Like most humans I like people to like me. Since the beginning of time, we humans have learned that our survival is often connected to being part of a tribe. Then throw in the fact that 50% of us are women and often require others for safety and companionship, it makes sense. And while a large portion of us don’t live in an environment where we require physical security these days, our mental, emotional and spiritual Self craves a degree of connection and belonging. It is normal to want others to count on and care for us as much as we care for them. But do they? Not always. No matter how much I may want others to like me, be with me and do things with me—not everyone will. Admittedly, an ongoing area of my own personal growth is learning to accept letting go of caring for others that don’t really care for me.
First off, it takes work. Not just the work of reading an article or two and saying, “Yeah, okay I can do that.” It is the work that says, okay the real effort is something I need to take deep inside me and really focus on and work through. So, while I might share some of the “tips” from those far more educated than I am about the subject, that doesn’t mean reading it will be what any of us needs to do if we really want to change. Like a blog post I wrote recently about how hard it is to change, there is likely two opposing goals or intentions around anything we say we want to change. Until we acknowledge them, decide on the one we actually want to pursue, and then gradually change our deep intentions around it, nothing will change.
With that in mind, here are a few things I’m doing so I can let go of caring for others who just aren’t that into me.
1. Remind myself that I don’t like everybody either. Some people just don’t click with me. But when I meet someone I really, really like and admire, I often find myself really wanting them to like me back. Why? Why certain people? What is it about certain people that makes them so desirable?
2. Figure out what is missing in me that makes me want those certain others to acknowledge, recognize, appreciate or relate to me?
3. Recognize that as humans our most precious resource is our time and energy—and ask myself: why I would waste any of those on someone who doesn’t appreciate it when I offer it to them?
4. Be aware of my particular “love language.” In other words, how do we each value our relationship with friends? There is a concept developed by Dr. Gary Chapman that says we give and receive love (or friendship) in one of these five ways:
- a.Through words of love and caring like praise, affection, encouragement and compliments.
- b.Through acts of service like doing things for you and helping you when needed.
- c. Through giving gifts to you like helping celebrate special events or providing treats I know you like.
- d. Through spending quality time with you either through conversations or doing things together. For example, spending time with and doing things together is important for my sense of friendship. But naturally not everyone has the time, energy or desire to do that.
- e. Through physical touch like hugs and other forms of physical contact. While friendships won’t be as intimate as lovers, care can still be in the form of touch.
- Figuring out what it takes for each of us to be loved and appreciated is important. But it is also important to do our best to discover what others like as well.
5. Honestly evaluate what kind of friend I am and whether I am asking more of others than I am willing to give of myself? Do I listen, offer encouragement and compliments, and help when necessary, etc. Remind yourself to have friends we have to be a friend.
6. Cultivate a willingness to let go of anyone who doesn’t have the time, energy or desire to be my friend. If someone doesn’t feel as invested in the relationship as I am, or has too much else going on in their lives, I am actually better off letting them go and then using that same time and energy to create new and better relationships with others.
7. Refuse to try to change myself so that others might like or approve of me more. While it is important to be a kind and pleasant person in general, I don’t want to compromise my true nature in order to fit in or to satisfy others.
Something I try to remind myself of is how a co-housing community gets along with each other. I wrote a blog post about cohousing a while back and it mentioned how some people in some areas are coming together and building and then living in community. Most of the time they live in individual homes but share the land, community rooms and many activities. The occupants manage the project using a consensus model and divide up the work and management themselves. When I asked some of the people living in these cohousing projects how everyone (approximately 20-40 families) managed to live together so harmoniously, the answer I was given was: You will really like about a third of your neighbors. You will appreciate, but not feel that close to about another third of your community. The remaining third you will just tolerate. They reminded me it is impossible to “like” everyone (or be liked by them). Instead, it’s best to find and spend your time and energy on “your third.” This advice applies to many areas in life where people want and need to come together.
I think at age 67 it is time for me to understand on a very deep level that it is time to let go of caring for others that don’t really care for me—and to be truly okay with that. And hopefully it goes without saying that this includes loved ones and all family members as well as friends. I’m not suggesting we detach in an unkind or angry way. Just that we begin to respect and love ourselves enough to know when it is time to let go of any unhealthy relationships. Besides I also think it is SMART to be happy and comfortable being by myself. After all, as a man named Debasish Mirtha said, “I may be alone, but I am never lonely. I am always with my best friend, and that is me.”
What a great article and topic! And I agree with you that it applies to both friends and family. Unfortunately, I’ve had to cut some of the toxic family ties to keep my “joy” and eliminate stress from life. I’m still working on it with some of my friends. It’s hard especially if they’re long term friends, even if it just doesn’t fit anymore. However, you’re right if they don’t nurture you and you’re putting in more effort than them, what’s the point really?
As always, looking inward and making you the best version of yourself is the key to joy and happiness in life. And, then you attract like-minded people I think. Isn’t it funny how age gives you a better perspective on what’s important and what’s not. And I love your co-housing, focus on the 1/3. I couldn’t agree more. It’s remembering to keep it in the forefront.
Love the topic and the discussion in the comments. Always very informative and lively. Thanks, Kathy!!
Hi Kathy. I came late to this party and so just enjoyed and agreed with most of what you wrote and others have responded. The only question I have (if I understand you correctly) is about family. I think in most cases it’s important to go out of your way, even to change in some regards, to keep those family relationships positive and even close. Just as one example, I have a couple of female friends who have bent themselves over backwards to get along with their daughters-in-law . . . and in the end they feel it was worth it not only for the relationship with the DIL but also with their son and grandchildren. Anyhow, as usual, good topic, good post!
Hi Tom! Glad you liked it. And your comment about family is a good one. I’m certainly no expert on it and I agree that it is a really, really challenging issue. I think when there is more than one person involved (like son and grandchildren) there is a very good reason to get along with a difficult person. Hopefully the relationship with those others far outweighs the challenge. But if there is only one family member (and yeah I have one of those) and they are chronically toxic, then it is almost necessary self preservation to let them go. Loving them from a distance is the term I use with mine. Of course this isn’t something you decide overnight and (hopefully) circumstances can change in the future. But that is just my perspective on the issue. Thanks for bringing this up because I’ll bet others have the same thought. ~Kathy
Friends are a good thing to have. I enjoy my friends so much. They bring joy to my life and I hope the joy is reciprocal. May you find some joy in friendship as well. Going back to Myers Briggs, there are some people who gravitate to a lot of friendships and some not. I also find the people who end up being my friends are often the same MB type and often in health care where I worked.
The love language you quote, I saw on a dating website back when I did that kind of thing. The site matched you based on how you filled out the questionnaire. While it is an appealing concept it didn’t factor in physical appearance on which so much of the dating market rests.
None of my friends are perfect and neither am I or anyone else I know. I am not a judger in the Myers Briggs terminology so I just accept their strengths and weaknesses. I tested as an INFP a long time ago. MB has been challenged by academics too so it is no magic sauce either.
As I get older I don’t have the energy for a lot of things so have to priorize what I am able to do. Sad but true. And this seems true for my friends as well. I am 6 years older than you.
I look forward to your ongoing discussions of Life.
Hi Ann! Thanks for sharing your personal experience of friendship. I definitely agree that friends that “match” us on all sorts of levels seem to make the best friends. And let’s face it, if and where you work does bring you closer to a group of potential friends. Because I’ve worked alone most of my life I never really had that camaraderie. But I think a real key is when you say “none of my friends are perfect and neither am I or anyone else I know.” While I know that in my mind and heart, I often let my expectations of people get me into trouble. And as we all are getting older, I think it is wise for us to figure out where (and with who) we want to share our time and energy with. None of us have forever so let’s make the most of the time we have left! ~Kathy
I’m going to share your article with a good friend, because she and I have been having this conversation for years — why do we keep putting effort into staying in contact with folks who do not reciprocate? As we’ve gotten older, we’ve been more willing to let some folks go. Not because of anything bad, but because we are more conscious of the energy it takes to be the one who maintains the relationship, and we’d rather use that energy to sustain friendships that are more mutual.
Part of that letting go, I think, is acknowledging the loss and letting ourselves feel our feelings about it. I can move on more freely if I admit that I am sad at losing some relationships, even if those relationships were mostly of my own making.
The Dao De Jing equates honor and disgrace as both evoking fear because they both are based on what someone else thinks of us, which is out of our control. It’s like giving to someone else the power over our sense of well being. Yes, I liked to be liked of course, but it doesn’t change who I am or harm me if I am not liked. As I get older, I find that I’m less willing to adapt myself to what others want or expect from me. It’s liberating.
In a way, we’ve gone through this process as writers/bloggers, right? I know that not everything I write will appeal to everyone. If I’m going to write honestly and openly, then I have to make my peace with that. I’m sure you have done this as well. So we already have some practice in this letting go. What do you think is the most challenging aspect of that?
Thank you for another thoughtful article. A great way to start my day.
Hi Galen! As always I appreciate your thoughtful reply. And I’m guessing this is a conversation that lots of women have through the years. And I purposely say “women” because if Thom is any example, men’s friendships are far less complicated. He has work friends, and activity friends, and couple friends of course. But for the most part he is much more introverted and also doesn’t seem to get as much out of friendships as I do. He also has never really been concerned with what others think of him from a “friendship” perspective. (at least I think he would agree with me on all that.)
And I’ll have to do some thinking about whether it has to do with feeling my feelings about the loss of certain relationships. But I’m guessing though that it has a lot more to do with my high expectations of both myself AND other women I like and admire. Rather than just accept and appreciate that we are all “who we are” I often let my expectations exceed realty way too much. And I should know better because my “high expectations” lead to all sorts of trouble in lots of areas of my life. With my overly optimistic outlook on most things, my rose-colored view of people and experiences builds up such high anticipation that it is no wonder (if not impossible) that it can’t always be matched.
As far as whether people “like” or appreciate my writing, it would probably be wise of me to approach my friendships in the same way. Maybe because I’ve been doing it so long I can now keep my expectations in a very reasonable way. I really enjoy when people appreciate my writing but I honestly don’t have any idea how any particular writing will be received so I just put them out and let go. I’ll admit in the beginning it was more difficult. I DID think that LOTS of people would like my writing and buy my books, etc. etc. But that does get FAR more realistic as time goes by. Now that I think of it, maybe that is happening with my friendship issue too??? I like what you say with “As I get older, I find that I’m less willing to adapt myself to what others want or expect from me. It’s liberating.” While I’m not there yet, I am MUCH further than I used to be! ~Kathy
Kathy – thanx for your post. Really hit home for me, as a gal who started as a professional relationship 9 years ago @ morphed into a friendship that has recently gone awry. I have tried to distance myself from her but our lives have becomes VERY intertwined. She has adopted many my friends as hers (which I’m willing to share), but she seems not willing to allow me to separate myself from what i thought was a more deep friendship. Requesting getting together for VERY uncomfortable (for me) lunches & conversations & coming to me @ places where we both are present, getting into my personal space & time & time again asking HOW AM I? I’m ready to let her go, but I believe she sees it as a failure on HER part. I have tried to explain how one sided our “friendship” felt & im ok with just being cordial & civil when around MY friends which are now HER friends too. Any suggestions for CUTTING THE CORD in a kind way?
Hi Sheryl. I can see where you are in a tricky position but I’m afraid I can’t offer much advice. I can’t help but believe that if you enjoy working on your own growth and haven’t already “run for the hills” to get away from her, then right where you are offers tremendous opportunity. I’m not saying it is easy but you can uncover and decide what outcome you want to happen (other than for her to disappear!!!) then when it is all said and done you’ll be stronger, more confident and secure in yourself. Detaching emotionally can be challenging for a lot of us so finding ways to keep our heart open while creating appropriate boundaries with people is good for us. Good luck. I believe in you! ~Kathy
Thank you for your thoughtful reply
I relate completely to #2: “Figure out what is missing in me that makes me want those certain others to acknowledge, recognize, appreciate or relate to me?” Three times in the last ten years I’ve had a time of close friendship with people where the relationship ended with dissatisfaction on the part of one or both of us. What these three people have in common, as I think about it, is that they’re all somewhat like my mother – smart and interesting but difficult to get along with. I suspect I was trying to resolve issues with my mother (who has been gone for almost 15 years now) with them. It didn’t work! I’m grateful now that my close friendships are healthy ones.
Hi Linda! As so many teachings show us, a lot of “family of origin” stuff has a way of coming up again and again in all our relationships. It’s interesting that you were able to recognize some of your current actions in light of your relationship with your mom. Good for you! I’m guessing that if a lot more of us did that we’d uncover all sorts of interesting things about our own perspectives, beliefs and any conscious and unconscious behaviors. Of course it is often easier to see in others than in ourselves. haha… But I can’t help but think that the inner journey is always so fascinating if we accept it with an open mind and heart. Thank you so much for sharing your own experience with us. ~Kathy
Interesting blog about friendships Kathy! I believe a lot has to do with what you have in common. For instance, you love to travel, so people who love to travel will be drawn to you. Those that have no interest in travel might not be. If you played tennis and golf, then those who loved those sports would enjoy playing with you. However, after the game, you might not have anything in common except for the sport so you both would go your separate ways. When my children were growing up my friends were mainly other parents as we had that in common. Then when our children left home, I found that I slowly drifted away from them as we no longer shared the same interest. So, I wonder if it’s more of perceiving it as not sharing a commonality rather than people not really caring for you.
And we can always tell when someone is not being authentic, so I believe it is important to be yourself. I heard a great expression; One Size Fits One.
Hi Marnie! I so agree! There are plenty of studies about friendship that show both shared values and interests along with proximity have a GREAT deal to do with our friendships. I think being a writer and/or living more exclusionary makes it more challenging to connect with others. And then sometimes I think for some people it just comes far more easily. For example, Thom is just a happy little introvert most of the time and totally content by himself or with me. My energy tends to appreciate the energy and “happenings” that other people bring so I’m more in that “tribe.” Finding what works for each of us and learning to be content and at peace with that is important.
And I love that statement, “One size fits one!” ~Kathy
Hello,
I think this post really portrays how most people think about themselves in connection with the rest of the world: People want to be liked. And in order to be liked they lie, cheat, and do all kinds of nonsense things that destroy their connection with Source. So because of this “have-to-be-liked” propensity, people in general are, in practice, untrustworthy.
This is one reason why Abraham_Hicks (and I) say that we have to stop wanting to be liked. Our job is not to be liked; rather, our job is to *like*. So our focus should not be on “being respected” or “being loved”, but on “being loving”. What we want to do, as children of God (or Source), is to increase our attention on those things *we* like, or love, and decrease our attention on those things we are NOT happy with.
In other words, we have to become more selfish, and care less about what other people think, and do, and say. That is the only way to becoming more happy. By minding our own emotional business, we may progress toward more positive emotions, regardless what our “friends” or “family” are doing, or not doing.
Thanks, and have a GREAT day!
Chris Bocay
Hi Chris!
One thing I love about blogging is the chance to throw ideas out and see how all the different perspectives (and people) respond and share their insights. I very much agree with much of what you say that our (my) focus is better spent by “being loving” rather than any lack thoughts of not having enough or being enough. Then again, I’ve also learned that we all hear what we need/want to hear and we all grow and evolve at our own pace.
I’ll have to think about whether I believe this behavior is lying, cheating or practicing untrustworthiness. My first thought is that it is more about “lack thinking” than any desire (or unconscious motivation) to be deceitful. Plus, my background always reminds me that what I see and find fault with in others is the reflection within me that I resist or deny. So the great thing about an evolving consciousness is that there is ALWAYS plenty of things to show up that allow us to grow.
Thanks for you thoughts on this and I too hope you have a GREAT day! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
Thanks for your well-written answer!
Just to clarify: it was not my intention to suggest that *you* were involved in any lying, or cheating, etc. I was thinking in more general terms about various “people-pleasing” maneuvers that many are engaged in: lying to their spouse to cover up that they are cheating, so that their spouse still want to be with them; avoiding being angry at their high-status “friend” just because they otherwise risk losing him or her as a friend; etc.
> it is more about “lack thinking” than any
> desire (or unconscious motivation) to be deceitful.
Sure, that could very well be the case. You know best, yourself. (But that would fit well with point #2 in your article.)
In any case, we have to, I think, ask ourselves this question: What is it that I want most? Is it happiness, or is it (close) friends (or other relationships)? If it’s friends (or relationships) we want most, then we have to sacrifice our own happiness, so that we can make those friends happy. For the definition of “friendship” or “relationship”, for most people, includes the idea of “emotional support”, (thus: “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer,” etc.).
But if it is *happiness* we want most, we will NOT try very hard to please other people (and that is unattractive to most potential “friends”, so we won’t get many of those). Instead, we will then have to generate our happiness on our own, by our own mental and emotional powers, in the standard Abraham-Hicks way. And then, if we succeed with that, Law of Attraction will send us lots of other people who are just as happy as we are.
So in the first scenario we make ourselves dependent on other people, and accept the idea of a diminished happiness for ourselves. For the “payoff” here is not the happiness, but the relationship itself, where there is some kind of “stability” or “security” offered.
But in the second scenario we generate our happiness on our own, independently. This then attracts those people who are more like us: energetic, happy people who also are selfishly engaged in the happiness pursuit like we are. The “payoff” here then is not “stable” or “secure” friendships or relationships, but *temporary* ones: for how long is it fun and interesting to know them? Is it 3 hours or 3 weeks? And then, if we can keep our vibration high, new people will arrive to take their place. So we get that “newness” and “more” that Abraham-Hicks talk so much about.
In short: scenario 2 offers both happiness and friendships (relationships), while scenario 1 basically only offers friendships.
In any case, this is just my perspective. As you say, everyone has their own evolution, and must decide for their own what is important and interesting and fun.
Best wishes!
Chris
Hi Chris! It sounds like you have found a perspective that works for you. May we all find the same. ~Kathy
Yes the comments section are always interesting
Hi Kathy, Thank you again for such an insightful post. But I hope it doesn’t mean you’re crossing me off your friend list. We didn’t get to California this winter; in fact, we didn’t go anywhere because of Mike’s treatments. But I will forever be grateful our paths crossed and certainly hope that when we do get to Palm Springs we can connect. Best to you always, and thank you for always writing the right things that give me a boost.
Hi Kate! I’m glad you liked this post and NO this had nothing to do with our friendship! I always enjoy being together with you and Mike when you are in town (and sorry you couldn’t make it this year) but what’s the saying, some friends are there for a season? We literally ARE seasonal friends and I love that. I/we hope Mike’s treatments are going well and that we will see you for sure next “season.” (and thanks for staying connected through the blog 🙂 ) ~Kathy
I’ve been turned out by friends, family & colleagues in my lifetime. I’ve turned out some of them as well. I’m not a teenager anymore and these episodes are fewer and farther between with far less drama as I’ve come to know myself better. Friendships/relationships evolve over time. To thine own self be true rings in my ears. The poem “After A While” by Veronica Shoffstall speaks to me. Following is an excerpt:
“so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure,
you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…”
Hi Mona! I have always loved that poem and it’s message. Thank you for sharing it because it is PERFECT with this post. Plus as you say “Friendships/relationships evolve over time. To thine own self be true rings in my ears.” That also applies to the fact that WE evolve too and things change. Flowing with those changes is a big part of a balanced life. ~Kathy
Another timely topic, Kathy, as three times in a row now, Mark and I have invested time, effort, and our presence in meeting “new” couples and each time, we felt like we were wasting our time.
One observation to make us detach from these kinds of people is the fact that none of them asked us any questions. The entire evening is spent by us being interested in their lives and inviting conversations that way. In one case I even wondered how the evening must have gone if we wouldn’t have asked questions either.
Anyway, I love that last quote. When I was backpacking by myself for a year at age 25, I had the same sentiment afterwards: “I was often alone, but I never felt lonely.” It’s a good way to be. We have to love our own presence and be true to our own nature.
As I get older, I feel my time is more valuable as well and I’m not wanting to “waste” it on people who “don’t deserve” it – basically on people who I have nothing in common with, appear to be boring, or don’t show any interest in us.
Hi Liesbet! Good observation about the questions, Liesbet! I think if we are paying attention we can tell who is really “interested” in us and who aren’t. If others don’t ask about our lives or constantly make excuses about why they don’t have time for us, that’s a big clue. It’s our responsibility to learn from that right?
But I agree learning to love ourselves and be comfortable with our own presence is critical. Thanks for your thoughts! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, for the past year we have been living in a new, very active, 55+, community. It has been a good learning experience for us because since we intend this to be a temporary residence, we have not allowed ourselves to get overly involved. We are social and friendly with a lot of people but have not intentionally sought to develop relationships beyond what has naturally developed. Just being ourselves, with no intent to impress has been liberating. Much like your #2 I think that removing the element of ‘competition’ is such a key factor in developing mutual relationships.
Hi Suzanne! How interesting that you’ve just allowed new relationships in your new community to develop organically. I think it is tempting in a lot of community–and I tend to jump into things like that too overly enthusiastically–but your approach is probably much more balanced. I do tend to put myself forward, come what may. But then sometimes what I end up with isn’t quite what I expected or hoped for. Your example sounds far better. Thanks for sharing it! ~Kathy
We’re building a tiny house in a tiny house community this summer. I’m excited! And I’m also wondering how it’s going to be living in such close quarters to neighbors in a community that is very interactive. I’ll remember the one-third phenomenon that you discovered. For the most part, I enjoy people and I put a lot of energy into relationships. But only those that also nourish me. 🙂
Hi Laurel! Oh exciting! Exploring what it will be like to live in a sort-of co-housing community (that’s what I’d call a tiny house community right?) I guess we’ll all have to keep reading your blog to find out how it all goes. It sounds like you won’t have any trouble at all finding and keeping good friend and I think that is one of the gifts a defined community can offer the people who appreciate them. Looking forward to hearing how it unfolds. ~Kathy
Wisdom helps us decide where to put our time and energy and often it includes people.
Hi Gary! You’ve always been a GREAT friend and a great reminder to me of the time, energy and intention it takes to be just that. Hey, didn’t you teach a class on this at one point? 🙂 ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – Thank you for another wise and thought-provoking post. I agree with the ‘one-third’ rule. It is the same with books, movies, foods, etc. Someone’s five-star rating is another person’s one-star. Why should it be different with human friebdships?
Hi Donna! You are absolutely right! When you think about it, that “one-third” rule applies to just about everything in life. If I could just remember it all the time, right? hahaha… Thank goodness I’m getting better and better at it as time goes by. ~Kathy
<3
It’s a struggle for some of us, for sure! I’m very much one of that number, so I recognize how precarious the balance is. One wants to be open and friendly, and one wants to be liked and respected, but one also wants to be able to draw lines and protect one’s sense of self. For me, it involves a lot of work in remembering to center myself in myself and look outwards, not to bounce around outside myself trying to figure out how others see me. It’s tough!
Hi Nancy! You are so right that focusing on centering ourselves AND looking inward is the key to this. I can’t help but believe social media is making the external comparison thing extremely difficult. Even when we are pretty okay with ourselves and have a good understanding of what our values and goals are, it is tempting to be distracted by images we see in the world outside ourself. Thom likes to tries to get me to copy Coco Chanel who said, “I don’t care what you think about me. I don’t think of you at all.” I’m not there but I’m better than I used to be! Thanks for your thoughts! ~Kathy
Great insights. I think that it takes most of us a long time to understand that friendships are meant to be mutually beneficial and that everybody is best off in the long term disassociating from relationships that just don’t fit who you are and what you value. It’s better to have a small number of deep, caring relationships than a whole bunch of superficial transactional ones.
Hi Eric! You’d think we would all know that by now, right? And the truth is I KNOW that most of us value “deep, caring relationships” far more than the superficial ones but every now and then I think some of us (me!) get fooled into thinking everyone is my friend!!! Like with so many things if we don’t take the time to really know ourselves AND know our friends beyond just the casual acquaintance we can make mistakes. Plus, good friendships take time and attention and not all of us want to do that. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. ~Kathy