Happiness research by Harvard professor Daniel Gilbert teaches that most of us aren’t good at predicting how happy we will be in the future. Not only are our predictions based upon current feelings and events, they also flow out of our previous experiences—none of which necessarily explains what will happen, or how we will feel, far into the future. Instead, Gilbert recommends that we study and learn from those who are living the experience we say we want to mimic. Could it be that only the oldest of old living today can offer us clues about living a very long and happy life? That’s exactly what John Leland suggests in his new book, Happiness is a Choice You Make: Lessons from a year among the oldest old. For those of us who see a very long life as a gift we want to embrace, this book is a window into the wisdom of several elders with a great deal to teach.
Author John Leland is a reporter at The New York Times. There he wrote a series of articles over the course of a year about six older adults over the age of 85 that eventually became this book. He readily admits that when first given the assignment he expected the series to be about the difficulties and downsides to aging in a personal way. And although downsides existed, what he learned from the adults he interviewed was an underestimated wisdom and contentment in spite of their diverse circumstances and personalities. And, as you might guess from the title, he came to see “the late stages of life as unexpectedly rich and the elderly as incomparably wise.”
While I can’t begin to share the unique and heartwarming personalities that Leland reveals throughout the book, I can offer ten lessons I discovered in the pages. They are:
- What we think about happiness, contentment, and peace-of-mind is a perspective of age. Until now I never considered how happiness changes as we change along with our circumstances. But it makes sense, doesn’t it? What I thought made me happy at 8 was far different than what made me happy at 18, 29, or 40. Obviously at my current age of 62, and what makes me happy now, will shift as the years go by. Sure, some things might remain, but we would be wrong to believe that what it takes to make any of us happy today will do the same at 90. Each of our wants and needs will change, but that doesn’t make them bad—just different. Indeed, most of us will be far more content than we are now.
- What we hear about aging is far more disastrous than the reality. Leland claims, “contrary to stereotypes, most old people aren’t sick and frail.” In fact, he goes on to repeat what I’ve confirmed in several other publications that most are living independently in greater numbers and in better health than at any time in the past. He says, “At eighty-five and up only 11 percent live in a nursing home or similar facility, and almost two-thirds say they don’t have trouble caring for themselves.” Unfortunately, “the least healthy get the most attention.” And while there are certainly tragic cases of health and poverty, that is by far the minority. It’s time to stop scaring ourselves about getting old.
- Aging is not a problem to be solved. Most of us at a younger age (even my age at 62) can view advanced aging as filled with loss—mental, physical and even emotional—and we want to ‘fix it’ and make it acceptable to us as we are now. But this book suggests that prolonged age asks us to switch our focus from it being a problem to beginning to recognize the benefits of a long life. Advantages like the ability to focus and feel positive emotions far more than negatives, a selective memory that allows us to focus on what is pleasant rather than unpleasant, and far less attention to material things or superficial matters. In fact, one current study shows that older brains resemble the brains of those who meditate. How great is that?
- It’s important to feel useful at any age—but especially at advanced age. And part of that feeling of being useful is recognizing that it will eventually be necessary for us to accept help from others. As the author says, “Allowing the other person to do something for you, rather than insisting on doing it yourself—is a kind of giving…True generosity includes enabling others to be generous.”
- Gratitude is not a reaction to what’s going on—it is a way at looking at the world. Anyone who is able to make gratitude a habit will magnify the pleasure, however small, and leave less room for complaint or envy. Instead of defining ourselves by our losses or hardships, we can instead choose to focus and be thankful for the good we find.
- We hold the power to make ourselves happy by choosing among the stuff available to us. By learning to be more flexible, adaptable, and to recalibrate our goals, we have the ability to decide what makes a life worth living. In other words, we can be happy in spite of our circumstances, not because of them.
- Death often gives life its value. Accepting that death will come sooner rather than later at a certain age does not diminish the value of our lives—in many cases, it makes each day more precious. The older we get the more we recognize the merit in finding peace, contentment, and happiness in the moment, no matter what the circumstance.
- As we age, developing interdependence may be far better than independence. What is interdependence? Leland describes it as, “accepting help with gratitude.” Recognizing that we need other people. Interdependence allows us to survive whatever hardships come our way without letting them define the quality of our life.
- Those who create a purpose that sustains them through latter life will benefit the most. Whatever it is, big or small, “make it a passion, not a hobby.” Ongoing studies continue to report that those with a strong sense of purpose have far better health and fuller, happier lives, than those without.
- Never, ever forget how amazing, really amazing life is—no matter what your age. As Leland says, “Even as their worlds got smaller, their capacity for amazement did not desert them; little delights were not so little. Wonder, too, is a choice you make.” Instead of measuring each day by what we do or get out of it, maybe we should just recognize how miraculous it is to greet the arrival of another day.
Another thing I picked up after reading this book was how closely the lessons from these people touched on a form of rightsizing. Let go of what doesn’t matter—and focus on what does. I guess I could call it, rightsizing your age. Leland goes on to say, “Whether you are twenty-five or eighty-five we can choose to live in the things that warm us—in love, humor, compassion, empathy, a supportive arm—not because they make life easy, but because they do the most for us when life is hard.”
As I mentioned above, my biggest takeaway is how it is nearly impossible for us to even imagine what we will feel like or what will seem important to us twenty, thirty, or more years in the future. We will be different, life will be different, and things change. As I’ve written about before, how we view aging (like looking forward to, rather than being afraid of) does help to set us up for a positive outlook. And yes, we need to stay as healthy and as active as we can. But beyond that, being open, flexible and adaptable will be some of the greatest skills we can adopt as we move into advanced old age. Plus, it would likely be SMART to seek time with those elders who have so much to share about living happily in the place we all hope to find ourselves one day.
Okay your turn: What are your thoughts about getting older? Are you open to what good you will find or does it seem like a scary thought? Do you spend any time with people who are 20 or 30 years older than you? Do you know people in advanced old age that are doing well and seem happy? Please share any personal thoughts on this in the comments below.
Hi Kathy. Thank you for your review and introducing this book to us. I think it is
so important to have an attitude of gratitude while embracing every season of life. I have a 91 year old mother who recently moved into assisted living, is adjusting to the loss of independence, and truly misses her home. It can be a struggle, but she has met many nice people to socialize with and enjoys the activities offered. In time I hope she will find her passion or purpose in being
the light she is, to those around her. Thanks again Kathy. (I plan to get the book).
Hi Susan! Welcome to SMART Living 365! Thank you for checking in and letting me know you appreciated hearing about this book. And yes! Isn’t gratitude an amazing cure for so many things in our lives? It sounds like your mother is an excellent role model for you and I consider you very fortunate indeed! I’m sure that watching how she adjusts and overcomes many of the challenges she is facing, will help you and the rest of your family do the same. And I’m also hoping the book will help us all make better choices in our lives. Thanks again for your comment. ~Kathy
nice sharing Kathy Gottberg. your post is Awesome. thanks for sharing this.
Hi Kathy, thanks for the 10 lessons, very informative. At 70, I have to say that sometimes it is scary, especially when I start thinking that, if I’m lucky, I will have maybe 10-12 years productive years left. But then I also realize that I’m lucky to have found a passion when I turned 54, adapting my creative brain from oil painting to learning and designing websites. I hope I can continue doing it until I can’t type or use the mouse anymore 🙂 My parents’ generation was much older than we are at the same age. I have a few acquaintances that are much older but very active still. One is late 80’s and still walks her dog every day. It’s so nice to see her enjoy each day.
Hi Lise! Thank you so much for sharing your personal example with us. But from everything I have been reading you likely have double the amount of years left–especially with all the proactive things you are doing to stay active and limber. But one thing I have also read is that when we believe that we have all the time in the world we will not always appreciate the time that we do have. But being more aware of our more limited time, I think we all have the opportunity to cherish it more. And yes, let’s do like your friend who is enjoying each and every day that comes. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy this is a very timely post for me and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. You’ve listed some great lessons we should all take note of. My husband and I still spend time with younger ones and enjoy the interactions. My parents in law are in their mid 80s and still living very comfortably in their own home, active and content. It bodes well for our future! Thanks for this very inspiring post.
Hi Debbie! I’m glad you liked it. No matter what our age, it is so important to keep reminding each other that life can continue to be good and joyful no matter what our age. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy I truly loved this post and I can agree on many points because I volunteer at the aged care facility where my MIL lives. She is almost 92 and a year ago her world was falling apart after having lost her husband of 70 years and contracting shingles. Since moving to the home a year ago her life has done a 360 and she is vibrant, happy and taking part in everything. We can learn so much from the oldest of old and I really like your term ‘rightsizing your age’.
Hi Sue! It sounds like your MIL is a wonderful woman. I think there is so much we can learn from those who are older than us regardless of our age. Let’s keep remembering that, right? ~Kathy
In mainstream North America, we seem to have developed such a negative narrative about aging and the elderly. In contrast, many other cultures deeply respect their elders and value their wisdom. I have had the opportunity to work with First Nations (North American Indian) communities quite a bit, and to learn from some wise indigenous Elders. I wonder if elderly people in mainstream culture would be even happier and live longer if they were valued more and their knowlege was sought out? Although I fear old age less now that I used to, I still worry about becoming sidelined – irrelevant, patronized, helpless, pitied.
Jude
Hi Jude! Thank you for your thoughts on this. I so agree that the “old” (pun intended) message of older people was one of irrelevancy, pity, etc. The good news is there is an avalanche of new articles, research and information on the value and benefits of aging coming down the road that helps to turn that old message on it’s heels. That’s why I think it is so important for me to keep seeking out such information and sharing it with others. I believe we all need to keep reminding it to each other. Let me know if you EVER find stuff to share! ~Kathy
I think the most profound lesson I took away from this book was this: we don’t know what we don’t know! We THINK we know what oldest age will be like, but the book suggests that something changes in our thinking, maybe even in our brain chemistry, with the result that we may gain coping skills at a level higher than we’d ever imagined. I talked to Mom (93) about this. She inadvertently modeled exactly what Leland was talking about. When I told her, she nodded, realizing it was true, without having done it consciously.
We are so poorly informed! Yet the silver lining is, it’s not as bad and possibly much better a time of life than anybody (younger) thinks.
Leland says most of what we know about the oldest old is told to us by younger people. This book changes that. A fine read, and a fine writeup, Kathy.
Hi Lynne! Yes. Thank you so much for your thoughts and your personal experience with your mom. I first learned about this book from you and so appreciate the nudge to read it because it really woke me up to the thoughts you mention. And you wrote a great review of the book too…am hoping the thoughts from this book become more and more mainstream as we share it around. ~Kathy
Absolutely, life as an older person is not as frightening as it is portrayed. Your observations are spot on. We need to stop scaring ourselves with false information about aging!
Hi Diane! Thank you for confirming what we now know to be true. I must confess though, I “used” to believe all that news about how scary it was and how we are all headed downhill as time goes by. How wrong I was! Now I’m doing my best to spread the news about the opposite and hope that everyone hears it. Still, there is a lot of “fake news” about it running around so we must continually do our best–so please remind me if you ever see me heading off track! ~Kathy
I hope to be the example to my children that my mother was for me. She continued to work into her 80s and then traveled to Eastern Europe with her sister after retiring In her early 90s dementia began and yet she did her best to rally by reading books and doing puzzles. My biggest fear, next to developing dementia, is experiencing prejudice that sometimes comes with aging. That’s why I feel it is so important to be open to new ideas and to read and be aware of the faults and virtues of one’s society. We can laugh at the cartoon character Maxine, but we don’t want to become her.
Hi Beth! Wow! Your mom sounds like she was an amazing woman and definitely offered you a positive role model. And thank you for bringing up the idea that we are the models for our children, grandchildren and every younger person we meet. Are you adding to fear or misconception, or not? Something I didn’t mention in the article was that a study was done asking people with dementia and/or Alzheimers if they were happy or not (basically the same questions they asked similar age groups) and the surprising results were that the answers they received were about the same. The people with dementia didn’t necessarily seem themselves any less happy–but the caregivers were the ones who struggled the most. Something to consider for sure. Thanks as always for your comment. ~kathy
Beth, I have to chime in here. I share your fear, in my case of feeling negated. I experienced that recently. I don’t think it was my imagination. It was heartbreaking, but I talked myself out of it (with a few muttered cursewords!) Their loss.
I remember when I was much younger and I looked at aging with trepidation.Now, of course, I wonder what I was worried about. Life is good and it seems to keep getting better! “Aging is not a problem to be solved” YES! It’s a time of life to embrace. I realize that not everyone is lucky enough to enter their later years in good health, and I know that my health won’t last forever (as much as I am in denial about it), but we do have control over our attitude. One of my best friends is about 15 years older than I am and if she is any indication of what my late 70s/early 80s will look like, bring it on (although not too quickly, 62 is pretty sweet)!
Hi Janis! I’ll bet every one of us realizes how our view of aging has changed now that we are in the midst of it. Of course, I still maintain that I am far different from my mom and dad–and I’ll bet you are too. As a generation, we are changing the “face” of aging in many ways so how it has gone before isn’t going to be our “direct” version. But that doesn’t deny that we still have a lot to learn from those who are ahead of us right? And the more we can take the time to learn and listen from those ahead of us, the better! Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
I have always had a lot of respect for the elderly, especially the ages described in the book. They have lived a full life, they have so many stories to share, experiences to recall, and sweet memories to reminisce. I like how they slow down and focus on what is important to them. I have innumerable beautiful memories of the precious, countless hours I spent in the company of my oma, my maternal grandma, before she passed away.
It does make sense that your purpose and what makes you happy changes over time. For me, in general, I’d say that travel and wildlife encounters bring me the biggest pleasures, but there was this one time, when I was totally exhausted after over a decade of full-time travel, and the only thing that made me happy was to rest and settle for a bit. 🙂
Hi Liesbet! How wonderful that you have a good memory of your grandmother and the time you spent together with her. And yes, it will be interesting to see how your wanderlust evolves as you age…you’re just a young one at your current age. But good for you for being willing to consider that as we all change, who knows? I can’t see you or me ever giving it up completely (the love of travel) but perhaps there will be new and even better ways to do it in the future? Staying open and FLEXIBLE will be good! ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – Thank you so much for sharing snippets of John Leland’s work with us. I was greatly inspired by the lessons that you pulled out of his book. My Mom is entering her late 80’s…and while having some health changes, she is a great role-model of staying positive and remaining engaged with one’s passions. There are also several members of our Walking Group, in their mid and late 80’s, who kick my butt every time when going uphill!! I consider myself very fortunate to be surrounded by such great models of positive aging.
Hi Donna! Thank you. How awesome that you have a number of role models…including your mom! I know that sometimes we can get so focused on the obligation of parents (or others we feel connected to) but I think it is easy to forget what a treasure they can be as well. Let’s continue to remind ourselves that okay? ~Kathy
Thanks for the excellent information, Kathy. I’m 58. My 81 year old mother lives with me, as did my father before he developed vascular dementia and for the first half dozen heartbreaking years of the disease. He died a few years ago, when he was 81. So I guess you could say I have had an up close and personal view of both perspectives on aging. My mother is generally in great shape and very positive and happy, although little things are starting to crop up. She had a TIA (a mini-stroke) on Sunday but seems perfectly fine now.
There are times, like Sunday, when aging scares me. The unpredictability of physical problems in an otherwise healthy body. However, 99% of the time, I am good with aging. I’m happy to see the positive changes I am already experiencing in my life now that I am retired, and I look forward to being even more of the positive, purposeful, passion-filled woman I am now. Posts like this one, with its great advice, help to further those plans. Karen
Hi, Karen – I’m so sorry to hear about your Mother. I’m glad that she is doing fine now.
Thanks, Donna. It was a big shock, but hopefully a one-off. We have an appointment at a TIA/Stroke clinic this coming week where we’ll hopefully learn more.
Hi Karen! What a great perspective you have from your parents. Both of mine are gone and what I learned from there was the opposite–with my Dad offering a good and positive role model and my mom not so much. I’ll agree that it is easy to slip into worry or fear if all we do is listen to some of the news reports or articles about aging. And did you ever notice, most studies are done by young people who have little or no personal knowledge about aging….and most are looking to fix things or at least mediate the problems of aging…not celebrate it! Let us both continue to write about and share the good that comes from it–and remind each other if we forget. ~Kathy
I’ve always wondered about people who fear getting older, what is their alternative? I have a friend who is 88.I’ve known her for 35 years and she is a perfect role model for aging with grace and humanity.
Hi Harlee! Good for you for having a great role model. This book really made me realize how important that is and to actually start seeking out more of these wise elders to gain perspective from. I must confess until recently I often thought that most really older people didn’t have that much to teach me. Boy was I wrong about that….and yeah, that is changing just by the fact that I’m getting older myself. But the book really helped to shift my mind. ~Kathy
Thank you for always sharing interesting perspectives and summaries related to aging. (You must read a lot!)
All their lives my parents were waaay too independent and toward the end, it hurt when they would reject attempts to make their life easier.
I now keep that lesson as a reminder to myself…that the act of receiving (and appreciating) needs to be continually practiced so it will ultimately become comfortable.
Keep up the good reads and I enjoy your blog!
(Please delete it this gets posted twice…not sure if it realizes I’m not a robot)
Hi Karen! Yes I DO read a lot but I’m also enjoying lots of podcasts too. Thom calls me an information junkie! Especially on topics I find interesting and helpful. And thanks for sharing your perspective on your parents. The author of the book has an interesting perspective on dealing with aging parents…he’s about our age…and his mom is in her late 80’s. He said it is much more difficult when it comes to our own parents because the tendency is to see them as an obligation that we feel responsible for. I can’t give you all the feedback he offers but I thought it very valuable to learn how that changed as he continued to develop relationships with all his “interviewees.” And yes, we all tend to value “independence” at any age, but trying to modify that to a more inter-dependent perspective is certainly something that would help us all eventually (if not sooner!) Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
I worked in health care for many years. A statistic that I learned >25 yrs ago in a sociology of aging class holds true today – only ~10% of the aged are in care. I saw more evidence of aging well at influenza immunization clinics where a large majority of the aged had no major health issues, were on no meds & were in a hurry to get to their next engagement. At my age (early 60’s) it’s getting harder to find people 30 yrs older than me but I certainly interact with many people 20 yrs older than me. There’s a wide range of normal in terms of physical ability at that age, not unlike at the beginning of life. Leland’s definition of interdependence reminds me of trust – allows us to survive whatever hardships come our way without letting them define the quality of our life. Those very hardships contribute to the quality of my life. Aging is inevitable so I will embrace it & do what I can to mitigate it. You are so right about what brings us happiness & contentment at different ages. Before my son was “middle-aged” he would encourage me to go out on a Friday night to which I’d respond – been there, bought the t-shirts. Yes, some of what appealed to me even 10 yrs ago no longer does. I call it evolving not necessarily aging. And today I will attend the funeral of a dear friend who died at age 94. She was active & mostly “clothed in her right mind” (as Oprah says) until the last few years. She was a friend to all & mostly happy in spite of hardships in her life. That’s what I aspire to as I age.
Hi Mona! Thank you as always for sharing such a great perspective on this. AND especially thank you for confirming that most people of advanced old age are NOT in a nursing home. It sounds like you have had some great role models for aging well from your work and life. I consider myself very fortunate because even though both of my parents are gone, I live in a retirement area with LOTS of older people who provide great models for how I want to age in the future. In fact, I am having lunch today with a woman who is 93 and just amazing to me. She is one of the most interesting women I know and I admire her so much. She proves to me that even though she might be a bit slower than she used to be physically, but she is still curious, open and filled with wonder every day. It sounds to me like your dear friend who just passed was a good example too. Since reading this book I am encouraged to seek out people of advanced old age like never before. May we both continue to age well and happy as the days go by! ~Kathy
My parents are my best examples of aging well. They find ways to be positive and feel useful everyday. I wrote my counseling MA thesis 20 years ago on “accepting help with gratitude” because I saw even then that we will all be asking for a lot more assistance in our future. Having experienced multiple major health challenges in the past couple years, I know for sure that illness and aging is all about attitude!
Thanks for all of this great information Kathy!
Hi Laura Lee! You are fortunate to have both of your parents still alive. And good for you that they are such powerful role models for you. Of course if you recognized the power of learning to accept help with gratitude so many years ago, you were already well ahead of most of us in that regard. Plus, a health challenge at any age sure helps to remember what really matters doesn’t it. Thanks for sharing your personal thoughts on this! ~Kathy