As most of you know, I’m a planner. Not only do I find it enjoyable to research options and then chart a course forward, I’m a big fan of nexting. (Yes, there’s a blog post which explains nexting!) For the most part, planning benefits my life in many ways. It helps me to form great habits, examine different options in order to make good decisions, and allows me to anticipate the future with optimism. But as with most things, there’s a catch.
The “downside” to planning is that sometimes it locks me into a course of action that can be rigid if not downright obsessive. Even worse perhaps, it distracts me from being present in the here and now. The good news is that every new moment offers me (and all of us) another opportunity to practice being here now, to appreciate the beauty right in front of me, and to always remember that “this is it.”
When I first met my then-to-be husband Thom oh so many years ago, one of the first things about him that caught my eye was the fact that he owned a copy of Ram Dass ’s classic book, Be Here Now. Up until then, no men I knew, and few women, even recognized the name, let alone what being in the moment really meant. Did Thom and I understand what that concept meant? Not really. After all, if you’ve ever seen one of the original copies, it is very esoteric and filled with metaphor. And after all, we were only in our early 20’s at the time. But I believe both of us knew on a deep level that the truths contained in that book could serve to guide us through much of our lives.
I recently read a short interview of Ram Dass where he explains what inspired him to write the book in the first place. At the time he was traveling around India with a guy named Bhagavan Das looking for a guru. To pass the time, as they went from Buddhist monastery to Buddhist monastery, Ram Dass would ramble on about his previous adventures with Timothy Leary, or as he calls it the “railroad of his past.” And every time he headed down that railway, his friend would say, “Look at that beautiful flower by the side of the road. You should just be here now. Come on back here, back to the moment.” When Ram Dass finally found his guru in a man named Maharaji, he witnessed the intensity of that man’s “now power”, so much so that Ram Dass says upon meeting Maharaji, “He pulled me into the now.”
Another classic “be here now” book is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Tolle is convinced that it is our, “incessant thought that creates the mental and emotional pain we experience.” He believes the solution is to live fully in the present—rather than being stuck with regrets about our past, anxiety over our current situation, or worry about the future, Tolle recommends we live in the ‘now’ where he believe that problems simply don’t exist. That approach certainly applies if we regret or resist the past—OR if we are worried or anxious about the future. But what about those who enjoy looking into the future, or reminiscing positively about the past? We aren’t fighting with the current reality—we just aren’t living as fully and completely as possible right now—and that is where my particular problem lies.
I am very fortunate because during the summer Thom and I escape the desert heat and rent a home at the beach for several months. Because it is important to us both, we make it happen. However, last week, several days before coming, I caught myself counting the days until we arrived. I kept thinking how much nicer it would be to walk in cool weather. I daydreamed about walks on the beach, exploring new places, and fun with friends and family. And although that was all very pleasant, at one point I had to say to myself “Stop!”. I realized that I was missing the joy in that particular day, that particular moment, and neglecting the good right in front of me. So instead of fantasizing about what was to come, I reeled myself in and told myself, “This is it. Enjoy now. Savor now!”
The problem with contemplating the future or past, no matter how pleasing (or distressing), is that instead of living a meaningful life right now, we are living in a sort of matrix of the mind. Remember that movie? In The Matrix, everyone is suspended in an artificial limbo while their minds experience a fantasy world that they believe to be real. The main character Nemo, is soon offered the choice between the blue pill (continuing the illusion maintained by the matrix) or the red pill (where he wakes up and realizes the sometimes-harsh reality of the real world).
While most of us say we want reality, our choices on a daily basis are often more matrix than real. Any of us who stay lost for hours in our computers, our televisions or even our books are looking for ways out of reality—not necessarily the way in. Even daydreaming positives about the future, or longing for the past, is a distraction. When you think about it, aren’t our diversions, 24-7 technology, entertainments, and constant busyness just more ways to stay disconnected from the now?
While I seldom have the answers for myself, let alone others, I am pretty sure that staying present is far more important to a quality life than living in a fantasy, no matter how good that fantasy can be at times. That doesn’t mean that we get so fanatical about only talking and thinking in the now that we ignore the future. However, instead, we do our best to let the present moment be our primary focus and then act from there. I like it how Tolle says it, “ Whereas before you dwelt in time and paid brief visits to the Now, have your dwelling place in the Now, and pay brief visits to past and future when required to deal with the practical aspects of your life situation.”
I’m guessing that pessimists will benefit from living in the now by keeping their focus away from thoughts of worry, regret or anxiety. Yet, the benefits for optimists are equally important. Anyone who is saying to themselves, “I’ll be happy when…” or, “I’d be happy if only…” is just focusing on the future or some hoped for event rather than right now. My staying present in the now ensures that I won’t miss the joys of today while contemplating the joys I may (or may not) experience in the future. Be here now.
Since my sister passed away a couple of months ago I am much more aware of how easy it is to go on auto-pilot and miss the minutes of each day. Her passing is a sharp reminder that there are no guarantees that any of us will even be here tomorrow—no matter how pleasant we might imagine it. This, today, very likely might be IT. Grounding ourselves in our body, and focusing on what is happening right now, is the only way to savor the experience of right now. Sure, having a future that holds promise and adventure is important. And pre-planning can be lots of fun. But it is equally SMART to stop, embrace the moment, and remind ourselves, “This is it.”
I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
—Mary Oliver
Okay, your turn. Do you live more in the past or the future than NOW? What works in your life to stay mindful and live in the present moment? Are you happy (or at least at peace) in the present moment or are you always looking for a way out? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
I find living in the moment is easier said than done. Especially if you are a “thinker”. It’s hard to stop that mind from getting ahead or rehearsing what just happened. I attempt to live day by day, and Mark and I are pretty successful at it, but it’s because I’ve experienced enough disappointment when planning ahead and anticipating, which turns into expecting. Not a good habit, if you’d like to take it as it comes and enjoy every moment. Anticipation leads to expectations, which in turn lead to disappointment, I always say.
Therefore, based on experience, we don’t plan much when it comes to life and our future, and only focus on planning practical arrangements. Are we happier that way? I guess more satisfied might be the description, yet, that joy of anticipation and trip planning is something I miss sometimes.
We live in the present, hope to have learned from the past, and smile at the future. 🙂
Hi Liesbet. Hmmm…I appreciate your perspective on this. I tend to believe that the ability to live in the moment and be mindful is something that you can cultivate…like a habit. As you may know (or not) both Thom and I have extremely busy minds but by practicing meditation and other mindful techniques we have gotten better and better at living in the now. That doesn’t mean I don’t plan…I just work to not get attached to the outcome or allow my expectations to determine how I feel. Not easy, but possible.
I can’t imagine not embracing the joy I get from planning (especially trip!) because it really is some of the best part of the experience for me. Again, I think a real key is staying nonattached to the outcome and keeping my expectations in check.
But I very much like your statement “We live in the present, hope to have learned from the past, and smile at the future. ?” That is a wonderful motto to live by. ~Kathy
I read somewhere that one of the greatest sources of joy in taking a vacation is anticipating it. But anticipation is future oriented. Hmm.
Just a short comment this time as a test.
Jude
Hi Jude! Yes, your comment made it past my spam checker. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I have you correctly whitelisted so you won’t be blocked again!
And yes, I do believe that anticipating my trips and adventures is at least half of my considerable enjoyment. We are planning a big trip this December and just researching and reading about it makes me happy. But even then, I have to pull myself back into the now and remember, “This is it.” 🙂
Thanks as always for your comment! ~Kathy
Add me to the list of planners. My summer schedule is already chock full of things I’ve planned and things I still hope to squeeze in. I guess this puts me in the category of excessive busyness.
I would have to admit that I’m all over the map when it comes to mindfulness. I can easily slide down the mental rabbit hole and get lost in there for a long time, although I’m much better at not ‘wishing my life away’.
Retirement has given me the freedom and control over my time that I rarely had when I was working and raising a family. It has become easier to allow myself to simply stop and watch something … like yesterday when a doe and her fawn were right outside the balcony of our rental condo. I was busy doing something else, but it got dropped as a priority while the deer were there for me to enjoy.
Hi Joanne! I’m guessing that when you worked your “planning abilities” served you very well. Especially when raising a family at the same time! But like you said, now that you are both older and retired, you can recognize the value of taking things a bit slower in order to appreciate them. What a shame that would have been to have missed having a deer and her baby right outside your balcony! The rewards to slowing down and being present usually make up for any loss we might have missed by not planning every second of our lives. Thank you for sharing such a great example. ~Kathy
If I’m lucky I will be able to plan my own death and funeral, how’s that for control? LOL! Not really, but I feel like I would want to get that detailed! I was in the planning business as a parks and rec person for 35 years, always thinking 3 months ahead and further. Hans taught me about the here and now (why is it so much easier for men to be this way?) and to enjoy the moments.When you rely on wind and waves for leisure, you get it when it happens, no scheduling! Even on vacations, I will plan but not obsessively so. All last semester was a good lesson (no pun intended) that showed me how much I had to plan out the course curriculum, assignments, getting it all onto the new university website, and doing so for the online component of the class. Try staying ahead of tech-savvy Millennials every week! I’m detail-oriented so planning is like a second skin, but I have learned to stop and smell the roses. I’ve just discovered Netflix now that we have a smart TV (is there such a thing?) and I keep finding more shows, series and movies to watch. Oh well, for me that is what summer is for. Always love your posts, Kath, are you at the beach yet? I think it’s hot there too!
Hi Terri! Yes we are at the beach now enjoying the cool temps. And yes, that’s what summer means to me now that we can get away from the desert for several months. It makes summers fun and enjoyable again rather than just something to endure!
And how great that Hans has taught you to live more in the moment. Even though us planner know how rewarding our planning can be it is wonderful to discover the benefits of both don’t you think? Thank you for adding your own experience with us all. And meanwhile, enjoy your summertime “leisure” too! ~Kathy
I was/am a planner! I thought I had life, as much as possible, under my control. Ha. Not.At.All.
I cannot say I always like or appreciate what happens without my say but I do know that each example seems to steer me in a better direction to have a more interesting life. Maybe that in itself is worth it. Loved reading your story and the comments from others.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom borne of experience.
Denyse
Hi Denyse! Yay for us planners! I think by remembering our “tendencies” we can learn to keep it all in balance and not get caught in the trap of rigidity is a good thing. And I’m all for being steered “in a better direction to have a more interesting life.” For me, reaching for that interesting life AND being open to even better possibilities, is a key. Thanks for your thoughts on this! ~Kathy
Kathy, You know I’m another planner. But I am learning to allow myself to be more in the now. To stop & have a chat with a neighbor. To put aside the book and join in making a sand castle (today at the beach). To not have every day fully booked and just be.
I like the balance of looking to the past, not in regret, but in gratitude for the people I’ve known, the experiences I’ve had. And looking to the future, not in waiting for Someday (which I still do too often), but to plan the activity so I’m not worried or stressed and can be in the now to fully enjoy it!
It’s good to be reminded to be in the now. Because this is it… this is life, today.
Hi Pat! Oh you said that so well I must repeat it!!! “I like the balance of looking to the past, not in regret, but in gratitude for the people I’ve known, the experiences I’ve had. And looking to the future, not in waiting for Someday (which I still do too often), but to plan the activity so I’m not worried or stressed and can be in the now to fully enjoy it!
May we both enjoy this moment, and all the moments of today, as much as possible. ~Kathy
Interesting post and questions. Hmmmm… I think (maybe more since I’ve retired) that I live more in the present. I like to plan and look forward to events, outings, and adventures but I’m not a big worrier and I don’t have great big regrets. Having said all that, I do feel that I need to be more mindful at times (is it possible to be in the present, yet have a wandering mind?).
Hi Janis. Good question. My first reaction is that a wandering mind isn’t present. I think it is usually wandering around in the future or the past rather than what is right in front of me (at least for me!) And while there is nothing “wrong” with a wandering mind (or daydreaming or fantasizing) I think it distracts us from experiencing true pleasure in what is happening right now. This is it. Sure while sitting here typing I can be thinking of all the things I want/need to do today or….I can pause, breathe, settle into my body, and remind myself, “This is it.” and there is a sense of awareness of how this moment will never ever, be this way again, that I will never ever be this way again. Do I take the time to realize that, feel that? Or just let it pass thinking about that to-do list (or whatever else captures our minds) and lose the precious nature of this moment? I think that choice is ours. Thanks for allowing me to fully express that thought. ~Kathy
I think I live in the present. I know there are things that compel me into action: my daily writing schedule; helping my husband, keeping our home and garden organized and beautiful. And letting the people I love know that I am thinking of them. But lately it is harder. When political life ran in the background like an ocean that I didn’t need to cross, to worry about (thank you Obama) now it’s almost a daily concern for others, children at the border, losing healthcare, losing net neutrality, being taxed beyond one’s means, worrying that my daughter can pay her student loans, that the planet will die, that there won’t be open spaces for wandering, but oil derricks everywhere or coal mines–attack attack. Being mindful is harder. Mary Oliver helps. And prayer, lots of prayer.
Hi Beth. Yes. When faced with challenging times and circumstances I agree it can be difficult to stay present. That’s why I love that quote from Tolle about staying in the now and then acting “when required to deal with the practical aspects of your life situation.” He, and other mindfulness teachers never talk about being doormats or refusing to take action when necessary. They just strongly remind me/us that we are our most powerful and have the most influence when we are grounded in the present moment. And yes, isn’t Mary Oliver so wonderful in that way. She seems to bring things to a “stop” in nature, look around, and appreciate that very moment in a way that few of us seem to notice. And yes. Prayer. Thanks for sharing what works for you! ~Kathy
Reminds me of the John Lennon line from his song Beautiful Boy: “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”
Hi Tom! Hahaha…yes it can be for sure. I’ve used that quote myself upon occasion but only when something didn’t turn out as expected!!! I think it points out what Jamie mentioned in her comment. We can make plans but NEVER get so attached to them that we freak out when they change. That’s why I, optimist that I am, often say to myself, “This or something better.” It takes more than a few changes of plans to get me down. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, I hung on every word I read in this post! I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your sister, when my brother died unexpectedly a couple of years ago it really brought into focus that each day needs to count. In saying that, I don’t always live in the moment, like you, I enjoy planning and feel more comfortable with structure in my life. My grandson, who is now 4 years old taught me to live in the moment. I would spend one day each week with him, just the two of us. He taught me that on that one day each week, all I needed to do was enjoy his company, play and savour every moment of his growth and experiences in life. I now have a new grandson, 3 weeks old, and hope to share special moments with him also. I agree that whilst we should be living in the moment and finding joy, there isn’t any problem remembering good times in the past or looking toward the future. Thank you, Kathy for such an inspiring and SMART post.
Sue from Sizzling Towards 60 & Beyond
Hi Sue! Thank you. Losing a sibling is a wake-up call for sure. I think losing anyone close to us is a reminder to us all that time is finite and we ought to make the most of the time we have left. And I thank you for sharing with us how being with your grandson is a PERFECT way to stay present in the moment. I think young children have that ability themselves and maybe like Ram Dass’s guru, help to “pull us into the now” if we let them. Of course, I continue to see people with young children or babies walking around staring at their cell phones instead of the child right next to them! I think just knowing like you do, that your grandson is such a positive trigger for you is wonderful. And congratulations on your new grandson too! ~Kathy
Two and a half years ago, I began practicing mindfulness on a daily basis, and it has improved my ability to stay present. I can honestly say that I’m pretty happy where I am, and when I’m not, I find it easier to practice patience and know that it will change.
Which leads to another of the benefits of practicing mindfulness – gaining deeper insight into the nature of change. The less we resist change, the happier we are. A willingness to float along with the river of change leads to greater satisfaction in the present moment.
But…I still have our accommodations secured for summer vacation! ?
Thank you for writing this wonderful observations on presence.
Hi Jamie! Thank you so much for sharing how staying present and mindfulness benefit your life. You said a couple of key things that I think go hand-in-hand with it and those are more patience when things don’t seem to be going the way we want and most importantly, the ability to flow with change and uncertainty. That’s a big reason why I picked the word, “flexible” as my word for 2018. It is to constantly remind me to bend and flow rather than resist what is in front of me. Plus it reminds me that when any change or uncertainty occurs, I flow with it instead of fight it. Thank you for that reminder. And YES YES to making reservations in advance. We can always change them if we need to, right? 🙂 ~Kathy
I’ve been struggling lately with the feeling that I’ve been living in limbo for a couple years, first waiting to retire, and now waiting for our house to sell so we can move away from winter. While I’m consciously working on focusing on the moment and the day, it’s proving not to be as easy as it sounds. Thanks, Kathy. This blog has some good reminders in it.
Hi Laurel. Thanks for sharing your dilemma with us all. I hope I didn’t make it sound to easy, because as you point out, it isn’t always. I do realize that I have a fairly easy time setting habits for myself, so that helps. But the world (and most other people) are constantly doing their best to get our attention and distract us from what is most helpful. I think finding a way to remind ourselves on a regular basis is very important. I think there are even apps now that we can set on our phones to remind us if we need it. But probably the most tried and true methods are daily practices like meditation, exercise, walks in nature, hanging out with people with a similar focus, and reading books to remind us are all helpful. Good luck. May we all have the ability to find joy right in front of us no matter what is happening. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy.
This is the post I needed to read at this exact moment in time. Thank you.
As a planner, I used to beat myself up for not living more fully in the present moment. “Be here now, be here now, damn it.” Not surprisingly, that didn’t work so well. Recently, I felt an enormous sense of relief when Thomas Moore said he thought that the focus on the present moment was highly overrated. It’s always so enjoyable when you read something that you really, really want to hear.
Even more recently though, I’ve been thinking that a balance of present and future/past would be a very good thing – as you suggested. I’m going to aim for a certain number of moments of mindfulness, beautifully described in book I was reading last night as “a dove whose wings are compassion and awareness.” I’m going to find a trigger for those moments – the author used bird song – and work on being here now for brief snippets of time. The rest of the time – planning, reflecting, seeking.
An aside – a few months at the beach – how absolutely wonderfully idyllic. No wonder you were anticipating.
Hi Karen! You’re welcome. But isn’t this message we all need to talk about, write about, and then share with each other on an ongoing basis? I know I can’t hear it enough. The world is very LOUD with constant distractions and I think only dedicated yogis, monks or nuns are trained to keep their focus. And thank you for the suggestion to find trigger moments for mindfulness. That is definitely helpful. Some of my best triggers are the moments before I fall asleep, my journaling and my daily meditation. But I think we can always find more.
And yes, the beach has been lovely and cool. If you were on FB you’d see a few photos. Otherwise you’ll have to wait for a blog post about it! 🙂 ~Kathy
Hi Kathy. Those are good trigger moments. Maybe I’ll start with those ones. Bird song sure doesn’t work for me. There are so many birds around here I’d be having my mindfulness moments every 30 seconds 🙂
I am on Facebook and did see your photos – you and Kloe meditating on the beach. I don’t like Facebook – it offends my design sensibilities, I don’t ever post anything on Facebook, but I’m on the dumb thing (sorry) because there are some groups I belong to (writing and collage) that only post there so I occasionally lurk. I’m a Facebook lurker – horrors! You heard it here first.
Hey Karen….Nice to know you are out there lucking. I actually know quite a few others who do that too–so you don’t have to apologize! I actually get quite a few people finding me through FB so I stay with it. And I enjoy seeing what others are doing, especially where they are traveling. It’s also a good way to keep up with some family members. But every now and then I DO get tired of some of the same old stuff on there and take a break. Thom is “breaking” for the entire time we are here at the beach and he said after just one week that he’s feeling much more peaceful AND has done a lot more reading!!! Hm…who knows? Maybe I’m next????? ~Kathy
This post made me chuckle—I’m a planner too, and have often chastised myself for missing the precious moments of the day in order to satisfy the requirements of the next ‘plan’! For this reason, I have Eckhart Tolle’s book, the Power of Now, on my night table, so I can read a passage every night and remind myself to live in the moment the next morning. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but I always thought that in the long run, preparing myself for the next day is a good practice. Then I stood back, and realized what I had done—planned my next move in ‘living for the moment’! Ironic!
Hi Diane! Hahahaha! I so understand the need to “plan” for our living in the moment 🙂 Only another planner would get that! (or maybe someone who is married to one.) I should do a quiz sometime asking how many of my readers here on SMART Living are planners? I’ll bet many who are interested in my writings think along those lines. I’ve had non-planners make fun of me and tell me that planning takes all the fun out of the situation. But when I read the words of Gretchen Rubin in her “Four Tendencies Test” she basically said that planners believe that planning gives them freedom. I so agree! When I plan I don’t have to worry about what I’m missing, what I forgot, what I need to do, what’s available, etc. We know, or at least have a pretty good idea. That means that we can then be as spontaneous as we want “in the moment.” (at least that is the story I tell myself!!)
And good for you for reading a bit from Tolle’s book each night. That HAS to be sitting you up for the awareness in a bigger way, even if planned! ~Kathy
My illness really reinforced my commitment to the now. When I sat down with my financial planner telling him I did not want to go back to work full time he told me I had to for my retirement planning longevity. He didn’t understand my longevity was shortened and I was more interested in the now! Got a new financial advisor. Whenever I find myself saying, ” I just have to get through this” be it a long flight, a medical appointment or an event, I shake myself into thinking more “What can I offer to this situation and learn from it’. Sometimes it helps!
Hi Haralee! Thank you so much for sharing this personal example of living in the moment and embracing the NOW. Like Laura Lee mentioned, serious illness can do that for sure. But I LOVE how you refused to listen to your first financial advisor and found one more in alignment with your needs and desires. Even better, I appreciate your tactic to address uncomfortable moments by instead of complaining about it, you turn it around and as yourself, “What can I offer to this situation and learn from it?” That is awesome advice for us all. ~Kathy
It seems that I could only learn how to live in the present by leaving city life behind. Serious illness is also great incentive for being present with each moment I am given. GRATITUDE!
Hi Laura, Yes, I’ll bet your adventure of learning to live in the “country” was a huge lesson in living in the moment. I also agree that illness can certainly make us pause and reflect on our lives in ways that nothing else can. I think I read somewhere that people report the most “present awareness” when they feel the pull of their own mortality. Thankfully we don’t have to wait until the end to do that. But we do have to remember…and like you say, be grateful. ~Kathy
This IS it, Kathy!
I too am a planner and a “nexter”. Thanks for introducing me to this term – I do it, but didn’t know there was a name for it.
And thank you very much for the poem – I love it. Coincidentally, my last blog post was called “Precious Life”. It’s important to plan, but also important not to let the present moment pass you by. It’s something that is on my mind, too.
Deb
Hi Deb! Great minds think alike! I just read your post and so agree that cherishing the moments are so important. I LOVED your photos of your kayaking. Just looking at them was peaceful. And I will also have to check out that time-line thing you mention. A visual is ALWAYS a good reminder to stop, pay attention, and breathe. Thanks for your thoughts! ~Kathy
I like having a plan or foundation and then I can relax. Now———-what was I doing?
Hi Gary! It takes one to know one! I think us planners know how to find each other as friends don’t we? And yes, planning well helps to remember everything going on in our overactive minds. ~Kathy