Last week Thom and I held a discussion group with friends. Our topic was to share any quotes that we felt had influenced our lives in a long-lasting and profound way. It was harder than you think because all of us love quotes and like me, had hundreds to choose from. Then I found it. My quote was one that I read in an old, old newspaper column by Ann Landers (I said it was old, didn’t I?) It meant so much to me I cut it out and saved it all these years. The fact that it was by one of my favorite authors, Ralph Waldo Emerson, made it even more special. But what has occurred to me since then was how it subtly influenced me all these years and how it became a tribute to what I hoped to be when I got older. I wonder how many of us take the time to consider the “messages” we absorbed when we were younger and how they continue to influence our lives. Did we become who we always hoped to be?
In case you are wondering, the quote I referred to by Emerson is:
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”
When many of us graduate from high school we seem to have a fairly clear idea of what we want to be when we grew up. I didn’t. While some things appealed to me: teacher, nurse, even a doctor. I do remember thinking I would like to learn to fly airplanes but the path to get to that seemed unreachable. I didn’t even know who to ask. (Remember this was before Google!) I also loved to read but it never once occurred to me that I could be a writer. After all, I came from a family of blue-collar workers with no higher education, so my choices seemed very narrow. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Plus, while I managed good grades, my family offered no encouragement for continuing with my education. Still, I knew I could go to the local community college because I could work, support myself, and continue learning for several years—and I knew I liked to learn. Maybe then I would find out what I wanted to do?
I’m actually very happy with the way my life turned out in spite of the fact that I started out so clueless. In fact, I have come to the conclusion that in some ways, especially for me, the fact that I wasn’t slotted into a career path turned out the best for me. Looking back there are dozens of things that would have interested me enough to pursue (if I’d only known about them). But then my life would have been completely different. Would I have been as happy? Who knows? Would I have been more “successful?’ Who knows and by what measure? But isn’t that part of the problem? If we only focus on what we want to “do” rather than who we want to “be,” who decides the measuring sticks for creating a good life?
The beauty of the Emerson quote helps to remind me that we have choices about who we want to be at every stage of our lives. Sure, it’s good and often important to have an occupation that utilizes your talents and allows you to contribute to your world. But ultimately, isn’t it who we are as people a higher priority? Aren’t our values of more importance? And it also got me wondering if we should ask younger people what kind of people they want to be (rather than what they want to do) when they grow up. That allows them to put the focus on what matters most for a happy and fulfilled life.
In my last blog post I wrote about how easy it is for us to confuse the map with the territory. Isn’t that like thinking that our resume or our jobs are our identity? Sure, our occupations are important and most of the time necessary, but we are so much more than that. And when the time comes to let go of those jobs, isn’t it good to know that we will keep on being the kind of people we have chosen to be? Maybe rather than identifying with what we know or believe it would be better to identify with what we value. We also aren’t the stuff or possessions we have. If we identify with those things, then when they are gone, we won’t know who we are. Far better to be a being that does things, rather than a doing who can’t imagine who it wants to be.
I guess my point is that it is never too late to remember that we get to make it up. We get to decide the people we want to be in the days ahead. Even now as we are all getting older, I believe it is important for us to make that commitment to ourselves to be the people we aspire to be (I call it Positive Aging). I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to grow to elderly as a worried, cranky, judgmental, suspicious relic who used to do great things. Instead, I want to continue to learn, and use the quote by Emerson to continue to guide my life. After all these years I still believe he offers a SMART perspective for us all.
Kathy you have the most thought provoking articles. I get so worked up while reading I actually have to walk around. That is a quote I could live by. I wanted to be a cowgirl like Sally Starr and a lot of other things including a nun (go figure.) When I think back in addition to her cool outfit it was the feeling Sally Starr gave me when I sat in front of our B&W TV watching her. She was kind, she laughed a lot and I felt safe, I felt happy, I felt loved. I have had an interesting life and I am here now. I will definitely make it my mission going forward to be kinder, to laugh a lot and to help others to feel safe, happy and loved. Thank you for the wonderful article!!!
Hi Kathy. My ten-year-old self wanted to be an artist, writer, or queen when I grew up. I did NOT want to be a nurse, secretary, or teacher, the main careers available to girls in those days. As it turned out, I have ended up more or less doing all of those careers, the ones I thought I wanted, as well as those I did not. I have done art all my life and exhibited in galleries and sold paintings. I am currently a writer. My stretch in senior university leadership fulfilled the “queen” goal. My early career as a speech-language pathologist in rehab hospitals shared some characteristics with “nurse.” As a university professor, I was a teacher and also, essentially, my own secretary.
As a young person, I looked ahead to a life full of wondrous possibilities, and I wanted to do them all! One of the ones I’m still working on is trying to become multilingual. Another one that is a lifelong project is being a parent.
Jude
Hi Jude! Good for you for having a clear intention of experiences you wanted to achieve during your life. But I didn’t quite hear if you also had clear intentions about the kind of person you wanted to “be?” I do believe that is as important (if not more important) for us all no matter what our age. Then no matter how exalted or humble those occupations we explore, when they are past we have the satisfaction that we can always be that! ~Kathy
Kathy – thank you for another thoughtful post. I’ve always tried to embrace the idea of “being” over “doing” – for myself and my children. Your post is certainly a great reminder as I am working through what I want my next (or additional) iteration of “what I do for income” to be. Thank you!
Once again, such a meaningful post, Kathy. When I was little, I had absolutely no vision of myself as an adult. I never played dress up or pretended to be a mommy or a teacher or any adult role. And in some ways, that continued, in the sense that at different points in my life, I found myself doing things (career wise, “identity” wise) that I had not foreseen or planned for. At times this caused me a lot of distress, as I began to disengage from the identity I had so deeply attached myself to. I was envious of people like my dad who know from the age of 11 that he wanted to be a pilot and never wavered.
Eventually, I was able to see this pattern clearly enough to let go of the need to have a continuous external identity. Even though I retired from a job I loved and held for 20 years, I knew by then that these identities are more fluid than we might realize, and letting go was all right.
I love that quote, and it highlights so beautifully the values that are not so external and transitory. Like you, I would have a hard time going back to my early years and finding a single quote out of so many that have inspired me, but you chose a perfect one. What greater success could we have than that one described by Emerson?
Hi Galen! How very interesting that as a child you never projected yourself into being an adult. I wonder how many other did that too? While I never saw myself as a mommy, I did see myself as a grown up Barbie that like to go places and do things. And yes, attaching yourself with the identities we can pick up along the way can be challenging. But as far as your dad was, do you think he was stuck in that identity or was it just such a part of him that he was okay. I’m hoping that’s who he really was, but I can’t help but wonder if he was so hidden in it he didn’t know if there was a difference?
And good for you for learning about the pattern early enough to have it help you as you go. There have been a couple of times in my life that I really wanted to “be” my doingness, so that when it went away I mourned the loss. But I’m happy to say I think (most of the time) I realize that my inner Self is beyond that. And yes to the broad definition of success that Emerson gave us so long ago. ~Kathy
I think my dad was very comfortable in his pilot identity. He saw his first plane at age 11 (a biplane landed in a field at the county fair!) and became a pilot in the very early days of aviation. He always loved planes, and even after he couldn’t fly anymore, he started building and flying radio controlled model airplanes as a hobby. In fact, that is what he was doing when he died — it was the perfect death.
Wow! It certainly sounds like it was a profound part of his beingness. Whenever I hear a story of such strong and purposeful intention from a young age I find it easy to believe in reincarnation. Of course that’s the topic of another conversation. And yes, a perfect way for him to leave this planet. ~Kathy
Kathy, you have seriously pinpointed a big difference between my thinking in retirement and previously. Then, I was defined by what I wanted to do career-wise and the whole world gears you up for it starting with”What do you want to do when you grow up,” to networking where the constant question is: “What do you do?” Now, happily retired, I have consciously worked on simply being.
Hi Caree! I so agree. It’s similar to the old question, “Are you a human being or a human doing?” And like I replied to Debbie, I can’t help but wonder if we asked that “Who do you want to be?” question more often, people wouldn’t wait until retirement to ask it more often. Not sure but it would be interesting to find out don’t you think? Meanwhile, enjoy your beingness! ~Kathy
Great article! For myself, I went from wanting to be a cartoonist to being a doctor. Well I finished the first year of pre-med and realized I hated it. So, I switched to a psychology major. I finished up my undergraduate degree however never continued onto a master’s. I believe the education has served me well throughout my life.
When I found a full-time job, I discovered I had a knack for business, management and accounting. That’s what comprised most of my working career. I thoroughly enjoyed it, grew and prospered with all the knowledge I gained there. My university education also served me well.
I’ve had several different careers as I’ve always believed there’s nothing I can’t accomplish. I guess that goes to your “be who you want to be not what do you want to be”. Luckily for me, they mostly meshed. Yes, there have been some very bad and difficult times and decisions, however, those also had lessons to teach.
I find now that I’m retired, I’m more settled than I’ve ever been and happy with who I am, where I am and what I’m doing. I never thought I’d have a website and we do! Life throws wonderful little surprises and adventures if you just continue to look for them.
I agree this should be emphasized more in the younger generation. If we can teach them to aspire to be their best selves, who knows what benefits they and the world would reap from such a change in philosophy.
Thanks Kathy and have a fantastic week!
Hi Debbie. Good for you for exploring so many options when you were younger. Like I said in my post, I had very little “variety” in what I was capable of all those years ago so I just wandered around for years. Like you I did like to learn so that worked out for me. And lucky you that you were able to find occupations that you mostly enjoyed. I do wonder however that if more people focused on who they wanted to be rather than what they wanted to do, people would be so much more content and satisfied in their occupations so that there wouldn’t be this huge attraction to retirement. Because Thom and i have always been self-employed and created work lives that “fit us” we are in no rush to retire fully–because we really like what we do. So if more people really liked what their “beingness” led them to be, maybe they could/would work much longer? Does that make sense? I’m just thinking here so don’t have the answer but seems like something true to me. What do you think? ~Kathy
Good idea about the young people. I can’t wait to ask my grandson what kind of person he wants to be. In terms of doing, he had thought he wanted to be a teacher; he recently decided he wanted to be a Dad instead. Being or doing, he’s got lots of time to decide. He’s 6.
Hi Annie! I so agree that at 6 your grandson has plenty of time. But I can’t help but believe that if you make a practice of asking him repeatedly while he grows, it might germinate into something awesome. (There will be plenty of others asking him the “do” question!) But that also makes me think we should be asking each other that question on a more regular basis as well. Like, “So Annie, who do you want to be today? or this week?” I think if people asked that of me regularly it would help me remember what is most important to me at this time in my life. What do you think? ~Kathy
Kathy – reading your post made me realize that I always knew what I wanted to do, but not what I wanted to be. And so I followed my heart and luckily what I wanted to do, ended up in a long, happy career in family support and community development. Now that I am recently retired I am once again focused on what I want to do! Helen
Hi Helen! So nice to hear that what you wanted to do when you were young turned out as what you wanted to be as well. Lucky you! And yes, now once retired we have those same questions to answer. Just don’t neglect the “being” vs “doing!” Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
I want to take things in an easy stride…also to laugh more and hopefully “to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.” Great Kathy.
Hi Gary. Your statement is a lovely intention of who to be in the coming days. Glad you liked the post. ~Kathy
I’m pretty happy with the various paths I have taken over the years. They didn’t all work out like I first thought, but I’m so grateful to be right here, right now. Your last paragraph sums it up nicely, that we can all “be the people we aspire to be.” Coulda, woulda, shoulda never got anyone anywhere.
Hi Janis! Think how boring life would be if everything turned out exactly like we planned?? (and that is coming from a planner like me!!) What’s the saying, “people plan and God laughs!” I find that being able to plan AND to then flow with what happens is a paradox that works pretty well for me. And through that all, hopefully we turn out the way we hope. Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – Thank you for another very thought-provoking post. A few years back, blogger Lisa Dorenfest wrote about how each exact road, curve and decision has lead us to the exact spot we are in this very moment. It was an excellent reminder for me. I am incredibly grateful for the life that I have today. This in turn makes me grateful for each path that took me here — even the more difficult and questionable ones!
Hi Donna. Thank you. Glad you liked it. I agree with Lisa that everything that has happened to us up to now was a necessary step to get us to who we are today–big things and little things. And it is good to be grateful and happy where we find ourselves. I just wonder how many others can say the same. I have a very privileged life in so many ways so it is perhaps easier for me to be happy with it. Others seem to have it much tougher. Of course, because I believe “we get to make it up” I hope that acknowledges that some start out a higher on the “ladder” than others but even then, being willing to take ownership of our choices (at least those in our control) is for me, a big part of our ability to be grateful for what we have become. And yes, even when faced with those difficult and questionable choices. Plus wouldn’t you say that who we’ve decided to be is the culmination of it all… (or maybe that is what you were saying after all!) Thanks for your thought-provoking reply!! ~Kathy
What a brilliant idea to start asking teenagers what kind of people they want to be (rather than what they want to do) when they grow up. I couldn’t agree more with your post, Kathy. We only have one life and we should become who we want to be instead of what society expects from us. Happiness is possible when we feel complete and accomplished and that can be achieved in many different ways. I can see why you love that quote. It packs a punch and covers all the basics. 🙂
Hi Liesbet. I can only imagine how children would respond and be changed but such a focus but like you, I can’t help but think it would be good. And while I do think (and I think you do too) that we have a responsibility to others and our planet, just focusing on economics and productivity at the cost of personal growth and actualization is not healthy. As you say, happiness can be achieved in so many ways and I tend to believe intuitively that we’d figure out ways to make it work if given the encouragement. And yes, doesn’t Emerson’s quote speak to what’s important for us all? Thanks for your thoughts. ~Kathy
Ralph Waldo Emerson is a favourite of mine – so many little snippets of wisdom (including life being about the journey and not the destination). I never actually figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up – I’ve kind of morphed from one thing into another – and atm I’m actually finding that retirement is my greatest discovery so far (who’d have thought?) I really like that life still has so much to teach me – and I certainly want to be remembered as someone who was always growing and not stagnating.
Hi Leanne. Isn’t it nice that we have so many options and weren’t forced into occupations that may or may not have served us? I think we all know people who picked something early on, did a bunch of schooling, and then are committed to work that they never really picked for themselves and likely never even liked. But they can’t (or won’t) quit because of all that time and money invested in getting there. It sounds like you (and I) have had the gift of being able to flow with our lives. And now it is even better. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. ~Kathy
Nice post. When I was growing up, I first wanted to be a cowboy, then later on, I wanted to be a hero. Alas, I’ve failed on both accounts. But it’s a great quote from Emerson, and I know one thing … I’m still working on it all.
Hi Tom! I hope that we are all still “working on it!” What’s the saying? It isn’t over until it’s over! Which I think applies to life as well. And I’m guessing that some people in your life think of you as their hero so don’t discount that! ~Kathy
When I was 9 I seriously wanted to be a surgeon. Remember Joe Gannon on Medical Center? My hero. At 16 I fell in love on a first date. In 1978 married women didn’t go to Med School. I went to Nursing school-quit first semester thanks to a horrid teacher. Married at 19 and found a Surgical Technology program so I got to the surgery table in 1 year! Then to Nursing school again….and enjoyed 37 years in the Operating Room in various roles including building/directing a Surgery Center for 15 Orthopedic Surgeons (the role dreams are made of 😉
Never a regret! Our 42nd anniversary is coming soon 🙂
Hi Elle, Thanks for sharing your personal story of what you wanted to be and what you became. Most importantly it sounds like you were happy and fulfilled on the journey. Isn’t that the most important thing. And of course you provided a wonderful service for all you came in contact with. May your good continue. ~Kathy