A few weeks ago I posted a quote by e.e. cummings that said, “To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you like everyone else is to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.” That quote continues to speak deeply to me. It is based upon my own desire to be true to myself even though I really want to be accepted and yes, loved, by everyone else. And I’m guessing that many of us are feeling that contradiction in these times—whether that be related to politics, COVID, systemic racism, income equality, or others. Fortunately, one of the answers to that predicament came to me this week around the topic of conformity. When is conformity a good thing, and when is conformity a jail cell that we are in without remembering the door isn’t even locked? When does conformity keep us safe, and when is it holding us back?
But before I go too far, I want to address the issue of politics. A couple of blog posts ago I used examples to make my point that women had been subjugated throughout history. One of my readers commented that while she agreed with my point, she didn’t like that I included politics. And while I appreciate getting comments and don’t expect everyone to agree with me (I just hope I make you think!) I thought her comment about politics deserved analysis. See, I approach politics like everything else, a topic that touches every area of our lives. Simply put, politics is defined as the way people make agreements to live and work together, make collective decisions, and decide to distribute power. While many of us women have avoided both the discussion and participation of it in the past, politics affects our lives every day and needs to play a more prominent role so that we aren’t—drum roll please!—stuck in the jail of our conformity.
When you read up about conformity you find out that there are several different types. The primary one is social or normative conformity. This is where we agree with what others are thinking and saying because we want to be liked and accepted. Most of us do this when we are young because we not only want but need to be accepted and loved by our family. This then extends to our friends at school. In fact, this is the definition of peer pressure. So even when a young person believes they are being completely unique and reject what their parents want them to do, look like, and behave, most of them just switch over from parental conformity to peer pressure. In other words, just because you break free from one jail cell you might just climb in another.
Then there is informational or expert conformity. This is where we agree because we want to be thought of as intelligent and “right” so we agree with the “the expert” or crowd we are hanging around. Remember the saying our parents used, “If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you too?” Unfortunately many of us would have—and maybe still might. With expert conformity you put all your trust and respect in someone whose authority you admire and have been taught to never question. So rather than point out that an emperor has no clothes, you find yourself going along with what your tribe tells you, instead of seeing clearly with the eyes of an unconditioned child.
Research exists that proves how deeply conformity is hardwired into us. One of the most well-known studies comes from a man named Solomon Asch who demonstrated how individuals commonly yield to group influence. In his study he asked participants to study one vertical line on a sheet of paper and then compare it to three vertical lines of varying length on another. The question was asked, “which of a. b. or c. looks the same?” The thing was, of the five participants, four of them were part of the experiment. When those four selected one of the choices that was clearly wrong, the remaining participant still frequently agreed and picked the same. That’s right, even when the answer was pretty apparent to everyone, the individual in question yielded to the majority over what was obvious. Later, when asked why that person went along with such an obvious error, he/she claimed that he/she did not want to be ridiculed or thought “peculiar” by claiming something different.
Other very common examples exist in groups of people who follow a national or spiritual leader (or perceived expert) to their detriment and/or even death! Tragic examples of this are Charles Manson, James Jones, David Koresh or Marshal Applewhite. Each one of these leaders convinced followers to “drink the Kool-Aid” and kill either others or themselves. (Do I even need to mention Hitler and those who participated in killing millions of innocent children, men and women?) Not only do they prove that a person who can construct a convincing enough story has the power to make people follow them against their own better interests, but it also proves how easy it is for people to conform in order to belong.
So where does conformity come from? From what I can tell, conformity is a natural human tendency to live together with other people and stay safe. Let’s face it, if you are surrounded by wilderness and wild animals, we need to get along and be accepted by others for food and protection. Deep within our psyche is the need for a place in our community where we belong. Obvious benefits are how most of us follow basic laws like those related to traffic and driving. Other conformed agreements are things like monogamy and caring for our young. Good can come from conformity as long as it benefits our culture rather than constrains it. But who gets to decide? That’s part of the problem.
What happens when your tribe is bad at protecting you, or has an agenda to use you for their own benefit? Where do you draw the line? Where do you step away and at least try to find something different? Unfortunately it isn’t as easy as just asking a few questions. I’m thinking it requires self-awareness, resilience, courage and self-reliance. And something more. To be most effective it requires a deep faith and trust in one’s Self and an understanding of where one fits in the Universe. Until you have that you will likely just stay with your tribe no matter how bad it gets. As Rita Mae Brown said, “The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.”
Getting back to the study by Solomon Asch. What were the results of his research? He concluded that somewhere around 30% of all the test subjects would always go along with the crowd. That’s right! Nearly a third of those tested repeatedly denied their own eyes in order to go along with the crowd. Beyond that, approximately 50% of them would consistently pick at least one time to go along with the crowd. It was only a small percentage of people who were willing to pick the obvious correct answer and basically point out that the emperor had no clothes.
I used to think it was confirmation bias that kept so many of us stuck in erroneous thinking. Now I realize how big a role conformity plays. Unless we are willing to take a good long look at our thinking and the choices we make so automatically we’ll stay that way. We also need to be willing to snap out of numbness or complacency and ask ourselves deep but important questions like: where and why am I complicit? What do I automatically take for granted? What am I willing to overlook to keep the peace? Am I an example to others of someone being true to herself, or someone who just goes along with others to be accepted?
Then this week I read an article in The Atlantic about why people continue to vote for our current president even when they don’t like him. And because I am fascinated by why people do what they do, especially when it is against their best interests, I couldn’t help but read it. And the simple answer was that many of the people who will continue to support him (even after admitting that he’s doing a bad job) will do so because their tribe—their family, their church, their Facebook friends, or their community—repeatedly tells them something that makes them believe that liberals and the media aren’t to be trusted and would be even worse. They are putting their need to belong in front of their own truth or facts—and from what I can tell, that is a clear example of conformity.
What the article points out at the end is that regardless of who is elected, that mindset of conformity isn’t going away. As the Asch research shows, about 30% of the population will agree with anything their tribe says just so they will fit in and belong. And the more anyone on the opposite side of the groupthink questions them, that will only make them dig in further with their beliefs. Are they happy? Who knows? But they belong and that is the price they insist on paying. Of course, knowing that the majority of the population (70%) can wake up and consciously think for themselves gives me hope.
So what will it take? I understand that a really cushy padded jail cell can be difficult to leave. Facing all that uncertainty outside the cell is scary for those who have never ventured out. But surely we were born for more than an easy comfortable life where we pay some bills, stay busy and then die with an obituary that says, “She was so nice and everyone liked her.” Deep inside I believe each of us carries a unique contribution to the world that only we can deliver. That’s why when it’s time for me to pass on, I would rather my obituary said something like, “She was an optimistic adventurer who like to share ideas and make people think!” Let’s never forget that we only have so much time left on the planet no matter what our age. Perhaps the SMARTest thing we can do is listen to and then follow that still small voice within that is eager for us to be true to ourselves.
Thank you for this informative and inspirational post.
Being a life long learner I want to hear what other people have to share.
Striving for curiosity of perspectives without being judgmental, shutting down, and/or turning away is a challenge for me. Your writing helps to guide my path!
Hi Ruthie! Thank you. I agree that it isn’t always easy to hear opposing viewpoints but I have a strong goal to be able to at least listen and then respond from that by doing like you say, “without being judgmental, shutting down and/or turning away.” Can you imagine how we women would be so far ahead (at least I would be!) if we were not only raised that way but encouraged? Of course, I think I read somewhere that if we didn’t get what we needed when we were kids it is time to “parent” ourselves and provide that guidance. It is always nice to hear that my path is helping others light their path as well. ~Kathy
Very thought provoking. I personally have a huge need to belong. Do I “conform to a tribe’s beliefs” to accomplish that? Perhaps. But I also believe that the tribe I link to has similar values to me. So maybe it’s not I’m conforming to them, but they match me. Or maybe I’m just lying to myself! (Oh, and among other things, I believe in science, that there is systemic racism in our country, that we shouldn’t impose our personal religious beliefs on anyone else, and we should protect others – wear the damn mask).
Hi Pat! I can’t help but believe that we all find some form of “tribe” to belong to because we are human. We are connected. We need (or at least most of us) people. I think the big question for me is am I just accepting (or settling) for the easy convenient tribe around me or have I made a conscious effort to find and connect with those who allow me to be my best and most true self? Obviously no one but you can decide that for another. And I’m guessing that some of us are lying to ourselves because we can’t imagine another way. I think that probably the only way we know that is to spend time just with ourselves and listen to our inner guidance (along with the wisdom of our body) which likely tell us the real truth. Thanks for sharing your honest thoughts and YES, please wear your mask! ~Kathy
I may be crazy, but I have faith that sanity will rule after this upcoming election….
I really hope you’re not crazy Laura Lee!
Love that quote about “the hardest battle you will face in life” Kathy. I’ve had it before me since I read it on a graduation program years ago! And your quote from Rita Mae Brown,
“The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.”
Conformity is why cults still work even within a free society. I lived in Salt Lake City for a few years and that was my main life lesson in “group think.” That’s where one of my favorite sayings came from about conformity and ignorance: “If ignorance is bliss than Utah is utopia!” But there will always be the free thinkers who find the strength to break through and say, “This is bullshit!” Hopefully we will see a lot of that kind of thinking this election. We can only hope that this referendum on stupidity proves we still have a nation of free thinkers…
Hi Laura Lee! Speaking of loving quotes, that one about “If ignorance is bliss then Utah is utopia!” made me laugh. Author Martha Beck sort of inspired me to write this and if you didn’t know, she was born and raised in Utah and essentially walked away from it all for “various reasons.” In her many books and podcasts she explains that no matter how hard it was and all the loss it entailed, it was definitely something that saved her life. Now she spends all her time reminding us all to follow our inner guidance. Surely if more of us did that we wouldn’t find our country and our world in it’s current condition. May this election just help to encourage those of us who believe in thinking for ourselves to continue to do it. Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
Such an interesting post, Kathy. It’s hard not to to be a conformist when one is raised a certain way, we surround ourselves with similar people, and – especially in this age of social media – our news feeds are actually tailored to our tastes. It’s funny to see those “rugged individualists” who all dress and act the same way (motorcycle gangs, hipsters, etc.). They would probably dispute that they have a uniform and a code of conduct, but they do.
I’m good with my tribe, though. It is made up of smart, mostly progressive, engaging women and men (this is the conformity) who have a multitude of interests and talents (how we differ beautifully).
Hi Janis! Yes from everything I read it is easy to just automatically absorb the thoughts, ideas and practices of our culture. That’s why author Martha Beck says that “Culture is about consensus and it is time for us to come to our senses.” She is the author of the book “Follow Your Own North Star” and a big proponent of learning to make choices and decisions for yourself based upon your own internal nature. Of course some people are perfectly happy with how they fit in and can’t see any reason to change and/or challenge that. That’s great. But not everyone feels that way especially if they feel stuck in a conforming family or group and can’t seem to find a way out without denying or ignoring their “internal nature” — hence, consensus. But when you do find a tribe (and it sounds like you have) where you allow yourself to be fully yourself then count yourself very fortunate. Thanks for sharing your experience. ~Kathy
Optimistic adventurer? Nah, methinks thou art a cheetah! And sometimes that’s what it takes. Ever heard of “Plato’s Cave”? Guess that it and the jail cell are similar, when it comes right down to it. I learned about “Plato’s Cave” from one of my counsellors not long after I left my tribe… and learned how to roll with the name calling, labelling, and ostracization. In this I found my resilience, creativity, and deep inner strengths. Now, 40 odd years later, I thought I’d just toss the idea out there for anyone wanting to dare, it is so worth it. Embrace your cheetah, your eccentric, your weirdo, your crazy, your joy… and dance like nobody’s watching. But I’m really not saying anything new. You may not have many friends in the end, but to know yourself, love yourself, and champion yourself… and then, in turn the world you live in, is such a satisfying way to live a life. At least in my opinion, a contented old cheetah.
Hi Ezme. Okay “I am cheetah, hear me roar?” hahahaha… Yes I vaguely remember Plato’s Cave and you are so right. ONce we get conditioned to just see that reflection of light it is REALLY difficult to turn and accept that it was all only a shadow of ourselves and our lives. Good for you for taking that bold step so long ago and finding your “resilience, creativity and deep inner strengths.” I think in my case my growth has been a series of steps where I have let a bit of the true light in a bit at a time and while I’ve grown, there are still areas where I’m not fully facing (and acknowledging) the “real” light at the front of the cave. It’s time. After all, what else do I have to do with my “one wild and precious time!” Thanks for your input fellow cheetah! ~Kathy
The sentence that jumped out at me the most was “The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.” Wow. Isn’t that just the simple truth? Deep down inside we know it doesn’t feel good – but ‘safe’.
We tend to think about conformity as something that affects teenagers, or getting along in the workplace, but the truth is, it’s everywhere in our lives. A very thought-provoking post.
Hi Joanne! Living in that paradox between safety and truth is a tricky one that I’m finding more and more unacceptable to me as I get older. So much of it has to do with my own inner confidence and as I am learning to trust that…I remind myself that in the words of Helen Keller, “Safety is merely an illusion.” Thanks for letting me know this one got you thinking 🙂 ~Kathy
Thanks for the encouragement again to stand up and be myself–even if my tribe disagrees.
Hi Gary! If we can’t encourage those of us on a “different” path…who can? Thanks for always being one of mine and I’ll do my best to be one of yours! ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – Unquestionably, you are an optimistic adventurer who openly shares ideas and makes people think. That’s one of the things that I like most about you. Once again, this post is filled with many gems. I have also found the comments here to be fascinating. I will definitely return to read the later comments that come in!
Hi Donna! Thank you 🙂 And your comment is exactly why you are such a friend to me! I also agree that the comments have been interesting, engaging and yes encouraging. As has been said, if you are stirring up a little controversy then you likely aren’t presenting anything new and/or original. At almost 9 years of doing this blog I think it is time for me! ~Kathy
Great post, as usual! I agree with you about conformity, though I’d add another basic cause of it: we learn everything by imitating other people. So of course we imitate their opinions and behaviors, even as we get older. But as you say, mostly we just like to belong with other people. Even “outsider” people mark themselves as a tribe (piercings, colorful hair, tattoos, etc.).
I LOVED your obit for yourself! I’d be happy with that obit, too….
Hi Nancy! Yes I agree imitation is a big part of how we develop our cultural persona. And it does serve us until we figure out what we REALLY think and who we REALLY are. I was talking with friends recently (by zoom of course!) and explained how I was raised in a family of Republicans and I completely agreed that was the way to go–in fact I even voted for Nixon in my first election (blush, blush, blush!) But when I grew up I began looking around, paying attention and asking myself, “What the….?” And if we do, I think we can start making choices from our true nature and not just that imitation. So yes, thanks for pointing out how very closely aligned imitation is with conformity. Both need to be questioned. And feel free to borrow my obit any time 🙂 ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, Courage is hard when you want to be a follower or want to be part of a certain community. Community is where find relationships that sustain us. When we find ourselves in conflict within the community we may question whether we should express our opinion. Holding back causes conflict in our psyche. I think there is space to differ and maintain respect. You do this well. I enjoyed this article.
Hi Jeannine! I agree. And it’s even hard when you like to think of yourself as being strong and fairly courageous. But I am humbled by the many, many people who have stood against injustice with everything to lose and not given up. That gives me hope. And I’ve been listening to Martha Beck recently on interviews and podcasts and she is very convincing to me that even though it may appear that we are losing a lot when we go against the tribe and are rejected, what you find on the other side are people who are your REAL tribe…and they accept you and appreciate you for who you really are. I hope to write about that in the future but for now I’m just part of the experiment hahahaha. Thanks for your encouragement. ~Kathy
Very relevant post, and lots of interesting points. I will only add two: It was Bella Abzug who said almost 50 years ago: “A woman’s place is in the house — the House of Representatives.” So not everyone has been encouraging white women to stay out of politics. And it was author Jonah Berger who nailed conformity as it affects all of us: “When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate one another.”
Hi Tom! Thank you SO much for adding that bit about Bella and so very true. There have been many women who worked tirelessly to help get us to where we are now and that’s why it is so VERY important to we get involved and not slide backwards. I’ve been watching Mrs. America on Hulu lately (not done with the 1st Season) and appreciate seeing how women struggled to gain acceptance even within our own sex. And especially true when what you said about Bella as encouraging “white” women to get into politics. Unfortunately there hasn’t always been support of women of color to the same degree. It’s been a much harder road for them but hopefully things are changing for them too. And yeah but what did Emerson said about imitation? “There is a time in every man’s education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better, for worse, as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried.” I can only assume he included women in that idea. Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
This post and others like is not why I subscribed to this blog. How do unsubscribe? Most sites have a link included to easily do that.
Hi Janet. The way to unsubscribe is on the email for this post you were sent. The link is at the very bottom. I wish you the best on your life journey. ~Kathy
Another thought proving message….thank you for sharing because I also wonder if my fellow citizens aren’t seeing what I can clearly see as poor leadership and God help us all if re-elected!
Hi Rita! As I hope I said in the post I am hoping that more and more of us are awake and willing to vote from our values and from verifiable facts. I am also hoping that there are far, far more of us than we even imagine. Thanks for checking in here. ~Kathy
Far too many of us are followers (sheeple, as it were), unfortunately. And this is encouraged if not rewarded. Most organizations one can think of discourage free thinking and the challenging of the status quo. We’re supposed to go along to get along. If an idea (hypothesis, ideology, supposition etc.) can’t withstand challenges, it probably isn’t a good one to begin with. I could go on (and on) but your post captured everything beautifully, Kathy.
Deb
Hi Deb! Yeah, I know it is really nice to “pretend” that things in our country and the world are just “fine” and don’t need us to participate. Unfortunately I was like that when I was younger….just so wrapped up in my own life, friends and family that even when I didn’t agree with issues like inequality, racism, violence etc., I never spoke up against them or got involved. I guess it is time for me to make up for lost time! If 2020 hasn’t been good for anything else, it has definitely been good for that in my life. Thanks for your support Deb. ~Kathy
But of course we subscribe to our group. However, I do hope if Trump were a Democrat, I would be as concerned by his racist, anti-scientific, dangerous behavior, and vote against him….if he were your own child and such a bully, you would be very upset, and want to nip this in the bud.
Hi Adrienne! Good point. I completely agree that if we are staying conscious and not blindly follow with conformity we should all vote for the person we truly believe will be best for our country. I’m actually not a big fan of political “parties” and am registered as a “decline to state” because I want the option to ALWAYS VOTE FOR THE BEST person. I also tend to believe that partisanship is a big part of our political problems in the U.S. But I’ll leave that topic for another post. 😉 Thanks so much for joining the conversation. ~Kathy
Really liked this article/ thanks Kathy. Forwarded it to my daughters and Malcolm
Hi Deborah! Thank you so much. May we all learn to speak up and out from awareness as life goes on! ~Kathy
I really like your posts – very thought provoking, but again you are a bit passive aggressive with politics. Stating that many vote for the existing President because of conformity is a purely subjective statement with no hard facts. How do you know these people really don’t think he is doing a good job? While they may not like him as a human being, his policies are in place to protect our freedoms and our country, and believe it or not, he has done some good things in spite of. Have you personally questioned all the people you are referring to? I would bet that most don’t like him but feel he is the lesser of two evils, and therefore will vote for him. I don’t think voting for him has anything to do with conformity or wanting to be accepted, because in today’s world, if one makes it known they are a supporter of his, they are subjected to verbal and physical harassment when minding their own business.
Hi Lisa! Thank you for your views on this post. Like I said, I surely don’t expect everyone to agree with me. But I find it so interesting to hear you call me “passive aggressive” with this post because I actually believe it to be quite aggressive. While I’m not telling anyone how to vote–if my readers haven’t figured out by now that I believe in human rights, racial justice, income equality, a sustainable planet and more, then I guess I haven’t been as honest as I hope to be. However, with that said, primary goal with this post was to ask each of us to question our own thoughts about everything–including politics. And as far as my reference to why so many women said they didn’t think he was doing a good job, I referenced an article from the Atlantic Magazine. If you care to read it, here is the link https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2020/10/why-people-who-hate-trump-stick-him/616758/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=atlantic-daily-newsletter&utm_content=20201019&silverid-ref=NjYxMjQ0NTE3NDgyS0 If you take the time to read it you will see why I stated what I did. And if it makes you feel any better, those of us on the more liberal side are also “subjected to verbal and physical harassment when minding their own business” too. As I have said in a previous post, I think we will all benefit if we can learn to “Do no harm but take no shit.” (https://www.smartliving365.com/do-no-harm-but-take-no-shit) Thank you for offering a different point of view in a non-abusive way. ~Kathy
If anyone thinks that Womens’ Rights aren’t 100% political control, they live on another planet. And sadly, women are losing ground with 45 at the helm. (I’m going to get your husbands back to work. Seriously?????? is this 1920?) No one can convince me this is not political.
Never have I ever considered you to speak Politics!
Thank you for this discussion. Great post today!
Hi Elle! Thank you for the encouragement. But I’m just learning how sometimes my own silence and tendencies have helped to create the problem. This last year or two I have participated more in politics that my previous 64 because I am becoming more and more aware that my silence and my white privilege has helped to contribute to the continued white, capitalistic patriarchy. While my heart will always be attracted to a positive approach to life, how can it be positive and inspiring when we ignore the abuse that has ramped up in the last few years? I can’t help to believe that as more of us become less afraid to look issues in the eye and speak out when we see something harmful and detrimental to other humans that we women can indeed help to bring about a better world. ~Kathy
I agree that we cannot ignore the abuse and tolerate the capitalistic patriarchy that has become so deeply rooted in lies and cheating and manipulated tax reductions to stay in this country while the majority of us carry the tax burden in this country. This is no longer the country of my Dad’s entrepreneurial venture.
I never had children but I will fight for all the next generations in my family so they might get a fair shot at life. It looks like I might die trying…..so be it.
Thank you for bringing your voice to these critical issues.
Hi Elle. So true. I don’t have kids either but as you said, “but I will fight for all the next generations in my family so they might get a fair shot at life.” I have been given so very much I can’t help but want to see that others get the same. ~Kathy
Your analogy about conforming and being in prison, really struck me, because I was a volunteer in prison ministry for 25yrs. One of the things we were taught, was how hard it was for those who had been in prison for a long time, to free themselves from the mentality of being inside for so long. Some become so institutionalized, that they never find themselves again. It’s tragic, and a warning to all of us, to assess our hearts and minds from time to time, to see our surroundings and where we house our souls.
Hi Frances! Thanks for providing a personal as well poignant example of how we become conditioned without even recognizing much of the time. It takes courage and a desire to step out and away from that type of conditioning so I can only imagine who those in the prison system walk away without that hanging heavy in their consciousness. I think many of us in the U.S. and I’m guessing many of the white women in the U.S. have been encouraged to stay out of politics or any subject related to power for so long that we find it uncomfortable and better left to those that “know so much more than us.” I would like to believe that young women today are waking and realizing that but if the media is any example, it’s a lot of the same. Still, I am hopeful that young people are truly evaluating and staying awake to the choices they are facing these days. I’m definitely not a person who likes to slide back in time! Thanks again for your comment. ~Kathy