A new popular book on Amazon is titled, Desperate: Hope For the Mom Who Needs To Breathe. And although I’m sure that young moms sometimes feel desperate and need hope and encouragement, don’t we all now and then–especially at midlife? So although I’m not a professional, I came up with five big issues that could trigger desperation for those of us in our midlife years, along with some possible solutions for helping us get through it and not only breathe, but thrive.
- Aging. A big issue facing everyone at some point in our lives is aging. And while not all of us feel desperate about it, the news and the media in general are filled with ways some people struggle to cope. I live near Palm Springs, CA where the evidence that some people (women and men alike) are desperate to stay young is rampant. Shiny-tight faces, trendy clothing, plastic surgery for every part of the body, all prove that money can buy just about everything except true youth. Ultimately we have a choice. Either we struggle our entire lives fighting the inevitable refusing to see the benefits, or we find a way to accept aging as an unfolding gift only granted to those of us who live long enough to experience it.
Aging Coping Strategy: While my strategy might not work for everyone, I decided some time ago that I wasn’t going to compete with youth. In other words, I was going to love and accept myself as I am at any age. Once we switch our attention away from glorifying the young or even our youthful selves, we can often start embracing all the benefits. Sure I’m challenged with certain situations and circumstances that happen as a by-product of my age, but I have the ability to decide if those outweigh the benefits. We all do. Remind yourself constantly that aging well and loving your life is a choice we can all make.
- Ill-Health. While health obstacles can approach us at any age, they often take on steam at midlife. How do we deal with it? If we look around it’s likely we can see examples of how others our age are either handling it gracefully or freaking out and desperate. I clearly remember a time years ago when I heard my parents and some of their friends doing an “organ-recital.” You know what those are right? When people start talking about their aches, pains, doctor’s visits, tests and diagnoses as though it were a competition to one-up each other. At the time I told myself I would “Never, ever do that!” But you know what? It is easier said than done. Whenever any of us faces a health challenge, and yes the more people you know the more it’s likely, then chances are good that health challenges will be some part of the conversation at midlife.
Ill-Health Coping Strategy: We all want to be kind and helpful to others, especially those we care about. Unfortunately, if we aren’t cautious we will find ourselves sucked into the sometimes-desperate situations of others–even those we have no control over. Being open about ways we can help, and equally honest about ways that we can’t, will help in the long run. I tend to believe that helping others is important when possible, but draw the line if it requires that any of us turn over our entire lives and wellbeing in sacrifice.
But what about when the ill health is our own? Just about everyone I know says they never want to be a burden to others, especially those we love. But what happens if we are desperate and really need help? Maybe bringing up the topic with a select few we know care and are able to help in the first place, not just anyone we meet at the grocery store or over cocktails. After all, if we share our deepest concerns with those we don’t know well or who are ultimately unable to be of much help, we are probably just looking for sympathy or attention. Much better to explain our needs honestly to those who have the capacity to truly help, and then find our own inner-strength to face the issue for ourselves.
- Loneliness or Severed Relationships. No matter what your age, relationships matter. However at midlife I think they take on increased importance. That’s because study after scientific study shows that having strong social connections are critical for a long and happy life. In addition I think midlife makes it clearer that quality is more important than quantity. But unless we’re careful, it is far too easy to allow loneliness to creep in by letting old friends drop away or distancing yourself those that used to be close.
Relationship Coping Strategy: No matter what our age, and especially midlife, we must continue to reach out and make strong connections with other like-minds. As Dr. Sanjay Grupta said in an interview last year, “If our relationships can have such an effect on our overall health, why don’t we prioritize spending time with the people around us as much as we do exercising and eating right?”
But what if it is your own family/friends that are making you desperate? Because I don’t have kids I have the advantage/disadvantage of knowing that I must reach out and make my own friendships and connections, regardless of blood. Plus, in my world, friendship and love should always be a two-way street. The best advice I ever heard in this regard is, “Be the kind of friend you always wished you had.”
- Money. Money problems that can arise at midlife usually come from a limited income, overwhelming debt, uncontrolled spending, or large unexpected expenses due to health, family or catastrophe. Yet, when those issues make us desperate it’s likely because we’ve allowed ourselves to believe that money is the answer to everything. Whenever we allow our wellbeing to tie itself to how much money we have or what we can buy, we are setting ourselves up for a time when that will no longer be enough.
Money Coping Strategy: The best strategy is to remember that what we really seek when we strive for more stuff or material wealth is the freedom and peace of mind that we think all that money will provide. One cure is to live below our means and do everything possible to become debt free. Ultimately it is best to remember that while money can definitely help to ease some of life’s challenges, it is only a means to an end, never the end itself.
- Purpose/Meaning. Although I didn’t read it, the book I mentioned above about moms and overcoming desperation seems to suggest that the biggest solution lies in religion or faith. And while I agree that one’s church can provide a comfort to some, I think the motivation behind what we all seek is to find purpose and meaning for our lives. We all want to matter and to believe our presence here at this time is more than just a random act of chance. Time and time again the world’s teachers, guides and sages have pointed out that an essential element of a life at all stages is one of purpose and meaning.
Purpose/Meaning Coping Strategy: Millions of ancient texts and philosophies have pointed out that being of service, contributing to others, living full-out, unleashing our passions, and loving others are all keys to a life of purpose and meaning. The thing is–we have to do the action. One thing I know for sure, purpose and meaning is NOT about accumulating stuff or even people, it’s about living the unique expression of who we are from the core of our being. Of course that’s my interpretation. To really cope at midlife, we all have to take the time to find our own answers to the question.
As I said above, I didn’t read the book about how young moms ought to survive desperation. But after spending several days thinking about it, I can’t help but believe that maybe feeling desperate isn’t as bad a thing as we usually think. Is it possible that desperation is just a wake-up call to show us what we’ve neglected in the past or how we’ve gotten off track? What if desperation is our soul’s prodding to discover why we are here, what we have to offer the world and how well we are doing on that path? One thing is for sure, at the very end of my life I don’t want to look back with regret, or to feel that I never got a chance to do, be, or experience what I know deep in my heart is what life is all about. In fact, maybe that is a SMART coping strategy for us all.
Photo Credit: Fickr Creative Commons
One thing I’ve learned about purpose and meaning is that we can (and I did) spend a lot of time reflecting and/or ruminating on what our life’s purpose is, and how we should “get there.” The answer doesn’t usually come in a tidy package with a neatly tied bow. I’ve learned that simply by taking action on things I’m curious about or interested in, or trying new things spontaneously, I keep discovering more about what at my core is purposeful to my existence. It has taken a lot of pressure off regarding “finding it.”
Thank you for another great post, Kathy!!
Hi Laura! Thanks so much for adding this important aspect about purpose and meaning to the mix. I completely agree that it doesn’t have to be some HUGE edict from above–sometimes it is the passion of exploring new things or being at the right place at the right time meeting the right person. Staying curious and following our heart is usually a big key like you say. But there is a bit of a paradox to it because while you don’t want to stress yourself out not finding it, their are many downsides (IMHO) to not having one or two. Best to seek out and grab ahold of those lifelines wherever we find them. ~Kathy
Great tips on growing old graciously which I intend to do. Quality connections with friends and family are too important to be taken for granted and they make the journey more enjoyable and fulfilling.
Hi Agric! Thanks….I think we all have a choice in this. Keeping in mind what is most important is a key. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, You hit all the major points that we are all constantly thinking about as we grow older. Living in Los Angeles, it’s similar to Palm Springs in that women, especially and some men are finding the need to plasticize their faces and bodies to the point of not being recognizable. It’s scary sometimes. They look like aliens.
It’s particularly important to maintain connection with others because it’s so easy to become isolated especially with so many of us online.
Great post!
Hi Rebecca! Thanks for confirming that these issues are ones most of us face eventually! And while I think we all want to look as good as we can no matter what our age, some people take that to such an extreme that it makes you wonder what they are attempting to erase? And I also can’t help but think that the attempt to overly focus on our appearance is one way to avoid the other four issues that I list. I’m the sort of person who likes to face things head-on rather than avoid issues (in case you hadn’t guessed that about me!) so obviously I’m a cheerleader for that. Thanks for stopping by and sharing you thoughts on this! ~Kathy
Great Post Kathy. I just wrote a blog on aging too. I love your line,”we find a way to accept aging as an unfolding gift only granted to those of us who live long enough to experience it.” The desperation aspect is very interesting and again you give some sage words.
Hi Haralee! I think we all need to constantly remind ourselves that aging is a gift so the more posts that we can write and read about it from a positive perspective are good. While I do appreciate those who can communicate in a humorous way, (not one of my best qualities!) in some ways even that makes the process appear undesirable. Feeling gratitude and empowerment are so-o-o much better IMHO! Let’s keep it up right? Thanks for your thoughts, as always. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy !
This is a great post and I found it very true and relevant today. I agree with all the 5 points you mentioned. It is so important to accept one’s own ageing process, its so common to find some people, in mid-life still lying about their age, s they do not want to grow old… I am glad to grow old gracefully. Health, relationships, money and finding meaning and purpose for our being on earth is all very important, and thanks for giving coping strategies for each one. I feel blessed to find myself healthy, having great relationships and of course to have enough money to live a decent life and the motivation to keep finding meaning and purpose in everything …. thanks for sharing your experience and I enjoyed reading this post.
Hi G Angela! I’ve always believed that being open and transparent about the issues in our lives that are important and relevant the most “healthy” thing we can do for ourselves. While my short list might not be all of them, they hopefully are a start and got people thinking. Thanks as always for your input. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy. I have just gone through your subject blog post. I fully appreciate your article by saying “Simply superb”. The middle age rader can be more enlightened after going through the elobrated strategies expressed by you and the commments of the worthy readers.
Hi MD….glad you liked them and am hoping they helped you and everyone think about the stages in your life. ~Kathy
Kathy,
Very thoughtful post and I think you hit it dead on. Planning ahead, living simply, communication with those you care about and who care about you and making the effort to achieve your dreams if reasonable are what makes for a mostly drama-free life and therefore less desparation. Great post, loved it!
Hi Lydia! Glad you liked this one. I realize the definition of “desperate” is different for us all but who among us can’t use support and reminders about what’s important? Thanks so much for your comment. ~Kathy
At any age we can become desperate to breath, I know to a new mother it seems like the hardest thing in the world, but it probably the easiest (besides lack of sleep). You need to lead your life, not let life lead you I think. As you can see I’m getting caught up today, I’ve been gone for the last couple of weeks.
Hi Rena! Good for you for even trying to get caught up! I think you must follow and read more blogs than I do so I can’t imagine how you can get it all done. And the perfect response to that is when you said, “You need to lead your life, not let life lead you I think.” As always, it’s nice to hear your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
You sure packed a lot into this one post to think about. I too have embraced whatever age I am instead of trying to chase youth. While I still get the offhanded comment from old friends about needing to color my hair, I get just as many complements on my hair and a few who ask me if it’s natural or did I dye it to have that grey look. 🙂
Hi Lois! I’ll bet we all approach the age issue a bit differently depending upon our focus (could that go back to the prevention vs promotion idea in the last post?) I do still color my hair because I have always been drawn to lighter colors and am convinced (for some reason) that gray on my complexion would wash me out. Plus it isn’t too much of a hassle and doesn’t cost me much so as long as that works for me I will likely continue. I think we all have to find our way through the experience in a way that is in harmony with our own self imagine and lifestyle. And when I think about it, all five of my “midlife issues” are the same. I think the worst thing about them is when we are afraid to talk about them or pretend they aren’t issues to begin with. Us bloggers are fortunate that we can address them as much as we need to and not let them ever overwhelm or make us desperate. Thanks as always for your thoughts. ~Kathy
You have some good points here Kathy. The majority of women in my circle are so concerned with their appearances and the obsession with keeping themselves looking young that they are forgetting to stop and smell the roses and enjoy the many benefits of what being older brings.
Hi Kathy M! I know I write about this often but I find it so helpful to remind myself (and hopefully anyone who reads my blog posts) that things really can be good and get better as we age. Thanks for confirming that for me! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy – another fabulous post! I love what you write and every.single.point. was spot on. Getting older is definitely about finding our purpose and sharing with and serving others. Being debt free is also a really important thing to strive for so we can get rid of the grip money has on us. Wonderful and thoughtful advice (as usual!) ~ Leanne 🙂
Hi Leanne! Thank YOU! I love your blog too and don’t we both raise lots of the same questions? One of the things I like best about blogging is finding and connecting with others who are walking a similar path. Thanks as always for your comment. ~Kathy
Great tips for coping with getting older! I think I have the hardest time with #1 and I appreciate your decision to no longer compete with youth. We certainly can’t win physically, but I’m much more at peace mentally now. I’m not thrilled with my wrinkles, but I’d take them over all the angst and insecurity any day!
Hi Janis! Yay! I’m happy to see that you got the Comment Luv to work for you because I wasn’t getting any closer to figuring it out myself. And I’m glad you found my tips helpful and yes, I so agree that we don’t have to be “happy” about wrinkles but it sure beats the “angst and insecurity” that fighting them can bring on. May we all learn to graciously continue to live our best lives possible. ~Kathy
Wonderful post, Kathy! You raise so many great point! Thank you for sharing this with us. Have a great weekend.
Hi Amy! I’m glad you like this post and hope that it reminded you of ways we can all dream, imagine, believe and achieve! ~Kathy
I think desperation is a call to change something in our life. Great post, Kathy. These tips are awesome for us aging moms 🙂
Hi Lisa! I think that the more we talk about these issues the easier it is for us to work them through. And I’ve always believed that doing it together is a benefit. Thanks for your comment. ~Kathy
When I read the title of this post I’ll admit, I was a bit judgmental about those who experience desperation. Maybe I associate it with weakness, which is completely wrong, but I’m being honest. As I continued to read, I recalled many of my own life experiences that resulted in desperation, but I often denied it, in an attempt to appear strong. Your final paragraph is especially thought provoking. Your conclusion that desperate times may serve as “wake-up calls” or “our soul’s prodding” gives hope that going through difficulty often results in something positive. Thank you.
Hi Pam! Yes I too thought the title of the book I mentioned talking to moms to be a bit provocative. What do we mean by desperation? What did I mean by it? I think how and when we use that word can be VERY different. I know some amazing women who have faced incredible challenges and managed to handle it gracefully, others can be knocked over by the slightest breeze. But then I think all of us face challenges where we feel stuck with limited options and that is really what I hoped to communicate. And yes, if we can see them as something more in the big picture like a wake-up call, then how can even our most desperate times not be positive in the long run. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. ~Kathy
Thanks for your thoughtful post. At age 54, I must confess that I struggle with getting older and most of it is superficial. I am in good health but don’t like seeing what age is doing to my body and face – wrinkles, cellulite, weight around the middle, etc. It’s time for me to just get over it and accept what is.
Other than that, I’m loving my life as a mother with children getting older and that means I have lots of freedom. My kids are doing well, my parents are alive, and I’m in a great relationship with a man who loves me.
It’s what you choose to focus on that decides your happiness.
Hi Cheryl! Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience about this. I do think the age thing is particularly troublesome for us women because of our culture’s obsession with youth….but certainly the sooner we can think t though and do what you say, “accept what is,” the better for us in the long run. And it sounds like in many ways your life is very good right now. Any time we can focus on the good instead of the other “stuff” the better! Thanks again for your comment. ~Kathy