Several years ago I wrote a novel entitled Finding Grace. I’d always wanted to write a novel and am quite pleased and proud to have written the type of book I love to read. One of the major characters is an older woman who serves as a life-long mentor to a much younger Grace. I named the elder woman Mrs. Pettermint, with a few quirks to make her interesting. Throughout the book, this wise woman offers her perspective on everything from love, to life, and to healing. And while she didn’t specifically mention Christmas or any of the other holidays celebrated this season, I can easily imagine what she might suggest. Here are five pieces of advice I can almost hear her say to Grace and anyone else who wants to listen.
#1 Don’t COMPARE your holiday traditions or celebrations with any other—real or imagined. As Mrs. Pettermint would be sure to point out, it is so very easy for all of us to imagine the perfect holiday (either from our past, from social media, or from television) and then be stressed or depressed because ours doesn’t even come close. Duh! If your imagination is anything like mine, I can easily imagine the very best. So there is no possible way in the world for real life to duplicate that.
Who hasn’t seen It’s A Wonderful Life or any of those mushy Christmas Movies on The Hallmark Channel where everyone is in love (has the best family ever) and has the most amazing holiday possible in the end? Remember—they are movies—not real life. Or what about remembering and comparing the best Christmas you ever had in the past? Let it go—we can’t go back, and that particular holiday will never happen like that again.
Maybe the best suggestion Mrs. Pettermint would supply in this regard is to make a new memory starting now. Do what feeds your soul. Stay true to yourself. Like a quiet holiday? Make it so. Like a loud and rowdy one? Make it so. Don’t have anyone close to celebrate with? Reach out and find them. Just be true to yourself and stop with the comparison to anyone, any other time, or any other example.
# 2 Never spend more than you can easily afford! Mrs. Pettermint was big into frugal and sustainable living. Using credit to buy things was a big no-no to her. While, comfortable, she was never extravagant even though it is eventually revealed that she could have been. I believe she knew without a doubt that it wasn’t what you could buy or not buy that determines a person’s level of happiness or satisfaction. Instead she always focused on creating meaning and purpose in everything she did.
On the other hand, Grace (Mrs. Pettermint’s mentee) came from a very modest background. Mrs. Pettermint knew that what Grace needed most was a friend who loved her and wanted to spend time with her. Perhaps that is one of the best gifts we can give to anyone—young and old alike.
#3 Go for quality—not quantity. I can’t say that Mrs. Pettermint was into Rightsizing. That 
practice actually came into my life after I wrote my other book on the subject. But I can easily believe that she was a big proponent of quality over quantity. It’s very tempting in our current culture to believe that “more” is always the answer. More presents. More parties. More guests around the dinner table. More everything—regardless of how much it costs or how high the price—in terms of money, time, emotion, or wellbeing.
What if we could instead gently allow the next few weeks to unfold in a very simple and uncomplicated way? And if we really wanted to give a gift—to anyone that is special to us—what if we took the time to just give them one thing deeply meaningful? Why not try that instead of running around making ourselves crazy so we can shower them with a bunch of stuff that they may not even want or need? What if we took the time to spend a few quiet moments with each of our loved ones in the days leading up to the holiday, instead of cramming them all together in one big gathering and then not having any special time with any of them? I’m not sure what the holiday means for anyone other than myself, but I’m pretty sure that Mrs. Pettermint would remind me that it is quality—not quantity.
#4 The “why” behind your actions is far more important than the “what” or the “how”. While I don’t remember Mrs. Pettermint saying this directly in the book, I can guess that she would. While Grace continually asked her for advice, the older woman had a habit of turning it around and asking Grace why she wanted to do something in the first place. For example, instead of being wistful about what wasn’t happening in her life (holiday, finances, friendships, etc.) Mrs. Pettermint would ask her what she hoped to have or be if she had them. In many cases the lack Grace (or anyone of us) feels comes from not feeling fulfilled or loved in some way. That’s when Mrs. Pettermint would guide Grace toward a way to satisfy those needs rather than the obvious. I’m guessing that anytime any of us complain, blame or bemoan a situation it is because a very real need inside of us isn’t being met—and we want someone or something to save us from ourselves. Mrs. Pettermint would have none of that!
#5 It’s the journey—not the destination. That phrase is one of Mrs. Pettermint’s favorite sayings and she repeats it several times to Grace throughout the book. I think it applies equally well for the coming holidays. If we aren’t enjoying and appreciating the days and week’s leading up to whichever holiday we celebrate, then we are missing out on one of the greatest gifts they offer. One specific day in the future isn’t worth the sacrifice of all our happiness, peace of mind and wellbeing every day along the way. Instead, I know Mrs. Pettermint would encourage us to enjoy every moment, every single day as much as we are able.
I wrote the first draft of Finding Grace back in my 40s and wrote it more from Grace’s perspective than anything else. But now that I’m older, I am beginning to feel the benefits that Mrs. Pettermint taught that I could only then imagine. The big one of course, is that I no longer feel the same need to keep up with, or impress, those around me and can instead be true to myself. I’m positive that Mrs. Pettermint would approve of that for me—and for you! I’m guessing she would also believe it is SMART to remember that what makes any holiday special and memorable are the feelings they generate inside each of us. Whatever holiday you celebrate, may those feelings remind you of what you value and hold most dear in the coming days.
Kathy, I didn’t know that you wrote a novel as well as all your other non-fiction books. You are a very committed and productive writer! And, I agree with each of your five points.
Jude
First of all, congratulations on writing a novel. That is not something many of us can do. Writing dialogue to sound natural and figuring out all the plot points takes hard work and careful planning.I checked it out on Amazon and see you received lots of very positive comments. Good for you!
Your fictitious Mrs. Pettermint sounds like a smart lady. Since you created her she can talk about anything you choose. I particularly resonate with #3. We raised our kids with the idea that experiences and family time were the nicest gifts at this time of year. I am happy to report one of my daughters is raising her kids the same way. Quality always beats quantity, whether in gifts, time, or experiences.
Hi Bob! Thank you. I was quite pleased to have accomplished the novel and have kicked around some ideas for another. But it IS a lot of work and takes a lot of time (at least it did me!) so for now I’m just sticking to the blog. And from reading YOUR blog I’m not surprised to know that #3 stands out for you. Actually, that’s why I continue to read your blog because we share a lot of the same thoughts about this and other things. Have a very MERRY Christmas and I look forward to reading about your life in 2020. ~Kathy
very nice post and very detailed about holiday seasons and some tips. Happy holiday for u and your family. Hope you can write great post like this in the future.
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Hi Mona! Not sure what you mean? No one else seems to have any trouble with that? You might have to “refresh” your browser to see new comments but other than that I’m not sure why you’ve had trouble. Sorry about that! ~Kathy
I have to agree with Janis, Kathy! Thanks for posting Mrs. Pettiment’s sage advice! So needed these days! Since we have opted to travel south for the last 10 years to be with family in San Diego, the pressure and unrealistic expectations have gotten worse in the last 4 years. More of our family is scattering although 4 of 5 kids are all there. Last year, Christmas day was such a mess, that I grumbled to my oldest daughter that we weren’t coming the next year and instead going to Germany. Well, guess what? She took that idea and she and her boyfriend are spending two weeks in Germany and Switzerland for Christmas. Good for her, I say! When my brother moved away, our family home is not available for us to stay in. This year and last year, Hans and I pulled the trailer and this year we will happily park it in my daughter’s driveway and sleep there with the dogs like we do at the delta. I can’t wait to try this tactic. As much as I love our families I can’t wait til we head to the Phoenix area for a sort of do-over road trip. No pressure and expectations unless of our own making. I hope you and Thom have a wonderful Christmas and holiday and enjoy the start to 2020!
Hi Terri! I think many of us find ourselves at that pivotal point where we stop and ask ourselves, “Is this REALLY the way I want to celebrate?” Good for you for raising the question to your daughter and then encouraging her to do it! May we all find the courage to “rightsize” our holidays. Have a wonderful time during your trip with no pressure or unwanted expectations. May your Christmas be equally magical and your 2020 lead to even greater happiness! ~Kathy
Mrs. Pettermint was a sage crone.
Hi Mona, YES! At least as well as I was able to imagine her. May we all find one when we are young and become one when we get older? ~Kathy
Your Mrs, Pettermint sounds pretty perfect in her approach to life. I wish she could be the mentor of everyone! 🙂 But, then the economy would crumble. That’s what I tell myself when wondering why not more people care less about buying stuff. Yep, if everyone would be like Mark and me, the economy would fail! 🙂
It’s a shame that this time of the year is so overwhelming and stressful for so many people. Mostly because of modern times and the need to compare and get or give more and do better. Everyone should just relax and be happy about spending time with their family and loved ones. And, sharing good food and conversations. Those would be the highlights for me this season.
Happy holidays to you and Thom! Not sure what we will be doing over Christmas. Hopefully not spend the night on a Walmart parking lot (which has happened in the past).
Hi Liesbet! Another lovely thing about Mrs. Pettermint was that she was humble and kind. She’d be the last one to admit to being wish or having a “perfect” approach to life. That’s a big reason why I agree she would be an excellent mentor to everyone! And yes, like you say, it would be hard on the economy! I think she’d also agree that spending time with friends and family AND sharing good food and conversation would be a highlight. Sounds good to me too! Happy Holiday season to you, Mark and Maya, no matter where you are! ~Kathy
Mrs. Pettermint was very wise. This season has always (at least in modern times) been one of stress and unrealistic expectations. Now with social media, including Pinterest, Facebook, and Instagram adding even more pressure to make everything PERFECT, I imagine many people are feeling overwhelmed. I have found that the less we participate (which, afterall, is optional) in the hype, the more we enjoy the festivities. Feliz Navidad and best wishes to you and Thom for a 2020 full of joy.
Hi Janis! Well said. I agree with your thoughts that “the less we participate in the hype, the more we enjoy the festivities.” For me it is being picky about what I say yes too and when I do say yes, enjoying that as much as possible. And yes! Feliz Navidad to you and Paul! ~Kathy
Yes I remember and loved your book “Finding Grace”.
“I know Mrs. Pettermint would encourage (Grace and ) us to enjoy every moment, every single day as much as we are able.”
Easily we move through these holidays…
Hi Gary! I think you are one of the very few people who have actually read ALL of my books…well maybe not the real estate one–but certainly all the others. Thank you so much for all your support during the years. May we both continue to remember how precious our friendship is AND how important every day is too! ~Kathy
Kathy, I think Mrs. Pettermint and I would be good friends. I like her approach to the Holidays and wish I had embraced her wisdom earlier in life. Wise words.
Hi Suzanne! When I was writing the book the thought that Mrs. Pettermint would make the very best kind of friend is something that guided me. Thanks for pointing that out. And while many of us got “sucked” into the holiday frenzy when we were younger, I’m seeing more and more of us pause and reconsider what the holiday season really means to us. Better late than never huh? ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
Wise words, indeed. And why did it take me so long to embrace them?
Joyous holidays to you and your family,
Nancy
Hi Nancy! Thank you. And as for me…I’m still a work in progress. 🙂 The good news is that I’m so much better than I used to be. And may you and your family have a very Merry and Happy Christmas! ~Kathy
Kathy you are so accomplished, you wrote a novel! Since I don’t celebrate Christmas but many of my friends do as well as my husband’s family I only grasp the situation by observation not participation.
Hi Haralee! hahaha…well I have put out quite a few books but I have never thought of myself as “accomplished” 🙂 But thank you for that! And while I know you don’t celebrate Christmas you do have a bunch of special days in the next couple of weeks, so whatever you celebrate I trust it is filled with everything that matters to you! ~Kathy
So many wise words Kathy – and I agree with all of them. Mrs Pettermint obviously spoke from experience. My post on Monday reflects some of what she advocates and as the years go by I’m finding that reducing expectations, focusing on family, being happy to compromise, and allowing Christmas to be about love and presence (not presents) is definitely the key to making special memories. Happy Christmas! x
Hi Leanne! Thanks! I will make sure to pop over and check out your post on Monday. I know I am (and I’ll bet you are too) are “preaching to the choir” on this but I think it is important to remind each other and put the message out there that what really matters to us each is why we should celebrate. May you and your family have amazing holiday too! ~Kathy