My husband Thom had a rather cantankerous relationship with his mother. Bert, short for Roberta, had a very strong need for approval, especially from others. That led her to working every day to make Thom the perfect child. Unfortunately, the more she tried, the more rebellious he became. But even then, something she did do for him was to plant an extremely powerful seed in his mind. Ironically, rather than tell him directly, he overheard her saying it to a neighbor. That seed, that statement was, “Thom can do anything he sets his mind to.” Not only did that seed sprout and take root, it’s been a guiding principal in his life. And I’d bet, when you think about it, most of us live our entire lives based upon what we’ve set our mind to be, do, or have. Regrettably, many of us ignore the power of that set point as well as our ability to adjust it in a positive way by design.
Because I write so much about maintaining a positive attitude and happiness, I frequently hear from others that suggest that it is easy for me because I have such a great life. But from my perspective, a big reason why I have such a great life is exactly because that is what “I’ve made up my mind” to have. While that might sound like bragging or even being delusional, I am actually just following in the footsteps of Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln is reported to have said, “Folks are usually about as happy as they make up their mind to be.”
And Lincoln should know. In case you’ve forgotten, Lincoln had a very tumultuous life. History shows that Lincoln battled with sadness and depression his entire life. Not only did he fail in two business ventures, he lost a number of elections for public office, including the Vice-Presidency. His mother and sister died when he was young and his first fiancée died before they were married. Following that he had a nervous breakdown and was bed-ridden for six months. When he eventually did marry his wife had four children with only one of them living to maturity. Yet in spite of all that loss and challenge he was able to say that we can be as happy as we make up our mind to be.
In case you’re wondering, Lincoln wasn’t the only person who said something along these lines. Here are a few other quotes from others that show the power of making up our minds to be happy.
“Make up your mind to be happy. Learn to find pleasure in simple things.” ~Robert Louis Stevenson
“You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. Remember, fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind.” ~Dale Carnegie
“It is your choice to be happy. Make up your mind to enjoy this day, to have a blessed, prosperous, victorious year. You may have some setbacks and your circumstances may change but don’t let that change your mind. Keep it set to happiness.” ~Joel Osteen
“It’s been my experience that you can nearly always enjoy things if you make up your mind firmly that you will.” ~Lucy Maud Montgomery
“If you want to be sad, no one in the world can make you happy. But if you make up your mind to be happy, no one and nothing on earth can take that happiness from you.” ~Paramhansa Yogananda
Okay, so say you agree with me and others that we all have the power to make up our mind to be happy. Why don’t we? What keeps many of us from making this choice every single moment? I think the most obvious excuse comes from a guy named Robert Breault who said, “It’s hard to make up your bed while you’re still sleeping on it. Hard to make up your mind for the same reason.”
Accepting that, here are five things that I think are necessary to help us make up our mind to be happy:
1) Stay Present And Mindful. Most of us are pretty sloppy with our thoughts. Like the blowing wind, we allow circumstances and distractions to take our thoughts in every direction nearly every moment of the day. As author and Harvard Happiness Expert Daniel Gilbert says in his book, Stumbling on Happiness:
“People spend 46 percent of their waking hours thinking about something other than what they’re doing, and this mind-wandering typically makes them unhappy… ‘Mind-wandering is an excellent predictor of people’s happiness,’ Killingsworth says. ‘In fact, how often our minds leave the present and where they tend to go is a better predictor of our happiness than the activities in which we are engaged.’… Time-lag analyses conducted by the researchers suggested that their subjects’ mind-wandering was generally the cause, not the consequence, of their unhappiness.”
2) Train Your Thoughts It is very popular to get enough exercise and eat in a way that keeps a person healthy. But some people are far less discriminating about doing what it takes to train their mind and keep it healthy and happy. Sounds simple, right? But as author Anne Lamont says:
“Try looking at your mind as a wayward puppy that you are trying to paper train. You don’t drop-kick a puppy into the neighbor’s yard every time it piddles on the floor. You just keep bringing it back to the newspaper.”
3) Pay Attention To Your Self-Talk Most of us would never, ever say certain things to people we care about. Yet, without even noticing, we often say some of the harshest and unkind things to ourselves over and over again. Anytime we put our negative emotions like fear and anger into words in our mind, we are feeding ourselves a toxic waste that destroys our happiness. Like sports star David James said:
“Be mindful of your self-talk. It’s a conversation with the universe.”
4) Hang Out With The Right People I think we all intuitively know that the people who we spend the most time with have the power to influence both our health and our happiness. Research is going even further now by proving that it happens even with the friends of the friends we hang out with. If you want to make up your mind to be happier, then be very picky about the people you hang out with. As Mark Twain said:
“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you too, can become great. When you are seeking to bring plans to fruition, it is important who you regularly associate. Hang out with friends who are like-minded and who are also designing purpose-filled lives. Similarly, be that kind of a friend for your friends.”
5) Stay Focused And Determined To Be Happy ~ I realize that some of us have it easier than others to make up our mind about happiness. But instead of comparing our lives to those of us who have it easier, how about we take a look at all of those who have faced and triumphed over challenges much harder than ours and won. It is possible if we take the time, and if you’re anything like me, I find that very inspiring. I’m like everyone else—I can complain or whine about some of the pain I’ve had in my life or I can make up my mind to create the life I want. As George Bernard Shaw said:
“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can’t find them, make them.”
Starting today, I am going to do my best to make up my mind to be happy no matter what. That doesn’t mean I’m condoning bad actions or that I won’t stay actively engaged at working to create a better world. But what it does mean is that in spite of any circumstances I am going to act as though happiness, hope and possibility are available to each and every one of us. Plus, as Earl Nightingale said, “We are all self-made, but only the successful will admit it.” Just remember it’s SMART to realize that every single one of us can set our mind to anything. Choose wisely.
This is such a great and inspiring post for me. Thank you for sharing this with us. I am very happy to be here reading your post.
This post is so timely for me, Kathy! I’m late to read it because I was at a retreat in Lake Tahoe. The subject of self-talk came up and lots of discussion why women seem to talk so negatively about themselves. That is a wonderful quote from Abe!!
Hi Terri! Oh I look forward to hearing a blog post from you about your retreat. If they talked about how instrumental our self-talk is to our wellbeing I’ll bet it was a good one. Let’s all remember to make sure our self talk and setting our mind to what we want to experience today! ~Kathy
Your point is so important — it doesn’t matter so much if you’re rich or poor, successful or not, that has little to do with whether or not you’re happy. It’s all in your mind … and maybe in your social connections.
Hi Tom! Thanks! I know this idea isn’t “original” but I think most of us can appreciate the reminder. The more we keep reminding each other, no matter what’s going on, the better huh? ~Kathy
The wisest lesson I’ve learnt in my years is hanging out with the right people! Not everyone deserves your company and not everyone is good for you sadly.
Choose wisely when it comes to people….
Hi Maurice! Thanks for your insight on this and how it has helped you. I think learning and accepting that everyone is just doing the best they can, BUT that you don’t have to be around them if it doesn’t support you, is so very valuable indeed. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. ~Kathy
What a wonderful post, Kathy. I’ve been happy for a few decades now, but a regular mindfulness practice in the past two years has increased my happiness in ways I never expected. After all, the only joy to be found is in this moment…the past is just a memory, and the future is uncertain, so any joy we can experience is in the now.
I have also discovered that mindfulness has improved my relationship with my wife. We are more present with each other, more compassionate, and help keep each other in the present moment.
I love your analogy of a puppy in training – I’m going to share that one with my high school students, who I’ve been practicing mindfulness with for the past two years.
Thank you, as always, for sharing your insight and your clear communication.
Hi Jamie! Thank you for sharing how mindfulness has helped you increase your positive intentions for your future. And how wonderful that you are able to share what you’ve learned and practiced with students! I’ll be that they will love the idea about the puppy. It would be great if we all could be that gentle, loving BUT persistent with ourselves and everyone we care about, huh? ~Kathy
Oh my, this post resonates with me. Thom’s mom sounds like my own. She once berated me with – You make me so mad. You make up your mind to do something and then you do it! I’v learned to change the tapes in my head to more positive self-talk, something my mama hasn’t learned yet. I work at being my own best friend. I sometimes ask myself what I would do if I were dealing with a friend, then do that for myself. I like what you say about focusing on hope, happiness and possibility. There’s poor, when you are short of resources then there are the poor, poor who are short of hope, happiness and possibility.
Hi Mona! So glad to hear that you too have been able to learn something so important from your mom–even if it was what “not to do!” It sounds like you’ve learned one of the most important lessons of all–how to be your own best friend. I too completely agree that the greatest “wealth” comes from a knowing that life is and ongoing process of hope, happiness and possibility. Thank you for letting me know that this post resonated with you! ~Kathy
Kathy, all your posts are upbeat and affirming, but I think this is one of your best in terms of motivation and inspiration. Having come from a family that defaulted to blaming others for their own bad choices, I’ve worked hard to adopt a positive outlook and take ownership of my happiness. With the exception of folks who have legitimate mental health issues for which medication is necessary, being happy really IS a choice. Thank you for sharing your SMARTS with us!
Hi Roxanne! I love that statement, “take ownership of my happiness.” There is probably an entire blog post around that idea alone. Shoot, maybe even a book. I think that is an awesome way to describe what the process looks like. Like Lynne Spreen mentioned about her mom, she is doing whatever it takes to create a good life for herself. Like you brought up, she isn’t blaming anyone else for how she is addressing life. May we all have the focus and desire to do the same–no matter what! Thanks for your thoughts. ~Kathy
What a motivational post, Kathy. My mom is almost 92, and she exemplifies this POV. She needs knee surgery, but can’t have it due to health issues. So she is condemned to live with her knee joints grinding against each other at any time she moves around. Pain meds aren’t perfect; they challenge your organs and she would be less alert and energetic than she likes. So she has to live with it; in order to live a full life, constant depressing pain is part of the equation.
She employs various strategies, but they all come under the umbrella of making up her mind to be a certain way. Sometimes she cries in frustration, but a lot of the time she cooks, gardens, does crafts with friends, goes to church, drives to the store, and visits with her kids, grands, and great grands. She is such a huge inspiration. As are you. Thanks.
Hi Lynne! What a perfect story. Your mom sounds like an incredible woman. It surely isn’t easy to walk in her shoes but what is the alternative. While it might be tempting to give in to the pain or sadness around us–and sometimes that is the right reaction–but to “live” there on an ongoing basis resigns us to an unhappy and miserable life. Good for you for recognizing the power that your mom shows you all the time. ~Kathy
Great tips, Kathy! I have also found yoga to be very helpful in reducing ‘mind-wandering’.
Hi Donna! Yes to yoga! I agree that it another excellent way to train our thoughts and control that puppy! ~Kathy
I have always love the quote from Lincoln… so true. Your other points resonate too, but I have to admit, some of my happiest moments come when I let my inner puppy loose!
I think that is a terrific thing your husband overheard. Great points and quotes.
I had a summer job where the manager was very hostile to me. Rolled off my back because I knew it was a short lived stint. She tried to commit suicide. When she came back right before I quit she apologized to me. She said her resentment towards me was because I just seemed happy everyday and she was jealous because she was so unhappy. A real example of what unhappiness can do. She was in therapy and I moved so never knew what became of her.
Hi Haralee! Thank you for pointing out that when people are hostile to our happiness there is a good chance that they are suffering from sort of pain or another and that their response to us is about them–not about us. And like Abraham-Hicks constantly says, “A person can’t get unhappy enough to make unhappy people happy.” In other words, it really isn’t our “job” to be responsible for other people’s happiness. Even if we want to help, chances are that we will be far more effective if we come from a place of wellbeing ourselves. Thank you for sharing your story with us and so glad you didn’t let her get to you! ~Kathy
Love the details about Lincoln’s Life. I am eager to read a new fiction account entitled LINCOLN IN THE BARDO.
Hi Beth! Yes he really did have amazing resilience and fortitude! And I’ve heard good things about the book. You’ll have to let me know what you think. ~Kathy
We are so on the same track, Kathy! And yep, this takes practice, so I too loved the quote about training the puppy. And quite apropos to my life right now 🙂 But all so true!
This one is what really got me though: ” “We are all self-made, but only the successful will admit it.” Ahhh! Now that’s an intriguing thought!
Hi Susan! I know you and I write about many of the same things huh? And I KNEW that puppy quote would appeal to you with all the puppies in your house. And I agree that remembering that we are all “self-made” (good AND less than…) is something to remember. ~Kathy
Great quotes, but the one about training the puppy really spoke to me! Anyone whose ever tried to train a puppy (or child, for that matter) will relate! Thanks, Kathy!
Hi Diane! Glad you liked the quotes. And yes, that puppy one is a great metaphor for our monkey mind (or at least my monkey mind!) Thanks for checking in! ~Kathy