Do you feel life is fair? How we answer that question says more about us personally than we usually realize. Several weeks ago when I was researching the qualities of good relationships, I discovered a line of thinking that suggests that unless our relationships feel fair, they are headed for trouble. And if that’s true, does any time we feel that we’ve been treated unfairly ultimately mean we are headed down a troublesome path? Chances are, yes.
Let’s face it. Most of us have probably felt that life was unfair at least occasionally. Unfairness feels up close and personal when I go out of my way to help a friend and they barely notice. It also feels extremely unfair when I read about how some billionaires paid off politicians to make more money, while some people struggle just to buy prescriptions for pain relief. When we look at our lives or the world we often see all sorts of examples of how things do not seem just. And when we do, it pulls at our emotions and doesn’t feel fair at all.
And that’s a big part of the problem—fairness or lack thereof—usually feels very personal. When a relationship feels out of balance and unfair, we usually struggle to try to right the imbalance or slowly build up resentment and anger at those we can blame for causing the situation. That anger and resentment builds over time and before long we are entertaining John Gottman’s “The Four Horsemen” which usually lead to breakups and divorce. In the end, the best relationships feel fair and equal.
Making things even worse is that it doesn’t really matter if a relationship is actually unequal or unbalanced. It only matters what we believe about it. Unfortunately, when we believe it to be unfair, the same anger, resentment and blame will usually fester as much as in one that is pretty messed up.
For example, I have a younger sister who is convinced that our parents gave me every advantage while growing up and she got next to nothing. Despite the fact that our parents are long gone, and there is absolutely nothing we can do to change the past, this sister continues to express anger, frustration and victimization that feels very real to her. Was it true? Is it true? It feels very true to her so the “truth” of it doesn’t really matter.
What about in business? As a commercial real estate broker my husband Thom says every single client he encounters wants a “fair” deal. Unfortunately, one person’s opinion of fair very often doesn’t match up with another person’s. When that happens it is much more difficult for the transaction to ever come together. Only when both parties feel a win-win of sorts does the sale occur.
So is it possible that behind most feelings of unfairness, whether on the personal, the business, and even the global level, exist similar feelings of lack of control, powerlessness or desperation? After all, don’t we all want to feel like our lives matter, that we have value and worth, and have autonomy over our experiences? Whenever those feelings of value, worth and autonomy are challenged, circumstances feel unfair, and we struggle to find balance and harmony.
But it can’t be that simple can it? Some things really do appear to be unfair. After all, it can’t be fair that nearly 25,000 children around the world starved today. It feels so tragic and unnecessary on so many levels—is that what makes it seem unfair? Again, maybe it is that lack of control and powerlessness that many of us feel when confronted with such horror. We all crave to make sense of the world and issues like starving children challenge our sense of right and wrong.
Going further, our ideas of fairness often boil down to a perception of how the world, our lives, and our very existence are “supposed to be.” It likely feels very unfair to me if I marry expecting fidelity, and my husband cheats on me. It feels very unfair to me if I go into business with someone and they take advantage of me and steal my profits. It feels unfair to me that Viagra is covered by health insurance, but hearing aids aren’t. It feels very unfair when someone walks into an elementary school and kills children. When our sense of right and wrong and how the world is supposed to be is challenged, everything feels very personal and unfair.
But again, there’s more to the puzzle. Someone else who is raised on the other side of the country with entirely different set of rules and expectations about “how things should be” feels equally entitled to their sense of fairness. Some people actually believe it is only fair that women stay home, have babies and do whatever their husband’s say. Or what about someone on the other side of the planet? They may think it is only fair to do whatever is necessary to please their idea of God, including taking you with them on a suicide mission. Could fairness just be something we’re taught and then blindly believe?
With us all coming from different perspectives on “how things should be” is there any way for us to ever feel that life is fair? Surely it is impossible to get every one on the planet to follow my rules about how life should be and live up to my personal opinion? Maybe the one and only solution is for each of us to arrive at a personal understanding of the world that includes autonomy, value and worth for every single being, but especially ourselves. After all, when I am perfectly at peace, when I internally know my own value and place in the Universe, then needing others to agree with me doesn’t really matter. Only when I struggle to find myself, doubt my own worth, or feel Life is broken, do I need to control others and make Life Itself match my expectations.
So next time you start thinking, “Life isn’t fair,” ask yourself why you think that. Chances are good you are feeling that something or someone is challenging your value, your worthiness or your sense of the how the world is “supposed to be.” It’s likely that somewhere along the way you’ve decided that other people should say, do, or be a certain way to in order to make you feel Whole. In the end, no one else can tell if your sense of self and your view of the world really make you feel at peace, valuable and worthy, but it’s SMART to remember that until you do, the world will never seem fair.
Fair or unfair is something we must deal with it in life, the question is how we through this problem we have. For me, whether like or not I will accept it as part of my life and keep in my mind that I will manage it to success. Sometimes fair or unfair is a matter of which side we look, from positive side or negative side. Thanks for sharing with us, and thank you for allowing me shares my comment.
Hi Fiore! Thank you for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts on this. As you say, so much about fairness has to do with how we see things. Let’s all do our best to see it from a positive perspective when possible. ~Kathy
Thanks Kathy for the enlightenment, what I say life is like a river just follow where it flows. One thing for sure keep thinking positively.
Interesting post, personality I have felt life was unfair to me (debilitating illness at a young age).
But after a while, I realised this feeling just made me adopt a victim mentality and prevented me from taking responsibility in my life.
Hi Boudewijn! Welcome to SMART Living and thank you for sharing a bit of your personal path with us. I realize that it isn’t easy when you’ve been offered something challenging so early but I really believe you have grasped why it is so important to let go of needing things to be fair. By taking some ownership of the issue, you are so much more empowered that staying a victim. Again, not easy but IMHO, much better. ~Kathy
This is very interesting, and very true. It’s funny how the question of fairness seems to people like it comes from something objective when it couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s especially obvious when we see that people who have less can be happier. Don’t they think life is unfair, even more than I do in my privileged life? Well, not necessarily. It puts things in perspective and also helps us be responsible for our own happiness and grateful for what we have. Your analysis is really deep. Thank you 🙂
Hi Louise! Thank you for adding yet another view of this issue. And you nailed it by observing that the issue really is subjective just about any way you look at it but we all WANT to make it something more concrete than that. And yes to how it makes clear that it isn’t what you have, or what you do that makes things seem fair. Accepting that it is a DIY experience is ultimately the best perspective of all! ~Kathy
I have a dear friend who is very, very wealthy and lives a fabulous life. However, his brother is even wealthier. To him it’s “not fair” that his brother builds bigger houses than he does. This is not a stupid man, nor is he shallow. It’s a lifelong rivalry between brothers.
I don’t like hearing “it’s not fair” from anyone. Some people are luckier than others financially, some have more fulfilling relationships. It’s not fair, but that’s the way life is.
Hi Sharon! Thanks for your thoughts on this. I’d bet we all know stories (if not personal experiences) of how fairness plays out in our lives. As you say, if you look around some clearly apper to be more fortunate in relationships and finances and yet if you dwell on them or become bitter, that affects YOU, and not the others. It’s a lot like forgiveness where if you hold that anger and unforgiveness it is liking taking poison and expecting the other to die. Ultimately we have to find our own balance or it will tear us up for sure. Thanks again for your thoughts. ~Kathy
Great food for thought Kathy! I never thought about it like that before but it makes perfect sense.
I tell my sister that attitude is everything because I get so tired of her complaints when she has an incredible daughter, wonderful husband, health, money, our parents house–long stupid story and I’m divorced (a few times) no kids, have a disability I had to figure out I had—and see how parents now coddle their kids with this disability while much was expected of me because I was smart and really my parents favorite.
Yet that disability and being expected to do everything “perfectly” aside from giving me incredible anxiety and panic attacks turned me into a fighter–not just for me but others.
No life’s not fair and attitude isn’t everything but…I too own my house–just me no bank, and I’m in the fortunate position of having no debt—not that much money but one day it hit me that if you have no debt and your biggest expenses are health and home insurance–live four blocks from the ocean–who cares? Well I do as I like to live well and to travel. And I’m going to throw caution to the wind and just do it.
And I was talking to my sister the other day. It turned out she’s scared of a lot of things. I decided a long time ago to forgive her though she made my life truly miserable for many years. That I do have a choice about. A person can scream at you and scream and scream and…you can choose to make it into background noise. I did and now we’re beginning to have the relationship I never thought we would. though you never know…
Hi Pia! Good for you for choosing to create a good relationship with your sister and just let all the rest of her complaints be “background noise.” As you said, so much of it is our choice about what we believe and what we choose to see and experience. It sounds to me like you are incredibly fortunate in so, so many ways. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
I think I have a fundamental problem with the word “fair”? When I hear it, I can’t help thinking about kids playing a game with rules. In that case I think there is a fair and not fair. On the whole though, I prefer to think of right and wrong, (yes, my right, my wrong) or good and bad. I believe that it’s wrong that those 25,000 children died, it’s also bad. You’re right about feelings getting in the way, so to speak. Sometimes though, I find that people don’t act on their intuitive, heartfelt, and “true” instincts by glossing over them with “feelings” and thus not acting with generosity, compassion etc. Fair? No, life is not fair. How could it possibly be? Great great post.
Anita
Hi Anita! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this. I think it is valuable for us all to think about how we view the world and whether that supports us for leads us down a slippery slope. Regardless of which way we go, having awareness and understanding about our choices can only help. Thanks again! ~Kathy
Very thought provoking…..something we need more of to look inside ourselves. I’m guilty of wanting things to be a certain way sometimes, but I get that it won’t always happen. My kid sister is exactly the same….never misses a chance to say mom and dad liked me better yada yada yada! Sometimes I try to deflect, other times I want to say look at yourself…..all grown and still whiny! LOL Thanks for reminding me it’s perspective and our outlook that counts!
Hi Joan! Ha! I’ll bet quite a few of us have siblings who see things differently than us right? And as you say, our perspective and outlook determine so very much about the quality of our lives. Thanks for checking in! ~Kathy
I think we confuse “fair” with “what we want.” I used to think my parents were terribly unfair, until I realized twenty years later why they did what they did. Looking for fairness in life is a slippery-slope that I try to avoid, but still often slam into. Now I try to go with the flow, and realizing that most things happen in a pattern that will make sense in, well, twenty years. Thank you for this blog!
Hi Donna! Yes I agree that replacing “fair” with the idea that we are either getting or not getting what we want is very insightful. Surely when things aren’t going the way we think they should or oppose us getting we want the first thing that often jumps in our minds is that “it’s not fair!” And good for you for being able to now “go with the flow” rather than fighting or resisting things. That says to me that you’ve developed your own guidance and are at peace with it and that’s one of the best ways to see everything as fair. ~Kathy
I have to admit, I don’t think life is about fair. It’s about “interesting” and what we do with it. For me, I don’t care about “fair”–it’s all the lesson. A thoughtful post and one that will stick with me today.
Hi Carol! Oh, thank you for this perspective too! Isn’t it so much more empowering to think of it as “interesting” or a “lesson”? Either of those offer us so much more freedom and possibility and I’m all for that. ~Kathy
For me, this is all about mindset. In our personal and professional lives things only have the meaning that we give to them. And we respond and act based on that. That is why I feel choosing our mindset and what meaning we apply to things is so crucial to how we experience all areas of life.
Hi Ali! Yes, I like the approach you take on this. Our mindsets do definitely guide our perspectives so we “respond and act based on that.” Unfortunately as you well know if we don’t pay attention or choose our mindsets thoughtfully, we often just get thought is easiest rather than wisest. Thanks for tagging in the mindset idea. I completely agree with it! ~Kathy
In reading this post and the comments to date, I’m reminded of this quote: I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable. – Lindberg. The concept of what is fair/unfair can cause much angst and lead to degrees of “suffering” and we humans have that innate ability (for the most part) to persevere and move forward.
Hi Mona! So VERY true. Thank you for sharing that bit about suffering here. I haven’t read of Lindberg before–but I love what he/she says. And if I remember what the Buddha said about suffering, I think he went on to explain that the most of it was just “faulty thinking” in that he meant we see the inequity and pain in a relative way rather than a transcendent way. I think fairness is much like that. Adding mourning, patience, love, openness and a willingness to remain vulnerable to our actions changes so much of it. Thank you. ~Kathy
“So next time you start thinking, “Life isn’t fair,” ask yourself why you think that. Chances are good you are feeling that something or someone is challenging your value, your worthiness or your sense of the how the world is “supposed to be.” It’s likely that somewhere along the way you’ve decided that other people should say, do, or be a certain way to in order to make you feel Whole.”
I LOVE how you put that, Kathy! And you are absolutely right. Anytime we think something that doesn’t feel good, we need to ask WHY and to ask what it is that we are seeking though external circumstances.
Hi Bethany! Thank you. I’m glad you appreciated that bit because I did a lot of thinking about it in advance and it was the best I knew how to say it. I’m not saying I know how to do that completely but I really feel there is something in that to strive for. ~Kathy
Fair or unfair falls into the same category as normal or abnormal. It’s a relative state dependent on so many variables that it can’t really be quantified.
Like you said, what’s fair for one may be grossly unfair for (or to) another.
It’s extremely unfair that thousands of children starved today, but is it fair that the rest of us should feel guilty over something we cannot control?
We can help via donations etc, but in reality, much of the problem in those starving countries lies at governmental or political levels.
An example would be the “Feed the World” concerts of the 80s where people of all nations opened their hearts and wallets and many shiploads of goods were sent overseas, but the people who needed these things did not get them. they were held to ransom by the governments of the time; they demanded the people pay for these donated items. While the bickering went on, the goods rotted on the wharves and the people continued to starve etc.
Hi River! Yes at face value things continue to look very unfair and I’ll bet all of us could come up with hundreds of examples every day. That’s why I can’t help but believe the only way to come to a place of peace about it lies within each of us. Hopefully our world and alternately our spiritual view of how things work has a way of helping us understand it, otherwise we are destined to live in a place of powerlessness and hopelessness. Even if we spend our life doing whatever we can to alleviate the suffering, I think it is essential to have a spiritual understanding that puts it into perspective. Think of Mother Teresa and all she did to help the lepers and the poor. As she repeatedly said, her “beloved” is what gave her the strength to carry on. I think we all need something similar–but ideally it should be something that we personally discover, not something that someone rams down our throat. Thanks so much for your thoughts on this topic. ~Kathy
Very thought provoking this week Kathy. I know I will be thinking about this all weekend. As I age, I let go more quickly the unfairness of things and life. I accept that life isn’t fair but it is not a defeatist acceptance but a adaptive response.
Hi Haralee! Thank you for jumping in here too to share your thoughts. And you bring up something else that is interesting–and that is how our ideas about fairness usually do change as we age or as our life circumstances change. I think as I age it has become much more important to me, and likely others, to find an “adaptive response” that allowed me/us to continue to function in the world. Is that right? Who really has the final answer on that? But I never want to discount the value of being a happy, hopefully well adjusted person on the planet, as one who can then go out into the world and share it with others. I’ve read too much that says that unhappy, discouraged and depressed people have little to offer others. Given the choice, I think it’s pretty obvious where I stand on that! Thanks again for taking this conversation even further. ~Kathy
This is a big one to tackle, and actually I think about this sort of thing a lot and I absolutely think it belongs in an internet blog where lots of people may see it.
I think that life is fundamentally unfair, which is to say unjust, because basically stuff happens and there isn’t any power (IMO) working behind the scenes to make sure that everyone’s life works out like a feel-good story. At the same time, the mere fact that those stories are so popular tells me that people fundamentally crave justice. People think people should get what they deserve – not just themselves, but everyone else, too. I think it’s because we’re a social species. It’s wired into us to identify with each other and care about each other. You’re right that not all wanting the same things complicates the perception of fairness. And of course if we can see someone else as being a “bad” person, we can feel okay about bad things happening to them. But we also spend quite a bit of time rationalizing things to make us feel better about inequities – such as the fact that other people have less than we do. The “I worked hard and made smart choices” line is the standard rationalization of our American culture. (I don’t mean to attack you personally, Kathy. We all do this.) The truth is that the vast majority of people work hard, and we aren’t all born with the same mental abilities nor provided the same information, nor are we all even given the same options. So, I think life is unfair because of a whole host of things that are beyond human control, but I also believe that we have a moral duty to try to mitigate that unfairness as much as we possibly can through the means that are under our control.
Hi Carol! I really appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts on this. I agree that it is easy to “rationalize” things that support our life and way of thinking, so that likely influences my train of thought on this. And I agree that we ALL start life on different levels of opportunity, awareness, physicality and you name it. But something I do believe is that each of us has value and is “worthy” of a good life, and if and when I’m in the position to do something about it, that action on my part is called for.
However, as in the case of my sister, I’ve tried. And if I’ve learned anything it is that I cannot help another if they 1) don’t believe they are worthy, 2) don’t want my help 3) are convinced I have another motive 4) have a worldview that says they deserve it and, …. (I’m sure there are more.) In so many ways it is like something Abraham-Hicks says, “you can’t get sick enough to help sick people get well.” That’s why I am convinced that we all have to find that sense of peace, value and worthiness for ourselves. Can I help with that? Sure, but only if THEY want the help. Then once each of us find it for ourselves, then the circumstances in our lives can still be filled with a sense of well-being and purpose. Does that make sense?
I imagine this conversation could go on and on in several different directions. Thanks again for your thoughts! ~Kathy
I think that there are those glaring and hopefully infrequent instances and events where something will strike us as very unfair, and then there is the persistent life-is-unfair worldview that comes from holding a victim perspective. The first may be something we’re taught or how we’re socialized, as you mention, and could vary widely, depending on the culture and society in which you were raised. The second is more universal: it’s the feeling that you have no control over “what is done to you,” without the awareness of the control you always have over your response.
Thank you for a thought-provoking post, Kathy!
Hi Laura! Thank you for adding to the conversation on this. I think each of us will see some aspect of it that resonates with us (or not!) Ultimately I think we have to answer it for ourselves. ~Kathy
Your post got me thinking about two very different events that happened around me this week.
Scenario #1: A man is extremely upset because his father is planning to sell the family cottage after all of the years he’d contributed to it, financially and otherwise. In his mind, his father is being unfair. That cottage should go to him. I watched and listened and thought to myself, “this is about attitude and a sense of entitlement”. Now I also see it’s about not feeling valued enough.
Scenario #2: A 24-year old mother of a seven month old baby enjoys her first Mother’s Day, tweets happily to others, thanking them for their well wishes and sharing cute pictures of her baby boy, goes to bed that night, and never wakes up again. Her husband discovers she’s dead beside him when their baby cries and she doesn’t stir. (She was seemingly healthy and vivacious. Autopsy pending.)
There is no way to see fairness in #2; no way to make sense of it at all. How can we say life is fair in the face of such sadness? Can her young husband, her baby boy, or her parents ever be convinced that life is fair?
So, maybe, we shouldn’t even try. Sometimes it simply goes beyond “right and wrong”. Maybe it’s not about fairness at all? You touch on feeling out of control — I might even go so far as to say feeling shock — when something tragic happens for which we have no solution and could never have stopped from happening. We mourn. We express anger and rage against {insert: God, the Universe, Fate …}.
I wonder if, rather than trying to find a fairness that doesn’t exist, we should try to find faith instead. The kind that knows that, from the ashes, the phoenix will eventually rise again.
Hi T.O. This post ended up in my spam folder for some strange reason….but it is really great and I want to make sure we all see it because I do think it points out something valuable for us all. Is life even supposed to be fair? I know we all want it to be and in some cases crave that? And I’m not just saying that so I can ignore all the injustices everywhere around me. Somewhere along the line we all seemed to pick up that things should be “fair” and we should be the ones deciding what that is. I have absolutely no answer to the tragic passing of the young women you mention. But in some ways that might be because I am seeing the situation with limited “human” eyes rather than Cosmic or spiritual eyes (no matter how we each describe that.) That’s why in my post I hoped to communicate that it is only something we can each answer for ourselves. Faith, yes. Understanding, yes. Belief, yes. Consciousness, yes. But again, I don’t think anyone else can give me the answer that can make me feel at peace with it. I’m thinking that has to come from inside ourselves. Thank you so-o-o much for BOTH your posts 🙂 ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, thank you for rescuing my comment. 🙂 Like you say, at some point we learned to measure things as “fair” or “unfair”. Little children are quick to pick up on the concept but I wonder where they get it from. I remember hearing it on the playground and I still hear children whine and complain when they declare “it’s not fair”.
But then we grow up. Could it be that the more childlike “fair” matures into faith, belief, consciousness … coming from within?
Perhaps then, there’s a third stage of growth, when we can see beyond “human” vision and we shift to the Cosmic or Spiritual. At that point, our understanding comes from “within/without” — from a unity with “all that is”, “God”, “The One”, “The Universe”, or what ever word a person feels comfortable using.
It’s an evolution to an ever greater understanding, in that sense.
I hope I’m not getting too heavy here! Thank you for getting me thinking. 🙂
Hi T.O. I wish you lived close by and we could get together and really hash this out in person (with a glass of wine or two for sure!) I don’t think it’s too heavy and I love where you took this. I do agree that kids seems to have a sense of balance or fairness from a young age but could that be because we are all so conditioned from an early age to respond to cues outside of ourselves instead of listening to our own guidance and inner worth? I just heard from a friend tonight who heard that a study showed that young white girls are said to be the most victimized by bullying of all children. Not boys. Not other ethic groups. If that’s true my guess would be because so many of us girls are conditioned to be pleasers and try to get others to like us and approve of us from a very young age. Instead of being taught self reliance and inner value, we all go around much of the time looking for others to define us and tell us what we should be, do and have.
If that it is true we also likely believe that if we “do the right things” that we will be rewarded. Unfortunately we all know that seldom works and there you have a VERY unfair situation right from the beginning. School tells us if we get the right grades and weigh the right weight and do all the right things, everything will work out for us. Again, that seldom works as expected. Religions often say if we “behave” and practice the way we are taught, we will be rewarded. Again that doesn’t usually work as expected. I could go on but again, I think we are so conditioned to look outside ourselves for validation and reward that we don’t have the true connection to ourself.
I like that “third stage of growth” you mention but I don’t think that many are ready for it even if you could convince them it was the right thing to look for. Maybe a person has to get to the state of “bottoming out” (just like with AA or something) before a person let’s go of what didn’t work and listens to that still small voice within?
Of course I’m not as in touch with the idea of The One or Unity as I hope to eventually be, but thankfully I realize it is seldom where popular culture would have us believe. Awww…so many other ways to look at this. Thanks for going there. 🙂 ~Kathy
Really interesting and thought-provoking post, Kathy.
On the one hand, I feel that in many respects, the universe has been overwhelmingly generous to me (maybe TOO fair? :-)). On the other hand, it’s difficult to hear of beheadings (or other terrorist activity), personal stories of cancer/disease, tragic car accidents, etc., etc., and not have that “Wow, life is so unfair” moment.
When faced with the horrific and nonsensical, I’ve been trying to anchor myself in a feeling of accepting what is, sad as it is, rather than dwelling on the why.
Hi Nancy! Thanks for letting me know you found this interesting. Like I said to Janis I wasn’t sure if it would be to anyone but me. And yes, the more “blessed” on feels the more it does sometimes make me/us feel a tiny bit guilty for having it so good when others sometimes don’t. Still, my guilt doesn’t help another person one little bit, and even if I do act from that guilt, it’s possible I am coming from fear (fear that it might happen to me too?) rather than a full and grateful heart? Lots to think about for sure. ~Kathy
What a great topic! I have often felt incredibly blessed at the “fairness” that life has dealt me. I was lucky to have been born in this country and to have had supportive, loving parents. But, I also know that I had to work hard and make smart choices (including my wonderful husband) so that I had the best chance at a successful life. I’m aware that many others struggle with challenges that I have never had to face but attitude really is everything.
Hi Janis! Yes I consider this to be a “juicy” topic myself but I wasn’t sure if it would go over well. It’s a little “heavy” for most internet readers IMHO! But because I am working on writing from my heart and soul instead of what “sells” I decided t give it a go. That sounds fair right? Thanks for letting me know it got you thinking! ~Kathy
Kathy, thank you for writing from your heart and soul. It will keep me coming back for more, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. 🙂