A few weeks ago, Thom and I attended a Sunday brunch hosted by a longtime friend. Both Joanne and her husband are in their seventies. Yet, you’d never guess their age by their bright and curious minds. Nearly all their guests were as old or older, but again, everyone was curious, open-minded and talkative. At some point, the conversation touched on how, as many grow older, most seem to shrink back as the years add up. Instead of trying new things and being willing to experiment and explore, there is a strong tendency for seniors to resist the unfamiliar. Many seek safety and comfort rather than possibility and opportunity. Of course, this isn’t just limited to seniors. Lots of people seem stuck these days. So once again it was highly synchronistic when I received a review copy of a book that challenges that outlook, regardless of our age.
One of the best things about being willing to do reviews here on SMART Living, besides getting a free book, is that I am offered books that I doubt I would have ever found otherwise. Thriving Through Uncertainty—Moving Beyond Fear of the Unknown and Making Change Work for You by Tama Kieves applies. Although Kieves has authored four other books and speaks at conferences worldwide, I was unfamiliar with her name or reputation. But as it often happens, this book was exactly what I needed to be reading at this point in my life.
My takeaway? First and foremost, I was reminded that life is about so much more than safety and comfort. Big into constant growth and an evolving self, Kieves says, “Every moment of one’s existence, one is growing into more or retreating into less. One is always living a little more or dying a little bit.” This message and most of the reminders in the book apply to every person, young and old alike.
As a consummate life-coach, Kieves spends the majority of the book cheerleading us into believing we are born for an incredible life. At first, it seemed a bit over the top—but by the end of the book she had me rooting along with her. I can especially see where anyone who is dealing with a major life transition—like losing a job, a spouse, or anything we perceive as deeply important to a quality life, could use this book to work through the situation in a positive and self-empowered way. But regardless of whether you are facing a major challenge or simply changing times, this book can potentially awaken anyone to reach for their heart’s potential.
Although thriving appears to be the destination that Kieves is asking us to pursue, it is actually a more heightened self-awareness. She says, “Thriving is a practice. It’s a way of living. It’s the cultivation of a mind-set that allows you to engage with every minute of your life and make inspired, imperative choices.” She also makes it clear that her version of thriving is a verb and not a noun. We will never be done. Just like eating. You might feel full and satisfied for a while, but after a time you’ll feel hungry again and it will be time to reach for something new.
A very real key to thriving is getting not just comfortable with, but embracing uncertainty. In no uncertain terms she calls uncertainty a “superpower.” Why? Because according to Kieves our spirit craves growth, and growth can only come from taking risks. Instead of seeking safety or predictability she advises, “I’d say forget about your idea of what is safe. Choose a life of meaning.”
Using a number of illuminating personal examples, Kieves quotes a line from A Course in Miracles to illustrate how we all have the choice in how we perceive uncertainty. That line is, “I don’t know what anything means.” In other words, we make up the story of meaning in every circumstance. Are we making up a story that supports our moving forward or huddling in the corner in fear? We do hold the choice.
When it comes down to it, Kieves believes, “We do not fear uncertainty. We fear our certainty—as we become ‘certain’ about what things mean.” We usually scare ourselves into believing the worst will happen. But by the same turn, we can also learn to tell ourselves that everything will work out for us even though we don’t know what lies ahead. Instead of telling ourselves we have to control things in order to be safe, maybe it’s time to tell ourselves that something greater than us has our back and that our good is just around the corner. After all, as she says, “The real quality of our life is the quality of our inner life. “
Kieves believes that when we trust ourselves, no matter what choices we face, we will know what to do. But, “Listening to your inner voice requires honesty, integrity, and courage.” A big problem is that most of us only listen to our inner voice when it says something we like and agree with—or one that is socially acceptable. Actually, the role of our guidance is to sometimes tell us things we don’t want to hear. That’s why she recommends that we pay attention to the motivation behind the suggestions offered. Does it sound like a loving voice or a fearful voice? Critical or kind? The feeling behind the voice is often the key.
However, it isn’t just that we should listen to our inner wisdom and all will be well. She cautions with, “It’s really hard to trust yourself when you don’t want to be yourself.” Self-distrust makes us very susceptible to following other people’s advice rather than following our own. Plus, when we aren’t convinced of our own worth we compare ourselves to others and “long to live someone else’s life.” She wisely says, “I remind myself that when I live my undiluted life, I will want for no other. I’m on a journey of healing. It’s not a race. It’s not about external appearances. It’s a story of how I break open my own heart and discover the pomegranate seeds and red juice of magic…It’s a story of coming home to my own astonishing capacities.”
Another strong theme is the book is a form of radical honesty with ourselves. Kieves says, “I am meant to succeed through wild love, not fear. I am mean to take inspired direction, not control every detail and pound out results. I am meant to fly, be lifted by something dynamic and true, not to crawl and fight for every crumb. I don’t want to succeed because I am a superior monkey who can jump through more hoops while still living in chains.” She goes on to say, “I am no longer interested in living a hollow life, even if it looks good on paper or to others…. It’s not about getting everything ‘right.’ It’s about knowing everything is already all right and choosing to act from there.”
Every now and then I think it is helpful for all of us to be reminded that what makes for a “audaciously inspired life” has very little to do with how it looks on paper, how others judge us, that we are in control, or feeling we are “right” and have all the answers. It’s also important to remember that we can’t hide-out from life trying to be safe because, as Kieves says, “Hiding is withering, because risk is a vitamin and without it you die. “
This book is filled with great one-liners and tips that inspire. I also found her to be laugh-out-loud funny at times. Yet I found it equally important that the author doesn’t minimize the difficulty or pretend that she has conquered all her fears and always triumphs over uncertainty. Instead, she continually reminds her readers that the answers we seek for our lives lie within us, and if we have the courage to live those truths we will be living an audacious life.
As I mentioned above, I believe this book will benefit anyone facing a major life change. But it can also be inspiring to any of us who want to be reminded to trust ourselves to a greater degree. It’s tempting sometimes to believe we don’t need another motivational message when things are going well, but I think it’s SMART to never forget that an inspired life hinges on our willingness to thrive, live with uncertainty, and trust ourselves—365!
Okay your turn: Do you ever catch yourself shrinking down or holding back? What helps you resist the temptation to just play safe and be comfortable? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
What pithy, punchy quotes! I love the ones you chose, and these ones in particular: “It’s really hard to trust yourself when you don’t want to be yourself.” And: “I am meant to fly, be lifted by something dynamic and true, not to crawl and fight for every crumb.”
Although overall, I had a great career that I enjoyed, I did have one work experience where I was the superior monkey, shackled and doing my best to jump through hoops. Great quote; sad monkey.
Jude
Hi Jude! Yes! It was actually very hard to figure out which quotes to include. I’m obviously a BIG quote person so I could have done the entire post with about a hundred quotes but I thought that might be too much for most people. And I agree it can be tempting to push ourselves into being that “superior monkey” if we don’t catch ourselves. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! ~Kathy
OMG, the concept of the “superior monkey” is killer. In my worst moments, I’ become that. Like a superfast hamster on a wheel. Pointless, but really, really productive! Thanks for this, Kathy.
Hi Lynne! Yes…isn’t that a great line? The book is filled with all sorts of quips like that. It was just what I needed to stay focused and true to myself. I’m hoping it is as helpful to others as well. ~Kathy
As a natural sort-of introvert, I’m blessed to be married to a hubby who is adventurous and social. I’m much more cautious but when I stretch my wings and face a challenge, it is hugely gratifying! Right now we’re happy with our rather mundane life, but adventure is always around the corner. I do believe midlife and beyond can be our best years!
Hi Terri! How interesting. On the surface you life appears anything but mundane! I guess no one else can ever judge what’s happening in the hearts and soul of another so I believe you if you feel that you are cautious. We are all different so finding our own rightsized place is what is important. From the outside you seem to have a have a very happy and content life and that as you say, the best is yet to come! ~Kath
This sounds like an inspirational book. I don’t think it is always bad to enjoy familiarity or habits. In my life, those are rare moments and I enjoy a bit of a routine once in a while. That being said, I guess Mark and I possess the “super powers” of uncertainty as a general rule, based on this book, since we never know what lays ahead. Life is an adventure, containing many uncertainties. We will start on February 12th again, without plans, a route or knowing what is next. 🙂
Hi Liesbet! I agree that is isn’t always bad to enjoy our “routines.” What I want to stay very aware of are any tendencies to just play it safe or get stuck. I think it is fairly easy for us to rationalize certain behaviors without really looking at them so I appreciated how this book mainly encourages self-awareness–and yes, self-love. If a person is happy and content just the way they are and with what is occurring in their lives, then great! If not, it might be time for a change. And yes, from what I know about you and Mark you are living a life of adventure and seem to do amazingly well with uncertainty! You have that superpower for sure. Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
As I read your post I kept thinking about travel – especially to a foreign country, where English is not the first language – and how so many people miss out on this experience by being fearful and expecting the worse. By extending out of our comfort zones and even putting ourselves in situations that may not be 100% guaranteed safe, we gain so much. Much of travel (maybe not so much on a cruise ship or on a formal tour) is about giving up control, not always being right, and certainly not having all the answers. That’s where the fun starts.
Hi Janis! Oh I so agree that travel definitely stretches our (mental, emotional and physical!) boundaries. But if people have financial issues that keep them close to home–or are physically hampered–travel might not always be possible. Still, the need to stretch never goes away so alternatives may be necessary. Either way, ma we all be able to travel as much as possible while we can! ~Kathy
I was intrigued with so many of the quotes you pulled into this review. Listening to your own inner voice and not the socially acceptable, expectation and judgement of others is an area I am currently focusing on development. That and trying to get out of my comfort zone (what am I afraid of?). So a very relevant inspiration today. Thanks!
Hi Pat! Thanks for letting me know this post helped to inspire you. AND thanks for being honest about what you are working on because I’d bet that is something 99% of us are also working on as well, we just don’t always admit it. One thing I really appreciated about her book was the constant reminder to grow and stretch. The only way we can do that, of course, is to leave our comfort zones behind–at least some of the time and take a step into the unknown. It’s pretty hard to admit we don’t know and/or are uncertain about what comes next–but that’s where the growth is right? Hopefully, we just keep reminding each other that we can do it–and having hands to hold along the way is always good! ~Kathy
I loved the opening quote about static/ ecstatic – it’s so positive! I enjoyed your review of this book and its message. I find myself pulling back in conversations a bit lately because I’m aware I have nothing new to offer or sometimes just can’t be bothered joining in. I have to give myself a push so that this doesn’t become a habit. I have a lot of experience to offer but sometimes prefer just listening rather than talking.
Hi Debbie! Thank you! But I actually had a very difficult time picking a post from the dozens in her book. She is literally a quote machine! And obviously, if you’ve been reading my blog for a while you KNOW I love quotes so that was one of the best things about the book. Lots of wisdom in short bites. But as to your other point about talking or listening I would never criticize another for being a good listener–that is a real talent IMHO. But if you are holding back out of any form of fear or self-distrust, that might be another issue. Only you can answer that. Like so many things, it really is what matters most to you and how it affects the quality of your life. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
She sounds like an amazing woman. I confess to being a “play it safe” person – risk scares me, yet I know it’s the one thing that will stretch my world and make me grow. Every time I’ve taken a risk I’ve been glad that I did and it’s moved me forward in life. It’s all about being brave and giving ourselves more credit really isn’t it?
Hi Leanne! Yes, Tama has a very interesting backstory. Did you read the comment by Karen? She is extremely honest with how hard it was to break away from a successful “sounding” career. But realizing it was literally killing her from the inside out made her dramatically leave it all behind. She doesn’t necessarily push others to do something so dramatic–but she does insist that we all need to listen to that inner voice and follow it. And I REALLY appreciate the reminder that that inner voice is truly one that provides the best quality of life overall. Thanks for sharing your thoughts–and YES! to being brave!! ~Kathy
There are so many great quotes to ponder here, Kathy. “Listening to your inner voice requires honesty, integrity, and courage.” That is so true….and so easy to avoid out of fear and self-doubt. I greatly appreciate you sharing this.
Hi Donna! Tama Kieves does GREAT quotes. That makes the book pretty easy to read. I was tempted just to make an entire post of them but was happy with the ones I included. Glad you enjoyed the post! ~Kathy
Sounds like a great book. “Instead of telling ourselves we have to control things in order to be safe, maybe it’s time to tell ourselves that something greater than us has our back and that our good is just around the corner. As Kieves says, ‘The real quality of our life is the quality of our inner life.’ “
Kieves
Hi Gary! Thank you! I know with your background that you would find this book interesting on many levels. And because you are a therapist I’ll bet that some of your clients might be benefited too. But like most things, and most people, if the willingness to change and overcome isn’t there, people won’t be interested. And isn’t that a great quote about the “real quality of our life?” ~Kathy
This sounds like a really good book. I love when there is some humor too.
Hi Haralee! It definitely comes from a positive perspective. Plus it repeatedly reminds us all that we need to not only get in touch with our inner voice, but that we need to listen to it as well. I’d love to know what you think of it if you ever get a chance to read it. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
I was delighted to see that you’ve been introduced to Tama. Rather than answering your post question, I have to tell you my history with this wonderful woman.
Tama’s first book was titled “This Time I’ll Dance.” It was the story of her climbing quickly to the top of her profession (law) and wishing that the bus she rode to work on would crash so she wouldn’t have to report for duty even one more day. Out of sheer desperation, she finally packed it all in, waitressing, going to therapy sessions and writing and writing to keep herself as sane as possible and figure out her next moves which, at that time, centered around her desire to be a poet.
I came across Tama’s book quite by accident in a bookstore one day, and it rocked my world. Her words gave me the confidence to take a one year unpaid leave of absence from my vocation (it was so much more than a career) to write a book. The one year turned into forever and the one book turned into six.
Three years later, I sought out the opportunity to meet Tama in person. She was just dipping a tentative toe into the life coaching work she’d end up doing, and had signed on to give her first three day workshop at Omega in Rhinebeck, New York. I attended that workshop, along with maybe a dozen other people. We sat in a circle on the floor with Tama for three days, talking ,writing, and sharing our stories. Her over the top writing style is an exact duplicate of her speaking style. She is the genuine article – open, fiercely funny, and incredibly caring and supportive. There was one extremely fragile woman in the workshop. Every time she spoke about her big job with some very important person (never identified) and how it was sucking her dry, she was in tears. I’ll never forget wandering outside during a writing time afterwards, and seeing Tama sitting on a bench holding this woman’s hand and listening to her talk.
Thank you for doing the book review and bringing Tama’s work to your readers’ attention. I subscribe to her newsletter, have a couple of her books and three of her CDs, and probably don’t need this last one (her message is quite consistent). However, for anyone who is unfamiliar with Tama’s work, I agree with you completely – we should never forget “that an inspired life hinges on our willingness to thrive, live with uncertainty, and trust ourselves.” Tama delivers that in spades.
Apologies for the too lengthy comment.
Karen
Hi Karen! Thank you so much for filling in the backstory for Tama. She is a fascinating person and after reading her book and listening to a few online interviews I know I would enjoy hearing her in person too. After reading her book and learning where she draws much of her inspiration and thoughts (everything from The Course in Miracles, Science of Mind, Abraham-Hicks) it was obvious why I found her words so inspiring. And if you are a fan, chances are your background and studies have covered a lot of the same ideas. I appreciate you sharing your personal experience with her and as I said in the article, I really believe that anyone going through a really challenging time would be helped by reading any of her books. As for the rest of us, is it possible to be too inspired? I think not! ~Kathy
P.S. There is no such thing as a too lengthy comment here on SMART Living!