I think if you ask most people, they will agree that being happy is more important than being right. But if that’s true, why do so many of us, me included, frequently choose the opposite? For the most part, we hang on to our ideas, beliefs and perceptions as though our lives depended upon them. Even when it is a relatively minor point like what toothpaste to buy, many of us will clutch our opinions like dogs with a bone. Unfortunately, it is easy to see that the more that we insist we are right, the more we alienate others, frustrate ourselves, stymie our growth, restrict our ability to change, and cut ourselves off from our true nature. So I decided during 2015 as part of my 60-for-60 project, to take a look in the mirror and do my best to let go of being so attached to be right—starting now.
Where does it begin? I think most of us (at least in Western cultures) learned somewhere in childhood that being right was a good way to get love, attention, and reward. Instead of encouraging us to enjoy the process of learning, the majority of our school systems are set up so that being right is “good”, and being wrong is “bad.” At some point, I learned that when I had the correct answer to my teacher’s questions, I stood out in a positive way. If I was mistaken or simply didn’t know, I was ignored or even ridiculed. We all were. That’s why it didn’t take most of us long to realize that being right was a path to love, acceptance and attention.
It only gets worse as we age. If we work hard to absorb the “right” knowledge and then define ourselves as someone who “knows” such things, we get more and more attached to what we know as “right”. Along the way we begin connecting our identity, our sense of safety, meaning, and our ability to control the unexpected, as it merges with our knowing of what’s right as opposed to anything that doesn’t fit our mold.
Of course, the more solidified our thinking becomes, the more difficult it is for us to even be aware of what we are doing. As Kathryn Schultz, author of Being Wrong says, we all fall victim to “error blindness.” In other words, we can’t see anything that doesn’t fit into our perception of the world and ourselves. As Schultz goes on to say, “The miracle of your mind isn’t that you can see the world as it is—but that you can see the world as it isn’t.” And we all do this every day all the time. The biggest problem of course is that we forget we are literally “making things up” and insist that others agree with us.
How do we continue to reinforce our own rightness? Shultz explains it by saying that we first confront people who refuse to believe what we’ve come to think of as fact, by believing they are just ignorant. Surely if they had the same facts as us they would agree we are right? If they don’t change and still don’t recognize our “rightness,” we begin to think of them as idiots. Finally, if they still insist on believing something different from what we know to be right and true, then we surrender to the idea that they are just plain evil. Admit it. Chances are good you’ve thought those things too.
That reminds me of a story I heard from a friend. My friend who I’ll call Nancy was at the airport before her flight when it was announced that her flight would be delayed. Trying to make the best of it, Nancy went to the airport store and purchased a water and a small bag of Famous Amos Chocolate Chip Cookies. She jammed them in her oversized purse and then went and found a seat, got settled with a book, and began reading.
Almost immediately a man came and sat right next to her in spite of the fact there were plenty of other seats nearby. Nancy did her best to just ignore him and kept on reading. But to her amazement, the man grabbed her bag of Famous Amos cookies sitting on the ledge between their chairs, opened the bag, and started to pull one out. Seeing her surprised look, the man actually paused, extended the bag in her direction, and offered her one of her own cookies!
Nancy didn’t trust herself enough to say anything she was so riled up. So pursing her lips, Nancy quickly reached into the bag, grabbed one of her cookies and immediately returned to reading her book as she angrily munched away. From the corner of her eye she could see the man shrug and then grab his own cookie before gazing out at the throngs of people passing by. Before long, he reached back into the bag, pulled out another cookie for himself and once again extended the bag in her direction as an offering. And so it went without a word between them. One by one they both ate through her bag of cookies, with her seething with indignation, and him remaining nonchalantly calm and detached. Finally, the man crumpled up the bag, nodded his head in her direction before rising and walking down the terminal.
Nancy was furious. No wonder the world was in such a bad state! Not only had a man basically stolen her cookies right in front of her, he didn’t even have the courtesy to thank her for them. Realizing her anger and the cookies had made her thirsty. Nancy reached inside her bag and her hand closed around, not the bottle of water, but a bag of Famous Amos Cookies. Yep, all the time she was rigid with anger at a stranger for eating her cookies, he was being generous, kind and gracious in spite of her obvious hostility.
Our sense of rightness does that to us. It blinds us to what is really going on around us and convinces us that our perspective is the right one and most everyone else knows less. Many people believe that it’s our “ego” that wants us to be right most of the time, and they certainly make a good point. But I’m starting to believe that it just might be my ego trying to protect and keep me safe in an uncertain world. After all, if I am right about most everything, I’m also in control and bad things won’t happen to me, right? Sorry! Even if it were possible to be so right that nothing bad ever happened to anyone, that would have worked for someone by now. But to make matters worse, we just keep trying to be right until it becomes such a habit that we aren’t even aware of it anymore.
Not only does not being right NOT keep us safe from uncertainty, it also has a few other downsides. The most obvious problem is we become extremely inflexible and close-minded. When we are afraid to be wrong or make mistakes we never try anything new and become calcified. We are terrible listeners, we are less creative, less happy, and much, much less fun to be around. Don’t we all know someone who thinks they know everything there is to know about every subject?
Let’s face it—most of us are terrified by not knowing. We’ve arrived at a place in our lives where we are deeply attached to what we think we know, and the more successful we’ve been then we’re likely more attached to it than ever. Having someone disagree with us, or admitting that someone else knows better, asks us to realize that we don’t really know as much as we think we do.
In some ways wanting to be “right” is just another case of perfectionism. Again, it’s about feeling safe, in control and in charge of what’s going on around you. And as Brene Brown says, “Perfectionism is a defensive move. It is the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment and shame.” Wanting to be right and have others agree with us, like perfectionism, “…is, at its core, about trying to earn approval.”
I’ll admit it again—I like to be right. But now that I know much of that feeling is really an attempt to feel safe, in control, and win approval from others, I can watch out for it more consciously. Then next time I catch myself asserting myself defensively, I’m going to pause, take a breath and look at what belief or perspective within me is being challenged, what I’m afraid of, or if something within me needs to change. Only with such a SMART awareness and desire, can we ever know we are okay whether or not anyone else agrees with us or thinks we’re “right.”
My mantra for as long as I can remember has been, “My way is not the only way.” I’m not saying I’m never judgy of other people’s bad decisions, nor am I 100% immune to being annoyed by people, but most of the time it allows me to take a breath, smile, shrug, and move on.
Hi Lizzie! I love that you can “breath, smile, shrug and move on.” I’m there often but I want to be there all the time. Some people are definitely able to go with the flow more than the rest of us and it is a quality I admire greatly. It is definitely a way to find out where my attachments are and where I could use some “work.” Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
This is awesome. Just what I needed to read. I love the Famous Amos story. I also want some of those cookies now.
Hi Michelle! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and if I had a bag of those cookies right now I’d share them with you! ~Kathy
Hi Rena! I think we ALL could use a little of this Rena and as you say, it would make us all a much happier person. This need touches just about everyone I know to some degree and because it covers so much of how we say and do things it’s harder to catch. And of course, the more you care about someone the more tricky it is. Just knowing about it is a BIG step. Good luck! ~Kathy
I was just talking to my husband about this last night. In his opinion, I always need to be right. In my opinion, he does. Fortunately we both have a sense of humor about it!
Seriously, I do find that I’m more set in my opinions, but also more tolerant of what others think, too. I find it much easier as I get older to just be quiet when others say things or do things that I don’t agree with. Having said that, I would have been furious about those cookies!
Hi Sharon! You are so right that a sense of humor does help when it comes to stuff like this! As you might imagine Thom and I have been “playing” with the idea for the last week or so–and am hoping it will continue just to remind me. I think you’ve arrived at a good place where you are able to recognize your own opinions for what they are–but at the same time be tolerate of other opinions at the same time. And as you say, sometimes just being “quiet” is a good way to go. Of course, beneath that experience of accepting or merely being tolerant of others opinions is our motivation for that? Lot’s of stuff there for anyone who’s really inquisitive for sure!
Thanks for you comment….and yes, I don’t think we can EVER know the whole story behind what another person is doing, so sometimes it’s our cookies and sometimes they belong to someone else. ~Kathy
What an amazing story and parable. Well, being happy is better, but the human way is to want to be right, isn’t it? A shame.
Hi Carol! Glad you liked my story. I can’t even remember where I first heard it but when I did I thought, “That one will be a keeper!” Thanks for you comment. ~Kathy
Oh my. If I had been Nancy, I would have had to rush around the airport trying to find that man so I could apologize and thank him! My husband and I have decided that when one of us is being really emphatic about being right, it usually means we are wrong!
Hi Susan. I know, can you imagine how “Nancy” would have felt. I must confess that I’ve jumped to a few judgmental conclusions like this is my lifetime and later lived to regret them. It is so important to remember that when we judge others (and think we are “right”) or justified by our judging, we never know the WHOLE picture and only know our own little version. It’s so easy to believe that everyone is seeing the world like we do, and that what we see is “real” and what everyone else sees is illusion. As some would say, “It’s ALL illusion” or at least all perspective. And what a great way for you and your husband to “catch” each other in that game. It really does help to have someone we love/trust to remind us huh? Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this! ~Kathy
Wow. Thank you. I needed to read this. As I do some much needed soul work regarding attachment to outcome I realize it’s also bound up in the need to be “right”.
Hey Laura. Thank you for sharing your deeper understanding of this post. So much of our attachments and fears are tied up with this need and if we really examine them in ourselves I think we can understand so many of our motivations. When I really looked at it I could see that I used this frequently to win approval from others. While it is very popular to say, “I don’t care what anyone thinks of me!” the need to be right about things can serve the same purpose but sound a little more “independent?” Or what about the need to be thought of being a good writer or to have other writers accept us? I don’t know any of us bloggers that don’t want to be thought of in that way, (at least some of the time!) I’m discovering that any time I crave acceptance and “rightness” it is often covering up my own fear of not being good enough. Thanks for your thoughts. ~Kathy
Great post Kathy! We all have filters. We view life differently based on our life experiences. Being open to try to understand and appreciate the experience of others enriches our own view of the world. It might also help us get a functional Congress!
Hi Marne! Glad you liked this one. And yes, we all have filters for sure but I think we all get in trouble if we forget what those filters are or how we’re the ones that installed them in the first place. As you say it would benefit us all “to try to understand and appreciate the experience of others” in order to enrich our own world. And yes, I can certainly see where it would help our political picture AND very, very probably less our wars. Thanks for your thoughts. ~Kathy
I’m always up for a good debate. They’re not much fun when either or both parties dig in their heels with an I’m-right-you’re-wrong position.
I’ve had heated exchanges where I’ve been SURE I was right, only to find out …oops! 🙂 Humbling!
Hi Nancy T….hahaha…yes as you might imagine I like the “debate” too but when it touches on something that is really near and dear to heart (or something that brings up fear or concern) then it can cross the line pretty easily. What I really think is more problematic for me is all the times I so easily assume that i know something when I’m only just processing some of the things I’ve read or known in the past. Unfortunately if we aren’t living in the “mystery” of life and all that represents, we can cut ourselves off from so much creativity and possibility. I’m becoming convinced that living in that mystery is so very rewarding and rich. Wish me luck! ~Kathy
I loved this Kathy! Along with being right is correcting. Some one mispronounces a name or says petunias and you know they mean primroses, is it worth correcting? In many situations not really.When I went through chemotherapy I had what they call chemo brain and I was constantly calling petunias, primroses etc. I didn’t usually mind corrections because I knew my brain would come back, but sometimes it really wasn’t necessary!
I just had a business situation where I called it a pissing contest. I was caught in the middle as each party wanted to show how smart they were and smarter than the other. I actually had to terminate one party because they could not just sit back and look at the situation with-out reacting. With-out trying to be right!
Hi Haralee! Oh you brought up a really good one. Don’t you just love that when someone will correct a silly mistake as thought it was a big deal? I sure hope I don’t do that 🙂 but I know it’s been do to me. For example, when I go to Mexico I try to speak spanish although my diction is awful. The mexican people are so sweet and polite but it is usually the Americans who think they know Spanish so well that are quick to “correct” me. Good for you that your brain came back as planned but how funny (in a rude sort of way) that people were correcting you. I’m sure they didn’t mean it but they were clearly unconscious.
And I agree that business is full of examples where a person’s worth and position is threatened by not acting as if they knew everything. The more threatened you are I suppose, the easier it is to feel that you must create the illusion that you know everything you need to know, and then conveniently forget that you created it in the first place. The challenge of course is to see where (and or if) it applies to ourselves. Thank you so much for helping explore this issue even more. ~Kathy
About a year ago, I read some of Brene Brown’s work and became painfully aware of how important being right was to me. Since then, I’ve been much more conscious of my thinking patterns. It has indeed, helped me to feel happier about things. Thanks for this post.
Hi Kathy D! Yes, I think Brene has such a honest and clear perspective on how this effects us all at such a deep level. Good for you for learning to look deep within and see where it was popping up in your life…unfortunately I think it is so, so very much easier to see in others than ourselves. Thanks for letting us know that it does indeed lead to a happier life when we can get it in check. ~Kathy
This post really made me stop and think, Kathy. When I think of my childhood — and don’t get me wrong, it was a wonderful childhood — I can’t remember even one time that my parents weren’t “right.” I think if they could have admitted they were NOT right once in a while, it would have benefited me more. Having omniscient parents can make you feel like a lesser person for not having the ability to be “right” all the time.
Hi Helene. Thank you so much for adding an important perspective on this issue. When I think about it, I don’t think I know any parent who thinks that their children know more than they do and most parents I know feel they are the “expert” when it comes to their kids. I can’t say I blame them of course…the more you care about something the more you want them to be safe and to protect them from hardship. But what happens in many cases, and it sure sounds like that with your parents, the child is exposed to this “right way” and “wrong way” of doing things–so much so that we all grow up with that instilled in us the same way. And I’ll bet if you asked your parents they would deny it. They would just say they had your best interests at heart.
Ask any expert what they think about something and they are likely EXTREMELY overconfident that they are “right”. None of us like to admit “we don’t know” about something, even parents. For example, as a childfree person I will sometimes offer an opinion to what is happening with a friend or relative’s child. The vast majority of the time my opinion is rejected immediately because I am considered “less” than any parent because “how could I possibly know better?” And while they probably do know more than I, 🙂 I do read a lot and think a lot about all sorts of subjects so sometimes I might have something I can add. However, in those cases I seldom ever think I’m “right.” Most of the time I think I’m most right is when I’m consciously or unconsciously identified with the opinion.
I think most of us are so hypnotized by this way of thinking that most of us have no bad intent, we just do it out of habit. I really think a key is being more and more aware how we do it so automatically. Of course, I could be wrong 😉 ~Kathy
At one time, the Earth was flat and the Sun revolved around us. We were the center of the Universe. That, of course, is no longer the case. The world didn’t change; our interpretation changed. Facts disintegrated under scrutiny.
Most of the “facts” that people toss about are subject to interpretation. As such, they aren’t really facts at all. They are merely opinions . . . based on the information currently available.
Will our knowledge of physics and metaphysics continue to expand causing the facts of today to be knocked out of orbit? Of course.
For that reason, when I disagree with “facts” espoused by others, I tend to say, “I disagree” ~ alerting them to the fact that we have divergent opinions on the topic being discussed.
I rarely say, “You are wrong” or “I am right” because I might, in fact, be wrong ~ just like those scientists who labeled Pluto a planet.
A divergence of opinion is just that ~ opposite views of the world based on the totality of our experiences to date.
Hi Nancy R….Thanks for adding to the puzzle. As you say the facts of the world are constantly changing, a big part of the problem is that we as people are struggling to keep up AND to feel comfortable with all the change. I too NEVER say, I am right or you are wrong–but I’d be less than honest if I didn’t admit that I sometimes think people are #1 ignorant of the facts; #2 Idiotic; #3 just plain evil 🙂 Politics anyone??? Until we can all be conscious and aware of where we hold a bit too tightly to our beliefs and ideas, the full benefit of that “divergence of opinion” isn’t appreciated, explored or utilized. And we are all the poorer for it. Thanks for your thoughts on this.