? And as far as us picking well so many years ago, in some ways I just think we were lucky. (even though I’m not a fan of blind luck.) Naturally, I had done some research before we got together (that part of me hasn’t changed much) so that helped me know some of the qualities that I was looking for. We also both liked to talk so communication came very natural to us. We were also both very adventurous and LOVED to travel so those were admirable qualities. But without some of the current research about what helps couples stay together, I still think we were incredibly fortunate to have found each other and stuck with a few tough times. also like I’ve mentioned before, without kids we decided early on that we would not torture ourselves if it wasn’t a good fit–and in some ways I think that gave us the peace of mind that we were never stuck. If you are doing it for someone else (like children) I think that gives you that “blame” thing that the article refers to. We knew we couldn’t blame anyone but ourselves if it didn’t work. And now look, all these years later. 🙂 ~Kathy
I really think that communication is key and no matter how hard it may be to have the conversation, if something is bothering you, you have to get it out. There have been several times I’ve written things out that I wanted to say to my husband so that I don’t get so emotionally involved in the issue that I forget what I wanted to say. We are at 34 years this year and there have been struggles, especially because he has had some pretty major health issues which totally changed his, and by extension our, lifestyles. We are still adjusting to these changes but talking about it all helps for sure. Your points are right on!
Hi Janet! Thank you so much for adding another thing that is very important. I so agree that being able to communicate with one another REALLY helps. Thom and I are both talkers and do our best to work things we hit road bumps. Again, I don’t believe that it is the road bumps that take down a potential relationship–it’s the apathy or fear of loss. Far better to talk it out. ~Kathy
Great wisdom, thanks.
Thank you Debbie! 🙂
Another great post Kathy! Happy Anniversary! We’re nearing the end of our 22nd year together and all is well! I think shared core values are critical to a long life together — if you have that, the incidentals will work themselves out won’t they.
Hi Janet! Yes those core values are very important. But I personally love the reminder that we can’t just let things “coast” along and expect them to get better (or even to stay the same.) Change happens with everything, our relationships included. Thanks for your thoughts. ~Kathy
Yes, Kathy — I agree that we can’t ‘coast’! I just meant that if we share core values we are more inclined to work together to figure things out. And negotiating the change that comes with time is so important.
No problem Janet! I knew what you meant. 🙂 And anything that helps us be inclined to work together in a relationship is a benefit. As you so wisely say, “negotiating the change that comes with time is so important.” ~Kathy
Happy Anniversary! Great post.
Thanks Haralee!
I was married for 29 years, then got divorced in a Hagerty whimper. Now I’m remarried … going on 8 months. I’ll print out this post and keep it by my desk as a reminder.
Hi Tom! Thanks for sharing your rather “classic” example of many marriages that “wilt”. The good news is that you have another chance to get it right! As Hagerty says, “Engage with verve!” ~Kathy
Wow! Well said. I am new to your blog but really enjoyed this piece. Lots of wisdom, based on intention and not emotions. Well done.
Hi Sherie! Welcome to SMART Living 365! And thank you for letting me know you found the information helpful. I think approaching our relationships with all the great knowledge and recommendations out there is an important way to keep them thriving and healthy. And as we all know, when we are thriving and healthy the positive emotions will follow. Please stop back any time and share your thoughts. ~Kathy
Happy anniversary – 41 years is pretty amazing isn’t it? I think the two of you have it all figured out and should write your own marriage advice book and start doing the lecture circuit! We’re coming up for 36 years and still going strong. There have been a couple of hiccups along the way, but we’ve grown stronger through them and have always been a “we” from the very beginning. I think we’ve become better at allowing each other some healthy space, but also spending quality time together because we like each other and enjoy each other’s company and conversation – so long live love!
Hi Leanne! Hahaha….even with 41 years behind us I don’t consider myself an expert! Like you (and every couple I’ve ever known) we have had some hiccups as well. The key is to learn and grow from them and move on don’t you think? Staying stuck with any mindset isn’t healthy IMHO. Besides, like you sorta said, it is fun to share a life with someone you love AND who loves doing a lot of the things you like too. At 36 years it won’t be long for you to hit 40 as well….the key for us all is to never take each other’s love for granted and appreciate each other every single day. ~Kathy