Last week a fellow blogger and friend wrote a blog post about parental financial planning in retirement. Much of the post seemed focused on what he himself had inherited and what he and his wife planned to leave their children upon passing. It’s probably no surprise that most of the people who left comments offered their version of same thing. The article got me thinking about my own life and how I see the issue differently. That could be because I have no children. But perhaps more importantly, it raised questions in my mind about the expectation of inheritance, as well as the need to address and consider how well any of us are prepared for those end-of-life experiences that none of us will avoid. Like so many other topics, I don’t have any answers but I think it is SMART for us to be thinking about and be willing to consider our own personal exit strategy for when the time comes.
I’ll agree that it isn’t usually easy to think about. Yet my “inner-planner” would be remiss if I didn’t at least write about it in broad strokes. I remember my father didn’t want to even discuss it although he had cancer and had been given only a year or so to live. But because I had read the horror stories of other families, I suspected that much of how it would unfold when he passed would fall upon my shoulders. So I continued to ask. Eventually he told my older sister and me that he wanted everything split evenly regardless of personality or need—he was German after all. No, he never made a will, but fortunately his assets totaled less than $100,000 so probate (in California) was not required.
Around the same time Thom’s mom and dad passed on without leaving a will either. Looking back on both my parents and Thom’s I wondered how common it was for people to never create a will or living trust. Sadly, according to AARP, it is very common when people are younger to not have one (64% Gen X and 83% Millennials). However even 42% of boomers and 17% of the silent generation haven’t gotten around to it either.
That got me wondering why. Why is it such an uncomfortable action? Do people hope they are invincible and it will never happen to them? Does having money or not having money have anything to do with it? Interestingly enough, a Gallup poll from 2016 did a survey of people who did not have a will and narrowed it down to income, education and race. It turns out that in 2016 Caucasians were nearly twice as likely to have a will as nonwhites. At the same time, a person with a post-graduate degree was twice as likely to have a will as a person with a high school degree or less. While the difference in income was also relevant, it wasn’t as large a discrepancy. None were asked about net worth so that wasn’t compared. But my takeaway is that the need and the desire to leave an inheritance to our children (or anyone) and/or the need to be prepared comes from a more privileged position that not everyone has available.
At the same time, that makes me wonder about whether an inheritance is for the benefit of the children or the benefit of the giver. I think it was a point of pride to my father to give all his children about $12,000 each when he passed. Yet neither Thom nor I had any expectation. Frankly we considered it a huge gift that none of them became a difficult burden or required special assistance from us at the end of their lives. That’s especially true when I read that according to the Insured Retirement Institute, 45% of baby boomers have no savings beyond their retirement accounts and even that is limited. In the future, just having enough money to live on to the end of our lives without “being a burden to our children” might be the best inheritance parents can offer. Sadly we’ve all heard of examples of how that isn’t always true.
At the same time, we have a distant family member who was raised in a very wealthy family who repeatedly let everyone know (who cared) that when the time came he would inherit a great deal of money. He was actually a pain to be around as you might imagine. Unfortunately, unscrupulous money managers swindled all his inheritance just years before his long-anticipated retirement. That’s when he fell into deep depression and seems to have lost his will to live. Surely planning on inheritance when nothing in this world is guaranteed does a disservice to any child?
Of course I can easily understand how parents might want to help their children as much as possible when they see the need. My parents did the same for Thom and me. When we were young and needed some money they loaned us the money which we gradually paid back (with interest.) We appreciated the help when offered and looking back that was just one of the many lessons my father taught me about responsibility and debt that I think many people today could use as well. What’s the saying? “Give a woman a fish and you feed her for a day. Teach her to fish and you feed her for a lifetime.” The biggest inheritance from my father were lessons about life and fiscal responsibility that serve me still.
A big reason these questions are on my mind right now is that Thom and I recently put all of our assets into a Living Trust. It’s not like we have a huge estate. But after witnessing some of the issues with our parents and other people we have observed, it became obvious that having a Living Trust would be the easiest way to handle our assets should anything happen to either, or both of us. Of course let’s face it, it’s not really “if” but instead, more like “when.”
Again, because we don’t have children, it made us sit down and ask, “If something does happen to either of us, wouldn’t it be easier and more kind to make it clean and simple?” Who needs to frantically try to figure out finances or where things are kept when dealing with loss? On top of that, if something happens to both of us at the same time, those same questions apply. If we passed on without a will or Living Trust then probate would be involved and a portion of our estate would go toward lawyers and even the state if things weren’t clear. We know we don’t want that! It also forced us to ask ourselves, “Who do we trust enough to handle things if we become incapacitated and can’t manage things ourselves?” Would you want your children or relatives in charge of your assets and your care if the situation would arise? Would they want to be? After all, would your unemployed 30-year-old-cousin living in your basement be the one who should make those decisions for you?
I’ll confess that my greatest fear is that Thom would “exit” life before me and I know him well enough to know he’d be a mess without me around too. While we can’t cover every eventuality, it is comforting to know that we won’t face certain decisions and issues should that happen. We also feel better knowing that anyone that comes after us will have it easier as well. While we definitely don’t have answers for anyone but ourselves, surely it is very SMART to take the time to address these issues long before they become a reality for those you leave behind.
Wow, this must be on lots of people’s minds — I just commented on someone else’s blog on this same topic. And I will offer the same small observation here. Estate law varies more than you would think from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. Even if you have thought everything through and prepared your necessary documents, it’s a good idea to buy an hour of expert time with a lawyer specializing in estate law in your jurisdiction to make sure that you are in compliance with your state’s laws and your wishes will be carried out.
Hi Galen! You are probably talking about Bob Lowry on his Satisfying Retirement page. He wrote another post over a week ago about “inheritance” and that triggered this post in me. He has since written another post with more details about all the documents and if anyone hasn’t seen it you can find it here: https://satisfyingretirement.blogspot.com/2021/03/handling-legal-and-heath-issues-when.html I’m actually surprised more of us bloggers haven’t touched on the subject given it’s importance. With that said, as you say, every state and country has different policies so it is really wise to research it well or consult an attorney just to make sure it is right for where you live. Thanks for injecting that! ~Kathy
Yes I was speaking of Bob’s most recent post. As a lawyer, I witnessed too many times when someone wanted to do it all themselves and save some money, only to find out later, or to have surviving loved ones find out later, that their wishes could not be enforced. I was not an estate lawyer, but rather a contracts lawyer, and had people come to me after they had tried to save a little money by handling their contracts themselves. They came to me only after they ran into problems and by then it was too late. I am certainly all for self empowerment, and we all know lawyers can overcomplicate things, but when a lot is at stake, peace of mind is worth the cost of an hour’s professional advice. And that is the end of my little legal soapbox advice for today. Ha!
Most important is your point that this topic is one that should not be so taboo. I’m talking about end of life in general, not just legal aspects. Death is less scary when brought out of the shadows to be approached with knowledge and compassion. I’m grateful that I was able to talk to my mother openly in her final months — oddly, these were some of the best conversations we ever had.
Hi Galen! I think you offer excellent advice about making sure our “documents” are legal if we decide to do them ourselves. As you say, just a consult is a small price to pay to make sure that happens.
And agreed. Let’s all be willing to bring up the subject more often so it isn’t so “taboo.” Of course it does point out the whole topic of people thinking they will live forever if they just eat the right foods, take the right supplements, exercise enough and refuse to think about even getting older. While I’m all for taking as good a care as we can of our bodies and our minds, in the end it’s still gonna happen sooner or later so accepting it and being at peace with it is so important in my opinion. Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, Such an important article. My husband thinks this kind of talk is morbid so getting things in place for us was like pulling teeth. We have a Health Directive, POA and Will. I know I want a direct cremation but hubby won’t discuss so it will either be military or the same for him if I have anything to do with it. We also have a large family and after reading this I’m thinking we should look into a Trust. We are enjoying the fruits of our labor by taking the kids on vacations and have been talking about splurging more on things that we enjoy now while we can.
About life insurance it seems many turn to Go Fund Me to pay for funerals for love ones. I have been urging young parents to purchase life insurance. One young man thought life insurance would cost the same as his car insurance which is pretty high. Through USAA he was able to get a 20-year term $300,000 for $14mo. Now he is telling all his friends to get life insurance.
Hi Amanda. You point out something important–some of us seem better able to talk about and handle these things rather than others. But so important don’t you agree. From what I understand, a will is still best for dealing with children or for appointing who would take care of them should you be unable, but then once they are adults, the Trust disperses things with less drama. (But again I’m no expert). And isn’t it tragic that anyone would have to go to a “Go Fund Me” to pay for funerals???? Without children we can’t assume that ANYONE would do that for us so we really have to be more proactive about it and plan for that to happen. I was so grateful my parents made those arrangements before they passed and plan to do the same for Thom and I very soon. And thanks for bringing up that Life Insurance thing too…. I think any young people with children ought to consider that so that the remaining spouse and child(ren) are covered. ~Kathy
It is so important to protect our spouse (and family). As a psychotherapist I have heard way too many horror stories about what “families” do after a death. We reseached and signed our Trust 20 years ago and really feel peace and security about having one in place. JUST–DO–IT!
Hi Gary! Good for you for being so proactive with a Trust. But I completely understand WHY it was so critical because 20 years ago as a gay couple in a deeply committed relationship you weren’t always able to share your estate with one another –without challenges from family members etc. –or to ensure that your spouse was in charge of your health care should it be needed. And although now your marriage is legal and you share many of the same rights as all married couples, I’m sure it is still a huge comfort to know that a Living Trust (at least here in CA) can meet your needs and expectations. And I’m also certain as a therapist that you’ve heard plenty of stories about how some families can disintegrate when the parents pass on. Thanks for sharing your encouragement! ~Kathy
This is a very important topic and unfortunately, the whiff of an inheritance can bring out the worst in people even within a family unit. It is definitely good to plan ahead and consider all the options. My Grandparents tried to compensate one of their children for a permanent disability but the other siblings got jealous and one contested it even though they had been explicit as to the reason why. It was nasty and I would definitely give away most of my possessions before I go, if I am lucky enough to have the foresight and presence of mind. I would rather give them to those who want them and keep just the essentials I need, than having to have someone clear out all my stuff after I am gone. I really do not want to think of my children doing that whilst grieving.
Thank you for making us contemplate this often taboo subject.
Hi Amanda. Thanks for your thoughts on this. Unfortunately I think we have all heard stories (if we haven’t personally been involved) about such horror stories. I’m sure that most parents don’t want to think that their children would become so focused on “getting their share” but that doesn’t always play out. The tricky thing about giving it all away while you are still in the mental and physical position to do so is that who knows what “condition” we might find ourselves in down the road. What happens if we mentally can’t make financial decisions ourselves? What happens if we are physically incapacitated but need expensive medical care for months? years? I know we can’t (and really don’t want to!!!) think about all the possibilities but unless we can honestly assess the people we leave behind who might be in charge of those difficult decisions and care, we must at least consider the best way forward. As for all that “stuff” I completely agree that getting rid of it or giving it away long before it will become a burden to our loved ones is a good idea. ~Kathy
Kathy, an important topic and I am embarrassed to admit that I am one of those baby boomers who doesn’t yet have a will. I have had bad luck with lawyers. The first one I met with about drawing up a will (someone recommended by my accountant) took two years and eventually produced a very basic draft document which, by then, no longer fit my circumstances. Some years later, I tried again. By this point I was in my second marriage and had more assets than the first time. We met with the lawyer a couple of times, and I spent a great deal of time gathering all the details about finances, beneficiaries, etc. Once again, and after repeated follow ups, the lawyer did not produce a document. After two and a half years, we gave up. In this case, I think he may have developed dementia, and we fell between the cracks. Getting our will done has been on my “to do” list since retiring and moving here. A friend has recommended a good lawyer, but she lives in Vancouver, and I’m not sure it’s a good idea to work with someone not close by. I don’t know why I keep procrastinating on this; Rob and I have had the important conversations and know what we want.
Jude
Hi Jude! Oh dear. Sounds like you had a VERY GOOD excuse for not doing it earlier. And while I have no idea what the “laws” are in BC, you should check out doing it yourself. Before we had the trust I researched what a legal will in California required and then found one (I think for free) online that we used. We drew up our first will about 15 years ago, always had it witnessed and updated it every couple of years. It really wasn’t that difficult and I can easily say that if we could handle it, so could you (depending up the laws in BC of course). But do check that out. At the time we owned less real estate and our primary concern was making sure Kloe (our dog) would be taken care of if something happened to us. As for the trust, I might have been able to figure that one out too but at the time we just decided to go with a lawyer. So my advice is to check it out and see if you can do it yourselves especially beings you have all the details already worked out. ~Kathy
I did buy a “Do Your Own Will” guidebook specific to BC. But our situation is somewhat more complicated as a blended family with five children between us and various kinds of assets. So I’d rather have it done by a professional to make sure we don’t leave our kids dealing with a mess.
Jude
Hi Jude! Yes I’m sure it is complicated with all those kids and stuff. You might want to consider a Trust as well…they have them there right? According to our attorney they are very difficult (if not impossible) to contest so your wishes will be assured. Plus, the time frame to dispose of all the assets using a will takes much longer depending upon the “rules” of your country/state. You might look into it as long as you are still searching for the right lawyer. ~Kathy
Kathy, I’ve had a trust and will (and health care power of attorney) for years. I was the recipient a number of years ago of my (favorite and childless) aunt/uncle leaving their money to their nieces & nephews. I was always (as an adult) dropping them notes in the mail – pre-email and they hated the phone. I was sorry when they passed (at 85+ years of age). We used the unexpected windfall to buy our beach cottage in Florida…and we know where that lead – to us now moving there! It also meant that I put all my nieces and nephews into our will/trust. Including the nieces and nephews that never call, never drop us an email or even a text. The family has not stayed connected – most of my in-laws didn’t even respond to my note saying we were moving to Florida! (Most live in Cincinnati, so this move will make us even more disconnected.) I know we will need to revisit things when we move (Florida requires a POA and Health Care POA written in state, I’ve been informed), and I wonder if it’s time to think about leaving our money to charity. But, I’m also of the mind to spend it down… hence I’ve told myself not to worry too much about paying for the move. I’m going to use a reputable, reliable company and not balk (too much) at the $$ of a long distance move!
Hi Pat! Good for you for being on top of this issue (of course I could have guessed that this is something you would have planned for and done before!) Of course it sounds like once you move that you’ll be making more decisions and have to make some tough ones. As childfree people I think we should have the freedom to follow our heart rather than the need to follow the “family rules” but I can see where some people still can’t do that. Because Thom and I first made a will probably 10-15 years ago this has been an ongoing conversation about who and what and where…and it does change some as time goes by. But I think by talking it through and really checking in with what feels right to us, we won’t have the slightest regret about the choices we’ve made. And frankly, I’d hope we all feel the same way.
And as a person who has a horror story to tell you about “cheap-er” movers, I would say go with the best reviews not the best price!!!! ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – I agree with all – this is such a sensitive topic — difficult to bring up — but so important to do just that. Thank you for sharing this with us and reminding us all that we need to address and update this issue and not bury our heads in the sand.
Being married to a lawyer, I always have an updated, detailed will and supporting documents! 😀
Hi Donna! You are the lucky one to have this all handled being married to an attorney but I’ll bet you still had to help with some of the choices we all have to decide on when doing it. Still, as you say it is so very important to keep reminding each other of its necessity and make sure we do our best to get it done before it is too late. ~Kathy
We also have a will and trust (note to self: check to see if anything needs to be updated). As a child-free couple, we actually really enjoyed figuring out where any left-over money will go. There are so many worth-while organizations to choose from. Although our intention is to spend everything we have down to the last penny right before our exit, if that doesn’t work out, a few of our favorite charities will be very happy.
Hi Janis. Yes it can be interesting and enjoyable to figure out the places that you want to share your good with (if there is anything left.) But I’m hoping you also have a Power of Attorney and the Healthcare thing too (I’ll bet you do just don’t remember.) I also think that we’ll decide on our cremation details at some point as well just because it was such a help when my parents passed. It sounds like you agree that it doesn’t have to be a morbid thing at all. It actually feels like a big relief to have it done. ~Kathy
Oh yes, we have all of that (POA and Healthcare), although being childfree, its not as simple as many people with children have it. And I agree about having cremation details set up. My folks did that and it made things so much easier when we were already dealing with our grief.
Fantastic post. As a Retirement Transitions Coach, I knew I had to embody the leadership behavior I wanted to see in my clients, who are the leaders in their lives; consequently, I recently updated all legal documents (POA, Will, Advanced Healthcare Directive).
I have no children; however, I have siblings; in my traditional family, the EXPECTATION would be that I would leave it to them; however, I decided that I would leave my estate to people who NEEDED my money, not who SHOULD get my money; therefore, I am giving whatever is left to a charity that will impact more than my immediate family.
For me, I knew there was a possibility that my will would be contested by my siblings; therefore, to ease the burden on my executrix from a needless court battle, I worked with an attorney to recognize their existence in my will, and IN WRITING say that they get nothing.
Hi Peggy! Thank you. And good for you for making sure all of your important documents are up to date. As part of the Trust making process they also include a POA, WILL and the Healthcare Directive–it’s very all encompassing but all of them are important. And those of us have much to decide about where our money, property and things go when we pass. In some ways it’s a bit harder because their isn’t any “one way” we have to do it, but in other ways it gives us tremendous freedom. And according to the attorney who drew up our Trust it contains clauses that make it very clear that the details cannot be questioned once the estate is disbursed. Good for you for finding good language to include in yours. ~Kathy
Kathy, I couldn’t agree more. This is a very sensitive subject to bring and, unfortunately, usually gets put on hold until the last second or, in the worst case scenario, until it’s too late. Like you and Thom, we don’t have any children and this topic has been on our minds as to whom to trust to take care of things if both of us pass at the same time. We both love to travel and cruise so it’s a possibility we have to face. A living trust/living will is definitely the way to go as well as the enduring power of attorney just to legalize everything. I appreciate you so much for bringing this to the forefront. Maybe we can all take it off the back burner and take care of it sooner than later. Security and peace of mind is an invaluable gift you can give yourself, I think. Well written and well said, Kathy! Thanks for your insights – I am learning so much from your writings.
Hi Debbie. Thank you. I’m glad you are finding some of my thoughts helpful. And perhaps if we all started talking about these things more they wouldn’t carry so much weight and heaviness. In some ways it makes for an interesting thought to consider who and what you want to share with others if you were to leave tomorrow. I think it tells us a lot about our values, our true relationships and what really matters to us. As another couple without children you know that there isn’t a simple formula to follow and in some ways I find that liberating. I STRONGLY urge anyone who hasn’t done it to take the time and effort to make a will and that health directive for sure. ~Kathy
Great post. My husband died 2 years ago at the relatively young age of 70 from dementia. We had no children. Fortunately, way before he became sick, we had POA put it place as well as a will. I have updated everything since he died, and it gives me great peace of mind knowing that my affairs are “in order”. I agree with you that I think that for some people there is a great hesitancy to even consider the inevitable of leaving this world.
We both hoped we would leave this world “hand in hand”, but knew that it was unlikely. The other part of an exit strategy is to mentally prepare yourself for how you see yourself at the end of life. If our state does not change its laws, I may consider moving to another state if at some point I felt I would benefit from assistance as I transition from this life. I’ve witnessed too many painfully drawn out deaths; I know that this is not something that I want.
Hi Carole. I am so glad to hear that you had made arrangements so that you didn’t have to deal with the details as well as the loss. You hear of so many women (especially women it seems) who have such a difficult time when their spouse passes away and they are at a loss about most everything they own, owe and have. Tragic.
And I like that idea of “hand in hand.” Thom and I joke about doing a “Thelma & Louise” should the need arise but of course who knows? I agree that it is important to also consider where we live and our options for “exiting” should it be necessary. Having that trust, will and health direction helps a lot but it can only do so much. Good to at least let the person who will handle your estate know should the need arise. Thank you for sharing your own personal story. ~Kathy
I’m about to read Doing Good Better, by William MacAskill (2015), a highly-rated book about altruism.
Though I have adult children and grandchildren, I’m also thinking beyond that box.
Hi Joanie. Sounds like it could be a great book. I will definitely check it out. ~Kathy
The people in my life who don’t want to think about/do anything about wills also don’t want to be reminded of their mortality, so their inability to carry out end of life planning is no surprise. It seems to me that anyone I knew who was terrified of dying also wasn’t fully living.
Having a will and power of attorney and medical directive brings me peace of mind. I am also pre-planning my funeral (and will blog about that, when details are finalized)…my mom did that years in advance, and it took a lot of burden off of the family at a very tough time, when she passed. It was a lovely parting gift from a wonderful woman.
Deb
Hi Deb! I agree that there is likely fear behind so many people’s decision to not address such an important need. Of course most people will deny like crazy that they are afraid of dying but their actions usually prove otherwise. And yes our trust includes the power of attorney and Medical direction and also provides space for us to make those “funeral” arrangements as well–which I agree is good to do. We definitely want to be cremated but I’m still deciding on who/what/how that goes. I like the idea of a tree being planted but haven’t figured it out. Both my parents had the arrangements all made for us and I agree that made the experience of their passing a tiny bit easier. Good for you mom too. ~Kathy
Brave of you to bring up this topic. We do not have a trust. We have a will, a power of attorney and a health care proxy. We feel (hope?) that altogether these should do the trick when the time comes.
Hi Tom. Yes we just had a will up until now but after “reviewing” our situation we wanted to make it even cleaner. It really depends on a families circumstances. And yes, when you have a trust made it includes a will, a power of attorney and the health care thing. All very important documents.
But isn’t it crazy that more of us don’t write about and bring up this subject when it really will touch us all either coming in or going out! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy – it’s interesting to think about this from the perspective of a couple with no children. We made a will back when our kids were young so that we knew they’d be cared for by someone we trusted if we both passed at the same time. That will still stands because in essence we leave everything to each other and then to our children in equal shares. I would never cause family friction by inequitably gifting an inheritance – it makes things so ugly when the recipients find out.
Our next step is to organize a Power of Attorney for who will make decisions for us when we can’t – it will probably be our son but I want to make sure our daughter’s okay with that (she’ll probably be relieved to not have to worry about it!) I couldn’t believe that 42% of boomers don’t have a will – that’s just crazy!
Hi Leanne. I agree that it is VERY important to have a will if you have young children. I’m always surprised when I hear many parents don’t. I also agree that not leaving equal amount to children can lead to problems but honestly have witnessed how there can be problems even then. It really depends on the children don’t you think? And yes, the power of attorney part is important too. Good for you for taking care of this important part of life. ~Kathy