It is October 2021 and things seem to be improving here in the U.S. and around the world—mostly. I say mostly because even though Thom and I have returned from traveling during the summer—seeing great sites, enjoying cooler weather, laughing with friends, etc.—I’m still feeling a bit discombobulated. And don’t misunderstand, I’m quite happy to be home where the weather is cooler, my bed is amazingly comfortable, to reconnect with friends and family, and to have stayed healthy through it all. But something still feels a bit off—in me and in the world. Then I listened to Brene Brown interviewing Amy Cuddy and it started to make sense. Many of us, me included, are still immersed in what Cuddy calls Pandemic Flux Syndrome. After unpacking that idea and learning more about what flux is and how it affects us, the fog is lifting.
So, what is flux and why does it matter? Simply put, flux is “change.” I think on some level we all know that change happens constantly. I’ve certainly written about it here on SMART Living 365 several times. But if you are anything like me you tend to think of change as something that happens and then you bounce back, get over it and things go back to normal. For example, when COVID-19 hit back in March of 2020 most of us assumed that it would end and things would return to normal. Unfortunately, what we need to realize, what I need to realize, is that change of some sort is going to continue over and over again. There is no back to go back to. As the Greek philosopher Heraclitus said in 500 BCE, “The only constant in life is change.” Obviously, I’m still working on what that really means!
Instead, a better strategy is to be fluid and flow with change. April Rinne, futurist and author of Flux: Superpowers for Thriving In Constant Change suggests we develop a flux mindset. According to her, “A flux mindset is simply acknowledging that your relationship to change can improve.” Apparently having the awareness of knowing that we will never arrive at a point where change ends, and knowing our personal change triggers is important. Then she says, “It is also the state of mind ability to see all change, good or bad, whether you want it or not…that each and every change is an opportunity for growth, for learning and for improvement.” Similar to the idea of a fixed mindset versus a growth mindset, a flux mindset is learning to develop a mindset that is comfortable with change, accepts that it never stops, and extracts the gifts that it surely contains. Sounds like a handy superpower to have, don’t you think?
Of course, just knowing that awareness intellectually without feeling it in our gut is more difficult. I can accept that change is constant but that doesn’t make it feel good when it’s happening. Plus, have you ever noticed that it is much easier to accept change when we initiate it? When change occurs unexpectedly or messes with our sense of right or wrong it gets much more dicey.
Getting back to the interview with Brown and Cuddy, Cuddy explained that when change feels chronic and completely out of our control, we can often reach “surge capacity.” That is when our nervous system feels overwhelmed and depleted. Regardless of how good things might seem right now, I’m sensing that many of us have reached that surge capacity and that is undermining our sense of wellbeing. It certainly is mine.
Making matters worse is that I feel a bit guilty for even admitting that I feel a bit wonky in these times. After all, I have a great life don’t I? Meanwhile I know that our country and the world has been navigating a shared humanitarian crisis. Millions died. Millions still struggle. It’s not just the pandemic either—it’s the climate crisis and it’s deadly consequences. It’s financial devastation for millions of people. It’s inequality on all levels here in my country and around the world. It’s political systems that are breaking down in front of our eyes. Need I go on? How dare I feel less than blessed and grateful for all that I have?
According to Brene Brown, that is another part of the problem. We tend to compare our lack of suffering with the suffering of others and negatively judge ourselves for it. We beat ourselves up if we aren’t suffering along with the people on the nightly news—or, how can we possibly feel good about our lives when others have it so hard? But Brown reminds us, compassion and empathy aren’t finite. They aren’t slices of pie with only so much to go around. You never run out. In fact, the more you experience wellbeing, the more you have to give to others who can’t get there right now. Let’s remember that suffering is not a contest!
I heard Cuddy explain something else that I found helpful. She says that every crisis has three phases. The first is the emergency phase—people just hunker down and do what they need to do to get through it. The second phase is the regression phase. This is where patience is necessary. It’s called the in-between phase and quite frankly, this is the one we are stuck in at the present time. In this phase most of us are out-of-control with much of what is happening—and most of us are lousy at being out-of-control. In fact, she says that this is one of the big reasons why people are up and quitting their jobs and moving to some place across the country. This is another reason why people are overpaying for homes in remote towns or buying toys to amuse themselves with. This is why people are joining bizarre groups and doing bizarre things. Because people want to believe they are in control of their lives (even when there is a lot that they can’t control) they tend to want to escape from anything threatening that control. That leads to people make dramatic and drastic choices. The final phase? That’s the rebuilding phase and at least in terms of the pandemic, we are just being teased with that possibility. No wonder people are being driven to escape all the flux piling up around us.
After reading up and listening to these women talk about what many of us are experiencing—what I’ve been experiencing—it all makes more sense to me. Talking or writing about it helps and as they all said, we need to realize that these emotions in this time are completely natural. Yes, I still believe that our thoughts, intentions and choices can greatly influence our lives. And while I tend to be optimistic and happy most of the time, sometimes I’m just not. And we need to allow ourselves and each other the space to feel what we are feeling. We aren’t “bad” because we might sometimes feel bad, any more than we are good for sometimes feeling good. We are all just doing the best we can with where we are today.
April Rinne offers some great advice including the idea that resilience isn’t bouncing back to where we were—it is instead molding into a new reality. Plus, she also has a lot to say about how to enhance our superpowers around the idea of flux. Of primary importance is learning to slow down, trust others and the world and to let go of expecting that we can control the circumstances or the people around us. As it turns out, accepting our feelings, growing our awareness, and determining how we want to move forward in the future are all SMART ways to make flux a natural part of our lives.
Yes, we clearly are not going “back” I like Amy Cuddy’s 3 stages. So we are in the regressin phase and it requires patience…OK, I am trying…
I can relate to so much of this post! Feeling guilty when I’m feeling a “bit wonky” when I’m certainly not experiencing anything like others are – we are financially secure, still in good health, no-one we know has died. Feeling like I “haven’t suffered enough” has been an issue for me for a long time, and this pandemic situation is definitely exacerbating that feeling. Then, the sense of control – oh yeah. Pandemic surge in Florida and Red Tide super-bloom this summer definitely made me feel out of control. I’m not moving across country (been there done that) nor buying lots of toys, but I have taken back control of planning activities – engaging a bit more, with small groups of folks who are vaccinated. It has helped a lot. “Teased with rebuilding phase”… I was looking at the graph the other day of the three surges… and wondered if we were just in a lull for a 4th surge? It’s hard to feel hopeful given no-one really expected surge #3!
Hi Pat! I think it is so normal for many of us who have really good lives to sometimes feel a bit guilty about it. Brene Brown writes about this all the time and says it is VERY common…but still I think some of us feel guilty about even admitting it! And I think that how we feel about being in control has a LOT to do with how we handle it and what makes us feel like “everything is going to be okay.” I also believe it is made worse when we don’t talk about it, don’t you? For me at least it really helps to just admit what’s going on and that seems to take it out in the light and let it dissolve. And personally I will NEVER give up hope…just the way I’m wired…but that doesn’t mean I won’t have good days and bad ones. Brene reminds us all that our anticipation bias is often wrong…again, things are seldom as good as we hope but never usually worse than we fear. I’m sticking with that! ~Kathy
Great article Kathy. Thanks for bringing this information to me in such a digestible way. Appreciate the work it took and your insights.
Hey Mary! How are you…I really need to check out your recent podcasts to find out don’t I 🙂 But glad you liked this post and found it helpful. May we all find that “rebuilding phase” soon! ~Kathy
This was such a great article, Kathy. Even us introverts who don’t need – or want – to be surrounded by people at all times, are feeling like the world has tilted. I am frustrated when I think about the things I would like to do but haven’t reached that comfort level yet. I’m definitely in the regression phase… I’m looking forward to he rebuilding phase.
Hi Janis! Yes I think many of us have gone back and forth so many times between “uh-oh to oh boy” that we’ve just grown weary of it. I know our time leading up to going and getting into Canada was like that for months. And now although things seem pretty good, I’m cautious about what might happen in the future. Definitely the “regression phase”. I should probably research whether the “rebuilding phase” can be self-initiated or whether we have to just sit back and patiently wait and see. Let me know if you find out!!! ~Kathy
Great article, Kathy. Like you, I’ve felt a little “off” with all the things going on during these COVID times and couldn’t quite put my finger on it. You captured it beautifully.
And you are correct, we’re in the middle of a great change. We’re always changing and evolving. I think it’s how you adapt to the changes. I love the idea of a “flux mindset” and will have to check out the interview and the book. They sound very intriguing. Accepting change is difficult however I don’t believe we’ll ever go back to the normal we had before. This is going to be a permanent change so we’re going to have to get used to it. All we can hope for is that it is for the better.
I, too, have learned to be more appreciative of what I have and slow down to take the world around me in. I realize my life is very blessed with the friends I have, the things I’m able to do and just the beauty of the world that is out there. Yes, there’s lots of ugliness and I don’t ignore it, however I choose not to focus on it.
All your points were great and I know I’m going to keep them in mind moving forward. Glad you had a great vacation and welcome home! I know your own bed always feels so much better after an extended vacation. 🙂
Hi Debbie! Thanks, it sounds like you found some of these ideas as helpful as I did. It is such a balance between feeling grateful for all the good in our lives and still being kind and compassionate to ourselves if we aren’t feeling up-to-speed mentally and emotionally. We all handle change/flux a bit differently and hopefully we’ve learned that we can deal with most anything that comes up if we are gentle with ourselves and others. Cuddy also mentioned in her conversation with Brene Brown that things are seldom as bad as we fear and at the same time, never seem to be quite as good as we hope. So in relation to the Pandemic that means that many were devastated by all the lost and fear during the height of the pandemic most of us have survived and managed to get through it. On the other hand, most of us thought that when the Pandemic seemed to have waned we would be overjoyed…and it didn’t quite happen that way. Good to keep in mind that many things are seldom as bad as we fear but at the same time they aren’t always as GREAT at we hope. (Although sleeping in my bed has been pretty sweet!) Thanks for your thoughts on this post. ~Kathy
Interesting post. I think there’s a big difference, as Suzanne suggested, between change that we initiate and change that is thrust upon us. The change we initiate may be disruptive to our lives and emotions, but it almost always brings growth and new horizons. The change thrust upon us, like Covid, is often negative and so the challenge, as you point out so usefully, is to realize that “resilience isn’t bouncing back to where we were—it is instead molding into a new reality.”
Hi Tom! Thanks. And yes it is true that change we initiate is MUCH easier to take than anything thrust upon us. Again, that is part of the reason that so many people made rather drastic changes during the last year–both to escape and to “initiate” some change that helped them feel more in control of their own lives. The challenge with change/flux at least for me is remembering that either way, there are ways to grow and learn regardless–and between that and our attitude we all have at least some measure of control. Thanks for your thoughts….and hey, I’ve been missing your blog posts! Coming back soon??? ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – I agree with Deborah — illuminating article! Thank you for sharing this.
The three phrases make sense to me. In our current phrase, I have been giving myself permission to slow down, unbusy myself and spend long, uninterrupted time doing what I love (i.e. hiking and reading) without thinking of what I ‘should’ be doing. I won’t remain in slowed-down mode forever, but I’m finding it very restorative and calming right now.
Hi Donna. Thank you–as always I’m glad you found it interesting! And if these times have brought us nothing else, I’m hoping it has allowed each of us to find what brings us the most comfort and joy. I’ve also learned that I REALLY like giving myself permission to just write and post when and what I feel like! While it is a bit hard to “resist” the urge to do what I’ve always done, I’m enjoying the freedom and peace of mind that comes from it. Who knows? These changes just might be our new “normal?” ~Kathy
I am a Registered Nurse and retired late July 2019. When Covid hit, at first I felt relief that I wasn’t in the middle of that. Then felt a bit guilty because I had the skills to help. I did go back and sign up to do vaccines for 3 months this spring and that was it. I did not renew my license and I am feeling just fine.
As for the flux of life? Well, there are activities I would love to do but not worth the risks even though I’m vaccinated. Life balance these days involves risk analysis at every turn and I think it will be this way until we are well into 2022.
Welcome home Kathy!
Hi Elle. I do think there is a lot of emotion (like guilt) tied up with what we’ve gone through…and are still going through. I have some in the area of “productivity.” I so enjoying taking a break this summer…and yes, I plan to relax quite a bit here on SMART Living. After years of putting out posts every single week because my own discipline demanded it, I going to just write and post when I feel like it! How’s that for being in choice!
May you and all of us continue to find the balance that brings us peace and wellbeing in the days ahead. ~Kathy
Kathy, along with the unhappiness out there, I see a lot of anger, bitterness, and division. I believe that your observation of being collectively stuck in the regression stage is completely accurate. People do feel out of control and the result is misery.
On a personal level, I think it helped that we sold our dinosaur of a house during this time. It was a change that we initiated, and ‘easier to accept’, as you say. The timing could not have been better, as I was beginning to feel trapped by the responsibility and needed something to change. Our current situation feels like freedom. I would never suggest that anyone shake things up for the sake of it, but sometimes it’s not a bad idea.
Even though we are in the ultimate state of flux right now, (home free) I still feel as though we have entered the rebuilding phase. I draw optimism from knowing that we have choices. We are not in control, but we do have choices. Beautifully written post, Kathy. Thank you.
Hi Suzanne. I would agree that this unsettled feelings that most of us are having manifest in different ways…some of which are destructive like that anger and bitterness. I’ve always believed that deeply unhappy people do anything they can to feel better about themselves and that often looks pretty ugly. Understanding that helps me at least deal with that and try not to react in ways that looks similar!
But good for you for making some of the changes you’ve recently made in your life. From what I’ve read on your blog a lot of it comes from wanting to be of help to your mom (or is it your MIL?) And getting rid of “stuff” (including a really big house) is always a good idea IMHO. I’m glad you are feeling that you are in a positive rebuilding phase and that you are starting to feel more settled. As you said, you are not in control but you do have choices! ~Kathy
Kathy, we weren’t thinking benevolently at the time we considered moving in with my MIL, but it has resulted in a mutual benefit. What we wanted to accomplish more than anything was the ‘big purge’ before we get too old to handle the physical and mental stress.
I agree with you about ‘deeply unhappy people’ and the things they do to feel better about themselves. There is this guy, (a frequent commenter on our Neighborhood Website) who constantly says nasty things just to provoke. I actually feel sorry for him and wonder how miserable his life must be. What I don’t know, of course, is why.
On the other hand, I have a friend whose husband is dying of a horrible disease and she is the most positive person I know. I think it has a lot to do with how we are wired and having faith in something beyond ourselves.
I so agree Suzanne that some of us seem to be better able to handle the experiences that happen in our lives better than others. I happen to find all of that fascinating and I’m guessing you do to. And I agree that having a great awareness in something bigger than ourselves helps a lot…and sometimes just having an awareness of our own inner strengths/weaknesses and personal values and purpose makes a huge difference too.
I agree that most of us are probably feeling this way – I am. There is a general trend of unhappiness everywhere. For many different reasons. Now that winter is arriving in the Northern hemisphere, I think this atmosphere will only get worse.
Lots of truth in your article, but, easier said than done. Yes, “every change is an opportunity for growth, for learning and for improvement,” but when you’re stuck in a rut that is hard to get out of, seeing the positive in our situations is difficult. Our moods and experiences affect a lot of that attitude. We will keep trying! 🙂
Hi Liesbet! I’m not sure I would call it unhappiness per se….at least for me. More a sense of WTH is going on with me and everyone else…hahaha. But I definitely agree that these times aren’t “easy.” The tendency is either to run away and escape or somehow ignore it all and pretend everything is just “fine.” I don’t think there is any wrong way to do it…but for those of us who prefer to learn and continue growing this is a perfect time to “lean in” and see what pops up. Don’t give up! ~Kathy
So accurate and well explained. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much Chris!
Hi Kathy,
I love this article – it’s powerful and so helpful to try to understand all the mixed feelings and reactions. This was very illuminating. Thanks!
Hi Deb! Thank you so much. I know from recent conversation that the “uncertainty” of these times has been on both our minds. I found exploring this idea was helpful and hoping it serves the same for others. Talk soon! ~Kathy