When I sat down today to make up my to-do list it occurred to me that this was going to be a very busy week. And to make matters worse, I had no one to blame except myself. For much of my life I’ve had trouble saying no to people, especially when it comes in areas I think are important. But as I’ve mentioned before, I recently read Essentialism—The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown. Not only does the book focus on eliminating everything that is unessential in our lives so we can focus on what really matters, McKeown suggests that learning to say “No” is a critical and courageous step required to do just that. So for those of us on the path to simplifying our lives or those of us who want to live by design rather than default, it is very SMART to learn ways to say No from here on out.
I think it’s important to understand why we say yes rather than no in the first place. Here are nine I came up with:
1) We’re afraid of missing out.
2) We’re afraid of lost opportunity
3) We’re afraid someone won’t like/love us
4) We’re afraid we’ll disappoint someone
5) We’re afraid others will judge us harshly.
6) Sometimes we yearn for the rush of pleasure we get from the yes—until we actually have to do what it is we’ve committed ourselves to do.
7) It’s often easier (in the moment) to say yes than it is to be courageous and say no.
8) We’re so unclear about what is important to us that we can’t tell if a yes or a no is to our real benefit.
9) We’ve gotten in the habit of just saying yes to what others ask without thinking.
As we can see there is often a great deal of fear in most of our decisions to say yes. Even when it isn’t about fear, most of our actions and choices are grounded in our inability to be very clear about what it is we want to do and experience in our lives in the first place. I’m as guilty as anyone. Even when I’m not worried about someone judging me harshly or missing out on something important, I often find myself saying yes because I’m scattered and distracted about what I should really be spending my time doing. As McKeown says, “The point is to say no to the nonessentials so we can say yes to the things that really matter. It is to say no—frequently and gracefully—to everything but what is truly vital.”
Okay, so how do we do that? Here are nine ways I intend to practice saying no frequently and gracefully in the near future.
- McKeown suggests we “separate the decision from the relationship.” Much of the time we are more worried about how our answer will affect the relationship rather than how it will impact our ability to do what is critical in our lives. He says that we must remember, “denying the request is not the same as denying the person.”
- Saying no doesn’t mean you have to say, “No!” In other words, there are lots of different ways to communicate that you are unable to comply with a request. Taking the time to learn a few choice techniques will pay off in the long run.
- Focus on the cost or the trade-off before opening our mouths. Much of the time we say yes without even thinking of what that commitment will mean in terms of time and energy. If we consider what the trade offs will require, and what it will realistically take to say yes, we might find the easy courage to say no.
- Count to twenty. Lots of people say it’s wise to count to ten before answering anyone when put on the spot. When it comes as a request for us to do something, let’s count to twenty to give ourselves plenty of time to consider the request in terms of what it really means to us. And in some ways, our pause might signal to the requester that we might not be the best choice after all.
- Using the soft “I’d like to, but….” This is a popular way of deflecting the heat of the question in the moment. Most people find this one of the easiest and least confrontational of all the ways to say no. Similarly, such a simple excuse is a favorite when used with friends and family.
- Say what you are willing to do but be sure and be clear about what you won’t. A big problem with saying yes to others is that much of the request isn’t clear until after you’ve gotten involved. That’s why having clear boundaries about what is most important is so helpful. When you know exactly how and where a request will fit (or not fit) into your life, you can agree to a portion of it while clearly stating no to the rest. Often, that might be what the person needs from you most of all.
- Go ahead and say yes, but ask the person who made the request to help you re-prioritize. Many of us are put in a challenging position when someone with authority asks us to do something. Realistically, we can only do so much with our time and whenever we take on something new, other things we do must be reshuffled. Whenever asked by a superior to do even one more thing, put the responsibility for what must be shuffled back on his or her shoulders. They just might decide to ask someone else instead.
- Say it using humor. Many years ago someone gave me a small plaque that reads, “Please—I can only do twelve things at a time.” I still have it and yes, I use it every now and then and it always gets a laugh. Humor is often an excellent way to break the tension of being put on the spot. Then it is easier to say no.
- Remember that every yes you give someone else, may be a no to yourself and your own essential dreams. The biggest take-away I received after reading McKeown’s book was that far too often I get careless about my own essential needs and desires, and put others before my own. Essentialism reminds me to focus on my priorities first and foremost, and be very clear that when I put others first, I am sacrificing my own. While there may be a time when that is good and important to me to give someone else priority, most of the time I am doing it by default, not design.
This morning I attended a meeting where a request was made for someone to volunteer to head up a new committee. I didn’t say a word and kept my mouth shut. Meanwhile Carol, another woman at the meeting, spent nearly 15 minutes explaining why even though she would be really good at it, she wasn’t sure if she had time. In spite of that, when the meeting finally finished, Carol agreed to be the new chairperson for the committee. I can only guess her reason for saying yes, but I’ll bet she’ll soon be wishing she’d said no. Let’s not be like Carol.
According to Greg McKeown, “Essentialism is more than a time-management strategy or a productivity technique. It is a systematic discipline for discerning what is absolutely essential, then eliminating everything that is not, so we can make the highest contribution toward the things that really matter.” In the middle of all that is the courage to create boundaries and say no when necessary. It doesn’t matter whether we are involved in business or merely striving toward a happy life, it is SMART to learn to say no to everything nonessential.
QUESTION: What is YOUR best tip for saying no to others? Please share in the comments below!
For my previous article on Essentialism—The Disciplined Pursuit of Less
Thank you for this post. I read so many articles or blog posts dealing with the same subject, but they usually frustrate me because they make me feel incapable since i don’t say no. The tips you shared seem so easy to apply. Thank you.
Hi Nikky! Thank you so much for your comment. And I also appreciate that I was able to communicate the idea from an empowering place. Maybe because I know I’m not an expert on the topic, just an interested person who wants to get better, I can write from that place. Thanks again for coming by. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy Gottberg ,You have posted “superb” tips . Its not easiest to say “No”. I agree with your all tips. In future surly am follow your these tips.
Thanks for sharing 🙂
keep it up 🙂
Hi Addison! Thanks for stopping by and I’m glad you found my ideas about saying no helpful. ~Kathy
It’s kind of funny, Kathy, but I have too easy of a time saying “No.” It tends to be my kneejerk response! I’ve actually had to make an effort to say “Yes” more often. 🙂
I think a lot of people, women especially, tend to say “yes” too often though.
Hi Bethany! Good for you for being able to say no when needed. That will definitely serve you long into the future especially if you can tell when it is best to say “yes”. As you say, far too many of us have the opposite problem. Either way, being mindful of what is most important to us and then acting in alignment with that are best. Thanks for your comment! ~Kathy
Saying no is actually one of the hardest things to do for me. I actually missed a couple of opportunities myself during the times I did not say no, I end up regretting it towards the end. I’m really glad I ran across this article. Thanks for your help, Kathy!
Hi Connor! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts with us all. AND thanks for confirming that sometimes when we don’t say no to what we don’t really want, then we miss out on the things that we really do want. Glad you found the article helpful and thanks again for coming by. ~Kathy
This is such great advice, Kathy. I, too, have a hard time saying no and regret it afterwards. I’m going to take your suggestions to heart the next time.
Hi Helene! I sincerely hope that you found this info as helpful as I did! As the saying goes, I usually write “what I need to learn myself” and this was definitely the case. Thanks for your comment! ~Kathy
I hadn’t heard of essentialism, but I like the mindful quality of it.
I’m a fan of clarity, so this one really resonates: “Say what you are willing to do but be sure and be clear about what you won’t.”
Hi Lori! Yes, essentialism shares a lot with mindfulness that I’d never considered before reading the book. And that all certainly ties into the goal to be more clear in all things. When we are clear about how a request fits into our lives and can agree to only those things that work while resisting those we can’t, then we will have made progress. (At least that would be huge progress for me! 🙂 ) Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
It was many years ago but i still remember the first time I said No: the time, the place but most of all the enormity of the feeling of liberation it set off. I call that moment to mind whenever I need to say No.
I found your comments about essentialism right on target. Now that I’m free lancing again and working out of my home, I find Essentialism key to managing my time–and finding ways to say No to myself all over again.
Hi Penny! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts. I LOVE that you can remember a significant time in your life when you said NO and it has stayed with you. How powerful. And what a great idea to recall that feeling of freedom and power whenever you need to do it again.
And I so agree that all of us who work at home and have to mange our time can benefit when we learn to say no. Thanks again for comments. ~Kathy
I learned to set limits a long time ago–at least with others. With myself? Not so much.
Hi Carol! I had a feeling you’d be better at this than I am. But I am getting better for sure. Of course you raise a VERY important idea about how we say “yes” to ourselves more times than is good for us! I think that is all part of the idea that we aren’t putting our priorities in line and then get distracted by all sorts of interesting, amusing or distracting ideas. Saying “No!” in both areas is VERY important. ~Kathy
Great post – sharing it with some I think need to read it! At 48, I now can say NO, it’s so freeing.
Hi Dawn! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts. If you’ve managed to conquer the need to say yes at 48 you are way ahead of me. I’m still a work in progress but I am getting better and better every day! Thanks again for coming by. ~Kathy
Hello,
Tone is the hardest part of saying no.
When my friends ask me for the help then I always say “Yes”. I don’t know why I can’t say no to them. But some times I can say “No” to my family. No is toughest word in this world. But its not shame if we are saying No to bad things.
~Diana
Hi Dr. Diana! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts. I agree that saying “no” can be tough. But as you say, it’s not bad if we say no to those things that are harmful or don’t serve us. And yes, it’s even harder to say no to friends, but as a friend ourselves, would we ever want someone to feel bad because they say yes to us when they really wanted to say no? Maybe we need to be as considerate to others as we hope they would be to us. Then maybe we’ll have the courage to say no more often. Thanks again for your thoughts….Kathy
Kathy, this is such a great post, and oh my goodness do I need to take this advice to heart right now. As you know, I just had a baby, and that really ups the need to say no A LOT. Especially with a 15-month-old daughter and a career that’s barely off the ground, I want to do so much more than I really can. My favorite tip of yours? “Go ahead and say yes, but ask the person who made the request to help you re-prioritize.” If I could get better about this, it would relieve so much stress! Interestingly, though, the person I need to apply this to most is MYSELF. So when I add one more thing to the to-do list, I really need to ask myself whether the new task is a high-priority item, and if so, what’s going to get pushed back. I want everything on that front burner, but realistically, that’s just a recipe for a breakdown. Love this.
Hi Sarah! OMG! How on earth do you even find time to write blog posts AND comment on others???? I am in awe! 😮
I’m not at all surprised that prioritizing your schedule is extremely important to you at this time. Shoot, I think it’s important for us all but when you have so many important things on your plate it’s got to be challenging. Again, I applaud you for having the obviously strong desire to carry on even though your world has undergone a big change lately. Of course isn’t that the awesome thing we who work at home and set our own hours enjoy? We have the ability to work it out the way that works best for us. But we do have to be very mindful about our time and energy–and learning to say no and prioritize is at the top of the list.
I can’t wait to read the blog posts that come out at this time!!! You’re going to have so much great stuff to share. Thanks for taking the time. 🙂 ~Kathy
I AM GETTING BETTER AT IT .BUT IT IS FUNNY TO WATCH PEOPLES
EXPRESSIONS, WAITING FOR ME TO EXPLAIN FURTHER AND TO SAY `YES I WILL DO IT ` AFTER ALL.
Hi Sissy! Thank you for your comment. I think we all are “works in progress” but I’m not sure I understand. Are you saying you still say “yes” even when you know that it isn’t going to be something you want to do? While it might seem funny, ultimately it can’t be to your favor. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. ~Kathy
My Husby used to stand me in front of the mirror and get me to practice the word ‘no’. These are much more creative! 🙂
Hi Diane! Hahahaha! I don’t know….I sorta like your husband’s advice. Some of it is just practice, practice, practice. Just like with any habit we’ve gotten too good and saying yes, that hearing ourselves say no over and over might be very valuable. Thanks for sharing Diane! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
Saying no – one of the toughest things to do 🙂
Yet, if you don’t learn to say no, when you should, especially when you have pending work at hand, you and your work will suffer. I face this problem, and it’s now, after so many years of being online, that I’ve started saying no, whether it’s for interviews, or explaining some things to strangers on the social media. I used to be always willing, but my work took a back seat.
I don’t directly say NO, instead, tell them I will back to them on so and so date, and I do, but once I end my work. People understand if you tell them your reasons, but there surely is no other way.
Thanks for sharing. Have a nice weekend 🙂
Hi Harleena! Yes I agree that saying “no” tends to be a challenge for most of us. And I’m definitely a work in progress myself! And I can see where you are the type of person who is always so generous and helpful, which is a great thing….but if it keeps you from being able to get your work done or focus on what is important to you, then saying no is critical. And I’m sure even when you set your boundaries there will come a time when you simple must limit your hope. As you say, “there surely is no other way.”
Thanks for your thoughts on this. And may your weekend be awesome as well! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
This is a fantastic article, offering many options for saying no. I think a lot depends on two points a-who is asking you b- what is the work/job.
Yes it is good to be graceful and polite but it is more important to be honest. If you keep the person hanging in a circumvent manner, that will surely reveal your intentions sooner or later. So an honest ‘no’ when you mean to say no is my preferred way. What is the use of keeping the other person guessing and hoping if you don’t want to do what has been requested.
Thanks for sharing such a realistic topic, which many of us can connect with.
Hi Balroop! I’m glad you liked this post and found it helpful. You’re so right that there are definitely ways to consider it–both personally and in work related. And as you say, being both polite and honest is always preferable. Isn’t it interesting that we would ever think that NOT telling the truth would be better? Ultimately it is always 100% more desirable to know that when we agree to do something, when any of us agree to do something, it is something we really want to do rather than just something we are saying to appease. The challenge is for us to all do our best from this day forth and be as honest and true about what is important to us by saying yes, when we mean yes, and saying no when that’s what we really and truly mean. Thanks Balroop for your thoughtful comment to this post. ~Kathy
—-Superb, insightful tips, Kathy
“What is YOUR best tip for saying no to others?” For me, it is to be completely honest. It is better to say “No” than to back out later or not finish your commitment. Don’t’ you agree?
Hi Kim! As you guessed, you know that I agree that honestly is ALWAYS the best policy! Plus, that points out another really important thought. When we have a stronger commitment to something else, like being honest as much as possible, it helps to offset some of the “social awkwardness” that many of us sometimes have around being honest. Thanks for that reminder! And now I’m going to have to come over and see what Carnival Cruise has to do with the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo! 🙂 ~Kathy
Sometimes I am not clear if I want to or not or if I can do it. I feel pressure to answer which is my own pressure. I remember to say:
“Let me think about it.” If I have to say that, I am usually admitting that I don’t want to. I do, however, know when I DO want to do something. That seems very clear.
Hi Leslie! Yes, I agree that is a big problem for most of us. When we aren’t clear we sometimes rush in and say yes without thinking it through. You are so right that it’s much better to say, “Let me think about it first.” And yes, chances are good that what we’re really saying is probably not. When we know ABSOLUTELY the choice is much easier! Thanks for your thoughts on this! ~Kathy
Thank you Kathy. You\\\’ve given me some things to think further on. Have a great weekend! p.s. I\’ve added Greg\’s book to my to read shelf on Goodreads.
Great tips on such an important topic, Kathy. I use the soft approach, “I’d love to but…” I have a hard time saying no when someone needs ‘help’ with something. I have an easier time saying no to functions or events that are just time consuming. Speaking of which, my brother is getting married this fall. His wedding will be in Vegas and with the expense of it and the fact that he hasn’t spoken to me in over a year (we’ve had a falling out which I’m hoping will be resolved soon) I’m just not sure how to respond to their save the date. BTW, I’ve never met his pheonce. I have to deal with this soon or else, he will really hate me. No pressure!
Hi Lisa! Yes, it is a tricky position you are in with your brother. Like I mentioned, I too have the most difficulty with friends and family. But one thing I really, really like about the Essentialism book is how it is repeated over and over that we be clear about “what really matters” and what is most important to us. Only you can say if your relationship is something you want to encourage and deepen or just let go of. I have a sister that I am somewhat friendly to but we keep our distance. If she invites me to her wedding (which is possible) I will send a card and gift but I won’t go. Of course, I am under no illusion that we will ever be close and I’m okay with that. While I can wish her well and every happiness, her life does not fit into what matters in mine.
So as I’m sure you know only you can decide that with your brother and his wife-to-be. Maybe the real question isn’t whether you go but how important is it to YOU that you be there? Thanks for this interesting perspective. ~Kathy
I have come across some folks when I say no very politely they say ‘why not’, or give testimonies that it won’t take up much time, energy etc. Now I just say No and firmly state no means no. In friendships I have a difficult time understanding when a ‘No’ is not accepted. I think there is no friendship when the ‘No’ is treated as a sales ploy to get to yes!
Hi Haralee! Yes, there are people out there that will argue with you when you give them a no–especially those trying to sell you something. I think they all went to sales meetings where their boss tells them–“don’t take no for an answer.” And then we have to deal with them. But in some ways it is easier for me to say no to sales-type people because I know there is nothing personal. It’s the family and friend issue I most have to be strong about.
I like your advice, “no means no.” I WILL remember that! ~Kathy
This is a very timely post for me, Kathy. I’m currently leading a special project at work, and had to enlist the participation of many others in what I’ll call a ‘virtual team’, or V-Team as I’ve dubbed it. I completely get that everyone has a ‘day job’, but the minute you commit to participating in a high-priority special project, you have a responsibility to be accountable to your deliverables and commitments. Yes, that probably means some other workloads will have to slide off your plate (or be back-burnered) in the interim. Some do this better than others. Wednesday was a rough day. I had to come down hard on two critical team members who decided to announce to me 4 BUSINESS DAYS BEFORE A PLANNED LAUNCH EVENT that ‘there is no way we’ll be ready by Tuesday”. Uh, no. That is not an option. Needless to say, the whip has been cracked, and things will be delivered, and the show will go on Tuesday – but – why the drama and stress? Why force me to show my claws and be the heavy?
I may bring copies of Essentialism—The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown as thank you gifts when I arrive at the NYC office Tuesday morning. Clearly many there could benefit from reading it.
Hi Nancy! Ugh. I feel your pain. It is particularly discouraging when others do not live up to their commitments and that throws you off. I believe a huge problem with that is that those people didn’t know how to say no to you in the first place! Don’t you just wish others would be up front about that when it’s unlikely they’d be able to do it in the first place? It is a GREAT reminder to me that we actually do others a favor when we tell them no rather than lead them on to thinking we are really wanting (or have the time or energy) to meet that commitment.
And yes, I would highly recommend giving the book to your team. It’s so important for everyone working together to be on the same page (or book!)
Thanks for your input on this! ~Kathy