In another lifetime I am certain I would have become a social scientist. I love learning about why I and other people think and do things like we do. So naturally when I stumbled upon a new interview of author and Wharton Business School Professor Adam Grant, I couldn’t wait to hear his thoughts. Just to be clear, I haven’t yet read his new book Think Again—The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know. But I was so excited about his ideas from several interviews that I simply couldn’t wait to put some of them down on paper and share them with you. Call it cheating if you want, I like to tell myself I have yours and mine best interests at heart. Undoubtedly, that is just another example of how we can easily fool ourselves into believing what we believe is true for everyone. So yes, there is power in being willing to know you can’t be certain about those many things you think you know.
Let’s start with the idea that most of us believe that intelligence is highly desirable. Grant challenges that assumption because he says that a far more critical skill might be the ability to “rethink” and “relearn” things. Unfortunately most of us (yeah, me too!) don’t like thinking too hard about things. Or, if people challenge our thinking we often see it as a threat to our egos (who me?) rather than a learning opportunity. If we continue to just hang around with those that agree with us, our thinking gets brittle—considerably more quickly than our bones (who wants that?) In fact, Grant is convinced that in some ways the “smarter” we think we are, the worse we are at rethinking and have blinders on about our own mental limitations.
I think as the last couple of years have shown us, just trying to convince those who disagree with us that they are wrong, doesn’t work that well. Research shows that even when you offer what you believe to be convincing facts to the other (we judge as wrong) person, they seldom change their minds. According to Grant that is because what they are doing is exactly like what we are doing, becoming one of three metaphors (or the Three “Ps”) for how we address other people:
- The preacher. The preacher is so convinced that he has already found the one and only truth he just needs to pound the truth into you and you’ll get it. This person literally stands on his pulpit and tells others what and when and why his thinking is the one and only right way to think.
- The prosecutor. This approach sees every disagreement as a court case they must win. Others are simply wrong. The prosecutor will continue to throw out their certainty by giving example after example of their “rightness,” and finishes up with what they believe is an irrefutable closing statement. This goes far beyond a mere debate because they aren’t really hearing the opposing lawyer at all—they are just in it for the win.
- The politician. This person doesn’t care as much about being right. The politician wants your vote or approval. If they can get you on their side, or jump over on yours, they are okay with that. Of course, they don’t always change their beliefs, they just act like they do.
The first two types of people tend to get activated when they feel any resistance from others to their ideas. Unfortunately, according to Grant they aren’t really thinking—they are just resorting to automatic pilot and attempt to show you they are right and you are wrong. The Politician appears more flexible in their thinking and easier to get along with, but their true motivation is to fit in, be liked or to get your support. In other words, they aren’t really thinking either.
Regrettably I see a little bit of each one of these approaches in my own thinking. The more I care about the subject/topic, the more likely I am to become them. Just knowing that I often resort to being a prosecutor makes me want to do better in the future. Besides, I would rather be known as someone who allows her mind to be provoked, flexible and relearn things, than to be fossilized with the mind that thinks it knows everything to being with.
Grant makes a strong case for us all to challenge everything we believe. He advocates that we approach our thoughts and beliefs like scientists proving our theories rather than warriors defending our honor. He is also a big fan of humility. He says, “If knowledge is power, knowing what we don’t know is wisdom.” And while that might make sense, living that on a daily basis especially with people or ideas more challenging is likely more difficult. That’s why he offers several suggestions to keep us rethinking and relearning what we know. Some of his advice includes:
- Come up with at least one reason why you could be wrong.
- Beware of founders’ syndrome—where something worked well in the past but is no longer viable.
- Get over your discomfort at being in doubt. Actually appreciate it when you don’t know something!
- Be curious about what you don’t know.
- Become a scientist about your idea/belief rather than a salesman (or preacher or prosecutor!)
- Start with the mindset that your idea is just a theory. Try to poke holes in your own theories!
- Find joy in being wrong. Technically being wrong is just one step on the path to relearning!
- Collect a small group of people you trust to critic and question your ideas and truly listen to them.
- Don’t blindly follow your intuition, test your intuition.
- Instead of giving answers, ask more questions.
- Listen like you are interviewing the other person about their beliefs and talk much less!
Grant offers many specific examples of the value of an open mind that can rethink and relearn in both the home and at the workplace. He is also adamant that cultivating flexibility, humility and curiosity are far greater attributes than a foolish consistency. Sure it is nice to think we know things, but if it doesn’t lead to wisdom, is that really what the world needs now? I remain intrigued by what Adam Grant details in his book so much so that I still intend to buy and read it. In a world that is changing rapidly and so quickly, it is likely SMART to remember that most of us don’t know nearly as much as we think we do. But we can always rethink and relearn!
Oh dear, I definitely have some politician tendencies! The pandemic really led me to rethink a lot of the opinions I actually held and to be open to re-examining and adjusting my beliefs. My yoga teacher/mentor and I supported each other a lot during the lockdown, and we have had a lot of discussions about politics, leading up to the election. One of us tends to vote Republican and the other usually votes Democrat. And yet our discussions were about understanding each other and finding our truth. We weren’t trying to change the other person’s mind, but we both did end up adjusting our beliefs as a result of our conversations.
And in the meantime, I had a friend who was absolutely a preacher! We had only met in person 5 times, and we both favored the same political party. Every time I posted anything remotely political on Facebook, this friend would end up writing 5 or more comments disagreeing with me, and then start texting me incessantly, saying more to back up her point! This contributed greatly to my (very good) decision to leave Facebook, and I actually ended up having to block the friend on my phone.
Reminds me of the old Paul Simon line: “A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.” I hope Grant’s publisher sends a copy of his book to every member of Congress.
Hi Tom! Yes wise words from Paul Simon. And perfect examples of some of Grant’s ideas in Congress today so I agree they should all read his book…and maybe the rest of us too!!! ~Kathy
Great article Kathy! I got off of my own high horse when our pastor always asked, What do you believe? and Why do you believe what you believe? Not only did I learn that a lot of my beliefs were flawed but that they really weren’t my own but passed down to me over the years. I’ve learned to listen more and I don’t argue with others about their own truths for our experiences differ and I am much more open minded now.
Hi Amanda! Good for your pastor for asking those questions! I’d say he/she was a rare one. Always good to question why we believe what we believe and NEVER be afraid to relearn or rethink them, right! Let’s all do our best to stay as open minded as possible! ~Kathy
Really interesting (as always) Kathy – As I’m getting older I seem to have less desire to defend my position – I’m happy to let others believe their own stuff and to just get on with sticking to my own set of values and beliefs without feeling the need to justify myself to the peanut gallery. And don’t get me started on the FB preachers! It’s a platform for showing pics of your holidays and pets – not for ranting about your political/religious/climate change/alien lifeforms/……opinions. (Just sayin’ !)
Hi Leanne! Good for you for not seeing the need to defend your position. And I’m all for sticking to our values but Grant does make a big point about how often we become so identified with our “values” and or beliefs that we unconsciously avoid even questioning whether they need to be rethought or relearned. He reminded me that the world is changing so rapidly that it would be “wise” to re-examine our beliefs every now and then to make sure that they are remain true as time goes by. And while I LOVE to share holidays and pets on FB, I also reserve the right to speak my mind about things I find vitally important in our world–including those alien lifeforms hahaha! I do however, do my best to research the things I post rather than just blast them out without thinking. Thanks for your thoughts on this Leanne! ~Kathy
A great topic, Kathy, especially after having come to the understanding that the two big camps in this country are stubborn in their own ways and can’t understand the other side’s beliefs and convictions.
I actually never thought high intelligence was desirable, because with that comes a lot of responsibility and overthinking which causes stress and exhaustion. 🙂 But, what I think Grant meant in this case is that we all want to believe we are intelligent, hence we stick to our guns. Because, if we are right, we obviously are knowledgeable… 🙂
I like the quote “If knowledge is power, knowing what we don’t know is wisdom.” Tough to uphold. I don’t know so many things, but I doubt I’m a wise woman. 🙂
Hi Liesbet! Thanks for bringing up that word “stubborn” because it brings up something that I think many of us are. (yeah, me sometimes for sure.) And doesn’t that sound better than a “know it all?” But in some ways they are closely related. And the idea of being “right” about what we know is so satisfying in some ways isn’t it. Just so many reminders about what to watch out for and look for in our own personalities. And I’m guessing you are wiser than you know! ~Kathy
Great Kathy,
These are the two that resonated with me the most:
Become a scientist about your idea/belief rather than a salesman (or preacher or prosecutor!)
Listen like you are interviewing the other person about their beliefs and talk much less!
Hi Gary! I know you teach a LOT about communication skills but I loved some of his ideas too. Always something new we can learn, huh? ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, That sounds like a very interesting book indeed! And a worthy read. I have to agree with what he is saying. I find that I can have a tendency to go into the “prosecutor” mode sometimes. However, I always try to keep an open mind and listen to other people more than talk. I’ve always been that way. I have never thought I know it all. A day without learning something new, no matter how large or small, is not a good day. I like to constantly open my mind to alternatives and the what if’s of the world. I have to agree with Suzanne. If more people would use and depend on common sense more than IQ points, I think we all would become a little bit more empathetic/sympathetic to everyone in our sphere. Thanks for sharing your thoughts as always – very insightful!!
Hi Debbie! I’m guessing that most of the people who read SMART Living tend to keep an open mind and enjoying hearing and learning new ideas. (I hope I’m not fooling myself about that!!!) I just found it so important to be reminded that it is really easy for us all to think we “know” something especially at our age. I sure don’t want to be that cranky old person that thinks she knows more than a lot of people and won’t listen to other points of view. And yes, common sense and empathy for us all would be beneficial! Still, I am concerned about the divisions in our country and the world and found many of his ideas helpful about how we might bridge that gap. ~Kathy
I guess there are some “disagreements” (such as the existence of climate change) that I really have no interest in opening my mind to arguments on the other side. Nor do I have any desire to try convincing them otherwise if I sense they are entrenched in their position (as they might argue that I am). Now, give me a scientist who has a good, fact-filled, basis for her position on what climate change could mean to the planet, and I’m all ears. I like nothing better than a good, respectful, discussion about any number of topics (which is why I so enjoy our wide-ranging conversations). I’m not saying that I can’t be pig-headed, I just don’t feel comfortable as either the preacher or prosecutor, and I’m sure no politician 🙂
Hi Janis! Thank you so much for helping to clarify this. Grant is NOT suggesting that we believe everyone or “sketchy” reasons people think the way some people do. He admits that we do have to use discretion when gathering facts or listening to experts about topics. He is mainly concerned at how he believes we are at a disadvantage as people or even as a culture with the unwillingness to explore controversial subjects with each other because being extremely divided doesn’t move anything forward. He also says, if I remember correctly, that a lot of the time we have more in common (or at least a few things) in common with others than we realize, but if we put them on the other side of the wall, we are being as extreme as they are.
One interesting example he gave was studies into how the best way to get people with opposing views to consider a more “balanced” view. He said it used to be that we would get a person to talk and befriend one other person who had a different view. They did it with dramatically opposed sports team enthusiasts. But rather than convince them that the other side had any merit, the person would say something like, “Well he’s okay but I still hate all the others!” Then they tried making them feel like part of a bigger whole…like you all like baseball…surely that means you have something in common. Nope, that didn’t work either. They found the most effective way to bridge the gap was to question a person’s “origin story.” Asking questions like, can you imagine how you would feel about that opposing team if you had been born in a city where that was the favorite team? By having them relate to how it might have changed them if they had been born under different circumstances, they often began to shift their own thinking. They did similar tests around controversial issues like gun control, abortion and “to be vaccinated” and found that by getting to the “origin” of a person’s belief they could open a window into a deeper discussion about it.
While most of us don’t need to hear the views of the dramatically opposing side, Grant suggests that we are losing the ability to understand motivations different than our own. I find this most compelling around the ideas of those people I care about but struggle to understand their thinking. He also offers a lot of examples of how this can benefit those in the work place and business in general. As Suzanne said in her comment, I think it all depends on our motivations and needs. Thanks for bringing up what I’m sure others are thinking about this topic. I just find it fascinating to discover how so many of us “think” and react often often without awareness. ~Kathy
Kathy, I agree with Grant here and would add that most intelligent people would fare better with fewer IQ points and a healthy dose of common sense. In the end, it always comes down to communication skills. Listening for understanding, restating for clarity, showing empathy, asking questions that aren’t laced with accusations, or ‘gotchas’. The list goes on. Basically, stop being any of the above and just be human. Always good food for thought from you guys. Thanks!
Hi Suzanne! I agree with everything you said, “except” the admonition for us all to be human. Because I think it is a very natural human tendency for the majority of us to behave with the mindsets of “The Three Ps” as listed. Even Grant himself admitted to having to stop himself from slipping into his favorite “prosecutor” role. However, with the right education in communication skills, we can learn to listen, restate for clarity, show empathy and ask the right questions. There is so much we can all learn about communication, but I would guess that a very common (and human) problem is many of us think we already know what we need to know. Ha! Grant repeatedly says we should all watch out for anyone (or ourselves) when they/us have just a little bit of knowledge. He thinks that is far more problematic than knowing nothing because we overestimate what we know. That’s why he believes in the idea of humility so much. Anyway, lots to learn and relearn from his work. He certainly reminded me that I don’t really know as much as I think I do! Glad it got you thinking too! ~Kathy
Very good, Kathy. An important reminder to keep our minds open. Nothing ages a person faster than becoming set in their ways (and thoughts).
Deb
Hi Deb! Isn’t that the truth? We all spend a lot of energy trying to stay young…but we forget our mind can age us faster than anything! Let’s keep reminding each other, okay? ~Kathy
Good advice! In my first marriage, I was married to a “prosecutor,” and it was unpleasant. I became a “politician” just to cope — before finally giving up and divorcing. It’s SO much nicer now to have a partner who has strong opinions but who can listen to my strong opinions, too!
I think what I learned from this was that it’s not the strength of the opinions/beliefs/preferences that matter but 1) what motives lie behind those expressed ideas (just selfishness? desire to triumph? or real, heartfelt emotions and thoughts?) and 2) sympathetic engagement with the other person.
Thanks for interesting thoughts, as always!
Hi Nancy! Good for you for finding a partner that can listen to your ideas so well. Thom and I have “evolved” through many of these mindsets but they still pop up now and then. Thankfully we are still learning as we go. And what you said about the “why” and motivations behind the conversation is so important. Grant recommends that too. He suggests asking before you get into a conversation that might be confrontational that you just come out and ask what the other person wants/needs. I am going to attempt to do that a lot more in the future. ~Kathy
Be curious. Ask questions. Listen more. Talk less. Shelve our defensiveness.
This is all great advice for learning, growing and communicating. Thank you for putting these thoughts down on paper (or computer)!
Hi Donna! As the saying goes, I write what I most need to hear. Please remind me of this if I forget! ~Kathy
Amen!
Hi Steve! hahahaha! I have never known you to use so much brevity! Nice to hear from you. ~Kathy