The other day my husband Thom and I were having lunch with a friend. That’s when Susie (not her real name) asked the question, “How do you cope?” Sure we were talking about a couple of troubling current events, but the question still surprised me. Why? Because I tend to think that most of the ideas I write about here on SMART Living touch on ways to cope and move forward in a positive way. That’s certainly the way I handle stress in my life. But clearly that option wasn’t helping Susie. Then later, I happened to pick up a new book I’d been offered to review and the answer became clearer. What I’ve come to realize is that there isn’t just one right way to cope with stress or trauma. Instead, like with any “rightsized topic,” we each need to find what works best for us and then work to allow it to bring us the comfort we seek.
Of course, an operative word is “work.” Even with this new book entitled The Transformation—Discovering Wholeness & Healing After Trauma there is no simple or fast cure for overcoming life’s challenges. And yes, I’m well aware that statement probably turned off a large number of you who may have started reading this post. While it doesn’t have to be a difficult process, it does require effort, intention and commitment. A simple pill, a bottle of wine, a weekend workshop or even a short shopping extravaganza won’t do the trick—at least over the long haul. In other words, we have to want to find resolution, and do the work.
Even then, as the author of the book, James S. Gordon, MD explains, there are two other cultural myths that keep us from even starting the process of healing and coping with issues that plague us. They are:
- It’s a fairly common belief that only people with huge and dramatic traumas need to seek healing. Instead, Gordon believes that every single person on the planet has in the past—or is currently experiencing—some form of trauma in their life. Gordon says that if you have ever fired from a job, lost someone close to you (a pet, a boyfriend, or much worse) that you cared about, have suffered racism or decimation of any kind, been mentally or physically abused, faced a life-threatening illness, suffered in an accident, gone to war, or been a victim of any one of hundreds of childhood abuses, then you have been traumatized. In other words, it’s not just the big stuff that gets us.
- The second myth that must be dispelled is that people who suffer trauma are subject to a permanent, crippling, life sentence. This myth suggests that those who’ve experienced trauma will suffer from the experience for the rest of their lives and never recover. But the good news is that trauma, like most stress, is a not necessarily a permanent emotional or physical debt requiring a lifetime of treatment. Naturally, the more dramatic the trauma, the more work and effort required to work through it. But it can, and in many cases will, “transform” into a greater sense of wholeness and health for the person involved than ever before experienced.
And James Gordon should know. He has spent the last 50 years working with some of the most deeply traumatized people on the planet. In the beginning of his career, the most common answer to people with emotional issues was drug treatment. But gradually Gordon began realizing that drugs were merely treating the symptoms—suppressing rather than resolving the trauma behind the patient’s problems. His quest led him to find and study nonpharmacological ways to initiate transformation and healing.
Eventually his research guided him to all forms of alternative healing, including indigenous healers, shamans, and other spiritual leaders. Eventually, his studies culminated in his creation of The Center For Mind-Body Medicine (CMBM). There, not only did he treat thousands of people, he also began teaching hundreds of others to go out and do the same. Ultimately he and his students have helped to transform and heal millions around the world. Everyone, from firefighters after 9-11, to children involved in school shootings, to survivors of torture and war around the world, each have been led to understand and use some of his practices to heal and transform their trauma. But let me be clear—they don’t eliminate it—they transform it.
When you read the stories and experiences that Gordon relates, it is very obvious that most of us could be guided to do something similar with the stress and trauma in our lives. He also goes to great length explaining how toxic it is for our bodies and minds to be stuck in a stress or trauma response. But again, it takes work and commitment to move beyond it. What is also obvious is how any of the practices (or combination thereof) could lead to a deeper path of self-awareness and self-discovery regardless of how deep or shallow the experience of current stress or past trauma.
Fortunately Gordon offers a wide variety of practices he uses to initiate healing. Some of them I’ve used myself at one time or another, but many I had never heard of before. Others options seem rather outlandish to be honest—and others just practical advice. Still, Gordon mixes in wonderful examples of real-life people and how certain practices provide a “right” avenue for each of them to reach deep inside and transform what had haunted them in the past so they could eventually arrive at a new awareness of themselves today.
A few of the most interesting practices included in the book are:
- A meditation he calls “Soft Belly.” This meditation is a core element of his treatment.
- Shaking and Dancing. Yep, there is both shaking and dancing involved as part of an expressive meditation.
- Doing a series of drawings to access your unconscious mind—starting with where you are to where you hope to be.
- Journaling and dialoguing with your emotions, illness or problem.
- A way to access your inner (Wise) guidance.
- Biofeedback and Autogenic.
- A trauma-healing diet.
- Using Genograms to uncover the trauma of our ancestors and how that relates to us.
There are actually many more practices in this book that I can see would be very helpful to anyone with stress or trauma—or simply someone who is on the path to greater self-awareness. But Gordon is clear that not all of them work for everyone. As each of us are individual and have individual experiences, he suggests trying them all out and then “rightsizing” (my word not his!) to see what works the best. His writing is easy to understand and very engaging. Plus the stories and examples he uses to explain each practice offers additional insight to their value.
What it boils down to is that stress a normal response. The problem occurs when our stress becomes trauma that is chronic, and it effects our bodies, minds and emotions in hindering ways. Fortunately, Gordon is convinced that if we are willing, “…our greatest pain can teach us the most important truths about ourselves; who we are and how deeply and inextricably connected we are to one another; what gives our lives Meaning and Purpose; and how we can live with greater wisdom and compassion, joy and Love.” From where I stand, I’m convinced that these practices could help anyone asking themselves, “How do I cope?” Who knows whether Susie will ever give them a try? But I believe a SMART place to start would be to recognize what, where and how stress and trauma are activated in each of our lives—and then transform ourselves accordingly.
Hi Kathy. The two cultural myths from this book that you discuss certainly ring true for me. Life does bring traumas to everyone at some point, both large and small ones. Living a good life does not mean somehow escaping all traumatic experiences, but rather learning to live with and learn from our experiences. And repressing those traumatic experiences or pretending they didn’t happen doesn’t work; it just gets you stuck. The way forward is through it, and the resulting transformation may be surprisingly positive.
Jude
Hi Kathy, Catching up reading and interesting how your very timely post entered my life right now. We have been helping family through an unexpected, traumatic, stressful event all of this month. Even at my age, I am still surprised how everyone has individual, unique coping skills. Running through my head is a phrase, how you often don’t know how you will respond in a situation until that situation occurs. I like how James Gordon validates the experiences. I especially like how he explains transformation after working through it.
I appreciate some of the practices included. I am intrigued on the “trauma-healing diet.” Thank you for sharing the book. And thank you for sharing another though-provoking post, Kathy.
Hi Erica! Thanks for checking in here with me. I was wondering where you had gone to?? Now I know. I’m hoping that things are resolving itself and that 2020 is better in every way. ~Kathy
Thank you, Kathy, A younger family member passed away suddenly. It is all part of life, and there are always blessings in every situation. This is why websites like yours help share knowledge to manage stressful circumstances. Like you have said before, we all have challenges throughout our life. And, yes, 2020 will be great.
oooh Erica. So sorry to hear. That is never easy even when we are prepared but it’s especially difficult when unexpected. May you and your family find the love and support you need as you navigate this time. ~Kathy
The two most important things I got from this is that everyone experiences stress, and for many of us it’s so ingrained into our lives — so chronic — that we may not even recognize that we have it. We need to acknowledge this, and then realize that while not all of the strategies work for everyone, everyone can find something that will work for them..
Hi Tom! Yep…those are certainly two important things I want to remember from this book. I think as a person who has been able to deal with her stress relatively well, it’s pretty easy to imagine everyone can do the same. This book reminded me that we are all different (duh!) and that what works for one, might not work for another. It was also a good reminder to be “kind” as much as possible because we can never know what someone else has or is going through no matter how it appears on the outside. ~Kathy
Effort, intention and commitment — these really make sense to me. Thank you for another very thought-provoking post, Kathy. I love the book and research summaries that you so generously provide for us. I hope that Susie is reading too and is inspired by some of the many insights here.
Hey Donna! Yes, I hope everyone who may be going through something finds a way to “transform” it….and what’s the saying, “Everyone is going through something whether they look like it or not.” And you KNOW I’m always happy to get people thinking so thanks for that!!! ~Kathy
Kathy – This was very appropriate for me right now…. I’m choosing my WOTY as Release and have created a series of personal activities that I hope will help me release and move on. Most are using words (my “rightsized” choice), but I even have dancing on the list and have meditation as a possible as well.
I was really heartened about the “it’s not just the big stuff” comment. I often feel guilty that my life trauma’s were not that bad. (yeah, often and isn’t it a bit crazy to wish you had it worse?)
I had not really considered this about transforming, more about shifting (beliefs) and moving on (resentments). But I’m going to think more about the transformational aspect. Would reading his book bring me more on that… of is more about different tools?
Hi Pat! This book really helped me remember that many of us are going through more “stress” and trauma than we are aware of. Aren’t we all good at hiding things we don’t think are admirable be it health or emotions or ??? And in answer to your question I think yes just because I know you also appreciate self-awareness practices and this book has quite a few that would certainly help with transformation regardless of whether a person considers themselves to be traumatized at all. Of course, with that said, there a lot of different “tools” he recommends but he is very good about offering examples of how one or another worked for different people in different settings. The good news is is that it is well written and easy to read. Of course with that said, there are a number of resources on line from him and his center that might give you an idea of whether it would be interesting to you. Let me know if you explore it further. ~Kathy
Kathy, “to contact Kathy click here” is not letting me in. Comments haven’t been showing up in my blog feed. I submitted a comment a second time, what looked like the third comment on the feed. When I clicked submit, 13 more comments appeared including my first submission. Please omit my second submission. Thanks.
Hi Mona! Sorry for the glitch. I will check it out and see what the problem is…and yes, I found your first comment. Thank you! ~Kathy
Very interesting, Kathy. I agree, life is not for the faint of heart and we all are subject to stressors and trauma both large and small. And we all react differently to them.
You need to be willing to “do the work” and relieve those sources of stress. There is no quick fix.
Sounds like a worthwhile read.
Interesting Kathy. I think some people can cope or adapt or have the skills already in place. Perspective is important too.
Hi Haralee! Yes, I guessing that coping strategies are as individual as we all are–and certainly how we are raised AND our individual personalities have a great deal to do with it. And ALWAYS perspective is important. ~Kathy
You’ve opened another door for me. Going to research Genograms. Thanks.
Hi Beth! Yes it is a FASCINATING subject. Definitely a blog post (or two) in there! ~Kathy
Very interesting post. I appreciate that the author doesn’t promote a “one-size-fits-all” approach, but I imagine that a nutritional diet and open, honest communication (especially with ourselves) would benefit just about everyone. I hope your friend Susie finds the coping strategy that works best for her.
Hi Janis! Yes, like I said a few of the things he recommends are stuff I’ll bet a number of us are already doing–is that why we are relatively healthy? I’d like to believe so. His greatest point to me was that trauma happens to us all to a lesser or greater degree and like Mona says, “it’s not a competition.” But if we ignore the chronic stress of it–it will affect us in far more ways that we even know. His book also helped to remind me that everyone we know is going through “something” and just because they don’t address it the same way as me, that doesn’t mean it isn’t a problem for them, right? Thanks for your thoughts. ~Kathy
Many thoughts from my work in bereavement support came to mind while reading this blog.
“…it’s not just the big stuff that gets us.” Trauma is subjective and can be cumulative. It’s not a competition. Which trauma is the worst? Yours.
“…they don’t eliminate it—they transform it.” And what isn’t transformed will be transmitted.
…if we are willing, “…our greatest pain can teach us the most important truths about ourselves; who we are and how deeply and inextricably connected we are to one another; what gives our lives Meaning and Purpose; and how we can live with greater wisdom and compassion, joy and Love.” I’m reminded of an incident 30+ yrs ago when 4 local cowboys were killed in a plane crash and the ensuing recovery at the crash site. Out of the mouth of a “tough” cowboy – if we don’t learn something from a tragedy, then what you have is a double tragedy.
And from Leanne – “…I survived and could move on and thrive if I chose to.” Many of us don’t appreciate that it is a choice to learn and grow. Even those who do learn and grow (resilience?) will say “I have no choice” not recognizing that they are exercising choice in their very actions.
Hi Mona! Thank YOU for highlighting all those points for us. I so appreciate hearing what spoke to you and how it applied to your background. And I LOVE the saying “It’s not a competition.” So very true but I wonder how often it comes into our way of reacting or not? ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
Yes, I agree we all carry some form of trauma. For years I denied mine because I was raised not to “boohoo” as there are others in this world who have it worse than me (thanks Mom, and her Mom, and so on and so on…). Being aware that you have been traumatized or carry baggage is the first most important step, I think. Then doing whatever YOU need to do to recover and heal is the next biggie. I have tried to do this and it has helped me immensely. Now I live my best life everyday and for me that is the ultimate F-You to those who inflicted the trauma on me (which of course, I still carry and always will, but have minimized its effect on my day-to-day living). I believe I have transformed it.
Deb
Hi Deb! Thanks for pointing out something I think is a big problem today–and that is that we should just tough it out–especially if we think of ourselves and relatively strong and how our “trauma” is so much less than others. His emphasis on the fact that we ALL have some from of unresolved stress and trauma and how that effects us all (whether we deny it or not!) was such a good reminder to me. And good for you for finding out things that helped you transform what you’ve gone through and how that has no doubt made you stronger and more self-aware. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy – that was a really interesting approach to stress and the problems it creates. As you know, I’ve had my fair share of stress recovery this year after leaving the job (and workmate) from hell behind me. I hadn’t realized how far it had dragged me down until I walked away and worked at getting myself back together again. Journalling helped, so did blogging, talking to my husband, and just coming to terms with the fact that I survived and could move on and thrive if I chose to.
I definitely chose to thrive and to learn from it – now I can’t wait to see what 2020 holds for me!
Your post made me think of Shonda Rhymes and how so many of her shows (like Grey’s Anatomy) wrap these ideas and practices into the storylines. She has ‘normalized’ some of these trauma healing techniques like shaking and dancing, etc. I’d never heard of Genograms until my husband explored them as part of his doctoral thesis. I’d love to hear more about the ‘soft belly’ and the trauma healing diet….will need to do some research. Thanks for the interesting read.
Hi Janet! Isn’t it great how some of these ideas are finding their ways into the culture? And isn’t that interesting about your husband’s background in Genograms. Fascinating stuff for sure. And the soft belly is really a very simple breathing technique that puts the focus on the breath like all meditation…but takes away any woo-woo aspect to it. I’ll bet you can google and/or search his name or even “soft belly breathing”. I think he has a lot of resources online. ~Kathy
Hi Leanne! Yes I’d never heard of this guy before but he does have some very impressive credentials and has worked with some pretty well known people so I’d imagine he knows his stuff. I like how “wholistic” his approach was and for the most part, very practical. I’m glad to hear you’ve made such great progress too. You’ve certainly “worked” it and it is good to see how that has paid off for you. May the future just continue to unfold beautifully for you! ~Kathy