Several weeks ago Thom came across a quote by author and speaker Eckhart Tolle that said, “Non-resistance, non-judgment, and non-attachment are the three aspects of true freedom and enlightened living.” Since then, we’ve been toying with that idea to see if it’s true or even possible. And as life would have it, personal experiences offer plenty of examples to test the theory. Is it possible that at the core of it all is the desire to control the uncontrollable?
The first test of the theory came a few days before leaving town on vacation when a piece of my back molar broke off. With nothing but a jagged edge where the tooth used to be, the good news was that it wasn’t painful, only problematic. Did I need to see a dentist right away? Was it going to start hurting soon? How will this affect my vacation? Whenever any of us is confronted with an issue, it’s normal for our minds to flood with questions and concerns. Did I wish it hadn’t happened? Of course. But it did, and now I had at least two ways to view it: #1 Complain, fuss or worry about the situation; or #2 Deal with it.
With Eckhart Tolle’s advice clearly on my mind I seized the opportunity to see whether non-judgment, non-resistance and non-attachment could lead to freedom and even enlightened living. Guess what? He’s right. By choosing to view the experience with my tooth through that lens, I immediately let go of trying to control or change the situation that was happening. I also refused to pretend that it hadn’t happened, or that I was attached to getting it fixed one way or another. By letting go of any perceived outcome, I accepted the situation and then happened to serendipitously find a dentist on vacation that turned out to be one of the best I’ve ever had—and at a good price. That led to peace and maybe even a bit of enlightened living.
But is it always so easy? At the same time one of my close family members is going through a life-threatening health challenge. So here I am, still on vacation and unable to help in any practical and realistic way, even though a big part of me thinks I should be doing more. Not only am I not able to be of much help, I’m concerned that others who are even closer than I am are not doing their part—or at least their part they way I think they should. Does Eckhart Tolle’s advice still apply?
Of course it is good to explain exactly what is meant by non-resistance, non-judgment and non-attachment to achieve the full benefit of the advice. To begin with it is an awareness that fighting the reality of any situation is not only pointless, but actually makes matters worse. As author Byron Katie says in her book Loving What Is, “I am a lover of what is, not because I’m a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality.” But most of us do it all the time, don’t we? Until we can let go of fighting against or resisting the circumstances around us, we will always “lose,” because we are mentally trying to control something or someone beyond our control.
However, this does not mean that we should blindly accept whatever is happening or become a doormat to the situation. Quite the contrary. Instead of fighting what is happening, we instead consciously flow with the experience and are better able to address it in a proactive way. We are also better able to let go of any mental and emotional attachment that is creating a vicious feedback loop in our mind that frequently takes us into the future or the past where it’s impossible to do anything to help. When we are able to practice non-resistance, non-judgment and non-attachment, we become fully present and conscious in the moment.
We also then have the ability to choose to let go of any idea that what is happening is disturbing or even a problem to begin with. In some ways, the answer lies in the statement I made in my post about our universal need to “be right,” when I said, “I know much of that feeling is really an attempt to feel safe, in control, and win approval from others.” A similar issue popped up when I wrote about whether life is fair or not and said, “Only when I struggle to find myself, doubt my own worth, or feel Life is broken, do I need to control others and make Life Itself match my expectations.”
So how does this all apply on a very personal and practical level? First, there is nothing I can do to change the situation that my family member is experiencing. I also can’t control, fix or change how other family members are handling the situation. A big step was recognizing my desire for them to be different and refuse to let that obsess in my mind. In some ways it was valuable to realize that most of my judgments against them was a mask for my own guilt about not doing more. Next, my best option is to remember to embrace non-resistance about the circumstance, non-judgment about how treatment is going, and non-attachment to the outcome. While there continues to be certain actions I can take to support my loved-one, her life is her life to live, just as mine is mine to live.
I’m not implying this is an easy thing to do. We are all very conditioned to resist, try to fix or fight things we don’t like—and control others who are doing what we think they should or should not be doing. But as Eckhart Tolle said, “Being detached does not mean that you cannot enjoy the good that the world has to offer. In fact, you enjoy it more. Once you see and accept the transience of all things and the inevitability of change, you can enjoy the pleasures of the world while they last without fear of loss or anxiety about the future.”
I don’t have any final answers for non-resistance, non-judgment and non-attachment and perhaps that is the way it should be. But it seems that the more I continue to play with and explore the ideas, while attempting to incorporate them in my life, they seem to open up a space where I feel more free and at ease no matter what is happening to me or others. In fact, those three pieces of advice might be keys to both a SMART and a happy life.
Kathy, this was very timely that I read this article today. I have had challenges pop up in my life recently. I can’t change them I can only live through them. Instead of focusing on the things I wanted to be doing, I decided to do different things and know everything will work out in the end. I have to say when the situation first started I was focused only on the constraints this caused and wasn’t in a good mood to say the least. Once I let go I found that while I wish things were different, I’m still productive and my mood has improved greatly.
Hi Lois! Darn! Sorry to hear you’ve been challenged lately as well. Of course I’ll bet every single human on the planet has stuff going on now and then. I’m glad to hear that you’ve been able to practice some of Ekhart’s advice and improve your mood. May the details now take care of themselves right? ~Kathy
This is so timely for me as my mother is once again in hospital. Even if I was capable of following this mantra, my family is such a huge obstacle. Their resistance to what I see is inevitable, she’s 85 with major heart problems, is quite flabbergasting and has increased everyone’s stress levels. Your post has given me the power to try harder to try to adhere to Tolle’s advice. Maybe an example is what everyone needs right now.
Hi Elena! Oh, sorry to hear about your mom. The closer the person who is having the challenges the more challenging it is for us to surrender to the process. All I can say is that during the last two weeks the ideas of non judgment, non resistance and non attachment have gotten me through several experiences that in the past would have really messed me up! I hope they work for you too. And thank you, as always, for your comment and the ongoing support you offer all of us bloggers. ~Kathy
Another good article Kathy and “true-ism” I have been trying to stop the past awfulizing and just move forward. We both have family members with serious health challenges. As you wrote: “fighting the reality of any situation is not only pointless, but actually makes matters worse. As author Byron Katie says in her book Loving What Is, “I am a lover of what is, not because I’m a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality.” Thanks for the links to your previous articles.
Hi Gary! Yes….we both do have family members with challenges going on and doesn’t that help to remind us that there is little point trying to “control” the situation when it is clearly not even ours to control? Plus I think it helps to remind me that most of my problems–like my teeth or my recent website issues–are really a “high class problem!” in comparison. You’re welcome about the links and thank you as always for the comment. ~Kathy
Control the controllable is something I remind myself when a plane is delayed, the traffic is backed up the weather is poor, etc., out of my control but if my attitude sours because of these things, that I can control.
I did miss your post directly in my email Kathy.
Hi Haralee! Thanks for making the comment because I know some of my others were blocked. I think I at least got that part fixed 🙂 With my email notification I’m still not sure and am thinking about going with a service like Mail Chimp. Who do you use?
But as you say, our attitude is one of the things we can ALWAYS control and I’m also reminded of much worse circumstances than what I’m going through with my blog. Address what you can and let the rest of it go, right? ~Kathy
I often go with the flow. Don’t stress for what will come because it will come anyway. I just pray to have faith and courage to face it. There is no need to control, demand or push things happen.
Hi Vanessa! Welcome to SMART Living and thank you for your encouragement. Good for you for knowing that it doesn’t do us any good to fight with the “isness” of life. While I also “know” that, I’m still a work in progress. ~Kathy
Good old Eckhart Tolle – I wrote a post on one of his other thoughts last week! I think he has a lot to offer as far as reminding us about letting go of what we can’t control and just focusing on the present and getting on with things. I have a long way to go before I can just “float on” but there is a lot to be said for not getting caught up in all the brain churn that we subject ourselves to. ~ Leanne
Hi Leanne! Doesn’t he offer so much guidance? We could both probably write posts about his work every day for over a year and only scratch the surface. Of course the challenge for me is putting it into practice!!! With my emails from the blog being all wonky this week it was actually quite hilarious that I had just written about non-attachment and non-resistance because it showed me how much work I had still to do on this issue. Thanks for your support! Good luck to us both with learning to “float on!” ~Kathy
My husband is majorly upset with a chunk of money our church is spending for renovations we don’t think are needed. Big meeting this Sunday! My advice to him is to chill. If he refuses, my advice to myself is to chill about Cliff’s non-chilling and the scene he may play out.
Thanks for getting me thinking!
Hi Barbara! One of the most challenging things to let go of is the actions of those we live with! Much as we want to “help” them it only happens when they are good and ready. Of course, the same is true when they want/believe that they know best for us too, right? I’m not perfect at it but I have to admit I’m getting better and better as time goes by. No matter how close we are, or how much we love others, we are the only ones we change or control. And you’re welcome about the “thinking” — that is one of my major intentions for this blog! ~Kathy
That is right where I am! Trying to chill and let hubby live his own way (at least largely his own way!) Tough stuff.