What’s on your list?
A couple of weeks ago Thom and I had lunch with a long-time friend I’ll call Bob. After a great meal our conversation turned to health and successful aging as it sometimes does for people in midlife. We all agreed that we were extremely fortunate to live in an area where we can observe people well into their 90’s who are vibrant, active and younger in mind and heart than many people half their age.
Next we talked about the importance of living each day as a gift, never taking a moment for granted, and fulfilling our bucket list while we were all healthy and financially able. That’s when Bob joked that he recently had dinner with a woman in her late 80’s who had a different take on the idea. She told him very emphatically that she was done with the idea of a bucket list. At her age, she was working on her F*^k It list! And while we all laughed at the spunk of Bob’s friend, that declaration got me thinking.
Sure, it’s healthy to have a bucket list containing all the goals and dreams we hope to accomplish during the remainder of our lives. But maybe a F*^k It list is good as well. After all, at a certain age we should be both willing and able to let go of anything that drags us down and holds us back from living a happy and content life. So, after some time thinking about it—here are a few things I’m putting on my F*^k It list that perhaps might convince some of the rest of you to make such a list as well.
The very first thing on my F*^k It list is caring what others think about me. I’ve cared about that for far too long, and it’s time to just say “F*^k It!” Of course, even as I write this I’m aware that I don’t normally use four-letter-words, so writing this post with f*^k in the title (and in the text!) is quite a step for me. But again, it’s all because I worry too much about whether you, my friends and my readers will like it. Most of the time I find plenty of other words that work equally as well or better. But let’s face it—sometimes f*^k is just the right word, and right now, I’m giving myself permission to use it when it seems to fit the circumstance.
Second is giving up the need/desire to have people like me. Again, this is something I’ve carried around for most of my life, and it’s time to just say “F*^k It!” I know, and you probably do too, that not everyone likes everyone else for all sorts of reasons. You might not like my politics, my sense of humor, my take-charge attitude or any one of dozens of characteristics that I have—and that’s okay. Just like not everyone likes chocolate, not everyone will like me either. So instead of trying to make myself into someone that everyone might like—I’m going to focus on those people who like me just as I am and appreciate what I uniquely offer the world. And maybe, just maybe, when I give myself permission to just be myself regardless of whether it rubs people the wrong way or the right way—I will give others permission to be themselves as well.
Next I say “F*^k It!” to ever listening to trolls and/or other critics in relationship to my writing. Maybe because I’ve had no formal training or a related degree—or maybe because it’s always been so important to me, for whatever the reason I’ve always been sensitive about my writing. True, it’s gotten better as I go along because I’ve been doing it so long, but I still care more than I should about how some people judge my writing. And in spite of the fact that I’ve now got a number of people reading my blog who seem to appreciate both my style and my variety of topics, I sometimes catch myself paying more attention to the critics than I do to my fans. And it’s time to say “F*^k It” to listening to trolls. As author Brene Brown says, “…I can’t be paralyzed anymore by the critics. My new mantra is, if you’re not in the arena getting your ass kicked on occasion, then I’m not interested in your feedback.”
Plus, I think it’s time for me to definitely say “F*^k It” to whether or not I look attractive or “good for my age.” For the most part, I don’t obsess about my looks or my clothing. (Those who know me personally can likely attest to that!) But what I’ve noticed at this age is that there is a very strong emphasis on us all, especially women, to look younger than we supposedly should and do anything and everything we should to stay there. While I’m all for feeling energetic and vibrant—and good health is very important to me, I say “F*^k It!” to trying to please other people’s definition of what my age should look like, act like, or be.
The last thing that I think it’s high time to say “F*^k It!” to is fear. Yep, I’m going out on a limb here by saying that I’ll bet I’m not the only one who could let this one go and be happier. Remember, most of the time fear isn’t real—instead it’s ‘False Evidence Appearing Real.’ Or as Dale Carnegie said, “You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. For remember, fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind.” But fear tends to be tricky and disguise itself in all sorts of ways and means. For example, I might not think that I’m afraid of what others think, but if I insist on perfectionism, then I am holding myself back from a fear of not being good enough. Fear is anything that consciously or unconsciously keeps us from enjoying, appreciating and loving every moment of our lives. And I say “F*^k it!” to anything that does that!
Okay, I think I’ve given you enough to get the point. I realize after writing this that I’ve only touched the surface of things I should finally let go of and say “F*^K It!” to in my life. Chances are good that my list will keep growing from here on out. But now that I’ve raised the idea, I suggest that you spend some time allowing the idea to soak into your head and see if there isn’t something you’d like to do the same with as well. SMART Living or rightsizing isn’t always about doing something or adding something to your life to make it better. Sometimes the best course of action is letting something go and to just say, “F*^k It!”
Kathy, I love your f**k it list! I’m going to start my own and I will add that I am no longer going to let people hold me back and put their priorities above my own. It is time I started to think of me for a change. So f**k them!
Hi Kathy! Thanks for stopping by and joining the conversation and adding another action to add to the list. I too would find it valuable to stop letting people hold me back and refusing to put other people’s priorities before mine. Of course a big part of that is remembering that those others aren’t really “doing it” to me–instead I am doing it to myself. Definitely time to say “f**k it to that!”
A great thing about finding other bloggers who are going through similar experiences is that we can encourage each other in case we forget. Please, please help to remind me if you ever suspect I’ve forgotten! ~Kathy
LOVE this, Kathy! You and I think a lot alike. (O;
Great idea! I think that many of us feel that if we let go of something – even if it’s not serving us – that we’re giving in; defeated.
Not so. Letting go just leaves room for more!
Also, we’re always changing and growing – so letting go of some stuff should be natural, right?
Now excuse me while I go have a talk with my mirror.
Hi Mona…thanks for stopping by and joining the conversation. Yes, you are so right that many of us refuse to let go of things because of many reasons–and one sure is that we don’t want to give in or admit defeat. I know another blogger who is making herself crazy trying to keep up with a schedule (that she created herself) and that is making her miserable. But instead of slowing down and trying to find a way to make it work for her, she doesn’t want anyone to think she “can’t do it.”
Luckily I learned that particular lesson a while back but as you can tell from the post I’ve got mine. And those were the one’s I was willing to admit to! Maybe I should be talking to my mirror too?
Thanks again for your comment. Now I’m going to go to your site and see what’s up with your teenagers! ~Kathy
Great list, many of which I have had to face in my own life. Being trained as a hairdresser in my teens it was pounded into my head to never be seen without everything perfect, from hair and make up to clothing. While I never followed trends, preferring to set them, I came to a day when I was working from home and home schooling my boys. When it came time to pick up groceries I headed towards the bathroom to apply the makeup and change clothes. I stopped in my tracks and asked myself who I was trying to impress. Since then I have given up coloring my hair, and went out on a limb to live a different lifestyle than my peers. The more we let ourselves be who we are and let the world see it the easier it becomes. My f*^k it list includes ignoring what people think about my food choices. I live in the middle of farm country yet am a vegetarian, it’s been rough at times, but once I stopped caring about being different the comments no longer had any effect on me.
Hi Lois! Glad you like my list….You’ve been reading my posts for a while so you know that I do struggle with some of these issues. You are a good role model for me so I appreciate hearing what has worked for you. Fortunately I’ve been too much into hair, makeup and clothing (I thank my mom for that!) but I tend to be too sensitive and/or over think my relationships and my work. This blog is helping me tremendously because when I write posts like this I am challenging myself to live up to my proclamations. As you say, we’d all benefit if we can learn to let ourselves BE ourselves and stop caring about being different. ~Kathy
You are a great writer Kathy with a degree in Life! Your writing always makes me think and feel good at the same time. Keep up the good!
Hi Gary! Well I’m sure a big fan of yours as well! What do they call that–a mutual admiration society? Thanks for your kind words and your friendship….I will definitely do my best to “keep up the good!” ~Kathy
Awesome!! I absolutely love the alternative to a bucket list–I’m with you on this — I have 3 rules I live by which has always been my fucket list…
1. Have Fun.
2. Make Money.
3. Avoid Asshats.
It’s worked so far.
~ Stephy
Thanks Stephy I LOVE your rules…especially #1 having FUN! I’ve been feeling a bit fun deprived lately and I think it might be showing 🙂 All work and no play makes Kathy a bit cranky–and you know what? When I’m truly having fun then a lot of the other things that I obsess over tend to disappear or at least recede far into the background. Hmmmm…I’m thinking there is another blog post here 🙂 Thanks for the support AND the ideas! ~Kathy
Love it! Great idea for all ages. You’re never too young or too old–or too anything–to claim your self-sovereignty!
Thanks Debbieanne! I really like that statement–“claim your self-soverignty!’ And in spite of all my bravado, I can’t help but think it sounds a bit more “lady-like” than f*^k it! ~Kathy
I know “I should” have read it to the end, but I liked the essence of the article, so I said “f…it”, I’ll read it later. To those I would add the “f… it” if people think I should dress “my age”. be a better housekeeper or not eat ice cream for dinner or spaghetti for breakfast, sometimes.
Ha Ha Ha! that’s a good one Marguerite! We should all feel fearless about saying f*^k it when necessary–even when it comes to reading my blog or any other. And yeah, people don’t mention enough how liberating it is to get to a certain level of confidence when we can just let go of what anyone else thinks of us and what we do….just keep reminding me in case I forget, okay? ~Kathy
I think you have hit upon the great part of aging…the ability to let go. We can give ourselves permission to put down the heavy weight of approval and fear. My list will also include procrastination…I will just do it! instead of continually scheduling and organizing. As for the person that unsubscribe, they may return. In this date of overstuffed email boxes, they may just have unsubscribed from everything optional but may find they miss your blog and come back. In either case, keep writing, it is your passion.
Thank YOU Christine for your constant encouragement of my writing. You were one of the first other bloggers who started regularly commenting on my site and it was (and still is!) very much appreciated (and remembered!) And yes, I know that people unsubscribe for all sorts of reasons so you really never know but the timing was PRICELESS! As I mentioned before, after being completely flamed by a troll on Reddit about a year ago I’ve gotten much better and accepting. But yeah, it’s always still a work in progress. Thanks for hanging in there with me–I value your blog too and your perspective so you be sure and keep writing too! ~Kathy
Hurray for you!
Just today I was thinking about how I went out looking not as well put together than I might have wished. But I was in a hurry and had to go. And I had the exact thought of F**k It….and I really did not care. I put a smile on and when you smile at people it can make up for a lot of other shortcomings that you may be sporting that day!
And by the way, I admire the way you write. The post flow and the subjects are interesting, so don’t let critics stop you. They will always be there. But so will your cheerleaders…like me!
Thank you Kelly! Funny how even when we KNOW better we sometimes still slip into those old and familiar patterns huh? And I so agree with you that a smile on our face makes up for so much, so that is really where we should be putting our focus on right?
And thank you for your praise and “cheerleading.” I do feel incredibly fortunate to have connected to you and your blog, as well as a number of other amazing writers here in the blogosphere that sure helps to make the journey that much more fun and rewarding. I’m also glad to say that as time goes by my skin is getting thicker and thicker…nothing like being flamed on Reddit by some big time trolls to help with THAT! And as I’ve read many times on your blog, anytime we “Try New Things” it helps us move past our limitations and live a quality life.
~Kathy
Two words for you Kathy…F*^K YEAH! Go you!!
Thanks Nancy! May we ALL be fearless in the areas where we hold ourselves back! ~Kathy
Absolutely love your f*ck-it list. Must start one of my own, using several of the same things.
Thanks Beverly! I’m glad you liked it too. 🙂 Of course, at the EXACT same time your comment came in I also got a “please unsubscribe me email” which just goes to show you that you have to stay true to yourself whether people love you are whether they don’t. One of the really great thinks about the blogging life is how many opportunities for self awareness and growth show up practically every day. Thanks for stopping by and being a part of it. ~Kathy