This week I’m happy to introduce you to Dr. Gary Lange as my guest blogger while I am traveling. Gary is a personal friend whom I’ve known for over 20 years. He lives locally, and besides seeing clients in his private practice, he also writes and teaches psychology at the nearby Cal-State University. While Gary and his husband Robert live very rightsized lives, he also spends much of his time focused on relationships and self-awareness. Thank you, Gary, for filling in for me and sharing some of your ideas with all of us.
Serene or anxious?
Extroverted or introverted?
Methodical or impulsive?
Happy or glum?
Cautious or open-minded?
Past or Future-oriented?
Recently a graduate student of mine asked about the best ways to get to know herself. For many this may seem like an onerous project, so here are a few suggestions. You could always ask your friends and family but often they are not objective enough and are more likely to list things that stand out to THEM or bother them. That’s why I often suggest you ask yourself who you look up to, admire as an inspiration, or mentor you? If you can talk to these people, they may be able to give you some insight.
Often we feel less than others because we compare “our insides to others’ outsides.” This means we know all of our own inside feelings, thoughts, desires and memories, so when we compare ourselves to others’ outside actions, we come up way short. Others look and sound so much better on the outside than we feel on the inside. But even the most spiritual and balanced individuals can get frustrated or short with their spouse at home. We all have human emotions and challenges on this path called life.
Four suggestions I lean on for helping people discover who they are, include:
1) Myers-Briggs Personality Test. Take a few minutes now, click on this link and complete the free Myers-Briggs test.
Even if you think you know the results, you may want to take it again and find not only your letters but also the percentages. For example, if you are 94% extroverted that is very high. We all need to know if we need people around us and are energized by them (Extroversion) or are drained by others and need time alone to recharge our batteries (Introversion). It is best if we know this about our family and friends also. Do they need time to process issues or changes or can they respond quickly?
Another scale on this test deals with how we get and direct our energy. Some people are highly intuitive and imaginative. They are amazed at the information that comes to them even without having the facts like some others. This second group is more practical, highly observant and down-to-earth with strong habits. If your spouse is this second kind, don’t expect him/her to quickly or easily change life-long habits.
A third scale on the Myers-Briggs Personality test deals with whether you think or feel your way to making decisions and dealing with your emotions as well as others people’s emotions. Some highly emotional people often think that anyone who can see their way through an issue as being “cold.” Again, while this doesn’t excuse their behavior, it just may have a cooler, more objective personality style. As Kathy has written before, many think a high IQ is important. But EQ or Emotional Intelligence is more important in life. How people feel around us is usually more important than how intelligent we are.
Most of the couples I deal with in psychotherapy are opposites on the “J” decisive, organized scale while their partner is often “P” flexible and spontaneous. They may have been attracted to each other’s differences but this can bring strife in their relationship. I often use the example of the couple who are planning a vacation. The “J” partner plans numerous details in advance including hotels, activities and even having the car filled with gas and extra water to drink. The “P” partner gets up that morning and decides to either take their car or some other means of transportation and have an adventure. Together they soften their partner’s extremes but this can also lead to arguments or frustrations.
A final scale is Assertive vs. “T”. As we know, assertive people are self-assured, “blaze the trail” forward and don’t look back much. The other style is more sensitive to stress and if they have had a recent change or tragedy, their score may be higher since they are more self-conscious, perfectionistic and success-driven.
Once you know your specific personality type, you can look up really helpful video descriptions of it on YouTube.
We each have personality traits and none of them are wrong. We all are different and as we learn more about WHO WE ARE, our life and relationships flow more smoothly.
2) The second of my four recommendations involves analyzing ALL of your human interactions. Monitor how EVERY human interaction plays out and how it feels. When it doesn’t flow smoothly, our first reaction might be to blame the other and build a protective wall so that it can never happen again. (Sometimes people quit a job or end a relationship over one incident—remember they may have had a tragedy, bad day or were drunk and would apologize the next day.) I am encouraging you to look at YOUR part. After all, we can only change our side of the situation, and if you had said or done something slightly different, would the outcome have been better?
Recently I read about a woman who was taken as a hostage at gunpoint, but she listened and was compassionate with the gunman to the point where he surrendered himself. She knew and used her skills to bring about a much better ending. When you have an uncomfortable interaction with a salesperson, coworker or family member, look at YOUR part. Then do your best to avoid being so attached to your position that you can’t later come up with things you could have said or done differently. Make mental or literal notes about these things so you can learn more about WHO YOU ARE.
3) Another suggestion for learning more about who you are is to note, for example, the high and low points of each day. In the 12 step programs, the tenth step is to take a daily inventory. Whatever worked really well for you, try to enjoy that, be grateful, and try to do it again. Look at the low point and see what you could have done differently and/or what you might change. I encourage people to literally write these down or dictate them into notes on your phone and occasionally look back over them to see patterns for possible changes.
4) Finally, do just that—make a change. Consciously try to change one thing each day. Note it and watch how you feel.
Hopefully by now you have learned what your personality style is and more about WHO YOU ARE. Every day do your best to sand down any rough edges so you can live a more comfortable and SMART Life for all 365 days of the year.
Gary Lange, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who works with people who are addicted, anxious or having problems in their relationships. Dr. Lange has also served as a professor of Psychology with Cal State University, San Bernardino for the past twenty years. He has been a long time friend of Kathy Gottberg and delighted to contribute to SMART Living 365.
Okay, your turn? Do you know believe that you know who you are? Have you taken any of these tests before? Do they offer any insights that will help you live a SMART Life? Please share in the comments below.
I have done the Myers-Briggs several times over the years. The first time more than 30 years ago, I was an INTJ. Every time since then, it has been INTP. I am high on the I and the N, but very low on the T and P (close to the F and J). Apparently, I am highly logical and analytical. I suppose that is true, but I also have creative, spontaneous, and caring/emotional aspects to my character that don’t seem to be reflected by the scores.
Jude
Thank you so much, Gary, for the insightful article. I’m somewhat surprised at my percentages as most are very similar with no extremes. As you have commented to an earlier responder, I feel my J-T is more exaggerated at this time of my life due to four family members passing away in the past few years. Dealing with stressful situations is a challenge we all have from time to time, but I will try to change one thing each day, as you suggested, in hopes that this will help me to focus on new challenges and deal with the stress ina more positive way. Thanks again for your thoughts!
Sorry MJ about your losses–that is a real challenge. No wonder your “T” is elevated. Your “J” ability to plan or organize will help with the stress and recovery. Yes changing one thing today is a great start in the right direction.
Thanks, Gary, for the insight, link to the personality test, and the encouragement to make the time to explore who I am more deeply. In reviewing my results, it was eye-opening, but at the same time it was an affirmation of how I see myself and how others may see me. I’ve taken similar tests before with similar results, but to take it again is a great reminder.
Thanks Cathy. I know you are an insightful person always willing to improve yourself. Keep that up and I am guessing you and I have a very similar personality style:)
Hi Gary, such great and useful information. I was introduced to MBTI as a young married and discovered by husband and I were polar opposites which did not bode well for that marriage. I teach as a university lecturer and use these assessments with a management class early on as a way of teaching self-management. How will these young folks ever manage others if they don’t know how to manage themselves? I am a True colors trainer and use that one in the classroom and staff trainings. It really is eye opening to the students and I believe helps them focus on a realistic future as a manager. Hope you are enjoying your break, Kathy!
Great Terri,
Glad you know and use these tests and how useful they can be. In therapy, I have all couples take this or similar tests to give them information not just about themselves, but also about their partner.
Thanks Gary for making a step back and thinking about our part of a conversation!
Yes Pat. There must be an old saying that goes something like “Slow down and think before acting!”
In general, I like doing these tests, as I love answering questions and doing interviews, and – potentially – learning more about myself. But, I find doing these personality tests difficult. Most of the time, I don’t really have an answer, because certain situations make me feel and react differently than others, so there is no one straight answer. Or, one day, I might answer a question different than the next day, because of how I feel. What I’m saying is that it is very hard to put myself in a category or a box. I’m an extrovert some days and in certain situations, but introvert in others. I’m often extremely impulsive, but I’m also very organized and need some sort of a short-term plan to get things done… I guess I’ll never figure out who exactly I am, but I’m OK with that. 🙂
Thanks Liesbet and it is OK to be broad and not easy to pinpoint. The Myers Briggs personality test still can give you a guide. Perhaps someone close to you could sit beside you and give you their best guess of how you who answer. Take it a couple of times and note your percentages and you will be pretty close to who you are.
Hi Gary and everyone! I am very happy to see that this post is bringing up new conversations and getting people thinking. Me too! Even though my vacation is winding down some…and yes, I’ll be back next week, I’ve been reading along and paying attention although I haven’t taken all the time to comment to everyone. Thank YOU Gary for filling in and like my other guest posters, doing such a nice job of answering comments. It’s always fascinating to me what people read and focus on in each article…but then, maybe that’s because the test says I’m a: ENFJ 🙂 ~Kathy
No worries, we have this week covered! Keep charging your battery so your “E” is energized and…
Gary, I love all the “personality tests” – Myer’s Briggs, Enneagram, Birkman. I’ve even done the Neuro-color, Archetype, Love Language, and Spiritual Strengths ones. Maybe I’m a test-junkie (my archetype is Sage), but I’ve learned nuances about how I react to things from all of the descriptions and it’s helped me understand how others react differently and that’s ok (suppressing a bit of the high J).
Because, I am an ISTJ in Myer’s Briggs (low IS, high TJ). I’ve worked to be more EN as my job demanded it, but I’m a natural IS. I’m married to an ISFP (for 26 years), so I understand the planner versus non-planner dynamics!
It’s been years since I’ve done a daily inventory, so will be trying that on again. I do daily emotional monitoring, but not throughout the course of the day. Thanks for the suggestion.
Kathy – thanks for introducing us to Gary! Hope your trip is going great.
Thanks Pat. Glad IS has matched IS for so many years. The others give you two some energy and help remind you each how you are different. The best to the both of you.
Good to meet you here Gary — so good to hear that a young person is trying to know herself better. Hopefully, your tips are just the beginning of a lifelong quest for her. Personally, I’ve taken the Myers-Briggs – and many other personality-type tests NUMEROUS times but I went ahead and tried again just now. As usual, I am a strong ENFP. But this reminded me of one time I came up as TJ – I just realized that it was following a very painful point in my life when I was living more reactively than authentically. Interesting that this situation would trigger a different result. Have you found that in your practice?
Yes Janet, stress can exasperate everything as we know. Look at not only your letters but the percentages also. If you are close, at one point you might lean more the other way. If you were in a painful situation you may have needed to make some TJ thoughts and decisions to help you get through it. Life is a journey…
Indeed!
Great article, Gary! I love the Myers-Briggs test but then my personality type (NT) enjoys taking personality tests. May I also recommend a book, “Please Understand ME” – it really helps understand what all the personality types mean.
Yes Carol, that book also explains personality styles very well. The new You Tube assists are also good. Keep intuiting along…
Love this article. Well done! Very cogent, thoughtful, and most importantly, helpful article. I will take the test. You said very meaningful things, and the one that made me go huh, was when you said that we often compare how we feel inside, to how someone looks outside. So true and interesting. It’s one of those things you do subconsciously without realizing it. So thanks for tbh he insights!
Thanks Ray,
Yes apples and oranges are similar but not the same. How I feel on the inside may be like an orange, but others’ outsides are like apples.
I loved your article! It was just what I needed after a summer full of family and friends visiting. I haven’t taken the test but it is top on my “to do” list.
Thanks Becky. Even wonderful family visits can test our limits. The more we know about ourselves surely the better.
Hi, Gary – It’s nice to meet you here. Thank you for sharing these very useful (and doable) strategies. I especially liked your reminder that “we can only change our side of the situation.” It is so easy to blame and expect others to change without reflecting inwardly and adjusting our own words and actions.
BTW – I think I met your dog last year when Kathy and Thom were pet-sitting. 🙂
Yes Donna, we must look at our behavior and change just what is in our own power.
Yes Tisha the test and ideas can always helps us improve on this path of life.
Great article , Gary. I’ll take the test again to see if I’ve “grown” in the past 25 years.
Hi Gary, I really like #3…and another way to do this is I find it powerful if I can check in with Kathy at the end of each day to dialogue about the days highs & lows. Helps us get clear on issues that bother us and we also discuss ways to move past or repeating undesired outcomes. Regarding the Myers-Briggs test…OMG I guess I am getting more extraverted in my old age (ENFP-A). Thanks for all the good reminders/ideas and I will do my best to remember, that I can change one thing each day to make my life a bit better.
This simple high and low exercise I have used with countless couples and families. It gives us the opportunity to deal with both daily and then as you always say “We get to make up the rest of it…”
As usual, Gary’s insights and ideas provide a helpful nudge in the right direction of life. However, we need more nudges, so, keep writing more!
Thanks Jim. As a regular writer of your own provocative blog “It’s Ethics Stupid” it is nice to be challenged to nudge in the “wright” directions!
Thanks Gary. Great article!
Great to hear from you Deborah. Feel free to forward the article to anyone who you think might be wondering who they are and why their relationships aren’t working.
Thanks Haralee, it really is a good, simple, quick and accurate test. I use it all of the time with clients. Today it is free and you can look at the You Tube videos afterward. It also really helps to get to know those around you and see how they are intrinsically “wired” differently. There also are some interesting and common familial similarities.
I am going to take the test again it has been decades! Such great points. Thanks