A good friend named Mark recently bought a new truck. To call it a pickup is grossly inadequate. Mark arrived one day in this shiny enormous vehicle with four doors, cushy soft leather seats, a fully digital dashboard with onboard space-like technology, a moonroof that spanned the entire length of both the front and back seats, and automatic retractable step-bars that lower and raise as you open the doors. I’ll admit I was a bit envious as I looked at my aging twelve-year-old Nissan Murano sitting next to it. But after hearing the “great deal” Mark got by paying only $50,000 for a $65,000 priced truck, all envy evaporated. My Murano is free and clear, still looks decent, and reliably gets me everywhere I want to go. Meanwhile, our family savings sits safely secure in investments that generate automatic cash flow. Instead of envy, I now have pride—pride in the benefits of a frugal and rightsized life.
Yet if you think about it, it’s not popular to go around bragging about being frugal. I know when I was much younger I equated being frugal with being cheap and miserly. My memories contain television shows like Dynasty and Lifestyles of the Rich And Famous as the ultimate in success. And who can forget the American Dream described as being, “The one with most toys wins?”
But new research by Unity Marketing completed in 2015 confirms the popular book titled, The Millionaire Next Door written by Thomas J. Stanley and William D. Danko back in 1996. While many in the public believe that the wealthy spend money extravagantly, the research proves otherwise. The Unity Market report confirms that the majority of wealthy individuals in our country live either below or well within their means. They are careful shoppers and insist on good quality and value. Most drive common brand cars like Fords and live in relatively modest homes under $400,000. Most distinctly, they are aggressive savers. In contrast, it is the high-income, low wealth people who conspicuously consume the most.
Of course, I don’t know Mark’s financial situation. He might easily be able to afford to buy his truck and see the costs as minuscule. What he buys or doesn’t buy isn’t my business. But what came to mind was something that I heard over and over again back when I started in real estate. We were told that we needed to buy and purchase a luxury vehicle, regardless of whether we could afford it, because that would entice others to work with us because we would appear successful. That was thirty years ago, and if anything that idea that a person’s image is more important than the reality of who they are is even more deeply entrenched in today’s American lifestyle. And it is likely a big reason why people are so in debt, stressed out, and struggling in our country.
That led me to recall the article I wrote several weeks ago about hygge. Hygge suggests that being closely connected with friends and family, without trying to impress others or spend money you don’t have, is a key to well being. Many in Sweden and other countries in the Netherlands put a high value on hygge and that contributes to making them one of the happiest countries on Earth.
But something else popped out when I was researching. Another characteristic that helps make the Swedes so content and happy is a common word they use called “lagom.” Basically, this word means “just the right amount.” Sufficiency, enoughness, or “in balance” also fit the definition. In many ways the Swedes live a Swedish version of what I call rightsizing. It has nothing to do with being cheap, and everything to do with spending money wisely, sufficiently and in balance on those things that truly matter.
According to a John Helliwell, a Senior Fellow at the Canadian Institute for Advanced Research, “In Norway, it’s quite common for people to paint each others houses even though they can afford to pay to have their houses painted.” Helliwell continues with, “They go out of their way to help each other, and it becomes a social event, and those events are enormously supportive of well-being.” In other words, they aren’t trying to impress others with displays of wealth. Instead, they see common and everyday chores as a way to connect and befriend one another on a deeper level.
Meanwhile, here in the United States, many people seem to prefer a wealthy image rather than an actual state of “enoughness.” Spend any time watching television and we are force-fed advertisements telling us how better off we will look, smell, feel and enjoy by purchasing the product being sold. Perhaps even worse, the majority of television programs imply that unless you are “House Hunting” for a newly remodeled home in an exotic location around the world, coming up with the next big thing on Shark Tank, or dreaming of living as royalty in Downton Abbey, your life has little consequence. Conspicuous consumption is forced upon us as both normal and desirable.
But what if there is another way? What if we started praising the frugal? Instead of admiring the purchase of my friend Mark, what if we started praising someone like my friend Larry. Larry has been driving a used and modest economy car for years now. He could easily afford a more expensive car but because he loves to play golf twice a week, he feels good about offsetting the cost of something he really enjoys by driving a vehicle that gets him where he wants to go.
Or what about admiring my artist friend Carol who creates amazing pieces of art out of recyclables and trash that she finds in the most unlikely places? She takes great pride in transforming something questionable into something of beauty. What if instead, we starting looking around for things we could do for ourselves? What if we started offering to help others with basic chores and let go of our hesitation of asking others to help us when the time comes?
Let’s never forget that our judgments about what people spend money on, what they own, and how they look demonstrate what we feel is important. If we gush over a person’s extravagant house, car, clothing or whatever, we tell them, our children and ourselves that image and material items are more important than character, kindness, and connection. When we praise conspicuous consumption we support a culture that supports superficial qualities—rather than integrity and inner value.
What I’ve learned over the course of my life is that living frugally, just like rightsizing, isn’t a sacrifice. Rather, it is learning to focus on what really matters and to find pleasure and enjoyment in more simple and profound experiences often right in front of us.
Since Thom and I began rightsizing our lives six years ago we have gradually shifted our focus away from buying things to distract, entertain, or to fulfill cravings we didn’t know how to fill otherwise. After all, as author-speaker Abraham-Hicks teaches, the real reason most of us want that “stuff” in the first place is because of how we think it will make us feel. By focusing instead on what we hoped to feel by buying anything new—like a new truck, house, furniture, shoes—we can then decide if the tradeoff costs are worth it.
Is it easy? No, not always. But like any habit, it does get easier. Are we perfect examples? Not hardly. Every day, like everyone else, Thom and I are challenged by the constant pull of advertisements and our own lack of imagination for otherwise fulfilling our innermost needs. But again, the more we all focus on the benefits of a thrifty lifestyle, the easier it gets. In my opinion, the frugal lifestyle has gotten a bad reputation. Maybe the SMART perspective is to begin to loudly and actively praise the frugal in all that we say and do.
I think there are many careers that try to force us into some mold to show our success. For me I was a cosmetologist in my first career. I was taught to never leave the house, even to be seen getting the mail without my hair, makeup and clothes being perfect because I needed to show I knew my trade well. That message was so ingrained that I look back now at the countless hours I wasted, and the money, to have that perfect look with sadness.
While I still see people who are stuck in the mindset of having it all I see more people who are settling in to a life of less and finding more happiness. For every one who glows with contentment another will ask what they are doing differently and will take away the message that there might be another way. In my own family I have a son who rebelled my frugal ways. He wanted what he saw his peers had. He found the job that paid him to have the nicer things but when he lost that job he realized he had traded his time with his children for money. Today, he has simplified his life and expenses enough that he is able to get by working two days a week and spending the rest of the time at home with his children. It’s my hope that more people see they can do more with less voluntarily before it is forced on them.
Hi Lois! You have always been a hero of mine for your creative, simple and frugal lifestyle. I definitely admire the example that you set and write about on your own blog. While we can’t always convince others of the wisdom we’ve learned, I can’t help but believe the example we set is one that may eventually be a beacon on of hope to others. Yes, to the day when “more people see they can do more with less voluntarily before it is forced on them.” Thanks as always for your comments. ~Kathy
I agree with this so much Kathy! I drive a 9 year old Hyundai and while I could afford to buy a new car the one I have works just fine and leaves my finances in a much happier state. Living within your means (or under) is the SMART way to be!
Hi Rena! Good for you for keeping your working vehicle as long as it fits your needs. And after reading your blog for years now, I think you’ve done a great job at rightsizing your life. Thanks for your thoughts on this! ~Kathy
Cathy,
I loved you article and appreciated all the thoughtful comments of your readers. As several people pointed out, there needs to be a balance of what we buy and how we save. For me, the most important thought in all the conversation is your comment –What if we started offering to help others with basic chores and let go of our hesitation of asking others to help us when the time comes?
I like that because it has so many values. The money we save could go to a charity if someone wishes to do so. Equally important is the thought that when we help others we foster a caring community–something we need so terribly right now.
Hi Nora! Yes, I too have appreciated all the perspectives offered by the commenters. As a blogger, you know how impossible it is to put EVERY THOUGHT into one article so it’s a great way to see different angles don’t you think. And I so agree that being able to support ideas and charities we believe in when we aren’t just blowing our money on every little thing that comes into our awareness. And yes to fostering a caring community. Wouldn’t we all benefit from that? `Kathy
When the day comes when I meet a new person and that person doesn’t judge me by the way I look, the way I act, the way I speak, then we’ll talk.
Till then, the facade continues.
I live the way I want when I am alone.
When I am out in public, the show goes on.
Hi Cindi….I’m not sure whether it is possible for humans (okay maybe the Dali Lama is exempt) from seeing and observing differences in each other. Most of us do it unconsciously. I strive not to erase my observations, but not to let them guide or prejudice me as much as possible. I also strive very, very strongly to not let others judgments or observations of me ever keep me from attempting to live authentically. When you think about it, it is our differences that make us unique and interesting. I do not want to live among robots that look, think or act like me. Heaven forbid. That would be hell on earth! ~Kathy
Funny how we are always looking for a good deal on items we want to buy. We boomers still have that materialistic mindset (many have overcome it, many like me are still trying) and feel that it’s OK to buy something of a splurge. I spent over a year biting my nails about buying an expensive camera. I could have gone to Costco and grabbed a great one for $1000, but I just couldn’t. Instead I patiently did my research and asked others what they used and finally got an answer on a camera for less than half that price. While I praise frugality, I also look at the value and the benefits of buying something that I may consider a luxury (Michele just posted about this subject–boy are you two on the same page!). Your friend with the expensive truck may love the benefits and maybe it is an investment for his future, etc, but it doesn’t sound like a good value/deal. I am happy every day that I have the sense even at midlife to think twice about buying luxury items.
Hi Terri! Thank you so much for highlighting what RIGHTSIZING really means! It doesn’t mean that we don’t all splurge on those things that are important and meaningful to us…it means that we think them through carefully to find out if it is really something that will enhance our lives rather than just doing something out of habit. Of course, I obviously think that it is better to NEVER buy something or even do something to impress others… If we do or buy anything, I can’t help but believe that doing it mindfully is always better. So yes, I can’t know for you or my friend with the truck any more than you can know for me and my brand new imac. 🙂 Plus, I don’t think we can necessarily judge what luxury is to one person either. WE are all different but when we rightsize, we mindfully make choices that fit us and our lifestyle the best. It sounds like you do made a very conscious choice with your camera purchase and that is what I believe is a rightsized frugal choice. Thanks again for helping me clarify that! ~Kathy
It really is too bad that we as a society don’t value frugality more. I keep hearing that we have a “consumer-based” economy and I wonder what that says about us and our values. How much do we really need and what are we willing to sacrifice to attain all those goodies?
I feel sad when I look at economic reports for the country, and realize that so much of what we celebrate is based in consumption. If we throw away a still-good blow dryer because there’s a nicer model available, that looks good on the productivity/GDP balance sheets, but it’s a corrupt measurement. Plus, now there’s a piece of serviceable equipment in the landfill, and more pollution has been emitted to create the new thing. Which we spent our precious money on. Wake up, people.
Hi Kathy – my husband and I have declared an uber-frugal year, only buying what is absolutely necessary. That means, no new clothes, shoes, vehicle “stuff”, eating out only on a few special occasions, no new books/DVDs (the library can get us pretty much anything we might need). We each have a certain travel allowance and when that’s gone – no more for the year. I have already canceled one workshop that required a plane ticket. Why are we doing all this? We want to save $40k to build infrastructure for a project that will both provide a community service and cash flow for our future. No need to take out a loan if we can muster up the cash.
I am a member of several minimalist and zero waste groups on Facebook. Living frugally and having a low carbon footprint is really everyone’s responsibility, as their contribution to a better planet. That’s just my humble opinion. I have been reading books like Charles Eisenstein’s Sacred Economics – very inspiring!
Hi Annette! Congratulations! Good for you and your entire family for taking such a bold and visible leap into frugal and voluntary simplicity! And I agree that having a special “why” helps to keep the vision alive. Plus thanks for mentioning something that is very important, and that is belonging to groups and hanging out with people who are also committed to living a similar lifestyle. You don’t have to be all the same, but that similar value is very important. Good luck on all your adventures and may it fulfill all your hopes for the future. ~Kathy
I would say you are not wrong. The values you are advocating are good values. American culture is enormously wasteful and polluting – highly carbon-intensive – and it doesn’t make us happy.
But, it’s complicated. There are people who make their living by painting houses. And if every American did as you suggest, it would probably cause a new recession with accompanying job losses and impoverishment of people at the lower end of the economic scale. This is because our economic system is built on money – on consumer spending – rather than on providing for people’s needs. Economic recovery has been slowed by lagging consumer spending – by low “consumer confidence” – which is just the willingness of people to spend the money they have because they are confident that more money will come in.
This doesn’t mean we should all go out and spend. As I said, you are not wrong. But we as a society need to re-think our whole economic structure to focus on people rather than money and that isn’t easy. Earning a piece of the pie was supposed to depend on work, with money being just a mechanism to facilitate the exchange. Instead, getting any of the pie has come to depend entirely on money, and the relationship between work and money is so distorted as to be barely recognizable. We have plenty of work that needs to be done to meet the needs of society, and plenty of people looking for work that would pay them a decent wage, but we can’t get the two together because the people who control the money have no interest in doing it.
Rethinking what we really want and need along the lines that you suggest is, I think, something that should be part of the larger rethinking process.
Hi Carol! I totally agree that most issues of importance are complicated and there are always more than one way to look at things. But I honestly don’t think house painters need to be worried about losing all their work because there will still be plenty of people who will need them. While it is a job I particularly don’t like, some people might enjoy it and create a “social event” out of it to make it more rewarding. And although they wouldn’t be handing their money over to a professional house painter, they would then have that money to use in another way and potentially keep a new avenue of workers employed. It’s a cycle wouldn’t you say?
It does of course touch on our entire system of capitalism and economics here in the west, and we could probably discuss that for hours. What I hoped to convey in this post was that we all have choices about what and where we spend our money, and if we are doing it to impress others or reach for a lifestyle that we simply can’t afford–that will prove to be either unsustainable or unsatisfactory. While I sincerely believe that the entire system could/should be revised to be more equitable for all, we presently have to work with what is happening right now. Not always easy, and some surely have it easier than others.
A big reason the people in Scandinavian countries are happier is because they don’t need to worry about healthcare for themselves, their children or aging parents or grandparents. They have good childcare while working, free higher education and a host of social programs that allow people to help paint each other’s houses if that makes them happy. They also get paid vacations and work shorter work weeks than do those of us in the west. Of course they pay high taxes but they have real benefits that reduce stress. While I’m not about to move there (too cold!!!!) I do think we could learn a lot from their economic system. What do you think? ~Kathy
“Enoughness” is another great term Kathy. I practice this imperfectly.
The Norwegian custom of helping one’s neighbors was exemplified when I was a child growing up in the midwest. One day after a tornado, we loaded up the truck with tools, rakes, shovels, gloves etc and drove until we found a farm which had been hit by the tornado. We helped clean up the mess. One of things that was amazing is that no one was surprised by the action my father initiated, “its’ just what you do.” We did not know these people and never saw them again. What a great feeling and obviously still a great memory!
Hi Gary! Glad you liked the “enoughness” word. I think author Lynne Twist uses it too. It does seem to answer a deeper need don’t you think? And yes to the often outdated custom of helping our neighbors. We have gotten so ruggedly individualist in our country that most people avoid asking for help even when they really need it. I suppose like Haralee says in her comment that some people can use that to take advantage of others. But I can’t help but believe the vast majority of us would honor each other more by recognizing that we can both give and receive help and assistance along with way without abusing others in any way–or ourselves for that matter. As you say, the great feeling you got as a young person to recognize that “it’s just what you do” to help others, was/is a great lesson. Thanks for sharing that. f ~Kathy
Great post. The word Frugal has a bad rap. I like to say I live economically sensible.
2 stories: 1.At the turn of the century I went to my financial planner and said I wanted to stop working full time and go part time. He told me I could not. I asked him to rework the numbers. He did and still said I could not give up my full time job. I fired him and got another FP and 2 years later went to work part time.
Story 2: An associate I have known for decades worked part time at best even though she had opportunity and means to work full time, and mooched off of anyone and everyone and has always been an exceedingly lazy person. Now says she is a minimalist! She ridicules those that have more. She is not a minimalist, she has accepted being poor because it suits her needs.
She is an example of giving frugality it’s bad rap!
Hi Haralee! Thanks for offering these examples. There are lots of ways of looking at frugality and I think they deserve a fleshing out so that we recognize what is beneficial and what is just another word for cheap and/or irresponsible! In case #1–good for you for taking the initiative with your finances and deciding when and how you were going to live. That’s really SMART in my book and no doubt took some frugal management to do it. As for case #2–I unfortunately I think many of us know one or two of these types of people. Using frugal OR minimalism to get out of trying to take care of themselves is as you say, what give frugality a particularly bad rap. I like what you call yourself, “economically sensible.” Thom and I tend to say we are “fiscally conservative and socially liberal.” As always, keeping it in a rightsized perspective is always good. ~Kathy
The Norwegian act of helping paint each others’ buildings embodies a rural lifestyle of neighbors helping neighbors. It’s a lifestyle that is being eroded from my perspective. When we do basic chores together, we build community and relationships; what could be more important or better than that? We are always being enticed with the next best thing whether it’s a vehicle, house, clothing, electronic device, etc. Just because you qualify for the half million dollar home doesn’t mean you have to purchase it. My cousin told a story of a vacation to Hawaii last spring. Later in the year, she was camping at a local lake watching a sunrise with a cup of coffee. She commented that the experience at the lake was every bit as good (or more) as Hawaii.
Hi Mona! Yes, I knew that the helping your neighbors with chores really did reflect the lifestyle of many American’s in the past (and hopefully some today!) And as you say, that really builds community. And yes, one of my favorite sayings is “just because you can doesn’t mean you should” and that certainly comes from spending money. If we can get to the “root” of the feeling we hope anything will bring us, that helps us make much SMARTer and more sustainable choices every single time. Thanks for your thoughts on this! ~Kathy
This hits a recurrent argument I’m having with myself, Kathy. I don’t lust after material things. Except one. I truly lust after the Sprinter van. Not for status, but for what it would provide for my dog showing! It has a ton more room than I have now (although what I have now has ‘enough’ room). When traveling across country with dogs, you always need more space. I love the feel of sitting up so high (although the van I have now perches me quite nicely). The diesel engine should last the rest of my life (I don’t have a counter to that).
The thing is, as you said, the big van I have works fine. It has 185,000 miles on it, but they tell me it’ll run for at least twice that and maybe more. And yep, it’s paid for. As opposed to $80K (not a typo) for the Sprinter.
I’d have to be a gazillionaire to pull the trigger on that amount. It’s as much as a starter house!
Yet and still, ahhhhhhh . . . Lol.
Hi Susan! I feel your pain!!! Don’t we all face choices like that? And I’ve seen those Sprinter Vans and you’re right, they are very nice. And Thom just bought me a new imac during the Xmas season…sort of a present but something I had convinced myself I needed 🙂 My argument was much like yours….my old one was over 10 years old and not only was it VERY slow but a lot of the new software didn’t work on it. But when it comes down to it, we all have to make choices and decisions that work for us….not anyone else. I think the really SMART thing to do is for us to be super aware of our needs, our desires, and our choices. So many money worries come from blind actions don’t you think. That’s why I love the idea of rightsizing because it really is an individual lifestyle design. Let me know what you eventually do about that van! 🙂 ~Kathy
That’s exactly it, Kathy–be aware of our needs, desires, and choices. Which is why I’m letting this desire just percolate. Lol! I’ll let you know where that takes me!
I’ve retweeted this post, Kathy, because it is filled with so much wisdom and common sense (which is sadly much less common these days). Turning our focus to ‘rIghtsizing’, ‘enoughness’ and ‘being, closely connected with friends and family, without trying to impress’ will certainly lead us all to a much improved world.
Hi Donna! Thank you for helping to share this and get the word out. Can you imagine how better off so many of us would be if we could just remember what REALLY matters to us? I sure wish I could have learned it earlier myself. Better late than never right? ~Kathy
I drive an old car yet have cruised Europe. Many of my clothes are bargains and yet I surround myself with good books some art and always music. We have had to make some sacrifices because if my husband’s health. So what?? We are together and our family is doing well. When they need us we are there for them. It’s all about Smart choices. Beth
Hi Beth! Don’t you think that one of the huge benefits of positive aging is that we start realizing that all that exterior stuff doesn’t matter nearly as much as we thought it did when we were young? At least that’s how it seems to me. And yes, there are ALWAYS trade-offs! But we can either resent them or do like you suggest and realize that in the end, what you most desire is being close together with your family. And you know I love your idea of SMART choices! Good for you! ~Kathy