Lately, I’ve noticed how tempting it is to conform. When young and I had nothing to lose, it’s seemed easier to jump into new ideas feet first without thinking. Then supposedly, at the other end of life when our days are numbered, some people find the courage to live as outrageously as they’ve always wanted. But there, wedged in the middle, the unconscious agreement is often the willingness to stay stuck in a space you could call “comfortably numb.” There, cautiously hesitant to rock the boat for fear of uncertainty, many of us merely maintain the status quo. But is that living? Is living comfortably numb the best payoff for the gift of your life? While we obviously can’t return to our youth, we can and maybe should, seek ways to free our inner nonconformist in the days that lie ahead.
One of my favorite writers about nonconformity was Ralph Waldo Emerson. Remember his books from our college days? In the past, his words from the essay “Self-Reliance” inspired me to action and possibility. He said, “Whoso would be a man, must be a nonconformist. He who would gather immortal palms must not be hindered by the name of goodness, but must explore it if it be goodness. Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of our own mind. Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world.”
Not only does Emerson challenge us to be nonconformists, but he also reminds us that, “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.” Even better, he says, “To be great is to be misunderstood.” But again, when young, those words have the power to inspire us to revolution. Dwelling in middle-aged comfort, nonconformity asks us to wake up, become more conscious, and be willing to sacrifice all our preconceived certainties for the potential of what lies out of sight.
Another famous nonconformist I’ve always admired is Jonathan Livingston Seagull. Remember that story? Jonathan Seagull was a rebel bird that dreamed of flying and soaring above and beyond the path of the average seagull destined to merely eat and survive. When Jonathan insisted on practicing day after day in pursuit of flight, his flock banned him and as an outcast he was forced to fly alone. From there he began to practice flight in amazing ways until at the top of his game, he realized that his true course of action was to return to his flock and teach anyone who was willing to listen that they too, were born to fly. As Jonathan says in the end, “Why is it the hardest thing in the world to convince a bird that he is free, and that he can prove it to himself if he’d just spend a little time practicing? Why should that be so hard?”
On the other end of the spectrum exists plenty of evidence that some people near the end of their lives tend to stop caring what anyone else thinks and start doing the things they have always dreamed of doing. Of course, not everyone gets there. Author and palliative care nurse Bonnie Ware shares the #1 regret in her book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” But those that do are like poet Jenny Joseph who wrote in her poem, “Warning,” “When I am an old woman I shall wear purple with a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me. And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves.” Far advanced age can make us more fearless. At that stage, we hopefully realize we have little to lose.
But what about all of us in the middle? Adam Grant, Wharton Professor and author of Originals—How Non-conformists Move the World explains what it means in the business world. He says, “…I think conformity is dangerous because it means following other people not because you believe in their ideas or agree with them, but because you want to fit in instead of standing out. And look, every pioneer needs settlers. Every leader needs followers. But I want people, when they choose to march in line with someone else, to do it because they actually feel that the idea makes sense, not because they’re afraid of rocking the boat.”
Grant goes on to confirm how tempting it is to conform when in the middle—middle age or middle position. He says, “…middle status conformity effect is pretty widely demonstrated. So the idea is that if you’re at the very bottom of a hierarchy, then you have nothing to lose by speaking up or bringing new ideas to the table, because there’s nowhere to fall from the bottom. If you’re at the top, if you’re a leader, you’ve actually earned the license to think differently.” So what exactly are we so afraid of losing when we are at middle-life that causes us to shrink down and refuse to risk being different?
After giving it some thought I don’t think that we are afraid that we aren’t living our dreams. Instead, I think most of us are afraid of risking our comfort. For most of my life I have been a nonconformist. I traveled quite a bit on my own, I became a self-employed small business owner at a young age, never finished my college degree, I chose (along with my husband) to remain childfree at a time when that was clearly unusual, and I became a writer without any formal training. I’ve skydived, scuba dived at night, and skinny-dipped in a crowd in the hot tubs at Esalen Institute (it was nighttime!). Still, even then, I recognize the occasional pull to conform so that I don’t disturb my comfortable life.
I think the question that we are all called to ask ourselves (so we don’t end up as one of those people at the end of our lives with regrets) is, does it matter? The reason it might be very important at this particular time in history is because there is a lot of challenging issues that we face and it is very tempting just to stick with the status quo, stay silent, self-medicate, and protect our comforts. Sure you might end up being thought of by others as a sweet or nice person, but chances are good you might end up like Rita Mae Brown who said, “The reward for conformity was that everyone liked you except yourself.” Or, as Mary Oliver says in her poem that I quoted a couple of weeks ago, “I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.”
I realize, like so many other things I write about here on SMART Living 365 that this is not a one-size fits all issue. We are all different. But for those of us that suspect that our purpose as conscious beings is to continually grow, expand and serve others while here on Earth, then we might want to resist the urge to conform or go numb and reach further than we have in the past. Plus, I believe most of us like to think we act independently and seldom follow the crowd. But do we? So I came up with a few questions to ask myself to see how often I chose comfort over adventure, or safety over possibility. How would you answer these?
- When was the last time you did something that felt scary or pushed your limits beyond what you routinely do most days of your life?
- Do you constantly make choices that support comfort in your experiences or do you try to mix that up with challenges?
- Do you ignore the pain and plight of anyone outside of you family and friends out of a need to “keep what’s yours safe?”
- Do you routinely self-medicate and go numb in order to deal with what’s going on in the world?
- Do you avoid all risk even when things aren’t that great because, “The devil you know is better than the one you don’t?”
- Do you secretly crave to do/be/try something new and different but don’t want to rock the boat?
I agree that it can be scary to think of stirring up a comfortable life. But again, is that really the purpose of our one and crazy life? As Henry David Thoreau said so long ago, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to their grave with their song still in them.” I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to go quietly to my grave because it was so comfortable snoozing in my recliner. Instead, it’s possible that the SMART approach is as author Hunter S. Thompson said, “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a Ride!”
This blog is full of encouragement , wisdom and a challenge to keep moving forward. I have taken up writing lately and, while I love the process I find it is such a metaphor for life. When I get discouraged about a story or short memoir I am working on, my urge is to listen to those tapes in my head saying … quit, give up, (and be comfortable) 🙂
I will return to your essay when I feel myself sinking into comfort. I will read your 6 point checklist, which puts it all together so well. And I will read all the quotes (from the wonderful writers) for inspiration to remind myself that comfort is simply that, it is comfortable but not especially satisfying.
Hi Bill! Good for you for jumping into writing and all the benefits it can provide to any of us willing to take it on. And thank you for letting me know you think that this post will keep you encouraged and engaged. It did me as well and I too re-read it whenever I think about giving up. And my very favorite quote is by Helen Keller who said, “Life is a daring adventure or nothing!” ~Kathy
Wow! I love this article. This provided me with lots of wisdom on how to handle things in life. Thank you so much.
I’m like Rena — comfort zone? What comfort zone? I think that embracing non-conformity helps keep me sane. The opposite would lead me into madness. Well, a different kind of madness than the one I’m already afflicted with. Bwahahaha!
Hi Laura! Good for you for living in the non-conformity zone! I don’t know if it is where I live, or the age I’ve become, but I see a lot of conformity where I live and that prompted me to write the post. And hey, I feel the urge to do it myself so I understand where some people are coming from. But I know when I start letting the choice to be safe and comfortable to guide my actions I am headed in the wrong way–that’s a different thing than staying conscious and aware and acting with intention. I too would far rather be associated with the “crazies” than with the dull–so you sound like good company to me. ~Kathy
Hello Kathy I have been reading you site and I am very impressed by the content and education-I did not know you were such a successful writer-I subscribed and I’ll be reading it everyday-I need it-
Hi Melinda! Welcome! I never know who has read my work or not, so I just keep writing! Nice to see you here though. ~Kathy
I guess it’s easier for me because I’ve yet to find my comfort zone haha! I have always been a nonconformist, but I do catch myself trying to stay in the “safe lanes” more often than not. I want to be one of those seniors that just don’t care! Must be refreshing!
Hi Rena! I LOVE that you haven’t yet found your comfort zone! Most of us work far too hard to find it and then fight like the devil to hang on to it even when it clearly no longer serves us. Keeping up our enthusiasm for things we are passionate about is critical. Yes to us both being one of those seniors that don’t care what others think! ~Kathy
Life starts at the edge of your comfort zone! So many believe that once they have X amount of money, X amount of savings, X amount of cars, X amount of diplomas ect ect they’ll finally be happy… seeking comfort until they’ve reached their “goal” and then when they get there, they end up seeking greater comforts because they never actually feel that sense of happiness they believed was there, surrounded by comfort. Society loves to trick us, from the moment we can watch tv, read the newspaper, understand our parents, we are bombarded by this false information and are then doomed to seek happiness in a means that always leaves us wanting more. The sad part? Happiness isn’t something you need to seek… all you have to do is look inside, its right there waiting, and then to light life on fire and keep it burning you must test yourself, challenge what you know, and learn from everyone and everything around you. Change is the only constant in life and I for one have found happiness AND comfort riding on the coattails of change 🙂
Hi Andrew! Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. I agree with all you said. Change is all that we know will occur in the future and finding peace with that lies within. But knowing it and living it are often at odds. And of course, like Carlos Castaneda said, We have to balance the lineality of the known universe with the nonlineality of the unknown universe.” ~Kathy
Retiring at 55 was a huge un-comfort-zone! The first 6 months was nerve-racking because I couldn’t teach the first 180 days (CalPERS). But my blog benefited. Learning to windsurf at age 49, and taking my first international plane ride were two other zones that were exciting! I guess I will have one foot in comfort and the other out the door. As much as I love to travel and see new things, I do love coming home to my home and routine. We have big plans in a few years! Provocative post for us all, Kathy!
Hi Terri! Your story is inspiring and great for reminding us all that there are so many ways we can stay growing, active and engaged with life in so many ways. Keep it up…you/we/me are all too young to give up any time soon. ~Kathy
“I don’t think that we are afraid that we aren’t living our dreams. Instead, I think most of us are afraid of risking our comfort. ”
This is a very wise quote, Kathy. You nailed it exactly. I believe as we age we do want to live our dreams…but perhaps want our comfort more. Thanks for a very provocative post!
Hi Donna! Thanks…as usual I can only claim this for myself but I’ll bet that I’m not the only one who faces this now and again. May we all be the change we want to see in the world, and in ourselves! ~Kathy
Provocative post Kathy with some great quotes.I know several people who divorce or change where they live because they realized they were doing what was expected not what they wanted. I think it is great and never too late. That said it is difficult choices to uproot and change and explain.
Hi Haralee! I agree that it’s never too late to realize that we have allowed ourselves to be lulled to sleep. Of course I also understand that it isn’t easy. But isn’t that part of the problem, we’ve gotten so used to things being rather comfortable and easy that we don’t do what we know deep inside we should do. I would rather be momentarily uncomfortable that endure “comfortable numbness” for the remainder of my life! ~Kathy
Your post dovetails nicely with what has been on my mind the last month or so. I read a few blogs written by people who have sold everything and dedicated their retired life to traveling the world. My husband and I have a good life – some travel, some challenges, and a fair amount of comfort. I wonder though, will I regret not being bolder in our choices later in life when we no longer have the option? Will I regret spending too much time in front of my computer (including the time spent on my blog) and not enough exploring other areas of interest? Although chucking it all for a life of travel probably isn’t in our DNA, I do think we could challenge ourselves to stretch more outside our comfort zone.
None of your posts say “conformity” to me, Janis. Actually, quite the opposite. (:
Hi Janis! Thanks for bringing up the questions that I think we all have. Did we make the right choices? Are we really doing what we are capable of doing? Did we hold back when we shouldn’t have? Did I do the right thing writing or blogging or ???? As a person who tends to double (or triple) think everything, I too end up questioning most of my actions. But I can’t help but believe that questioning our thoughts and actions leads to great awareness–and that leads to a SMART life. And possibly, there is no right or wrong in our actions as long as we’ve done them with awareness. ~Kathy
Doing something that is a little bit scary has always worked for me. Now I’m rewriting my novel and I have had two sessions of querying and being rejected. But I haven’t quit and after a time it’s not scary. I think life is like that, you jump in (like my first time on the maternity floor when I worked as a L&D RN) and do what you can. Sometimes you feel like an imposter, but after a while that feeling goes away.
Hi Beth! Good for you for working on your novel and not letting the rejection stop you. As you say, jumping in and doing what you can often leads to the next step. Sometimes it might seem like you are being an “imposter” OR you could also decide to think of it as “acting as if.” I tend to believe that sometimes that those types of actions can help us reveal exactly what we need to do next. Thank you so much for adding this to the conversation. ~Kathy
I suppose I do a little of both—live comfortably AND on the edge. There is a time for everything, and, once you decide to take the plunge and do something significant (or different), you need to give yourself time and space to have the ‘down times’ too. Otherwise, you would leave yourself open to stress and ill health. So, if we’ve had a busy week, and decide to take it easy on the weekend, that’s just having common sense! Thanks, Kathy!
Hi Diane! I so agree that there is a time for everything. Pushing things just to push isn’t the answer for sure. But I think there are many times when I’ve felt, and I have witnessed the same in others, when action was called for but I let it slip away. That doesn’t make it wrong or bad, but it does tell me that I am perhaps not always living my full potential. Knowing the difference is a HUGE key don’t you think? But like I said in the article, we must all know what works for each of us individually and following through with it. ~Kathy
I’m with Diane (Still the Lucky Few). I push myself to try different things, to say yes when I’m scared, etc. But one cool thing about getting older is knowing yourself. After a lifetime of experience outside of the conventional mold, it’s kind of a relief to let myself be average in some ways. Although with my pro-aging stance, I’m constantly in the ring, punching. Sometimes I just want to rest. Thanks for another thoughtful, insightful post, Kathy.
Hi Lynne! Thanks for adding that bit about how when we are older we often have the perspective of knowing ourselves better–and yes, being average sometimes is exactly what feels good. As usual I’m probably “preaching to the choir” here on SMART Living because I don’t think you (or many other readers) would be here unless you were a little beyond average most of the time. But as I’m sure you have witnessed, there is quite a bit of apathy in our country right now and particularly in our age group so sometimes we need to remind each other to get involved EVEN when we sometimes just want it all to go away. Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
Kathy, you are right, it is easy to do the comfortable thing. It’s easy to keep doing things the way we “always did it”. But, all it really takes is one friend, and I do mean friend, to say to you, honestly, you are only not doing something because you’ve never done it before.
A friend told me that several months ago and it was the turning point in my decision process before deciding to run for City Council. The campaign would definitely take me out of my “comfort zone”. It did. I’m am glad I did it. At 67 I’ve found a whole new way to serve my community.
While I don’t advocate making changes just to make changes I do advocate, with you, fighting the urge to stay in the comfort zone.
Hi Kathleen! I so appreciate you bringing up the idea of how important it is to have people who support you. A true friend will tell you when you’ve stepped off the path OR help you make choices that will allow you to follow your dreams even when you’re scared or nervous. And as far of you running for City Council, you are an amazing role model to all of us. I’m SURE that it took you out of a “comfort zone” but from what I can see is how much of a “natural” you are at the job and what an excellent councilperson you will make. And while I suppose there are times when people force change just to stir things up, I’ll bet that most do the opposite…avoid change at all cost. Balance is good in all things right? Thanks for adding to the conversation. ~Kathy
Thank you Kathy, for these wonderful reflections. Calls to mind Tony Robbins’ discussion in Awakening the Giant where he notes that people are more likely to do things to avoid pain, then to seek pleasure. Our tendency to fear and avoid pain in all its dimensions is often an underlying factor in the choices and decisions we make. Through intention and awareness, we may start to consider other alternatives. With courage, we may take the steps to follow our true paths!
Hi Jennifer! Thank you so much for adding these ideas to the discussion. And yes, I completely agree about how we so often let fear guide our choices without even realizing it. As you say, having attention and awareness makes all the difference. It’s amazing what we can do when we find that courage within. ~Kathy
I have a quote in my space that reads – There is peace being on the land alone – Sheila Barrow, 1903.
When I look at the questions you pose, I realize that the peace is hard won – to be scared and do it anyway; to balance challenge with respite; to acknowledge the plight of others and help at least one; to walk the world in sobriety and feel the pain and great joy; to risk because there’s nothing left to lose; to stand alone and be your own best friend.
Hi Mona! I love all of your observations. And isn’t that the paradox of life? While I think we all long for the black and white solution, life is infinitely more complicated than that. Ultimately though, learning to be our own best friends is one of the sweet spots. ~Kathy
What an apropos post, Kathy! And yes, you are so right–we want comfort as we get older, and it can sure rule our lives. I’m laughing–it’s one of the demons my main character faces in my new novel.
And I hadn’t thought of the Emerson quote in forever! “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.” That one always tickles me so!
I’ve gone through this as well though. And honestly woke up one morning a few years ago and thought, is this all there is? Of course, that woke me up in an entirely different way.
Since then I’ve been focused on taking those risks, committing to what’s most important to me. Being who I am.
It has literally changed my life.
Thank you for this!
Hi Susan! Thanks for your input. You can tell what I’ve been thinking about this week. I’ve been listening to a lot of Abraham-Hicks and over and over I heard her say that our purpose as cutting edge creators isn’t to ever “arrive” at a perfect understanding with every dream fulfilled. What would be the point of that? Instead we are here to experience the risk and thrill of that growth, and continually enjoy the journey of creation. Good for you for discovering that for yourself so early on in your life!! ~Kathy
It’s so hard to step out of your comfort zone when it’s taken a LONG time to get to that point. I feel the pull to keep moving forward but also the desire to sit and put my feet up and sigh with relief for having finally made it to a point where there is less struggle and stress. I guess I have to remember that moving forward is the healthiest choice (but maybe I’ll have a little quiet rest first!)
Hi Leanne! I agree that there is a fine-line between appreciating that sweet space of comfort AND the willingness to create and reach for something new. I’m not sure that we HAVE to do it as healthy individuals…maybe yes, maybe no…but I do know for me I can’t imagine any other kind of life. Maybe we have to rethink the idea that comfort is our ultimate goal? Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy