For as long as I can remember I have been seeking happiness. Back in high school when someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up—I said “happy.” I convinced myself that the pursuit of happiness was not only our self-evident right, but that it was equal to the unalienable rights of life and liberty. (Remember the constitution?) I think I’ve read every book with the words happy and happiness in them ever written. And while I am mostly always happy, there are days when it isn’t easy. Then recently I’ve read a couple of books that have me questioning that pursuit on a much deeper level. Is it possible I’ve been seeking the wrong thing? And is it possible that what most of us want when we say we want happiness isn’t located where we’ve been looking?
Okay I won’t keep you in suspense any longer. The books I’m referring to are the untethered soul (yes, the same one I wrote about a couple of blog posts ago) and his new book living untethered. The author, Michael A Singer is a man who synthesized several teachings to calm the angst he was feeling inside. As he took them to heart and began to practice them, he adapted them in a way that is somewhat unique. Not only is his approach related to mindfulness, it is also very practical and doable for anyone anywhere. At its core, it is accepting reality exactly as it occurs without taking any of it personally and then staying completely relaxed, clear and open-hearted in every moment.
I realize that that description doesn’t sound like any big deal—and certainly not a good trade-off for the idea of happiness. But as I’ve read and contemplated his books and listened to a number of freely-available podcast interviews, I’ve been feeling a shift in my awareness. And like many of you, I’ve read dozens of books about mindfulness, meditation and a variety of spiritual teachings with all sorts of ideas about achieving enlightenment AND happiness. Yet even though much of what I’ve heard from Singer is familiar, something seems different—or maybe I’m the one who is different.
I didn’t immediately start grasping the idea while reading his books that my ongoing search for happiness might be a ladder leaning against the wrong wall. After all, according to Singer, we all want to improve our experience of life. We want to feel happiness or at least contentment. We want to feel okay about ourselves and life. I believe all of us could quickly come up with a list of things we think would help us achieve those states. But like so many other teachers, Singer believes that it isn’t those things on our list that will answer our cravings. What we really want are the feelings and thoughts we will have inside of us if or when we achieve or get those things. Unfortunately, as long as the majority of us are running around looking for things, people and/or circumstances in the world outside ourselves, we’ll never create the lasting feelings we hope to attain. A new car? A new house? A new relationship? A million dollars? Reaching those things might make us smile for a while—but it doesn’t last and there are always distractions and trade-offs. And if we are waiting until the big stuff like solving climate change or achieving world peace happen before we are happy—we will be waiting forever.
The bottom line is what we are really after are the thoughts and feelings and energy of wellbeing inside ourselves. We just don’t realize it or remember that’s where it is. Instead of learning to accept and work with those thoughts and feelings first, and remove any blockages, we run around searching for them in people, things, and experiences outside of us. Therein lies our unhappiness. Singer repeatedly states, “In essence, you are causing yourself to be unhappy, then you’re going outside demanding that the world somehow makes you happy.” In other words, if we are trying or expecting that the world and other people do what we think they should do so we can be happy (or at least okay)—we are setting ourselves up for failure.
Examples are everywhere. Ever had an experience with a child, parent, sister, neighbor when they wanted to do something you were convinced was bad for them (or you)? But they did it anyway? What was the thoughts and the feeling you had about it? Probably not good. Or what about the last school shooting? There is a tendency that if those politicians did their job right and passed laws that we think are necessary, there will never be another problem. Not necessarily. And if we are making ourselves miserable because people or circumstances won’t match our righteous beliefs, then we righteously claim unhappiness. And that may or may not be our experience for the rest of our lives.
But let me be clear. Michael Singer does NOT say that we never act when we see something that is dangerous or hurtful in the world. He just says we learn to never take it personally. Now if you’re like me, you know that taking things personally isn’t good. But until I read Singer’s solution, I never really grasped what I needed to do. What he suggests is to accept the reality of the situation (remember nothing in the past can be changed because you didn’t like it or didn’t want it to happen). And most everything happening in the world is completely out of our control (think of the weather.) He also says that most of our personal pain and suffering comes because we have a personal attachment to why it should be happening one way or not be happening the other. Again, eliminating the personal attachment doesn’t mean you don’t take action, it just means you accept and release any personal judgements, thoughts and emotions that you’ve been carrying around.
Let me give you another example. Say another child at school hits your child and calls her names. What do you do? Do you instantly remember when you were bullied in school and then you let the voices in your head begin shouting and demanding that such a thing should NEVER happen to your child or any child ever? Do those voices in your head scream and cry while your emotions careen out of control? At that point, who or what is in charge of your life in that moment? And how effective will you be if you storm down to the school or start calling people and yelling at them on the phone?
Would it be better to breathe, accept that it happened, acknowledge the painful emotions that might arise, and then let them pass through you? Could you also then monitor any thoughts you have that carry anger and retribution and witness that they are there, but not in charge? Are you able to fall back and witness the parts that feel personal and then detach so that the experience doesn’t become a blockage within you? Only then, could you sit back and decide the very best course of action to make sure that your child is okay and what can be done so that it doesn’t happen again.
Another way of looking at the Michael Singer’s approach is that he is getting down to the root cause of unhappiness in ourselves. According to him, that root cause is that we are all trying to get reality to match up with our personal beliefs and preferences about how life, people and events should be to be, in order to feel okay with ourselves. Obviously a huge problem with that is we all have a different version of our personal beliefs and preferences.
So, what do we do? We do the inner work to clear our inner blocks and preferences so that we can rest in witness consciousness. In simple words, identifying the you sitting inside yourself that witnesses everything you think and do and believe as much as possible. That inner work also requires that we relax and let go of all blockages and allow our hearts to stay open. Once there, no matter what is happening in the world outside of us—we can choose to not make it personal and accept it for just reality happening. It isn’t trying to make you disturbed or unhappy—your thoughts about it are making you unhappy.
What’s the payoff? Singer is convinced that as we learn to relax, allow our hearts to stay open and accept reality, we will access greater and greater feelings of joy, love and peace. What then? He says, “Once you learn to let go of the reactionary noise of personal thoughts and emotions, things will become clear. You will know how to work with the situation in front of you.” He goes on to say, “The highest life you can live is when every single moment that passes before you is better off because it did. Serve the present moment with all your heart and soul.”
Of course Michael Singer does say is that it is difficult to grasp these ideas with words alone. Fortunately, there are things we can do to anchor them in ourselves and make them more accessible. But, it is a process that takes time, practice and intention. As for me, I’m still not certain that it is a solution to my life-long search for happiness, but it intrigues me enough to stick with a deep-dive to see where it leads. That is why my WOTY (Word of The Year) for 2023 is “accept.” I’ve always been fairly sure that happiness originates deep inside. So perhaps the SMART approach is to accept that there might be a better way to find the happiness I seek and take that all the way in to see where I end up.
I am currently reading “The Untethered Soul”. I just finished the chapter on “light”. I could not remember who recommendation this book and here you are 🙂
I think ‘pursuit’ is a word that gives too much “doing” rather than living. I spent years in the care of a Native American Medicine Woman who apprenticed under her Grandfather from the age of 5 into her teens (when her tribe was killed in the Nevada desert).
Native Americans believe that each day is a life, a full life. Should I wake up tomorrow, I have received another life. It is a wonderful and grateful way to live and there are days I achieve that 😉 I strive for this to be my way of living. Each night, reflect on the day. Am I grateful? Am I content? Will I do or be different tomorrow should I receive that gift of new life? Each day enjoy the moments. Enjoy any conversation that might occur.
She had me read “Women Who Run with the Wolves” and I read it again every 10y or so and I’m about due. It’s a lovely book for exploration.
I’m definitely a work in progress. Many years ago I asked a then-friend, why do I keep attending conferences on this topic? Her reply was telling, because your still working on it. We have been estranged for over 20 years but oh that pearl of wisdom is meaningful to me still.
Have the BEST DAY 🙂
Hi Elle! Thank you so much for adding your wisdom (and that of your Native American Medicine Woman) to this discussion. What a great way of thinking of each day. And yes, it’s been many many years since I read Women Who Run With The Wolves. It is time I picked it up again. May you fully appreciate this day as well! ~Kathy
So very true! My first book and blog were about happiness — titled
“10 Steps to Finding Your Happy Place (and Staying There)”. During that time, like you, I read a LOT about happiness. And just as you said, everything pointed to the idea that, as one book title said, happiness is an inside job. Science backs this up. Studies show that only 10% of our sense of happiness is based in outside circumstances. The other 90% comes from our thinking habits.
The good news is that we can consciously develop thinking habits to shift our “default” mind set from one based in fear to one of joyful well being. The bad news is that we are responsible for our own well-being and can’t blame our lack of it on others anymore — ha!
Changing our thinking habits doesn’t mean that we are in a la la happy mood all the time. It does mean that we have a baseline of an accepting (great WOTY!), open heart.
The other thing you point out that I think is important is your recognition that “seeking” doesn’t get you where you want to be. Seeking suggests that we are looking for something we don’t already have. A joyful, content, sense of well being is our natural state. We can block it, as you describe, through fearful (and futile) efforts to control our external circumstances, so “finding” happiness is more about removing blocks to reveal what has always been there. (I used to joke that I didn’t want to be a seeker; I wanted to be a finder!)
So thank you for spreading the word and giving your readers some “can do” ways of living a life of joyful well-being. Everything I’ve read on your blog suggests to me that you are already a master of living a life of enlightened well being! This post offers some practical steps, but you model this for your readers all the time. So thank you.
Hi Galen. Thanks so much for adding such great insights to what I was attempting to communicate. It’s tricky (as you know) because it is very easy for us all to be convinced that there are only one or two ways–and forget there are quite a few of them but not all of them “speak” to us. I’m not really sure why I find Michael Singer’s explanations about these things so helpful, but I do. It made all that reading about happiness, mindfulness, thinking habits, consciousness, seeking–and dozens of others ideas come together in a way that offered me a roadmap through them in a new way. Another thing I REALLY like is how practical his approach feels. So while I appreciate your praise I don’t consider myself a master in any way…just another one of us walking the path home. ~KATHY
P.S. I think I’ll go back through your blog and read your first blog post about happiness! I still love the topic 🙂
Hi Kathy,
I love this post. You have such a way of breaking it down to make people want to read these same books you have read. And your analogy of thinking “it’s not fair” resonates with me. I try not to let that thought get to me however it is a struggle some days.
As Michael Singer says it’s something you have to work on everyday and just moving forward. If you can do that, you can’t help but get better at acceptance and just “being”. That is the state I am trying to live in – just “being”. The old adage “God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, courage to change things I can, and wisdom to know the difference” rings so true.
I look forward to hearing about your progress and reading more of your fascinating takes on life situations. Really appreciate it!!
Hi Debbie. I can tell from your comments and other writing that you’ve been a “life-long” consciousness learner too so I’m not surprised that you appreciate the ideas I was hoping to share here. As you say it, “work on everyday and just moving forward” is something very powerful. And that quote about “knowing the difference” is super important. Glad you liked it and you KNOW I’ll write more about it in the future. ~Kathy
Your title intrigued me as I realized that I don’t “pursue” happiness myself. I practice positivity, which leads me to being happy more often than being unhappy. It’s not about things, other people, or pursuit of something…. it’s about being in the moment, accepting. Yes, I still react way too much and that often causes the unhappy feelings. My biggest challenge these days is self-acceptance. So I really loved your statement “breathe, accept that it happened, acknowledge the painful emotions that might arise, and then let them pass through you” – although I want to write the phrase in the current – acknowledge the painful emotions that did arise! I’m really working on letting the painful emotions of a situation pass.
Hi Pat! Good for you for having found a method that works for you. Fortunately I am an optimist by nature so I don’t really have to “practice” that. But accepting things that trigger me and taking things personally has been an issue. I’m just enjoying how Michael Singer’s words make sense of it all and give me some very practical things to think about and do. He says that many of our “triggers” are from things in our past that we buried and have become blockages. By identifying and accepting them, and then learning to release them me we can erase the blockage. But one thing I REALLY like about his work is the acknowledgement that it takes time and practice to get to where you want to go. Oh, and he also says we need to start with the small stuff first and then we are better to handle the bigger stuff when it comes up. One day at a time! Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
Yes, “That inner work also requires that we relax and let go of all blockages and allow our hearts to stay open…no matter what is happening…accept it for just reality happening.”
Accepting…and leting go.
Hi Gary! It sounds so easy doesn’t it? But as you know that “inner work” takes intention and discipline and even a bit of courage I think. Bit by bit…step by step. One day at a time. ~Kathy
Kathy, I think the best I can personally do is to be generally happy. I try to live with enough awareness to recognize and eliminate external factors that block my happiness, but, I do have control issues that hinder my success. I am getting better about backing away and letting things go. It helps to wake up every morning and take a mental assessment of all that is good. It prepares me for coping with the things that don’t go well in my day.
Hi Suzanne. I agree that we all need to find our way to get to that place of peace, contentment and yes, happiness–however works for us. For some reason I think I was just ready at this point in my life to read this information and find a great deal of value. Of course as I said in the first blog post about it, I first read this book back in 2015 and it didn’t make that big of an impression. What’s the saying, “If the student is ready a tree can fall on them and it won’t make a difference. But if they are ready, a little feather can touch them and they are transformed.” ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – Perfect timing! I had just finished a night-time yoga session where I focussed on trust and letting it all go. I then read your post. Great synergy! I agree that trust and acceptance can lead to inner peace (and dare I say happiness). ‘Accept’ is a great WOTY. I look forward to following as you explore this further.
Hi Donna! I think that trust, acceptance and letting go are big issues for most of us right now. And the better we can each find our way through them the better for us! I hope to report at the end of 2023 that I’ve come a long way with this process. And you’re right…chances are I’ll be letting you all know! Take care! ~Kathy
Acceptance is a great word of the year, Kathy! Not easy, but very healthy. And important.
Everyone can relate to the topic you touch upon here. I think we all take things too personally, but how can we not, when they affect us? Distancing ourselves from the situations that don’t please us – or detaching ourselves from them – is a good way to accept them and analyze them.
Every day, I wish things would go my way more. As everyone else, probably. But, sometimes, the worse way brings new opportunities and experiences we would never have had if everything went our way. 🙂 That’s how I’m now trying to accept and deal with not having control over so many situations and evolvements.
Hi Liesbet! One thing that Michael Singer is very clear about is that we need to practice with the little stuff. As we build up our “muscles” with that, we can take on bigger and bigger triggers and distractions. So what I’ve been doing is focusing on the little nagging things that aren’t anything big but still really annoying. A huge part is catching my mind as it starts creating a melodrama in my head about “it shouldn’t be that way” or “they should be doing that” or “its not fair” or “who do they think they are?” All those things can start small and grow big in our brains if we don’t stop them when they get started. Learning to relax and release those thoughts is really helping me.
I’m not surprised you are being triggered A LOT lately with all you have going on in your life. However you do it, I hope you find some peace in your mind to enjoy your adventure. ~Kathy
I found myself in a situation that made me feel angry and frustrated, mainly because it is a system issue that is beyond my power to fix. What to do? I decided i could either rail against it for ever or just let it go and make myself become less ? irritated. Once i understood i don’t have the power to fix it, the problem is not mine. So i can pick my own problems to fix that i can and let the other ones go. Keeping batteries charged with a new easy to use battery charger. Literally and metaphorically. It makes me feel less unhappy.
Hi Ann! Thanks for sharing your experience with dealing with acceptance and nonattachment. As you say, many of the things that we get freaked out about we have absolutely no control over anyway, but because we’ve become identified with certain thoughts and beliefs about how “things SHOULD be!” we allow them to really get to us when things don’t go accordingly. I like your metaphor about keeping your batteries charged because Michael Singer advises us all to practice letting go of our “thorns” and relaxing in the space in our quiet minds. Glad you’ve found something working for you. Just keep remembering!!! ~Kathy
Thank you for this wonderful reality check; I also love the ladder analogy ?
Hi Rita! Thank YOU! And although I’d love to take credit for the ladder metaphor, I can’t. It usually is referred to in books and stories about “success” but I thought it worked perfectly for me too. Thanks for your comment. ~Kathy
An excellent post. As I get older and find myself constantly losing parts of me I loved…travel, mobility, children/grandchildren moving away, my mobility, etc., a calmness comes over me when I accept where I am in my journey. Being grateful for all I have is a blessing and acceptance is my key to finding peace and happiness.
Hi Pat. Thank you. Yes I do believe that as life changes for us due to age or simply life, then it helps to accept the moments in front of us with gratitude. Michael Singer offers a chapter in his book on death that is really, really good. If we can learn to see (and accept) things as time goes by is a gift for sure. Thanks for your comment. ~Kathy
I’d really like to hear how you plan to “take it all the way in.” I think you’re on to something here. Which of Singer’s books would you recommend first?
Thanks!
Hi Jackie. One think I appreciate about Michael Singer’s approach is his admitting that it takes a lot of practice. I’ve been working on it for several weeks and I can already tell it is making a difference. So much of it is “bad” or sloppy thinking where I let my mind just freak out about silly things. Catching myself “in the act” and then letting go, relaxing and focusing on my heart is helping so much. I’ll let you know how it goes. As for where to start, his first book “the untethered soul” is the best kickoff. Plus there are lots of interviews of him on podcasts. I’m not crazy about his own podcast cuz he can get repetitive (I prefer when someone interviews him). I just listened to Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday interview of him in 2017 and it is a really good start. ~Kathy
What a thought-provoking post. I think it is in our human nature to seek happiness. I love your line, “my ongoing search for happiness might be a ladder leaning against the wrong wall.” Acceptance seems like an excellent way to release control and the subsequent stress associated with it, and indirectly lead to more happiness. I look forward to hearing what discoveries you make while you lean into your WOTY.
Hi Marian. Thanks. You nailed it when you said it is a “way to release control and subsequent stress associated with it.” If we don’t let the thoughts in our heads freak us out over every little thing we don’t like, then we can rest in the silence where natural joy dwells. How did you guess I’ll be sharing my experience as the year unfolds? 😉 ~Kathy
So right. That’s why sailors and surfers are happy people.
Hi Tom! Exactly! When we are riding the waves and not fighting against them we are usually in the flow! Keep surfing my friend! ~Kathy