This last week I came down with the worst cold ever. Don’t worry, this post isn’t about that or what I did to get over it. Instead, once the fog began to clear I started to beat myself up for laying around for over a week and for my lack of any productivity. Rather than practice what I now understand to be self-compassion, I jumped into criticizing myself for too many naps, too much television, and not one bit of exercise. I even berated myself for getting sick in the first place. Now maybe I’m the only one who ever does this, but ever since then I’ve been exploring how and why I tied my personal value (not to mention my health) to such an absurd goal. What I’ve since discovered is that all too often our sense of self-esteem is a big part of the problem.
Self-esteem? Yes, it came as a big surprise to me that self-esteem, in the way that we normally think of self-esteem, is thought to be a cause of some of the psychological issues facing many in the world today. If you are like me, you may remember back in the 1980-90s when raising personal self-esteem became nearly essential for individual wellbeing. Every mother began telling their child how special, attractive and unique they were from the moment they were born. Schools encouraged all students to grow a strong sense of self-esteem with exercises and affirmations designed to empower them to get better grades, reduce depression, and reach their full potential. Criticism was downplayed, while abundant praise was heaped—deserving or not. Even businesses offered seminars to increase the self-esteem of their employees with hopes of increasing productivity, job satisfaction and just about every ill that a company faces. Ever notice we don’t hear much about that push these days?
That’s because it didn’t work. According to Kristin Neff, Professor of Human Development at the University of Austin and author of Self Compassion: The Proven Power Of Being Kind to Yourself, rather than live up to the promise of happier and more successful children and adults, focusing on self-esteem created a new set of problems. Neff says her research shows that the concentration on growing self-esteem created an entire generation of people who believe they are unique, special and above average. They now expect their entire lives to be nothing more than a continuation of the same.
So it’s no surprise that after 30 years of tracking self-awareness on college campuses, research demonstrates that students are at an all-time high for narcissistic behavior. Even more troubling is a similar increase in bullying. When students are taught that they are special, unique and far above average and then don’t feel that way ( and after all, who could feel that way 100% of the time anyway!) they are deeply unhappy and often take it out on others. Sadly, the more a person believes that they are naturally special and above average, they are sometimes driven to put others down in order to constantly feed that need to feel better than anyone else. Plus, rather than applying themselves towards an obstacle, these “high self-esteemers” often pull back and don’t even try as opposed to risking failure and exposing how ordinary they are. Or, as Neff also asserts, they get angry and blame others for anything that potentially makes them feel bad about themselves.
So, instead of creating strong, resilient and honest self-awareness in our children, many were raised expecting to do it all and have it all. Unfortunately, not only does research now show that the plan was speculative to begin with, there is now plenty of evidence proving artificially building self-esteem doesn’t really work. Is it any wonder that depression is at an all-time high and narcissism dominates social media?
But lest you think all my thoughts during this last week was spent trying to figure out my faulty self-esteem so I could feel better, you’d be wrong. In fact, I actually discovered a new term called the “contingencies of self-worth” that also helped me understand my error of linking my lack of productivity to my personal value. What I discovered is that much of the problem comes from what we connect our self-esteem/self-worth to in the first place. Tying it to what I “do” rather than who I “am” is a big part of the problem. And yes, it often comes down to that age-old issue of whether we link our personal value to something inherent, or something external. If you, or I, believe we are nothing more than our busy, productive selves, then when we don’t do something (by choice or necessity) our value plummets. That’s what makes it a contingency.
But perhaps even more relevant to these ideas, I also began reading another book (at least attempting to be productive) for an upcoming book club. The book, written by a very successful blogger, author, public speaker, business owner and mother of four children (!!!) ended up making me feel absolutely exhausted just reading her book. Of course, her primary message was that we, too could be like her, do it all and live the life of our dreams. After all, don’t we deserve it? Yet, while her words were encouraging and filled with self-esteem boosters, it led me to question why we are all so hung up on thinking we can do it all—and why on earth do we want to?
Fortunately, I found the most soothing answer to come from the work of Kristen Neff in her promotion of the idea of self-compassion. A big part of her advice is that self-compassion contains three core components. They are: “self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness of suffering.” They remind me that: No, I’m not any more special than anyone else. Yes, I sometimes doubt myself, I sometimes get sick, I occasionally say things that aren’t the most kind, and sometimes I just lay around all week like a slug because I don’t feel like doing anything else.
Of course, Self-Compassion goes beyond not feeling better than anyone else—in fact, it takes the focus off our own constant self-evaluations and comparisons. Rather than constantly judging and evaluating whether we are as attractive, as smart, as productive, make as much money, or are as “good” as others—we just admit we’re human—all dealing with the same stuff. Sometimes we thrive—sometimes we suffer. From there we can then start being more honest with ourselves about what we do well and where we can improve—without trying to hide the real us from everyone else. Neff says, “Research indicates that in comparison to self-esteem, self-compassion is associated with greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, more caring relationship behavior, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger.”
I accept that when I accomplish something I think is important, it makes me feel good. But it is equally important for us all to remember that we don’t need to “do” things to have inherent value. Surely doing my best to be a kind, caring and authentic person is enough? Have doubts? Consider for a moment that if our value was only measured by our production, then we would be little more than mechanical robots living in some form of dystopian nightmare. Instead, like all living things, we have value merely for being alive.
We might also be tempted to believe we would be nothing more than slothful do-nothings if we didn’t drive ourselves to be “more” including more productive. But again, the kind of world that reduces human beings to needing such negative motivation in order to create beauty or contribute meaningfully to the world at large, is a bleak and pessimistic view of life.
I’m not sure whether self-compassion is the answer to solving all the world’s problems. But this last week I took the time to stop judging myself, comparing myself to others, and just rested in the idea that I was a human that caught a bad cold and needed the time and space to heal. Maybe next time you too find yourself pushing to be productive and/or beating yourself for not living up to an impossible ideal, you instead attempt to remember it is SMART to let that go, and just be self-compassionate.
Okay, your turn. Do you remember the big push a few decades ago where building self-esteem was so important? Were you as surprised as I was to hear that it not only didn’t really help, but actually led to other problems? What about self-compassion? I would love to hear your thoughts on these questions or anything else that comes to mind in the comments below.
Defiantly need to think on these things. Somedays I am old – tired – brain fried – and if I add all that condemnation for non-productiveness on top of THAT… depression – what else!?
Appreciate you site and your wise introspective thoughts.
Hi Nancy! I agree that when we aren’t feeling our best or guilty about not getting much time it is natural to slide into depression. I think we all do, to greater or lesser degrees. That’s why I find it so valuable to remember to practice, “self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness of suffering.” And while I try to do my best when possible, I’m just like most people. What’s the saying, “I think we are all just helping each other home.” Thanks for checking in here. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy. Pushing myself to be productive all the time, every moment, with everything I do certainly is a pressure I have put on myself routinely. Since retiring, I have tried really hard to let go that mindset. Fortunately, I have a great role model in Rob!
Jude
This post made me reflect on how I perceive myself worth. It’s true that lots of us connect how we perceive ourselves to what we are doing rather than who we truly are. As a college student I am constantly trying to keep up with school work and sometimes it even feels like a competition. Taking time or getting sick sometimes makes me feel weak in a way, but it shouldn’t be. Personally I’ve made it my goal for this year to practice self care more often, taking time to recover should not be a reason to punish or put oneself down. Very relatable post!
Hi Marlenn! Thanks for your thoughts on this…AND thanks for letting me know it got you thinking about your self worth. While I try to avoid telling anyone what they should do, I really enjoy getting people to think about what they do. And good for you for recognizing how easy it is to compare and even compete with those around us. And good for you for taking the time to take care of yourself too. ~Kathy
Hello Kathy,
I vaguely remember reading that self-esteem was no help to people. I think that it is definitely something that is still being used at home. I work with kids and I can see that they feel entitled to so much because of their self-esteem being fed to believe that they are greater. I would have to sat that self-compassion should be embraced. It is almost like giving yourself self-love. I think it is definitely a must because like you say, we work so hard and put so much in our plate that we overwhelm ourselves. Just like how we work we have to listen to our bodies when it is time to pamper ourselves, whether it is with a nice bubble bath, spa day, or just “lazy days.” I know that I usually beat myself up for being sick and not having the energy to do anything because I feel like I fall behind in so much, but that is what being overwhelmed brings.
Hi Yasmin. Thanks for sharing some of your own personal observations on this. While I obviously believe that we should all recognize our inherent worth, I also realize that you can’t force someone (ourselves included) to believe anything we don’t believe is true. And I think kids know that too right? That’s why it can be so confusing. Plus, as you say, we also need the time to take care of ourselves. And isn’t it sort of crazy that we tell ourselves (and sometimes each other) that we should never be sick or need help? I’m hoping my reminder helps you and others (AND myself) remember to take the time we need to be good to ourselves.~athy
An interesting but very relatable post regarding self-love. In our fast paced world, a day in bed seems to set us back more than it actually does. However, rest is the only remedy to recover from colds so we have to adhere to not only “Doctor’s Orders” but the needs of our body. Embracing the concept of going easy on yourself and allowing your body to recover should not be a reason to punish yourself after recovery.
Hi Marlene! So very true. Taking care of our health and wellbeing should always be a priority, right? Of course a reminder every now and then might be a good idea. Thanks for your comment. ~Kathy
Great thought provoking post Kathy! I am not surprised because I have been a guest lecturer with young entrepreneurs at a Community College for the last 7 years and to me they really suffer with life. Told always they are exceptional, reality is very different and they don’t want to hear it or have the tools to cope with it. Self Compassion is a whole different ball of wax for me. When I was feeling very ill with cancer treatments I had people tell me to get out more, to exercise more, to not set limits on myself. I had to take stock, self compassion, and do what I wanted, not what these were well meaning people who had never gone through what I was going through thought I should be doing!
Hi Haralee! Yes I think we need to be compassionate with those younger than us who struggle without any tools to help them go forward. But then, like with all of us, we have to be ready to “hear” a different message if we are ever going to change or learn from the experience. And thanks for sharing some of your personal reactions when going through cancer treatment. I’m sure most people mean well but that doesn’t mean they can’t be incredibly insensitive. Fortunately you seemed to be confident enough in yourself to not pay them any attention and to take of yourself in ways you knew were beneficial. That’s something I and many of us are working on. ~Kathy
This post made me realize how much of my self-worth is tied to what I do. I sometimes have a driving need to achieve. I know I put it on myself. I’ve struggled with why I do this to myself- why I struggle to just slow down and do nothing or take a day to relax and not feel guilty or just enjoy watching some movies. All of those things make me feel guilty- yes, even when I am sick! It never occurred to me that my self-worth is so tied to what I do rather than what I am. This is great food for thought!
Hi Michele. It’s crazy how we do this huh? I’m sure you’re like me and know better, but it is so easy to get caught up with it. When I started examining some of the things I used to evaluate my worth I was sort of shocked. I KNOW better but I still managed to somehow connect those “qualities” I admire in a person to how I was comparing in myself. And I think that’s one of the biggest issues. I have always felt fairly confident in my intelligence but when I read how intelligence as a “contingency of self-worth” can end up being a liability, it really made me stop and think about how I judge that in myself and others. One of the biggest problems with that, using intelligence as an issue, is that we don’t always put ourselves in a position that will challenge that–in other words, we don’t want to “bust” our vision of ourselves so we often don’t challenge ourselves so we can disappoint ourselves. Does that make sense? And if your self-worth is all tied up in how beautiful you are, guess what? again, we set ourselves up to how no, or diminished worth, when we get older and lose that glow of youth. it’s a huge topic and obviously I could go on for hours. Glad it got you thinking though. Thanks for sharing your ideas… ~Kathy
Kathy, This reminded me of the math joke “75% of people believe they are above average.” And our culture that glorifies busy-ness. If you are not busy, then you are a lazy sloth….and isn’t that a mortal sin. Even now, many retirees will talk about how busy they are!
I found it very interesting about tying self-worth to what you do, versus who you are. Yup, working to not do that anymore! I am trying to appreciate the downtime that happens, balancing the do-nothing days (reading on the couch all day!) with the out & about days. I’m definitely trying to be less critical and judgmental … of others AND myself! If that is self-compasion, then that is what I’m working on.
Hi Pat! Unfortunately it isn’t really a “joke” in some cases. It’s called “illusory superiority.” Research shows that 93% of all American drivers think they are better than average and 65% of American’s think they are more intelligent than the average person. Obviously we can’t ALL be better than average even though it feels good to think that way. And yes, I so agree that we’ve “made-up” this idea that lazy people are just bad and busy people are good. Thankfully like you, I’m learning there is a big difference and hoping to make that part of my life. Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
My first year of retirement was all about replacing one form of busy with another, one form of achievement with another. But deciding we’re only as good as what we accomplish is a long slow walk to nowhere. Now in my second year of retirement, I’m exploring creative pursuits and learning to enjoy the art of living without an agenda.
Hi Donna! After a big change like going from working full time to retirement takes some adjustment for sure. And it’s got to feel strange not to have a full schedule even when you’re looking forward to it. Good for you for recognizing relatively soon that you could slow down and start only focusing on those things that enhanced your life rather than following through with “shouds”. Thanks for sharing your experience. ~Kathy
In the words of Elizabeth Withey in a newspaper article from 2006 – “Consider de-busifying – Sorry, I can’t make it. I’m not busy.” It seems that “busy” and “self-esteem” are so subjective. I like to think that I’m in control of my time and can choose the level of busy that works for me. What’s busy for one may not be busy for another. I think self-esteem is internally motivated for the most part. External praise and accomplishments don’t always result in heightened self-esteem in the person who feels unworthy or inauthentic. I’m reminded of Maya Angelou who said that a child gets a sense of him/herself by the look on the adult’s face when the child walks in the room. Does that adult’s face light up? Or is the expression a scowl? I’m a big fan of being my own best friend not in an egocentric way. I think self-care is born from self-compassion. When I’m in touch with my own needs and emotions, I can be a better human towards others.
Hi Mona! I completely agree that being busy, productive and having (or not having) self-esteem is pretty subject. I think a key might be, as you mention, feeling that you are in control of your time and not letting that determine your value or self-worth. Hopefully we all make self-esteem internal but my research shows that isn’t always the case. That’s why I found it so fascinating that William James (considered the father of American Psychology) came up with the “contingencies of self-esteem” back in the 1890s! He explained, at least the way I understand it, is that far too often a person’s self esteem (self worth) is very closely tied to how successful, attractive, intelligent, religious, etc….and all those factors are external variables that always shift during a person’s lifetime. They are obviously contingencies any time we tie our value as human beings with such variables. We see the downside of this constantly–a person who was once successful can’t handle loosing his titles. A woman who was overly attractive in her youth goes through surgery after surgery attempting to “maintain” that fleeting image. Hopefully by the time we get to our age we realize that those variables are external–but I don’t think we al have. But I DO completely agree that children and jsut about all of us know when someone loves and appreciates us we can see it written on their faces. No words are necessary. ~Kathy
While I did see a bunch of young people coming into the workforce with high expectations of their abilities and shock when they were not seen that way by others, luckily it wasn’t most. Most of the new employees coming into work were happy to have a job that paid so well during a time when the economy was tanking. I actually had a harder time with new employees and their attitudes back in the ’90s — the ones who went to school in the late ’60s, ’70s and early ’80s. They may have missed out on the self-esteem building, but they had no problem bringing their “high school” attitudes, jealousies, and cliches into the workforce. That was harder to manage because their attitude and petty games would affect a group of people. With our self-esteemers, I was just dealing one on one with someone who needed a hard dose of reality.
Hi Jennifer! Thanks for your personal experience in this area. I don’t doubt for a second that different areas of the country (not to mention the world) and different occupations would have a different view of “self-esteem building” and how that plays out in each of us. I’m glad to hear that your experience was mostly a positive one. And yes, every generation has issues, right? I just found it fascinating to learn that the there is now lots of research showing that it wasn’t the panacea that so many hoped for when it was a “craze.” For example, here’s an interesting article I read that points out some of the problems with the “movement.” https://www.thecut.com/2017/05/self-esteem-grit-do-they-really-help.html One thing I got from this article and others I read about it is that there is never one tiny simple solution to creating happier and healthier people (or employees!) much as we would all like to believe. ~Kathy
Like Deb, I’ve reached a point in my life when I readily give myself permission to have as much down time as I wish. My big indulgence is reading—and when I come across a book I enjoy, it’s not unusual for me to read continuously, without regard for anything (well, maybe meals, and being with Bob) else, until I am finished! I don’t go ‘off the rails’ like this very often, but when I do, it feels great, and I return to my ‘doing’ with more energy and vigor! Thanks for this interesting article, Kathy!
Hi Diane! Good for you for gifting yourself with something that brings you so much pleasure. In so many ways I think that self-esteem comes down to recognizing who we are and then choosing those things that feel most fulfilling to us–regardless of what others are thinking. That reminds me of the research I’ve read about service work. Yes, service work, volunteering and helping others can be tremendously rewarding–as long as the desire to do it comes from within–NOT someone else telling us it is something we “should” do or hoping to look good to others. In fact, when the motivation to do good for others comes from one of those other places, it is actually harmful to our own wellbeing. Like so many things that catches my interest, so much of this, including self-esteem, comes from growing our self-awareness and acting from there. Thanks for your comment! ~Kathy
We saw the negative result of pushing self-esteem in the business world. Many younger employees couldn’t understand why we weren’t falling all over ourselves implementing their “brilliant” ideas… and why they had to start at the bottom and work up. I think self-compassion, and compassion for others, allows us to have a more realistic view of ourselves and others. Although being productive/creative/useful is good, we can’t always be that. We need to give ourselves a break.
Hi Janis! Yes my research sure helped to explain (at least in my mind) why the younger generations are struggling with some of the work ethic that we have. Obviously there is plenty that can be improved on but I think many of us were raised to put our “nose to the grindstone” and stay busy at all costs. Obviously that has some downsides to it! But believing that we are special just by virtue of our birth is also headed toward disaster. And while I was somewhat familiar with the idea of “self-care,” I found the idea of self-compassion even better in regards to my situation this week. I think I read somewhere that self-care is pretty much just focusing on ourselves, while self-compassion ties us to how we are all connected and more equal. To me, self-care implies a sort of self-indulgence while self-compassion implies a kind and open-hearted approach to everything that is happening. Sure creativity is good, but never if it becomes a task-master rather than a friend. Thanks for your comment. ~Kathy
It was funny to read this, Kathy, as I had just spent a week of down time on the sofa nursing a head cold myself! And of course, all I could think about were “I’m missing out on my steps for my Fitbit,” or “I need to go do xyz…” That compassion we must have for ourselves is important especially as we age, since we do not bounce back from injury or even minor illness like we used to. I just presented to my Management class this week about the 4 Generations and how doting Boomer parents raised those special Millennials with trophies for participating and all the self- esteem boosters you describe. One of my quotes is “They were told to reach for the stars and not take no for an answer.” Guess what? All of us miss the stars sometimes and are told no! We should have taught them how to cope! I am a little guilty of this thinking as a parent of daughters I raised in the late 80s and into the 90s. I guess every generation inflicts a little damage on the next, but we learn as we go. I am still trying to quite “proving” my productivity every day–it’s hard not to!
Hi Terri! Oh so sorry to hear about your cold too. It’s sucks not feeling good. But beating ourselves up for not doing all the “other” things in our lives we want to do surely makes it worse. I kept thinking to myself, if a dear friend was going through this would I tell her to get up and get moving. No I wouldn’t. I’d say, rest and take as long as you need to heal. All that stuff will be there when you feel up to it. I also think, especially when it comes to getting sick, I am especially impatient and want it to be over. It is taking much longer than I think it should but fighting it only makes me (and it!) feel worse, don’t you think. Another interesting thing that I learned in my research is that even though American’s have become almost obsessed with “productivity” and being busy, they aren’t really as productive as other countries in the world. Those countries with longer vacations and shorter work weeks actually manage to get more “good” work done in a shorter amount of time. I think we tend to fool ourselves into believing that if we are exhausted at the end of the day we surely managed to do something important? Let’s try to do better in the days to come huh? ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
Believe me, as an educator for almost 30 years, I can tell you “boosting” self esteem for self-esteem’s sake does not work! And guess what, kids can see through it too. My husband (also a teacher) calls it “Blowing Sunshine…”. If it’s not authentic, the kids know it.
We get a sense of self-worth from our own accomplishments and learn through failures and re-tries and redirections.
But a side-effect of that is the feeling by many of us (myself included) that we need to be busy ALL THE TIME…that rest and relaxation and just “doin’ nothin'” is wasteful.
Not so! We all need down time to recharge.
Hi Nancy! Thanks so much for confirming the truth about how self-esteem boosting has backfired. I’ll admit it was a surprise to me because as a big fan of positive thinking I sort of assumed (along with a lot of other people) that it had to be helpful. And to find out that it can be harmful is sad. Of course, from what I read it is still good to positively reinforce good things in each other—but like your husband would say, “blowing sunshine” is not only fake, others can sense it too. If someone is struggling and wants help, it is great to help them…but just giving them a few positive affirmations isn’t going to help. And yes, once we have done our best and feel satisfied and happy with the results, let’s give each other a break and just enjoy the moment! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy
Your article was good timing for me as I transition from full-time cooperate life to early retirement.
Yes, as a manager of a department of engineers and administrative personnel, I experienced the self-esteem phenomenon. I found it very difficult to manage expectations of staff whose expectations were not in-line with the reality of the actual work needed to be performed. It lead to challenging performance discussions and difficulty motivating staff.
Now I am personally trying to balance my life. I immediately filled my cooperate time with volunteer hours and a small business. I just exchanged one type of busy for another. My husband retired 4 years ago and my perception prior to my retirement is that he was not doing enough, spending too much time doing what I thought was nothing. I think he got it right! So I am pulling back and listening to my inner voice when it tells me I should be doing something. That just leads to guilt which for me leads to depression. I am working on self-compassion. As the flight attendants tell us, “put on your mask first before helping others”.
Jamie
Hi Jamie! I can only imagine what a shock to the system it would be to come from a place of managing all those people to just managing your day! No matter how enlightened we might think we are, we still tend to identify ourselves by our work. I just never spent too much time thinking about how much the need to be “productive” felt like to me because I’ve never really been in a high powered position, but it does still effect us huh? And how interesting that you sort of judged your husband for not being as productive as he “could be” when he was just finding the right pace for himself. When it comes down to it, it’s pretty easy to judge everyone else for whether they are keeping up to our standards or going much further than we think they should. I’m doing my best just to find my own best way and let others do the same. Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
Well said, Kathy!
Preaching to the choir here. I used to feel so guilty about being what I considered “non-productive”. Today I (most days) realize that there is nothing wrong with down-time. Some of my most creative periods are the after-effects of being a “slug”.
Today I try to practice just being a human, not a super-human. It’s not easy, after a lifetime of conditioning to produce, produce, produce…but I think worth it. I am certainly happier as a result of my mind shift.
Deb
Hi Deb! Thank you so much for confirming that sometimes our downtime is just what we need to be most creative—and that you find that you are actually happier because of it. Obviously it is something I’m still working on so I appreciate your input. I found the contingencies of worth to be so very interesting because they show the how different areas are more of a trigger for some of us than others. While I think “busy” is epidemic in our culture right now, some problematic contingencies include things like whether we think we are “attractive’ enough, intelligent enough, even “spiritual” enough and when we don’t live up to that self-imposed measurement, we can make ourselves miserable. I think giving ourselves permission to just be who we are without judgement or comparison is incredibly liberating. And isn’t it time after all these years to get that? ~Kathy