As many of you know, I’ve been writing about rightsizing for several years now. The concept of rightsizing constantly helps me to focus on designing a meaningful life journey—not a particular destination I’ll ever fully experience. So when I recently came across an article about how values offer a similar perspective, it caught my interest. I’ve since learned that values, like rightsizing, are a direction. Sort of like getting in the car and heading north. You might be more north than you were yesterday, but you’ll never arrive. Once we discover how to live our values or how to rightsize our life, we are better able to appreciate the road we are traveling, regardless of whether we hit a few road bumps or we ever even reach a final destination.
In many ways, values are the opposite of goals and demonstrate why so many of us have a difficult time reaching them. In most cases, goals are all about the outcome. Sometimes we reach them—sometimes not. Values, on the other hand, are not something you can own or even “find.” We choose our values and allow them to direct our path. So goals are like a target we aim at, while values are the actual bow and arrows that we use to aim and motivate ourselves with along the way. Most of the time if we miss the target we aren’t happy. But if we master the art of archery, the very practice is a pleasure in itself.
Of course, goals are beneficial too. But far too often they remind us of what we don’t have, rather than what we do. And if the end destination is our primary focus, then we never feel satisfied and are always striving for more. Values, on the other hand, give every step of the journey meaning and purpose. Like author and professor, Steven C. Hayes says, “Values get you to enough; they make this moment about something that you hold dear.”
It is the same with my version of rightsizing. While many in the sustainable or minimalist view promote tactics and goals a person needs to reach to find fulfillment, I believe that the act of moving towards rightsizing is rewarding in every moment. I’ll never live in a “tiny” house and instead strive to keep my current house as rightsized as possible. I won’t ever only own just 100 things (as is sometimes promoted) but the things I do own are important to me. I still work (I’m not retired) but the work I do fills each of my days with purpose and meaning. Rightsizing to me means stripping away those things that don’t matter, and aiming towards those things that do, every single day.
Like I said above, Steven C. Hayes says much of the same about values. A foundation professor at the University of Nevada, he is the author of 44 books and nearly 600 scientific articles. His work is primarily focused “on the nature of human language and the cognition and application of this to the understanding and alleviation of human suffering.” With his study of behavioral sciences, he has developed Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). It is from this study that he has begun to recognize the importance of values to aid in all of us becoming thriving individuals.
What does it matter? I believe the bottom line is that when we know the direction we choose our life to go, we can handle everything that lies ahead. In some ways, values are the tools we use to design what we feel gives our life meaning. What matters to me, what makes my life fulfilling, is likely different from yours. But once we know what ours are, we can use them to head in that direction regardless of what pops up along the way. Sure we have good days, hopefully lots of them. But even if things aren’t going as planned, we still hold on to the meaning behind our direction.
Recent politics offer a great example. When I started writing this blog post it was before the election. Hopes were very high in many ways—a good goal for sure. But now that the election is over if all our hope was tied to one particular outcome or one particular candidate—we are either happy or sad. Instead, when we focus on our individual values, we can still feel that our efforts had meaning and we can feel fulfilled with the experience. Values like 1) connections with other like-minded people, 2) compassion for underprivileged people, 3) community involvement, and 4) greater understanding about the world around me that allowed me to wake up feeling good this morning regardless of who did or didn’t win.
So how do we know we are focused on the process (values) rather than the outcome (goals)? According to Hayes, there are several things to ask yourself?
#1 Do I have a sense of enough, rather than a need to measure whether the outcome was more or less than I hoped for or expected?
#2 Can I readily name my heroes and do they stand for the qualities I believe in most?
#3 Am I in touch with the sweetest and most rewarding moments of my life?
#4 Do I recognize where I am most vulnerable and why? Hayes believes that “we hurt where we care.”
#5 Do I spend a lot of time just entertaining myself or dulling the pain of my life instead of striving towards what matters to me?
#6 What would I do, what do I do, even if no one notices or knows whether I was the one who did it?
#7 What is it that makes me get up in the morning?
#8 If I only had ten minutes to write about something that really matters to me, what would I write about?
#9 Do I care more about what other people care about, or more about what really matters to me?
#10 Are having things (like a big house, a new car, lots of money in the bank) more important to me is what I can do with my mind, time, money and energy?
In retrospect, it is easy to see how each of these questions asks us to focus on what really matters to us. Obviously, that is a key to values as well as rightsizing. But according to Hayes, it isn’t just a matter of determining what matters to us, it is then consciously choosing to make those values our lifetime roadmap as we travel through life. However, as Hayes points out, today’s world is very good at distracting us into blindly following the herd in just about every area of life. If we were raised to believe that happiness only comes by graduating from college, getting a high paying job, buying a big house, having 2.5 kids and a big screen tv, then it takes conscious awareness to pull back and decide that living our values are more important. As with rightsizing, the temptation to want more, more, more of anything, at any cost, is high.
It doesn’t take a giant leap of understanding to recognize why so many people in today’s world are bewildered and without hope. Hayes makes a powerful argument that without a clear understanding of our values we are rudderless in a vast ocean of information supplied by technology and the marketing industry. Like standing open-mouthed before a fire hose, we can literally drown in the flood of toxic information being directed at us. It is difficult enough as adults, can we imagine the bewilderment of our children today?
Hayes believes that all humans strive toward connection, compassion, and communication, but it takes the right values to guide us in those directions. Like rightsizing, determining our values helps us to focus in on what really gives our lives meaning and purpose. They also help us get through the tough times. Like Friedrich Nietzsche said, “He who has a strong enough why can bear almost any how.”
Values and rightsizing keep us on course no matter what is happening in the world or our individual lives. As Hayes says, “There are many ways to walk a valued journey.” The SMART perspective is to use the best nudges to keep our life on course.
Okay, your turn. Have you ever taken the time to consider what your values are? Did you arrive at them from your own guidance or because someone else told you they were important? What are some of the values you hold dear that remind you that your life has purpose and meaning, no matter what the circumstances? Please share in the comments below.
Kathy, #5 really spoke to me. “Do I spend a lot of time just entertaining myself or dulling the pain of my life instead of striving towards what matters to me?”
This is a fear that I mused about when I was considering whether to retire. As problematic as my work was for me personally (burnout), I considered my work to be a useful contribution to society that aligned with my values and life purpose. I wondered whether, once I retired, I would spend my time amusing myself but not really doing anything useful. Would retirement be a step away from my values and purpose?
The fact is, striving toward something meaningful is hard, and without external structures, like a work schedule and defined job role, it can be so easy to give in to laziness and the distractions of the screen rather than self-motivating oneself to keep striving toward goals in alignment with one’s own values. I know what gives my life meaning but it remains a struggle to commit to time at the easel, or writing my novel, or working on my research, or volunteering longer stretches of time to babysitting my grandkids.
Life is indeed a journey.
Jude
Kathy, this was a great post to remind me that I should probably have another look at my values. For work I got caught up in the values of the organization, which mostly aligned with mine, but mine have changed somewhat or have been adjusted. Like Michele V says, it is easy to get caught up in daily details and plunge on through the days.As an educator, I value the process of education and always convey a safe learning environment to my students. As I rightsize my own life, a values refresher is a good lesson!
Hey Terri! How great that you have some clear values related to your work. That has to help keep you focused for sure. And I’m betting you have some for your personal life as well. I think most of us do but we don’t always hold them in mind and are easily distracted. I think they are another one of those things like staying grateful that can really help us to appreciate our lives if we take the time to be clear about them. Thanks for the thoughts. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, this was very thought provoking and really helpful. I never thought about the juxtaposition between values and goals in this way before. It is easy to be caught up in goals- laying out a plan and moving forwards. Moving towards your values is less obvious but more important. I find that when I take the time to question my values and reaffirm my “whys” I stay on track in ways that are most important to me. I can get stuck in the doing of life and forget to take time for the reflection that keeps me aligned with my values. My quiet morning time is good for that and I miss it when I don’t have it.
Hi Michele. Thanks for pointing that out about how goals and values differ. I too had never thought so clearly about it until I read some of Hayes’ work. ti makes sense though doesn’t it? And I agree that focusing on our values helps (rather than goals) can smooth out those times when our goals seem out of reach. Good for you for taking time in the morning for contemplating what matters to you. It’s not always convenient to do it, but so very important! ~Kathy
At my age, I shouldn’t have to constantly review my values—but I do! Many things influence us, advertising, books, television, and conversations. I want to make sure I’m not swayed, that I stick to the things I really believe. I arrived at some very firm beliefs early on, not on my own, but through reading and meditating—it has been a long journey!
Hi Diane! Thank you so VERY much for pointing out what I think is critical about this idea…and that is to constantly review what we believe our values to do. As you say, it is SO-O-O easy to be swayed by other people (especially when we care about them or hold them in high esteem) but they don’t always have the same values as us. It might be a LONG journey…but hey, what else do we have to do 🙂 ~Kathy
This is such a thought-provoking post Kathy. I love the concept of right-sizing, looking at your values along the path to your goals, peering more deeply into how you want to live each day instead of being disappointed if lofty goals aren’t met. After I removed the heavy yoke some years ago of trying to please everyone else, I found that I was free to live a values-based life, and try to do so each day. This post is so timely for what is being played out in the news daily.
Hi LuAnn! Glad you liked this one. And good for you if you’ve been able to let go of pleasing others all the time. I’ve come a long way with that too but I’m a work in progress is so many things! I found the ACT approach such a GREAT reminder of living from internal priorities (rather than external priorities) and hope to stay conscious of its importance in the days ahead. And you’re right–it is a VERY helpful thing when dealing with the news and the constantly changing world around us. ~Kathy
As a psychotherapist, yes, I like Hayes’ ACT approach. We need: “connection, compassion, and communication” and one of those is “rightsizing.” A great approach?
Hi Gary! Have you heard of the ACT approach before? I find so much about it that is helpful and more proactive than many therapies I’ve read a bit about? And I can imagine how helpful it might be when dealing with difficult issues. ~Kathy
Another great post Kathy! While I’ve always been values driven, I think the idea that they are a direction not a destination is so true! I think the most difficult experience is when you need to choose between two values – which can sometimes happen. I appreciate the questions you presented — I am going to sit with #8 because I can get so passionate about so many things that it is paralyzing. I have been pondering what is my next ‘thing’ for a few years now – and have not yet landed on it. So thank you for the ‘push’ to ponder.
Hi Janet! I agree that sometimes it appears our values conflict but isn’t that mostly a good challenge to have? At least if we are consciously aware of what our values are to begin with, we can then make choices based on the situation at hand–not what we are being told by others–but what resonates with our soul. And yes, #8 makes the point that we do have to have a priority system–even with our values. While some might be passionately important, are they in alignment with how we want to spend the remainder of our time here on the planet? ~Kathy
I really liked those 10 points Kathy – and I truly believe that if you don’t know what your core values are and if you’re not living a life based on them, then you’re prone to every new whim or influence you encounter. I like having a firm foundation and from there I’m happy to add or subtract what comes into my life based on what feels “right” (sized).
Hi Leanne. yes! And I would also suspect that a big part of unhappiness and mental anguish comes from knowing deep down that we are not living our values, wouldn’t you say. And thanks for confirming that the thoughts fit into rightsizing as well! ~Kathy
Thanks for this thought-provoking post. After reading Hayes’s ten questions, I can see I still have a way to go along this path. But then, as you say, we’re on a journey . . .
Hi Tom! I agree that we are all works in progress as far as discovering and then living our values to the best of our abilities. But hey, some would say that is why we are here in the first place 🙂 And yes to the journey! Thanks as always for your comment. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, thank you for making me stop and actually think about my values. I have to admit although I know that I do have values in my life, I don’t consciously think about what they are and what they mean to my life. Thank you for another thought-provoking post. I will be taking time today to answer the 10 questions honestly and keeping those answers front and centre. Have a beautiful weekend. x
Hi Sue! Thank you for letting me know that it did make you pause and think. That is music to my ears for sure. I think even when we think we know we don’t usually spend much time consciously connecting with them. Since I’ve renewed my interest I am doing my best to be more aware of them. ~Kathy
Kathy, I’m a strong believer in understanding your true values, versus what you think your values should be. Things like being altruistic or family focused are expected. I’ve come to the conclusion that one of my core values is personal choice.
I recently was encouraged to look at simple pleasures versus my values and create a list of “things to do when there is nothing to do” also versus my values. While some of the first can certainly fit on the second, the simple pleasures was also about being aware of living your values on a daily basis. It’s interesting that those lists are not as easy to create as I expected!
The phrase you wrote the really resonated with me: values give every step of the journey meaning. Having the things I do every day aligned to my core values…. yes! Working on that for sure.
Hi Pat! Thanks for pointing out that very important point–true values vs. what everyone else thinks your values should be. That constant stream of info coming at us from all places is usually doing it’s best to tell us how we should be, or what we should do, or what we need to be happy and fulfilled. And unfortunately, as long as it is someone else doing the “telling” it is only marginally successful. I sure hope I didn’t imply that I had the answers for anyone else in this post. My intention was to get people to think about them and come up with their own. and I happen to think that “enjoyment in simple pleasures” is a POWERFUL value to hold. It sounds like you are well on your way to understanding what adds meaning to your life. Thanks for your comment. ~Kathy
Great post Kathy. One thing I dearly miss in the current crop of politicians world-wide is Values. Another thing is Character. OK, so that’s 2 Very Important Things!
What the heck happened?
Years ago (based on reading literature from before this century), this was what made a person great and worthy of emulation.
Being true to your Values and possessing a strong Character were something to be encouraged, praised, desired.
Now if you possess/curate a certain look, you are adored by millions on Instagram, even if you are a talentless hack who makes poor life choices, in reality.
How did we lose this? How do we get it back? Asking for humanity…
Deb
Hi Deb! According to Hayes so much of it has to do with the fact that current technology is making it so easy for us all to be led astray in these times. Instead of having the proper guidance and the time to sit and contemplate what is important to us, we are constantly being fed a FLOOD of information about what needs to happen in order for us to be happy and fulfilled. We are so used to expecting others–be they businesses, authorities, and yes, politicians–to fix any troubles we find that we have lost touch with what WE need to do to help. Like a vicious circle, the more we need it the more we look (and expect) others to fix it for us to make everything okay. Ultimately, like so many things I think we need to be the example of what really matters to both everyone we know and especially, to those younger than us. Hayes does a lot of work with young people and he says that there is so much suffering in the world but the primary cause is that looking for a solution in a world that just wants to sell us stuff. I suppose you and I (and everyone else) could talk for HOURS about why and what needs to happen. But the only thing we’d probably all agree 100% is that we hope things to happen! Thanks for your thoughts. ~Kathy
This makes sense. Fallout of living through the beginnings of the Information Age. I have wondered from time to time about the effect of all this information on our lives. Besides being stressed out or too distracted to get anything of importance done, I hadn’t thought about the deeper impact of being flooded with more information in an hour than previous generations had to deal with in years.
I hope we can learn to adjust because there is also a lot of good from having access to information.
Thanks Kathy!
Hi Deb! Yes the word balance comes to mind. Can we use it without being “used” by it? I hope so! ~Kathy
Great post Kathy! Values, compassion, empathy can all be learned and should be! Some times they are taught as a child and don’t mesh with the adult or not examined as an adult if these values hold true. When I started my company I culled the best practices I experienced and brought them into my business, not just on paper but in practice.My company, my values. If I contract with someone and I see or hear them conflicting with my core values, we do not continue the partnership.
Hi Haralee! Yes, when I was searching for more info about values I saw quite a bit of it in relation to business. I am very happy to see some of that being promoted to the companies that produce products and services in our world. Unfortunately, I don’t think that we are being taught the same ideas in relation to our personal lives. But good for you for not only using your values as a business guide but it sounds to me like you use them personally too. May we all strive to do the same. ~Kathy
HI, Kathy – Thank you for another very thought-provoking and deeply meaningful post. My husband is currently listening to political news in the background. The combination of that, and your post, remind me that too often today we seem to be stuck in a bad Groucho Marx film (i.e., “Those are my values, and if you don’t like them…I have others.”
Thank you also for including Hayes’ seven questions. Changing what we don’t like happening around us starts from within. These seven questions seem to me to be an excellent place to start.
Hi Donna! Thank you so much for implying that I was adding a bit of sanity to the world with this post. That was certainly an intention because I too found it helpful. It’s so easy for us to follow that constant stream of information flowing at us from everywhere, rather than connecting with a deeper wisdom within that I think we all possess. According to Hayes, our problem-solving mind evolved so that we could deal with life-threatening information–but it hasn’t adapted to our current world where EVERYTHING seems to be a potential danger and we all run around trying to deal with that. Meanwhile, that deeper wisdom self has been pretty much ignored these days. It isn’t nearly as entertaining and/or glittery. Hopefully we all find ways to pause and then get back to our deeper values so we can find the peace we all seek. ~Kathy
I did mean to say ‘ten’ questions. I’m not sure why I consistently typed ‘seven’….must have been something on the news! 🙂
Hahahaha…yes, that news stuff does distract us very easily!