Hi! My name is Kathy and I’m a happiness addict. Just about any article or podcast that explores the topic jumps to the top of my to-do list. That’s why, when I saw that The Atlantic magazine was hosting an all-day online conference called In Pursuit Of Happiness I signed up. While I only watched a small portion of it live, I later spent a couple of days listening to over a dozen speakers with a wide variety of “happy” topics. And you know what? Even though I am pretty well versed in happiness ideas and research, I learned a few things that I thought would be good to share. Interestingly enough, one of the suggestions about how to be happier included the idea that we should share anything we hold dear to us because that helps magnify the experience. So here goes!
Hosted primarily by author, Harvard professor and Atlantic columnist Arthur C. Brooks, the day began with the obvious question, “What is happiness anyway?” Brooks explained that he believes that happiness is made up of three “macro-nutrients.” They are; enjoyment, satisfaction and purpose. According to him, unhappiness isn’t the opposite of happy, it is instead when those three macro-nutrients tilt dramatically out of balance or when any one of them is missing altogether.
But Brooks doesn’t stop there. He suggests that there are four “Dishes of Happiness” that can keep our happiness, satisfaction and purpose in balance. Perhaps predictably they are faith, family, friendships and work. Of course he isn’t implying that you must be religious. Instead he teaches that faith is the need for a life philosophy bigger and more transcendent than yourself alone. That can be nature or any one of a number of things. He also doesn’t suggest that family means those directly related by blood. As for work, this is something that matters to you that you freely put out into the world. He believes each of these “dishes” need to be practiced a bit every day to keep us in balance.
While he covered a lot of ground over the course of the day, when addressing our emergence from the pandemic he offered some advice. Rather than asking ourselves: What did I miss out on during COVID? Or; What did I hate about 2020? Brooks suggests that we ask ourselves: What do I not want to go back to from before COVID? And; What did I like about 2020? By changing our focus we can learn from and grow toward great enjoyment, satisfaction and purpose in the future.
I particularly appreciated the three practical exercises Brooks offered to increase happiness. They were:
#1 Breaking The Social Media Habit. In this exercise Brooks shared that for every negative (COVID, politics, local news) you read on social media there is researched evidence that your sense of happiness decreases. Yet most of us are addicted to reaching for our phone to scroll through Facebook, Instagram or even Twitter without thinking. His suggestion is that we do a two-week experiment where we only grant ourselves 30 minutes per day on all of our Social Media accounts for two weeks. Plus, every day monitor how we are feeling emotionally and mentally. I’ve decided to take this one on myself. Want to join me?
#2 Reverse Bucket List. Brooks claims what most of us know already, that our satisfaction level is elusive. That’s because our level of satisfaction is not a function of what we have, it is actually our satisfaction divided by what we want. And our wants grow and expand especially when we focus on things like Bucket Lists. In other words, when we tell ourselves what we want (but don’t have) we decrease our satisfaction levels. His suggestion is rather than constantly adding to those lists, we slowly and consciously eliminate them by choice—hence, a reverse bucket list.
#3 Intention Without Attachment. Brooks doesn’t teach that we should just give up our intentions. In fact, he said that having a plan to get to where you want to be in the future adds to our sense of purpose and meaning. But he does recommend that if/when we have a big goal in the future, that rather than just focusing on that big goal, we break it down so that we intermediately, monthly, weekly and daily take small steps in that direction. The idea is not to focus on the end result but to set our direction along the way and enjoy the journey.
Another interesting speaker was Laurie Santos, podcast host and Professor of psychology at Yale. She reminded us that improving our social conditions and letting go of comparison were two important steps to being “happy with your life” rather than just “in” your life. Also providing good reminders was U.S. Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy. He explained that happiness to him is a combination of joy, fulfillment and meaning. Unfortunately our current definitions of success (power, wealth and fame) actually detracts from happiness. We might rather ask ourselves, “What do we want to center our lives around?” Most importantly he said, “Other people don’t gain by our lack of happiness. Instead, when we are fulfilled we are best able to contribute to the lives of others.” Murthy recommends two practices every day: 1) maintain eye-to-eye contact for at least 30 minutes a day with those you connect with (yes, even on Zoom); and 2) share a 22 second hug with someone close to you every two hours every day.
Towards the end Deepak Chopra, author and founder of the Chopra Foundation reminded us all that ultimately anything we are “pursuing” remains removed from us and is not something we embody. Instead, he believes that happiness is an eternal state within. Plus, happiness without resistance, attachment or reason is complete joy. Once we stop chasing happiness it will likely find us.
Yes there were more speakers with valuable information. But if I remember nothing else but these short ideas my level of happiness, satisfaction and purpose will stay high. Also at the top of the list is remembering as Brooks repeatedly said, “Happiness is love.” I tend to think it is short-sighted for any of us to believe we’ve read, heard or studied all there is to know about any subject—let alone happiness. Let’s keep in mind that the SMART approach is to stay open and willing to keep learning, growing and enjoying the journey as we go.
To Watch The Atlantic’s The Online Conference
Hi Kathy your blog should be required reading. I always learn something new and even find the comments from others insightful. I had such a happy feeling from just reading this. So true about limiting time on social media. The negativity found there is a real anxiety trigger for me. Would you believe after I read your “Right sized” post I also right sized my bucket list? I now enjoy even more of the simple pleasures I used to take for granted. I do agree with more hugs. I have really missed hugging over the past year. I just tried to get a 22 second hug from Darrel but he is watching TV with his eyes closed and wasn’t into it LOL I’ll time it better next time.
Sometimes I feel so happy that I feel guilty. Is that normal?
Hi Amanda! And THANK you! I am always glad to hear that my words get people thinking! And I LOVE that you say it helped you “rightsize” your bucket list. As far as getting Darrel to hug you for 22 second spans, I do my best to catch Thom when he’s standing and just just thinking about nothing in particular. And before he knows it I have him in my grasp… :-). What matters most is that you are feeling happy. That is no reason to feel guilty! ~Kathy
Good reminders, Kathy! I kept going back and forth on social media, until someone mentioned that I was a lot happier when I was off it. Although there are some downsides to not being on social media, I think my friend was absolutely correct in her assessment!
HI, Kathy – These are very useful takeaways. Reverse-bucket lists, and remembering that negative social media stories repeatedly (and continually) steal our happiness are great reminders for all of us.
A really nice post.
Hi Donna! Yes I know they are simple suggestions that seem obvious but it is helpful (at least to me) keep being reminded of them over and over. And I’ve been doing pretty well with my experiment of less than 30 minutes a day on FB 🙂 I don’t really follow anything too negative so that hasn’t changed much. But what I’ve found is that I have MORE TIME to do things that matter to me. It’s definitely a time waster for me. As for my reverse bucket list…I’m doing my best to keep my wants in level (or below) my satisfaction level and just knowing that helps. Thanks for checking in! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, I can always count on you to provide helpful, valuable insights. Thank you for this post. Hugs are great and easy to come by when I’m taking care of our two granddaughters. Mike might think me a little strange if I gave him a hug every two hours, but I’ll give it a try. I just got done interviewing two 90 year old women here in Cedar Rapids. They, too, gave me some valuable lessons on happiness. Be grateful for what I have, for starters. And be content with what I have, because in both cases there is a lot happiness lurking in all of it.
Hope all is well. My time meeting you in Palm Springs made me happy!!
Hi Kate! Good to hear from you! And I’ll bet your granddaughters are as happy with hugs as you are…and don’t count Mike out…it DOES grow on you. How awesome to talk to two elders that are sure to have lots of tips for you (and us all!) Will you be putting it in a blog post? I want to read it for sure. And yes, all is well here as I hope it is with you plus our still remember our time together and look forward to doing it again! Meanwhile, happy summer! ~Kathy
What gets me is that everyone says they want to be happy, and they seem to know that spending time on social media decreases happiness … and then they go and immediately jump on social media! It seems to me that social media is the mindless drug that TV used to be for us when we were younger. There was never anything wrong with watching a little TV, especially if it was PBS. Today there’s nothing wrong with spending a little time on social media, especially if it’s the PBS of social media — which is blogs like yours and mine!
Hi Tom! You are so right! We all KNOW that it isn’t good for us but we do it anyway…sounds like so much else available to us humans huh? Over eating (sweets)? drinking? gambling? Watching or reading news? on and on and on….and yet if we don’t pay attention and balance ourselves we can easily head down that slippery slope. It is all about balance…but now that you mention it…I suppose I do have to admit that our blogs are a bit of that social media enterprise. But it sounds so much better if we call it “news” or at least “educational” don’t you think? 🙂 ~Kathy
Kathy, I’ve taken Laurie Santos’ Happiness Yale course on Coursera and it was really good. I know that her course and the Positive Psychology courses I took during Covid definitely increased my understanding about happiness. And I do think I am happier now than I have ever been…even though some days are stressful! (moving is stressful). One thing I’ve noticed with the move is I’m on social media even less!
Hi Debbie! Ahhh…I knew you took a course on happiness from Yale but I didn’t put the two-and-two together. Yes I continue to find it incredibly helpful to continue to learn all that I can about the subject even if some of the info is the same. Besides, I nearly ALWAYS find some tidbit or two that is brand new and helpful. And since I started my SM experiment on Tuesday, I realize how much more time I have to do things that uplift me when I’m not scrolling mindlessly on FB!!! I don’t doubt that your moving experience can be stressful but I know you have lots of tools to help you deal with it and stay balanced. ~Kathy
Thanks Kathy, you always do good summaries. Imagine if everyone got 22 second hugs from safe people every 2 hours! Wow! I would love that. Fortunately I don’t give more than 15 minutes a day to social media and most have funny or informative posts. Lets keep the Happiness train going.
Hey Gary! Thanks YOU! And yes to the hugs. Thom and I have been working on that all week 🙂 and not only does it make me feel happier, we obviously feel very connected so I highly recommend it. As for social media, I don’t really think it is making me happier to limit it…but it does seem to give me a lot more time. For me it is a time waster. Now I pop on and then pop out and haven’t spent 30 minutes on any day. Oh, and I love the idea of a “happiness train.” Yes to keeping it going! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, Like you I am a consummate life-long learner. I believe that you should learn something new every day – no matter how small. That’s what keeps life exciting. So, you attending this conference and sharing your thoughts and ideas is perfect for that. You always have some little pearls of wisdom because of your voracious appetite for expanding your knowledge.
Happiness is something that we have written about as well. I have attended a lot of seminars from various sources (Hay House, etc.). And I agree with the points Arthur Brooks brought up. We have, also, tried to focus on the good things that came out of 2020. There’s no point on dwelling on what we had no control over – nothing’s going to change it. We’re grateful for our friends (and we found out who were friends and who were mere acquaintances) and remaining healthy.
Yes, the social media habit is a bad one. I’m not on there a lot (mostly for our blog) so I think I could take that challenge on. 🙂 I’d rather talk to people, go outside or cook personally. And I love the reverse bucket list. We should appreciate what we have more and not focus on what we don’t have.
It sounds like there were some phenomenal speakers on there. Laurie Santos and her “let go of comparison and to be happy in life and not with life. Vivek Murthy and his belief “we’re fulfilled when we’re able to contribute to the lives of others”. And, of course, Deepak Chopra (I’ve watched and read a lot of his stuff) and “happiness without resistance, attachment or reason is complete joy”.
Happiness truly is love. It’s elusive but not impossible to find. Sometimes, I think we just need to get out of our way and out of our heads and be grateful for what we’ve been given, focus on all the positive things in our lives and not worry about things we have no/little control over. It would make life so much simpler I think :-).
Thanks for sharing all this information! I did learn something new and so it’s a good day all the way around. Great article with lots of knowledge. Have a great weekend, Kathy!!
Hi Debbie!
I’m guessing from a lot of your comments that you and I have a lot in common. Thom and I used to call ourselves “workshop junkies” because we so used to (and we still do although not as much) sign up and take workshops on all sorts of things especially related to self improvement and consciousness. If you’ve done Hay House I’m guessing you are the same there! And though we’ve known a lot of people who say that much of the info is similar, we find it extremely valuable to keep hearing it over and over and from different perspectives. I think if you want to really absorb stuff you need to, right? Sort of like immersion therapy for learning a new language. it has literally changed our lives. I’m sure if we lived closer (have I asked you already where you live?) then we could sit and chat for hours about some of the things we’ve learned along the way. It’s really nice to meet other friends who blog but even nicer when we have lots in common. ~Kathy
Thank you for a great summation! I am by nature a happy person and feel that I have enjoyment and satisfaction in abundance, but I wonder about the purpose leg of my three-legged happiness stool. Somewhere I have the book, The Power of Purpose” gathering dust on a shelf… maybe I need to search for it and crack it open again.
Hi Janis! I agree that you are a happy person and I am starting to believe that so many people have different definition of “purpose” and that could be one of the reasons that your “stool” is missing a leg. I actually read that book you mention but I think that depending upon the perspective you have before you start, you might be influenced. I’m guessing that this and our recent conversation will make for a great blog post in the future. Stay tuned! ~Kathy
I really enjoy your books and articles, they have really helped me at this point in my life. I wanted to say that I once heard someone say that in order to have “Joy”, you only need 3 things,1) Something to Love, 2) Something to do, and 3) Something to look forward to. I try to keep this in mind everyday, and it has helped keep me happy, centered and focused.
Hi Karen! Thank you. And thank you for sharing those three things. I completely agree and can certainly see how keeping them in our minds would be so beneficial. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
You mentioned Laurie Santos I your post so I just wanted to let you and everyone know that she teaches a free online course through Yale (Coursera). It is 10 weeks or shorter if you like because you work at your own pace. I just finished it and I can’t say enough about how much I learned and enjoyed the content. As a professor profess Santos is authentic and engaging. She interviews authors and included lots of supplemental articles and books. Thanks for all of your hardworking. I never miss a post. Be well.
Cindy from Oakville, Ontario
Hi Cynthia! Thank you so much for letting me/us know about that course. It sounds really interesting and the short time I watched her during this course I could also tell she is authentic and engaging. I will definitely check out her class. And thank you for letting me know you appreciate my blog! I hope you are staying warm? I heard there was snow near you this morning! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy – there’s so much simplicity to happiness when you think about it – our Western world tends to complicate things with too many choices and too many “wants”. I’m finding that I’m very content with my world and I notice that there are times when I do a little skip step – which is kind of my happiness manifesting physically?? Whatever it is, I’m grateful for what I have and I stay focused on the positives rather than worrying about stuff I have little or no control over. It was nice to see that a lot of this resonated with the tips you shared today.
Hi Leanne! I think if you are ever inspired to skip, you are definitely experiencing happiness…or maybe even joy! I so agree that a focus and a conscious choose to choose positives is much better than worrying. Even when faced with tough and/or challenging circumstances we can always choose to see it differently. Glad you enjoyed my thoughts. ~Kathy