Two weeks ago I was walking my dog Kloe down the street near the house we rent in the mountains every August. Gawking around and enjoying the beautiful day, my left foot slid on some gravel and twisted violently to the left. @#$&! To compensate, I jerked to the right and slammed my right knee into the pavement scraping away the skin. Double *&%#$! I sat there for a minute on the side of the road assessing the damage. Gradually I managed to get myself standing and hobble home.
It hurt—both the ankle and my knee. But what hurt more than anything were the thoughts flooding my mind at the same time. How could this happen? Thom, Kloe and I had spent the previous week scampering up the side of steep and slippery mountainsides without a bit of trouble. During the week before we had clocked in at probably 15-20 miles of mountain terrain. Health-wise I felt as good as I had in the last ten years and both of us were getting in shape for our upcoming trip to Southern Mexico in September. How could something so stupid and unnecessary happen? Right from the beginning I allowed the pain in my foot and knee to spread to my mind—that’s where it became suffering.
Okay, I get it. Stuff happens to all of us sooner or later. The longer we have been alive the more stuff we’ve experienced. But it is always so much easier to say and believe when it is happening to someone else. Try as we might, we may avoid some pain, but never all. Pain is the physical or emotional experience itself that causes distress—suffering is the story we tell ourselves about the pain.
I’ve written before about pain and tragedy on the big scale and how Buddhism offers many helpful ways to overcome that larger experience. (If interested, you can find that post HERE.) But when pain hits us personally, it’s very easy to take it in a personal way and that is a big part of the problem. As 1st Century B.C. author Pubillius Syrus reminds us, “The pain of the mind is worse than the pain of the body.”
Another way of looking at it comes from a story about two arrows in the Sallatha Sutta:
“When touched with a feeling of pain, the uninstructed run-of-the-mill person sorrows, grieves, & laments, beats his breast, becomes distraught. So he feels two pains, physical & mental. Just as if they were to shoot a man with an arrow and, right afterward, were to shoot him with another one, so that he would feel the pains of two arrows;”
Later, the Sallatha Sutta continues with:
“In the same way, when touched with a feeling of pain, the well-instructed disciple of the noble ones does not sorrow, grieve, or lament, does not beat his breast or become distraught. He feels one pain: physical, but not mental…”
I know, and so do most of you, that when we focus our thinking on our pain, our hurts, our worries, our difficulties and our challenges, we usually end up making them worse. The Law of Attraction repeatedly says that what we focus on expands and grows. Dozens of religions teach that what we dwell upon or think about becomes our life experience. But when we are in personal pain, when our mind is tied up in knots, the tendency is to zero into that calamity and stay there. This exactly resembles being shot by two arrows.
But don’t misunderstand me, in all the reading and studying I’ve done in my lifetime I’ve never seen anyone write, teach or say you should deny it when experiencing pain. Anyone who is going through pain, and yeah, been-there-done-that more than once, is never helped by pretending its not happening. No one likes pain, and sometimes it is all we can do just to manage it to the best of our abilities.
But what we can avoid is suffering. Remember, suffering isn’t isn’t the same as actual pain. Suffering is the story we tell about the experience of pain. And while it is never easy to change (or let go of) the story in your mind about what you are going though, it is possible. Here are five ways I managed to stop the suffering from my recent painful experience.
- First and foremost we have to wake up and remember that all the stuff we tell ourselves about why it happened, how it happened, and what it means for the future is just a story. In my case it doesn’t matter what happened two seconds before I sprained my ankle. It also doesn’t give me permission to imagine a future that will be anything else than happy and good as a result. Anytime we begin blaming, complaining or worrying we are stuck in a story of suffering.
- Let go of thinking that any of us can avoid painful stuff happening. I know this is a lot more difficult the younger you are—but I’m convinced the sooner a person can come to terms with change, uncertainty and the messiness of life, the better. This is not to say that we can’t set intentions and positively influence our futures. But what it is saying is that ultimately Life is a bigger mystery than most of us will ever comprehend. Being able to experience pain, while refusing to accept suffering is a huge step toward becoming SMART.
- Never forget that you are NOT the pain you are experiencing. A big part of the suffering story we often tell ourselves is that pain is everything we are and we can’t see the end in sight. Nothing could be further from the truth. While it is good to take steps to alleviate the pain as much as possible, never forget that it is only a tiny portion of our journey—and not who we are at our core.
- Remember that suffering is your choice. Believe me, I’m not saying that I choose to experience pain or that it is somehow my fault. In fact, any time we blame anyone (our self included!) we are just telling stories in an attempt to justify it, alleviate the guilt, or get sympathy from others. So although the pain is real, we can always choose to drop the suffering and just deal with the pain. Want to know if you are sliding into suffering? Just figure out the story you’ve been telling yourself and let-it-go.
- Have someone close to you remind you of this choice. Over the weekend Thom and I had dinner with some friends at a local restaurant. Without thinking I started into my story about my fall, how it slowed me down, and how it could ruin our upcoming trip. Luckily Thom didn’t kick me under the table, but he did speak up and point out that I was making amazing progress, that our bodies are amazing in the way we can heal from most injuries, and that in spite of it all, things are always working out for us. Having someone close to you who keeps you from sliding into a pity-party is always beneficial. For more on this issue, check out my post about FOMO!
The unvarnished truth is that two weeks ago I fell and sprained my ankle. Yes it hurt like hell, but every day since it has been gradually healing and feeling better. Each and every one of us will go through big and little events like this our entire lives. Fortunately, these are just aspects of our lives, not who we are. Pain does not define us unless we let it. Ultimately it is SMART to be a “well-instructed disciple” and always remember that even though pain may be inevitable, suffering is always a choice.
Great article Kathy. Was able to connect with you on many levels. I have been training for to Toronto Marathon for over a year now. Had a knee impact injury similar to the one you had 3 months back. It wasn’t even the pain, or the half hour drive to the Athletic Edge Sports Medicine facility where I took physiotherapy in Toronto, or the difficulty of not being able to walk properly. It was the sheer fear and mental suffering that I was losing days for practice, and the fear that I might not be able to run the marathon. It is truly tough to get over this fear.
I have another helpful suggestion. This is what I did- I wrote down on a piece of paper the following “ I will make it to the finish line of the Toronto Marathon, and will set a new benchmark for myself. I will have attained my former health and running ability by then.” I read this every single day until the day before the marathon. This single sentence is what kept my fear and anxiety at bay, and helped me recover, train harder and attain my goal. I think it would be a great addition to your list.
Hi Fan! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts AND experience with all of us. Glad to hear you’ve been able to get past your experience, recover nicely and attain your goal. Your suggestion is helpful and another one of those things that reminds us that pain is usually temporary and we will get past it! ~Kathy
Great story in my counseling I talk a lot about pain. Pain can be a powerful force in our life and in the life of others.. One of the things that i talk with people about is not wasting their pain. When it comes to pain like hitting your knee maybe its bee more careful, quit texting while your walking. I think pain that is not wasted becomes wisdom.
Hi Charles! Welcome to SMART Living and thanks for joining the conversation. I like what you’ve said about not wasting our pain. Obviously it is something we are going through so why not use it to learn something about our life and go from there. As you say, pain that is not wasted becomes wisdom. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
I agree that pain is inevitable as it is the bodies way of telling us that something is not quite right. Suffering on the others hand to my mind can be a form of self pity that does us no good at all…
Thanks again for the insights you provide
Ron
Hi Rena! I’m hoping all these “travel” posts are stand-alone features so that even if you miss one you still benefit. Thanks for following…and as ALWAYS thanks for your comments. ~Kathy
This idea is so hard for people to get. Ya know? You explain it well, as you do it through humility and story. Hope you feel better!
Hi Jodi! I know it’s sometimes difficult because I do need to remind myself over and over. But any time I consider the alternative–and that is to be a slave to circumstances–I choose to believe I can at least influence my own state of mind!
And yes, thank you! I’m doing better and better every day. ~Kathy
So good to be reminded of this distinction. We can let our pain become a runaway train sometimes (and I’m a poet and I didn’t know it, lol!).
Hi Laura! Yes you are a poet 🙂 And now that I think about it…maybe that’s a good way to remember it! Pain CAN BE a runaway train unless we catch ourselves. Far better to stay awake and aware. ~Kathy
I am very much a proponent of choice and finding the lesson, as much as possible. Happy that you are coming along, though.
Thanks Carol! I’ve always thought that learning from my experiences was a much more EMPOWERING way to approach life don’t you think? And yes, I’m happy to say it’s getting better every day! ~Kath
Kathy, I am so late here, I hope you are healed now and am sorry you had to take a break from your hiking and walks for a bit just when you were enjoying your summer vacation.
It’s funny, I see pain differently when it happens to me. Of course having MD from birth I was always falling and experiencing some pain often. Instead of letting it get to me I usually try to figure out how I can be more mindful to prevent future injuries. The last serious fall resulted in six months of healing. I wanted to scream some days but in the end I turned it around and realized the future could look similar to my predicament and began the process of making my home more accessible while I was laid up. For me I see injuries as my wake up call and tell myself I needed to hear a message when I get down during the recuperation period.
Hi Lois! Thank you so much for sharing your own personal experience here. While I’m aware that there are people who struggle with much more pain and challenge in their lives (like you) than I have had, I had hoped my perspective could be useful to others. It sounds to me that you worked out your own way of “choosing” to experience what you were going through in a way that works for you. I like how you address it by saying, “I see injuries as my wake up call and tell myself I needed to hear a message when I get down during the recuperation period.” By choosing to see your pain as a learning lesson and making sense of it, I believe that it empowers you (and all of us really) in a way that is much better than the alternative. Thank you again for helping to explain this idea more deeply. ~Kathy
There is so much to be learned from the experience of pain. Thank you for sharing this thought provoking piece!
Hi Mary! You’re so welcome. Thank you for leaving a comment. ~Kathy
I love this post, Kathy. Especially the part about suffering is a choice. It’s easy to think that when you experience pain that suffering is the natural extension of that, which means you’re taken on that ride too, regardless of what you want. But it’s not so. Thanks for that reminder!
Hi Kelly! I’m betting that most of us can use a reminder of this (I sure can!) on a regular basis. It is so easy to get sucked into the mindset, as you say, that pain is the natural extension of that. It’s tempting to blame others or at least wallow in the idea a bit–but I’m a huge advocate for personal responsibility (yes the R in SMART!) so I can’t let myself stay there very long. It really does empower us in the long run don’t you think? ~Kathy
Like penpen, I had surgery on my knee after dealing with excruciating pain (and an idiot doctor that fluffed it off as arthritis) for over a year. Turns out I had a severe meniscus tear, and it damaged my ligaments as well.
After surgery, I expected to bounce right back like I always had…Unfortunately, my body decided otherwise. Yes, I can say that wallowing in that self – pity did me not one bit of good…and I put my mind to…slowly…working on getting better. I think just knowing there was light at the end of the tunnel squashed a lot of suffering.
That being said, I have had too many friends and family deal with debilitating cancer, and even with the best fight in them, they were unable to move past the suffering.
Hi Denise! Thank you so much for stopping by SMART Living and joining the conversation. Physical pain is tricky. Like I hope I shared in the post it is so very easy to get fixated on the pain and forget so much else. I think that is what happens with some people who get stuck in the suffering loop. And hey, part of me completely understands that. I’ve had a couple of health issues (with severe pain) that made it VERY hard to know anything else.
But examples like Viktor Frankl (and others) show us that we can undergo all kinds of horrendous things and still know that our ultimate freedom is how we view and deal with circumstances around us. Hard? Of course! Plus as author Carolyn Myss says, some people actually get more from their suffering than they did from their good health. While I would never presume to suggest that someone consciously wants to suffer, on an unconscious level there are many motivations that are not always obvious.
Ultimately, we can’t really know why others are experiencing their circumstances the way they are–we can only attempt to stay conscious and aware of our own to the best of our abilities. I prefer peace of mind and happiness so to me it is SMART to choose to let go of suffering. ~Kathy
Pain is a sudden thing that comes and goes of without any prior notification. I personally feel that suffering is an inevitable part of pain. We all suffer, may be the depth is not same for all!
Hi Adi! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts on this. I do agree that most of the time pain is sudden and unpredictable. But my personal experience proves to me that it doesn’t have to lead to suffering. Yes, much of the time it does but I personally believe that we can choose to let go of the suffering. Suffering is the resistance, the struggle and the frustration we have about the pain in the first place and like the story of the two arrows I quote in the post, it is like hurting ourselves twice if we choose NOT to let it go. Of course it is ALWAYS our choice not to let it go too. But staying awake, aware and conscious it is important to know the choice is there if we want it. ~Kathy
We are more than the stories we tell ourselves. And most importantly, Yes!…we can CHOOSE the stories we tell ourselves. Suffering is truly just an option and as the Buddhists always say, we can avoid it if we just learn to let go and detach from expectations. It may be expectations about how our body should be, how our job should be, how ppl we love should behave and love us back, etc. Great, insightful post, Kathy. Thanks for the reminders! 🙂
Hi Joy! Thanks for stopping by SMART living and joining the conversation. And thank you for bringing up the point about detachment and letting go of expectations. Both of those are challenging to me but I’m glad to say I am getting better as I go….and I sure need all the reminders I can find! Thanks again for your comment. ~Kathy
beautiful, satisfying response, Kathy.
your words, perspective, and voice is much appreciated by me in Minnesota. xx
Thank you Kim….I hope you know how much I admire you and the work you are doing on behalf of others. The world needs the message you have to give. ~kg
We all must suffer pain to experience joy. So whatever physical ailments that are fixable, they are not fun but when they are gone we can resume our happiness. Plus, not only resume it, but have more gratitude that it’s returned to us. That is the blessing of life.
Wonderful post (as always) Kathy!
Hi Cathy! I know you’ve had some health challenges so please know I don’t make light of that. But what I have seen (and read on your blog) is how you use your experience of pain and circumstance to help others in so many ways. If you’re anything like me I’m sure you want to throw things or hold a pity-party now and then (okay so maybe you are much better than me with stuff like this!) but over all the best way to empower ourselves is to remember we do have a choice.
Thanks as always for your perspective on this! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
I am so sorry that you have been in pain and mentioning it now, after three weeks. The only reason we have to tell our story is to alleviate it a bit…rest stays with us – both the pain and suffering. It takes some painful experiences to understand that we have to deal with it alone, others can just empathise. I have written about pain – Why is Pain an essential element of Life – you can find it in the archives.
Though I had many brushes with the pain but one was a near death experience when I survived a car accident, an amazing life changing experience! Another one, when I fell down the stairs of my apartment just when my family was waiting downstairs, full of excitement to embark on a two week vacation and had to cancel it as I had a hair line fracture in my foot (diagnosed next morning.)
This post has aroused many memories!! The essence of all this is – slowly we learn to live with pain and yes, also learn that suffering is a choice. Thanks for sharing a wonderful post!
Hi Balroop! Yes, isn’t it amazing all the things that we experience in a lifetime and yet when we are able, just become part of our life journey of growth and transformation? I realize none of it is easy. But again, what is the alternative? I would far rather take responsibility for my choices than remain a victim to the actions of others or the experiences of life. I so admire others like Viktor Frankl who watched friends and family perish in concentration camps and was STILL able to say, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
Thanks for joining this conversation. ~Kathy
That second arrow certainly applies to physical pain. I was kicking myself around for not recovering faster from hip replacement –could only walk 1/2 mile in comfort 3 months after surgery. What was wrong with me! What had I not done to get my leg stronger! Then I went to a massage therapist who explained the physical facts–my muscles had atrophied in the year before the surgery while my body accommodated the pain. That modification to my story was like having the second arrow pulled out. Even when the pain was there when I walked, it was only pain. I was no longer suffering. At 8 months post surgery, I’m now walking 2-3 miles a day and riding my bike for the fun of it. Healing comes much easier without that second arrow.
Hi Penny! Thank you for brining up that great perspective on our story. I suppose when you think about it, we are all always telling a story one way or another. The question is, does it help and serve us and others or drag us into the pits of despair. By your therapist telling you another “story” about why things were taking longer than you wanted, you were able to switch it around in a much more positive way.
And congratulations on the progress you have been making. Isn’t it easy to feel grateful for our bodies ability to heal things like this and for the ability to do regular and everyday things like walk???? I so agree with your saying, “Healing comes much easier without that second arrow.” Keep moving! ~Kathy
I hope you heal quickly. An injury or a sickness is a kick in the soul to be grateful. I fell off my bike last week and some gravel cuts and bruises woke me up to my accelerating ( pun intended) recklessness on my bike that I need to check!
Hi Haralee! Yes, you are so right. I am definitely more motivated to be grateful these days–and as my husband also reminded me, recognizing the need to slow down a bit. Glad you survived your “recklessness” and chose to see the benefit in it just like me! Sometimes slowing down is the perfect solution. ~Kathy
I really appreciate the message in this post, and will be both taking it to heart and sharing it with others. Thank you. 🙂
Hi Laural! Thank you! I know it isn’t always easy but I so believe that it is preferable to being a victim to circumstances. I have read several stories of people who are able to move on from terrible pain and tragedy and reclaim their own peace of mind. Whenever I need inspiration I go to that! Thanks for your thoughts…. ~Kathy
This post really speaks to me. I have friends and family that only focus on the “why me” of things/situations. They manifest negativity and seem to be clueless as to how their attitudes often make a situation worse. Thx so much for reminding me that the power of positive thinking is more than just an attitude, it’s a choice.
Hi Kim! I know this on a very intellectual perspective but I do admit that it is sometimes more difficult to LIVE than other times. That’s why I wrote this post to help REMIND ME! Glad you felt it was a good reminder too! The more we remember we have the choice about our own reactions, the more empowered we are. And yeah, that’s worth any of the challenge.
Thanks for stopping by and joining the conversation! ~Kathy
Suffering IS a choice – but I still offer my sympathy, for an unfortunate accident!
Hi Susan! Thank you for your concern. I am happy to say that Thom and I and Kloe just finished a 3 mile “easy” hike in the forest and things are looking up. I did everything that I could find on how to heal it and bought a good ankle brace just to be sure. This lesson was relatively easy to learn and remember–it’s good to “practice” for when something more challenging comes along. ~Kathy
***First and foremost we have to wake up and remember that all the stuff we tell ourselves about why it happened, how it happened, and what it means for the future is just a story.***
I don’t see my sister’s murder as ‘just a story.’ I see it as life-changing, gut wrenching, unimaginable, unbearable…something that defines me in many ways.
And I SUFFERED/suffer like HELL, which is inevitable if you are human.
A choice? I’m not sure about that, Kathy, although I did make the choice to live with that suffering & loss.
As Always, I appreciate your perspective. xx
Hi Kim. I KNOW that your experience and loss is over and beyond extra-ordinary! It’s not something you will ever forget or move-on-from for sure. And I would never compare my sprained ankle to what you have experienced in any way.
But my personal philosophy (and there are plenty of others like me) is that it is only when I take full responsibility for my actions (and reactions) can I ever be guaranteed true happiness or peace of mind. Again, I’m not saying we can control what happens to us or those we love. But I do happen to believe that we have the power over how we we then respond and react to what happens–and what story we tell ABOUT it. Otherwise we condemn ourselves, like author Carolyn Myss says, to being victims to whatever circumstances come our way.
The good news is that history is full of tragedy and experiences and how some people come to terms with the experience in a way that serves them and the world around them. Just like how you have turned your experience around to be a powerful advocate for domestic violence is an example. It is channeling your pain into something VERY powerful to benefit others. Who knows how many others you are helping and serving? How you choose to tell the story of your sister can either empower you and others, or lead you down the path of misery and suffering.
And while nothing will ever erase the experience, it do believe it can be transformed. The action will never be forgotten or condoned, but I do believe that finding peace of mind is our choice–no matter what.
So true. How we relate to the issue IS the issue.
When we accept the “what is,” we are allow the hardship/pain/challenge to be what it is without creating unnecessary suffering by the thoughts we think.
Hi NR! I love that “how we relate to the issue IS the issue!” That pretty much sums it up doesn’t it? ~Kathy
I think it’s easy to figuratively kick yourself after a fall like this:
*I should have been paying attention
*I shouldn’t be so clumsy
*I was going too fast
etc, etc
To your point, even if any or all of these were true, it doesn’t change the outcome, so there is no benefit to making this the story and obsessing over it. You’re right, it would only serve to create more suffering!
I hope you heal up quickly and fully before your trip!
Be well,
Nancy
Hi Nancy! I am really, really happy to say that my “healing” is coming along really well. I got myself a great brace and have been taking longer and longer walks every day. But isn’t it crazy how we can beat ourselves up so easily!?! I think I remember reading a few of those on your blog too 🙂 But now I am planning to NEVER shoot myself twice when something like this happens! ~Kathy