Last week a blogger friend posted an article about how the communication in our country has become very contemptuous. I agree. Anyone who has been on social media or watched any news has seen some very angry rhetoric thrown around—especially at anyone who doesn’t agree with them. While I’ve overreacted to a few things myself, I do work hard not to slide down that rabbit hole as much as possible. It’s one thing to state the facts and another to state your fear, anger and frustration. But the more I considered the idea, the more I questioned whether it is always necessary to stay “nice” rather than get a little nasty now and then. Is there ever a time it is called for, and if yes, do we give ourselves permission to go there when necessary?
Even as I ask that question, I am very aware of the “good girl” inside of me that reminds me that we should never be mean, even when it may be called for. I have also read and done some studying into nonviolent communication, so I know that violence only begets more violence so that should be avoided at all costs. I also like to think of myself as a well-read, well-studied and well-practiced person with spiritual ideals—who believes that we all share an underlying goodness (and yes, I do believe that in case you are wondering!) So, when I think about the idea of embracing my potential nastiness, I struggle with the idea.
But maybe it’s like Jimmy Buffett song Fruitcakes where he sings, “…there’s a fine line between Saturday night and Sunday morning.” When it comes down to it, maybe that line between nice and nasty isn’t as far apart as we typically believe. Plus, how and who’s doing the defining has a lot to do with it. And I’m guessing that women walk that line far more times than we usually admit. Psychotherapist and author Jo Ellen Gryzb claims we all suffer from “The Nice Factor.”
Gryzb believes the symptoms of niceness are everywhere: every time we can’t say no, anytime we let someone off the hook, whenever we avoid conflict to keep the peace, when we feel guilty for asking for something, or when we get roped into something we don’t want to do. She also believes that we act nice by apologizing all the time. She goes so far to say that, “When an apology isn’t genuine, psychologically you are saying you’re ashamed of yourself. It’s almost as if you are apologizing for your very being.” Ouch!
Of course, it isn’t easy to give up our “nice factor” when we have literally been trained or conditioned to live it since we were born. Nearly every woman I know was told as a child to be a “good girl,” to play nice, to do what you’re told, to smile even when she didn’t feel like it. We saw our parent’s light up when we played the good girl and frown or even yell when we didn’t. The same with teachers. We wanted our teachers to “be happy with us” so we played along, even when we really didn’t feel like it. When we grew older and it came to wanting boys to like us, we bent our natures to fit what they seemed to like best. Girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands? Sometimes it’s the same thing. Then you have a national leader who continues to call any women who speaks up or out against him or his actions as, “nasty.” And a portion of our country seems to agree. Who is right? Who is wrong? There’s that fine line again.
But rather than a right or wrong answer to the question, it is important to realize there is a downside to forcing all that niceness out and denying our nasty. Author, professor and therapist, Bob Taibbi believes that there are nearly ten reasons that our niceness can be problematic: They are:
1) We internalize by holding in negative and potentially damaging emotions that occur in the course of everyday life. That can lead to depression, anxiety and addiction.
2) We act out. For example, we overeat, over-medicate, over-shop or blow up at loved ones for no reason.
3) Heavy self-criticism. We constantly beat up on ourselves for not living up to our (or others) ideals.
4) Growing resentment toward others for holding us back and making us swallow our anger, frustration or hurt.
5) Suffering from burnout. We constantly get sick or feel exhausted.
6) We form inauthentic or stale relationships. Ever had a friend tell you long after her divorce that she knew she should never get married to that person? Or what about the woman who stayed in a relationship long after it was gone but didn’t leave because she didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings—or be seen as nasty?
7) It can lead to passive aggressiveness or controlling behaviors. When your expectations for yourself and others are very high, that often leads to a need to control (either directly or passively.) That, or you attempt to manipulate through guilt or passive aggressiveness. Chances are good that is your anger and unhappiness leaking out.
8) Full blown anxiety for always denying your true feelings in order to avoid confrontation or conflict.
9) Denial of your true self.
On a personal level I think this plays out for me when I see something posted on Facebook that is clearly false and/or extremely derogatory toward something or someone I believe unfairly targeted. I’ll admit that much of the time my first reaction is to say something equally negative in a superior and challenging way. But given a pause, I usually realize that will only throw fuel on a smoldering fire. So instead I typically attempt to offer a link to a reliable and clarifying bit of news and information without sounding too snarky. But is that enough? And is that denying my true feelings or allowing me to respond without passively accepting what is thrown about? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.
As I’ve mentioned in a number of numerous posts, I think it is time for many of us to speak up and not be afraid to be more direct, or a bit nastier if called for. In fact, I think it is time for me to get over my fear of being called or labeled nasty. Sometimes we really do need to speak up for certain values we believe in—but if we let our fears of being called nasty hold us back, we open ourselves up to all the downsides to being too nice (see above). And what is behind that fear anyway? It is likely the fear that others won’t like us, others will judge us, others won’t see us in the positive light we would like to be seen in. But you know what? If people judge me (or any of us) that way, there is a good chance that they judge us that way anyway—regardless of whether we play nice or not. That, or chances are good they aren’t really thinking of us at all. So, the more we hold ourselves back, the more we are, as Gryzb implies, actually pre-apologizing for our being. That’s not the way I want to live.
So, what can I/we do? Bob Taibbi offers these suggestions.
#1 Get in touch with how you are feeling. Why you feel that? And what is the underlying cause?
#2 Don’t avoid saying no, and never say yes when you really don’t want to do something.
#3 Use your anger as information. What is it telling you about what you want, need or don’t like?
#4 Be more honest with others and yourself. Refuse to just say you are fine when you know you’re not.
#5 When you feel like you are suffering from burnout, binging or any addiction, ask yourself what is behind it and what you might be denying.
#6 Push back against negative self-criticism. Work on feeling good about who you really are.
As I written about (and said before) what others think of me is really none of my business. And I have also come to realize that there is part of me that feels a very strong need to speak out when I see injustice happening around me. Will I be judged for it? Likely, but I would far rather be judged as a person who stood up against injustice rather than silently sat and watched it happen. I’m also more and more convinced that as a white, boomer woman who lives an upper middle-class lifestyle, that those privileges come with a price tag.
At the same time, I realize that speaking out can come from two different places. One is from a place of knowledge, caring and self-acceptance. The other from fear, anger and unworthiness. Just like when being judged as assertive by some people, others will call us aggressive. We can’t control how others see us or what they think, we can only control our own actions. And let’s make certain our actions are guided by our own conscious choices, not simply our cultural programing. The SMART perspective is to consider where, when and how we should express ourselves as we become the person we are meant to be. And perhaps the more we get to know our true nature, the easier it will be to know how to walk that fine line between nasty and nice.
Kathy, way…. back when I was working, I learned that delivering constructive feedback is far more meaningful than being nice, nasty or non-specific. In fact, I don’t consider nice or nasty a choice when I am tempted to persuade someone toward my way of thinking. My objective (when my motivation is pure) is simply to share something that you may not have considered, and to be helpful. It’s your choice whether to accept or reject what I have said. Also, based on experience, women do tend to have difficulty accepting criticism, regardless of how it is delivered, which often results in misunderstandings and resentment. It took me a long while to realize that it stems from insecurity and that honest communication will go a long way toward overcoming differences, perceived or otherwise. I generally avoid toxic internet forums and FB posts that are meant to provoke. Nothing good comes of arguing.
Hi Suzanne! Thank you so much for adding to this discussion. I agree that constructive feedback goes beyond the realm of either nasty or nice. I’m thinking that if I am in the position to offer that, I also hope to do that in a helpful and beneficial way. But I tend to think that constructive feedback is often different than what I meant as nasty or nice. What I’m most concerned with (at least for me) in the choice to express my feelings and my needs when called for–that is probably more likely in a personal rather than any type of work or professional relationship. Of course I can see where some women may hold back at work, but I’m thinking if they do then they likely do it throughout their lives–and that has downsides. As for trying to persuade someone to my way of thinking, I am trying to give that up altogether. 🙂 Why I might question how others “think” or don’t think, I agree that arguing or toxic language ever changes anyone’s mind so I too stay (mostly!) away from it. Being true and authentic with ourselves IMHO is the major reason to recognize whether we are acting in a nasty or a nice way. ~Kathy
Kathy, so basically what you are saying is that this post is about confidently putting your authentic voice out there and is not specific to the clarity of conversations between individuals. I noticed you used the word ‘choice’ as being a concern in your response. Does that mean that you feel your choice is suppressed? I am sincerely trying to understand what take-a-way you want me, as a reader, to come away with. Obviously, this one has me thinking. Take care.
Hi Suzanne. I don’t have an answer for anyone but myself in the long run, but I do realize that I automatically respond (or don’t respond) to others and/or any “input” (be it news, FB or another person) sometimes without recognizing whether the response is habitual, conditioned or truly from my deepest awareness. For me the more I work to understand my true motivations and become self-aware, the more I am able to practice a fully authentic life. And as I look around me and observe others (most especially women) I realize how often many of us have allowed that message of “be nice” to dominate our actions more than I personally think is helpful for us. I think this is fairly evident in the political realm because I’ve read that the many women still vote according to how their husbands or father’s vote. In a similar vein many women don’t know a lot about their personal finances and prefer to let their husband’s manage their finances. It’s not because they are unintelligent, many just don’t want the hassle or conflict of it all. My hope is that by pointing out the fact that there are downsides to not accessing (or even denying) our own feelings, needs or wants we are doing ourselves a disservice in the long run. Obviously this short article can only raise questions like these, but the answers are far too complex. Does that help? :-). Thanks for asking for more clarification. ~Kathy
Thank you Kathy, that does help. After 32 years of marriage I have certainly relinquished control of some ‘management’ responsibilities in our household, and I can see how over time suppressing or denying individual feelings and needs might lead to submissivness, especially with a particularly strong partner. Which again leads back to honest conversations, not being controlled by the opinions of others and having the confidence to make your own decisions. Isn’t it sad that we are still having this conversation today. I thought we had moved past the stereotypical 50’s woman. Progress does indeed take time, education and participation. Thanks for the back and forth. I appreciate your insights.
Hi Suzanne! I do think we have made good progress but we are also pushing against the natural tendency to avoid conflict and/or to be easily distracted. And there are so many things to distract us! Far too many my age would still rather go shopping or play with grandkids than consider what or how their voting choices (not to mention their purchases) will effect generations to come! As far as conversations, unless we learn to authentically talk to one another and risk disagreement, I’m afraid we can’t always become resilient enough to face some of those “honest conversations, not being controlled by others and having the confidence to make your own decisions.” And while I certainly don’t think I am a great example of someone who has arrived, I keep plugging at it…I guess you could say persistence is one of my superpowers. So much of what I write about is what I most need to learn and/or most need to have repeated over and over in my consciousness. Thank YOU for questioning and then responding with your own thoughts…. ~Kathy
When I was working, I was often called the “b” word, because I held people to high expectations. (Nasty seems to be the PC term for the b-word). I pushed back hard when I believed I was right. I confronted behavior I thought was inappropriate. I was assertive and demanding (and often told I was aggressive).
But in my personal life, I avoided conflict. I surrounded myself with like-minded people, and avoided topics of contention. I didn’t challenge when others failed to deliver, I accepted less than, I accommodated. I still seem to do that. But it’s not about being nice, it’s avoidance of conflict.
I’m not sure, but part of me is just tired of the fight, tired of being the b-word. I don’t want to be confront, to engage…. maybe because I really don’t think I’ll change anyone’s mind?
Your post really has me thinking!
Hi Pat! Thank you for offering your own personal perspective on this idea. I doubt there is a right or a wrong here and it really is an individual choice. I agree that if the conflict causes more distress than holding back, I’d say go with works best for you. I’m just mainly concerned with all the women/people who hold back what is inside and then it turns into a “shadow” that ultimately makes their lives much worse than just speaking out. Are there downsides to speaking out? Of course…and being called a bitch is only one of them! But I don’t think many of us take the time to realize the toll of being nice. And yes, it’s all just food for thought. If it helps anyone, great! If not, everyone knows where the delete button is! ~Kathy
Great post, Kathy. I often think that I’m not that nice of a person. I used to rebel against my parents and my teachers as a teenager. No being nice for me! 🙂 And in more recent times, there are A LOT of people and actions I don’t like at all. Speaking out would be good in some cases, but in many, it would just stoke the fire as you mentioned in your post. I do suffer from self-criticism, though.
When Mark and I ran our business, there was a lot of unfairness going on about our product, publicly on forums, and a lot of lies. We have learned to grow a thick skin from those years, as it wasn’t always possible to “defend ourselves” as vendors.
Now, I still often have the tendency and impulse to get involved in certain discussions on social media, but luckily, I have learned that it’s a massive time sink and often, when you interact about a different opinion, it only makes things worse. Some people are really “beyond repair” and no common sense or sensible discussion will change any of that.
Hi Liesbet! I do think of you as more fearless than me about speaking out for something you feel passionate about. But again, we never really know how another person really feels about whether they are speaking out or holding back, do we? I think as I mentioned before that I never really needed to “develop a thick skin” so that has never trained me to deal with it better. I suppose that is good AND negative at the same time. But I totally agree that some people just aren’t reachable no matter how level-headed and clear you are. Best to walk away without being either nasty or too nice! ~Kathy
Great column, Kathy, which sparked some great discussion in the comments! I can see we’re all struggling with this. We want to be positive forces but not pushovers. I think the hardest thing is that it requires SO MUCH awareness and carefulness to not let rage or aggression infect our tone or comments. And most of us (certainly me!) can’t always manage that constant self-regulation — it’s exhausting. So we sometimes screw up, keeping too silent or getting too vitriolic.
SUCH a difficult path to walk! Thanks!
Hi Nancy. Yes I suspect that a number of us struggle with this idea. I appreciate your statement, “We want to be positive forces but not pushovers.” It is a fine line between the two but I’m thinking that the more we stay conscious and do our best, the better we will get at it. Maybe like forming a new habit? I hope so! I am also hoping that it gets much easier after November 3rd but I’m guessing it is a life-long challenge. Thanks for your thoughts. ~Kathy
Another great post Kathy! We can THINK about where, when and how we should express ourselves and then DO IT.
Hi Gary! Yes, staying conscious and aware as much as possible is always the key, huh? ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, this is such a smart post and so timely. The divisiveness lately has been really getting on my nerves. It has also made me struggle with friends and family members who have strong opinions often based on questionable facts. I am not one to speak up, unless it is in person and with someone I know I can have a rational conversation with. Most conversations do little to change anyone’s opinion. My family wants to believe what they believe. Nothing will convince them. There are times when I feel like commenting with some facts and insight on Facebook, but usually I choose not to. I am a coward and tend to just shut down. Engaging in political discussions just wears me out.
Hi Michele! Thank you…but your comment surprised me. As a reader and admirer of your blog I would never suspect that you hesitate speaking up when necessary. I guess it just confirms that we can never really know how another person chooses to address the world all the time. However, I do completely agree that sometimes it really doesn’t matter because you can’t really communicate with them anyway… I have a sister like that. But it really helped me when I did the Enneagram test and found that part of my “motivations” includes the need to speak out when I see injustice–even if or when it is recognized or effective. And just that effort on my part satisfies me to an extent…but even then it can be a bit tiring. Just good for us all to recognize that we do have the choice. I’m guessing it is only a problem if we suspect we suppress it. Thanks for sharing your own experience. ~Kathy
Really interesting and relevant post, Kathy. Probably most of us have found ourselves on the giving and receiving end of nastiness (true nastiness, not the “Nasty” label that 45 uses) and it doesn’t feel good. I’ve been disparaged for my beliefs and have been less than kind when responding to the beliefs of others. When I’ve not been kind – although I felt totally justified at the time – I found that I wished I could take my words or tone back. Of course, that wasn’t possible. I’ve learned to be better about picking my battles and – to continue the military metaphors – decide if that’s the hill I want to die on.
There are so many important challenges facing us right now (BLM, climate change, election, etc.) that require us to me less interested in being “nice” and more interested in being effective.
Hi Janis! I really like that you said, “… less interested in being “nice” and more interested in being effective.” That is a really good way of looking at it. And if we can be effective and still kind…that would be awesome. Lots of ways of looking at this issue if we are willing to try and be honest with ourselves. ~Kathy
So interesting Kathy!
During my saga this spring/summer going through breast cancer I became a bit harsh when people meaning well but not knowing what to say, ended up saying stupid things to me. I spoke with my oncology therapist (who knew) who said what I am saying is fine but it is the tone in which i say it that I may have to tone down.I agree. You can educate or express your point of view in a nonaggressive way just as easily as you can aggressively. Just for some of us with a bit more with forethought.
Hi Haralee! What great advice form your doctor. And yes, tone can help us walk that fine line can’t it? I find that I am much better with my “tone” if I sit on some of my anger/frustration/righteousness etc. Just that pause hopefully helps with my tone. That’s also pretty important because if we have the wrong tone the person we hope will “get” our message will automatically tune out and we might as well as not said anything. Maybe, just maybe if we adjust our tone without compromising our message we will get through. I think we all hope that happens right. That “forethought” is really key. Thanks for adding these important thoughts. ~Kathy. P.S And I am really glad to see you moving through your challenge. You’ve been missed!
Recently purchased a tee shirt…,…, #GOODTROUBLE. Rep. John Lewis.
Hi Frances. What a great t-shirt and phrase from a great man. I should get me one because it would help to remind me of how I too want to live. Thanks! ~Kathy
I guess emojis don’t go through!
Nope. Thanks for trying though! ~Kathy
An excellent post, Kathy. Your initial paragraph makes me think of the phrase, “choose your arguments wisely.” A great line in a song that resonates with me “…there’s a fine line between Saturday and Sunday morning.” Unfortunately, we have all witnessed this line.
The 10 reasons list shares how our body reacts and internalizes the downside to niceness. I do like the concept “…what others think of me is really none of my business.” A great, empowering post, Kathy!
Hi Erica! I agree with your phrase but I always thought of it as “choose your battles wisely!” I’m guessing that as a mom that is something you picked up along the way. And when it comes down to it, only we know deep inside if we are just squashing our nasty in order to be seen or thought of as nice. So it really is internal work isn’t it? Thank you for letting me know you got something from my example. ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – This is a very fine line. I do try to err on kindness, especially during these difficult times. However, as I’ve gained in years, I’ve also gained in experience (and hopefully in wisdom). I now realize that erring on kindness does not exclude the six tips that you have given here — actually genuine kindness embraces them! Thank you for another thought-provoking post.
Hi Donna! I tend to think that being “nice” and being kind are different. The challenge is to be kind but NEVER compromise myself or my values when confronted with something that is clearly not right for me. I realize I have a lot of room for improvement in that area but I do think I’m getting better. I think many women have learned some of that lesson in their profession…meanwhile I think there are others of us (like me) that have been in lines of work (writing) and raised in families where I was never witness to or educated about how to speak my mind with kindness. And like so many others, if I try to stuff it or ignore it, it eventually (like all shadows) pops out at odd times. You are actually one of my role models because you seem to walk that balance so well. The good news is that I trust I will get better now that I have great teachers! :-). ~Kathy
Wow! THank you so much.
This is definitely a mutual admiration society!! 😀
Great post, Kathy! Resonated with me in so many ways. I used to feel it was my duty to be “defender of the weak and downtrodden, righter of wrongs” ?, and as a result I got burnt out very very young (in my teens). I still have that urge but only act upon it when I feel my message will have at least a tiny percentage of actually being heard (therefore definitely not on Facebook?). It’s tough sometimes, but I mostly manage to scroll past the stupidity and falsehoods I am reading (anti-vaxxers, I am looking at YOU). And I still don’t care what (most) people think of me, if they even do. This helped get me through public and high school, and still serves me well today.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Deb
Hi Deb! Thank you. I tend to think of you as very open and honest about your willingness to stand your ground and speak your word–both in person and on your blog. It is one of the things I admire about you. As you say, sometimes your past and experiences teach us VERY valuable lessons and you certainly seem to have mastered that for yourself. Thank you for commenting. ~Kathy
I feel this is such a big issue for women. Men have not been conditioned in this way. Indeed, they are conditioned the opposite – male violence is totally normalized. “Boys will be boys” and all…
Social media has brought out the nasty in people that might temper their words, were they to be facing a person rather than a screen. I, too, find myself more emboldened with fingers to keyboard, rather than face to face.
When I started reading this, I recognized what a nice person you are, Kathy, and my first thought was that, considering your generous verbal skills and mental acuity, I would NOT want to be on the receiving end of your nasty!! Yikes!!
Think I’ll stayn over here on your “nice” side! ?
Hi Jamie! I suspect I’m not alone in this topic. And you’re absolutely right that I doubt most of us would be as angry or aggressive in person rather than what we see online. I do think the anonymous aspect of “hiding” online helps to encourage our anxieties…But I can’t help but believe that is just the shadow in so many of us that has been carrying around our anger and frustration. Most of the time most of us are willing. (or conditioned enough) not to just let it out when it needs to be.
And my first reaction is to thank you for thinking of me as “nice’. :-). But hmmmm…now that I think about it…is that the “real” me? I do think that I am fortunate to live with Thom who as you might guess is very good at talking me down if I get too worked up about most things. He’s also learned through the years when to speak up and when to just let me go :-). I think we are all very fortunate if we have someone close to us to serve as that voice of awareness. It also helps A LOT to realize that most (if not all) my occasional nastiness is about me…and not someone else… so you’re safe ;-). ~Kathy
Bravo….
Thank you Rita!