Sports have never been my thing. Sure I like to play at a few sports—like pickleball, golf and swimming but usually only with likeminded friends that are there like me, to have fun and socialize—not sweat. So when I heard a recent podcast by Brene Brown interviewing a woman named Abby Wambach, I only vaguely knew who she was. For those of you who are even less familiar than I was, Wambach is a two-time Olympic gold medalist with a ton of other accolades and awards including the highest all time national soccer goal scorer for women and 2nd for international soccer goals for both women AND men. That’s a big deal! At 40 she is retired and has gone on to write a couple of books. Regardless of whether you are a sports fan or not, this impressive woman is able to offer a unique perspective for women of all ages in our times. I found her New Rules to be excellent reminders as we collectively co-create a better world for us all.
Wambach left soccer back in 2015 after being showered with awards and recognition. However, she knew when she retired that as a woman (one of the very few to reach such notoriety in sports), she still didn’t have the savings to be able to exit like any current recognized male sports heroes. That prompted her to become a writer and began public speaking and endorsing products. Wambach has now earned more in the last 4 years from those activities than the entire time she played professional sports as a woman. This is sadly true for all women in sports.
Wambach’s first book is a memoir titled, Forward. Wambach’s second book, Wolfpack, How To Come Together, Unleash our Power and Change the Game was quickly followed by the recent release of the “Young People’s Edition.” That third book was the focus of Brene Brown’s interview. While Wambach offers a total of eight new rules that are powerful encouragement for us all, here are the four that seemed most important to me.
#1 Old rule: Stay on the path. New Rule: Make your own path.
Something that Wambach has managed to do is to take fairly common memes and put them in context with her unique background. The story she uses to explain this new rule is the story of The Little Red Riding Hood. That tale teaches us all (particularly girls) to stay on the path to grannie’s house in order be safe, do what we’re told and never venture into the woods. Instead Wambach advices, “…wear what you want, love who you love, become what you imagine, create what you need. You were never Little Red Riding Hood; you were always the wolf.”
#2 Old Rule: Play fair, be nice, stay safe. Ask for the ball. New Rule: Believe in yourself, demand the ball
Back when I was growing up most young women I knew were taught to play fair, be nice, stay safe—and if you wanted to have something or do something, politely ask for it. Well guess what? That strategy might make us very likable, but it didn’t help Wambach win two gold medals. She shares a story from her training that taught her very powerfully about how she had to have the confidence to “demand the ball” and then take full responsibility when she did. It had nothing to do with being nice, fair or safe. And if you wait to ask permission before you do what needs to be done, it usually doesn’t happen.
Brene agreed and Brene offered a quick story to illustrate. Back when Brene was teaching she explored the idea of self-grading for her students. She said it literally broke her heart when the young women in the class would routinely grade themselves a “B” or less saying they knew that they could probably do better or confessing each error they ever made. Meanwhile the young men had absolutely no problem routinely giving themselves “A’s” or “A+,s.” Being raised to be nice has consequences. It’s time to change the rule.
#3 Old Rule: Be grateful for what you have. New Rule: Be grateful for what you have and demand what you deserve.
I’m guessing that many of us were taught to focus on all the good in our lives. Nearly every woman I talk to tells me that they are grateful for what they have been given, even those that have worked incredibly hard or faced tremendous odds to arrive where they have landed. Wambach says that gratitude is indeed part of our humanity—BUT—she believes that we have not learned to then ask for what we truly deserve because of it.
In 2021 women are still only earning 82 cents for every $1 that a man earns regardless of whether she is doing the exact same thing. But because most women are all so grateful for what we have, we often never demand for more. We also don’t receive the same recognition as men for equal or more work. And if or when we do ask for more, we are often told we should just be grateful for having a job at all. Asking for and receiving what we deserve is a rule that needs to be embraced in the days ahead.
#4 Old Rule: Be against each other. Benefits are scarce, so get what you can before they do! New Rule: Champion each other.
We have all been raised in a world where we are taught that resources are limited and scarce. We are taught to compete against each other and unfortunately this seems to have hurt many women more than men. When women are taught that there are only two seats out of ten at the table available to them, they often start believing that other women are the enemy instead of the eight men holding them back. Who decided women only got two seats in the first place? Perhaps women should work together and take all ten for a change? Wambach learned while playing soccer as part of a team that when we work together we can accomplish great things. Champion one another! Recognize that there is plenty of good to go around for each of us! When we work together for something, we all win!
Throughout the book, Wambach goes back to the story of Little Red Riding Hood and the powerful wolf within each of us. A big part of that power is in finding and working together with our pack. She equates much of her success to her pack, the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team. Whenever she is asked what she misses most from playing soccer, she is very clear that it was belonging to such a close knit “pack” that helped them all accomplish amazing things. She advices us to find and treasure our own packs because that is where the magic happens.
Listen to or read any current news and you’ll likely see that our world is changing daily in so many ways. But while things are moving at lightning speed in technology, medicine and science, in terms of human behavior some things are very old fashioned. Many of us (and yeah I’m talking about me) still operate from some old rules that were passed down from our patriarchal society ages ago. Without even thinking about it, we act, react and move forward from outdated ideas about who we are and what we should do and be. It’s time for a change. You might not be interested in getting your hands on Abby Wambach’s book. But it might be SMART for all of us to start rewriting the rules we live by in ways that are more equitable and compassionate and whole if we want to see a better world in the future.
Interesting article and book, Kathy!
Yes, we need to take the future – our future – in our own hands. Reading your post made me wonder how I would have coped if I were part of a team or office or work force where men made more money and where women would be just grateful for the job they had. I have a feeling I might have spoken up and tried to make some equality happen. 🙂
One of the new rules I should learn (other than being grateful for a few more things) is to “champion each other” and work together to make things happen – I’m still a bit too competitive for that and am often envious of other authors’ succes… I’m trying.
Hi Kathy. Hope all is well. Loved the information about this book. I plan to see out the Young Person’s edition for my granddaughter, both team sports players. I’ve given them the Rebel Girl Bedtime Stories books which chronical 100 extraordinary women past and present. This will be a good addition to their library. You go girl!!
Hi Kate! Me too! I plan to send the young person’s edition to my niece! A couple of years ago I sent the Rebel Girl Bedtime stories as well. I think it is great that there are resources for girls now that weren’t when we were young. Let’s both GO! ~Kathy
I should get this book … for my daughter to read to my granddaughter.
Hi Tom! I so agree. I’m going to be buying it for a couple of my nieces! The reviews on Amazon are positive. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, most women of our generation, and certainly those before us, didn’t have an opportunity to play team sports, as boys did. In fact, we were likely encouraged toward more ‘domestic’ pursuits. I have always believed that having a ‘team’ to both support and rely upon makes a difference in how we view our individual strengths and shortcomings. Boys have had that advantage since time began and it shaped their thinking in ways we could not relate. Today, those lines are being blurred and women are more likely to trust (emphasis on trust) other women to have their backs.
As a Human Resources professional, my job was to hire the most qualified candidate. All things being equal in terms of qualifications, I was fooled sometimes by false bravado. My lesson to my own daughter; when you demand the ball, make sure you are prepared to get it to the goal line.
Hi Suzanne! Thank you so much for bringing up the point that the vast majority of women were not raised playing team sports. And when you think about it, because we weren’t a part of a team working together for a common goal, we don’t always see the significance of what that does over a lifetime. As you say, boys have that advantage and it comes naturally to them. All the women who refused to see the benefits of certain female political candidates for the qualities that they offer was a good example to me–and I can’t tell you the number of times some women have told me how they “disliked” their female boss and preferred a male one. We simply haven’t been taught to work or play with each other toward a common goal that would benefit us all!
And yes about “demanding the ball.” Abby is very clear that if you do demand it, you had better back up your insistence with everything you have. She even added that if you demand it and then fail, that you go out of your way to explain your actions and apologize for not carrying it out. And like you point out, it is a “false bravado” to ask for it when you honestly believe you have what it takes. It’s the false bit that can get you in trouble! Thanks for adding your background and experience to these ideas! ~Kathy
Kathy – you always provide plenty to think about. Thanks! I think I’ve forged my own path but that didn’t come easy. Right now I’m working on championing other women when I can. I’m tired of men being “in charge” of everything. I don’t have a wide sphere of influence, but I try. I think I’ll check out her writing.
Hi Janet! Good for you for taking on the powerful need to champion other women. I can’t help but believe that is one of the best things we can do at our age–to help the women coming after us and help them realize some of the errors we made without even recognizing them. And I don’t think we need a big area of influence. If we can dramatically help just one other person turn her life around, that is powerful. ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – I have heard of Abby, but had not yet read her ‘rules’. They make complete sense to me — especially Rule #4!
Thank you so much for sharing them.
Hi Donna! I think #4 is particularly important because we haven’t been raised to champion each other. Instead, like I said in the post we often see other women as competitors in life (friends and lovers) and certainly in business. But if we can shift our thinking to realizing that women working together are an unstoppable force then we can do just about anything (and that is likely what the patriarchy is afraid of!) ~Kathy
I agree there is a huge shift happening in the world. It sure has taken long enough if you ask me!! I’ve always worked hard and it has irritated me that I wasn’t making as much as my male counterparts.
And I have to say I’m also one of those ones that was raised with all the “old rules”. When I was in the corporate world, it was in a very male dominated industry – oil and gas. I did rise up through the ranks but that was definitely not by being nice. It was difficult at first to adapt however it has served me well over my lifetime. I still find times, though, where I slip into the old rules. It’s a constant work in progress and one definitely worth pursuing full-time.
Thanks for the tips on the podcast. I had never heard of Abby Wambach. This lady is one worth keeping an eye on. She has some very important and life changing ideas. Love the article and the contemplation it’s started with me. ?
Hi Debbie! Wow, I’ll bet things in Oil and Gas really drag along huh? While I’ll bet things still aren’t equal, hopefully there is progress. As far as more of Abby Wambach, you can listen to the podcast or she also did a commencement speech where she first introduced the idea about the Old Rules, New Rules. I too look forward to seeing where she goes from here. And I look forward to reading on your blog if any of your “contemplation” shows up! ~Kathy
Kathy, I really like how you laid out the old rule and then the new rule. I think I continue to live by many of the old rules! Stay on the path, play fair, be grateful. Love the ideas of making your own path, demanding to play, demanding what you deserve. I know while working, when I did try some of this I was the demanding, uncompromising -itch and so went back to the non-demanding rule abider, not realizing the rules for women were different than for men. Definitely putting this book on my to-be-read list! Thanks for sharing.
Hi Pat! I’ll bet in your former profession you ran up against this a lot. Much as we all hope that things are changing, there is still tons of work to be done huh? That’s why I’m planning to give my young nieces the “young person’s edition.” Hopefully by the time they get older they too can help make the change come. ~Kathy
She is such an impressive woman! I remember watching the replay of her when the team won in the Olympics.
Like you, I’m old enough to have been raised to play nice and experienced enough at the professional world to know that playing nice often doesn’t work (or at least doesn’t result in advancement). As long the demand for recognition goes along with the willingness to work just as hard as anyone else, I’m happy with it. (That’s certainly true for her and other women athletes.)
Hi Nancy! Yes when Brene Brown read her bio I knew her name sounded vaguely familiar and I too recall those photos of when the women won at the Olympics. Truly and exciting time. Sadly Abby says that even though the Women’s Soccer Team generates far more money in endorsements, etc., the Men’s Soccer Teams are paid far more. Recently the Women’s team sued the American Soccer League about the issue and still lost. Sometimes the wheels of change turn far more slowly than we want. That’s why it takes all of us to pushing for equality. ~Kahty
Awesome! I got away from Unlocking Us when she switched platforms to Spotify. So I look forward to listening to this episode on my next drive to work. I love Abby and Glennon and all they are standing for right now. So grateful to have them as mentors in raising my own kids.
Hi Mary! Yeah I wondered what happened to Brene’s podcast until I saw that she is mainly now on Spotify. And how great you are willing to use Abby and Glennon’s advice when raising kids. Surely a lot of great advice for us all. ~Kathy
It’s hard to break out of the coding hard-wired into us from day one, being raised in a patriarchal society…but worth the effort. This sounds like a great book. I will look it up. Thanks, Kathy!
Deb
Hi Deb! That’s a good way of putting it “coding hard-wired.” And because it is so much a part of us we often don’t see it until it bites us in the butt. I appreciate how Abby admitted that she never thought that much about it until the end of her career and she realized how instead of retiring to “manage her millions” she had to wonder how she was going to pay her mortgage. And even though she said she was treated well as a woman celebrity, it wasn’t even close to how men are treat with the same celebrity. Definitely time for a change! ~Kathy
That sounds like a really worthwhile book. And I love that she wrote one with younger women/girls in mind too. I wish I had been more vocal and challenging of norms when I was younger but I do feel that I’ve gained confidence as I’ve aged. Have you read Untamed? It is a memoir written by Abby’s wife, Glennon Doyle. She also writes about the importance of fearlessness.
Hi Janis! Yes I am going to get the younger version for a couple of my nieces. Such good advice. And yes to untamed. You probably forgot I wrote a blog post about it a while back. It is ALSO a great book. https://www.smartliving365.com/un-caging-our-inner-cheetah/ ~Kathy
I haven’t read this book or listened to the podcast, but I believe the ideas here are true. There is a shift happening where women are deciding to change the rules and go after what they want and deserve. As more women get their voices into the world, more things will shift. It feels like a good path for all of us!
Hi Michele. Yes to the shift finally taking place! Hopefully it will continue so that daughters today can help to make things more equitable for us all. But I get how hard it is when I am around my little niece who is just about 5. Besides being a bit spoiled (in her great aunt’s opinion 🙂 ) she is also very strong minded and determined about so many things. I find myself wishing she were just a bit “nicer!” I know I KNOW that that is a big part of the problem. Wanting little girls to be nicer. On the other hand the other part of me cheers her on when she gets bossy or determined. Is there a balance? I hope so but I don’t know. But I’m fairly sure that she will be writing a different future for herself than I ever imagined! ~Kathy