A couple of weeks ago Thom and I were wandering through used bookstores in nearby Ventura, CA. Thom was on a mission to find a particular book, with me helping to locate it among masses of used books. That’s when I came across Maria Shriver’s latest. The title caught my eye and with such a giveaway price, I couldn’t pass it by. And although I seldom read books authored by celebrities or famous personalities, I’ve Been Thinking…Reflections, Prayers and Meditations for a Meaningful Life certainly sounded SMART to me. Clearly, Shriver comes from a dramatically different world than I do, but I was pleasantly surprised to learn how many thoughts we have in common. In fact, I’m guessing that this notable woman shares a great deal in common with most of us—and her reflections are reminders about how to live a happy and fulfilled life.
For the most part, our culture seems to assume that movie stars or those from famous households have advantages that most of us can only hope to experience. Even if we know logically that tragedy happens to us all regardless of celebrity, it is still easy to imagine the benefits over the challenges. What’s the saying? The grass sure looks greener on the other side.
In contrast, Shriver explains how uniquely challenging it was to grow up as a woman in a powerful and political family. I doubt that few of us know what the pressure is like to be the only daughter in a family with immense expectations for each child. And few of us knows what it is like to be publicly humiliated by the infidelity of our husband and the father of our four children. Sure, we might be beautiful, have plenty of money, and be famous for some of our own work, but as I wrote about last week, that’s no guarantee of happiness.
Instead, Shriver offers a series of ideas that reveal what has helped her find happiness and peace today. Here are twelve that I believe are both SMART and something that many of us (especially women) share in common.
- We are all worthy and deserve a happy life. Shriver says,“We all long to be seen as valuable, no matter how old we are. And we work hard trying to get others to recognize our value, our worth, so often giving them the power to decide if we are, in fact, jewels to be cherished….But the power is actually our own.” In other words, even someone as well-known as Maria Shriver recognizes that we all struggle to believe in our own worth and whether we are deserving. Really loving ourselves doesn’t come automatically to even the wealthy or famous. Ultimately it is our own personal path to become who we are meant to be.
- No matter what happens in our lives, we always have the choice of how we will respond. Shriver says, “When a negative thought pops into my mind, instead of dwelling and ruminating on it, even obsessing over it—I think about how I can turn that negative thought into a positive thought. Or as Maya Angelou says, change the way I think about it.” In other words, choosing to be positive is a skill that can become a habit—even if or when it doesn’t come naturally.
- Writing helps process thoughts, emotions, and the world. Shriver says, “…for me, thinking and then writing about my life and world around me helps me get clear and find peace.” This one might not fit those of you who aren’t writers, but it was refreshing for her to admit how helpful it can be to write out her thoughts.
- We get to make it up. Shriver says, “Who you become as a person is up to you—up to your imagination, your will, your determination, your choices.” I think it is normal for most of us to believe that if we grew up with famous parents and lots of money, that we wouldn’t have a care in the world. Shriver confesses that “No one is immune to some kind of struggle, whether it’s mental, emotional, physical, financial or professional.” Instead, she suggests that you “start where you are –not where you wish you were, but where you are.” She also advocates resiliency, intestinal fortitude and to “visualize ourselves rising—rising above disappointment, rising about failure, rising above a negative mindset.”
- Peace begins within. Shriver says, “Peace in the world will take global leaders coming together, but peace in our own hearts can start today, right now.” In other words, peace begins with each of us—in ourselves, in our homes, in our communities—and then that will radiate out into the world.
- Practicing gratitude is the key to a happy life. Shriver says, “I believe strongly in the power of gratitude.” Shriver admits that having a positive frame of mind doesn’t come easily to her, so she recommends a daily gratitude practice. She believes, “Being thankful can make all the difference in your day.”
- Letting go is a critical skill in creating a happy life. Shriver says, “It’s hard to let go—to let go of things, let go of attachments, let go of beliefs that no longer serve you, let go of old stories you tell yourself, let go of people.” Clearly, letting go is one of Shriver’s biggest challenges. But she has learned that it is far better to flow than fight the changes in our lives. Shriver admits that she normally hangs on to people/things/circumstances because she wants to feel safe and in control. Instead, she reminds herself that “LET GO also means LET’S GO!”
- Forgiveness is a key to loving and letting go. Shriver believes that “…forgiveness is a process and it takes time….it’s letting go of resentment, giving up feeling harmed or damaged. That doesn’t mean the harm or damage didn’t happen. It means that you’re not going to keep revisiting it over and over again, staying stuck in your resentment of the person who caused the harm…Even if it’s you.” Powerful words. And I appreciate how she points out that much of the time, the real forgiveness we need is towards ourselves.
- “Perfection is an illusion…there’s no such thing as a perfect life,” says Shriver. “What we need are meaningful lives. A full and meaningful life requires forgiveness of self for our imperfections—and forgiveness of others for theirs.” Shriver clearly grew up in a family where perfection was expected on many levels. Her honesty in admitting her own flaws reveals how and why letting go is important for us all.
- We must stay true to ourselves and let go of caring what others think of us. Shriver says, “I’m dedicated to building a more conscious, caring, compassionate, and connected world, and I’m trying to do that while also not caring too much about what others think about me and how I live my life.” How refreshing to learn that Shriver shares some of the same struggles as many of us.
- People are basically good. Shriver believes that “…there are far more good people in the world than bad…So let’s not give in to the fear…” While she concedes that we live in difficult times with lots of potential problems, she instead encourages us to work together and help each other in order to create the life and the kind of country we want ours to be.
- In the long run, love always wins. Shriver says, “I’m choosing to focus on the examples of love that I see because that’s what reinforces my belief in humanity. That’s what inspires me to work harder, do more, and focus on hope even more.” As a journalist, Shriver reminds us all that we have a choice—do we look at the terror and fear in the world or do we see the light, the love, the truth—shining through the cracks. The choice is ours.
While I didn’t find any of Shriver’s reflections to be a surprise, I found her honestly sincere. And I was heartened to learn that even a woman with her profile struggles with many of the same issues as many baby boomer women. I think it is also very helpful to remember that deep down inside, no matter who we are or how we were raised, most of us share the same needs—love, letting go of attachments, refusing to care what others think of us, forgiveness, perfectionism, seeing the good no matter what, and inner peace. Messages like this are constantly being offered to us from others who are reaching out a hand, offering to help. Perhaps the SMART action is to accept the help where we find it and then pay it forward whenever we can.
Okay, your turn. Are you a fan of Maria Shriver? Have you read any of her books before? Do you share any of these thoughts and beliefs as I do? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
All of the points from the book that you featured resonate with me. One of my yoga instructors always begins the session with a theme that we can use to guide our practice that day. Then at the end we spend a few minutes reflecting on how we can take that idea with us into our daily life. Last day she talked about needing to repeatedly confront ourselves so that we can open ourselves to the light — or something to that effect. She said it more eloquently. To me, it was another was of suggesting that we let go of our ruminations and emotional dramas to live more fully in the present.
Jude
Hi Jude! I too love it when a yoga teacher helps us set an intention for the class and for the day. Like you say, it is a good reminder. While most of this stuff isn’t new, it is always refreshing and interesting to see how another author shares it. ~Kathy
Maria Shriver reminds us that everyone has a trial (or 2 or 4) to get through but we must continue to live our life. After a 30 year career and being laid off four years ago, I never thought I’d still be unemployed. I’ve applied to more than 500 jobs. Nobody wants you in your 50’s. I have a good life with no income – thank goodness, my spouse has a job. Meanwhile, I’ve redefined myself: I volunteer, I work part-time in a school, I write two blogs. I have grown as a person but I still cannot figure out why the economy is “so good” while many over age 50 cannot find a job. When things were at their lowest, I started putting a virtual reminder on my calendar: “my life has value and meaning.” No one else is going to do it for you. Gratitude is the number one philosophy for coping. Be grateful!
Hi Kelly! Welcome to SMART Living 365! I am sorry that you’ve had a difficult time finding replacement work. I agree that it can sometimes be difficult but as an optimist, I believe that there is always a hope if you are willing to be flexible. However, it sounds like you are fortunate to not need the money and have found other ways to reinvent (reboot!) your life and perhaps that is the most valuable thing you could be doing for yourself at this time. And I so-so-so agree that gratitude is the most important thing that you can be doing in your life each and every day. Good luck in all your endeavors! ~Kathy
I have to admit that I had to ask Mark who Maria Shriver is. I’m not up-to-date with famous personalities. I guess I am living in my own bubble. 🙂 So, I haven’t read any of her books, but all her observations make sense and are recognizable.
I especially relate to the statements that writing things down helps to see things in perspective and offer peace, that we all decide ourselves how we live our lives and that perfectionism doesn’t exist. We all know what would work for a positive attitude and more fulfilling life, but it’s all easier said than done.
Hi Liesbet! Glad that I’ve introduced you to an American woman with LOTS of history–between her family history in politics and non-profits (her mom started the Special Olympics!) and her time in California. Certainly, an interesting woman who is doing lots of good work for women, minorities, equal rights and now with a focus on Alzheimer’s. And I’ll bet she would be the first one to say that having a positive attitude and living through some of her challenges isn’t easy–just that it is doable. Thanks for your comment. ~Kathy
HI Kathy
I’ve always felt Maria Shriver is a strong woman. I’ve not read any of her work but totally agree with the sentiments expressed in the book you highlight here. Many easier said than done. I struggle with “letting go” which of course includes forgiveness and self-acceptance.
Laura
Hi Laura! Thanks for your thoughts on this. I think Maria is the first to admit that some of her thoughts aren’t necessarily easy to implement. And yes, she struggles with many of the same things that most of us do. But like her, I think at our core we are also very “strong.” May we all find the courage to continue. ~Kathy
Like you said and many others echoed, there are no surprises here but instead a reminder that we all have similar challenges. For women in particular, the self-doubt and internal critic are the worst.
I’ve read a lot about the Kennedy family over the years and long ago acknowledged that I would have withered in such a competitive environment. It’s just not my style. It does however remind me that people often confuse perfection and excellence. None of us are perfect – my internal critic reminds me of that on a regular basis – but all of us have the capacity to achieve excellence. It’s as simple as doing the best we can in whatever we do with whatever tools we’ve been given at the time.
Hi Joanne. You are so correct… “people often confuse perfection and excellence.” I completely agree that they often seem interchangeable but aren’t. Far better to strive for excellence without using excellence to beat ourselves up for not doing better. And I also agree that growing up so competitive would have been very difficult for me, too. Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
Interesting and encouraging Kathy I always love your posts which are full of knowledge and lessons to live happy
The points you pulled out certainly resonated with me! It’s interesting to know that even the “rich and famous” have the same personal challenges – practicing positivity, letting go, acknowledging our self-worth. All the points were great reminders…and as a writer, I loved the one about writing it out. I’ve often said my blog is my life coach!
Hi Pat! Yes I agree that most of us realize that the “rich and famous” have their own personal challenges, but I really appreciated the honesty and sincerity of Maria Shriver. She stated it in a way that made me really understand some of the things she had to deal with beyond the obvious. Like you said, so many great reminders as well as the confirmation of that statement, “be kind because you never know what another person is dealing with on any given day.” AND yes to our blogs being the BEST LIFE COACH there is. I love that. ~Kathy
Great post. I gave this book to my new sister-in-law for her birthday. I had given her a book before and I am sure she never read it. This time, she called me to say how much she loved Maria’s words and that she is getting so much from the book. Yes! I read everything, but my sister-in-law opened up to the warmth and sharing that Maria does in her book.
Hi Beth~ Yes, isn’t it interesting how one book will kick with a person and another just be bleh. I think that is the same with our blogs. I KNOW that I don’t appeal to everyone–none of us bloggers do. But it is enough to discover that there are some people out there thinking along the same lines as us (at least part of the time) and that together we can encourage, remind and support each other. I think Maria does that in her way and I think you (and I) do it in our ways as well. And like Maria’s title suggests…let’s all keep thinking! ~Kathy
Kathy, thanks for your reply. You mentioned once being in Ventura. I live in Westlake Village/Thousand Oaks. Just wondering if we could ever meet for lunch somewhere, like in Camarillo. But I think you are in Orange County. Anyway, Have a good one, Beth
Hi Beth! How did I not know you were in Westlake Village/Thousand Oaks? I guess it is a bit hard to keep track of everyone but I’m not sure I ever knew you lived so close. And yes, we are staying in Ventura/Oxnard until mid-August. I would love to have lunch with you sometime if we can work it out. The next two weeks are a bit “full” but why don’t we pick a couple of dates in the next few weeks try to narrow it down and plan it? (Thursday or Fridays are best for me. ) I hope it works out….it would be wonderful to meet in person. ~Kathy
Such wise words from Maria Shriver, Kathy! Thank you for sharing this. I’ve always held her in high esteem as a journalist and all-around wise woman! Glad you found Thom’s book and hope the temps in Ventura are at least a little cooler than Palm Desert. My brother reported the temps at a 115 degrees in East San Diego county yesterday, while were are hitting another round of 100+ in NorCal (and with some icky humidity to boot)! Hard to get away from the heat anywhere!
Hi Terri! Yes we are enjoying our time at the beach and YES the temps are MUCH cooler than Palm Desert! Here near the water it’s staying in the low 80s…warm but not miserable. I think it is 116 in the desert. But for it to be 115 East of San Diego is BRUTAL. At least in the desert people are prepared for the heat. And yeah 100 degrees up by you isn’t fun either. Try to stay cool yourself! ~Kathy
You could almost write a blog post on each of those points couldn’t you Kathy? I think they’re all lessons I’ve learned over the last decade – especially when it comes to taking responsibility for our own lives and living proactively and with gratitude. Interesting how the rich and famous can come to the same conclusions if they have the time and depth to think about it!
Hi Leanne! So true! There were actually even more ideas in the book but as usual, I just picked the ones I liked best 😉 Isn’t that just one of the best things about blogging? Everywhere we look there are ideas for blog posts! I’d also bet that every one of us (rich or poor) would come to many of the same conclusions if we just take the time to think about it. ~Kathy
Am I the only male here? Anyway, I must admit, I have nothing in common with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Hi Tom! Thanks for being the “brave” male among all us women. I KNOW you aren’t the only man who reads but I’m guessing most prefer to stay silent and lack your sense of humor. Thanks for keeping things light! 🙂 ~Kathy
“While I didn’t find any of Shriver’s reflections to be a surprise…” True, and yet, this was one of those days when a special blog post hits me anew. I think sometimes we need to review the old truths, to hear them again. They sink in all over again.
Kathy, you have such a can-do attitude about life. This post gave me a boost. MS says, “Who you become as a person is up to you—up to your imagination, your will, your determination, your choices.” I think I am who I am at 64, but I still strive to find peace and self-determination. This helped me. Thanks for posting it!
Hi Lynne! I definitely need to hear the old truths, over and over again. That’s probably why I write about them over and over again 🙂 I’m glad I’m not the only one who needs that. I also appreciate you telling me it gave you a boost. Isn’t that what I hope all of us writers and readers are doing? Sharing what we know, encouraging each other, soothing each other when needed, and championing each other when necessary–oh and maintaining that peace and self-determination as much as possible. May your weekend be a reflection of all that. ~Kathy
I always liked Maria and I was skeptical when she married Arnold. She stayed true. Her writings and work with the elderly and dementia are good works from a good doer from a good doer family.
Hi Haralee! Yes, it was an interesting attraction with her and Arnold. Wierd how some things turn out. And yes to the fact that she is so active in the world and doing good. She is REALLY devoted to her Alzheimer’s work especially after watching her father’s decline for many years. I can’t help but wonder what she thinks of that book I reviewed a couple of week’s ago. Surely she is reading and exploring everything she can get her hands on–and she is especially concerned by how many woman struggle with the issue. I am grateful she is making it such a priority and appreciate all the GOOD that she and the rest of her family has done through the years. Thanks for the thoughts. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
There was a time when I would have considered a book like Maria’s to be something cooked up by a publishing company – self-help by a famous person tends to sell, especially when it’s written in list or sound bite form.
I would have thought that in the ‘old’ days – as in half a dozen years ago. Now, because I know how difficult it is to write personally and well; because Shriver has a blog when, like us, there’s nothing to stop her from just quietly living her life and ignoring the needs of others – because of those things and more, I do admire that she took the time and made the effort to articulate her thoughts.
And of course I agree with all of her points, and especially like her thought about writing because that’s so true for me too.
Hi Karen! Yes, I agree that sometimes a celebrities book looks like it is just another marketing ploy…that makes me think of a current “novel” by an ex-president. 🙂 But I really felt that Maria offered her thoughts in personal and sincere ways. She didn’t try to sugarcoat her life or herself and that’s always refreshing. And I don’t know about you…but I continually like to be reminded of certain essential truths. As long as people write about them from their unique perspective, I almost always appreciate them. And YES…she expressed her need to write in a way that I could definitely relate to. ~Kathy
I have always liked Maria Shriver, but I didn’t realize she was one of us! 😉
Good reminders about positive thinking and letting go. I went through a very nightmarish situation at my job this past year, where I was repeatedly physically and sexually abused. After I went on leave back in March, I spent a lot of time processing and going through all the emotions involved. (Lots of therapy and yoga!) I told my story to anyone who would listen, until one day I realized that I could change my focus to the opportunities that lie before me. Staying angry, bitter, and traumatized was a choice. I had never been happy in my job, and here was an opportunity to create something new, to find my real passions. I used the time off of work to create a calm, peaceful home and cook wonderful, nourishing food for my family. I signed up for a million e-courses on “Daily Om,” read all the books I had been planning on reading, and lost 25 pounds with Weight Watchers. I saw that my closest friends were stuck in negativity, and that, no matter what I did, I reverted to my old ways of thinking and acting when I was around them. Letting them go was painful, but I have found new, positive friends who lift me up! (We lift each other up!)
I wish people understood that their thoughts really do create their reality.
Hi Bethany! Good for you for coming through such a difficult time and finding the good on the other side. While none of us ever wish for trauma to happen, it can often (if we are open and willing) lead to some very good growth–and it sounds like you made the most of it. And yes, I think a big part of that is letting go of behaviors that keep us stuck and people who either don’t/can’t support us or worse, drag us down. Remembering that we have such a powerful influence on our “world” is a big key. Thank you for sharing your personal experience with us. ~Kathy
I was first introduced to Maria Shriver on the Oprah show and admired her quiet dignity, as Janis says. We can only imagine what it was like to grow up in the Kennedy family or any other such notorious family. My friend and I often commiserate on how we’re challenged with living up to or living down a family “reputation”. I’m reminded of what Jane Fonda said about the need to be whole, not perfect.
Hi Mona! Nice to hear your thoughts on this. And yes, I actually first heard about this book from a podcast interview by Oprah. I’m pretty certain that was a big reason why I decided to buy the book in the store… and the title was a catch too. And I appreciate that line from Jane…so important for us all to reach for wholeness (not perfection.) ~Kathy
No surprises, but a great review of some of the truths we have accumulated along the way! It reaffirms my belief that we are all basically the same, no matter what course our lives have taken. Her second point is my favorite—and I agree that we always have a choice.
Hi Diane! Yes…isn’t it always good to recognize others who face many of the same struggles but have found so many of the same truths to sustain us? I thought it very interesting to read that she is actually much more of a pessimist than I am, but that she recognizes it and works to overcome it. One of the best things about her books is the fact that she reaches an audience that may or may not ever find our blogs. Further proof that we all just need to put the message out there and the right people will find us. Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
I have always been impressed with Maria Shiver and admired her quiet dignity as her ex-husband caused her so much pain and public humiliation. I’ve never read a book by her, though. I agree that none of those points are earth shattering but all are important to living a happy life. I’m going to check out her Sunday newsletter as Barbara suggested.
I’m curious… did Thom find his book?
Hi Janis! Actually, I found the book for him…I think I am a better huntress 🙂 It was very serendipitous actually because after going to about 3 used bookstores we found one that said they thought the book was in stock but not sure where to look. For some reason I was standing by the comedy section–which I never look at–and there right in front of me was the book he was looking for about the Tao. Definitely not in the “right” category but “right” where I needed to find it! And yes, I think Maria Shriver has a lot of wisdom in her.
And how are you doing on your trip? I can’t wait to read about your travels!!! ~Kathy
Travels are great! I will post when I return (an agreement I have made with my husband).
I don’t blame you at all. It is much more gratifying to just enjoy the moment.
Kathy, you may be interested to know that she has a weekly newsletter that I receive every Sunday. It’s called Maria Shriver’s Sunday paper and always begins with “I’ve been thinking”…
Hi Barbara! Oh, good to know about her weekly updates–thanks. I got the impression from the book that her chapters were bits and pieces from her website. (sort of what I do with my blog-to-books?) Like so many people, I enjoy reading certain things (especially when they are around a certain theme) when they are in book form. ~Kathy
Kathy – just the title alone draws me in. I know very little about Maria Shiver and have never read her work. I appreciate your summary of her ideas. As you say, none of these thoughts are surprising or ‘earth-shattering’ but it is in hearing others tell their truth that what might sound cliche becomes real and we realize we are not alone. I think that is what I also appreciated about Shonda Rhimes “Year of Yes” that I reflected on yesterday. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Janet! I’m glad to know I wasn’t the only one who never before considered that Maria Shriver and I had a lot in common. And yes, I think by recognizing that it helps us remember that we are more alike than not, and that, like you say, “we realize we are not alone.” I will DEFINITELY have to check out your “year of yes”…I like the sound of that. ~Kathy